


Daydreaming

by myowninvention



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: A lesson in undermining literally everything, Actual ray of sunshine Eren, Admissions, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Apologies, Birthday Fluff, Birthday Presents, Birthday Sex, Biting, Blushing, Bonding, Bottom Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Breakfast, Breakup Sex, But I still promise you forever, Car Sex, Christmas, Christmas Eve, Coffee Shops, Cuddling, Depictions of anxiety, Did someone order the fluff, Don't worry too much, Dorks in Love, Dreams and Nightmares, Drunk Sex, Drunken Confessions, Dysfunctional Family, Engagement Party, Eren Is a Tease, Eren Loves Levi, Eren Yeager's Birthday, Eren and Farlan showdown, Eren will not be stopped, Ereri College Au, Ereri sex, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Levi/Eren Yeager, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, Family Dinners, Fantasizing, Fights, First Dates, Floor Sex, Fluff, Forever is just a word, Fragile hearts, Gay Sex, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Here we go, Holding Hands, Holidays, I brought you this because I'm an ass, I have never written the word love more in my life, I promise, I promise this will be resolved, I swear, I swear the plot was more planned out than my tags, I'm always a few hours late, I'm so sorry, It Will Be Okay, Jealousy, Kissing, Late Night Conversations, Lazy Sex, Levi Is In Denial, Levi Loves Eren, Levi's POV, Levi/Eren Yeager Smut, Like way too much blushing, Love, Love Bites, Love Confessions, Lube, M/M, Makeup Sex, Masturbation, Maybe I should reign in the tags, Meeting the Parents, Mikasa Ackerman & Eren Yeager Are Siblings, Mistakes, Morning, Morning After, Morning Cuddles, Morning Routines, Morning Sex, Morning Wood, Nightmares, Not really though, POV switch, Plans For The Future, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Rain, Reminiscing, Requited Love, Rimming, Road Trips, Romance, SNK week, Sappy, Scars, Sex basically everywhere, Shameless Smut, Shower Sex, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, So much kissing, Spit As Lube, Staying in Bed All Day, Storms, Sweet Ereri, These tags are out of control, Think domestic thoughts, Top Eren Yeager, Trouble with the ex, We'll get through this, We're so close, Welcome to my nightmare, What is Romance, Writer Eren Yeager, bathtime fluff, but someone is stubborn, college party, cute shit, details of abuse, did someone ask for more cuddling, did someone say love?, eating ass, eren is a sweetheart, eren's pov, ereri, ereri porn, explicit details of childhood abuse, filthy love-making, future what future, hang in there, happy birthday eren, i'm sorry in advance, kiss marks, lazy morning sex, merry Levimas, migraines, more kissing, okay a little bit of plot, oops did i hear a confession, prepare yourselves, rim jobs, sappy af, sloppy sex, so much fog, some vague mentions of childhood abuse, taking care of eren, too many feelings, tree metaphors, what are tags, whoops
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-29 19:13:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 214,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6389701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myowninvention/pseuds/myowninvention
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An anxious energy clouds Levi's heart, casts a shadow across his chest, wraps a darkness tight around his throat...it's all he's ever known, so why would this be any different?  Looking, imagining, daydreaming about the undergrad Eren Jaeger (22) started out innocent, thoughtless, it snuck up on him, wrapped warmth around his chest, infiltrated his mind with thoughts of Eren's body, his touch, his smile.  So when he finds himself in Eren's green-eyed gaze, this grad student (26) can't help but think that giving in to that light, that heat, even if for one night, would be worth it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Daydreaming

Hanji's body sways back and forth as she skips down the sidewalk, her ponytail swinging as she spins around to smile at Levi who only glares back at her. "Would you lighten up a little bit?" Hanji elbows Levi in the shoulder. "It's Erwin's birthday, so try to not be so grumpy."

"Could you not fucking touch me?" Levi brushes off his shoulder and checks the perfect folds of his sleeves just above his elbows. 

Hanji only laughs, ignoring Levi's grumbling as she holds the door open for her shorter friend, releasing the loud atmosphere of the bar onto the relaxed air of the street, and despite Levi's stalling in the doorway, Hanji pushes past him and makes a beeline for the bar. 

A heavy breath pushes from Levi's chest as he follows his friend to the bar where Erwin clinks a glass with Mike, a smile plastered on both of their faces.

"Happy birthday!" Hanji hugs Erwin from behind, spilling his drink on the counter.

Levi climbs into the bar stool next to Erwin, raising two fingers to the bar tender and handing over his license and credit card. "Whiskey." The girl nods, brushing the straight blonde hairs from her face and pouring the shots without spilling a drop. Pushing a shot toward Erwin, they touch glasses and down the liquid, breathing out into the loud bar. "Happy birthday." Levi says quietly, almost drown out by the shouting of the younger group behind his back. "Why did you have to sit by the loudest brats in the place?" 

"Trying to feel young." Erwin eyes Levi, still leaning forward on the bar, and laughs, a full hearted laugh, one that Levi hadn't heard from him in a while.

Levi raises two fingers to the bar tender again. "You're already drunk." Erwin only smiles as they each take the next shot, Levi places it gently on the bar as Erwin slams his upside down, the sticky liquid seeping onto the bar. Levi turns away from the mess after ordering another for himself, wanting to dull his anxiety about being out in the first place. 

"Lets dance!" Hanji pulls Erwin from his stool by his elbow, dragging him and Mike to the little dance floor, drink in hand. She knows better than to ask Levi, so he remains alone at the bar.

He turns his stool and leans back onto the bar, crossing his arms as he filters through the movement around the pool tables, the source of all the noise. Cheers come from all around as a blonde sinks a ball into the corner pocket and quickly moves to his next shot, eyeing the dimensions of the table. He adjusts his watch before sinking another ball and rolls up his sleeves after missing the next, his bright blue eyes squinting at the opposing team. 

"Nice try." The guy from the other team steps up, running his hand through his light brown hair and lining up a shot, high-fiving a freckled boy holding another pool cue. The same boy pats the other's back when he misses his next shot, scratching and giving the opposing team the advantage. 

"Tch." Levi turns and asks for another shot, drowning his boredom and feeling it warm the length of his esophagus and drop into his stomach.

"You're going down!" 

That voice was familiar to Levi. Annoyingly familiar. He turns to see Eren, the younger man from his graduate class at the university, prepping his shot and sinking it. He rolls up the sleeves of his red and black flannel, revealing the muscles in his forearms.

"Dammit." Levi curses under his breath, closing his eyes. He tries to rub away the view of the boy's arms, the way his muscles twitch as he nosily takes notes on his computer during class.

"Check this out, Jean." 

Levi opens his eyes to watch the boy skip the cue ball over another and sink the proper pattern into the corner. The light haired boy, Jean, glares as Eren unbuttons his flannel rather than taking his next shot, revealing his tight grey v-neck that outlines the muscles of his chest. 

Just a few days ago he had been watching the same noisy man turn to him in class, a weekly tease. "What did you think of the readings for today?"

"They were pretty dull." 

Eren ruffled his chestnut hair with his hand, closing his eyes and smiling at Levi. He returned to his book, swallowing hard at the attention of Eren. He could never get used to it, the attention, because he had been eyeing Eren since week one of that Monday night class, and despite his desire wanted nothing to do with him. It would only ruin the silent fantasies that got him through that class every week. But that damn smile, the way it made those ridiculous bright green irises sparkle, it was hard to ignore. 

He couldn't ignore him anyway. The kid doesn't let up. He never tried to shake his hand when they met, but every Monday they walked to the vending machines during break, made small talk, and every Monday Levi did his best to ignore the sparkle of his eyes, the curve of his lips when they're turned up in a smile, the muscles in his arms, his long fingers tapping on the keyboard of his laptop. But the hardest thing to ignore was that damned lip ring.

It's black, and shiny, and protrudes from the right side of Eren's bottom lip, perfectly encapsulating its pink plumpness. It is damn near impossible to ignore because it is so distracting, so every Monday Levi did his best not to look Eren in the face.

Eren teases the part of the ring inside his mouth with his tongue as he lines the cue behind his back and makes a tricky, awkwardly placed shot. The balls clack and fall into place and he bites that damned lip ring, holding it between his teeth.

Levi can't stop staring, his eyes glued to that ring until it is released from Eren's hold, allowing Levi's gaze to lift to the green eyes of the boy looking right back at him. 

Deliberately missing his next shot, Eren hangs up his cue in the rack. "It's all up to you, Armin." He touches the blonde boy's arm and starts through the crowd toward Levi who swallows hard, turning back to the bar. 

"Levi?" The younger man takes a seat next to him, signaling the bartender and waiting for Levi to make eye contact. 

"What's this then?" Levi nods toward the pool tables, turning ever so slightly toward Eren, not wanting to touch their knees together under the bar. 

"Pool." Eren smiles at the glare he receives from Levi, used to the mans routine, the questioning, the glare, the eyes that wander and quickly come back. 

Levi hoped he hadn't noticed, but he had, and despite Levi's desire for control, it is lost with the warmth in his body, eyes wandering to the meeting place of Eren's v-neck, the muscles of his chest, the bend of his chin, and the movement of his hand as it grasps a shot and places it before Levi. 

"It's nice to see you on a Thursday instead of just Monday." Eren's tanned skin tightens around goosebumps on his arms, unconsciously reacting to the pressure of Levi's eyes, his gaze, his resisted want. 

"Yeah?" Levi takes the shot in his hand and taps it to Eren's, their fingers brushing gently for a split second before they both pour the warming liquid in their mouths. 

"Yeah." Eren flashes that smile at Levi, a little blush forming on his cheeks. 

Stupid smile. It doesn't mean anything. Still, Levi feels the heat run through him as they place their glasses next to each other, but the moment is ruined, or saved, when Jean comes up behind Eren, forcing him around.

"What, you couldn't even be bothered to finish the game after you hustled me?" 

Eren smirks at Jean and stands, their chests only centimeters from touching. "Stand down, Jean." Eren sounds serious, angry, but calm. Levi only watches over his shoulder out of the corner of his eye, begging not to have to get involved. 

Jean grabs Eren's collar and pulls him closer. "You should watch out. Wouldn't want your little boyfriend to get hurt." He pushes Levi's shoulder with enough force to shake him, unlocking him from his neutral space. 

Levi turns to stand, but stops as Eren balls up his fist. "Don't touch him." Eren's arm moves faster than his mouth, pounding into the side of Jean's head...hard. 

Jean releases Eren to wind up his own fist, but he's pulled away by the freckled boy before he lands on Eren's face.

"Jean! It's time to go." He is pulled away as Eren turns back to the bar and takes a shot without a second thought, sighing into the air.

He walks toward the bathroom, shoulders low, but he doesn't escape Levi's gaze. "Eren." Levi speaks over the water as Eren washes his hands and splashes water on his face.

"I'm sorry, Levi."

"Tch." Levi folds his arms and looks at Eren, noting the curve of his back and the peek of his underwear as he fixes his shirt.

"No. I have a bad habit of getting people involved in my crap." Eren looks at Levi through the mirror's reflection, his face and hands dripping into the sink.

"It's really fine." Levi brushes off his shoulders as Eren dries his hands.

"Not like you really want rumors going around that you're my boyfriend. Unless you want to ruin your reputation." Eren looks at his hand, the purple, bloody bruises beginning to form around each knuckle.

"Yeah, because dating the incredibly short, awkward, gay guy would do wonders for your reputation." Levi feels himself blush, the alcohol speaking for him, ready to retreat back into the loudness of the bar and get away from Eren, away from the desire to touch him. 

Eren smiles one of those brilliant smiles. "Well what's the point of me dating a guy if he isn't gay?" Eren steps toward Levi. "Or at least partly into men." He squints, a smirk replacing a smile. 

Levi clears his throat, ready to back out of the doorway. "Eren." This is a bad idea. 

The younger man takes the hint and takes a breath and buttons up his shirt, pulling his lip ring between his teeth.

"Don't do that." Levi's voice surprises him, a last defense to stop himself, but it isn't needed.

The male bar tender comes into the bathroom. "You need to leave, Jaegar." 

Eren nods. "Figured as much. I'll be gone in a minute." He sighs as the man leaves, eyes piercing Levi, looking deep into him. The look scares Levi, not wanting his true intentions to be read. "Looks like our time is cut short, as usual." Eren walks out of the door, holding it for Levi.

"It doesn't have to be." Levi pulls his lips together, smacking himself for being so needy, so forward, so drawn to Eren, and so drunk that he isn't thinking straight.

Eren stops in his tracks, smiling down at Levi as he churns through options in his head. "Um, I have a roommate."

Last chance to back away, last chance to not invite him over, to not see him in his apartment, his room, his bed. "My place." Levi says quietly. He doesn't want to look at Eren, embarrassed and reddened, but he forces himself to make eye contact, ready to give in, to give anything, but is that what Eren wants? "No roommate." 

Eren smiles wide and nods. "Should we get a cab?" He receives his card from the bar tender, signing a slip as Levi does the same. 

"Where do you think you're going?" Hanji walks up behind Levi and taps his shoulder.

"Home." He waves his eyes over to Eren who smiles at Hanji from behind him. "With Eren." 

Hanji waves. "Eren...Eren. Why does that sound familiar?" Levi shakes his head to stop her, but to no avail. "Oh! Is this hot Eren from class?" She points to the younger man, embarrassing Levi once again.

"Will you shut up?" He glares, but Hanji only smiles.

"I'm pretty sure he knows you think he's hot if you're taking him home with you." She winks at Eren, and the boy laughs, undeterred by her forward thinking or Levi's attraction. "Have fun you two."

The cab rolls to a stop as the two step out onto the sidewalk, and Levi feels the weight of Eren's eyes as the younger man opens the car door for him, waiting for him to climb in first.

"Have you started your paper yet?" Eren's voice is more quiet than usual in the dark, cool air of the cab as they crawl into their spots, their knees touching in the tight back seat. 

"No." He doesn't mind the contact, actually, he enjoys it. The warmth of Eren's knee sends something electric into him, something he hasn't felt in months.

"I haven't either." Eren smiles and watches the city go by as the cab whirs through the streets. He clears his throat and looks back at Levi, waiting for the man to make eye contact. "I'm clean." 

Levi sighs into the quiet of the cab. "Me too." 

Eren bites his lip ring and resumes looking out the window, leaving Levi wondering if that means Eren has been with other people. The thought sparks a seed of jealousy in Levi's chest and makes his face red. When he thinks Eren isn't looking, Levi traces the length of the younger man's legs with his eyes, lingering over the bulge in his pants, swallowing hard to dull the throbbing in his own pants. 

"I've been watching you."

Levi clears his throat and adjusts his sleeves. "I'm sorry?"

"In class. I've been watching you."

The cab rolls to a stop before Levi's building, and Eren's words hang empty in the air as Levi pays and thanks the driver. Walking to the door, Levi feels Eren's eyes on his back as he unlocks the main door. "And you've been watching me." Levi doesn't look at the younger man, but he knows he's smiling that stupid smile, stretching his lip beneath that stupid ring. 

"Is that so?" He leads Eren to his door, letting him inside his apartment.

"It's kind of hard not to notice someone fucking you with their eyes." Eren slips off his shoes and walks in onto the soft carpeting. "Then again." He teases the buttons of his flannel open, dropping it to the floor. "You somehow managed to ignore me when I was eye fucking you." 

Levi glares at Eren, the usual tease, biting down on his lip. Was he really watching that closely? "You sure have a mouth on you." 

Eren pulls the collar of his v neck, sliding it from his body. Levi's eyes gravitate toward the muscles of Eren's chest, the tightness around his abs. "You have no idea." Eren teases his lip ring with his tongue, unknowingly begging Levi, pushing him to the brink, forcing his hand. 

He stands stunned on the landing, body in a paused state as he looks at Eren, taking the moment to remember the curve of his arms, the way the muscles tighten his skin, the way his hair falls on his forehead, and the way that lip ring looks when Eren smirks. 

"Don't you think you've teased me enough?" He runs his hands through his hair, waiting for Levi to move. 

Levi slips his shoes off, quickly unbuttoning his shirt and walking toward Eren, leaving his doubts at the door. 

He comes at him with fever, pulling Eren's face toward him and pressing his lips against the younger man's. Eren opens his mouth to receive Levi's tongue, running his hands down Levi's back and cupping the bulge of his ass in his hands to pull him closer. When a moan escapes Levi's lips, Eren lifts the man into his arms, feeling his legs wrap around his body. Eren kisses his neck, the hardness in his pants growing against Levi's body. "Ahh- end of the hall." Levi manages to groan out, feeling himself being carried to his bedroom. 

The two fall on the bed and Levi sprawls out beneath Eren's weight, feeling his kisses all over his body, the little ring tapping his collar bone just before Eren tugs at Levi, sitting him up and grasping at the seam of his shirt, the warmth of Eren's fingers making goosebumps form at the skin of his abs. 

Levi lays back, Eren straddling him. The younger man's eyes linger over every inch of Levi's body, followed by the heat of his hands. "You are..." Eren leans close, his breath teasing Levi's ear as he gently presses his thumbs on Levi's nipples. "Way too sexy." He kisses Levi's ear, and the man bends to his kiss, weakened by his words, his attention, and his hand rubbing Levi's hardened length over his pants. 

"I...mmmm...I was thinking the same about you." Levi groans as Eren leaves kisses down his chest, steady as he unbottons Levi's jeans, gently tugging them away in a tangle of clothes. Levi laughs a little at the struggle, but quiets down when Eren peels away Levi's boxers and takes the entire length of Levi's cock in his mouth without hesitation. 

Levi gasps in the quiet room, taken by the warmth of Eren's mouth and the pressure of his tongue. "Ha..ahh shit." He sits up, resting his hand on Eren's head as it moves slowly up and down with tight suction.

Eren replies with a low groan, vibrating Levi's entire body as he begins to touch himself, unbuckling his belt and letting his pants fall to his knees.

"Mmm...ah-" Levi falls to his back. "If you don't stop I'm gonna cum." As badly as his body begs for release, he doesn't want it to end now, not without experiencing the other tricks Eren has been hiding up his sleeves. 

He releases Levi's cock, dragging his bottom lip over it, glaring into Levi's eyes. 

"Fuck" Levi pants, pulling Eren's face toward him. Eren moves with him, feeling Levi's lips on his, his tongue in his mouth, the sloppy, fevered, heavy, almost needy kisses, and the tug of his lip as Levi grabs Eren's lip ring between his teeth and pulls at it gently. This alone sets Levi off, and Eren can see it when they lock eyes, pushing both of them into a frenzy, a race for pleasure.

Eren pulls away and shoves his boxers down, pressing his cock to Levi's, wrapping his hands around the two and working them together, looking into Levi's blushed face. "I've been waiting so long for this." 

Shivering at the sound of Eren's voice this close, Levi squirms at his touch. "How long?" 

Eren smiles at Levi. Was it his words? The way he becomes incapacitated by the pleasure emitted from Eren's fingertips? Levi's thoughts only wander for a second, because the heat of Eren working their cocks together makes him unable to focus. Nor can he focus when Eren speaks again. "First day of class." 

"You really were watching me." Sweat springs from Levi's forehead as Eren closes his eyes, licking his lips and slowly moves their cocks together. "Ack..." No longer fighting for control over his body, his mind defers to pleasure, breath quickening, body ready for Eren to give him everything. "Eren." He moans gently. 

The younger man slows his movements, looking at Levi. When Levi speaks again, he tries to hide the hint of nervousness in his voice. "It's been a while...I, um..." Levi admits, not wanting it to end too soon.

"Heh." Eren's smirk returns. "I haven't either." He releases their cocks and leans over Levi, their eyes meeting and lips almost touching. "Not since I met you." 

Levi reaches his lips toward Eren, but the younger man pulls away, teasing Levi. Smirking again, he grinds his pelvis into Levi, making him gasp and groan, putty in his hands still begging for a kiss. "Then what are you waiting for?" Levi whines, pushing his pelvis back at Eren. Surprised at the neediness in his voice, Levi finally allows himself to want, to need. "Are you going to fuck me?"

Eren hangs his head and groans, body begging to be a part of Levi. "Gladly." He smirks, a glimmer of something tantalizing in his eye.

"Top drawer."

Eren moves quickly off of Levi, fumbling to the night stand, pulling out condoms and lube, only momentarily handling the several toys lying in the bottom of the drawer. Levi watches as the younger man consciously compares himself, pleased that he could shake Eren's unbeatable confidence if only for a second. 

"Don't worry. You measure up nicely." Very nicely, in fact. 

Eren ignores Levi, putting on the condom without hesitation, covering himself with lube, keeping some for his finger. Undeterred, more determined if anything, Eren stands crawls over Levi's body with a heated look, the man opening his legs and wrapping them around Eren.

Levi bites his lip, mouth watering at the stiffened 9 inches before him, now fully at his attention. 

"Oh, hell." He breathes out, looking forward to that as Eren bites his lip ring and presses a finger at Levi's opening. "I'm not gonna break, Eren."

The younger man smothers Levi's words with his lips, his tongue filling his mouth and his fingers filling his ass. "Better?" Eren groans in Levi's ear, but he knows the answer because Levi's soft grunts fill the silence, stifled by Eren's kiss as he loosens Levi up, working into him with slow precision. 

Levi closes his eyes, trying to wipe away expectations, to erase the fantasies of Eren that plagued him in class. That was an easy feat as Eren pulls his fingers out and holds the head of his cock at Levi's opening. 

"Ready?" 

"God, yes." 

With that, Eren pushes his weight into Levi, burying his cock deep within him, making Levi's breath fall heavily from his mouth, moans immediately teasing Eren's ears, egging him on. 

Fantasies are nothing like the real thing. Fantasies can be wiped away, distracted from, but here, now, Eren demands attention, demands Levi's full, undivided, unadulterated desire. Lust. Heat. 

Eren holds his hands around the backs of Levi's knees and presses them to the man's chest, his cock burying even farther into Levi. 

Groaning, yelping, Levi lets go of control as Eren leans into him at a slow pace, touching deeper than he could've imagined. 

"You feel so..." Eren tips his head back and lets out a breath, composing himself. "You feel so fucking good." 

He looks back down at Levi, that spark in his eyes, fueled by something inside him that makes Levi sweat, like he knows exactly what to do to make Levi lose it. He's right. He knows what to do. And Levi is putty in his hands, groaning softly with every thrust.

Eren leans forward, arms tangled in Levi's legs, lips touching the lobe of Levi's ear. "Levi." His voice is warm, sweet, and it reverberates through Levi's entire body. "Levi." He repeats with a long groan. 

"Let me see your face." Levi begs, and Eren obliges, smiling a little as he gives Levi what he wants.

Eren bites his lip, keeping his composure, but it's enough to push Levi over the edge. He is overcome by Eren's thrusting, his cock pressing deep inside, pace quickening. 

"Fuck." Levi groans with each thrust, each time Eren slams into him, letting go of his thoughts, his control, leaving everything behind and just feeling. 

Without much warning Levi's cock spurts onto his chest, and Eren follows close behind, slamming into Levi one last time, and Levi stores the image of the slacked jaw and furrowed brows of Eren's orgasm for his fantasies. 

The two breathe together, Eren's weight over Levi warming his cooling body. Suddenly, Eren sits up, licking the cum from Levi's abdomen and the remainder dripping from his cock. Levi just moans, unable to move, letting the younger man clean him off and cover him up before leaving for the bathroom. 

Leaning up against the headboard, Levi smiles when Eren returns in his underwear. He watches him hesitate at the foot of the bed, searching the floor for his shirt. "You're welcome to stay." 

Eren blinks heavily and smiles, pulling on the v-neck and crawling into bed. "I guess that's best." He tucks his bare feet under the heavy comforter and settles in next to Levi. "I just realized I left my car at the bar."

The two lay next to each other, unconsciously fitting into a spooning position, Levi fitting into the bend of Eren's body.. "I have to work in a few hours. I'll drop you off before then." He sighs into the back of Eren's neck, feeling goosebumps beneath his fingertips on the younger man's arm. He breathes in the scent of Eren's shirt, a mix of detergent and sweat, and falls asleep trying to remember the warmth of his skin for his next daydream.


	2. Waking Hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the wake of his steamy night with the man he's been eyeing for weeks, Levi can't help but wonder who's using who when Eren joins him for a second round. Could there be more to his feelings for Eren than just sexual attraction?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little smut, little fluff, little angst, in that order.

The buzz of his phone on the nightstand wakes Levi in an immediate jump, heart pounding in his chest as he reaches toward the glowing screen. The sun has already begun its slow trip across the sky on the other side of the window as Levi blinks his heavy eyelids in an attempt to dull the throbbing of his head. Settling back into the dent of his pillow, the other side of the bed shifts, a warm arm crosses his stomach, and Eren nestles into the edges of Levi's body.

 

Wait. Eren? That wasn't a dream. Not an incredibly realistic fantasy, no, but a whiskey induced one night stand with the boy he's been basically drooling over for weeks. Levi swallows hard and slips his body out from beneath the younger man's warmth, doing his best not to disturb Eren. He ignores the stupidly attractive face of the sleeping man and retreats to the bathroom, turning the shower on and forcing a dull hum into the otherwise quiet apartment. He brushes his teeth before the mirror, scrubbing away the taste of whiskey, the taste of his sleepy dry mouth, the taste of Eren, rinsing it all away, but trying to remember what it was like as the mouthwash tingles on his tongue.

 

Sweet. Eren's tongue tasted sweet, like his taste buds captured the honey in the whiskey, and his skin was salty with sweat. Levi holds the sensation in his memory as he steps into the shower. He holds them close in his head, wondering if he should keep them for later or wash them away

 

The warmth of the water dulls the pain of his throbbing head, and he lets it fall over his face, dripping down the length of his naked body, matting down the mess of hair standing up from being smothered into the sheets beneath Eren's heated kiss. The thought makes a shiver rack through him that is impossible to shake. Massaging his shampoo into his hair, he closes his eyes and listens to the fall of the water, interrupted only by Eren making noise at the sink, and then clearing his throat on the opposite side of the glass door of the shower.

 

"Mind if I join you?" The figure moves behind the warped glass, scratching his neck with his hand, shifting slightly in a lack of confidence.

 

Levi's heart jumps, filling with leftover nerves from last night now that he's sober, but he presses the door open granting Eren access anyway. He lazily steps in, already naked, and shares the falling water with Levi. "I tried not to wake you." Tried to give him an out, to give him a moment to collect his things and go, to not be responsible, but Eren doesn't take the out. In fact, he jumps back in, an action that would confuse Levi if he wasn't preoccupied with another chance of living out his fantasies.

 

"I didn't want to miss the opportunity." Eren smiles and lets the water flatten out his bed head, darkening the strands that fall over his forehead and curve around his ears. He clears his throat again and licks his lips. "Good morning."

 

His voice is guttural, raspy, and it makes Levi shiver and his cock twitch. "Your voice..." He turns to retrieve the shampoo for the young man, but before he can turn again his shoulders are hooked by Eren's hands, soft and strong.

 

"Sorry, I'm a little..." He clears his throat once more, the raspiness teasing Levi's ear as he rubs the tension from Levi's shoulders and sends chills across his skin. "Groggy in the morning."

 

Releasing him, Levi turns and hands Eren the shampoo, trying to conceal how hard he's become, but there's no use in hiding it. Levi swallows as Eren just smiles, biting his lip ring and solidifying Levi's cock.

 

Their skin touches as they shuffle to allow Eren to rinse his hair, both of them fighting off goosebumps. Eren closes his eyes, giving Levi full speculation of his body to watch the sudsy water run down his neck, past the muscles of his chest, pooling a little at his belly button, and finally falling in the darkened hair around his swollen cock.

 

"So how are you feeling?" Eren opens his green eyes back into the room and gives Levi space under the water, space that Levi timidly takes up, as if Eren being naked in his shower isn't enough to convince Levi of his willingness to participate.

 As if Eren's constant pushing forward isn't enough to tell Levi he wants more, of everything and anything he'll give.

 

"Headachey. I'm a little hung over." And horny. Levi looks up at Eren, reveling in the drawn out tease that Eren has orchestrated.

 

"Well." Eren touches his lip ring with his tongue, eyeing Levi. "I know a great hangover cure." He moves closer to Levi, their cocks touching before their chests. He leans forward, the pink of his lips daring to brush Levi's, the inch between them begging Levi to lean forward into the younger man. "But it's a little..." He eyes the pink of Levi's lips with an insatiable hunger before returning to the grey of his eyes with another voracious look. "...time consuming, so you might be late."

 

Levi hooks his arms around Eren's neck, pulling him into a kiss, weighted and dependent on more than their lips. He pulls away only for a second, without any uncertainty. "I'll call in." His voice is breathy, needy, so he wipes his words away with Eren's tongue in his mouth, feeling the dampened body of the younger man with his hands, the goosebumps on his skin, the shakiness in his own chest.

 

Levi drops to his knees, sliding his hands down Eren's muscled chest, noting the darkness of Eren's skin against his pale hands. Eren presses his palms against the walls of the shower as Levi turns his attention to the younger man's cock, running his tongue up Eren's cock before pulling it into his mouth.

 

Water runs down their bodies, and the hum of the shower is unable to insulate the sounds of Eren's ragged grunts as Levi takes his cock with a voracious craving, his throat tight around its swollen length. His hands run opposite the running water, up the tight muscles and coarse hair of Eren's thighs, racking a shiver through the younger man that is soothed by the grip of Levi's hands, one gently around his balls, the other at the base of his stiffened cock. He falls victim to his own movements, sucking, cupping, tugging, feeling the arousal through every inch of his body and ignoring the pain of his knees, both distracted and encouraged by the breathy grunts falling from Eren's mouth.

 

Eren runs his fingers on either side of Levi's head, matching his movements in and out, leaning his head back into the spray of the water, slicking his own hair back. "Hmmmm....Levi." His guttural voice excites Levi further, and he matches Eren's grunts with low moans around the younger man's cock.

 

Levi pulls away, breathing heavily, and makes eye contact with Eren, begging him without words, asking for his touch, his attention.

 

Eren offers his hands to help Levi up, and looks down into Levi's eyes with a hard hold on his lip ring. "I need one minute." He steps from the shower and leaves Levi alone under the water, awaiting round two.

 

"Hurry." Levi pleads, closing his eyes in preparation for the younger man's return. Hurry before Levi loses himself in the anticipation. Hurry before Levi can change his mind, before his wit gets the best of him and he can back out of being used and being a user, accepting pleasure in a place he convinces himself won't last.

 

Luckily, Eren doesn't make him wait long, returning with a covered cock and a little purple bottle from Levi's drawer, wiping away Levi's doubt for at least a little while.

 

"I was hoping I'd get a chance to use this." Eren smiles with an almost sadistic spark in his eyes, squirting the special lube into both of his hands, biting his lip as he spreads it over his cock.

 

Levi lets the water fall over his body, trying to find something in its warmth to mimic the way Eren's touch feels, but all he can do is stand there with his teeth clenched and watch Eren jerk himself, tantalizing every inch of his length while staring Levi down.

 

"Dammit, Eren-" His sentence is extinguished by Eren's mouth as the young man slams him against the corner of the shower, fueling his desire and the flames within his gut. "Hah..." Levi breathes out an exasperated groan as he wraps his legs on either side of Eren's body and Eren takes the weight of Levi's body into his arms.

 

Eren wastes no time with Levi's body, leaving kisses under Levi's chin, biting and sucking at his collarbone, his neck, grabbing Levi's ass in both hands, spreading the panting man open to receive his cock. "Nnn...Levi." Eren groans, his chest rumbling against Levi, locking eyes with his impatient gaze.

 

"Please." Levi begs as Eren presses his head against Levi's hole. "I can't wait any longer."

 

Levi's body twitches as Eren drops the man over his cock, his ass throbbing around it, forcing a gasp out of Levi's mouth followed by a deep sigh as he finally gets what he wants. Eren holds Levi steady while pushing deep inside him, thrusting forward and pulling back slowly, letting Levi yelp into the shower, a chorus of his groans echoing within the four walls.

 

With no intention of letting up, Eren begins to push harder, quicker, tipping his head back to release a guttural moan, still raspy from his few hours of sleep. The sound rattles through Levi's body as he tucks his chin to his chest and wraps his arms tight around Eren's neck, a limp body framed by Eren's hold on him.

 

"Nngh...Eren." Levi's voice is breathy, all of his energy focused on not letting loose just yet, begging his body to let this last longer. He tips his head back, resting it in the corner of the shower, swallowing hard as he opens his eyes to the younger man.

 

When Eren looks down at Levi, watching his trembling body with scaly green eyes, a smile stretches across his face, and he presses his tongue against his lip ring, furthering Levi's deterioration.

 

"That damn lip ring." He mumbles, closing his eyes, accepting Eren's thrusts again and again, and falling helpless to Eren's kiss, feeling the lip ring dragging across his bottom lip as Eren bears into him.

 

Pulling his face away, the water falling in drops off of his hair and peppering Eren's bronzed skin, Eren bites the ring. "You like it?"

 

Levi pulls the young man back in, pressing his lips hard against Eren's, pushing into the warmth of his mouth with his tongue. "It's so..." He kisses again as Eren pushes hard inside him. "Distracting." Eren bites it again, the ring clacking against his teeth. "Fuck." Levi grumbles, his breath being forced from his chest.

 

Grinding his hips into Levi, Eren loses himself in the swing of his movements, in the noises seeping from Levi's mouth, the way Levi's jaw hangs slack and open, and the way lust emanates from Levi's grey, half-lidded eyes.

 

"Aaagh." Levi pants as he watches a drop of water line Eren's jaw, noting Eren's clenched teeth that do nothing to stop his moans.

 

"Levi..." Eren holds the man with one arm hooked around his hips, using his other hand to brush the wet hair from Levi's forehead and turn Levi's chin up. Eren fits his palm at the edge of Levi's jaw and runs a thumb across the man's cheek. "Haah...Levi-" His voice falls away, caught in his throat as he presses his lips to Levi's.

 

He tries holds his breath, ready to lose himself at any second to Eren's touch as the younger man withdraws his kiss. Breath passes heavily through Levi's lips with each thrust. "Hah...nngh Eren..."

 

Pressing a thumb to Levi's open lips, the younger man shakes his head. "Uh uh." Eren slows his movement, his eyebrows lowering the green of his eyes into greedy slits. "We're not even close to being done." In a tantalizingly slow movement, Eren pulls his cock from Levi and stands him on the shower floor.

 

Shuddering in anticipation, Levi grasps tightly around Eren's elbows as the younger man holds his face, parting his lips in an a frenzied kiss, and thanks his body for not giving in to the pleasure just yet, for not giving up before Eren's passion had escalated. He grants the younger man power over his body, moving without reservation as Eren turns him, pressing his chest closer to the wall of the shower.

 

Fingertips running down either side of Levi's spine, Eren grabs Levi's hips and pulls them toward him, smirking at the goosebumps that form on the man's skin. Levi's face presses against the cool glass of the wall as Eren urges him to spread his legs before he drives his cock into Levi, first slowly, then all at once, forcing a breath from Levi's mouth to make a cloud of condensation on the glass.

 

Bending to Eren's every will, Levi leans forward and braces himself against the wall as Eren grips the muscles of Levi's shoulders, pulling the man toward him as he thrusts forward. He strains his fingers on the glass as Eren slams deeper and deeper into him, unable to keep his mouth closed around the moans that come spilling from him. "Nnnn....gah..."

 

He grabs Levi's wrist, turning it in and pressing it against the man's back as he leans in. "I've been fantasizing about this for weeks." His voice is wet and warm against Levi's ear, but he can barely hear him over his own lack of control over his groans. Eren bites at Levi's neck as he presses into him. "You're perfect." He mumbles against Levi's skin. Turning his other wrist in, Levi is left with no defense against the glass, and his face presses closer, turning his neck. "Mmmm. Fuck, Levi."

 

"Eren..." Levi whines as the younger man holds his wrists with one hand and lifts his leg with the other, pounding into him at an unstoppable pace, pressing exactly the right spot relentlessly. "Ah!" Levi yelps as his body begins to shake.

 

Eren immediately slows his movement and releases his grip on Levi's wrists. "Are you okay?"

 

"Don't you dare stop." He spits out, huffing into the warm air of the shower, caught between Eren's pressing and the cool glass. "Don't stop."

 

With that, Eren tightens his grip and shows no restraint on Levi's already shuddering body, forcing himself again and again onto the spot that makes Levi lose all sense of self-control, the spot that makes a continuous groan seep from his melting body.

 

"Don't stop!" Levi groans, his voice cracking as it escapes his throat.

 

Eren smirks and grumbles into Levi's ear. "I won't."

 

"Eren!" He whines again in full desperation. "Don't stop." He knows Eren has no intention of stopping, no intention of letting this tease go on any longer, no intention of keeping Levi from his climax, but the words are stuck in his mouth.

 

"Never." Eren presses harder into Levi, completely lost in the man's cries of pleasure, and completely taken by the way Levi seems to lean into him with each thrust, the way he knows what he wants when it comes to pleasure, the way he responds to every touch, every kiss.

 

"Fuck!" Levi yelps once more, his body finally giving in to Eren's doting, his untouched cock releasing the warm cum with a force that weakens his knees. "Mmmmm ah-"

 

The younger man pants and pushes into Levi once more, the buildup of his desire throbbing through his cock. Releasing the man's wrists and lowering his leg, Eren pulls out of Levi and smiles as the man leans back into him.

 

To his own surprise, Levi allows Eren to hold him close, savoring the slick form of their wet skin as it touches, silently thanking Eren for wrapping the strength of his arms around him, stabilizing him.

 

"You are incredible." Eren whispers in Levi's ear, forcing another shiver through the man.

 

A short laugh falls from Levi's lips as he leans his head back on Eren's shoulder, getting a glimpse of the shine of his green irises. Levi closes his eyes, accepting the tingle from Eren's plush lips.

 

When Eren finally releases him, Levi feels the emptiness swelling inside him, the loneliness of his skin without Eren's hands on him. But his touch returns with sudsy fingers that lather every inch of Levi, working any tension from his muscles and prompting a smile to reach across his face. Somehow Eren has broken down his defenses.

 

Somehow Eren has broken down  _ everything. _

  
  
  
  
  


Levi walks into the kitchen with a nervous fix of his collar and straight into Eren's gaze. The younger man leans his body in the corner of the counter, running the shining green across every inch of Levi's body, and Levi's face is warm with blush. "Is something wrong?" He runs his fingers through his hair and tries to will the blush away, but Eren's eyes still tear at the buttons of his shirt, tug at the tight fit of his slacks, and keep Levi's face flushed with blood.

 

"No. Nothing at all." Eren visibly swallows and turns his head, hiding his gaze behind heavy lids. "You look really great." The younger man looks back at him and Levi swears he sees a hint of pink on his cheeks as he pulls the black suspenders over his shoulders. "I can't believe you're actually going to work."

 

Trying to ignore the twist of his stomach, Levi stifles a smile as his heart thumps against his rib cage. "Neither can I."

 

Eren buttons up his flannel, but all Levi can remember is the way it looked puddled on his living room floor last night, the way Eren carried him to bed, the way Eren kissed his cheek in the minutes before he fell asleep. "I started some water for you." Levi shakes the memory away and watches the steam rise from the teapot and dance between Eren's fingertips. Levi does his best to look away from the younger man as he ruffles the dampened hair on his forehead, wondering just how he could look so damn attractive without brushing his hair in his dirty clothes. "I figured you'd want some tea before you go."

 

He answers in a voice lower than a whisper, afraid he might say something completely stupid. "Thank you, that's very considerate." With that, the teapot squeals and Levi instinctively moves forward to ready the cups, pulling a wooden box from the cabinet. As his fingers tease the tops of the bags awaiting his decision, he notices just how close Eren is watching from just behind his shoulder. "I apologize for not having any coffee."

 

"That's okay." Eren's smile makes something twinge within Levi, and as the younger man looks over at him through the strands of dark chestnut hair he’s assured that he doesn’t like the feeling of it.  "You've been bragging about your tea for weeks, now I get the chance to try it."

 

Just how many times had he complained during class breaks about the lack of tea on campus, and just how closely has Eren been listening? Pushing his thoughts away, he chooses black, classic, simple, and pours the hot water into the to-go cups, dipping the bags gently into it's steaming heat.

 

"Will you be offended if I don't like it?" Eren smiles and winks, _ fucking winks _ , as he takes the cup into his hands.

 

"No, but the tea will." Levi almost drops his cup, instead he releases a thin huff into the air at his own stupidity. Is he really getting tripped up by someone he barely knows?

 

Eren's smile widens across his face, pulling the pink of his lips into thin lines. "Are you flirting?"

 

"We should get going."

  
  
  


Unable to smother his smile, Eren sits in the seat beside Levi with a giddiness about him, and although Levi does nothing to reciprocate the happy quirk, he smiles for half of the ride as he soaks up the sunshine.  He finally speaks up just a few blocks from the bar.  “How is your head?”  

 

Levi’s head, save from actually completely breaking down, is a complete mess, but admitting his feelings would make them real.  Admitting this was anything more than sexual attraction...that is just something he is utterly unwilling to do.  He wouldn't dare tell Eren that he's completely jumbled up the connections in his brain. “It’s fine.”  Fine.  Not swimming with ideas about unsuccessfully romantic dates, not full of broken sentences between kisses.  Fine.  He clears his throat and vows to seem truthful.  “It's feeling better, thank you.” 

 

“It’s the red one.”  Eren points to his car as they pull into the parking lot of the bar.  

 

Pulling into the spot beside it, Levi clicks his car into reverse, swearing to himself that if he puts it in park he won’t be able to let Eren leave without kissing that smile off of his face, without pulling the ring between his teeth and begging Eren to come back home with him.

 

Eren’s long fingers linger on the door handle undeterred by Levi’s attempt to leave as quickly as possible.  “I’ll be at the library writing my paper this weekend.  You should come, Levi.”  

 

He blinks at the use of his name in such a sweet tone, and although he does everything in his power to say no, his head nods as his stomach sparks with unanticipated excitement.  

 

“You have my number.”  Pulling on the handle, Eren shines a pleased smile at the man and slides from the car.  “The tea was delicious.”  

  
Despite wanting to leave as quickly as possible, Eren’s car is gone before Levi has the chance to lift his foot off of the brake, leaving Levi in the silence of his car to wonder just how he allowed himself fall into this trap again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this did not disappoint.


	3. Abandoning a Pipe Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a fleeting effort to convince himself that he doesn't have feelings for Eren, Levi meets his short-time lover at the library only to find himself once again giving in to a whim. (aka they have sex in the backseat of Levi's car)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explicit smut lies ahead. You have been warned.

Infatuation. That's the word that settles in Levi's brain as he pulls into the parking garage closest to the entrance of the undergraduate library. The initial attraction pulled him in, the weekly flirtation and unrivaled fantasies kept him interested, and finally the untamed temptation of having Eren so close, the feeling of the breath on the back of his neck, the way Eren's voice sounded with his name between those pierced lips.

_"Nnngh. Levi."_ Pulling into a parking spot, he closes his eyes at the wheel trying to wipe away the look on Eren's face as he gave into his body. _"Levi hah ah! Levi."_ A shiver crawls up his spine as he rests his head in his hands, feeling the chill rack through him and the goosebumps raise over his skin.

Infatuation, he repeats in his head. That's the reality of it. Intense, passionate, but short-lived, and the time limit on this feeling is just about up. That's why he's here, right? To prove Hanji and her stupid glasses wrong. Levi straightens his back and resolves to conclude his feelings for the third time today as he listens to the whir of traffic and passes by the unmistakable, shiny red of Eren's volkswagon, taking the stairs down to the main floor.

  


"I don't believe you, you know." Hanji declared on the drive back from lunch on Friday.

Levi paused from picking up the trash from around his feet in front seat to cast a sideways glance her way. "And why is that?" Normally he would've said nothing, just ignored the prying of his most nosy friend, but a vulnerability washed over him when it came to Eren, and it was something he wasn't sure how to stop.

"Your theory doesn't make any sense."

"It's cat and mouse, Hanji. We both wanted something out of it. We got what we were looking for. That's it." He crossed his arms across his chest, trying to breathe the anxious energy out of his body. The world outside the car window rushed by and he felt an ache in his gut. "Over and done."

"You've talked about him every day for over two months."

"Only because you ask. It's to appease you."

"Levi, you only talk about things you care about. Trying you get you to talk about anything else is like pulling teeth." She pulled to a red light with a lurch. "You should see the way you look when you talk about him." She flashed a wide smile reminiscent of Eren's toothy grin, but nowhere near matching the brilliance. "Besides, the last person to leave a mark like that on you..." She reached over to tease the side of Levi's neck, brushing the sizable hickey Eren left behind. "...Became your boyfriend for over a year."

"Tch." He left much deeper marks in Levi though, marks that stuck with him 9 months later and 4 states over.

  


Now, standing in the heavy chill of the Autumn air and looking up at the two story library, Levi holds tight to the hem of his sweater to keep his hands from shaking, fingering the knit fabric. He never did well with casual sex. Even worse with relationships. Levi and other people just don’t mix. This is no different. Eren is no different.

Hanji liked to call him delusional, but maybe the delusion is that people are meant to be together. Levi was not conceived in love, the only one who ever actually loved him was ripped away from him, so why did she think he was capable of loving anything at all? Why did she think some guy would be able to save him from himself?

Hidden beneath the soft white fabric of Levi's scarf, the mark Eren left burns simply because Levi knows it's there. He swallows. If Levi can prove to Hanji, prove to himself, that this thing with Eren is only a crush, only a one time thing, this mark will simply go away, it won't have to heal over, it won't scab or scar. It won't leave him broken or alone.

He enters the warmth of the library feeling hollow, unreachable, unwanted even by himself. Making his way up the stairs, Levi pads softly on the carpet in the quiet chatter of the undergrad library.

"Levi?" Eren’s tone breaks the barrier of his thoughts, his heart beats hard in the boundary of his rib cage, he may feel hollow, but Eren's voice brings his insides back to life. This is going to be more difficult than previously anticipated. As Levi turns he is simultaneously disappointed and saved by the two other people sitting with Eren.

"I'm so glad you came." He stands and holds an open hand to the empty seat across from him. The emerald of his eyes sparkles with his smile, and Levi knows he's been standing here too long just staring at the three of them.

"This is Armin." Eren points at the blonde to his right. Levi moves to sit, noting the fond smile on Eren's face before turning to look at Armin. "He's my best friend and roommate." Armin pushes his glasses up off his face and into the tuft of light hair on his head with a smile. The skin around his bright blue eyes wrinkles as his cheeks pull his whole face into an infectious smile. Levi feels the sides of his lips turn up to return kindness to the cute young man. "He's an honor student in the science department." Armin blushes a little as Eren sits back down and brags about his friend. "Pre-med. Already accepted into med school."

Levi glances back at Eren who is still staring straight at him with a quiet smile. He tilts his head and realizes that Eren is trying to have Levi get to know Armin, to make it easier on Levi. Something in Eren's eyes changes when he sees the quaint smile on Levi's face, a minuscule spark with a hint of jealously, but he blinks it away.

"This is Annie." Levi turns to the other blonde at the table, a small girl with fire in her ice blue eyes. "We met her the first week here in freshman year." Unlike Armin, Annie watches Eren as he talks about her, not daring a glance at Levi. "She's an English major. Focus in literature and creative writing."

"So you're from Eren's seminar class?" Armin tilts his head and Levi finds recognition in his eyes. This is the guy that was playing pool with Eren on Thursday.

Levi nods as Eren talks again, this time speaking fondly of him. "Levi is a graduate student here and a junior editor at a local publishing firm."

The glow in Eren's eyes makes it really easy to smile a little. Levi clears his throat to make sure his voice isn't muddled the mixture of anxiety and stress that flows through his veins. "It's nice to meet you both."

"Likewise." Annie mumbles as looks Levi up and down before tugging the sleeves of her grey hoodie to cover up her arms and shoving her hands into her denim vest, closing herself off.

"Yes, it's so nice to finally meet you." Armin smiles again.

Finally?

"Anyway, I think it's time for more caffeine." Eren fidgets and shoots an almost undetectable glare at Armin before returning to his smiling self. What is up with him? "Anyone want anything from the coffee cart downstairs? My treat."

Armin shuffles through the textbook at his fingertips him before deciding. "Just a bottle of water please."

Levi moves to accompany Eren, but Annie stops him in his tracks. "I'll come down with you to help carry." She stands and flashes a fiery side glance at Levi that he pretends not to see as he wonders if that's how people feel when he looks at them.

"Levi?" Eren is standing now, the dark red of his button up hanging at the sides to reveal his tight dark grey shirt. "I know it's nothing like the tea you make, but this cart actually has tea."

Levi swallows hard and tugs at the scarf around his neck, trying to air out the warmth that has rushed to his face. "That sounds lovely, thank you."  When the two are out of sight, he speaks up without even thinking. "So how long have you known Eren?"

"Since preschool." Armin still flips through his giant textbook, feverishly looking for something on all the marked pages. "Yeah, we grew up in the same little town, even decided to come to the same college together."

"And Annie?" Levi glances behind his shoulder to make sure they aren't anywhere within earshot.

"Eren and I both met her about four years ago. She's actually the one who told him to pursue the creative writing path. It's one of the best decisions he's made."

Levi only nods and looks down at the table. They all have quite a bit of history, that's something he can't compete with. Not that he wants to. Not that he can feel the jealousy rising within his gut. He shouldn't have come, should've stayed home and convinced himself that he wasn't falling for Eren from the safety of his apartment.

"He's said a lot of nice things about you, Levi." Armin stops flipping pages and settles his arms on the table. "That you're very intelligent, but shy. You don't talk much in class, but when you do, you're very insightful and give him quite a bit of inspiration."

Inspiration? How could he inspire anything at all? "I'm sure he's exaggerating." The heat still wears at Levi through his reluctantly blushing face and he unties his scarf, tossing it into his bag and letting the cool air rush over his neck.

"If there's one thing I've learned about Eren, it's that he doesn't say anything if he doesn't mean it." Armin watches Levi for a long second like he wants to say something else but wants to use the right words. "It takes him a bit longer to be able to admit things, or even to apologize, but at least you know he means it."

"Well it's very sweet of him to talk about me." Levi pulls his laptop from his bag and opens it on the table before looking back at Armin. "And thank you for letting me know."

"Are you two talking about me?" Eren's voice behind him makes Levi's chest feel light with the prospect of happiness and heavy with the guilt of knowing it will never happen at the same time.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Levi turns his head a little to catch Eren in the corner of his eye as he comes closer with his cup of tea.

"Hmm." His throat vibrates right in Levi's ear as he sets the cup on the table. His forearms show under the fold of his sleeves, and he's so close that Levi can feel the warmth of his skin as he barely brushes his shoulder, and smells the sweet scent of his cologne. "I hope the tea suits you. I asked the barista to make it up for a tea drinker."

Too close. Too intimate. And all Levi can think about is the way Eren looked in the morning, the way their bare skin felt rubbing against each other. And then, nothing. It's like Eren could read Levi's mind. Like he knows Levi is getting too close, like he can feel the forging attachment between them. He walks to the other side of the table and waits for Levi's answer.

He takes a sip of his tea and closes his eyes as a hint of sweetness dances with the heat on his tongue. "It's wonderful, thank you." Except it isn't wonderful. It's a tease. Its honeyed sweetness is too reminiscent of the taste of Eren's tongue. Its warmth is too evocative of the heat of Eren's affections.

Eren's proud smile shrouds the feeling of loneliness that overcomes Levi. "So how is the paper going?" He sips his coffee, holding it in both of his hands over his laptop.

Despite the world crashing around Levi's side of the table, Eren is unaffected, he only moves on to the next thing, leaving the previous engagement for something new. Just where was Levi on Eren's list of preoccupations? How long until Eren moved past him and onto someone else?

Levi looks busy pulling up his paper before he speaks, making Eren wait quietly. "Just about finished. It needs a conclusion and a proofread." Eren looks at him thoughtfully, eye brows low as Levi speaks. "How about yours?"

"I've still got a couple pages to go. But it needs to get finished tonight. I work a double tomorrow."

Armin and Annie both push earbuds into their ears and return to studying and the table restores itself in the silence as Levi comes to the quiet realization that he will always end up broken and alone. Despite his best efforts to stay unattached, Levi fell right into the teeth of the trap once again, into the arms of his new captor.

The captor that will resolve to throwing him to the side once he's finished with him. The captor that sits quietly behind the screen of his laptop with eyebrows furrowed. The young man with a spark in his eyes when he gets an idea. The one who unknowingly holds Levi's patience in his hands. The one that Levi has reluctantly held a steady crush on for 2 months. The one that brings him tea and is entirely too sweet on him.  
  


It takes Levi hours of eye tag to finish his final page. The sky aches into complete darkness outside the windows as Levi does the same.

Dammit. All that fills Levi is the apprehension of being alone and actually feeling lonely, something that hasn't bothered him in months. Dammit because all that makes Levi want to do is grab the collar of Eren's stupid fucking shirt and pull him to meet his face in the center of the table.

It makes him want to peel the shirt from Eren's arms and touch the swollen muscles trying to hide beneath the soft grey t shirt with his aching fingertips. And dig his hands into Eren's tousled brown hair as he pulls his face closer, touching the tanned skin of Eren's face until their lips met and Levi could tug that stupid lip ring between his teeth.

But there's just no way to get close enough to Eren, here or anywhere. Because no matter how badly Levi wanted to prove Hanji wrong, to prove himself wrong, all he accomplished was proving that he is too caught up. And still, all he wants is to get closer. Just once more.

Levi quietly closes his laptop and looks across at Eren. Never before has he felt such a profound want for something that he knows will only hurt him. But it feels so good at the time.

Eren touches his lip ring gently with his finger, pinching his bottom lip as he mouths words before typing with a jolt of energy. Levi feels his features soften as he looks at Eren's focused face. Eren's typing slows and his hand goes back to teasing the black ring between his fingertips. Suddenly, green eyes are on Levi for a split second, and then again when Eren realizes Levi is watching him. The spark in Eren's eye is no longer directed toward his work, and the fire behind his eyes ignites something in Levi.

"I'm going to go look for a book." Levi stands and Eren nods and smiles at him. He tries to look at the titles, but it's all just a colorful blur. He crouches before some titles, leaning his weight into the shelf wondering just what he's gotten himself into.

"Are you alright?" No matter what, he can't escape Eren.

Levi stands up, keeping his unfocused eyes on the shelf as he feels Eren moving behind him. "I'm fine."

"Hmm." Eren's fingers brush the skin of Levi's bare neck and his hand instinctively goes up to slap him away, instead he just lays his hand on top of Eren's. "Is this from me?"

Levi remembers the uncovered hickey on his neck and a shiver creeps across his skin. "Yeah." He lets his hand fall, and Eren presses his thumb into the splotched purple of Levi's neck. "I didn't even know it was there, my friend had to point it out."

"I'm sorry if I hurt you." Eren's fingers brush the skin beneath the collar of Levi's sweater.

Levi's voice comes as barely a whisper in the intimate space. "It...felt good." He swears he can hear the blush in his voice.

Eren moves behind Levi, still wary of the space between them. His hand gently wraps around Levi's shoulder and the heat of his breath teases Levi's neck as he leans in, first feeling the dampened heat of Eren's tongue followed by the pressure of his lips and the cool tinge of his lip ring.

Levi leans his head to the side to receive a second kiss but only gets a cool breeze over the space where the last open-mouthed kiss was placed.

The tease never ends, so Levi turns and presses his back to the shelf, prompting Eren to step in closer, too close, not close enough, and Levi loses control of the situation.

He grasps at any way to get some distance, any way out. "So did you finish your paper?"

"Most of it. I got a little distracted." Eren steps closer, leaning in and propping his left arm on the shelf behind Levi's head.

Maybe just one last time. One more time and then he can let it go. The possibility is enough for Levi to push back. "By what?" As much as he wants to veil his intentions, all his body wants is connection.

Inches away and that spark flexes in Eren's irises. "You just can't help it, can you?"

Levi looks up at Eren through the hair fallen on his forehead, a half-lidded calm. "Help what?"

"Looking at me like that." Millimeters away. Eren's lips send sparks in the distance between them, urging Levi to close the space, but he refuses to give in first. "Like you're silently begging me for something." He slips his finger beneath Levi's chin and turns it up, their eyes meeting on a level playing field. "It's not fair for you to have me this aroused in the library with my friends." He looks into Levi like he's about to break, to give in.

"Yeah." Levi grasps the unbuttoned collar of Eren's shirt in each hand, bunching the fabric between his fingers. "It's a bad habit of mine." And he's about to forfeit, he's about to pull Eren hard against him, but the younger man beats him to it, pressing his lips to Levi's, running his thumb against the edge of Levi's jaw, entering his warm mouth with an even warmer tongue.

Then both of Eren's hands are running up the length of Levi's chest begging to dig beneath the fabric and the only words that repeat in Levi's head are: _Take me home._

Pulling Eren into him, wrapping his hands around the younger man's waist, a noise seeps from his chest and his face rushes with blood. _Take me home_ . Both of Eren's hands lace in his hair, turning his head back, feeling the soft ruffle of his undercut. _Take me home._

_Please._

Levi quietly drowns in Eren's kiss, willing to be swept away by the current of his touch, but Eren finally comes up for air, pulling away from Levi with a ragged breath escaping his lips. Levi remains eyes closed, still submerged, still wanting to feel the warmth of the water, but completely deflated by the absence of Eren’s kiss for a long second.  It’s something he kicks himself for, begging to be taken home.  Pining over Eren and behaving in a way better suited for a lovesick teenager.  He's entirely too old for this for God's sake.  Too old to beg.  Too old to have a crush.  Too old to end up heartbroken over a college student.

But Eren isn’t ready to give up either.  His fingertips graze the fabric of Levi’s sweater before his indecisive hand stretches across the small of his back.  His other hand buries deep into Levi's hair, tugging at the strands and forcing a tingle across Levi's skin. "Don't fall away from me just yet."  His voice is quiet and raspy, layered with a fevered want that Levi can feel through the vibration between their chests.

And Levi is pulled back in, back at the disposal of his captor.  If he’s going to do this, he’s at least going to do it on his own terms. He stands on the balls of his feet to reach up to Eren's mouth, pulling him close and forcing his lips apart, grasping at his attention for just long enough to make him want more.  When he pulls away Eren is the one looking deflated.  "Walk me to my car."

Eren's eyes are wide and inviting, intoxicating.  He places a short kiss on Levi's lips, one that could never satisfy the need coursing through him. He moves away, walking down the aisle. Tease.

Levi pulls on his scarf and says a quick goodbye, bounding down the stairs with Eren in tow.  The air outside is quiet and cool, the shadows of his breath coming out in puffy white steam.  Eren follows close behind, shoving his hands in his jean pockets.  Neither of them were prepared for the weather today, not expecting the cool of winter to be approaching so soon.

Their paces quicken and neither say a word, neither need to double check what the intentions of the trip are. But where do they go from here?  Where do they go once they've reached the car?

Levi feels himself slow as he approaches his car, almost completely alone on the ramp of the parking garage. Alone if it weren't for the quiet tapping of Eren's shoes behind him, alone if it weren't for the pressure that comes with his presence.

But he's supposed to be in control, right?  This is about pleasure.  This is about one last time before Eren moves on  He unlocks the car and drops his bag in the front seat, turning quickly to Eren.  He grabs Eren's elbow and pulls him the rest of the way to the car, pulling him up against his body.  Levi presses his back against the cold black metal as Eren's body molds into his.  Eren's knee presses between Levi's legs, thigh rubbing against his already swelling cock.

He grabs Levi's sweater in both fists, leaning in and teasing the older man's neck with light kisses. "Mmmm." He whispers into Levi's ear, sending shivers across his skin.  Then Eren bites, nipping at his collar bone, sucking until it's red and swollen, and making a breath catch in Levi's throat.

"You have got me in such a bad way."  Levi’s admission comes with a bright red face, only saved by the fact that Eren is buried deep in his neck.

"I have you in a bad way?" Eren laughs a little against Levi's skin. "I think you have it backwards."  Eren leaves a line of wet kisses to Levi's ear, whispering in a grumbled voice.  "I mean look at me."  He leans back looking into Levi with hooded eyes.  "I'm an absolute mess."

But what Levi sees isn't a mess, just the need, the lust that is mirrored from his own eyes.  Begging to be touched, to be felt.

Eren presses his lips hard against Levi's and shoves the warmth of his hands up Levi's shirt, running his fingers across the muscles of the older man's chest, letting the chill of the November air creep across his skin.  He touches the hardened pink of Levi's nipples, gently squeezing them until an embarrassing whine seeps from Levi's lips.  At least it would be embarrassing if Eren hadn't responded positively to it.

Eren kisses Levi's neck before he speaks.  "I had fantasized about you before."  

He leans back, the tip of his finger trailing slowly down Levi's chest.  

"The thought of your pouty face pressed up against my headboard."

Tantalizingly slow.  

"The thought of your perfectly combed hair in a mess, plastered with sweat across your forehead."  

Eren's fingers brush back and forth across his abs, a shiver racking through him, spine moving forward.  

"The thought of how sweet you must taste."  

Eren's hand turns, his palm rubbing against Levi's throbbing cock, pushing a breath from his chest.

"Those ideas captured me for a long time, but the actual sight..."  

Eren bites his lip. Maybe he is a mess, but Levi can't tell, Levi can't focus with Eren's touch stealing his attention, Eren's words tingling in his ears.

"The way your fingers curled around the bed sheets."  

Levi only feels and listens.

"The way your head tips back and your mouth hangs open."

He puts more pressure on Levi's cock and reaches his other hand up, pressing his thumb against Levi's lips.  

"The way your voice sounds all breathy and smothered."

Levi moans without warning, the noise sending a blush across his face as he opens his mouth for Eren's thumb, swirling his tongue around its tip.  

"God...the way your eyes beg for more no matter what, no matter how many times you've been pleasured, like you’re completely insatiable."

Levi wonders if his eyes are telling Eren that right now, begging for attention, pleasure, release.

"The reality is just...something I could never have dreamed up."  

Eren grinds his weight behind his hand, pressing hard at Levi’s cock as he speaks.

"I can't get the image of how good you looked beneath me out of my head."

Then something clicks in Levi. The switch from timid to aggressive.  He pulls Eren's thumb from his mouth and presses his palm against Eren's chest to push him away.  Eren looks into Levi with undimmed eyes as the older man grabs a handful of his shirt and turns him toward the car, opening the door and pushing Eren onto his back in the back seat in one fluid motion.  Levi crawls in on top of Eren, maneuvering the door closed and grinding his cock into Eren's crotch.

When Levi finally speaks, his voice comes out in a growl, needy and hungry.  "Well then you're never going to forget how good I look on top of you."

Levi mounts Eren with force, pressing his tongue into the younger man's mouth as he pants.  When he leans back and slips his sweater and undershirt off in one motion, the word "Fuck" slips from Eren's lips, only giving Levi more incentive to undress the two of them.  He pulls Eren into a seated position and hastily pulls at the buttons of his shirt as Eren unbuckles both of their belts.

The two are on fire, fighting the clock on their desire in a heated mess, tearing at shirts, pants, and then, finally, skin. The weight of Levi's kiss pushes Eren to his back as his knees open wide to accommodate the width of Eren's hips.  

Leaning back, carving marks into Eren's chest with raked fingernails, Levi is consumed by every last detail that comes together to make Eren.  The fluorescent light of the parking garage reaches into Levi's car, illuminating Eren's bare body.  His shoulders lay across the back seat, broad and bare.  His skin, light against the black upholstery, is a glowing bronze against Levi's pale complexion.  Toned and taken care of, the muscles of his chest and stomach peek from beneath his skin, begging to be touched.  Throbbing at Levi's touch, Eren's cock stands rigid for Levi, thicker and longer and making Levi want to do absolutely filthy things.  Eren's arms, strong and tanned, get tossed above his head, digging into that perfect brown hair, as Levi holds their cocks together and thrusts against them.

After the long selfish look at his lover for one agonizing moment, Levi can feel the tension between their bodies, hearing the need in each release of Eren's breath.   He turns to dig through his bag and retrieves the condom and lube he hastily threw in there just in case. Just in case he got exactly what he wanted.

If he were in a rush, if he were with anyone else, he'd take his warm up into his own hands, streamline to the good part.  But here, with Eren, every second is good. Every minute, every tease, every movement is pleasure.

And if this goes Levi's way, if this is the last time, he wants to soak in each ray of heat that comes from Eren, to drown in the light of Eren's eyes for every last second.

So used to taking it into his own hands, asking Eren to warm him up is foreign to him, embarrassing even, but Eren sits up as Levi turns back and offers his hand, taking begging and embarrassment away with the bottle.

"Come here." Eren digs his fingers into Levi's hair, pulling Levi onto his lap, holding the older man close against his skin as he presses their lips together.  Their limbs and tongues tangle as Eren wraps himself around Levi, feeling every curve of his body, pressing fingerprints into the soft flesh of his ass until Levi is panting for more.

He lays back as Eren rolls lube between his fingers, bending his body over Levi's and running a hand up the man's thigh, hovering over Levi's parted lips as he begs for a kiss.  Eren answers Levi's silent pleas, tongues colliding in a hazy eagerness as Eren positions Levi's legs and teases a circle around his entrance.

That is enough to make Levi whine with a deep thirst for anything and everything Eren will give him.  One movement and Levi is quite literally wrapped around his finger, willing to do anything to experience Eren.  The younger man trails down Levi's throat, leaving heated kisses against his collarbone, grazing his teeth on the firm pink of Levi's sensitive nipples and prompting a surprised moan from the older man as he drives three fingers into Levi's ass.

In a chorus of ragged breaths, Eren puts his mouth to work on Levi's cock, forcing the entire length into the back of his throat.  The reason he came out today is completely lost on Levi when Eren grazes his prostate with the unrelenting drive of fingers and his promise to get away from Eren is entirely erased as the younger man circles the tip of his dick with the determined pressure of his tongue.

"Nnnnn...ah!  Fuck!"  Levi gasps, willing his body to hold on as Eren begins moaning around his cock, taking pleasuring in giving pleasure.

And then there's nothing.  Levi's body is completely devoid of Eren's touch, his warmth, leaving the older man panting, aching for more.

_More._

Crawling over Eren's body, the chill of the night air is unable to reach Levi.  The film of condensation from their heated breaths shields him from reason, from consequence, as he looks into the flash of green beneath him.  The intensity of Eren's look, the longing that radiates from deep within his body, reaches out for Levi, pulls him in until he is completely submerged in the weight of Eren's desires.

Raspy and worn down, Eren's voice buzzes Levi's ears, sending a spark of energy across the older man's skin. "I want you."  His hair stands a mess on top of his head as he takes in the view of the pale body on top of him, chest rising with hasty breaths, shining with a thin layer of sweat.

Leaving his desires unspoken, Levi arches his back at the caress of Eren's hands as they trail reserved down Levi's sides.  The tips of Eren's fingers start at the muscles of Levi's shoulders, sliding down either side of his spine, thumbs rolling over each rib.  The movement is a slow torture until the younger man's wrists turn, palms cupping each cheek of Levi's ass and pulling them apart.

Levi runs his hand quickly down the sweaty abdomen, gripping the base of Eren's cock and standing it up in the crack of his ass.   Slick with lube, the head of Eren's cock slips into Levi with ease, and a deep sigh falls from both of their lips as Levi turns his hips back and forth,  slowly taking every inch inside.

Shoulders hunched,  Levi lets his head fall, the black of his hair covering the smirk across his lips as he adjusts to the heat of Eren's length inside of him.

"Even with a warm up...ghh."  Jaw clenched, Eren breathes out, still holding the flesh of Levi's ass, pressing bruises into his skin.  "How are you still so tight?"

Levi scoffs and brushes the hair from his face, looking down at the disheveled man.  "You're kidding."  He moves forward a little, feeling the swollen cock deep within him as he leans back onto it with a quiet whimper in his throat.  "Nnnm...Have you even seen yourself?"

A short laugh falls from Eren's smiling lips, the sound emanating through him and spreading into Levi.  It is silly, and far more intimate than Levi thought casual sex could be.

The thought only captures Levi for a second before Eren brings the attention back to him as he looks up at Levi with the soft pink of his lip between his teeth, the black line of the lip ring sharp and stark against the warm glow of his skin.

The bite reignites the fire in Levi's chest, the bitterness and pain of being left behind replaced by an outpouring of lust as he finally starts moving against Eren.  His spine twists with each thrust, forcing himself back into Eren's cock, the solid force meeting him with forward motion.  Levi leans forward on hands and knees, pulling Eren almost all the way out, then back again, letting the heat spread through him each time the length fills him up.  Levi isn't moving against Eren at all.  He moves with him, pushing into his thrusts, begging his body to relinquish some of its pleasure, feeling the beginnings of losing control.

Control isn't necessary here.  The tight hold Levi has on his integrity, the perceived need to be courteous and cold, releases.  He throws his hands forward, grasping at the door for something to hold onto as Eren bends his knees and begins pushing up into the man.

Levi takes every bit of him.  Greedy and hungry.  Suddenly, the broken gasps that previously filled the air are replaced by the slap of skin on skin following the wicked movement of Eren's thrusts, and a cracked moan falls from Levi's lips.  He slaps his own hand over his mouth, digging teeth into fingers in a desperate attempt to shield his true desire, to stop the wave threatening to crash over him.

"Don't you dare hold that in."

Levi's hand is pulled away by the tight hold of Eren's fingers around his wrist.  "Ahh...fuck!"  Tightly closing his eyes, he pushes against the door back into Eren.

"Don't hold back on me."  Eren's voice is like whiskey, warm, tainted with the promise of sin, and it seeps through every vein of Levi's body, setting him on fire from the inside out.

A whimper aches from Levi as his lover's hands trace up the sides of his thighs, gentle and delicate paired with the deep thrusts, each equally pushing Levi closer and closer to the edge of oblivion.

Eren slows, allowing Levi to take the pace, the movement, the bucking of his body into Eren's swollen cock.  Eyes still slammed shut, focused on the inertia of his pleasure, a seed of doubt infiltrates Levi's freedom.  Is this good for him?

He opens his eyes to see the pair of big green irises already looking back at him, taking him in, pupils pooled with lust and fire, and something else that Levi can't quite read, something that makes Levi weak, makes him lean in closer and take possession of Eren's lips with his own.  Levi writhes on top of Eren, planting needy open-mouthed kisses against his lips, feeling the metal of the lip ring on his teeth.  Aching against him, delving deeper into Eren's mouth, feeling the younger man accept his tongue with an eager charm.

A quiet groan bubbles from somewhere deep within Eren as his gentle touches turn to desperate contact.  The fingertips of his right hand dig into the taut flesh of Levi's thigh, his hand moving up to brush Levi's jaw with his thumb, feeling it move as their tongues crash together.  The grunts boil over into Levi's mouth as he rocks himself repeatedly onto Eren's cock and finally erupt as Levi leans back, leaving more trails of red marks behind as his fingernails drag down the expanse of Eren's chest and abdomen.

Levi tosses his body forward and back, again, and again, and again, not hurried but hard, tilting his hips just right and plowing Eren into the spot that makes him falter.  Eren still holds his hand at the side Levi's face, fingertips grazing his neck and thumb pressing the plush of his lips.  The noises that drag from Levi's mouth are obscene as he lurches back again, slamming his sensitive swollen prostate onto the throbbing head of Eren's cock, encouraging the younger man to push up into him, to bury deep inside him.

"Fuck!"  Levi's movements falter again as he finds himself so close to the edge, but Eren would never let him get away that easily, dropping his hand hard onto Levi's shoulder, gripping tightly against his thigh, and forcing him back once more.  "Ahhhh..."  Levi tips his head back as he yelps into the ceiling of his car, feeling Eren etching dents into his skin with the tight hold.  "Eren..."  His head falls forward, relinquishing his body to primal force and Eren's diligence as the young man's name drains from his lips in one long groan.

"Oh, Levi..."  Low and ragged, Eren's voice and jittery breaths tease Levi's ears and pave the way to Levi's total demise.  Eren presses, relentlessly kneading at the spot that turns Levi into a mewling mess, with the determined swivel of his hips.  "Cum for me, Levi."  That's it.  The grunted words ordering Levi's complete dissolution.  Eren presses Levi onto his cock again, once to solidify the order, a second time to ensure his downfall, and a third to send the man reeling.

Levi cries out, so dizzied by the pleasure crawling across his skin, and completely fucking dazed by the ray of light that emanates from the connection of their touches, the luminous glint that Levi finds reaching every dark corner of his body, every untouched neuron in his mind.

"Ah-Eren!"  His back arches as the culmination of the hours of teasing, glances fraught with desire, and touches dripping with lust finally reaches him.  "Eren!"  The younger man's name leaps from his lips as he is completely and utterly drained of everything, warm drops of cum gathering across Eren's stomach as he heaves himself back and forth.

A spark crosses Eren's eyes as Levi's body clenches around him, forcing a shudder through Levi's body. Their gazes lock as the older man begins to collapse, holding himself up on the strength of Eren's arm. Neither of them look away as Eren surrenders to the deep seated lust hiding behind his eyes, a look far too intimate for the situation, throbbing into Levi with a desperate sigh.  "Levi."

The hold on Levi's shoulder wavers and he all but falls the rest of the way onto Eren.  Spine curved, Levi rests his head against Eren's chest, the sound of the younger man's heart beat eating away at his composure as a smile crosses his face.  Enveloped in the damp warmth of Eren's arms, an embarrassing, long, low moan seeps from his lips and brings a blush to his cheeks.

A reciprocating sound rattles Eren's chest.  "Hmmm."  Eren's fingers draw up into Levi's hair, gently rubbing circles in the short cut above the nape of his neck.  "You're incredible."

The words fill Levi with an embarrassing heat and he lifts himself from Eren with his remaining strength, finding the warmth of the younger man’s words in the light of his eyes.  Any inkling of an answer catches in Levi's throat with the weight of two months worth of unspoken words.  Shit.  He answers with a kiss, something that isn't stalled, pulling Eren out of him and pulling away.  "I'm sorry about that." He points at the mess on Eren's stomach.

Eren only looks down and smiles up at the man. "Don't apologize."  He reaches up, one palm digging into the seat of the car, the other brushing gently over Levi's jaw as he presses another kiss to the older man's lips.  He pulls just far enough away to speak with their swollen lips brushing. "I told you to."  He leans back on his hands with another smile.  Each one more intoxicating that the last.  "Just hand me my shirt, I'll..."

"No, that's disgusting."  Levi unsticks his body from the muggy skin of Eren's legs, moving backward until his knees meet between Eren's thighs.  The younger man tilts his head, smile morphing into a smirk when he glances into Levi's eyes.  "I'll clean it up for you."  He leans over, tongue teasing the firm skin of his abs, rolling the tip over the ripples just below the surface, tasting himself and Eren's salty skin.  Eren squirms beneath Levi's teeth as the man sucks and nibbles a spot splotched with the curly hairs of his happy trail and the small groan that glides past Eren's lips could be enough to work Levi into another carnal fit if he continues.  He pulls away, satisfied by both the redness left by his teeth and the huff of Eren's chest.  With all of his strength he gathers the clothing strewn across the car and turns away from the look in Eren's eyes that he's sure mirrors his own.

Eren pulls his t shirt over his head, doing no help to flatten the mess that Levi has made of his hair.  He looks over at Levi's half dressed body, eyes drifting over the bends of his knees as he awkwardly slips his jeans on.  "You were right."  Eren smiles another illustrious smile, one that captures Levi without a second thought.  "I'm never going to forget any of that."

Buzzing from the pile of clothing remaining between them, Eren reluctantly fumbles for his phone.  "Hey, Armin."

Levi tries to ignore the conversation as he pulls the sweater over his head and exits the back seat.  Trying to compose himself as he crosses the back of the car, trying to make sense of anything he's done in the past 48 hours, he shivers in the cool night air, so far from connection, so far from the safety of the warm car.

Eren slips out of the back seat.  "Would you be interested in getting dinner with us?" He straightens the collar of his button down, standing tall before Levi.  Too prominent in his mind, too drawn to his body.

"I should get home."  I should get far, far away from you. He could swear the corners of Eren's lips fall from his smile, if only for a second.  "And as much as I'd love to have you walking around with evidence of our hookup, you can't go out like that." This brings Eren's smile back as Levi reaches both hands up and runs his fingers into the mess of soft hair on the younger man's head, combing it back into its usual shape. His hands linger too long,  his heart beats too quickly.  Shit.

Eren looks into Levi's eyes like he's seeing something for the first time.  This time when he smiles his nose wrinkles a little.  "Well, I'll see you Monday then?"

"Monday." He goes to turn, to escape, but Eren catches him by the lips, a quick touch paired with the younger man's fingers against his jawline.  And then he's gone.  He's walking away and Levi is left alone. Alone with his stupid decisions.  And lonely.

Driving off, Levi returns a wave as he passes by Eren and the others at the man’s car.  All warmth has seeped from the car, wisping out the windows into the cool night air, and Levi is chilled, feeling the beginnings of his body freezing over no matter how high he turns up the heat.  Too pronounced in his mind, too dominant to hide behind his other thoughts, an emptiness hollows out Levi’s chest as he hears Eren’s words again in his head.   _“I want you.”_  

_You've got me. All of me. Without even trying._


	4. A Collective Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Levi swallows hard, grabbing the menu from the table and flipping it open, holding it as a shield between himself and the rest of the world, between himself and his past, between himself and Eren. He knows that’s wrong. It’s not about gaining and taking, it’s about giving, caring...but he has nothing left to give. He has nothing...and his propensity for caring was replaced with reluctance and guilt months ago."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Graphic sex to follow, you have been warned.

Patient, persistent, the thought of half-lidded green eyes and lips parted around a pierced smile lurked in the back of Levi’s mind all throughout his workday. Even in the midst of piled up deadlines and pointless office chatter, Levi found himself drifting back into a fantasy where things with Eren aren't so complicated, and despite his self-proclaimed ability to compartmentalize his life, his thoughts grasped at him, memories gnawed at him. Daydreams that used to push him through work now just seemed cloudy, muddled with dread, and choked him with a tight, dry throat. He should've known this would happen, that acting on his fantasies would be detrimental to their very existence. That being completely and utterly worn down by Eren's touch, his illustrious voice teasing Levi's ear, his every move, would make going back to just thoughts a near impossible task. Not to mention that any time a spark of a memory of Eren's body came to the forefront of his mind he became a nervous mess.

How he managed to get anything done was lost on Levi, and relief flooded him when his hours came to an end until he realized that he'd actually have to see Eren in less than an hour.  He’d actually have to be in the same room with the young man who has single-handedly arranged Levi’s complete undoing, the young man whose pursed lips so conveniently make Levi agree to his own destruction, whose touches send Levi’s heart heavy against his ribcage, and whose soft gratifying moans turn Levi into a shuddering wreck.  So quickly, so fully, Levi allowed himself to hang on every word that slipped from the dark pink of Eren’s lips, granted his own submission to the game at every smile that perched beneath the heavy green of Eren’s eyes.

And now, standing here in the cool air of the third-floor bathroom, Levi wishes he didn't come at all. Wishes he would've just gone home and actually gotten some sleep, or at least a chance to work out just how he was going to tell Eren that he's done.

Done. It's a funny word to describe something that had never actually begun, but Levi repeats the word to himself until it feels right, or until the word loses meaning.  

He breathes heavily, trying to get any satisfaction of air in his lungs, ripping the black scarf from his neck and tucking it safely beneath his arm. The spray of the water proves to be loud enough to drown out his noisy panting as he wets his hands again, wishing the water were cooler, eyeing the little bruised bite marks and spotted hickey on his collarbone and neck that peek from beneath the collar of his grey v-neck..

Did he dig his nails deep enough into Eren's chest? Did he suck hard enough on the skin of his abdomen? Did Levi leave any mark behind at all? Or is he the only marked one? Cursed with the light skin that so easily shows the purple bruises where Eren's fingers pressed into his ass cheeks, skin that so brightly displays the new hickey on the front of his neck to match the fading one on the other side. Eren so deeply marked him, and Levi is convinced he did nothing even close to the same to the younger man.

Not that he'd know, because rather than trying to go back to the normal Monday night routine, rather than showing up a half-hour early and talking to Eren before class, rather than sitting next to him and tapping stupid messages back and forth on their laptops, he showed up just before the professor began her topic introductions and sat across the room from Eren behind a wall of people. Not that he'd ever  _ allow _ himself the chance to know, because if he actually has that poor of judgement or so little restraint to allow himself to see Eren naked again...well then he deserves to feel as shitty as he does now. The fact that he allowed himself to be so captured, so enamored, by someone with such an obvious confidence, someone who consistently charms everyone around him, someone who is an actual ray of fucking sunshine, well that's cause enough for Levi to feel completely brainless and entirely gullible, and rightfully so.

"Are you alright?" Levi startles a little at the voice of the person he wants nothing more than to avoid, hands wavering as he turns the water off and puts his hands on the counter. Eren stands behind him in the mirror, green eyes wide under arched eyebrows. "You barely made it ten minutes into that lecture."

Ten minutes. That's all it took for Levi to become a complete mess of a man sitting in the same room as Eren. Ten minutes until he couldn't take it anymore, until the weight of what he had to say came down on his shoulders and wrapped tightly around his chest.  He eyes Eren through the mirror, tall, straight spine, broad shoulders, he outlines Levi's smaller, bent frame. Even with the concern marking Eren's face, he is bright, his skin shines from beneath the black hoodie pulled up around his elbows, the muscles of his legs daring to peek through the creases of his jeans. He is all too opposite of Levi and his grey personality, and that's what makes Levi finally speak up. "Stop being so sweet to me."  His voice is a breathy whisper, and the words fall heavy in the room, releasing some of the relentless pressure inside Levi’s chest.

Eren's entire thought process is animated by his eyebrows as they are drawn down and his head tilts a little. "What?"

"I'm serious, just stop." He hangs his head down between his shoulders, the loose black hairs falling over his forehead. Maybe this all would've been easier if Eren actually did move on from Levi without a second thought. Maybe he could've been spared his dignity if Eren suddenly found someone new to fuck, leaving him alone to pick up the pieces in private. At least then he wouldn't have to beg Eren to stop giving him attention, to stop acting like he's anything more than a momentary lapse in judgement, to just stop.

"Levi." Eren steps forward, bringing the snug grip of his hand to grab Levi's shoulder. Levi kicks himself for wanting to lean into the touch, to feel the embrace of Eren's warmth, to let the younger man’s skin intoxicate him one last time, but Eren's voice breaks the spell. "I'm worried about you."

A scoff pushes itself from Levi's lips. Worry. And just why would Eren bother spending his time worrying about him? It's just that nice-guy act, right? Just another way to pull him back in, to hook those claws just a little deeper into his flesh. He turns, making Eren's hand fall away, feeling so much clearer when he's on his own, no matter how much his body seems to be shaking under his own weight. He doesn't dare look at Eren, doesn't chance the glimpse at the neckline of his shirt or the way it hangs below his collar bones, doesn't indulge in the sweet warmth of his skin, just grabs a paper towel from the dispenser and focuses his gaze and attention on his wet hands. "Well stop worrying. There's nothing to worry about."

Levi stands straight with his body perpendicular to Eren's, but he can see the way Eren still looks down at him in the corner of his eye, moving back to give the older man some space. "Have you eaten today?"

Looping the scarf back around his neck in a huff, something lights a fire in Levi, he wasn't going to get away with begging either, he'd have to get angry to get Eren to leave him alone, he was going to have to yell to get Eren to release his grip.   "Eren, I'm not a child, alright? I don't need you to take care of me." He tugs the light grey sleeves back over his arms

Undeterred, Eren stands his ground, keeping the pleasant look on his face that only makes Levi more frustrated. "Everyone needs to be taken care of sometimes." His voice is so quiet, so soft on Levi's ears that it almost calms him immediately, the rigid form of his exterior softening a little. "It makes you human." Levi lets his posture fall, swallowing hard, it isn't an act. He knows that Eren actually is a nice guy, that's why everyone is so taken with him, that's why Levi fell into his trap. "Now, have you eaten?"

He ate breakfast, didn't he? Or did he skip it with the intention of getting a big lunch? Or is that dizzy feeling in his head and the shakiness in his limbs pointing to the fact that he was so distracted that he forgot to leave his desk today? "No." It comes out in barely a whisper, but Eren is listening closely, watching Levi's every move from a safe distance.

"Okay. How about we skip the rest of class and go get some dinner, okay?" Eren holds a hand out to Levi, but what is he supposed to do with it?  Take it?  Fall even further into the blackness that has been surrounding him, daring to take him over?

No matter how loudly Levi's mind screams no, he nods at Eren and follows him out the door, refusing to take the younger man's hand, denying himself the pleasure of being wrapped up in the length of Eren's fingers. His heart thuds hard against his chest, shaking him as he waits in the hallway as Eren retrieves their jackets and bags from the classroom, treading silently behind him across campus and getting into Eren's car. The younger man drives quickly, pushing five miles over the speed limit as Levi fades to guilt in the passenger's seat.

"Eren." The world is already dark outside the car, and Levi grasps tightly at the black fabric of his jeans as to not fall away completely. Shallow, his heartbeat and breathing aren't enough to sustain his dizzy form. "We need to stop."

The younger man swallows audibly as he pulls the car into the parking lot of a local diner, the warm light of the restaurant reaching out into the cool night and illuminating Eren's face. "Just wait, can it wait until you've gotten something in your stomach?" Eren pulls his lips tightly together with a quick glance to Levi, a look that only makes Levi want to get this over with quicker.

"No. No it can't wait. I don't want to do this in a restaurant." Levi waits for the car to come to a stop, turning his head toward the driver, leaving his body closed off and so far away, too far to be pulled back, too far to be saved. Done, he repeats. Done. "Eren, last Thursday was a mistake. It never should have happened."

Eren unbuckles his seatbelt and turns to Levi, tucking his right leg beneath his left. "Well what about Friday?" His body is stiff, and he hides his green eyes from Levi, waiting for the backlash from his bad joke.

"I'm not kidding around here, okay?" Levi takes a breath to soften his voice after Eren nods curtly, eyes down. "Thursday was a mistake, Friday was a mistake, Saturday was a mistake. All I've done the past week is royally screw up everything... I should've never taken you home with me..." That makes Eren's eyes shoot up, irises drenched in anger and sadness, a look that turns Levi's gut, a look that he never wanted to see directed at him. "Please take me back to my car."

"No, we need to talk about this." His long fingers reach out toward Levi, but stop inches away from him, balling into a fist and retreating to his lap.

"No, Eren, we don't." Levi finally turns his gaze back to his own hands as they wrinkle his clothes in their grasp. "It's obvious that one of us has gotten a little more emotionally involved than the other." Barely there, his voice dares to crack through his admission.

"Oh." Eren turns his head forward, but his shoulders are still open and facing Levi.

Levi doesn't look over, just eyes the darkness around his shoes. Before Eren can begin his speech, before he can apologize to Levi for not feeling the same way, Levi speaks again. "We need to stop before that person gets hurt." Stop before he is too far in and can't turn back, before he is completely buried, though it might be too late for that.

"Levi..." Though he doesn't look, he can see Eren leaning forward and looking at Levi, his shoulders hunched. Here it comes. "I didn't think I was being that obvious. I'm so sorry for putting you in this awkward position."

What? He turns a little too fast to be the uninterested participant that Eren now thinks he is, and his heart beats too quickly, pressing up into his throat for him to be able to convince himself to take that uninterested role. Eren's big green eyes, those damn eyes, how could they be looking at him like that? How could he be object of their focus? The green folds flex, holding their gaze over his face.

"Levi, please." His eyes are fraught with need, full eyebrows turned down. "I don't want to stop. I'll bury my feelings, I swear. I just..." He leans his shoulder back into the seat. He's close, too close, and Levi can smell the detergent on his clothes and the sweet musk of his cologne. "Sex with you has been the best of my life and I feel...happy with you. I don't want that to go away just because I have feelings for you." A faint blush creeps onto Eren's cheeks, but it's nothing compared to the heat in Levi's face.

"You..." Levi stops. The best sex of his life? Happy? Did that really just come from Eren's mouth? Releasing his hold over his clothes, fingers trembling lightly over his knees, Levi inspects each curve of Eren’s form, drawing lines over the bends of his joints, tracing the muscles of his arm, pulled taut beneath the skin as he grips the back of his knee. The likelihood of Eren being completely uninterested in him has been his only excuse to this point, and now...well now he has no excuse but the one that's been looming behind him for months, the one that tells him not to fall in again. "You're right. I need to eat before I have this conversation."

"If you go in and get a table I'll be inside in a minute." Eren doesn't break eye contact, but the unsure energy behind his pupils tells Levi that he needs a minute to think.

Levi can only nod, making the reluctant turn away from Eren, though all he really wants is to understand just why the younger man would be unsure, or just why he is getting nervous all of the sudden. He makes his way into the diner, away from the way Eren ruffles his hair, holding his head in his hand for a short moment.  Wrapping tendrils of anxiety around his shoulders, the soft lighting and the heat of the vents sends shivers across his skin, reminding him just how cold he really is.

The waitress walks up quietly, a small smile on her face.  She is small, inconsequential compared to the immeasurable weight that follows him into the restaurant, a dark cloud the size and shape of two grown men.  "How many?"

"Two." Levi's voice is choppy, and he clears his throat as she leads him to a booth by the front window, one where he can see Eren's car on the other side of the pane.

"Can I get a drink started for you?" He pulls his attention away from Eren and back to the waitress.

"I'll have a hot tea with lemon. He'll have a Dr. Pepper if you have it." The waitress makes an appeasing sound with a quick nod. "Thank you.”  He says it as an afterthought, rubbing the goosebumps from his arms through the layers of his jacket and shirt, swearing that he can feel the cool breath of memories he’s left behind on his neck at the edge of his scarf.

"You don't talk much."  Eren's voice, sweet and quiet, came from somewhere behind Levi, somewhere close, though all Levi felt was the distance between them as he tried once again to flatten his dollar bill and feed it to the vending machine.

A little too tattered, too torn at the edges, the money didn't meet the machine's standards, spitting it back out for the fifth time.  Levi let out an exasperated sigh and tries once again.  "Is that a problem?"  He watched Eren in the corner of his eye as the young man leaned his shoulder against the illuminated pop machine to his right.  Exhausted, maybe torn and tattered too, Levi's shoulders dropped and eyes closed when his bill was rejected.

"Not at all." The younger man shuffled a little, prompting Levi to look at him. He held a dollar bill out to Levi, green, crisp, with only one fold down the middle from the curve of Eren's wallet.  "It just means that when you decide to speak up I better listen." 

Blushing. Actually fucking blushing, Levi gently took the bill from between Eren's fingers and inserted it into the machine.  His edges softened as he pressed the buttons to release the Chex mix from the machine's clutches.  Like anything he had to say was of any importance.  Like anything that came out of his mouth was good enough to keep Eren's attention.  "Thank you."  He handed Eren the damaged bill and moved out of the way for Eren to make his selection, but the younger man just looked at him for a long moment, finally turning to the machine after Levi’s stability was completely shaken.  

Strangely, Levi had taken to speaking up during their private conversations after that, talking just a little bit more to appease Eren’s curiosity.  But they weren’t just talking, no, they were flirting.  No matter how much Levi claimed to himself that he was just making a new friend, an incredibly hot new friend, he couldn’t shake that giddy feeling that would raise inside him every time Eren came to class early, every time Eren’s name came across his laptop screen, every time Eren looked at him.  Levi knew from the beginning that Eren would never feel that attraction, and every week Levi’s fantasies would grow more intense, more involved than just classroom sex, yet every week he would deny every possible advance, brushing off Eren’s questions about his personal life as that pushy curiosity.  Because Eren would never be interested in him.

His only excuse, his immediate tendency to blame Eren, to decide for himself that he could never be good enough, happy enough, attractive enough to catch Eren's eye, well now that is wiped away. Levi ignored every outward sign due to this thought that he treated as fact, he dismissed Eren's attention, Eren's attraction, Eren's admission of not hooking up with anyone else since he met Levi, as just the way Eren is. Flirty and undeniable, making him think he was important, making him think his presence was worth someone else’s time, Eren brought Levi to his knees, humbled him, elated him.  The mere thought that he could be completely wrong, that he could entirely miss the mark, that Eren has actually had feelings for him all this time, well that makes Levi feel worse than he's felt all day. 

And better than he's felt in months.

Because what could Eren possibly want from him? What could he possibly offer? And just what the hell could Eren gain from Levi that couldn’t be found somewhere else?  With someone else.  It could be that Eren wants nothing from him at all, but that is not Levi’s experience with relationships, no.  There is always something to be gained, something to be taken, that’s how it has always been, right?  Levi swallows hard, grabbing the menu from the table and flipping it open, holding it as a shield between himself and the rest of the world, between himself and his past, between himself and Eren.  He knows that’s wrong.  It’s not about gaining and taking, it’s about giving, caring...but he has nothing left to give.  He has nothing...and his propensity for caring was replaced with reluctance and guilt months ago.

“Here’s your tea.”  The tap of dishes on the table prompt Levi to lower his shield, sliding it across the table for whenever Eren decides to join him.  

In this moment Levi holds the power.  If only Levi could assume the role and tell Eren that he’s not interested, but that would be a lie.  And just how could he lie to Eren about not being interested when he was so willing to swallow his feelings just for another night with Levi?  Stirring a packet of sugar into his tea, Levi feels dissolved at the edges, breathing heavily into his cup, causing ripples across the surface.  Eren cares about him.  Eren  _ likes _ him, likes him enough to pretend he doesn’t, likes him enough to be torn apart just to stay with him a little bit longer.  Even Levi, master of self-deprecation, isn’t willing to do that.  And honestly, it doesn’t matter how much Eren likes him, does it?  Because Levi was never cut out for this.  Levi isn’t ready to do this again, to lose everything again.  

Peeling the juicy pieces of lemon from the rind and plopping each piece into his cup, Levi looks up to see Eren being pointed in his direction.

Now he has to take responsibility for himself.  All he's ever done is take the responsibility. That might be due to his shitty magnetism for people who never learned to grow up, but that doesn’t change anything.  Someone has to take the blame for his shortcomings, for his fractured upbringing, for the tendency for everyone to leave him, it might as well be him.  He had only just started giving up on blaming himself, on taking responsibility, but once again he is proven wrong.

He actually  _ is _ to blame for this not working out.  It isn't Eren and his bright smile or inviting arms, but Levi. Levi and his inability to let go, Levi and his tattered ego.

Sliding slowly into the seat across from Levi, Eren’s knee brushes against Levi’s, urging Levi to sit up from his slouched position.  “Sorry about that.”  Eren doesn’t look up at Levi, just flips through the menu until the waitress returns.  Making their orders, an emptiness wells up in Levi that he hadn’t noticed before, a chill that cannot be warmed by a long sip of his tea.  Frigid, his skin is tight around his shivering body as the waitress leaves them, and a cold, anxious sweat breaks out as he pulls the scarf from his neck again, yanking the sleeves of his jacket off.  The movement makes Eren look up, the green of his eyes flexing as they take their hold on Levi, filling that emptiness inside him. 

Dammit.  Just how deeply has Eren’s reach sunken into him?  Just how tightly is the thought of Eren wrapped around his every nerve ending, encasing every firing neuron, encompassing Levi's very being?  He hides behind his cup for another long drink.  The heat of the tea teases his throat, but it does nothing by way of warming him up.  When he speaks, Eren holds him in his gaze, watching as Levi stumbles over his words, clearing his throat.  "If I'm being completely honest, I had no idea that you had feelings for me."

Eren leans back, his right eyebrow raising. "But what about the one of us that's more involved?"  His fingertips touch the outer edges of his glass, wiping away the condensation, the water pooling in the ridges of his fingerprints.  

"I was...talking about me."  Blushing, Levi's voice is quiet as he forces it to stay steady. Eren leans forward, a smile stretching across his face as he pulls the glass toward him, taking a sip from his straw with a glint in his eye.  There.  That damn smile reaches across the table and into Levi, daring to warm him up, daring to spread cracks into the barrier between them, to relax the muscles of Levi's aching limbs, loosen up those shadowed memories, bring light to every failure, every loss, and pull him back to the living world.  

But if that requires sifting through his past, he'd rather stay this way, half dead to the world, unreachable, unavailable.  “Before you start with that…”  Levi points one finger from his cup toward Eren, forcing him to pause for a moment, pulling his lips together.  “I can't do this.”  And that wipes Eren’s smile almost completely away, only the remnants of an elusive happiness at the corners of his lips.  “I don't do well with relationships."  What's most jarring is that he wasn't looking for anything when he met Eren. He wasn't looking for friends when he walked into that classroom, he's got enough of those noisy things to keep him busy. He certainly wasn't looking for a relationship, wasn't looking for someone who would tie up his thoughts so tightly, wasn't looking for someone to pull him back into that dark part of his mind.  "Look...I'm grumpy, and mean…”  He turns his eyes back to his tea, watching the empty pulp of a lemon sink into place.  “...and broken."

Catching the movement of Eren nodding just beyond his field of vision, Levi dares a glance at Eren’s expression.  Instead of the disappointed look he received in the car, Eren is leaning against his hand, elbow propped on the table with a pleased smile on his face.  "We should date."

Levi releases the hold of his cup, feeling the heat escape the skin of his palms as he lets out a long sigh.  "That's what you got from that?"  Watching Eren nod, head still leaning against his hand, Levi bites his lip and shakes his head.  "Are you even listening to me?"

Eren smiles, teasing his lip ring with his tongue as he drops his hand back to the table, the warmth and comfort of his bronzed skin just within reach.  "I was listening. All I heard was 'I like Eren but don't want to admit it.'"  But it isn’t within reach, is it?  Not with everything that Levi has forced between them, not with everything that holds Levi back.  Eren, despite proximity, is so far out of reach that Levi can’t even fathom how they’ve gotten to this point in the first place.  Levi is too far gone, too lost, and just how is he supposed to tell that to Eren?

A scoff comes as a huff from Levi’s nose.  “I’m not afraid to admit it.”  The waitress comes with their food, quietly setting the plates before them and leaving them to their conversation with barely a word.  “I just don’t see a point if it isn’t going anywhere.”  He stirs the contents of his salad, mixing the chopped pieces in his bowl and refusing another look at Eren.

“That’s just the thing though.”  Eren picks the bun from his burger, inspecting it, and traces two matching squiggles of ketchup and mustard onto the bun.  “It can go somewhere if you let it.”  

Levi swallows hard, watching Eren eat, feeling consumed by the feeling that Eren will never let this go, never let him leave without a fight.  And although he can’t believe that the younger man wants to completely break him, that he wants to leave Levi only a shadow of the self he’s rebuilt, well, that’s what will happen if they continue on this path.  "Eren..." He waits for the younger man to put down his food, wiping his hands on a napkin and taking in a deep breath.  No excuse pops into Levi’s head.  No good excuse because apparently being bad with relationships and being a complete mess doesn’t deter Eren at all.  "We barely know each other.”  It almost feels like a lie when he says it, though he could bring himself to believe it if Eren does.  He could bring himself to forget everything they’ve talked about, forget the smiles, forget the way Eren slowed his pace to match to Levi’s when they walked together, forget the way just the brush of Eren’s skin on his makes him feel like he’s on fire.  He could forget, couldn’t he?

"Yeah, you're right, you know nothing about me at all."  Of course, Eren doesn’t believe it.  How could he?  He points a long finger at the Dr. Pepper in front of him, one eyebrow arched over the playful energy of his green eyes.  

"It was hardly difficult to figure out what kind of drink you like. I'd have to be completely oblivious not to know that after eight weeks of vending machine runs." Shaking his head, Levi suppresses the small smile that dares to peek from his lips thanks to Eren’s infectious expression.  "You know what I drink and eat at school, not like that's really enough to sustain a relationship."

“I know where you work, and what you want to do when you graduate.  Does that count?”  He swipes two french fries in ketchup and chews on them with slitted eyes.

Levi stabs the lettuce in his bowl.  “Not if I said it during class introductions.”  Eating for a few moments in the quiet, Levi waits for Eren’s next rebuttal, hopeful that the back and forth is over, that Eren will give up on him before he gives in.

“I know that you're not as difficult to work with as you make it seem.”  Eren’s smile stretches across his face, warming his expression and sparking something in Levi’s chest.  

Levi shakes his head, picking at the good pieces of chicken he left for last.  "I am that difficult to work with. You're just overly patient. Or so stubborn that you don't know when to give up, I'm not sure."

"You're right about that." Eren points his finger at Levi as he pulls the metal of his lip ring beneath his teeth.  “I'm not giving up.”

Sighing, Levi tries to subdue the quickened beating of his heart, feeling the pulse through his whole body.  How can he be so intrigued by what Eren can give him when he was so ready to give up on everything?  He feels giddy, maybe even excited, until he remembers the cool brush of the fingertips that startle him awake at night, until he once again feels the looming darkness that hides behind his eyes.  The shadowed part of him that won’t let him move forward.  "We're not compatible. I know you well enough to know that you like going out, you're social, you want to go hang out with your friends at bars..."

Eren’s voice cuts him off.  "Now you're just making excuses. Just because you're introverted...I know  _ you _ well enough to know that you still like other people's company, as long as it's on your terms. And as for going out…”  He shrugs his shoulders, still wearing that undeniable smile.   “I'll stay in with you.”

Levi blinks, the pounding of his heart against his other organs making him dizzy.  Eren can see it, can’t he?  He notices the darkness behind Levi’s eyes, but he doesn’t care, because what is a little cloudiness to someone so full of light?  And he knows exactly what to say to make Levi’s reluctance fall away, to make the rigidity of Levi’s form loosen its grip on him.

Soft, sweet, Eren’s voice graces his ears, relaxing him a little bit more as Levi finishes his tea.  “It’s just dating.”  He pushes the remainder of his fries toward Levi and sits back into the booth.  With a short clearing of his throat, Eren’s eyes fall on Levi, easy and gentle behind those thick brown eyelashes.  Each blink of his eyes effortlessly moves Levi, seducing him over a featherlight smile.

Just dating.  Eren acts like it’s so simple, so easy.  But maybe it is that easy.  Maybe those heavy memories can hold back as he presses forward.  It is  _ just _ dating.  Maybe he can ease himself into this, ease himself into Eren.  “What exactly does dating you entail?”  Glaring at the fries, a warm blush creeps across Levi’s face, fingers shaking as he grabs one and eats it.

“The same thing we've been doing, except we both know what's going on.”  Eren tilts his head until Levi looks at him, a soft pink blush, barely noticeable, spreads across his cheeks that only makes Levi more jittery.  “We see each other more often, we eat together, we have sex. I can call you, you can call me.”  

A shiver creeps down Levi’s spine, spreading goosebumps across his skin.  Against his better judgement, against everything he set out to do today, Levi presses on with the thought of Eren’s body against his in the forefront of his mind again, not daring to make eye contact again until the thought is far from his head.  “And what about class?”

Sitting up, leaning forward with arms and lower chest pressed against the table, Eren tries to hold back the smile around his words.  “We sit together like we always do. We talk. We take our break together like we always do. We walk each other to our cars like we always do.”  He holds his lip hard between his teeth, the dark pink fading to white from the pressure as Eren looks up to Levi from his bent position.

Levi swallows hard, stacking the plates and setting them aside.  That’s everything they’ve been doing, everything Levi has wanted to do.  He leans forward, finally letting his eyes meet Eren’s, finally letting himself feel the heat behind them.  “Sounds like we've been dating.”

“Exactly.”  Eren shrugs again, the green of his eyes shining from beneath heavy eyelids.  “Fun. Casual.”  

But then what?  Either they continue on together or they break apart?  Levi begs his head not to go there for now, not to ruin it just yet while he feels almost convinced.  His voice is so quiet, so choked when it comes out.  “That's all you want?”

“For now.”  

No matter how hard he could try, Levi couldn’t forget.  Not if he wanted to, not if he was completely destroyed by Eren, he could never forget the way Eren looks at him, the way Eren’s voice forms his name, or the way Eren touches his lips when he’s thinking.  No.  So some of the damage has already been done.  He isn’t going to walk away from this unscathed.  But this can be enough.  This can be enough for now. 

So lost in thought, lost in the heat of Eren’s gaze, Levi startles a little when the waitress returns to the table.  “Is this on one bill or two?”

“One please.”  Levi quickly moves for his wallet, pulling the credit card from its place and handing it to her.  Receiving a bright smile from her painted lips, he turns to Eren as she leaves.  “That’s what you do on dates, right?”  He smiles a little at the smirk he receives from the younger man.  Eren watches him pull on the black of his jacket over the long grey shirt, watches him loop the scarf over his head, just watches him, unmoving, eyes digging into Levi’s flesh as each moment passes.  Clearing his throat, he attracts Eren’s observing eyes back up to his own, feeling the brush of heat on his cheeks at the unthinkable pleasure he feels at the pressure of Eren’s gaze.  

Nothing is said as Levi signs his bill, nothing more than a goodbye to the greeter as they exit the diner and make their way back to Eren’s car.  Nothing is said when they both crawl into the seats or as Eren turns the car on to warm them back up from the November chill.  Long arms stretching out, Eren messes with the blower setting, turning his headlights on, and all Levi can do is suppress the feeling in his gut as he inspects the bends of Eren’s elbows and draws his eyes up the line of the younger man’s jeans.  He says nothing, but wants nothing more than to be smothered by the hands that reach for the steering wheel, nothing more than to crawl across the middle console and into Eren’s lap, mounting the warmth of his body and having his arms wrap tightly around his waist.  Eren turns to him, biting his lip and looking into Levi, but all Levi can do is keep wanting, keep feeding the desire in his gut for the plump force of Eren’s lips, the taste of his tongue, the weight of his body.

“There’s that look again.”  Eren smiles down on him, crossing his tongue over his bottom lip and shaking his head a little.

Levi swallows hard, flustered by the way Eren moves his head a little closer, just not close enough.  “What look is that?”

Closer yet, Eren runs his finger along the line of Levi’s jaw, turning the man’s head slightly to get a better angle.  “The one that makes me feel like you’re going to completely fall away if I don’t touch you.”  Eren’s lips are just inches away, his breath hot against Levi’s face, and all Levi wants is for him to be closer, closer until there is no space between them, until there’s nothing but skin and sweat.  “The one that has me completely undone.”  Levi closes his eyes, breath caught in his throat as he awaits the pressure of Eren’s lips, but the pressure doesn’t come.  He opens his eyes again, taking in the taunt of Eren’s face so near, the green of his eyes pulling him in.  “Come to my place.”  Levi has no choice, no option, not that he wants one, not that he wants to go anywhere without Eren, so he nods, feeling a whimper creep from his chest as Eren’s hand slips from his face and the car pulls out of the parking lot.

Only the whir of the tires and the sound of the radio fill the car for a few minutes before Eren speaks again, the sultry intoxication left out of his voice for a moment.  “Should we pick up your car for the morning?”

“No.”  The word slips from Levi before he can even consider the possibilities, because there are no good choices.  If he leaves Eren’s side now, if he realizes his mistake too soon, there will be no dating, there will be no more nights with Eren.  If he realizes just what a mess he’s gotten himself into, there will be no more anything.

“Okay.  I can just drive you to it in the morning.”  Shallow and calm, Eren keeps his voice quiet to keep from startling Levi, or at least that’s what it seems like.  Like he knows the fragility behind Levi’s face but still dares to push it further, to test the waters, to break the unspoken fear in the space between them.

But Levi keeps himself distracted, focused only on the hum of pleasure that he will soon hear in Eren’s voice, the concentration behind Eren’s movements as he urges Levi into a state of unrestrained bliss.  It gives Levi the chance to breathe into his fantasies once again instead of being buried by them, even if only for now.  He settles into the seat and looks out the window.  "There's not a cloud in the sky tonight."  Reaching up, Eren slides the cover to his moonroof back, revealing the brilliance of the little lights against the dark autumn sky, letting Levi revel in the way they slide past the window as they make their way to Eren’s apartment.

Syncing with the heavy beat of Levi’s heart as it pulses apprehension through his veins, their footsteps trail up the sidewalk to the door of the apartment building.  Eren holds the door for him, allowing Levi to enter onto the dark blue carpeting.  Following close behind, ushering Levi up the stairs, the energy radiates from Eren’s skin, reaching into Levi even with inches of space between them, sending a shiver across his skin as Eren steps beside him at the top of the stairs.  Maybe it would be better if there were a touch, a reminder of why he’s here as he enters an unfamiliar place, walking into what could be the complete obliteration of his misguided trust, the possible self-destruction of further involvement in a relationship he knows he isn’t ready for.  

Still, he walks in, pushes forward even as his unquiet mind rattles insecurities, moving past Eren as he holds the door.  After barely a glance at the inside of the apartment, Eren's fingers are grasped roughly at the inside of his right elbow, the coarse material of his jacket held in tight folds.  His body is whirled around and pressed against the wall within a second, pinned by the weight of Eren's arms.

Holding his breath to shake off the look of utter desire that he feels on his face, Levi is completely helpless.  Helpless to Eren's every whim, exposed further every second that Eren continues standing over him with a look in his eyes that makes Levi feel like he's about to fall apart.  He shudders as Eren's hands move to the collar of his jacket, every inch of his body responding to Eren's touch, every last cell of his body wanting to reach out and take the kiss he was deliberately denied in the car.  But he doesn't, his impatience lying dormant as he waits for Eren to make his move, to pull him in, to strip him of his clothes, his reluctance, his past.

Eren moves closer, bending his back and leaning his head to the side, suffocating Levi with proximity, but the older man has no objection to the heat of Eren’s breath from his nose or the way he can watch the heaving of Eren’s chest from this angle.  Levi has no uncertainty about wanting Eren’s undivided attention in this moment, no.  Levi's lips hang heavy, open for Eren to crash into, but the younger man only moves closer, biting his own lip, the marginal space between their lips would be insignificant if it didn’t leave Levi begging for more, yearning for the entire weight of Eren’s body on top of his.  Still, the younger man moves with disciplined restraint, their faces almost touching as he moves his mouth to the edge of Levi’s ear, his breath sending shivers down Levi’s spine.  "Will you let me..."  Barely brushing the sensitive skin of Levi’s ear, Eren’s lips tremble around his words, the heavy hum of his chest reverberating through Levi.  Anything.  He’ll do anything as long as Eren finally closes the space between them.  "Take your jacket?" 

Shrugging the jacket off his shoulders, Eren slides his hands down either side of Levi’s arms, taking the weight of it and turning to hang it on a hook.  Fully devoid of the younger man’s presence, Levi leans his weight into the wall, completely drained, completely elated as he lets out a heavy sigh, tipping his head back and closing his eyes, feeling awake in every muscle, feeling energy shaking in every bone.  "You're such a t-"

His words are smothered by Eren's lips finally taking over his mouth, his tired energy lifted, his breath knocked from his chest as both of Eren’s palms graze his cheeks, as fingers are wrapped into his hair, and pressure of Eren’s tongue finally plunges deep into his mouth.  His words are nothing as Eren leans into him, gracing him with deep, heavy kisses followed by sloppy, soft ones.  He is almost completely wiped away as Eren’s fingers touch the top of his neck and lace around his ear, almost completely drown by the way those fingers migrate across his chest.  He turns his head at Eren’s command, accepting every kiss, every brush of lips, every heated breath because fuck he’s been waiting so long.  He’s been waiting for what seems like forever for Eren to just swallow him whole, to wrap the ever-reaching light around him and entomb him in pleasure.

When Eren finally backs off, releasing Levi against the wall, he presses his hands flat behind him, trying to catch his breath, trying to catch himself from falling into himself.  “What were you saying?”  Eren moves swiftly, untying the knots of his high tops, kicking them to the side, backing away from Levi, but hell if Levi can remember what he was saying, what he was doing before now.  All he knows is the weakness in his knees and the hardness of his cock beneath the tight hold of his jeans, and that it’s all thanks to Eren. 

Levi slips the shoes from his feet, treading onto the carpeting slowly, every bit of unease released from his chest, every bit of reality all but slipping away from him.  “Where’s Armin?”  Anywhere but here.  Anywhere that he won’t be walking in on the way Levi is looking at Eren, like he wants to be devoured.

Sitting in the middle seat of the couch across the room, Eren glares up at him, something alive dancing behind the darkness of his pupils.  “He works at the chem lab late on Mondays.”  A sly smirk crosses his face and he pulls his lip between his teeth, letting the black ring barely touch the deep pink of his top lip.  It takes everything Levi has not to run toward him, not to jump into his lap and pull that ring between his teeth.  “Levi…”  Eren’s eyebrow raises as he looks up at the older man’s stationary body in the spot he stopped on the floor.  He looks far behind the muted blue and grey of Levi’s eyes, scouring beneath the surface until he’s satisfied and clears his throat.  “Come here.”  It’s a request.  Simple.  One that makes Levi’s first step waver.  It’s a demand.  One cushioned in heat, desire, and one that makes Levi steady as he moves closer, closer until he can read the claiming look on Eren’s face, closer until their knees touch and he climbs on top of the younger man, closer until there isn’t a breath of space between them.

Wasting no time with the fevered body beneath him, Levi digs his fingers into Eren’s hair, placing long open-mouthed kisses against his lips, breathing heavy and quick as Eren’s hands trail up his legs, cupping either ass cheek in his palms and squeezing.  “Ah!”  The movement catches Levi’s breath in his throat, the tender bruises on his ass sending a spike of pleasure across his skin.  But Eren quickly moves a hand to Levi’s head, pulling him back into a kiss as the other hand skirts up, fingertips teasing the hem of Levi’s shirt, barely grazing the skin of his hip.  A blush races across every inch of Levi’s body, sending a heat throughout him that can only be relieved by the removal of clothes.

Eren’s fingers dig into the cloth around Levi’s neck, tugging at the scarf, pulling Levi’s body closer with a tight pressure at the back of his neck.  Freed from the scarf as Eren pulls it over his head, Levi indulges in the younger man’s lips once again as Eren concentrates wet kisses against his collarbone and grabs handfuls of his shirt.  He can feel the heat, the pressure of Eren’s fingertips through his clothes, wanting to feel them and them alone, wanting to get undressed as soon as possible, to press his skin into Eren.  Interrupting the younger man’s attention, Levi pulls the shirt from his own back, tousling his hair with his fingertips, giving a half lidded gaze to Eren who digs his fingers deeper into the flesh of Levi's thighs through his jeans. 

More skin to pepper with kisses, more muscle to dig his teeth into, Eren returns to Levi’s chest, running a hand up the small of the man’s back, finger tracing the line of his spine.  Levi unzips Eren's hoodie slowly, not ignoring the attention of Eren's lips at his neck, Eren's teeth at his skin, marking him again and again.  Then Eren grinds his growing cock into Levi, coaxing a moan to slip from Levi's lips that makes the momentum tumble out of control. 

Eren wraps his arms tightly around Levi, turning and pressing the older man's back into the couch, forcing his knees to either side of his chest.  The back of his thighs rest on Eren's hips as he grinds his cock deliberately slow into Levi.  Sinking into the soft cloth of the couch, Levi’s body jerks with each thrust of Eren’s hips, driving soft moans from his mouth and making him dig his fingers into his legs.  Eren scrambles to lose his hoodie and shirt without stopping the heavy rhythm of his movements against Levi, making a soft grunt as he throws his shirt to the ground, turning his full attention back to the man huffing beneath him.

The muscles of his shoulders tense as he puts his hands next to either side of Levi's head, elbows bending as he comes in to claim Levi's lips, his tongue, his heat.  He takes it all, and Levi gives it away willingly, gives it away without a second thought, because as they work into the quick, meaningful touches, the fingertips at the edges of his underwear, Levi wants all of Eren, all of the light and none of himself, none of the past.  He allows every thrust against him, every graze of Eren’s fingers on his skin, every kiss, every lash of Eren’s tongue to dismantle him completely, to work him into a frenzy of broken moans and postponed pleasure with every agonizing second.

Still, he wants more.  More of Eren’s hitched breaths, more torturous kisses across his skin, more friction, less clothing.  And Eren reads him like he isn’t some ancient script written in a dead, broken language.  Eren reads his body, hears his frustrated moans, and answers their call, pulling away from Levi’s lips, darkened eyes landing on Levi.  “I was gonna fuck you right here…”  Biting his lip, letting a heavy breath fall from his chest, he grinds against Levi one more time.  “But the thought of you naked in my bed…”  A vicious smile crosses his lips to match the heavy-lidded hunger behind his eyes.

At this point, Levi is so far gone, so desperate, and when his voice comes out, it’s quiet, marked with heat, desire, and demand.  “I don't care where, just don't make me wait any longer.”

The weight of Eren's body is lifted from him, letting his legs stretch out as he leans up on his elbow, head dizzying with the rush of air to his lungs.  Standing before him, Levi's eyes take in the length of the man's chest, trailing down the muscles and landing on the faint yellowing of a fading bruise, the one he created when he sunk his teeth into the heated flesh.  There lies the proof, the little affirmation that, despite all sensibility, Levi made an impression on Eren.  This is real.  This is happening.  This is too much.  

But he stands anyway, walking into the opposition of the storm inside him, into Eren, feeling the taut muscles of the younger man's arms wrapped around him, carrying Levi to the unlit quiet of his room, carrying the burden of Levi's decisions along with them, and tossing them to the side as he sets Levi on the edge of the mattress.

Clicking on the lamp beside his bed, Eren's body swims in a wash of soft, warm light that outlines every crease of skin his joints, bringing attention to the definition of his muscles, and lighting the flash of energy that reaches out from Eren's eyes, the golden flecks drenched in green that awaken something sinister within Levi.

Then Levi's attention falls to Eren's long fingers working at his belt, the sway of his shoulders as he pulls the leather from metal, heavy breaths falling from his lips.  "I don't know what it is about you..." He swallows hard, looking down onto Levi, the timber of his voice resonating in Levi's chest, reverberating beneath his skin.  "I feel like I can't control myself around you."  And his pants fall to the floor, cock stiff behind the tight black of his boxers.

"Then don't."  The energy behind Eren’s eyes darken as Levi stands and takes his pants off, kicking them to the side.  "Don't try to control yourself."  Eren watches him, chest heaving as Levi strips himself of the rest of his clothes, the rest of his uncertainty.  "Just get over here." Get over here and don't hold back. 

And Eren is stripped of his restraint, covering Levi in frenzied movements, grasping and groping and kissing until Levi is a panting mess in his arms, until his joints are pliable and his every move is dictated by Eren's touch.  He is weakened, torn down by every breath that falls from Eren's lips, dismantled by the grip of Eren's hand around his cock, the steady decline of inhibitions that lead to a build up that will have him elated for hours.  Levi drops to his knees before the younger man, tugging at the underwear separating him and his goal until Eren wraps his fingers around the base of his cock, presenting it to Levi's open mouth.  Wrapping his lips around the plump head, creating a suction that makes a breath catch in Eren's throat, Levi runs his hands up the thickness of the younger man's thighs, consumed by his motions, by the thought of Eren's hard cock wiping away every shadow in the back of his mind.  His hair is drawn between Eren's fingers, teasing his scalp as he runs his tongue across the sensitive slit of the hardened cock with a gasp. 

A single look, the downward, half-lidded expression on Eren's face, the bitten lip as he looks down at Levi, shaking his head with a smirk, it has him dissolving into the wave of need coursing through him.  It has him dazed, has him compliant as Eren manipulates his body, as he takes his place on his hands and knees on the floor of Eren's bedroom.  That fact alone, that he is in Eren's bedroom, carpeting pressing dimples into his palms, has Levi almost entirely unnerved.  How he got to this point is so far from his mind as he feels Eren's movement behind him, as slicked fingers are pressed into his needy body.  All he can think about now is the heat as he feels himself tensing around Eren's movements, the throb as he is stretched in preparation for the width of Eren's cock, and the relief as he completely forfeits his reason to his desire, his want, his insatiable need.

Still, Eren aims to fill his appetite for pleasure, placing the weight of his palm at Levi's hip, holding the man steady as his fingers stretch inside, just barely enough to keep Levi satiated for the moment until he brushes the spot that forces Levi's elbows to buckle.  "Ghhh-"  His breaths hitch, heavy and fraught with need, thick with urgency as Eren finds that spot again.  "Ah!"  And Levi digs his fingers into the carpet, pressing his forehead to the floor when Eren pulls out of him, tearing into a condom in the breathy space between them. 

Pushing up against the floor, Levi looks over his shoulder to Eren, eyes locking for a moment as the younger man leans his body over Levi's, lips brushing at the base of his neck, cock just barely resting against his ass.  "Please."  Levi’s voice is labored, his breath forced from his chest as he hangs his head, sweat sticking the black hair to his forehead.  "Don't make me wait." 

The move is immediate, Eren's left hand on Levi's shoulder, the head of his cock poised to send Levi over the edge with just one movement.  "Never."  And he presses into Levi with a breath caught in his throat, leaving a wet kiss against Levi's shoulder blade, words whispering across his skin.  "I'll never make you wait."  Levi shivers as lips graze his skin, a moan racking through him as Eren presses the entirety of his cock into him, making the man double over, pleased to finally be filled, to finally be taken over completely.  When Eren moves inside of him a stunned silence captures Levi, feeling so silly, so over stimulated, so captivated by the shivering that has already begun in his limbs, by the inconsistency of his breath, by the fact that he could reach his end in a matter of moments thanks only to the titillating spark of Eren's movements.

But Eren won't let him, no, because as much as he wants to feel the full satisfaction tearing through his body, as much as he wants give way to the agonizing throb of his orgasm, there is so much left to be felt, so many seconds of pleasure to be packed into the moments leading up to the end.  Eren won't let him, because he knows Levi needs more, demands more with every breath through his lungs, begs for a complete debilitation of his senses, for the erasure of his thoughts in their entirety.  This isn't just the usual mind-numbing sex he found elsewhere.  Eren leaves him exhausted, leaves him wasted, and spent, and alive.

Limbs fully entwined in Eren's, he strains against the floor as his body is pulled from the ground and he is seated in Eren's lap, the skin of the younger man's chest, sticky with sweat, clings to Levi's back as he staggers backward onto the man's cock.  Gravity works with him as he finds his footing, pressing the balls of his feet into the floor, palms and fingers wrapped tightly around Eren's knees, the weight of his body aiding him as Eren's length is thrust completely inside him.  "Fuck."  Hanging his head, he lurches forward and back with broken syllables falling from his lips, throwing himself against Eren with every ounce of strength left in his muscles.  His voice is sharpened by his breath as Eren's hands run up his back, fingertips running against his flesh.  

When he brings them back down, he grips at Levi's waist, he turns the man once again, this time into the soft cloth of the mattress, the dim blue of the sheets, as a grunt rattles in Eren's chest.  Levi is stunned with a sharp intake in breath as Eren presses into him, the younger man's hands on his hips to hold him steady.  Not yet fully weakened, Levi stretches the length of his back, pushing his arms forward and grabbing handfuls of sheets to anchor his weight, leaning back into every heavy thrust of Eren's hips.  He matches the rhythm of each of Eren's movements, feeling the heat of finger sized bruises the younger man etches into the soft skin of his hips.  His hold on the sheets wavers, chest falling closer to the mattress and giving Eren perfect alignment to slam directly into the spot begging for attention, begging for constant and immediate pressure, and Eren doesn't hesitate to drive back into it, with a harsh ferocity that forces a yelp from Levi's lips.  Once more and Levi's strength is depleted, his limbs weak, collapsing beneath him.

But Eren's consistency doesn't waver, doesn't lessen as he bears down into Levi, forcing choked moans from the man, making him turn to a mess in the sheets. "Hah...Levi."  Mess might be understated, because Eren does precisely what was asked of him, he does exactly what Levi wanted.  He doesn't let up, he doesn't give in, he just fucks Levi with unrelenting persistence, forcing a fevered blush over the man's entire body.  The noises creaking from Levi's chest would be embarrassing, would turn him bright red if he weren't already, if he weren't focused on the smack of their skin and the shiver that creeps through his boiling body.  "Hmmm."  Eren's voice comes out sultry, sweet, outlined by a barely audible growl.  "You're so incredible."  He runs the heel of his right hand up Levi’s back, the movement, the spark, the absolute fire of Eren’s touch sends the man into an astonishing silence as he holds his breath, as he holds back for as long as possible.  “So hot.”  Wrapping his fingers gently around the juncture of Levi’s shoulder and neck, the man buries his face deep into the pillows, trying to stifle the moans escaping him.

Even the pillows can’t muffle the strength of his words as they rip through him.  "Eren."  He places his right hand over Eren’s on his shoulder, trying to remember the folds of his knuckles, the length of his fingers, the way they send energy into his body.  He memorizes the wariness in his stomach, the awakened cells beneath his skin, the outright pleasure, and sheer satisfaction as he is forced over the edge.  He memorizes until his mind is numb and the sensations take over, until he turns off the thoughts and Eren is all that’s left, until Eren takes over every one of Levi’s senses.  “Ack...Eren!”  The scent of Eren’s hair left on the pillows filling his nostrils.  "Nngh.”  The sweet taste of Eren’s kiss on his tongue.  "Ah-fuck."  Eren’s cracked grunts chiming in his ears.  "Yes.”  The pressure of Eren’s hands on his skin, the full length of his cock slamming into him, pressing relentlessly against his prostate.  "Eren, yes!"  And when Levi closes his eyes, sight completely darkened in the shield of the pillows, the sly smile and green irises remain in his vision.  Eren presses into him until he is overwhelmed by his senses, until the world around him is shattered, until everything is gone.  "Hahh...ghh.”  

Hovering his weight over Levi, Eren’s hands sink into the mattress on either side of Levi’s shoulders, breath hot against the back of his neck.  “Yes…”  His voice is barely a whisper as he slows his movements, slamming hard into Levi with unbroken force.  “Cum for me.”  And he is answered with the immediate response of Levi’s release, the instant reaction as all of the tension flowing through him is relieved.  He pulses hard around Eren’s cock as he sends one last drive into Levi, and he feels every throb against his sensitive body, feels the softness in Eren's voice as he cries out.  "Levi-"  Feels the almost delicate pressure of Eren’s lips against his back.

When Eren pulls away from him, every bit of borrowed energy leaves through his shaking limbs, the weight of his body becoming all too apparent and forcing his weakened structure to go completely limp, rolling over and away from the mess he made on the sheets.  His breath quivers from his lungs, eyelids too heavy to keep open.  The mattress moves beneath Eren as he poises his body above Levi, encompassing the man’s lips with his own, taking his breath, taking his weakness, rebuilding his composure, and giving him warmth, lending him strength.  Holding his face, Eren traces Levi’s jawline with the tip of his thumb, breath against Levi’s cheek, tongues caressing, swollen lips pursing, he subdues every craving with his kiss.  Just when he goes to pull away, Levi laces his hands around Eren’s sides, drawing him back in, feeling the weight of his naked skin on top of him, tracing his lips with a quiet hum in his chest.  

Finally letting go, Levi sinks into the warmth of the bed, looking into the shining green flitting across his face, basking in their absorption for a long moment, willing the quiet blush of his face to go away.

Levi drifts through the next twenty minutes with a lightness in his chest, rinsing himself off in the shower, coming back to Eren’s bed and crawling into the fresh sheets, waiting with the weight of sleep on his shoulders for Eren to clean up.  It feels longer than it takes, so when Eren finally climbs into bed, Levi falls into the pillow with a heavy sigh, turning toward the younger man as he is covered by the blanket.  Eren’s face is lit up with a smile, the energy reaching up to his eyes, curling up with the lip ring.  Calm, quiet, Eren speaks in the short space between them.  “You look…”  He pauses for a long second, and Levi can feel the weight of his gaze as it outlines his face, as it grazes his lips, caresses his cheeks, encapsulates his eyes.  “Happy.”  

Electricity flutters across Levi’s chest, his whole body numb on the mattress, feeling suspended and heavy yet somehow weightless.  He moves beneath the covers, feeling the threads under his fingertips, assuring him that this is real, that it isn’t some fever dream.  Swallowing hard, watching Eren bite his lip, he speaks.  “I am.”  He can’t keep the smile from crossing his lips, but it feels...almost right, and Eren doesn’t hold him to it for very long, turning to click off the lamp beside his bed, the illuminated green of the clock reading just past midnight.  Turning to his back, Levi watches the moonlight stretch onto the ceiling from the window across the room, finally closing his eyes, finding the hours between now and waking up less daunting than usual as Eren moves closer, heat radiating from his skin.  

"Levi?"  Eren’s voice shines through, muted in the complete silence of the apartment.  

Opening his eyes to the darkened room, Levi shifts his body, stretching his legs, brushing Eren’s knees under the blanket.  "Hmm?"  Everything is groggy, fuzzy as he tries to focus on Eren’s voice, but it doesn’t come for a long time, so long that he thinks he dreamt the soft call of his name.

“I know this is hard for you, but...”  Levi swallows hard when Eren finally does speak, an anxious heat creeping over the inside of his chest, though he doesn’t quite know why.  He blinks hard, trying to revive a little wakefulness, a little sensibility.  "I don't want to date anyone but you."

There it is.  The inability to be satisfied isn’t Levi’s obstacle.  It’s Eren’s.  His heart beats heavy in his chest, pounding against his ribcage, muffling everything in his ears.  He chokes out a choppy word, the only thing he can think to say.  "Okay."

"And...I don't want you to date anyone else."  Levi sits up, looking over at Eren, but it is too dark to see his face, too dark to make out his expression.  The darkness weighs on Levi, and all he can see is the light from the window and the numbers of the clock reading 1:16.  "I want you to be my boyfriend."

Barely thinking, barely breathing, Levi slides to the edge of the mattress, uncovering himself, feeling the cool air of the room against his skin.  He presses the balls of his feet to the floor, strength in his arms barely holding up his upper body as they press into the bed.  Somehow in the hour of his sleeping, the darkness that Eren so easily threw aside had moved back into him, gripping his limbs.  "Eren..."  His voice shakes, so much that all he can think about is the jittery shiver that moves his whole body and the darkness that comes from Eren closing in on him too.  “You said…”  There is no air, not a breath in his lungs.  “You said dating was enough.”  His head hangs heavy, chest heaving, though no amount of air can alleviate the pressure of his ribcage.

“I know.”  Levi might notice the unease in Eren’s voice if his heart would quiet down, he might notice the broken breaths from the younger man’s chest, but all he can do is feel the cold sweat across his skin.  “I know what I said.”  Dammit.  Fucking dammit.  He should’ve known that it wasn’t going to be enough for Eren, should’ve seen that there’s no way this could work.  “I want to be yours...and for you to be mine."  Levi stands, locating his pants in the dark, slipping on his socks, stumbling toward the door.  "Just promise me you'll think about it."  Eren sits up in the bed, but Levi still can’t see his face as he stands in the doorway.  "I just want it to be you and me."

_ You and me.   _ He huffs down the hallway, thankful for the light in the living room illuminating the rest of his clothes.  Pulling on his shirt and scarf, Levi doesn’t pause at the noise at the door, the jingling of keys as it is opened and Armin walks in with surprise on his tired face.  

“Levi?”  He moves into the apartment, tossing his bag to the floor.  

“Sorry, I have to go.”  Levi slips on his shoes, not looking up at Armin, sure the blonde man can hear his heart pounding in his chest.

“Is everything alright?”  His expression is full of worry, and it should be, because everything is not alright.  If Levi stands here for another second he might turn into a puddle on the floor.

“It’s fine.”  He grabs his coat from the hook Eren hung it on earlier, feeling for his keys, wallet, phone, and pushing out the door.  

“Levi, wait a second.”  Worry.  All anyone ever does is worry.  He turns back to Armin, but doesn’t stop moving, doesn’t stop pulling his jacket over his arms.  “Just hang on a second, please.”  The deep blue of his eyes hold Levi there for a short moment until he looks over Armin’s shoulder to see Eren standing in the doorway of the living room in only his boxers, Eren with that disappointed look on his face, Eren with slumped shoulders and tired eyes, Eren and his expectations.  When Armin turns to look, Levi flees down the stairs, moving quickly as far from the apartment building as possible, heavy breaths turning to little puffs of white in the cold night air.

_ You and me.   _ He moves promptly down the street, shoving his hands in his pockets, swearing under his breath.  

_ “Hey.” _

The voice rings in his ears, rattles in his brain, creeps across his skin.  

_ “Try not to worry.  Please.” _  He smiled on the other end of the line.  Levi didn’t need to see it to know.   _ “This is the right decision.” _

His voice was so sweet then, so soothing, promising to wrap around Levi, committing to console his uncertainties.  Shadowy now, the words that once brought him comfort only send him further into the darkness, send him blinded and running in the opposite direction, running from Eren, running from the promise of another break, the promise of another happiness, another inconsolable pain.

_ “Whatever happens, we can get through it.”  _

His pace quickens on the sidewalk, footsteps thudding hard against the pavement, breath lost to the November air. 

_ “Just you and me, right?”   _


	5. You Startle and Wake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One hour. That’s all he got. One hour of sleep until he felt the cold, red eyes of the clock staring at his back in the otherwise pitch black room. He woke in a cold sweat, startled back into the waking world with a word on his lips, tight between his teeth, tucked beneath his tongue.
> 
> Eren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mentions of childhood abuse. (Marked by ** if you want to skip that part).
> 
> Explicit sex to follow. You have been warned.

**** Stagnant, clear, the liquid goes down with considerable ease, draining from the glass and into Levi’s mouth followed by a disgusted gasp.  One hour.  That’s all he got.  One hour of sleep until he felt the cold, red eyes of the clock staring at his back in the otherwise pitch black room.  He woke in a cold sweat, startled back into the waking world with a word on his lips, tight between his teeth, tucked beneath his tongue.

_ Eren. _

The memories of countless adverse experiences press in the back of his mind, the reminder that alcohol not only doesn't terminate the torment of anxiety but also enhances it. But Levi is inattentive to those thoughts, choosing instead to drink until he can barely remember the word that pushed him from his dreams, to drink until he can barely feel the edges of his body against the blunt outline of reality.

Not that he's felt anything resembling reality in what seems like weeks. He doesn't feel real. Like every thought, every action, has been dictated by some masochistic part of his mind in this nightmarish place. Every memory is hazy at the perimeter, and no matter how unreal it feels, it threatens to bury him. Waking is hardly discernible from dreaming, supported only by the fact that sleep has avoided him for days, or he has avoided it. Those facts are too obscured now. The only thing grounding him here, now, is the aftershock of the daily anxiety that has now manifested itself in an unbearable pressure in his chest and a sharp, stark pain in his shoulders.

Settling into the chair at his desk, he places the glass poured halfway with liquor next to his computer, the bottle fixed just out of reach on the corner of his eye. Something stirs within him, a strange mixture of guilt and excitement, but it only lasts a moment, fleeting away with the tap of his fingers on the keys of his laptop.

Empty. His mind worries over the word again and again until he is sure that's what he feels. He feels empty. And he is surprised at how little he feels beyond that. Now if only he could numb that pressure in his chest a little more, if only he could erase what he's done, or at least erase the thought of the look on Eren's face when he left on Monday night. He tips his head back, glass in hand, and empties the contents, feeling the fire spread out between his insides until it is subdued by his generally icy demeanor.

Trying to swallow back the tightness in his throat, Levi runs his fingers through his hair, cursing himself for not being able to fall back asleep, for stumbling into his feelings about Eren, for drinking. But what other options did he have? There is no one to talk to, no one to turn to, fucking no one, because it's way too late to reach out to Hanji at this hour, and he doesn't want to explain it to her anyway. There's no one because the only person he wants to talk to is the one he so elegantly ran from. He stares blankly at his open laptop, clicking the open tab at the top of his screen, and his eyes trace over the short list of names and conversations. Seeing Eren's name near the bottom of the list makes an invisible force grasp at his neck.

How can he want something that hurts him so deeply? Something that makes him ache with every inch of his body?  The fact that he wants it so badly, wants what he knows will break him, well that's exactly why he tries to stay away, to forget the brightness of Eren's face when his lips turn up into a smile, his general scent of fresh laundry and some indescribable, intoxicating cologne that reminds him of late summer, these are all things that might momentarily slip his mind if he focuses hard enough, but the feeling...fuck.  The feeling is inescapable. There's just something about it, something about  _ him.   _ Something that he never thought he’d experience again.  But it isn't the same, is it?  He wanted to pretend that this is just another fling.  He wanted to pretend that he couldn't feel it...but Eren is different.  Somehow, some fucking way, Eren sets him off, provokes an unusual interest, makes him temporarily forget that he swore off anything resembling a relationship.

Damn, is he clingy. But it isn't Eren that's clingy, no. He has left Levi alone, given him space. But the feeling of the younger man's eyes on his skin, the length of Eren's fingers in his hair, the sweet, honest kisses, all of these things cling to Levi, make him desire the very things he wanted to get away from. And now that he's away...well he wants nothing more than to explain to Eren what's going through his head, to tell him that he wanted to ease into things, but the complete radio silence has lasted three days, and the opportunity to explain has passed, not that he'd really know what to say anyway. Still, he clicks on Eren's name, fingers lingering over the keys without a purpose, eyes tracing over their messages and landing on the little white letters last seen: half hour ago.

He types nothing, explains nothing, just closely examines every inch of that screen wishing he was sound enough to do something about the way he is. But he isn't. He can't. It's funny how little things have changed in the last nine months. Maybe longer than that. Maybe if he thought a little harder, he'd realize that he's been this way for almost a year. That's when things started to fall apart on his end, only punctuated by his complete demolition. And dammit, he's rebuilt himself so many times, he's picked himself back again and again, reworked his attitude over what little foundation he was given, recreated himself, presented himself as new. But not this time. This time something cracked in his core, damaged the infrastructure, made him question everything he's learned up to this point. He was left completely exhausted of all materials, all help, all alone. So fucking exhausted that he can't even lay the groundwork again, that he can't clean up the weakened frame, no matter how much he wants to, no matter how hard he tries to let go...he's just completely drained of everything that makes him Levi, of everything that has gotten him to this point. Sure, he's here, wearing the same clothes, working in great opportunities, but his heart isn't in it. He's not in it. He's not a Levi that his mother would recognize.

So how is he passing for the person he is supposed to be? And just how the hell is he supposed to rebuild his life to be something for Eren if he can't even manage to do that for himself? And just why is that on his mind? Why is Eren always on his mind, always looking at him with those eyes like he sees something more than what's there? Everything leading up to this has set him up for failure here.  He’s losing Eren piece by piece, and every minute that passes marks another smile, another kiss, another touch that won’t ever be wasted on Levi.

Flitting across the screen, something changes that catches his eye. last seen: just now. And just like that, the indifference in Levi's head is pushed away, just like that, he could get exactly what he wants, no matter how much it hurts. No sooner than his heart begins pounding heavily in his chest, the little green dots marking Eren's presence in the conversation pop across the bottom of the screen.

"Shit." His breath catches in his throat as he clicks away from the tab. Maybe it was a mistake, maybe it was an accident, because it's 1:15 in the morning and Eren should be sleeping, hell he should be sleeping. The quiet sound of his phone vibrating across the room matches with the noise the computer makes, and Levi's eyes shoot up to the tab that flashes, _Eren Jaeger says..._ Shaky, drunken fingers fumble to click on the tab, and as Levi realizes this could be the end, this could be Eren reaching his limit, he hesitates to read the short message for a long second.

**_E: You're up late._ **

No snarky comments come to mind. No, 'I could say the same about you.' No work excuses. He just wants to be honest. The old Levi could at least do that much, couldn't he? 

**_L: Can't sleep._ **

**_E: Is everything okay?_ **

Levi blinks. Right now everything seems okay, right now the pressure from his chest has lifted, completely muted by the way his heart thuds in his rib cage, but if he says that, if he's okay, will Eren leave? 

**_L: Bad anxiety._ **

He feels stupid when he hits send, but Eren has caught him in a panic before, stood with him in silence until Levi managed past it. Eren is not other people...he doesn't run, he hasn’t run yet.

**_E: I'm sorry, Levi. Is there anything I can do to help?_ **

The question is genuine, meaningful, but there really isn't anything he can do, is there? The fault lies with Levi, and Levi alone. But maybe there is something Eren can do. If he could just grab a hold of something real, something tangible, maybe he can pull himself back to reality. 

**_L: Ha. Yeah if you can find a way to wear me out._ **

His fingers stumble across the keys and hit send before he's thought it through, before he can remember that he hurt Eren, that he has failed over and over again. 

**_L: Sorry, don't listen to me. I'm drunk._ **

And an idiot. A hopeless fucking idiot.

**_E: Are you at home?_ **

He should say no. He shouldn't let Eren come over here. He shouldn't use Eren's compassion for his own sexual desires. 

_**L: Yes.** _

Who the fuck is he trying to kid anyway? It isn't sex he wants, it's Eren. Eren hovering over top of him, looking into him, tearing away at him until there's nothing left.

**_E: Got any alcohol left?_ **

With a hard swallow he glances toward the bottle beside him. 

**_L: Yes._ **

**_E: Address?_ **

Levi types the address in, reading over it several times to make sure he's got it right in his drunken state, smashing the send key with a nervous energy.

**_E: On my way._ **

In the twenty minutes it takes for Eren to ring the bell, Levi runs around tidying his spotless apartment, making sure everything is perfect before heading to the bathroom mirror to make sure he doesn't look completely horrible. Thick black hair that lays obediently flat against his head only makes the paleness of his skin more apparent, the only color on his face is a blush brought on by the heat of the alcohol. Wondering just how the hell Eren could find such a miserable face even somewhat attractive, the smile that brightens his face when he hears the doorbell is completely lost on him as he presses at the puffy bags under his eyes once more before opening the door. The stark contrasts he saw in the mirror on his own face are nowhere to be found on Eren's. Everything stands out, not a part of him is unspectacular, the deep brown of his hair fading perfectly into the tanned skin of his face, punctuated by dark pink lips and thick expressive eyebrows over shiny green eyes that flutter behind dark eyelashes. The younger man walks in, clothes wrapped closely around his skin, scarf tucked into the hood of his flimsy jacket, bundled away from the cool night air, away from Levi. All he wants is to free Eren from his clothes, rip away that which keeps them at arm’s length, and wrap himself around Eren's body.

"You look like you’re burning up."  Pressing the backs of his fingertips gently to Levi's cheek, the cool length of them spread across Levi's body, making a shutter creep across his skin. Looking up into the energy behind Eren's eyes, Levi feels himself leaning into the pressure of Eren's hand, a hot breath caught in his chest. A quiet smile crosses Eren's lips as both of his palms run flush with Levi's cheeks, cooling his face and pulling him close, fingertips brushing his temples and lacing into his hair. The view in front of him is too much, the longing in Eren's eyes too intoxicating, so he lets his eyes close as the younger man moves closer yet, close enough to erase the past few days.

The first kiss is soft, heavy breaths muting the sound of their lips, almost masking the yearning behind both of their eyes. Almost, because the second kiss is greedy, lips parting, tongues crashing as Eren’s hand slips to the back of Levi's head, sliding down his spine to pull him closer. Almost, because Levi's eager fingers wrap themselves in the fabric of Eren's coat, tugging him in for a third kiss, begging for more, and receiving just that with the smothered heat of Eren's body being pressed roughly against his own.

Just as quickly as they had come together, Eren pulls himself away, replacing the emptiness on Levi's lips with his thumb, eyes flitting between the hunger of Levi's gaze and the hot flick of Levi's tongue on his thumb. A soft groan creeps from Levi's chest as Eren moves further away, dragging the jacket from his shoulders and untying the maroon scarf from his neck. He hangs the garments among Levi's things on the coat rack and slides his shoes next to Levi's on the mat before sneaking past and moving to the light of the kitchen. Levi doesn't move when he hears the clinking of glass or the quiet click of the cupboards, at least not for a long minute as he tries to find his footing, as he tries to figure out just why Eren's clothes seem to belong there, the warm fabric bringing a splash of color amidst all of the grey and black.

Leaned up against the fridge, glass in hand, Eren watches Levi as he crosses the kitchen. "Your apartment is so cozy." Perching himself atop the counter, Levi presses his shoulders to the cabinet behind him. He could almost laugh at the comment, his apartment sure as hell has never been called cozy. It's been called clean, even sterile, but cozy is not how his friends describe it. But right now...right now, Eren seems to light up the whole apartment, right now the smile on his face, the energy behind the green of his eyes, it makes the whole room feel cozy. It makes heat spark in Levi's chest and desire fire up in his gut as Eren smiles from behind his glass, sipping the liquid and trying not to make a sour face at the taste.

Swinging his foot to release the nervous energy from his body, Levi realizes just how cornered he is. Not only is he trapped by his own design, not only did he literally back himself into the corner, he falls under the weight of Eren's gaze from across the room. And maybe that's exactly what he wants. Maybe he wants to be confronted, to be bent to Eren's every will. Maybe he wants to be completely wiped out. And maybe he doesn't care which comes first, the questioning or the complete submission to what Eren wants, as long as he gets both.

Levi watches as Eren's fingertips linger at the edge of the counter top, ready to drown in the heat of his touch, to melt at the pressure of his lips, but Eren stays in his place, despite the intensity that aches from behind his pupils, he waits. His restraint makes Levi squirm as a current of want courses through him, and Levi has all but begged aloud as Eren finally tips the glass back, downing it in its entirety, absently placing its empty form on the counter. When he opens his eyes, a vicious tension radiates from the flexing green. Here it comes. The punishment for his walking out or the reward for his patience.

A long finger grazes the dark pink of Eren's bottom lip, moving the plump flesh and removing the slick wetness, his thumb works around his lip ring around the other side, and Levi can't stop staring. Levi can't even breathe as Eren moves in with that look on his face, the one that says he wants to devour Levi, the one that has Levi wanting nothing more than to be devoured. His expression must say so, because Eren closes the space between them in less than a second, wrapping slender fingers around Levi's waist, tipping his head back to receive Levi's kiss. The older man, not usually in a position to do so, tips Eren's chin, traces his jaw, tangles his fingers in the messy brown hair, pushing into Eren's lips with force, with fever, with uncertainty. He toys with the strands between his fingers as Eren reaches up to leave sloppy kisses around Levi's neck, tugging his shirt down to reach the white skin of his collar bones.

Every kiss is perfect in its own right. Each with the power to dissolve Levi into a wearied version of himself, one that lets moans slip carelessly from his lips, one that is pliable, compliant, caring. Caring. The word sticks at the forefront of his mind. Because if he is really caring he wouldn't be taking so much pleasure in Eren dropping everything to come over here. If he's really caring he wouldn't be wrapping his legs around the younger man's chest, or groaning at each scrape of teeth against his skin.

He can hardly believe himself when he says Eren's name, catching the man's attention. He can hardly believe that he's going to stop the momentum, douse the flames between them, but he's made mistake after mistake with Eren, failed again and again to do something right, and despite how dizzy his head is, despite how fucking hard he is, he whispers. "Wait."

And Eren pauses his kisses, breaths heaving at the skin of Levi's chest as he rests his forehead on Levi's shoulder.

Unwrapping his legs, Levi feels himself crumbling, feeling how easy it could be to just fall away from Eren, from happiness, back into his absent ways. His voice is so choked, so full of apprehension. "You don't want to talk?"

Fists tightening with the fabric of Levi's shirt, Eren lets out another heavy breath, the warmth fading to a damp chill on Levi’s clothes, making him shiver. "About what?"

"Us." He blurts it out, biting his lip, repeating the word in his head. Us. Like there is anything resembling an 'us' between them. Like there's something more than sex and undisclosed feelings and confusion.

"That's not why I came over." Eren lifts his head from Levi's shoulder, a hard silence between the two as Eren moves to try and catch Levi's eye. But Levi glares down at the space that has opened up between their bodies. He's off the hook. Not held accountable for his stupidity or the complete loss over his composure. Finally pulling his eyes up to meet Eren's gaze, he can feel the hot blush on his face, but that's it. Everything else is mush and unexpected and he's not entirely sure he isn't dreaming after all. "Unless you want to talk?"

"No." Shaking his head, he reaches out to Eren, wrapping his fingers in the strings of his pullover, something tangible, something real, wishing he were closer, wishing for no space between them at all.

"Then let's just drop it, okay?" Eren steps closer, his heat radiating back between Levi's knees, his touch breathing a little bit of life back into the man's stunned form. He wants to feel the relief flooding into his body, the alleviation of the pressure in his chest, but he gets nothing. He feels nothing but loss as he squeezes the strings beneath his fist. The chance is gone. The opportunity...gone. "Levi." Drawing his blank stare back to Eren's eyes, he finds a smile on the younger man's face as he shakes his head. "My offer still stands. But I'm not going to push you on it."

A sigh forces its way out of Levi, making him realize that he hasn't been breathing at all, and his heart pounds heavy in his chest, dizzying his form. Eren is giving him space, giving him time, giving him exactly what he wanted for the past few days. But right now...dammit, right now all he wants is to breach the space between them, to feel the way time passes beneath the weight of Eren's skin, to lose himself to whatever this fragmented reality will allow him.

Warm, firm, Eren's left hand joins Levi's on his chest, making him release the pressure of his hold on the collar of Eren's shirt. Simultaneously, the other hand slides up Levi's thigh, making the muscles beneath jerk in surprise. "No wonder you can't sleep. You're so tense." Every muscle aches for Eren, throbs for his attention, clenches with an almost unbearable ferocity. He never thought he'd be so rigid in Eren's arms, never thought he'd be this way under the concentration of Eren's eyes. The hand gently moves his head, warmth spreading through his jawbone, then sinking deep beneath his exterior, soaking in through the grey-blue of his eyes as Eren looks into him, a hint of hurt in his words. "This isn't because of me, is it?"

With a shake of his head Levi dismisses the pause behind Eren’s movements as well as erases his previous thought.  Because, yes, Eren’s presence puts a tremendous stress on Levi’s body.  The very mention of his name makes Levi sweat.  Just the thought of him, fuck, it has Levi turned into an anxious mess.  A groaning, satisfied mess.  It’s like his body feigned all the symptoms, faked all the tension, forged all the pain just to get him to seek out Eren’s touch, the breath on his neck, the kisses on his skin.  If only he didn’t get so drunk.  Then maybe the edges of his body wouldn’t be so fuzzy.  Maybe then the corners of his consciousness wouldn’t be so listless.  But as Eren creeps closer, the pressure of his hands lurking on Levi’s thighs, dancing over the thin fabric of his pajamas, wrapping around his waist, Levi thanks the rum for making the flesh beneath his skin so bubbly, for heightening his senses, and for making every little touch, every graze, feel like pleasure.

And Eren’s voice, the vibrations of his chest, the brush of his lips against Levi’s neck, the timber of his tone when it hits Levi’s ear, it all makes a wave of shivers cross the man’s entire body.  “You want me to take care of it for you?”  

“Please.”  Levi tips his head back against the cupboard behind him.  Disbelief would stun him, surprised at his own mouth begging for it, but Eren’s fingers slip beneath his shirt, teasing his skin, making him want more, more until there’s nothing left to take. 

At once, Eren’s hands are tracing up Levi’s abdomen and his lips are hot against Levi’s ear.  “Let me take care of you.” 

“Please.”  His tongue betrays his composure again, daring to bury him in his own desire.  “Anything you want.”  

“Good.”  Pulling away, the fever behind Eren’s eyes brings a heavy energy between them, making Levi pant as Eren exits the kitchen, treading softly down the hallway.

 

“You little shit.” Levi whispers under his breath, tossing himself from the counter and following the sound of water into the bathroom with a smirk on his face.  “What are you doing?”  He pads in to find Eren sitting perched on the edge of the tub, fingers catching the running water.  Pulse quickening, Levi can feel every bit of blood moving through his body, the memories of agony resting just beneath the surface of his consciousness.  It’s been so long.  So long since he’s heard that familiar sound grace his ears, and here it is again.  In his apartment.  

But this time is different.  This time he’s too fired up to realize what he’s getting into.  This time he’s numbed by desire, numbed by alcohol, numbed by the light that is Eren Jaeger.  This time it’s Eren standing on the cool, white tile, approaching him, picking up where he left off, pulling him close.  This time it’s Eren doing the convincing.  And Levi is breathless, speechless, completely caught off guard as Eren persuades him.

“Don’t worry.”  

His lips grace Levi’s with an incredible fire, working into him with a hidden pressure, trailing down his jaw.  

“I’m going to do exactly what I came here to do.”  

The warmth of fingertips grazing his skin makes Levi shiver as Eren slips beneath the hem of his shirt, pulling it over his head, kissing the junction of his neck and shoulder.

“I’m going to wear you out.”  

Then fingers are pressing into his skin, pressing little red fingerprints into the pasty white, grazing up to his overly sensitive nipples.  And the kisses don’t stop, sloppy and wet against Levi’s shoulder.

“Wear you down.”  

Tipping his head to the side, receiving a trail of marks up the side of his neck, a soft whimper emanates from Levi’s chest as the hands trace back down, down, down to the string tied in a bow around his hips, dropping the black pajamas to the floor. 

“Drain you completely.”

Lips just beneath Levi’s ear, he swears there’s a growl held back behind Eren’s teeth as his cock is released into the cool air of the bathroom and he is left completely naked before the famine behind Eren’s eyes.

“But first, you’re going to get into this tub.”

Too far gone to argue, too intrigued to resist, Levi steps away from his clothes, risking another look into that violent green, the eyes that have weakened him beyond any return.  Before he has the chance to turn away, Eren’s hands encapsulate his face, kiss smothering his lips, fevered and needy and voracious.  He leaves Levi craving more, one more kiss, one more flick of his tongue, but he moves away, dragging the pullover over his head, tossing it to the floor and coming back in for another kiss, delving his tongue into the warmth of Levi’s mouth, teasing him again and again, making a groan shake his chest.

Satisfied by the lust he finds behind Levi’s eyes, Eren nods to the tub, and Levi watches Eren eyeing him as he moves across the bathroom, turning off the water and climbing into the hot, sudsy water.  Settling into the depths of the claw-foot tub, the water rises just below the tops of his shoulders. 

**   
Letting out a heavy breath, Levi barely realizes what he’s done with no preparation at all, no fussing, no fear.  It’s a weird feeling.  One that he never thought he’d get to in his lifetime.  But here he is.  From the top of the water, he can see between the bubbles on the surface down to the bottom of the tub.  He wonders if that’s what it looked like on the outside as he struggled from beneath.  It crosses his mind in such a matter-of-fact way, one that doesn’t have him worked up, he just tips his head to the side, looking at his palms beneath the water.  He hasn’t thought about it in so long, the weight of the heavy hands on his shoulders, the bubbles floating up from his mouth, open with a muffled scream, the edges of his consciousness going fuzzy, almost letting him go before the weight is lifted from his shoulders and he is dragged from the water by his soaking wet shirt.  It doesn’t hurt like it used to, not after discussing it in depth again, and again, and again, not after exploring every possible detail, no, the power had been taken away a long time ago.  The power had been taken away because that still wasn’t the worst thing that happened that year.  Still, he reaches for the edge of the tub, wrapping his fingers around the cool, white material, looking for purchase in reality, doing exactly what he’s been taught, and turning away from the dark features of the face responsible.  He has no power.  Kenny has no power.    
**

The water ripples, blurring the view of the bottom.  That is real.  A body moves into the opposite side of the tub.  That is also real.  When Levi looks up he half expects to see the dirty blonde mop of hair that he saw the last time he thought about his uncle, the last time he was coerced into a bathtub.  But the eyes that look back at him are not the passive, scaly, blue that blinked beneath light eyebrows, no, they’re the energetic, rippled, green looking back at him with pronounced enthusiasm.  Blinking, Levi erases the pictures from his past, leaning back against the tub, relaxing a little into the hot water, once again thanking the rum for deadening the feelings of everything besides the man across from him.

“You okay?”  Those heavy green eyes blink at him, flashing a second of concern before Levi nods, feeling the light touch of Eren’s legs against his.  It’s Eren.  It’s been only Eren for almost three months.  In the back of his thoughts, sitting next to him every week, brushing up against him in the hallway, hinting and watching and wanting.  

Moving with ease beneath the water, Levi crawls over to Eren, into the fire behind his gaze, climbing over his legs, pausing only to look at the expression on the younger man’s face before taking it into his hands and leaning down to kiss him.  Uncharacteristically soft, slow, their tongues meld together as Eren’s hands explore Levi’s body beneath the water, every inch of his skin moved to goosebumps.  The thought of green doesn’t slip from Levi’s mind as he closes his eyes, grabbing at the plump flesh of Eren’s lip with his teeth, feeling the metal of the lip ring between his lips.  Dragging his fingers up Levi’s back, the man releases Eren’s mouth to bend with the motion, a short gasp caught in his throat followed by heavy breaths.  Gazing at him as he moves back into the warmth of the water, soothing the chill on his shoulders, Eren’s eyes are so alive, almost sparkling against the light reflected from the tub.  

His wrist is caught by Eren’s hand, and he moves gently to where Eren moves him, turning his back to the younger man and being immediately rewarded by strong fingers running against his skin.  They move with ease, working circles into every inch of his back, crawling up either side of his spine.  Leaning forward a little more with each rotation of Eren’s thumbs, Levi sighs ripples onto the surface of the water, feeling the tension being lifted from his muscles.  It’s funny.  Farlan was the one that promised to wipe all of those nasty memories away, but Eren seems to be the only one doing the work, not even realizing that he’s erasing traumas that are all but forgotten by relentlessly rubbing the knotted stiffness from Levi’s shoulders, and in the tub that Farlan insisted on, no less.  

Thoroughly worked over, Levi turns back toward Eren, absently running his fingers along Eren’s knees, tracing every line of Eren’s body beneath the water, thanking the bubbles for popping to stay out of his view.  Perfect.  Every part of him is perfect, right down to the tan line on his legs, the dark hair around his belly button, and the barely noticeable scars on his forearms.  And that smile...fuck, how had he not noticed the single dimple on his left cheek, or the spotty freckles on his nose?  Levi bites his lip, drawing his eyes over every inch, every junction, until their eyes meet, making a breath catch in Levi’s chest.  “Why do you look at me like that?”

Tipping his head to the side, eyelids hanging low over his eyes, Eren smirks.  “You really have no idea how sexy you are, do you?”  Levi has no answer, just lets his lips hang open as Eren moves, pushing his back to the side of the tub, hands at the crook of his knees, bending him into himself.  Chest heaving, Eren looks down into Levi with a fierce want, and all Levi can do is reach between them, wrapping both of his hands around Eren’s rigid cock, gasping as a wave of unreceived desires washes over him.

“I need you.”  He pants, working Eren’s cock, closing his eyes and tipping his head back.  “Now.”  It’s all he can do to not whine as Eren moves away from him, teeth clenched, another moment of profound restraint.  But Levi doesn’t want him to hold back, doesn’t want to wait, because he’s wasted in more ways that one.  He’s physically and emotionally exhausted and still drunk, but hell if he isn’t going to go for broke tonight.  He’ll beg to be completely dismantled if that’s what he has to do.

But Eren won’t make him beg.  He will make him wait just a little bit longer, just as long as it takes for them to dry off and move to the bed.  They move quickly, saying nothing, wishing they had left at least a few drops of water to be licked off of their flushed skin.  Levi sighs heavily as Eren picks him up, their bare skin sticking as he walks, keeping his bearings with a hand on the bedroom door frame, finally walking next to the side of the bed and dropping Levi just below the pillows, legs hanging against the bedframe.  And they’re back here, drunk in Levi’s bed, fumbling for pleasure with Levi laid out beneath Eren’s weight.  Only the light from the hallway illuminates Eren’s form as he bends over Levi again and again, placing sloppy kisses all over his chest, barely containing his choppy breaths as he reaches into the drawer beside him, throwing unnecessary items to the floor until he pulls out the what he’s looking for.  

In no time at all, Levi’s right leg is pressed to his chest and Eren has three fingers stretched inside him.  Somehow, Eren’s composure hasn’t wavered, he leans down toward Levi’s face, moving and thrusting and curving his fingers just right-  “Ah!”  Levi’s back arches against the mattress, his body lurching to get Eren to do it again, and he does so without prompting, without the need for convincing, without fail.

“How do you feel?”  Levi runs his fingers into his hair, managing only a groan in response as Eren rubs a pulsing pressure into that spot over and over.  “Relaxed?”  

"Er-ah! Eren..."  His name drains from Levi's lips in a long, creaked moan.  It fills the air between them as he bucks his body into Eren's hand.

"Hmmm."  Holding him down, not letting him move, Eren pushes a little harder, a little quicker, reveling in the heavy moans slipping from Levi with every brush of his fingers.  "I almost forgot how noisy you are when you've been drinking."  He punctuates his words with a precise tension in his fingers, sending a shiver up Levi's spine, forcing a bend in his back to press his shoulders into the bed.

Face and chest flushing with heat, Levi's body writhes perfectly on display in the splay of light from the doorway.  He turns his head, pressing the back of his hand to his clumsy lips, muffling the soft moans still creeping from deep in his chest.  "Nnnn."  Clenching his fist, pushing harder on his mouth, Levi squirms under Eren's touch, basking in the attention and finding it entirely impossible to control his permissive mouth. "Oh..." 

Learned touches break down every barrier of Levi's remaining stability as he bends to Eren's touch, sculpting his body into the ideal form.  

"It's so good to hear your voice."  

The younger man lets Levi's knee fall a little from his chest, moving it to the side, and Levi is spread out beneath him.  

"Like this."  

Persistent, trained in reading beneath every inch of Levi’s shuttering skin, Eren changes his movements, slowing his strokes to send Levi closer to collapse, teetering at the edge of an intangible pleasure.

“You usually hold back so much…”  

But not anymore.  Because Eren knows exactly what to do, knows that the sound of his voice against Levi’s ears sends him reeling, knows that the determined pressure of his fingers will be the end of Levi’s patience, knows that Levi is fighting a losing battle with his endurance.

“But not here...”

Levi resigns himself to this fact, because being stubborn isn’t going to get him anywhere, and honestly, there’s nothing he wants more than to indulge in the intensity behind Eren’s kiss, to get wrapped up in the surreal sensitivity of this moment, to be eaten up by those eyes…  And fuck, the swelling energy behind Eren’s eyes dares to enrapture Levi’s every sense, encapture his every thought, entomb him in nothing but heat and complete gratification.  Forcing his eyes shut, looking away from the searing green, he tries to hold on, one more second, one more thrust, one more.  

"Like it's only for me."  

He can feel every fucking movement, every inch of Eren’s fingers, wanting more, wanting everything.  “Eren…”  It’s barely a whimper, barely a sound as his body gives in, his untouched cock releasing hot white over his stomach and chest.  Any tension left in his muscles falls from him as his form sinks into the mattress, a long groan creeping from behind clenched teeth.  Moments pass as Eren moves around him, making noises from the bedside table, and Levi grows more impatient with himself, huffing a heavy breath into the air as he runs his fingers along the sheets, feeling the cool material beneath his flushed body.  

The attention of a damp cloth against his skin makes him startle, and he blinks into the room now lit by the lamp behind him as Eren tosses the cloth to the hamper.  “You’re not falling asleep on me now, are you?”  In one swift motion, Eren is bent over Levi, wrapped by Levi’s legs around his hips, the full rigid length of his cock pressed against Levi’s ass.  

Flooding his face with the hot flush of blood, Levi glares up at the smirk on Eren’s face, squirming to take control of those fucking lips, to pull that damn ring between his teeth.  “You’re not getting out of it that easy.”  

Eren leans closer, looking like he’s going to give Levi what he wants, like he’s going to allow him the pleasure as soon as Levi demands it.  Instead he nudges Levi’s chin, turning the man’s head, and sweeping his tongue all the way up Levi’s jawline, letting his lip ring brush against the sensitive skin of Levi’s ear.  “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

Despite just being brought to cum by Eren’s diligent hand, Levi shudders beneath the heat of Eren’s voice in his ear, ready to submit himself to the growl in the younger man’s chest, the one that has Levi’s hair standing on the back of his neck, the one that has every muscle begging for attention, the one that has his already spent cock stiffening against his abdomen.  How he still wants more after that, after Eren worked over his entire body, well Levi doesn’t know.  He doesn’t question the hunger that still aches inside him, or the lust coursing through every inch of him, he just begs under his breath, hoping Eren will indulge in his unprecedented desire, that he will be merciful in his commitment tonight.  Because all Levi wants is for Eren to break him completely, to fuck him until he’s screaming and sore, until he is wiped entirely from reality, hoping his body will be forgiving in the morning.

A breath shakes from Eren’s chest, quivering against Levi’s skin, and Levi’s silent begging slips from his heated lips, falling heavily in the quiet room.  “I want you.”  His fingers slip along Eren’s sides, pressing fingerprints into the plush skin as Eren’s lips press weighty and wet against Levi’s neck.  “I need it.”  Then teeth graze his collarbone and the heavy growl makes Levi’s skin crawl.  It’s all he can do to not outwardly beg Eren to tear into him, to work him over, to bruise and nip at every inch of the flesh he worked so hard to ease.  

Tolerance waning, Levi groans as Eren lifts his upper body, leaning back, taking in the sniveling mess of a man beneath him as his fingers trail down between them.  Eren’s eyes still read patient, kind, controlled, but something unmistakable lurks beneath the dark contrast of his flexing irises as he scans the blushing skin of Levi’s chest.  One instant, that’s all it takes, just one blink of his thick eyelashes and the unwieldy intensity behind that hungry green spills from Eren.  Maybe he should feel fear, but Levi’s responsiveness is lacking, his senses heightened, thoughts inhibited.  Maybe he should be afraid, but Eren still pauses a moment, slick cock pressing right at Levi’s entrance, a question forming on the tip of his tongue.

Running his hands further down Eren’s sides, Levi turns his fingers in, blunt nails carving lines up Eren’s abdomen.  “Please.”  He begs before Eren can ask if he’s ready.  He might not be sober, or sound, but if there’s one thing he is, it’s ready.  Eren is all he’s wanted the past three days, all he’s wanted since he left Eren’s apartment, all he’s wanted since those green eyes walked through door.  He’s about to say more, to plead with Eren to fill the void he left, to fulfill the need that twinges in his chest, but at the first whisper of Levi’s permission he presses himself slowly into the man, urging a grateful moan from Levi’s lips.  A breathy shiver marks the bend of Levi’s back as the remaining inches are thrust into him, head tipped back and eyes closed as he savors every second, reveling in the heat of Eren’s hips as the skin touches flush with his ass.

The hurry is gone from Levi’s mind as he relaxes into the softness of the sheets because there is no rush behind Eren’s movements, just a quiet hum in his chest and a power behind his hips.  Propped up with his fingers splayed out on either side of Levi's waist, the weight pressing divots into the mattress, Eren wastes no time finding a rhythm, no time on meaningless movements, making every turn of his hips count as he slams into Levi, coaxing broken moans from his chest with every thrust.  Looking up from behind the mess of brown hair sticking dark against his forehead, something savage prowls behind lush green, an untamed fire that will surely prove to be the end of Levi if it isn’t put out.  But Levi wants nothing to do with dousing the flames, no, he wants them to swallow him whole, to lick at the chill of his skin, to envelop him in unbearable heat.  Eren knows this.  Levi can feel the way Eren reads it from his flushed body, pulling it from behind dark eyes, understanding exactly what he wants from incomprehensible groans.  

Eren’s only answer is a hard hold on his bottom lip punctuating a firm thrust of his hips, one that shoots a wave of pleasure through his whole body.  His hands clench fists around the sheets at Levi’s sides, teasing goosebumps onto the man’s skin, flooding him with an unprecedented urgency.  Lacing his fingers up into the mess of Eren’s hair, he pulls gently on the strands, dragging Eren down, needing the weight of Eren’s lips to anchor him here.  But Eren doesn’t let it interrupt his tempo, no.  If anything, the kiss fuels him, makes him position himself on his knees, makes him wrap his fingers into Levi’s hair, curling around the back of his head to push deeper, fuller, longer.  Like he has all the time in the world. Like daylight isn't fast approaching.  Like he’s here only to give Levi everything he wants.  And Levi gives in, barely breathing in the heat of Eren’s touch.  He wants to lose himself to the motion of Eren rocking into him, writhing against him, working through him, to lose himself in the way Eren’s mouth buries his lips, the way Eren’s tongue dashes against his.  He wants to crumble beneath Eren’s drive, break beneath his fingertips, and breathe as his light brings him back to life.

Straightening, Eren grabs Levi by the hips, pulling him closer, propping him against the slope of his thighs, and plunging into him without a second’s hesitation.  The motion has Levi immediately forgetting the emptiness of his swollen lips as the space is replaced with a string of obscenities that would make his sober self beet-red, but those too are replaced by unintelligible syllables as Eren repeatedly grinds into him.  Clenched tightly around Levi’s thighs, holding the man’s legs against his chest, Eren has effectively bent Levi in ways he’s never been bent before, back arched, knees up, arms tucked under him to hold himself steady on Eren’s legs.  He can feel every breath that heaves from Eren’s chest, feel the spark of Eren’s touch on his skin, feel the way his shoulders press into the mattress, the way Eren uses everything around him to make Levi fall apart.  “Ha-harder!”  He can barely manage the greedy word that slips from his lips, but his request is immediately fulfilled as Eren throws his weight into each push forward, sweat dripping from his forehead as he slams into Levi’s prostate with an unrelenting pressure, again and again, slow, steady, determined.  

Broken breaths fall from Eren’s lips, the tight, dark pink hanging heavily open as he shivers against Levi, wrapping the man’s legs around him, moving carefully not to cease his movements.  Levi does all he can to hold tight around Eren’s body as the younger man’s hands skim up the smooth skin of his chest, one hand teasing the tight, sensitive skin of his nipple, the other grasping tight around his cock.  “Ah...fuck!”  Levi can feel himself hanging at the edge of the end, crying out into the air of his bedroom as Eren slams into him, working his cock in time with his movements.  His body responds almost immediately, gasping out with the electricity from his last orgasm still dancing on his skin.  “Fuck!”  But that was nothing compared to this, nothing compared to the feeling of Eren pressed tight against his body, writhing and working and wanting nothing more than to wear him down to nothing.  His cock throbs under the pressure of Eren’s hand, spreading every last drop of cum he had against his body.

Staggering, Levi’s limbs fall slack as Eren leans forward, still thrusting into him in an unhinged rhythm, chasing him into complete satisfaction.  Running his hands up the sides of Levi’s chest, Eren’s palms completely encompass Levi’s clenched fists, their fingers running together, wrapping tightly as he sinks his teeth deep into the flesh of Levi’s shoulder, moaning into his skin.  Every drive into Levi brings Eren closer, and Levi basks in every second of the intense light.  “Let me see you.”

Eren pulls back, holding himself up on his elbows, breath hitching as his gaze falls deep into Levi’s, a hot blush stretching across the younger man’s cheeks as he shudders.  “Levi.”  And he plunges his tongue into Levi’s mouth, letting the older man turn his head and lead the kiss as he stops his movement, sluggishly collapsing into Levi’s arms.  “You’re incredible.”

Fingers trailing into the sweaty strands of brown hair, Levi rubs at the back of Eren’s head, stomach fluttering as Eren moves his head into Levi’s touch.  His other hand wraps over Eren’s shoulder as he runs his fingertips along the muscles of Eren’s back, feeling how they give way to his spine.  The younger man breathes heavily into Levi’s neck, face hidden from the light as Levi swirls goosebumps onto his tanned skin.  Recognition flows into Levi’s consciousness, reality flooding his body, and his hands go completely still.  Eren is his escape, his freedom from the real world.  A little hum vibrates Eren’s chest as Levi returns to rubbing fingerprints into his skin.  He is also Levi’s connection to the real world, the safety line from his past, the protection from his own mind.  

Moving first, Eren pulls off of Levi, disappearing into the hallway.  Pulling his aching body from the bed, Levi meets Eren in the bathroom, turning the shower on high and stepping in as soon as he sees the steam rising from the water, rinsing quickly with shaky fingers as Eren joins him.  Towel wrapped around his waist, Levi stands before the mirror brushing his teeth, dark hair slicked back against his head with water.  He holds himself up against the countertop, elbows daring to give out on him.  He’s not ready.  The words repeat in his head again and again, reminding him just how unprepared he is for this.  And it doesn’t matter that Eren said he wouldn’t push it, it doesn’t matter that Eren is giving him time.  There isn’t enough time in the world to prepare Levi.  There isn’t enough time.

But if he waits too long, Eren will move on.  And Eren  _ will _ move on.  He’s a walking ray of light, a smiling, cheerful, incredibly attractive young man who can catch anyone he wants.  Anyone but Levi.  Levi and his broken past, his shattered confidence.  He digs through the drawer of the counter, blinking away the itchiness in his eyes.  If he can keep Eren around just a little bit longer, just a little bit, that would be enough.  Eren joins him at the counter, watching Levi through the mirror as the older man pulls a packaged toothbrush from the drawer and slides it onto the counter.  He looks at Eren through the mirror, mind running through a thousand things to say, but his lips work on their own.  “Stay with me.”  His heart beats heavily in his chest as a tired smile crosses Eren’s lips, nodding as he grabs the toothbrush.

Padding to his room, Levi pulls on pajamas and crawls into bed.  He never thought it would hurt this badly, never thought he would ever want someone like this again.  Eren climbs into bed with him, turning out the lights and spreading out beneath the covers.  Wanting him isn’t half as bad as wanting him and knowing that he is unattainable, isn’t half as bad as knowing that actually  _ being _ with Levi would kill Eren.  Clenching his fist around the blanket, Levi bites his tongue.  He wants Eren, needs him, despite promising himself that he’d never do this again.  But he’s learned from his mistakes, somehow.  He’s learned that he is no match for relationships.  He’s no match for people.  He is a black hole, completely draining the energy from everyone around him, and he can’t watch himself do that to someone again.  Because nobody has enough to satiate Levi’s neediness.  And even if Eren does, Levi doesn’t want to see Eren completely drained of himself.  He can’t run with a full heart into this.  He can’t.  But hell does he want to.  He wants to indulge in everything Eren has to offer.  He wants to go out and stay in and do literally anything with Eren.  But the cost is too high.  Levi would rather die alone than see the light behind Eren’s eyes fade because of him.  

Eren is quiet for a few moments, setting into a slow rhythm of breathing, and Levi is indescribably alone in his thoughts.  “Hey.”  His voice is a dull whisper as he rolls over, coming within inches of Levi’s body, thumb rubbing Levi’s cheek as he wraps his fingers into Levi’s hairline.  His lips brush Levi’s, the soft heat sending a shiver over Levi’s entire body.  “If you ever have trouble sleeping again, just call me.”  And he presses his lips to Levi’s again, heavier, fraught with something Levi recognizes but can’t name.  Then his tongue slips in, tangling lazily, lacing Levi with heat, and suddenly he remembers what it’s like to be warm, comforting, and Levi pushes, laying Eren out on his back, crawling on top of him, painting him with kisses, coaxing a hearty laugh from the younger man before he speaks.  “If we’re gonna go again we might as well do it in the shower so we don’t have to clean up again.”  

Levi snorts as a genuine smile creeps across his lips and he leans down to kiss Eren again.  “Not tonight.”  And he rolls off of the younger man, falling deep into the pillow and blushing as Eren wraps his body around Levi, covering him in warmth, in fever, in energy.  Dammit.  Dammit, dammit.  A dizzy feeling floods every inch of Levi’s body, a floaty, fuzzy carelessness that makes him sink into Eren’s embrace, leaning his back into Eren's naked chest. Every excuse, he wipes away every damn excuse.  But what else could he expect?  How could he really drain someone with as much energy as the sun?  Or maybe, just  _ maybe _ , he isn’t a black hole after all…  maybe his failure with Farlan was setting him up for something better here.  Or maybe it was never his fault after all.  Maybe Eren is erasing all the learning of the past few months.  Maybe Eren is rewriting his past, awakening atrophied muscles, prompting words from his anxious tongue.

Eren’s body jerks a little as his muscles relax and he finally drifts off to sleep, but his arms are still wrapped tightly around Levi, his breath still teasing the pale skin of Levi's neck, his energy encircling Levi's every nerve ending, seeping deep into his core.

It takes everything he has not to run straight into that light, to not give away the few pieces he has left of himself.  He needs more time.  More moments like this.  More.  That's all he has to offer.  But there is no guarantee that Eren will wait, no promise of his time.

“Please.”  His whisper is so cold in the dark room, falling on deaf ears, but he says it anyway, desperate, broken.  “Wait for me.”


	6. Another Night Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time last year Levi was dreaming of starting his life with another man, aching over missing blue eyes. This time last year, Levi froze over with the early snowfall, found himself cold to the touch as the ground stiffened, felt permafrost setting in his veins.

The emptiness is so familiar. The lack in the space next to him is so routine. He's grown so accustomed to the bareness of the other side of the bed, the immense blankness of the other pillow devoid of a head heavy with sleep. He doesn't have to open his eyes to know that Eren is gone. Eren has left him. And though the air of the room brings a chill to Levi's bare skin as he pulls the blanket tight around him, the mattress is still warm with the heat of Eren's skin, the sheets are still crumpled from Eren's tossing and turning, and the cushion beneath the pillow case still smells of the younger man's shampoo. Levi rolls into that unoccupied space, biting the inside of his cheek. He is alone. The word aches through him, the feeling of it so fucking frequent at this point that it's become habitual, but this feels different, heavier. This is so clear, so obvious, that it hollows him out, the loneliness carving at the edges of his insides. Lonely. It rings in his head, stinging with a sharp intake of breath to his chest.

If only it were all a dream. The drinking, the feeling of Eren's hands on every inch of his body, the words he whispered into the dark, all of it. And he might believe it to be a dream, but the throbbing of his head against the pillow tells him otherwise. The soreness that spreads over every muscle, every joint, demands that he take this as reality, grounding him here in this harsh, stark emptiness. Light forcing pressure against his unprepared eyes, he sits up, gazing around the bedroom, clenching the blankets in his fists. He squeezes until it hurts, holding his breath until his body forces the air from his lungs.

How fucking dare he get upset. How could he be so presumptuous to think that Eren would just be there for him after he has repeatedly pushed him away? How could he be so shameless in asking for Eren to swallow his feelings just to appease him? How could he be so  _ arrogant _ to think that he could have all of Eren without also giving up some of himself?

Now he has nothing to show for it but an empty bed and a silent apartment. Nothing but a heavy chest and a soft jump as a quiet noise comes from the hall. Voice charged with need, falling from his lips sooner than he can finish his thought, Levi calls out. "Eren?"

Treading in on soft steps, the younger man flops face down onto the bed, landing gently in Levi's abandoned pillow. He turns to his side, the hair on his head sticking up every which way in little brown spikes, impressions of folds in the blanket gracing his cheek and bare shoulder with faint lines, and despite all this, he looks way too attractive for someone waking up before the sun has actually reached over the horizon. Even his eyes, still heavy with sleep, manage to reach out with an unbearable energy, pulling Levi back into bed, taunting him to lie down, to return to the safety of the bed as a slow smile creeps across the dark pink of Eren's lips.

His heart thuds heavy in his chest as he is embraced by the mattress, turning to the warmth of Eren's gaze and covering the younger man's body with the blanket. "I thought you left." The words are groggy, listless, but they hold much more weight than Levi can bare, so he reaches his hand to touch the crook of Eren's arm, fingers shaking against the flushed skin.  What the hell is happening to him?  Just what the  _ hell  _ does he think he’s doing?  He means to pull his hand away, but the sheer magnetism of Eren’s skin keeps him from slipping away.

Gaze trapping Levi's hand in place, Eren's eyes follow the junction between them and up Levi's arm with a hard swallow. "You asked me to stay." His voice betrays him, cracking in the morning air, the only part of him that hasn't woken up, and a blush spreads across his cheeks. "Well actually you told me to stay."

Letting his hand fall, Levi returns it to the space beneath the blanket. Of course. He did tell him to stay. Just another moment of Levi's overbearing whims, just another instance of his selfish agenda to keep Eren close, out of someone else's arms, out of someone else's bed. He can't make eye contact with the younger man, doesn't dare, just sinks farther away. "I didn't mean it like that..." He can almost feel himself giving up, entwining fingers with the darkness that is wrapped so tightly around him, the hurt that is entangled in his every nerve. It would be so easy to just leave the light forever, to promise to himself not to make it fade, wouldn't it? Because if Eren gets his way, if Eren wins, mixes his light with Levi's all consuming darkness, well there won't be much left of either of them.

"I know." Eren wraps his body around Levi, the weight of his arms pulling the man close, the heat of his chest gracing Levi's face with warmth. Somehow he finds himself reaching out to that light, feels it grasping at him, grounding him, anchoring him as Eren's chest vibrates when he speaks. "I'm here." He's here. He's fucking  _ here _ in Levi's bed, begging for attention, giving himself away, and all Levi can do is lean into the comfort of Eren's touch, give in to the shelter of his arms.   "Do you work today?"

Levi nods his head, feeling the younger man's fingers lace into the short stubble of the hair above his neck. "I'm supposed to be in at eight."

An almost indiscernible whine rings in Eren's chest. "I have to open the writing center today." Pulling away from the embrace, Eren peeks at the clock behind Levi's head before falling back into the pillow. "Two hours." Shiver creeping across his body, Levi can feel the weight of Eren's gaze as he takes in every detail of the older man's face with a pleasant smile on his lips. "That's not really long enough to do anything."

"Anything?" Levi looks up, meeting Eren's eyes, with heavy lids and a raised eyebrow.

"I meant breakfast." A laugh shudders his chest, but he still slides his body over Levi, pinning him to the mattress, lips teasing the junction of Levi's collar bones. "Not that I wouldn't love spending the whole day in bed with you." The words dance across Levi's skin, the weight of Eren's lips burying him deeper and deeper into the bed with every kiss.

The thought is enough to make Levi quiver, he tries to stifle the quiet whimper sneaking from his throat. "That sounds amazing…”  Perfect, actually, to be doted on by Eren’s touch, to be bent every which way, to experience each overwhelming sensation of Eren’s lips on every part of his body, to explore Eren, to find exactly what makes him tick.  But fuck, it would be torture too, because every second that he finds himself looking into Eren, those green eyes are looking back into him, sifting through shadowed memories, tugging at things better left covered, unacknowledged, things better left locked far away from the surface, and shining his light on them.  Torture, precise, comforting, pleasurable torture that Levi can’t resist signing up for.  Honestly, he’ll take anything as long as it’s Eren.  

Answering with a tight hold on Levi's wrists, holding them above the man's head, Eren breathes against Levi’s neck, the soft skin giving way to goosebumps.  "Too bad we don't have time for this either." He nuzzles his face against Levi's, groaning a little, lips teasing the line of his jaw. "Not to do it properly, anyway." Teeth graze the soft skin of Levi's neck, sharp and striking against the warm, wet caress of Eren's lips. Time. It all comes down to time. Levi wishes he could make time to fall into the draw of Eren's touch, or maybe just stop time altogether, to give in to the tempting heat of Eren's mouth.  

"Oh..." Levi struggles against Eren's hold, trying desperately to grind into him. How has just one kiss got Levi in shambles? How has just a few lines passing from Eren's lips got Levi bucking against Eren's thigh between his legs? "Fuck." His voice is barely a breathy whisper, the need tingling at his fingertips as he pulls them into his palms.

"You look so good like this."

A vicious green stares back at him, taking in the flushed skin of Levi's face and chest, tongue swiping across dark pink lips before his teeth sink into the flesh next to the black of his lip ring.

"I can hardly help myself."

He grinds the weight of his thigh into Levi's swollen cock, making the man writhe beneath him, panting quietly in the space between them. In a quick movement, the two are wriggled from their underwear and Eren is pressed tight up against Levi, both of their cocks in his lubed hand and a sigh on those perfect, pierced lips as Levi wraps his legs around Eren's thighs.

"It's not fair for you to have me this way."

Thrusting a little against Levi, the friction of the movement brings a stifled moan from his throat. Still holding Levi's arms in place above his head with his other hand, Eren leans his weight into the pillow, hovering over the older man's pale body, twisting and thrusting and groaning in a way that would be entirely embarrassing if he didn't have Levi behaving the same way in a sweaty heap beneath him.

"You're just so..."

Suppressing the end of the sentence, an undignified moan catches Eren's attention, and he is unable to ignore the swollen lips begging for his attention. Levi tries to avoid Eren's words as he leans in to fill Levi's mouth with his kiss. He knows it isn't fair, but Eren gives in anyway, gives him what he wants, no longer asking for anything in return. The thought makes Levi weak, makes his heart ache, but Eren is so caught up, so busy chasing after pleasure that he doesn't notice the alarm clock ringing on the bedside table, doesn't notice the guilt in Levi's chest, or the soft, criminal whimper that Levi lets out as he arches his back and thrusts into Eren's hand.

"...so perfect."

Wiping the censurable look from his face and blinking away any beginnings of tears from his eyes, Levi strangles his thoughts, suppressing the pain as Eren resumes leaving tight, red marks across his chest, coaxing tiny whines with each bite. He can't get lost in the way of the world now, so he confines his head to the way things are here, right now, in the warmth of the covers, the safety of the space they slept in all night, the protection from everything else in the sweet, sultry moans that fall from Eren's lips as he melds his movements with Levi's needs, and the security of Eren's hard hold on his body. There's a certain freedom in the way that Eren has Levi completely pinned, entirely immobilized, and it's something Levi never thought he'd feel. He is vulnerable beneath Eren's gaze, paralyzed by his touch, but mostly, he is liberated from the restrictions of himself, pardoned from his past, acquitted from the scars and the bruises, and just relieved as his body shudders through his release. Moaning into Eren's kisses, a breath trembling though his lungs, Levi can feel every drop of cum that mixes across his chest tingling against his skin.

"So...perfect..."

Echoing with a sigh from his chest, Eren taps the still ringing alarm clock and sinks into the bed next to Levi, fingers trailing down Levi's bicep as the older man lets his hands fall to his sides. It just feels so...good. So wrong. He gets all of Eren without strings but still wants more, to swallow him whole, to be his everything, and Eren is nice enough to give that all away, to offer up his soul for nothing in return, at least for now.  In time, the other shoe will drop, Eren will demand what he has already asked of Levi, he knows this, and it holds a spot in his gut as a reminder.  Levi wishes for once that he could feel anything on the inside besides numb, anything more than just the dull throb of reality, wishes that he had something to give Eren, but there's nothing, he has nothing. And then somehow, it's there. The twinge in his stomach, so faint that he might hardly know it's there.

"Levi." Eren's soft whisper breaks him from his glare toward the ceiling, shakes him back into this moment, this soft, careful moment when Eren's fingers wrap into Levi's, pulling them into his grasp. "Get out of your head." Turning his head toward Eren, he watches the fingertips of the younger man's left hand lazily drawing circles on the light skin at the inside of his arm and feels the tight squeeze of his right hand and the way their fingers fold together as Eren blinks softly at Levi's blank stare. "Please." That's all he's asking, just for time, for the present, and Levi might be too fucking broken to give anything else, but right now, he can give Eren that.

"I'm here." It comes as barely a whisper, but it's there, it's enough to make that gorgeous smile stretch across Eren's face, enough to make green flex and sparkle, enough to make his own eyes feel dry.

"I think we still have time to go get coffee...oh, isn't there a cafe a few blocks from here?" That fucking smile. That bright, toothy grin outlined by those soft pink lips, it sneaks some hidden energy into Levi, jumping the gap between them. Levi can give him at least that much too, can't he?

"Yeah I think we can manage that." His voice is soft, almost sweet, something reminiscent of the way he used to be, the way he used to lean into happiness instead of falling away from it. Cringing at the mess on his chest, Levi sits up and smirks down at Eren. "But first we need to shower, you reek of sex."

Leaning up against his arm, Eren laces his fingers into Levi's hairline, pressing his lips softly against the older man's mouth. "I think that might be you." The smirk on his lips makes Levi push back against Eren's bare shoulder and hop out of bed, carefully making his way toward the bedroom door.

"Are you coming?" Calling over his shoulder, Levi shakes his head at the playfulness in his words and almost laughs at the scrambling noises of Eren following him down the hall.

  
  


Bounding back up the stairs, Eren's unevenly dried hair flops every which way on his head. "You had an overnight bag?" Levi opens the door farther to let Eren in, hiding behind it with a towel wrapped around his waist as the younger man moves past him.

"I can't wear the same clothes to work two days in a row!" The two fall into place side by side at the bathroom mirror, arms brushing between them for a quiet second.

"Why didn't you bring it in last night?" Levi wets his toothbrush, watching through the mirror as Eren trades the worn sweatshirt that reads ‘Trost High Hockey’ for a maroon sweater that meets perfectly at the edge of his wrist.  Just how the fuck both of those things look so becoming, so absolutely flattering on Eren is lost on Levi.

"I didn't want to assume anything."  Levi's eyebrow arches and he spits in the sink. "I didn't think you were going to let me stay."  His face looks a little sad as he strips off his blue jeans that have been hanging around his waist, pulling on tight, black boxers and slim, black jeans that hug him in all the right places. "I was hoping though."

He wanted to stay, Levi reminds himself of that fact again and again until he can find it in him to speak..  "Wait, are you telling me that I gave you my extra toothbrush for no reason?" A little giggle warms Eren's cheeks with blush and Levi can only smile back at the younger man through the mirror. They both comb their hair, wash their faces, get dressed. The strange ease of it all isn't lost on Levi, but he tries to ignore that nagging feeling, choosing instead to pay attention to the way that Eren's eyes skirt over his body when he drops his towel, pulling on his own underwear and dark jeans. He chooses not to hide the blush on his face as they both silently glance at the bruises and love bites across Levi's chest, and he feels like he can breathe again when they're covered by a black undershirt that clings to his skin. He puts another layer between them and the outside world, slipping into a black button down, the collar just tall enough to cover that last bruise on his neck.  

"I'm glad you stayed."  It slips from Levi's mouth and brings a hot blush to his face, so he turns from the room.

"Hm?" Eren tries to match Levi's pace as he moves through the hall.

"Let's go get coffee."

 

Levi watches Eren bend into his car, tossing his bag into the back seat.  Every way the younger man moves seems so intentional, so rehearsed, the way he holds his hand around the frame of the door, leaning in, the way his knee bends, pressing the ball of his foot into the pavement, the way he slides his arms into the thick fabric of his black blazer and hangs his scarf haphazardly around his neck.  The way he looks in that much black should be criminal, and whoever tailored that jacket deserves a thank you, because it lays perfectly across Eren’s wide shoulders, pulling in tightly around his waist, and it has Levi’s eyes utterly glued to the curves of his body.  Ripping himself away from the sight, Levi turns as Eren closes the door, clearing his throat to shake off some of the arousal that tingles at his fingertips.  "So, find anything good snooping in my apartment while I was still in the shower?"

"Not even remotely." Eren sways on the sidewalk, gait slow and steady as he looks over at Levi. "You must hide all of the good stuff."

His scarf hangs at either side of his chest, the bright, fuzzy fabric doing nothing to warm his neck. Dew still sits on the grass, weighing it down against the bright warmth of the sun that reaches across their backs. Despite that, a chill forces its way through Levi, the bright light had betrayed him from the window, failing to remind him of the fall frost. "Oh, like I'd find more dirt on you in your apartment?"

"Definitely."  Eren offers a quick glance toward Levi, the length of his eyelashes landing gently on his face as he winks.

He feels so close next to Levi on the sidewalk, their strides matching, but Levi wishes they were closer, close enough to dispel any doubt about their relationship, to let him know there's something here for him.  "Like what?"  It’s just so much easier when they’re touching, the weight of his past doesn’t seem as heavy when their bodies meet.

Trying to let the feeling fall away, Levi tries to focus on Eren’s words instead of the space between them.  "Like photos of my family, old papers, some seriously embarrassing first drafts."

"Now those I'd like to see." Levi lets his hand fall from the pocket of his jacket, moving to bump his shoulder into Eren's arm. Almost close enough.

And Eren bumps back, laughing into the cool air, puffs of water vapor escaping his mouth. "I'll be burning them all before you come over again." Now Eren's hand falls between them, their bodies unconsciously moving closer together.

"Poetry or prose?" Their fingers brush and Eren returns his hand to his pocket with a hard swallow. Why is this so hard?

"Both." Levi retreats too. Maybe it's too much. Sex is easy. Private. Holding hands is...messy, and here it feels so public in front of the shop owners, the few people on the street. It will only create more problems.

More problems because Levi can’t help but reach for Eren, can’t help but seek out his light, begging to bathe in it.  More problems because sometimes the light is too much, and sooner or later, the darkness in him will push to the surface.  He focuses on the conversation, staring at the ground between them and their destination. "Why writing?"

"Seriously?" A hum rings through Eren's chest and he looks up to the sky, blue reflecting in the pupils of his eyes. "I don't know, really. Something about being able to capture a moment, the way it feels, it's so hard, but when it's done right..." Daring a short glance at Levi, a quiet smile crosses Eren’s lips.  "I don't know."  Cold air pressing against his skin, his cheeks flush.  It feels honest, real.  "What about you? Why editing? Why publishing?"

"I don't know if I have an honest answer for you." Levi goes to turn down the street with the cafe, but Eren is still looking up, distracted by the sky, so Levi wraps his fingers around the crook of Eren's arm, gently tugging him back on the right path, and also seamlessly yanking Eren's hand free of his pocket. When he slides his grasp away it brushes Eren's fingers, and this time it doesn't fall away. Their fingers lace, palms meeting, and the space between them is bridged by their touch, forcing Levi's gaze to the cracks in the sidewalk as he clears his throat. And that spark, that faint heat in the center of his gut, flexes its fingers, stretches inside him.

“Try.”  He doesn’t look at Levi, he just walks with his face up, eyes closed.

“Hm?”  

“To give an honest answer.”  And he squeezes, fucking squeezes, making Levi’s heart pound in his chest.

“Right…”  Their pace slows, the speed of their steps unconsciously dragging out their time alone on the sidewalk in the cool air, keeping this quiet moment alive.  “I guess…”  He swallows heavy, thick tension from his throat because he is just full of disbelief, full of doubt that this is real.  “Because those drafts… they show more insight into who a person is than what they could tell you.”  He can feel Eren’s eyes on him now, but he keeps looking at the ground.  “But it’s better because there’s no messy conversation involved.”  

“Yeah, you’re not very chatty.”  Eren laughs and releases Levi’s hand as they near the door of the little cafe, opening it to the older man.  Emptiness finds its way back into Levi’s chest, aching without the energy of Eren’s hand, but it is returned with a light touch to the small of his back, the younger man’s fingers spreading out across his spine, fortifying him, pressing him forward.

They enter the warmth of the cafe, taking in the scents of fresh coffee and baking bread, and Levi stops just inside the door because all too quickly a memory demands his attention, the contrast in temperature reminding him too clearly of the last time the leaves fell to grace the ground.  He wants to grab Eren’s hand, to find some strength in his touch, to drag him back out onto the sidewalk, retreat back to bed, but it’s too late.

It’s too late because Eren is looking at him, waiting, turning to him, and brushing a stray hair from Levi’s vision.  “Oh, you’re so cold.”  Then both his hands brush against Levi’s face.  “You should’ve taken my scarf.”  Levi forces a breath from his chest; he can’t break now, not here, not when it was all going so well.  “I’m warm anyway.”  A hint of worry moves behind Eren’s eyes as his hands move to grasp Levi’s shoulders.

“That’s because you’re a fucking furnace.”  Levi grabs both sides of the scarf where it lays, tugging on it, wanting to pull Eren flush with his body, to erase the chill between them.  “I’m fine now.”  It’s a lie.  Hardly standing on his own two feet, barely breathing on his own accord, the only stability he has is the tight hold of Eren, the only energy he has coming the pieces he takes from Eren.  He’s already doing it.  Already pulling Eren apart for strength, destroying his warmth and leaving him with the cold darkness.

“Okay.”  It’s a whisper, like he wants to believe Levi but can’t quite manage it.  "How about you grab a table and I'll order."  Levi nods, reaching for the wallet in his back pocket until Eren stops him.  "I'm buying this one.  What do you want?”  He smiles, trying to return the energy between them, making Levi deflate more because fuck, it isn’t Eren’s fault, but he’s the one that has to pay for Levi’s inability to cope.

“Chai please.  Large.”

“Food.”  Eren raises his eyebrow.

“Banana nut muffin.”  Turning away from the look Eren is giving him, he tries to wipe away the guilt that has shaken him.  “That’s all I can stomach right now.”  

He leaves Eren to the short line, sitting with his back to the wall, close enough to see Eren, but not close enough to hear what he’s saying.  It’s all too obvious, the way Eren leans in a little turning his head to hear the young woman behind the register, his brown hair brushing across his forehead, and no matter how pressing Levi’s previous thought was, this is much more interesting, more important at the moment.  She touches her lip, points to his, and Eren’s finger teases his lip ring with a huge smile on his face, the one that has the power to knock anyone on their ass.  They keep talking as she makes their drinks, their fingers brushing when she hands him his order, and Levi fumes until Eren sits across from him with bright eyes.

“Maybe I should’ve gotten the drinks.”  Because watching Eren get flirty with the barista is enough to make Levi’s skin burn hot.  Clenching his teeth, he tries to swallow his jealousy, tries to remember that Eren had him wrapped around him less than an hour ago, that he has the marks to prove it all over his body.

Eren’s eyebrow raises.  “Why is that?”

“Because you apparently can’t turn it off.”  Levi crosses his arms and Eren slides his cup and plate toward him with a straight face.  

“What… being nice?”  A hint of anger sparks behind Eren’s eyes, so he pulls his gaze away from the older man across the table.

“No, being adorable.”  Their hands meet around the cup and Levi waits for the blush to be relieved from his face before he looks up, but it immediately returns when their eyes meet.  Silently begging, Levi holds his breath, waiting for Eren to snap at him, to call him jealous.  He isn’t allowed to be jealous.  He turned Eren down, turned him away, begged him to come back again and again with nothing in return.  

“My adorableness is only for you though.”  Eren releases Levi’s cup, the small smile on his face warming something in Levi, but it is stalled, his stomach turning when he sees the neatly written numbers across the top of Eren’s cup, hidden just beneath his fingertips.

He can’t stifle his curiosity, can’t shake the feeling of not knowing, aware of where this conversation will go once he opens the door, but Eren’s sexuality...well they never really established anything further than the fact that he is attracted to Levi.  That should be enough, but the thought of Eren calling that number, the thought of Eren taking her on a date, crawling into bed with her, her body strewn across the mattress beneath him...dammit.  It makes Levi cringe.  But Eren isn’t his.  They’re only dating, if they’re even doing that anymore, so there’s nothing to stop Eren from seeing her, or some other guy, nothing stopping him from using the same tricks that make Levi weak on someone else.  “When was the last time you were with a woman?”

Looking up from his bagel Eren doesn’t seem shaken by the question, but he reads Levi’s face for a long second before answering.  “Five months?  Six months ago.”  Placing the plastic knife to the side, he rests both wrists on the table before speaking again.  “We were together for a while.  Almost a year.” Levi feels himself stiffen, a lump forming in his throat as Eren offers up more information than asked of him. “How about you?”

“Very funny.  Middle school.”  Eren laughs a little into his coffee cup, lifting the weight between them a little.  “So you’re…”  Pausing, Levi doesn’t want to put words in Eren’s mouth.

Eren doesn’t leave him wondering for long, finishing the sentence before taking a bite of his bagel.  “Bisexual.”  Eren nods and Levi does too, but Levi can’t keep his head from going to the worst places.

Clearing his throat, he unwraps his muffin, though he has no intention of eating it with the knot in his stomach.  “And the last time you dated a man?”

“Right now.”  Eren smiles, blinking a few times.  Levi tries to wipe the surprise off of his face, they are still dating, still something more than just two people coming together for sex.  “Like four months ago.  Just a few...dates”   

Trying to ignore the pause in Eren’s voice, Levi blinks away the images of those ‘dates’ from the forefront of his mind.  “Why so long?”  

Taking a long sip of coffee, the two of them hold eye contact over the table in an uncomfortable silence.  "It's kinda hard to trust new people when you've been cheated on."  He can feel the disgusted look on his face and tries to contain it.  How could anyone be that stupid?  To let someone like Eren go like that?  Eren’s fingers tap his cup, repeatedly and unknowingly sliding over the barista’s number.  Actually he knows someone exactly that stupid, someone who won’t commit, won’t give in, won’t accept Eren’s advances.  He’s that stupid.  “Plus,” Eren pulls Levi’s attention back up, “shortly after that, I met you.”

I met you.  Like that’s enough of a deterrent.  Like Levi has done anything more than turn away from him.  In fact, that’s all he’s ever done.  Turn away from Eren’s warm gaze, away from embarrassment, from happiness, from pain, from possibility.  And why?  Because feigning disinterest is better than connection, because lying is better than telling the truth, because sharing...sharing might be enough to rip him open, caring might be enough to cease his breathing, losing might be enough to stop his heart all together.

And still, the words ring in his head, not Eren’s words, but his own.  I met  _ you _ .  It isn’t fair to put this much meaning on words, isn’t fair to let them weigh him down, but they do, they pull at his shoulders, make him straighten his spine, because when Levi met Eren he was still so broken.  He belonged to no one but himself.  Sleeping with the occasional stranger, some of which he can hardly remember, desperate and drunk and searching for something, anything this side of numb.  It always worked, because he always left feeling worse than he had when he arrived.  He was nothing, and he treated himself as such.  When Levi met Eren, he allowed himself to look, to stare, to imagine and daydream about something more than emptiness, to try to remember what it was like to be...whole.  Eren’s voice broke through to him, the occasional brush of the younger man’s fingers when they’d hand each other papers sending shivers across his skin, the incessant fire behind Eren’s eyes for anything he found interesting, the way that fire burned even when he looked at Levi, it all seemed so real.

That same look burns into Levi now, reaching across the little cafe table.  Barely breathing, he waits for Eren to speak, to break the silence he created, to ask him the question he knew would come from the beginning of the conversation.  “When was your last relationship?”  Heavy when they pass his lips, the words seem to fall between them, like Eren wants to know but is afraid of the answer.

Taking a long sip of his tea, Levi releases a shaky breath from his chest. Picking apart the muffin into little pieces, he doesn’t dare look up into those green eyes, doesn’t want to see the expression on Eren’s face, the confusion under his tilted eyebrows, the tightness of his lips.  “Almost ten months ago.”  He tries to put as much space between himself and Farlan as he can, but the time doesn’t seem to cut it.  Ten months of not being together doesn’t quite encompass the two months of loneliness before they ended it, or the month of inconsolable rage and hurt that he carried afterward.  It doesn’t quite contain the broken sentiment.  

Because this time last year Levi was dreaming of starting his life with another man, aching over missing blue eyes.  This time last year, Levi froze over with the early snowfall, found himself cold to the touch as the ground stiffened, felt permafrost setting in his veins.

The memory feels so distant, so unapproachable, but it also feels so close that he could touch it if he would just reach out, if he would just close his eyes. 

“I got accepted into the program of my dreams, Levi.”

The afterthought is so strange, the knowledge that he willingly and unknowingly walked into a storm when he met Farlan that day, he’s so numb to it by now, so dazed.  

“I know I never mentioned applying.”

Details smudge at the corners, certain elements of the thought just too dark to grasp at due to repeated overthinking, incessant rewriting and questioning, and the hopes of complete erasure. 

“I thought it was such a long shot.”  

Only a few things are clear.  The flecks of white paint that he picked off of his arms, the way he thought about how they had splattered there while he was painting his room instead of listening to what Farlan had to say.  

“But they want me!”

The way he couldn’t listen to Farlan, how his voice muffled around his words.  

“They really want me, Levi.”

The look on his face was so alive, so energized.

“People fight for this internship opportunity, this hospital is one of the best.”

The embarrassment in Levi’s chest, the heat in his face.  The way his voice cracked around his words.  “You should’ve told me.  You should’ve given me a heads up...there are places for me to work in Denver, there are schools that would’ve wanted me.  I would’ve…”

“You would’ve dropped everything for me.”  Dirty blonde hair brushed across his forehead as he tilted his head, looking down at Levi with those quiet blue eyes.  “And I just couldn’t ask you to do that.”  

“You wouldn’t have had to ask, Farlan.”  He pressed his nails into the palms of his hands, choking on the lump in his throat, wondering why the hell they had to do this in such a public place.

Hands gripped around the coffee cup, Farlan closed his eyes, shaking his head.  “You were so happy to be promoted, you got the perfect apartment, and your scholarship…”  Icy blue looked back up into Levi, tearing him apart, collapsing his every argument, shattering his every thought.  “I won’t let you pass that up.”  He reached across the table, his grasp loosening Levi’s fist, leaving his palms sore.  “This is the best thing for both of us.”  Hands warm against Farlan’s hold, Levi felt the coolness of his skin, the chill in his bones, the allover emptiness.  “Please trust me.”  Trust.  It’s a funny word to be used by someone who didn’t trust Levi to do right for himself, someone who kept his intentions a secret until it was too late.  “It’s only temporary.”  Temporary.  Everything is temporary.  Separation, feelings, love, they all fade away.  “This isn’t the end of us.”

If only it was.  If only Farlan had ended it then, if only he had ended it sooner.  Maybe Levi would be over this bullshit.  Maybe he would’ve had enough time, enough distance to pull himself back together, to pick up the pieces of his messy life and rearrange them, to move on without so much fear, so much anxiety, so much apprehension.

Maybe then he could look up into Eren’s eyes without feeling so much guilt, without wondering how long Eren will tolerate this, without hoping he has at least one more moment with him, one more touch, one more kiss before Eren moves on without him.  Maybe then he could stop feeling so cold, stop feeling so numb.  "Bad breakup?"  

"You could say that."  Blinking up from the crumbs of his muffin, Levi finds himself caught in Eren’s gaze, wrapped up in green.  It takes him a moment to recognize the softness in the younger man’s eyes, the gentle energy that crosses the expanse of the table, the slow burn it incites deep within his chest.  

"Or you could correct me."  A little smirk crosses Eren’s face, trying to lighten the conversation, make it feel a little less heavy, a little less deafening, but Levi is silent and looking down at the table.  Between them, the air is thick, weighted with unspoken words.  Shifting in his seat, Eren chews on the inside of his lip, the discomfort visible in his face as he looks into the top of his coffee cup.  “Do you still…”  Eyebrows up over those wide green eyes, a hint of pain flits behind Eren’s pupils, the tight audible swallow making Levi’s stomach turn.

“No.”  

Eren turns his gaze toward Levi, dark pink lips tight and small around his words.  “You don’t even know what I was going to say.”

Except he knows exactly what Eren was going to say.  It’s the same question Levi asked himself day after day until it became a known fact, until his body and mind found peace in the empty solitude.  “Do i still have feelings for him? No. Do I still love him? No.” Every inch of his being wants to reach out and grab Eren’s hand, to anchor him, to save the space they’ve created for themselves, but he just can’t do it.  He can’t reach, the darkness holding tight on his limbs, weighing him down, ripping him at the edges as he struggles against their hold.  “I held on for a long time.”  Until it hurt. Until it threatened to bury him alive.  Until he couldn't take it anymore.  “But when it’s over, it’s over.”  That’s the nice way of putting it.  That’s the adjusted way of saying that he let go.  He let go of everything that reminded him of Farlan, he let go of it all.  Swearing off searching for another connection to happiness, another contact with feelings...with love.

Truthfully, isn't hung up in Farlan, not the way he looked or the way his hair flopped on his head when he walked, not the way he held Levi in his arms, or the way he spoke softly in the morning when they lay together.  None of those things really mattered anymore.  But the way it felt to be chosen...the way Farlan always made him feel like they could get through anything together...that’s what hurts.  He's hung up on the way it felt to be loved, the way it felt to be someone’s everything even after repeatedly learning that he was never cut out for love.  He isn’t capable of receiving it, isn’t capable of giving it, because he has been told again and again that it isn’t real, that no one could ever care for him that way.  He’s hung up on the way it felt to be left.  The way it felt to be so wrong about someone, to give them everything, to trust them with everything, and to have them throw it all away.

He can’t be that wrong again, but he wants to be.  He wants to prove everyone wrong.  To prove that he can be loved.  But there’s nothing left of him to love, nothing left of him to care for.  The least he can do now is be honest.  "But he didn't leave much of me when he ended things."

"It probably feels that way.”  Something changes behind Eren’s eyes, irises flexing around his thoughts, body leaning forward against the table, the energy lighting up something inside of both of them.  “But look at you! You're here, with me."  

With Eren.  With warmth and heat, but his body is still cold.  "I don't mean it like that."

“I know.”  It comes out as barely a whisper as Eren traces the lid of his coffee with his finger.  “But he didn’t take the important parts...the things that make you, you.”  Tilting his head, Eren closes his eyes a little with a smile.  “Your determination, your work ethic, your intelligence.”  Somehow Eren’s words crash over him, touching him though the distance between them doesn’t change.  "Those are things people can't take away from you."

The sentiment isn’t enough to shake the fact that it just isn’t true.  People have taken everything from him again and again.  It doesn’t matter how high his mother built him up, or how many tools she gave him to be the best person he could be, being shown day after day that he was nothing, that he was useless, well those things just weren’t enough to keep him up, to keep him stable, because after awhile he started to believe those terrible things about himself.  No one will ever know how hard he had to work just to get back to that baseline of determination, but in the end it’s all he has, it’s all anyone let him get away with.  These things have made him cold, that’s all there is to it, with no hopes of thawing out.  "I hate to break it to you, but they can."

"Well then maybe..."  Searching Levi’s face for a long second, Eren’s eyes flit across the table as he bites his lip.  "People can also bring those things back."

An inexplicable heat spreads across Levi’s face as he stands up from the table, taking their trash and throwing it away, careful not to let Eren see the number on his cup.  "We should get going."  For so long he’s been chained up, caged by everything that weighs him down, everything he’s ever learned about himself and others, but somehow, someway, Eren shows him freedom. Eren shows him the light he never really knew.  He shows him something he never thought he could see again.  Even in the endless darkness, Eren presses forward, daring to take him on.

Bringing a chill back to Levi’s face, the air outside the cafe is thin and cool, but they don’t get any farther than the sidewalk in front of the doors.  Levi doesn’t have to look at Eren to know what he’s doing, because the whole time he's known him, the younger man has been looking up.  His head is always in the clouds, dreaming up scenarios, arranging words. He always looks so pleasant with his eyes turned up, so enamored with the world.  Levi is the opposite, spending much of his life, especially the last year, looking down, watching his step, staying out of the way, planning the next move.  For now, he looks up to see Eren’s face, and in a soft moment, Eren looks down at him, turning to face him.

"You're incredible, you know that?"  He starts talking again, like he never expected an answer, gently laying the weight of the maroon scarf in his hands across the back of Levi's shoulders.  "You've been through so much."  He swings one side of the scarf onto Levi's back and over the other side.  "I don't even know the half of it."  He tucks the ends beneath the looped material, burying his fingers in the fabric as he steps closer.  "And I know it hurts...to be this intimate with someone again."  And he's even closer, people walk around them on the sidewalk but Levi doesn't even notice them, he only sees what's right in front of him, the green eyes that house so much sorrow, so much hidden behind dark pupils.   So much...understanding.   "But you still give me the time of day."  And those sad eyes turn up with his lips in a quiet smile.  "You're still trying."

"Eren, I..."  His lips and words are buried as Eren leans into into him, and whatever he meant to say is lost in the wet warmth of Eren's lips, distracting completely from the cold bite of the air around them.  It's a different kiss than any other they've had.  It's so soft, so sweet, so consuming that Levi finds himself grabbing onto the edges of Eren's jacket.  It’s all so dizzying as Eren parts his lips, diving deep into Levi's mouth, tipping his head back to receive the heat.  The whole thing is so...arousing, but not the kind that has Levi wanting to drag him back into bed, no.  It's the kind that has his senses heightened, his touch completely magnified as Eren slips his left hand to the small of Levi's back, right hand holding him steady and tight around his shoulder.   Spreading across Levi's spine,  Eren's fingertips press into the taut muscle and he is pulled closer still, steadied only by Eren's hold around him, his kiss that reaches so deep, so fully, lighting up every neuron in Levi's body, his arms quivering against Eren's chest.  It all grounds him here, firmly on the sidewalk, in Eren's arms.

He hardly notices anything but the pounding in his chest, the blood flowing in his ears, when Eren pulls away ever so slightly, coming up for air.  But Levi doesn't let go, doesn't move an inch aside from his heaving chest, knowing, feeling, hoping that Eren will come back for more.  And he does.  He leaves soft repeated kisses over Levi's forehead, his cheeks, and finally, his lips, again with the same intensity as before, charged with energy, laced with need and want and something else entirely that has Levi weakened to the point of tears.  The bell to the cafe door rings, but they don't break, they don’t notice anything but the quiet breeze that tugs at their clothes and the heat of their kiss.   Levi remains bent in Eren’s arms when his lips are freed, feeling like he’ll never catch his breath, like he’ll never stop shaking.

"Jesus."  The word slips from his swollen lips, but other than that, there is only a stunned silence between them because what the  _ hell _ was  _ that _ ?  He is answered only with a piercing green look paired with a swollen smile as Eren takes his hand and leads him down the sidewalk.  Every thought Levi tries to grasp at is so flighty, so out of reach, so he just focuses on the quiet thud of their footsteps on the pavement to his apartment, the warmth of their entwined fingers, the overwhelming scent of Eren’s cologne in the strands of the scarf around his neck, and the memory of the weight of Eren’s lips against his.

When Eren speaks, Levi realizes that they hadn’t spoken the entire walk home, too distracted by the thump of his heart against his ribcage and the huffs of breath from his lungs.  “I’m so glad I got to spend my morning with you.”  They approach his car, erasing the possibility of just going back to bed, sharing another kiss, feeling that tingling over every inch of his body.  

Nothing seems like it can even come close to ruining Levi’s mood in this moment, nothing to come along and wipe away that ever pleasant look on Eren’s face, the smile on his lips, the heat behind his eyes as he comes in closer, releasing Levi’s hand to wrap his fingers into the strands of black hair, tipping his head back.  The feeling is so overwhelming, but Levi’s mind can’t reach it to put a name to it, so he gives up on trying and just melts into Eren’s touch, forming himself at Eren’s fingertips as they curve around his ear, thumbs pressing gently against his temples.  His whole body responds, wrapping his arms around Eren’s waist, pulling him closer, his skin flushing with heat, a moan creaking from his chest.  It just feels so...incredible, so caring, so lo-.  “Mmm.”  Eren’s phone vibrates in his pocket, sending a shiver against Levi.

“Always getting interrupted.”  Eren’s face is bright with a smile, pink from blush, and he doesn’t let go of Levi when he pulls the phone out and glances at the screen.  But the moment is lost in whatever is on the other line, and Eren’s energy is wiped from his face, the life in his eyes fading when he looks back to Levi.  “I’m really sorry.  It’s my father, I have to take it.”  

“That’s okay.”  But it isn’t okay, because Eren’s hold on Levi drops as he steps away.

“It’s probably going to be a while.  I’m so sorry.  I’ll just see you later.”  He opens the door to his car and slides in with a pained look toward Levi, one that makes his heart sink, one that makes him feel heavy and groggy after only just feeling so weightless, so giddy.  “Hi, Dad.”  The door closes between them and Levi is cut off from Eren, his fingers digging into Eren’s scarf around his neck.  The younger man offers a quiet smile to Levi through the window, but the look behind his eyes doesn’t convince Levi.

That look slips into Levi’s mind a few times throughout work, but he wills it away, shaking himself back into the present if only for a few minutes.  His concentration is so spotty, because for the most part he is so dazed, so distracted by the way Eren’s kiss felt.  Creeping into his mind, Levi touches his fingers to his lips as the memory of the throbbing pressure flows through him.  The office is almost empty when he leaves, the weight of his phone and the way to contact Eren in his pocket is almost unbearable.  

The whole thing, it just… it feels so familiar, so distant.  Like he wasn't made to accept the emotion that Eren was giving him.  Like it's a secret he was never supposed to hear.  Need flows through his body, for knowledge, for the answer to whatever the hell that was, for Eren.  Retrieving his phone from his pocket as soon as he walks in the door of his apartment, Levi dials Eren’s number, losing himself in the ringing. Hanging up just before the voicemail can pick up, Levi’s fingertips shake.  Maybe it wasn’t for him after all.  Maybe Eren never meant for him to feel that at all.  He strips off his coat and hangs it on the rack, laying the maroon of the scarf next to it before stumbling onto the carpet.

This hasn’t happened in so long.  It’s been so fucking long, but the feeling is almost welcomed, it’s almost accepted, because it lets him know there really is something wrong with him...it lets him know...fuck...he can’t do it on his own.  He can’t keep pushing everyone away, can’t keep denying their reaching hands.  He can’t...because all he’ll have left is himself in the emptiness.  All he’ll have is darkness, the only thing he never cut ties to, the only thing that has always been there for him.  But that’s his own fucking fault.  He can’t quite pinpoint the feeling because at the moment everything is just too much.  It’s all too overwhelming, too staggering, because once he realizes he can’t be alone, everyone is gone.  The air is too heavy to breathe, too thick against his clammy skin, damp in his lungs.  Everything hurts.  Everything fucking aches, and the shakiness of his limbs isn’t enough to distract him of this fact.  Nothing he can do can distract him.  He doesn’t have the tools to get out of this on his own, doesn’t have the strength to hold on to the slippery edges of reality, doesn’t have the strength to wrap his arms around himself, to squeeze, to feel anything besides the heavy panic that weighs down his entire body, pulling him down, down, deep into the cold, damp darkness.  


	7. Nowhere Left to Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Although his mind doesn't recognize it, distracted by Eren, his body remembers every touch. His skin holds the memory of every bruise beneath the surface, the muscles can recall every tear, the bones remodeled around every break. This is unavoidable. He doesn't have to tell Eren where to touch, where to graze, where to kiss to reach those places because his body has been broken time and time again, every inch begging for attention, so those knowing hands don't have to search long on Levi's body to find a place that will grace the man with pleasure, a place tainted and tortured by his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING!!!!! This chapter contains more graphic details of Levi's childhood abuse, please be aware of this and the changes in tags before you read.

Time aches forward, the sun crossing seamlessly into the morning sky to rise behind the scattered clouds.  It paints the buildings with light, spreading its fingers against the window pane, spilling across the fan of papers on Levi’s desk, washing over his hand as he reaches for his tea cup.  Sitting back into his chair, soaking in the heat of the tea as it passes his lips, he watches the world wake up outside his window and tugs the earbuds from his ears, wondering how long it’s been since the music stopped playing.  He gathers the marked pages and tucks them into his bag, nestling them safely beside his laptop, retreating to the bathroom without even a passing glance at his reflection in the mirror.

How did it get to be so late?  How did it get to be so early?  It's like the flow time ceased to move as expected, like it slipped from Levi’s fingers, or rather, let Levi slip from its fingers when he was buried between the pages of a manuscript.  Levi steps beneath the spray, letting the water rinse away the stickiness of his anxious energy, scrubbing away at the thought of waking up at three in the morning in a cold sweat all alone,  scrubbing until his skin is red and he forgets the way his consciousness was ripped from him, the way he slept without a thought, without a dream, for five hours before crashing back into reality.  Five hours is better than he usually does on his own.  He rinses the suds from his body with that thought, washing away everything but the lingering idea of his current project at work.  He wants to live in the daze of that fiction, to wrap himself up in it, to leave the sharp edges of reality to those who are better suited to handle it.

His distraction carries him to work, weighing into him as he settles into his desk, tugging at him until he once again has his eyes on the pages of the manuscript.  He spends his workday the way he’s spent his free time for the better part of his life, hunched over a desk, hidden between the covers of a book, prey to the words on the page, victim to the author's’ whims.  He finds solace in the typeset, comfort in the scents trapped in the paper, relief in the thickness of the cover between his fingers.  Libraries were his safe haven, shelves filled with stories and facts and tales, tables empty and quiet.  He spent his lunch periods in the school library immersed in literature, in fantasy, checking out as many books as possible just to bring them back the following day.  He labored over them, poured himself into them, taking refuge between the pages, escaping to other worlds, other dimensions.  Every night of his childhood was marked with the reading of a story, the sweet voice of his mother leading him through unexplored places, showing him the way into the depths of other people’s creations.  But the stories stopped when she didn’t come home one night, when she was swept away in a storm, when he was taken in by his uncle.  He spent every day after that looking for her, sure her memory was hidden somewhere between the lines, lost somewhere bent into the spine of a book.  

But it wasn’t.  He never found her memory in the hundreds of books he read, he found something else.  He found the comfort of words, the way they wrapped their fingers around him, the way they helped his wounds heal, aided him in passing the time until he was old enough to get away from Kenny, until he could stand on his own.  When he finally moved out, when he finally had enough money to sustain himself, he stopped frequenting the libraries and started filling his shelves with books that were actually his, all the books he didn’t dare ask for, all the books he couldn’t previously afford.  The thought might be deplorable, pathetic, but he owed his life to the words of strangers, the words of other worlds.  That’s what he finds every day of editing, working to make those stories strong enough to touch someone else.  Maybe that’s what Levi should’ve told Eren when he asked about his job… maybe he could still tell him.

Bare and silent, the office serves as Levi’s springboard back into reality, the sky is alive with the deepening colors of night, navy and purple fighting against the warm glow of the streetlamps.  Maybe he could just work through the night again, ignore the silence of his phone, ignore his aching body, his tired eyes, but his head throbs, his chest tight and cramped around his pounding heart.  Eren never called, never made an effort to apologize...where the hell is he?  Pulling the phone from his pocket, Levi blinks away the image of Eren’s face when he answered the phone yesterday, a face marked with sadness, eyebrows weighted with reluctance, lips tight with apprehension.  It’s not an expression Levi ever expected to see perched on Eren’s soft features, a pain he never wanted to see in those green eyes.  Levi’s chest remains tight as he presses the button on his phone, unease racing through his every vein, uncertainty and worry over Eren’s wellbeing shaking through his fingertips.  The screen doesn’t respond, the phone lying dead and dormant in his hand.  

“Shit.”  Scolding himself under his breath, he shoves everything in his bag in one swift movement, pulling his jacket from the sidewall of his cubicle and tugging it on.  The sight of red stops Levi in his tracks, the soft fabric of Eren’s scarf swaying gently against his cubicle.  How could he be that fucking distracted?  How could he not notice the scent of Eren’s skin on its knit strands?  A blush warms his face as he pulls the scarf around his neck.

His head is so full, every disjuncted thought fighting for attention against the sound of his footsteps on the stairs, thrashing against his logic.  Only one stands out, only one that keeps coming back.  Get to Eren...just get to Eren.  The ends of the scarf flutter behind him, caught in a gust of wind that cools Levi’s flushed skin.  The dark strands take flight, lifting up to the darkening sky before falling to land gently on his back.  It makes Levi feel like he might be taken if another sharp wind were to blow through the alley, like regardless of all the weight of his thoughts, the pressure of his memories, the gravity of  his past, the burden of the pit of his stomach, the pull of Eren’s scarf will keep him up, keep him above the threat of rising water, of approaching darkness.

Sliding into his car, Levi plugs his phone in and turns the key, unwrapping the scarf from his neck, eliminating the barriers between him and the fresh air because he can’t breathe, he can't believe this is happening again.  Panting, fogging up the windows, clouding himself from the outside world, Levi slams his fist into the steering wheel, wrapping his fingers tight around the leather, squeezing until it hurts...because sometimes reality is too stark, too sharp when coming out of that literary daze, because no matter how good a job a book does, no matter how firmly he is pulled in, he always has to come back to this, to reality, to him, to the time in his life in which he once again finds himself needing the comfort of a person that doesn’t need him back, needing the touch, the words, the pleasure of someone even when he’s unavailable to give himself away, unable to pull himself together, unfit for love…unfit to be loved.

His phone buzzes several times in the cup holder, halting Levi’s thoughts and forcing him to cease the uneven breaths forcing themselves out of his chest.   _3 missed calls.  5 unread messages._  Hanji...he clicks her messages, ignoring Eren’s for the moment as his heart thuds against his ribcage.

H:   _Won’t be able to meet for lunch today.  Meeting with the grant people._  
        _Work going okay?_  
 _I swear to Erwin’s eyebrows if you’re dead somewhere…_  
 _Levi!_

Judging by the amount of angry-faced emojis in her messages, if he doesn’t answer she’ll show up at his door.

L: _Not dead.  Got lost in a good manu today.  Did your grant get extended?_

Fingers moving without instruction, he opens his missed calls to see Eren’s name from when he reached out hours ago, his unread message, his concern.

E:   _I’m so sorry about last night.  I hope you’re alright.  Please call me._

His blood whirs through his head louder than the sound of the phone ringing, louder than his thoughts, louder than Eren’s voice in the speaker.  “Levi?”

“Hi...sorry.”  Cranking the defroster to wipe away the evidence of his panic, he clears his throat to rid of the silence that aches between them.  “My phone was dead.”

“Oh, that’s okay.”  Shuffling papers in the background, Eren pauses for a long moment.  “About last night.”  Levi wishes he would let it go, wishes that he hadn’t called Eren in the first place, that Eren didn’t know how firm a hold he has over him.  But mostly, he doesn’t want to know who had Eren so busy, so distracted, that he couldn’t answer the phone.  “My father, he just put me in a bad mood so I went to bed early.”

Could that really be it?  Could it really be that simple?  Or is there something else going on?  “Is everything alright with our family?”  Holding his breath, Levi pinches either side of his nose, squeezing away the aching in his head, distressed by the fact that the only peace, the only alleviation from pain he gets is from Eren’s voice in his ear.

“Yeah, they’re fine.  I just… I wouldn’t have been very good company last night… and i probably won’t be tonight… but I’d love to see you.”  Levi is quiet, the weight of the words settling over him, because despite Eren not wanting to show Levi a part of him that has remained quiet until now, he still wants to see him...to be with him.  And maybe, for once, Levi can be Eren’s distraction, he can be the one mending instead of being mended.  “We could just get takeout and watch a movie.  Chinese or something.”  

Levi’s stomach growls, the emptiness throughout his body weighing heavy in his esophagus.    “Pizza.”  

“Pizza.”  Eren repeats the word, the smile apparent in his voice, as if it’s an answer to his question.  

Closing his eyes, Levi tries to imagine the look on Eren’s face, the warmth in his smile, the comfort in his eyes, an expression that makes everything seem worth it, that makes everything seem like it’s going to be okay.  But he remembers those lips, the way they felt pressed so sweetly against his own, the way that kiss seemed to awaken his entire body, the way it felt so heavy, so important, laced with heat and pleasure and something else, something deeper.  The ghost of that kiss lurks behind Levi’s lips as he brings his fingers to touch them.  He wanted so badly to know what it was, what was the intent behind Eren’s touch, but now all he wants is another one of those kisses, another one of those moments where everything else seems to fall away.

Swallowing hard, Levi composes himself, making sure he doesn’t reveal the need coursing through him when he speaks.  “Okay I’ll bring it… your place?”  

“Sounds good.”  He moves on the other line, closing a book and shuffling papers.

And Levi’s heart beats hard against his ribcage, the sound so loud he’s sure Eren will hear it over the phone.  “Eren…”

“Hmm?”  The noise stops on Eren’s end, the younger man giving him his full attention, the only sound between them is the stunted breaths from Levi’s chest, his heart, his uncertainty.

"I'm a mess."  Why is that so hard to say?  Why is honesty so fucking difficult?  Because in the past if he admitted his feelings Farlan would say something like ‘that's okay, take some time for yourself. I'll be here when you need me.’  But those were the times Levi needed him the most, the times when he could feel the anxious energy in the air around him, the times when he couldn’t fight off the pain, the memories, the nightmares. He expects something of the same from Eren...because why would Eren want to take care of him if he’s already dealing with his own issues?  Why would Eren care at all?

"Then neither of us should be alone."

His voice is so earnest, so sincere and warm… peppered with something that’s both desperate and comforting.  Maybe that’s why Levi finds himself promptly on Eren’s doorstep with hot pizza in his hand, his overnight bag weighing down on his shoulder with doubt and apprehension as he is buzzed into the building, but it all seems to wash away when Eren steps into the hallway.  Standing there in only pajama pants and a towel hanging over his shoulders, he leans over the railing to wave Levi in the right direction, meeting him halfway on the stairs to lift everything from Levi’s arms, sliding his bag off of his shoulder with a soft smile.  

Following close behind, Levi enters Eren’s apartment, pushing the door closed with a short sigh as Eren places the pizza on the coffee table.  Unmoving, Levi watches as Eren takes his bag down the hall and returns pulling a tight grey shirt over his chest, covering the tight line of his boxers and the way his red pajama pants hang a bit lower, a bit looser, around his waist.  Unbuttoning his jacket, Levi turns away from Eren, regaining his composure and his dignity with a few short breaths.  

“That looks good on you.”  The energy is alive around them, the warmth of Eren’s body so close behind him as the younger man threads his fingers into the scarf around Levi’s neck.  

“I wanted to return it.”  He wants so badly for Eren to just grab hold of his arm, press him against the door, tear the scarf from his fingertips, and lay into him, to warm his entire body with one of those kisses, to show Levi exactly what it means.  But what if it isn’t there?  What if the spark that he so desperately wants to feel again isn’t there?  What if he isn’t ready to feel that way again?  More importantly, what if he is?  These thoughts weigh stress into his shoulders, all possibilities too heavy to bear, too tough to carry on.  Unhooking the scarf from Eren’s fingers, Levi hangs his jacket and the scarf before moving past him in the doorway, sitting down on the floor by the coffee table.  “Ready for pizza?  This is from my favorite place in the city.”

“Wait, there's one more thing I have to do.”  Sitting next to him, Eren grabs Levi’s wrist as he reaches toward the pizza box, turning the man’s upper body toward him.  The movement is startling, almost shocking as Levi is taken over by Eren, the weight of the younger man’s lips filling Levi with heat, with desire, with further confusion, because every second pours energy into his veins, light into his neurons, need into his every cell as Eren’s hands wrap around his face, brushing his cheeks, pulling him closer, closer, closer until he’s almost got the answer he’s looking for, until Eren pulls away, turning to the table and leaving Levi panting beside him.  “Did you work today?”  He pulls the pizza box open, laying slices on the plates in front of them, pretending not to notice the distraction in Levi’s mind, the way his eyes are still closed tight, the way his body searches for more even though he knows he won’t receive it, not now, not yet.  

Realizing Eren asked him a question, Levi shakes the energy from his fingertips and turns to the coffee table once again.  “Yeah, I worked.”  Trying to wipe the small smile from his face, he raises his fingertips to the tingling of his lips wondering just how the _fuck_ Eren does that… how he’s got Levi so… so light, so airy, so giddy.  It’s ridiculous, obscene really, but it feels so good, so natural, like he’s speeding on a crash course straight for pleasure, and he couldn’t stop it even if he wanted to.

“How was that?”  Bright green looks back at him as he takes a big bite of pizza, eyes locked and intent on listening to the answer.  With eyes like that looking at him, a smile like that pointed in his direction, even something as simple as small talk becomes more than just idle conversation, something he never thought he’d take interest in.

“Good, actually.  My current project is really well written.”  It kept his attention all day, distracted him from the sickly feeling in his chest, that aching emptiness that seems inevitable the closer he gets to Eren.

But that fucking smile, those straight, white teeth, those dark pink lips turned up tight around his lip ring… Levi might just do anything to keep seeing that smile, to keep hearing the enthusiasm in his voice when he speaks, to keep hearing the way Eren says his name.  “That's really awesome, Levi.”  

Clearing his throat, Levi watches as Eren picks the onion off of his slice and lays it gently on his plate.  Just how someone so persistent and picky ended up with their sights on Levi is completely lost on him.  “And how's your writing going?”

Blush fills Eren’s cheeks, his eyes flitting to the food in his hand.  “Good.”  He crosses his legs beneath him, shifting his weight, probably hoping that Levi won’t take notice.

“When my authors say that it usually means they aren't writing.”  Offering a blank stare straight at Eren, Levi doesn’t move a muscle until the younger man looks back at him.

Those perfect lips part around a sigh, eyebrows furrowing under the length of his hair.  “I'm just, everything's distracting me.  School and my family and-”

“And me.”  It slips from his mouth without a second thought because the statement is undoubtedly true.  He’s nothing but a distraction for what really matters, an interruption from an exciting Saturday night out, a complication in Eren’s love life.  He’s an interference.  The word churns in his head as he eyes the corner of the table, the condensation on the glass of water in front of him, the discarded onions on Eren’s plate, everything but Eren.  How long until Eren realizes it too?

“Hey.”  Warm fingertips press into Levi’s knee, skirt up his thigh, his arm, brushing his face, catching his jaw.  “You distract from the bad things.”  Closing his eyes in anticipation of a kiss, Levi digs his teeth into his cheek as Eren’s words skim his ears, the warm breath sending shivers across his skin.  “I should've had you over yesterday, I just didn't want you to see me like that.”

Exercising the dark part of his mind, the part that is so easily awoken, so readily available, he wonders what it felt like, what Eren insists on facing on his own, if he could’ve honestly done anything to help.  Probably not.  He’s too selfish, too greedy, it’s what he’s been told time and time again.  Cupping Levi’s jaw in his palm, Eren feels so close, so warm and understanding.  It’s only a matter of time before Eren is saying those things about him, only a matter of time before he realizes what he’s gotten himself into, before he gives up on Levi, leaving him damaged and alone.

His whole body rushes with doubt, a dizzying energy weighing his head into Eren's hand.  He shouldn't have come here.  Shouldn't have come here.  Shouldn't have… everything is so heavy, every evaded thought of the last 24 hours coming to press into him now, to pull at his limbs, churn in his stomach, pound in his head.  It's too much, too much for his body to take, and he can't bear to open his eyes, to look into that honest green.  A shaky breath heaves from his chest and he gives in to the weight of his body, ready to collapse into the carpet but being caught by Eren's arms instead.

“Are you okay?”  So quiet against the ringing in his ears, Eren's voice dances in his head, wanting to get through to him.  Squeezing tight, he wraps his arms around Levi's body, pressing his fingers into the man's shoulders to steady him but Levi on falls further into Eren's chest, wanting to be surrounded by the heat, the beat of his heart, the calm feeling that radiates from his body.

It's so backwards, the way he wraps his fingers in Eren's clothes, grabbing the shirt in his fists, the way he feels so enthralled, so taken, so… needy.  It's so fucking backwards, the way he feels himself drowning in Eren and still… he dives straight in.  It's not fair.  Not fair to either of them.  He pushes himself up against Eren's hold, pulling away and holding his head in his hands.  “Yeah I just got a little light headed.”  He hasn't slept, hasn't eaten, he’s become so incapable, so wrapped up in his feelings that he can’t even take care of himself, so needy that he’s taking Eren’s attention when he’s supposed to be helping him.

And Eren doesn’t care, he doesn’t think twice before pulling Levi back into his arms, letting his weight fall into his chest.  "How did you sleep last night?"  He says it like he knows, like he sees right through him.

"I didn't."  Mumbling into Eren’s shirt, he hopes his blush isn’t noticeable, that the shakiness in his hands isn’t too apparent.

“I told you to…”  He stops with a sigh on his lips, a thought caught on his tongue.  “I told you to call me if you couldn’t sleep and I didn’t answer.”  Shifting his weight, Eren stands, dragging Levi with him.  Levi moves without protest, following Eren to the couch, watching him clean up their mess and return to his side with a blanket.  “I’m so sorry.”  Gathering Levi in the blanket, Eren sits beside him, tipping him so his head falls into the warmth of the younger man’s lap.

“You’re not responsible for my sleep schedule.”  Not responsible for his issues, his anxiety, his inability to pull it together, but still, the warmth of Eren’s thigh beneath his head, the way Eren’s fingers run through his hair, the way he rubs the sides of his neck and brings heat to his entire body, well it makes Levi’s heavy eyelids fall over his eyes, makes him groan a little at the touch, makes him settle into the couch cushions.  “Why are you so nice to me?”  The words fall from his tired lips without warning, without thought.

“You know why.”  His fingers never stop their movement against Levi’s scalp, never stop sending shivers down Levi’s spine, until a movie is chosen and Levi’s breaths are slow and heavy.

 

Until his breaths are stopped, caught in his throat, choked from him.  Until he is seconds from losing consciousness, the edges of reality blurring.  Until Kenny’s fingers release him, the breaths heaving from his chest, forcing air back into his lungs.  Until he wakes up in the dark living room, the tv left on the suggestions screen, Eren’s arm wrapped loosely around his waist.  Slipping from the couch, Levi holds his breath, trying not to wake Eren as he makes his way to the bathroom.  The tiled floor is cool against his socks, the reality of it shaking him awake, pushing the air from him, making him pant into the silence.  Splashing cold water on his face, he stares into the sink, holds on to the vision of the drain as his throat constricts, the memory of hands tight against his windpipe making shivers ache through his whole body.

But it’s not real.  He grips onto the edge of the sink.  It isn’t real.  Not anymore.  

Regaining some control over himself, he brushes his teeth, washes his face, buys himself time until he can look himself in the mirror, until he’s sure that his face is the only one he’ll see looking back at him.  The dark grey eyes that stare into him are heavy, clouded by nightmares, by pain, by memories, because those dark grey eyes run in his family, they connect him so firmly to memories better left forgotten.  But they are his, they are a part of him, they skirt over the tight, white skin of his neck, unmarked by the ghostly fingers of his dreams.  He is safe in Eren's apartment, he can fall back into Eren's arms, his warmth, his touch.

Crawling back onto the couch with Eren, he tries to subdue his shivering, tries to close his eyes, to fall back asleep in the warmth of Eren’s embrace, but he can’t stop himself, can't quiet his mind.  He turns in, pressing his face into Eren’s chest, feeling the tight hold of Eren’s arms as he pulls him close. “You’re shivering.”  Gravelly, low, his voice surprises Levi, filling him with apprehension, shame, inexplicable guilt.

“I’m sorry.”  He doesn’t trust his own voice, doesn’t trust himself, because all he wants is to fall into Eren, to feel only the fevered energy that comes off of his skin, to forget everything, to forget it all, at least for a little while.  “Nightmare.”  It’s all he can manage, all he can choke out.

“Do you want to talk about it?”  More steady now, closer to being firmly awake, his voice teases Levi’s ears as he resumes rubbing his fingers into Levi’s back, working goosebumps into the skin.  He shakes his head; there’s nothing to talk about, nothing to say except the truth, and that’s too much for him to handle right now.  “What can I do to help?”

“I thought I was supposed to be your distraction tonight.”  

“Caring for you is the best distraction.”  His lips grace the top of Levi’s head, fingers brushing against the skin of his neck.  “Just tell me what you need.”

“You.”  The word escapes him so quickly, filled with desperation, with so much heat, so much want, so much desire that it actually _hurts_ , it actually aches through him, throbbing at every point of contact between them.  “Please.”  He fists Eren’s shirt between his fingers, holds his breath, because what if it’s too much to ask, what if he’s too much, but Eren instructs him to go to his room, to wait for him, to let him take care of it.

Staring down at Eren's made bed, Levi tries to restore some stability to his thoughts, swaying a little on his feet. But his head is a dangerous place, fuzzy and numbing, like he might still be dreaming, like if he turns the corner he could run into Kenny, like if he makes the wrong move he'll be caught by the arm, forced to stare into the darkness surrounding those blackened eyes. The room is so dark, so quiet, so...empty. It feels so unfamiliar, so cold as there is movement around him, the soft light of the lamp being turned on, the padding of soft steps behind him. It could be anyone in this menacing air, like he could turn and take his pick of the shadowy figures of his past to see, their memories looming over him, so he doesn't look, just glares at the blue fabric of the blanket. But it isn't any of those dark memories, not one of the deep seeded thoughts that aches in the back of his mind. It's Eren. It's Eren turning him to face the warmth of his embrace. It's Eren pulling him close, wrapping him in the strength of his arms, bringing reality back to Levi with just a touch, crashing awareness over the man with just the weight of a kiss. Another one of those indecipherable kisses, one Levi was aching to feel again, begging to understand. But there is no understanding in this moment, there is only feeling, only the shivers that crawl up his spine as Eren parts his lips, pulling him close, pulling him in, drowning him in light, immersing him in warmth.

The switch Levi expects to happen doesn't, the intensity doesn't wane for a second, the kiss burning hot inside him as he pulls Eren into him, moving back until he is between Eren and the wall, pinned exactly where he wants to be. His fingers tangle in the fabric around Eren's waist, wanting to rip it away, wanting to feel the touch of his skin, to feel himself eclipsed by Eren's light, to give in, to give up, to give himself fully to Eren as he drowns in the brush of their lips, the crash of their tongues, the weight of Eren's hands around his face.

"Just forget."

Eren whispers against his lips, the release from the kiss shocking Levi's body, need shaking in his fingertips.

"Forget whatever made its way into your dreams."

Levi's shirt is stretched below his collarbones as Eren leaves kisses down his neck, fingers brushing the skin. He presses his weight into the door, fearing he might fall over.

"Just be here."

Leaning back, Eren pulls the shirt off of his back with a soft whir of fabric against skin, the sound alone is intoxicating, the outline of Eren's body against the dark corners of his room keeping Levi's attention here in the light.

"Let me distract you."

And Levi is alleviated from his clothes, they fall haphazardly to the floor and Eren drags him to bed, pulling Levi onto his naked body as he sits on the edge of the mattress. Levi wraps around him, receiving kisses on his chest as Eren's lips stumble against him.

"Just forget."

But that shadow is part of what makes Eren's touch so enticing, the hurt is part of what makes Eren so good. Still, he does what Eren asks, he closes his eyes to the darkness untouched by Eren's light, pushes away the memories of Kenny, of Farlan, of the way their touch felt against his skin, the way they bruised him. Once Eren starts his work on Levi he is incapable of grasping onto the thought anyway. Nothing can get past Eren. Nothing can breach the hold he has over Levi's body, the pureness of each touch, the lust laced in his tongue as it teases his skin. Levi's mind defaults to Eren, to pleasure, to care and pressure and warmth.

Eren moves only to get a rise out Levi, sliding his hands slowly up either side of Levi's back, dampened with sweat. Levi bends to his touch, shivers racking through him as Eren's fingers run back down Levi's back before he wraps around him, turning so Eren is pressing Levi into the mattress, tearing the comforter from the sheets beneath him.

Maybe it's the effects of sleep on his body, maybe it's something else. But every touch tingles against his skin. Every kiss makes his chest flutter. His body is drowsy and mind is awake and every breath that shudders through him is racked with desire, laced with need, punctuated by a soft moan. Eren works him over, every inch, willing to go until the unbelievable pleasure of such simple touches no longer incapacitate Levi.

Although his mind doesn't recognize it, distracted by Eren, his body remembers every touch. His skin holds the memory of every bruise beneath the surface, the muscles can recall every tear, the bones remodeled around every break. This is unavoidable. He doesn't have to tell Eren where to touch, where to graze, where to kiss to reach those places because his body has been broken time and time again, every inch begging for attention, so those knowing hands don't have to search long on Levi's body to find a place that will grace the man with pleasure, a place tainted and tortured by his past.

It begins at the top of his head as Eren laces his fingers into Levi's hair, gently tugging the strands, tipping Levi's head back. The touch is gentle, warm, and it incites a gasp from Levi's chest into the air between them as it erases a piece of the past, taking away the threat of Kenny's cold hand rubbing on the dark strands when he first took him in. Fingertips run along the uneven skin beneath his hair, the raised scars brought on by the sharp edges of the glass coffee table, the way it felt to be suspended in midair as he fell into it, propelled by a short push to the shoulder, the way it matted his already dark hair completely black against his head, the bloodied shards scattered across the floor, the way the teachers at school called him clumsy.  

Eren's lips grace Levi's left eye, the cool metal of the lip ring touching his soft, closed lid, the weight of Eren's thumb brushing the corner of Levi's right eyebrow, moving easily over the scarring hidden by dark, thick hairs, softly easing the tissue that bled more than once down into his eye, soft and sweet and cushioned compared to the harsh metal of Kenny's ring that cut into the skin there countless times. Dark pink lips move across the ghost of dozens of blackened eyes, kissing either side of Levi's nose, crooked from a particularly hard shove into his bedroom door.

Next their lips meet, those pretty little lips that Levi couldn't keep shut. The lips he got from his mother, with the attitude to match. The lips that were slapped red and bloodied for speaking up, lips that were squeezed into a pucker by one of Kenny's creep friends more than once when he was supposed to be learning to stand up for himself. Sighing into Eren's mouth, Levi relaxes into the kiss, his entire body giving in to the warmth as their tongues mold together, their breaths dancing across each other's faces.

He tips his head back to receive Eren's kiss as he drags his tongue along Levi's jawline, lips caressing the soft, sensitive skin of Levi's neck. Eren leaves little hickeys all over the skin there, little pink and red spots to turn blue and purple for Levi to marvel at in the mirror tomorrow. He sinks his teeth into the expanse of Levi's shoulders, and a sharp breath racks through him, reveling in the pain, because this pain is better than any he has ever felt here, more sweet, more sensual than the hard hold of Kenny's hands, softer than the touches that left dark purple, finger-shaped marks across Levi's neck. Teasing the soft pink of Levi's hardened nipples, Eren sucks the skin of Levi's collar bones, nibbling and biting and holding until it's almost too much, until it's almost overwhelming, and then pressing his warm, wet lips softly into the space and easing the pain.

It's something Farlan could never do, not after Levi finally admitted to the abuse of his uncle. It was his promise to never leave a mark on Levi's body, not a single one, even when Levi begged and pleaded to be bitten, kissed, loved until his skin was raw and his muscles sore. He just left layered kisses over old scars. Farlan couldn't deliver, but Eren is relentless in it.

Eren is ceaseless as he kisses down Levi's sternum, hands running down Levi's ribs, sending goosebumps across his skin. Feeling Eren's fingertips against every rib beneath his skin, Levi arches his back, head pressing into the mattress as the fractures pressed into him by Kenny's boot are tickled by Eren's touch. Wrapping his mouth around Levi's hardened cock, Eren groans, the vibrations running through Levi's every bone, reverberating through his muscles, shaking through his tendons, echoing through his own moans.

Those perfect fingers run up the insides of Levi's thighs, tingling tendrils of goosebumps all along his legs. He grabs the soft skin behind Levi's knees, bending them up to accompany his body as he grabs Levi's cock in his hand, hovering over the older man's writhing body. Eren leans into him and Levi pushes his palm into Eren's chest to brace himself, digging his fingernails into the flesh. Grabbing Levi's hand in his, fingertips brushing his palm, Eren leaves kisses on every knuckle previously painted with bruises, spattered with blood, swollen to the touch. Turning Levi's wrist, Eren kisses up the inside of his arm, lips leaving a trail of wet marks on the gentle space of Levi's wrist, tickling and teasing the scarred skin just below his elbow given to him after a generously nasty break that required surgery, a punishment for being sent home from school.

Leaning into Levi, Eren bends over him, nuzzling his face into the older man’s neck, pressing kisses into the skin, lips brush along the side of Levi’s ear, sensitive, slow, brushing the barely visible scar along his earlobe caused by a tear in the flesh in a pointless locker room fight.  The way anger surged through him when he decided becoming a little bit like Kenny was better than watching an underclassmen get pummeled, the way he backed down at the last second, receiving a blow powerful enough to rip the earring from the lobe, the way it sends tingles across his body as Eren holds it between his teeth.

Eren's breath teases him, whispering softly against his skin, but Levi can't hear anything over the pounding of his heart against his ribcage, the heated breaths from his chest, the throbbing of his every nerve ending. The feeling...the trembling of his body, the need coursing through him, it's dizzying, and he tries to shake himself back into the moment, into Eren's words, into the breathy moans that escape those perfect lips. "...I don't really understand it." Levi focuses on the voice that has pulled him out of the darkness so many times. "How I managed to get to be this close to you..." The voice that has shone so much light on him. "How I am this...lucky..." The voice that never ceases to wake him up from that daydream, never ceases to show him that reality is better, being here with that voice is better.

The words grace his ears, wrapping around his every brain cell, rewriting every learned word, every nasty comment, replacing the yelling, the screaming, the fighting with warm words whispered against the pillow, with genuine attraction, with breathy moans and broken gasps. Levi's body relearns pleasure, brain remaking connections. He forgets everything but Eren, the pressure of Eren's body, the hold of Eren's hand around his cock, the way he's gotten him so worked up, so beyond control, so beyond turning back, the swell of his heart in his chest. It's all too much as Levi gasps out, the moan punctuating his orgasm being taken by Eren's kiss.

It all seems so surreal when Eren leaves him limp and panting in the sheets as he moves to clean up Levi and shuffle through the nightstand. This can't be real. This can't be...it's too good...too perfect. Eren's body indents the mattress around Levi, the air around them is electric and Levi tears his eyes open to take in the younger man hovering over him. He needs to see it with his own eyes, needs to be enveloped in green, and that's exactly what he gets. Fiery heat comes from behind those dark pupils, shining through the disheveled, brown hair that lays across his forehead. He is everything in this moment. He is everything.

There is nothing else in this world that could convince him that he is worthy of the way Eren treats him, the way those long fingers dance across his skin gentle, firm, searching only to deliver a dizzying pleasure, the way Eren leans into the kiss, lips and tongue transferring ceaseless, stunning energy, Eren's every movement breaks through. Endless waves of shivers rack across Levi's body when Eren positions his leg, hooking it around the warmth of the younger man's hip, goosebumps raising over every inch of uncovered skin.

Levi's whole body relaxes when Eren finally sinks his fingers into him, a cracked sigh shivering from his chest. Limbs heavy, he fights to reach up to Eren's neck, wrapping his fingertips into the soft hair at the back of his head just to see the way Eren leans into the touch, just to see that this is real. He is awake, he is alive, and his mind his clear though his body is muddled with so much pleasure, heavy with sleep, held down by weights and chains formed after years of mishandling. Just the brush of that swollen spot within him has Levi aching for more, an undignified moan perched on his lips as his cock begins to swell again. Just the graze of Eren's palm against his face, the return of touch, it has Levi feather light, has his breathing erratic, and his arms heavy as they fall back to the bed. Gripping tight around the blankets, he bends into the mattress as Eren digs his fingers into the skin, trailing red lines down Levi's chest, across his abdomen, gently skirting over the forgotten memory of deep blue bruising, the repeated strikes that knocked the air from his lungs.

Fingers of his left hand brush the inside of Levi's left hip, touching the line of scars left by his own hand, because after years of pain, after years of repeated breaking, it just felt right to dig into himself, to remind himself of who he was. They catch Eren's attention, and although he doesn't stop the motion unraveling Levi, he can't tear his eyes away from those raised lines. It's painfully obvious, the recognition that flashes behind intense green, but he doesn't turn away, he doesn't pretend it isn't there, no. He bends down, bringing soft, plush lips to the repaired skin, his tongue brushing against the memory of a blade, warm and wet and twice as satisfying as the hot, messy, red that once pooled at the openings. He peppers the soft skin with kisses, one for each mark, each touch paired with the curled thrust of his fingers, making Levi writhe beneath him.

Soft whimpers ache from Levi's chest as Eren looks into him, their eyes meeting in the fire between them. More vulnerable than he's ever been, he is bare and defenseless now as Eren looks down on him than when Kenny laid those marks into him or when Farlan worried over them. He sighs into the energy of the air, not looking away from Eren's face, the way his eyes seem to wrap warmth around Levi's every nerve, the way he bites his lip, the way he reads Levi and breaks the chains loose from his limbs, and makes him feel...makes him feel incredible.

He doesn't want to be guarded, doesn't want to hide. Laid out before Eren, Levi shivers, undeniably unrestrained by the usual threat of his memories. His entire life is inscribed in his skin, not in words, but in every bump and bruise, in every raised scar and discolored patch, in every repaired bone beneath the surface...and there's so much more underneath, so many unseeable tears, invisible pains. Allowing Eren to look at him this way, to see the very cracks in his foundation, it's the beginning of his liberation, the start of his complete breakdown, and he wants to feel Eren breaking away at what remains. He just wants Eren to finish it, to tear him down the rest of the way.

"Eren." Breathy and barely there, Levi's voice surprises him, the words thick and heavy as they fall from his lips. Eren slows his movements, still pressing into Levi with those tantalizing fingertips, looking at Levi with unbelievable heat behind his eyes. "I need you." His body, his touch, his energy. He's said it before, but this time it sounds...different, it feels different, like he might fall apart if Eren doesn't oblige, like he might actually have to beg. He wonders if Eren feels it too, if he can hear the anxious energy in Levi's voice, if he can hear the urgency behind the words.

Without a second of hesitation Eren leans into Levi, lips brushing the sensitive skin of the older man's ear. "Say it again."

"I need you." Swallowing hard, Levi feels himself being devoured by Eren's warmth, the skin of their chests touching, the emptiness as Eren pulls out of him, the mixture of impatience and excitement watching Eren stroke lube over his cock, his mouth hanging open, lips swollen, chest flushed. "Fuck..." Wrapping his legs around Eren's hips, he tips his head back in anticipation, a moan ready to rip through him as Eren positions himself. "I...need you." It's so desperate, so helpless, so hopeful, because what the hell does it mean to need him? What does it mean to depend on Eren for a good night's sleep, for a happy moment, for a future? He can't grasp at the thought, just that it's the truth. He needs those healing hands, the way Eren seems to wash away the blood, subdue the swelling, set broken bones, relieve the pain...the almost unbearable pain of Levi's past, his failures, his shortcomings, Eren wipes it all away until it's just the two of them.

Moving with such ease, with one long thrust, Eren is buried completely inside Levi, coaxing a broken moan from the older man's lips. Reminding himself once more that this is real, that this is his chance to feel safe, to give in to being explored, Levi arches his back into the mattress as Eren works into a rhythm. His whole body tingles, the thrusts forcing waves of pleasure over his every cell. It's all just so good, so intoxicating because Eren's tender touches peel away the skin, tear away at muscle, etching deep into bared bones, flowing so easily, so completely into unprotected nerves, moving into the very core of Levi, melting away apprehension, thawing out cravings thought to be washed away.

It's like Eren's every move is a step toward reparation, like every second beneath the weight of his kiss dares to rid him of the feelings completely, like the only parts of him that will remain will be undiscovered thoughts, like looking back on those memories will only remind him of pain instead of threatening to swallow him whole. It's a pipe dream though, right? There's no telling how long the effects of Eren's touch will take to wear off, or how long he can cling to Eren’s generosity, his sensitivity to Levi's needs. If only this could last forever, if only he could ensnare Eren here, trap him in the warmth of his unfamiliar bedroom, tangle him in the sheets, trick him into staying here...staying with him.

“Ah...hah.”  Panting, his limbs are twisted, legs tossed over Eren’s shoulders, lower back lifted onto Eren’s thighs, body bent into the perfect position, receiving the length of Eren’s cock solidly and ceaselessly right into his prostate.   “Fuck…”  Biting his lip, he holds in the other obscenities perched on his tongue, rather, he can’t form words around his moans, just stuttering syllables as Eren presses relentlessly into him.  Hands pressing into the mattress on either side of Levi’s chest, Eren leans over him, showing no signs of stopping, no signs of slowing, just a pleased look on those pierced lips and a determination behind glowing green.  “Er...en.”  Shivering, his body quakes at Eren’s touch, the repetitive motions, the way he seems to slam perfectly into the spot that makes Levi want to give in, to be bled of all feeling, relieved of all worries, to be given complete and all consuming pleasure.  Managing words from his shuddering chest, Levi looks up into heated green.  “N-not yet.”  Rather than stopping his movements, Eren slows his rhythm, slamming slowly into Levi with a turn of his hips.  “I want...ahh...more.”  It’s so hard to ask for, his voice betraying him, but he needs it...more time, more heat, more of Eren’s undivided attention until Levi is completely unreachable, until he is completely desecrated and ready to be rebuilt or be abandoned in shambles.

It’s only delaying the inevitable, holding it back for a little while longer, but Eren is happy to accommodate, his dimple showing as he bites his lip before leaning in, smothering Levi with a kiss, the warmth searing Levi’s tongue as he opens his mouth to it.  Releasing his legs, Eren wraps his arms around Levi, pulling the older man with him as he falls backward onto the mattress.  It’s clumsy and silly but it doesn’t fucking matter, what matters is that Eren is smiling, laughing, running his hands up Levi’s back to pull him close, to continue their kiss, to awaken a giddy energy in Levi.  Eren’s arms envelop Levi’s body, brushing the soft skin around his spine, bending his knees to press into the older man while he’s got him unable to move.  Even when Eren releases him, Levi doesn’t break the kiss, at least not at first, grinding back onto Eren’s cock while running his hands down either side of the younger man’s face, until he’s taken the full length deep inside, coaxing a surprised moan from both of them, one that makes his face burn hot and his need grow like a fire inside him.  He isn’t going to last much longer, but he’s going to enjoy every second he has left.  Tipping his head back, he leans up with his hands wrapped around Eren’s shoulders, throwing himself back into the swollen head of his cock, holding back a groan as Eren digs his fingers into Levi’s ass cheeks.  “Oh, God.”  Levi breathes out at the realization...he’s created a monster. One that will work his fingers to the bone, one that will bare himself any and every time he needs, one that will work into the night to satisfy him, undeterred by the red numbers of the clock, untroubled by the changing colors of the early morning sky, unmoved by responsibilities, only his responsibility to Levi, to his pleasure, to his body, his mind.

The little groans that slip from Eren’s tight lips dance in Levi’s ears, coaxing him to continue, tempting him to work until Eren is completely spent, to writhe on top of him until he’s given into the burning desire behind his eyes.  Fuck…those eyes, that shining green that lures him in, tantalizing and flexing around deep black, reaching into Levi from behind heavy lids.  It’s enough to make Levi crumble beneath his own weight, enough to make this come to an early conclusion, so Levi looks up, escaping that all-encompassing gaze, sitting up straighter, perching his fingertips on Eren’s chest, using his whole body as leverage to slam back into Eren’s cock, the angle almost perfect to continuously stimulate his already swollen prostate.  Keeping the movements slow, rhythmic, Levi can get a hold of himself long enough to realize that Eren’s heart is beating hard against his ribcage, so hard that he can feel it in his fingers, feel it radiating through his palms when he presses them flat against the muscled chest, reverberating through his body, throbbing through his veins and thudding against his own heart.

Aching from him, pulsing through his entire body, desperate moans resonate in the quiet bedroom, blending with Eren’s repressed groans as Levi tosses himself slowly against Eren’s body, lagging the pace to postpone the end, reveling in every second.  Hanging his head, he pants in the space between them, lost in his movements, determined to catch his breath in the thick air.  It’s useless though, because he’s hot to the touch, sweat springing from his pores, matting his hair to his head, and the world is clouded, the room flooded with heat and water and unspoken desires, undisclosed misery, shedding fears.  It’s too much.  Too much because he's awoken the monster within himself too, the one that he buried deep inside, the one that he tucked away, frozen in time.  But Eren softened the edges, melted away the core, chipped away until it could be freed, until it could emerge.  He’s so aware of it...the neediness that surfaces, because his beast is just as unable to tire as Eren’s, just as difficult to repress, to quell, because it thrives on pleasure, feeds on persistence.  It floods his body, emptying his lungs, and he can’t breathe, but it feels so good, so right, because this time he’s chosen it.

“Hnnn...ah!  Levi…”  Head turned to the side, Eren’s short groans come out breathy, held back by his clenched jaw.  It’s enough to snap Levi from his daze, pulling him into the present, firmly holding him here with an almost shocked gasp on his lips.  Their eyes meet before Levi has a chance to conceal that monster inside him, it must look something like lust, something like unfettered need, because even as Eren holds himself back he wraps his fingers around Levi’s waist, driving him hard against his cock, unconcerned with anything but Levi’s total and utter dissolution.  

Control seems so far out of reach, so unattainable as he heaves his body onto Eren’s, leaning back and holding himself up with hands propped on Eren’s abdomen.  “Yes...nnnn.”  Each breath heaves from his lungs with an undignified groan, each noise ripping through him, making his throat raw.  Chest burning with a hot blush, knees aching, Levi is beyond reason, beyond anything aside from giving in, conceding to Eren’s touch, relinquishing control to Eren’s force.  It’s so unbearable, so satisfying, so dizzying as Eren’s thumb brushes against those scars, never losing the intensity of his movements.  “Eren...Mhmm yes.”  Every inch of his body flushes hot, red and every thought halts to the sudden rush of heat as he reaches his orgasm, the force of it tearing through him.  “Fuck...oh fuck.”  His voice is rough, depraved as he hangs his head again, digging his fingernails into Eren’s chest.  A slave to his movements, captive to the need in every encouraging moan that slips from Eren’s lips, servant to desperation, Levi forgets himself, forgets everything that’s come before, everything that’s lead them to here.  He just rocks his body into Eren’s, crashing onto his cock again and again with shaking limbs, every inch of him throbbing, aching, determined.  

There's no stopping when Eren slams his eyes shut, digging his teeth into his lip, tipping his head back.  No stopping until Eren's voice is sufficiently broken, the breathy groans forcing shivers across Levi’s skin.  “Yes! Levi…”  Until both of them are completely drained, until there's nothing left.  Until a chill racks through Levi’s spine, straightening him, forcing a final sigh into the air.  “Oh...my god.”  Delicate, quiet, Eren’s whispers dance across Levi's bare skin, gathering in his ears as he looks down at the younger man.  It all seems so dizzying, so….so fucking intoxicating. The way the dim light graces Eren's tanned skin, the way his chest gleams with sweat, spattered with cum, the way his lips, red and swollen, form broken words, his mind reaching for a sentiment, reaching for something meaningful.  “That was…”

He might have smirked at the satisfaction on Eren’s face, might have joked about him being speechless for once, but Levi is incapable of grasping at a coherent thought, unable to think of anything but the tingling of his lips, the pounding of his chest, how badly he needs Eren's heat, his energy, his kiss.  A soft whimper slips through his lips as he pulls himself off of Eren, arms shaking under his weight as he leans over, running his tongue up Eren's sternum, catching stray drops of cum and sweat and… “Mmmm.”  He can't hold in the groans that bubble up deep within him as he digs his teeth into Eren's chest, reveling in the way the younger man squirms beneath him, sighing as he lets go of the bruising skin, feeling sparks across his skin as Eren tips up his chin.  Catching the end of his breath, Levi sinks into Eren's lips, their plump warmth forcing Levi to shiver as Eren slides his fingers into his hair, brushing his face. Drowsy and heated, they kiss for a long minute, breaths heaving as Levi finally collapses onto Eren's chest, numb to the mess he's pressing into both of their skin, uncaring and unmoved because all he wants is to breathe in the sweet smell of Eren's skin, the warmth of his neck beneath his lips.

The sound of their breathing mixes in the quiet bedroom, the gravelly undertones in the timber of Eren's voice bringing a smile to Levi's lips, the words vibrating between their chests.  “We need to shower.”

No matter how true the statement is, there’s almost nothing strong enough to pull Levi from the warmth of Eren’s touch, the beat of Eren’s heart beneath his ear, the brush of fingers on his bare spine as Eren draws his hands up to the older man’s shoulders.  Smooth fingertips rest on his shoulder blades, outlining the two healed craters caused by the momentary press of a smoldering cigarette.  It’s enough to jolt Levi from his relaxed state, to disturb his calm breaths, to shake into his fingertips as he rolls off of Eren’s body.

Not quite steady on shaky limbs, Levi stumbles to his feet on his way out the room.  Trying to catch the wall, to hide his embarrassment, shield his flushed face.  Instead, he catches the crook of Eren’s arm, the solid hold of Eren’s frame, the constancy in his voice.  “I’ve got you.”  That voice lures him into the bathroom, standing to wait for the shower to warm up, that voice beckons him into the warmth of the stream, that voice gives him the strength to walk on the insecurity of his own two legs, even if it’s with a little help, that voice embraces him in the echoing space of the shower.  

Those eyes, those emerald eyes still see him, actually see him.  Eren looks down on him, taking in every drop of water that hits Levi’s skin, his scarred, damaged, blemished skin like they are lucky to touch him.  He looks down into him, into his usually cold, grey eyes and sees something more, something Levi suspected died along time ago, but it stirs now, moving deep within him, forcing him to wrap himself around Eren’s body, to take Eren into his arms, shielding his face from the spray of the water in the warmth of the younger man’s damp chest.  And Eren doesn’t pull away, doesn’t release himself from Levi’s hold, just tips the older man’s chin up to leave a long kiss on his swollen lips, to lean into him until they both forget to breathe, until they both forget everything but the heat between them, the water that graces their skin, the sound of the shower anchoring them in time.

When they finally pull apart Levi reaches for the body wash, lathering it between his fingers, rubbing suds into Eren’s tanned skin, noting every freckle, every birthmark, every vein that shows through on his chest, his arms, his stomach.  Eren just stands with his back to the water, eyes closed, lip bitten between his teeth as Levi takes both of his hands, pressing their palms together, following the length of Eren’s fingers, the burn mark on the inside of his left ring finger, the writer’s bump on the knuckle of his right middle finger.  He works back up, determined to acquaint himself with the younger man’s body, to locate something unmitigated, something purely Eren.  He turns his arms out, moving as Levi’s touch instructs, revealing a thick scar, one layered over with tiers of scar tissue, one that catches the attention of Levi’s fingertips, one that displays itself behind Eren’s quiet eyes, his unmoving lips, one created by plenty of attention by a sharp blade, one telling Levi that maybe… maybe Eren’s heart comes from a similar place.

Knowing that Eren has felt that way… it shatters the space between them, filling the air with an unreadable energy as Eren pulls Levi into the water, into his lips, holding tight around his elbows, bending into him.  Exhaustion weighs heavy on their bodies as Eren washes Levi and they rinse in the cooling water, stepping into the steamy bathroom to dry themselves.  Standing before the foggy mirror, Levi makes note of the marks across his body, the teeth imbedded in his shoulder, the uneven reddening splotches on his chest, his abdomen, the scratched pink lines running down his body.  Each mark is carefully made.  They may not be permanent on the outside, but they fall in line with every other bruise, every other scar, like they’re a part of him.  He covers them with his shirt, keeping them to himself.

Crawling into bed, Levi falls hard into the pillow, grateful that Eren is following close behind, pulling the blankets over their cooling bodies, pulling him close until Levi is strewn across Eren’s chest.  It’s quiet for a long moment, just the sound of their shuffling as they settle into comfortable positions filling the air.  “I honestly thought you were going to sleep through the night.”

“That doesn’t happen very often.”  Levi’s breath dances across Eren’s bare chest, his eyelids wanting to fall heavy over his eyes.  

“Yeah… it’s just, you usually sleep well when I’m around…”  His voice is laced with concern, the words laboring themselves from his lips.  “It was a selfish thought, that maybe...I could be the thing that lets you sleep.”

Selfish.  Selfish for wanting Levi to be comfortable, for wanting Levi to get a good night’s sleep.  Selfish for wanting Levi to rely on him, for wanting Levi to need him.  Well… he’s got Levi exactly where he wants him.  “You know what’s more important?”

“Hmm?”

Swallowing hard, closing his eyes tight to ward away the threat of the sun rising outside the window, Levi whispers against Eren’s skin.  “Being here when I wake up.”

“I can do that.”  There isn’t a second’s hesitation in his voice, not a doubt in his touch as he laces his fingers into Levi’s hair.

“Promise.”  It slips from his lips before he can stop himself, before he can censor it.  But Eren wraps his arms tight around Levi, pulling his shirt into his fingers, pressing a kiss into his forehead, easing his tired mind, calming his sated body.

“I promise.”


	8. So I'll Just Stay Awake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He waits for reality to set in, waits for the anxiety to hit him, for the darkness to creep into the corners of his vision, for the blackened memories to crawl beneath the sheets, fit into his body, seep into his bones.
> 
> Because something this good can’t last.
> 
> Right?
> 
> That’s what he’s been taught time and time again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - Mentions of childhood abuse and explicit sexual content.

A touch, warm, light, the brush of limbs beneath the weight of the covers, the stirring of the mattress as Eren closes in on him...it all seems so perfect, so indescribable, but it’s nothing compared to Eren’s quiet touch that brings him gently into the waking world. The curve of their knees, close pressed thighs, the way Eren tucks his arm beneath Levi’s pillow, shifting the blanket over the the warmth of their bodies, blocking out the sunlight that prys at Levi’s eyelids, blocking out the chill of the room, until it’s just them, just the two of them and the spark of Eren’s bare stomach against Levi’s lower back, the hardly noticeable groan in Levi’s chest, the feather-light touches of Eren’s fingertips just barely distracting from the stiffness of his cock barely an inch from Levi’s ass. Trailing his fingers up and under the fabric of his shirt, inching over the soft skin, tracing up the length of Levi's spine, Eren awakens goosebumps across the older man's skin, prompts shivers through his aching muscles, incites another groan from his chest. The safety of their little world in the folds of the sheets invites Levi in, but he still drifts between waking and sleeping, settling into the feeling of Eren exploring his skin, reveling in the way those long fingers spread across the tight skin, relieving the soreness, replacing it with heat, with heavy energy. 

Avoiding the thought of how hard his heart is pounding in his chest, rejecting the anxiety beginning to reach across his body, an unsettled energy drifts into Levi’s head as Eren’s knowing hands drift higher, closer to the cluster of burn marks brought on by a more than careless cigarette on Levi’s shoulder blade. His drowsy body unknowingly takes pleasure in the touch, waiting, hoping that Eren will grace the scars with his fingers, draw circles around the empty memory, rewrite pain into the thought of warm lips against his skin...but his ribs hug tight around his heavy chest, lungs burning, begging him to take a breath as the events of the night before begin to unfold in his head...and the intent behind Eren’s touch, the shuddered breath from his chest dancing across Levi’s bare neck, it seem so apparent, so obvious as Levi opens his eyes. The guilt weighs into him as he takes in the view of Eren’s bedroom, sends ice into his veins as Eren speaks against his skin. 

“Levi…” 

Palm sliding up and over those scars, Eren covers them in a pleasant heat, and they are so far from view, shielded by his hand, by Levi’s shirt, but Eren has seen them before, he’s seen them all before. And that shouldn’t matter, but the threat of questioning holds tight around Levi’s throat, the prying, the confessions of memories better left alone...it’s just so readily available to him, so easy to drudge up in his mind, the thoughts lying barely dormant behind his eyes, threatening his composure. It’s just…the aching, the swelling, the way the blood spatters seemed to be so much more difficult to scrub off with shaky hands, the way it flooded so hot against his cool skin. It numbs him. He is utterly and completely numb to the words that dare to fall from Eren’s lips, numb to the tingling touches, and so fucking aware of the shudder that wracks through his body as he draws in a long breath awaiting the question.

Instead, Eren pulls Levi closer, eliminating the remaining space between them, pressing his forehead to the nape of the older man’s neck, speaking softly, words dancing across his skin. “You know you can trust me, right?”

And for a split second, everything is okay. For a split second, Levi is warmed by the calm demeanor of Eren’s voice, settled by the firm hold of Eren’s hand, ignorant of his admission to Eren in the safety of his touch during the night. For a split second, he remains untouched by memory, unscathed by the light pouring into the bedroom, unaware of the anxious energy making its way through him, unfamiliar with the feeling of heat on his skin as he nods his answer against the pillow.

I need you.

That’s what he said, wasn’t it? Was his voice as broken as he remembers it? Did the truth feel this heavy on his tongue when it slipped from his lips? He’s said it before, said it again and again, but this time...this time was urgent, heated, the desire, the absolute need flowed through every inch of Levi’s body, and Eren knew it, didn’t he? Tight, strained, his throat, his muscles remain tense as the thought of whispered promises against the pillow rings in his head.

I...need you.

Desperate, begging for Eren, for his touch, his kiss, his acceptance, the heat of his arms wrapped tightly around Levi, taking everything else away. He admitted his weakness… but Eren accepted it without a thought, without second guessing. He let Eren in, let him get too close, let the younger man see him at his most vulnerable, but they were disguised by the heavy dark curtain across the sky. His words were cloaked by the acceptance of the darkened bedroom, hidden from everything but the light of Eren’s touch, the energy laced in concentrated green. Only Eren was able to reach him, the darkness of his thoughts, his memories, his heart. But the sunlight wrestles itself into the sheets, splays across the bedroom walls, illuminates every inch of Levi’s body, displays the inner workings of his mind. The light tears into him, every break, every scar, every thought he resolved to keep hidden. It seems so obvious now, how Eren was so attentive, how he explored every inch of Levi’s body while he was distracted with pleasure, distracted by Eren, by Eren’s design. 

Shifting away from Eren’s touch slightly, hot red creeps across Levi’s face, embarrassed, anxious energy begging him to get away, to pull his clothes on, to hide from the light of Eren’s eyes.

Feeling like that...feeling so utterly helpless, so fucking hopeless, so completely useless, kind words don't break through, concern and worry and encouragement, they all sound like lies, like a distortion of reality. There isn't anything Eren can say to pull him out of it, nothing he can do to make Levi understand, because his headspace, his mind, it is desolate, murderous, and no heartfelt word can change that. No sweet touch could erase the memory of pain on his battered body, and that's just the truth...right? And he wouldn't let him try anyway. It’s still there, it will always be there. The bruises, the remodeled breaks, the way ice felt pressed against his blackening eye, the hope that the swelling would go down, the silent praying that the redness would subside by morning, that nobody at school would ask...the thought shivered against his skin...the pain, the agony in his muscles, his bones...the pleasure of Eren's fingertips against his skin, wrapped in his hair, the pressure of Eren’s kiss on every inch of him, the hot flick of his tongue, the utter perfection of his touch…

He swallows hard, clutching the sheets in his shaking hands... that can't be... right? He's deserved everything he's gotten thus far. The bruises, the breakups. He was never made for happiness. He doesn't deserve Eren, not after all he's done, not after all he's taken, not after this. He has escaped explanation this long, managed to stay distant, remain quiet...it would be all too easy to fall back into Eren’s hold, to give in completely, but he can’t. He can’t allow himself to get any closer, can’t bear the thought of needing someone like this, can’t bear the thought at all, because there’s no way someone like Eren could ever need him back, no way Eren’s light could reach him anyway... 

There is nothing to be said, nothing he hasn't heard already, so he does what he’s best at, he lies. To himself, to Eren, the lie forms on his lips before he can even gain control over his groggy body. “I should get going. I’ve got a meeting to prep for.” Because lying is easier, evading is just easier than facing it, and he’d do anything not to have the conversation that hides behind Eren’s lips. He’d do anything to avoid the confrontation, avoid explanation, avoid the look on Eren’s face. Because Eren can't be the one to pick up the pieces of his shattered life, his broken upbringing, his decimated confidence. He's just not worth the energy. Not worth the inevitable tears, the gentle touches, the warm smiles, the inviting green looking back at him as he pulls himself from the bed, the way Eren’s hand slips away from him. 

“You work too much.” 

“I know.” He is completely undeserving of Eren's time, his acceptance, his affections, his patience. But still, Eren looks up at him from the pillow, watching Levi dress with a careful expression, a quiet smile perched on his lips. It’s too much. He’s still here, still wanting that energy, wanting to take up his time.

Maybe...maybe Eren could need him too...maybe he could give a little more, need a little more, that would be okay, wouldn’t it? So he plants his knees in the mattress, his palm near Eren's pillow, and places two kisses on Eren's lips. The first is soft, testing the boundary, barely breaking the surface of his thoughts. The second, the weight of his body pressing into Eren's lips, parting them, delving into his tired mouth, forgetting everything else, if only for a moment. Moving the hair from Eren's forehead, he presses his lips to the warm skin. It’s too soft, too tender for someone forcing himself to leave. His heart beats heavy in his ribcage at the surprise in Eren's eyes, the anxiety in his veins, the desire to stay, to rid of his clothes, to crawl back beneath the sheets, to fold himself in Eren's arms, to give up, give in.

But he won't allow himself the thought, he forces himself to pull away, to retreat from happiness, because that's just better for him, better for Eren...because this neediness, this monster that has taken control of Levi’s head, he so sure that he'd eat Eren alive, that he'd ruin every fucking thing that man has accomplished, destroy his dreams, destroy his future. He'd be the absolute end of Eren. Levi has been so selfish, so greedy in thinking he could have something good, because he has been embarrassed, vulnerable, stupid, and he doesn't even know why. He just wants to hide, to get away, because he's gotten too close, too close to being involved, to being found out, too close...and the more he bears himself to Eren, the more he lets Eren see what's inside, the more it will hurt when Eren realizes he wants nothing to do with it...nothing to do with him. It will just tear new scars into him, ones that will never heal over...

Because this is the first time he's felt wanted, the first time he's really, truly wanted someone since Farlan. But it's more than that. It's more than Farlan, it's more than being wanted, more than being desired, it's wanting to be understood, wanting to be...someone’s everything. And that's a terrifying thought, one that tears at his chest, tightens around his throat, brings tension to his every muscle.

If they continue on...they'll both be destroyed. Levi will rip them both apart. He’ll leave nothing of Eren. If they stop now...if they stop now, it might just break him completely. It might just destroy him... but the destruction of just him right now is better than hurting Eren later on. He can't do it to Eren. He can't hurt him any further. It has to stop now.

It's the right thing to do...right? Cut him loose. Stop weighing him down. It's the right thing to do...so why does it hurt so badly? Why does saying goodbye make his heart ache, even when it’s just for the day? Even when it’s only temporary? Why does leaving Eren alone in that bed make his chest feel like it might cave under the pressure? Why does walking out of Eren's bedroom make him want to collapse? Why does turning his back on Eren make his heart feel like fire, his skin feel ice cold, his entire body feel numb and achy at the same time?

It hurts...it fucking hurts...because this is the first thing that's felt good in so long, the first thing he's looked forward to... the first time he's felt happy. It hurts because he's become so accustomed to that smile, he's become enthralled with the idea of being able to see Eren whenever he's alone, whenever he's upset, so accustomed to being near him...he's become so needy, so selfish, thinking he can have Eren only when it's convenient for him, when it's good for him. He's using Eren...he's using him. He can convince himself of that fact...because if he doesn’t, there will be nothing left.

So he pushes himself out the door of Eren’s apartment, grateful that he doesn’t run into Armin. He pushes himself home, away, far away from the confusion behind Eren’s every move, away from the intoxicating look in those green eyes. If he can just get away...just slow his thoughts, his heartbeat, his breathing for just a moment, maybe he can think this through, maybe he can pull himself together.

He keeps trying...he keeps trying to do just that, to pull himself together, but the emptiness of his apartment weighed heavy on him throughout the day, the loneliness of his own company, it’s all just the same. It’s all the same as before he met Eren, before he felt the comfort of green looking back at him...right? No. It’s worse. It’s so much worse. Because every time he turns around he expects Eren to be there. Every time he has a passing thought there’s something hidden in the background. He can’t handle it on his own anymore...he’s become weak. Every memory, every scar, every thought, they weaken him, so what’s so wrong with finding a little comfort, a little company, with someone that cares? He could care, couldn’t he? He could need Levi too, couldn’t he? It’s enough to hope for, enough to push Levi through the dreadful Monday of work, enough to get him to class, to get him back to Eren. Just the thought is enough. He can give a little. He can pull back a little bit of his careful actions, he can let go a little bit. Right? 

It won’t hurt too much, will it? 

It won’t bury him completely, will it? 

 

Breeze biting at his fingertips, fluttering up the inside of his sleeves, Levi feels the chill of the mid-November evening against his skin, the way it pushes sharp against his back. It feels right. Like he belongs here standing on the cold sidewalk outside the main academics building beneath the cloudy, darkened sky. Like looking up into the light of the third story windows as the icy wind brings color to his cheeks, feeling the cold, feeling the emptiness, well it suits him better than the warmth he'll receive when he walks through the doors, better than the heat from the cups in his palms, better than the kind smile he knows will be perched on Eren's lips...because he is as cold as the wind that carries the promise of winter, as unyielding as the ground beneath him.

Still, he pushes through the doors, a rush of warm air blows his hair back, moving it out of place, but Levi doesn't think about it, doesn't have the mind to care. He just moves in the crowded chatter of the hallway, pulling the cups to his chest, making sure they don't spill as he climbs the busy staircase. His thoughts are everywhere, moving too quickly to grasp, too elusive, just the worry shaking in his fingertips, the dizziness rooted in his gut, and the emptiness of his heavy chest keeping him grounded.

It shouldn't be this hard, shouldn't be this difficult, but it is. All he wants is to walk into an almost empty classroom, to have his eyes meet with that shining green, to be invited in with that intoxicating smile, that presence that seems to weaken his very core. It probably won't happen. That's just the reality of it. There will come a day that Eren realizes he's made an inexcusable mistake, that he wants out, and Levi will no longer be greeted by that smile, that all-encompassing energy, that incredible warmth. Today could be that day. But what more can he expect? Eren won't wait forever, no matter how badly Levi wants him to. Eren won’t wait if Levi keeps walking out.

Then why the hell did he get Eren hot chocolate when he stopped for tea? Why the hell did he show up early to class to spend a little more time alone with Eren? Why does he keep inching forward toward Eren when the heavy weight in his chest just yells at him to stay back, retreat? Because he doesn't want to stop...he doesn't want to walk away. He wants to feel himself giving in. He wants to fold into Eren's embrace, to dive into his heat, to drown in his kiss, submerge in his touch.

He can't stop.

Not because he's tired of being alone, not because Eren makes the pain less intrusive, but because Eren invades his every thought. Eren brings a chill to his body, a twist to his stomach. Eren is the last thing standing between him and his utter misery, and they both know it.

Visible through the little window in the door, the classroom is almost empty, just the form of Eren's body bent over his desk with his head in his hands. Levi enters quietly, moving closer to the silent young man's frame. Jacket draped over his shoulders, scarf still wrapped loosely around his neck, Eren slides his hands from his head, down his arms and crossing them gently in front of him, a soft smile gracing those lips, curling around his lip ring, reaching out to Levi without even trying. The heavy pounding of his heart drives him to his desk beside Eren, crashing against his ears in the silence. He can feel Eren's eyes on him as the younger man rests his head on his arms, can feel the shakiness in his fingers as he places the cup of cocoa he bought for Eren next to him on the desk.

"What's this for?" Eren smiles a little brighter, straightening his back and cupping his hands around the cup to soak the warmth into his palms. It’s such a simple movement, such an innocent touch, and it pulls Levi in, it begs him to get closer, to be the one at the other end of Eren’s attentive fingers.

Hanging his coat across the back of the chair, Levi doesn't make eye contact with Eren, tries not to look at him. "To apologize." He turns to Eren now, watching him turn his head to the side, his eyebrows arching up behind the hairs on his forehead.

"For?" Bringing the cup to his lips, he takes a sip, testing the temperature, he closes his eyes softly, tipping his head back. It's so endearing, so unfair.

For being indecisive, being selfish, being an ass. "For being me." The words hang heavy between them as he sits down. It isn't enough, it will never be enough, because no apology will fix what he's done, what he's going to do.

"I happen to like the way you are." And Eren takes the weight without even trying, makes Levi's heart feel heavy in his empty chest without even thinking twice, makes Levi turn away.

"For the parts you don't like then." Reaching across the space between them, Eren's fingers wrap around Levi's arm where it lie on the desk, bringing and unbelievable warmth to his skin beneath his sweater. It stretches out beneath his clothes, awaking his every nerve, pulling his gaze back to Eren's face. Only breathing fills the air, punctuated by the clock ticking at the front of the room, and Levi's eyes trace the hot blush of Eren's cheeks, the uncharacteristically pale skin of his neck, the energy low behind drained green. He's never seen Eren like this, so he turns his body to him, moving to touch his face until the click of the door makes both of them pull their arms away, holding their cups instead as the student finds a spot and pushes her earbuds into her ears. "Are you feeling alright?" He talks into his cup, not looking to Eren until he's sure the girl isn't watching.

"At first it thought it was a sinus headache..." Looking even more tired now that he's further away, Eren's eyes look watery and tired as he closes them and hangs his head. "But now I’m thinking it’s a migraine.”

"Are you going to make it through class?" The question falls heavy from Levi’s lips, because he doesn’t want Eren to go, but he doesn’t want to see Eren suffer.

"It's only three hours...I can manage." It looks like a lie, looks like Eren is about ready to collapse into himself, but Levi sits quietly beside him as people enter and six o'clock nears, watching as Eren hold his hands over his ears, desperately trying to block out the noise of their talking. He's torturing himself, pulling himself apart, and for what?

Throwing his jacket over his elbow and scooping both of their bags from the floor into his arms, Levi presses a gentle finger into Eren's shoulder, just enough to get him to look up. "Come with me." Confusion flashes behind Eren's eyes, but he stands on shaky limbs and follows Levi as he exits the room, trying desperately to ignore the chatter around them. He follows until Levi finds a quiet part of the hallway and sits when Levi points to a bench, hanging his head in his hands as Levi sets their stuff beside him. 

"Hey." It's barely a whisper, barely a sound as he tips Eren's chin up without resistance, looking into those pained green eyes, brushing the hair from Eren's forehead with one hand and then touching the back of his fingers against the skin, feeling the heat and turning his hand to press his palm into it. "You're burning up." His palms move to cup Eren's heavy head in his hands, wanting to take him into his arms, to take away the pain. The movement sparks a memory in his fingertips, the thought of his mother with her hands holding his tear-stained face, wiping away the tears, pulling him into her, promising to take care of him...why now? He swallows hard, trying to get the feeling to erase itself from his body, looking into Eren's eyes. Betraying him, his voice trembles a little, unsteady as he speaks. "Why did you come to school if you were feeling this badly?"

"I needed to see you."

He blinks, but he doesn't turn away, he can't, he can't turn from the pain in those eyes. "Why didn't you just ask?"

"It's not like you give me much of a chance." Shaking himself from Levi's hold, Eren holds his head in his hands, digging his fingers into his hair, roughly pressing them into his scalp. "I don’t really understand it." Eren pulling away, that's new, it makes Levi's stomach drop, makes his chest feel heavy and tight. "It's like you don't want to see me until you have to." The distance between them seems so definite, so empty, filled only with the uneasy words spilling from Eren’s lips. “But then you’re interested. Then you want to come over.”

"That's..." Levi's hands fall listlessly to his sides. "That's not it at all." Eren doesn't move to look up, just falls further into himself, hunching his shoulders. He came to see Levi. He came because he needed to see him… needed him. "Eren, I..." He looks down the hallway, sighing heavily. He can give a little, he can give a little without falling apart, can't he? "I don't want to burden you." He can be truthful without spilling everything, can't he? "But every time I see you, you just end up taking care of me."

Falling from his head, Eren's hand reaches out for Levi, searching for connection, so Levi places his hand in Eren's, hoping he can't hear the loud thud of his heart against his chest. "Being with the person you..." Eren swallows hard, looking up at Levi. "...it's not a burden." He squeezes Levi's fingers, looking directly into Levi's gaze. "You're not a burden. No matter what, Levi." The way he says his name brings a dizziness to Levi's entire body, his limbs feeling heavy, too heavy for his body to bear. "Besides, if you thought I was sick enough to miss class, you wouldn't come over."

"You don't know that." Levi slips his hand from Eren's grasp, tugging on his jacket and pulling their bags over his shoulders, feeling the anxious energy move across his skin as Eren watches him. "I can't very well send you home knowing that Armin is in class late." He holds his hand out to Eren, trying not to decipher the hurt behind his eyes, the pain Levi caused, the pain of his own body fighting against him.

"What?" He lays his hand into Levi's, standing tall beside him.

"I'm taking you home with me." Levi takes a few steps toward the stairs, but Eren doesn't move, just lets their arms stretch out between them, prompting Levi to turn, to meet his eyes. "Let me take care of you for once." It's enough for Eren to follow, to be lead down the stairs, out into the icy air.

His heart is pounding and his ears are ringing because this doesn't feel real. He's leading Eren by the hand to his car, taking him home, and it doesn't feel real. The air is cool and sharp and intense against his bare face, biting at his hand that holds Eren close behind, the warmth seeping into his skin. The only sound is their footsteps over the buzz of the building's heating units, the occasional brush of leaves against the sidewalks. Nothing matters but getting Eren home, getting him tucked into Levi's bed, getting him happy again, hiding him away from the pain.

Every moment in the car makes the nerves in Levi’s body shake in his fingertips. Gripping the steering wheel, he finds himself sighing into the lonely air, checking the rearview mirror every other minute to see if Eren is still following close behind. He’s never seen Eren so run down, so worn out, but he was so insistent, so bent on driving himself, on not making Levi take him back in the morning. Every minute apart only fuels the tension across Levi’s shoulders, the doubt in the back of his head, and only one thought presses in his mind, getting home, getting Eren home.

The apartment is quiet as they enter, and Levi throws everything on the floor to pull Eren's jacket off, to push him to the bedroom. If only he was this forward when they were intimate...he pushes the thought away, pulling back the covers and ridding Eren of his jeans, tucking the shivering man into the blankets, giving him medication and leaving him in the darkened room to tidy up the living room, to give the pills time to take some effect, to pace across the carpeting.

Looking out over the road, Levi stands at his living room window with a chill settling in over his body. It’s strange, the way the darkness takes over the world so early in the evening, the way it competes with the street lights, the headlights of passing cars, the dwindling moon. Shifting his weight, the movement of his reflection in the glass catches his eye, turns his attention toward himself, toward the look behind the grey of his eyes, the nervous energy buried deep inside black pupils. Averting his gaze, away from the flex of his irises, away from the scrutiny of those eyes, his mother’s eyes...why is her memory so close today? Why does she feel so near?

Turning from the window he grabs a book from his shelf, tucking it beneath his arm. Wetting a washcloth in cool water, he makes his way back to Eren, folding the fabric in thirds. Only the light from the rising moon illuminates the room, and the air is warm, heated from Eren’s fever, his tossing and turning. Wincing a little as Levi turns him, Eren falls to his back, a sigh on his lips as the cool washcloth is placed across his sweaty forehead. Levi places his book on the bedside table with a soft thud, leaving the lights off as he pulls on pajamas, tripping over himself in the dark, and pulls down the remainder of the blanket that hasn’t been ruffled from Eren’s movement. Crawling in, tucking bare feet into the sheets, Levi sits up against his headboard, but the lights remain untouched as he looks down at Eren’s restless form. 

What would his mother do in this situation? What did she always do when he would crawl into her bed after she had tucked him in? “I can't sleep, mama.” She'd set her papers aside, closing the cap over her pen, trading the grade book in her lap for little Levi in his flannel pajamas. Even when he was too big for her lap, she let him lay his head on her leg, running her hand through his hair, rubbing his back, coaxing him into sleep.

But Eren is a grown man, not a child. He squirms beneath the sheets, muscles tight as he clenches his jaw. He's hurting, and if Levi can give him just a little relief, that would be enough. “Hey.” His voice is a whisper, almost masked by the breaths heaving from Eren's chest. “Come here.” Levi guides the younger man closer, grateful that Eren moves on his own, turning and laying his cheek against Levi's thigh. Adjusting the washcloth on Eren's forehead, Levi runs the fingers of his right hand into the younger man's thick brown hair, turning circles into his scalp. He runs the thumb of his left hand down Eren's face, pressing gently into his jaw until it loosens and a sigh forms on Eren's lips. He doesn't stop even as Eren's body turns slack against him, muscles losing rigidity as he relaxes, head sinking easily into Levi's thigh as he works his fingertips into the hairline on the back of Eren's head, feeling the goosebumps raise on the younger man's skin every time he runs them back down the nape of his neck. Letting the movements carry him, mesmerized by the sway of his body as he rubs little circles of comfort into Eren’s scalp, across his skin, against his tension, Levi lets out a long breath into the air as Eren stirs gently on his leg.

“Who took care of you?” His voice is quiet, but it startles Levi’s relaxed form, convinced by the silence of the past few moments that Eren had escaped the pain and fallen asleep.

Resuming the movement of his hands, running his fingers gently through Eren’s hair, he realizes he wasn’t really listening. “Hmm?”

“When you were sick as a kid.” 

“You should be resting, Eren.” His voice comes out as scolding, too harsh for the delicate energy of the room, too defensive for the space they’ve created between the sheets, too guarded, because he wants to avert the attention, to erase the question, but he can’t, he can’t go back.

He can’t go back, because the voice, the small word that creaks from Eren’s throat, it outlines the importance, it begs for answers, begs for entrance. “Please.”

A sigh passes his lips, releasing the air from his chest. It’s just one piece. Just one little piece of his past. It won’t bury him. It won’t. “My mother.”

Shifting against Levi’s leg, a pleased sound reverberates through Eren’s body, low, and soft in the warmth of the bed. “What’s she like?”

It seems so innocent, such a simple question, but it sends a shiver through Levi, one that shakes his fingertips against Eren’s skin. “She was a lot like me, I think.” It’s so hard to remember. So hard to think past everything else that happened after she was long gone. Eren’s breathing stops for a moment, his hand pulling the fabric of Levi’s pajamas into his fist, but he says nothing. Levi swallows before continuing, she was like him, wasn’t she? “She worked a lot, took it very seriously.” But always had time for Levi, always read for him before bed, took him to her school on his days off. “Neat. Tidy.” Only the few details he forced to stay come back to him now. She had a wicked glare that would quiet anyone, but a feather-light touch, a peaceful voice, a warm demeanor, she was a sweetheart with jet black hair and muted blue eyes. She sung while she cooked, smiled to everyone on the street, she was not at all like Levi is now. Maybe that's how he could've been if he had just a little more time with her. Just one more year, one more season, one more day. “But she was fun, very talkative.” Come to think of it, so was he, but he was just a kid then. He had yet to be taught the value of being quiet, the importance of hiding away, the advantages to keeping his mouth shut. 

Leaning heavily into the headboard, Levi closes his eyes, feeling the pounding of his heart in his fingertips against Eren’s skin, listening to the quiet of the apartment. She loved with everything she had, gave her all with her students, with Levi. She taught him love, taught him compassion. She left him. Left him as a shell, the spitting image of her save from a few scars, left him to unlearn every lesson she worked so hard to teach him.

“Levi…” Eren’s breath is hot against his leg, heavy, shaking from his chest. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know…” The way his lips turn down around his words, the way he holds Levi’s pants tight in his fingers, it makes Levi’s throat tight as he swallows. Of course he didn’t know. He couldn’t know. Levi never told him. So why apologize? Why does Eren bite his lip? Why does the tension in his muscles return beneath Levi’s touch? 

“It’s been a long time.” Voice barely a whisper, thoughts barely a dull roar, Levi slides his body down beside Eren, both of their heads landing on his pillow. Their legs twist together, melding into a warm pile of limbs as Levi pulls the covers over them, returning his fingers to Eren’s hair, pressing his other hand to Eren’s chest, feeling the slow pounding of his heart beneath his palm. Questions form behind Eren’s lips, their dark pink barely visible in the strands of light that crawl into Levi’s room through the window, but he doesn’t say anything, just settles into Levi’s hold. “She would’ve loved you.” The words slip from him without a second thought, the desire to see the hint of a smile on those lips is the only thing he cares about, not about divulging too much, not about admitting anything, just about Eren and the smile that could bring Levi back from the dead.

“Why?”

It isn’t a hard answer. It isn’t even hard to come by. The answer pops in his head before he even starts to think about it, but the words hang on his tongue for a long moment before he releases them into the quiet safety of the darkness. “Because you make me happy.”

There it is. The edges of his mouth turn up into a smile, but he tries to subdue it by sinking his teeth into his bottom lip, tries to hide his happiness, tries to say something in return, but Levi’s face is already bright red, his heart is already beating halfway out of his chest, he can’t handle any more, not tonight, so when Eren opens his mouth to speak, Levi blocks the words with his lips, fills Eren’s mouth with his tongue, he drags the younger man into him, pulls the fabric of his shirt, presses the back of his head with gentle fingertips. They stay like that for a long moment, unbearably close, and Eren defaults to Levi's hold, obeys his touch, it's so strange, having him weakened, having him compliant. It's dizzying, completely intoxicating when Levi finally pulls away, wraps his arms around the fevered man beside him.

The book never leaves the bedside table, the light never gets turned on, the two of them remain tangled, taking up a fraction of the mattress as the world turns outside the window. He runs his fingers through Eren's hair until he wears himself out, waits in the darkness for sleep to meet him, but he can't subdue the giddiness in his stomach, the heavy pounding of his heart in his chest. It’s so peaceful, so calming to feel the heaving of Eren’s chest, the quiet mumbling in his sleep. But he waits for reality to set in, waits for the anxiety to hit him, for the darkness to creep into the corners of his vision, for the blackened memories to crawl beneath the sheets, fit into his body, seep into his bones.

Because something this good can’t last.

Right?

That’s what he’s been taught time and time again. 

But Eren shifts a little in his sleep, turns on his back, dragging Levi with him, letting the older man sink into his chest. He wraps his arms around Levi, lets his light make its way into the nerve endings, blocks out the chill of the November night, denying the darkness access into Levi’s heart. When he speaks, Levi can feel the words reverberating through Eren’s chest, spreading through his body, but it’s muffled by the sound of their hearts beating in his ears, suppressed by the drowsiness that settles over Levi’s body as he finally gives in to the warmth and the waking world slips from between his fingertips.

 

Barely breaking through the heavy blanket of sleep that weighs against Levi’s body, Eren shifts his body before settling with his back against Levi’s chest. His fingers shake as he stretches them beneath the pillow, his arm tucked under Eren’s neck, but he doesn’t open his eyes, just lets the sleepy energy keep its hold over him, lets it drag him back into a dream accented by warm touches, the pressure of lips against his palm, kisses trailing up his arm…

Better than a dream, better than a fantasy, Levi opens his eyes to watch Eren turn to his stomach, to watch Eren’s lips press damp kisses into his palm, his wrist, the junction of his elbow, to be taken in as Eren props himself up on his elbows. Looking down into Levi with sleepy eyes and a groggy smile, he leans in and kisses Levi’s upper arm just where the sleeve of his shirt stops. The kisses are soft, tingling lightly against Levi’s skin, sparking excitement in his chest, but it’s nothing like the pounding of his heart against his ribcage when Eren looks into him again, because this time half-lidded green reaches for him, holds him in place, and Eren’s tongue swipes across his lip. Feral energy wells up behind those eyes, and something tells Levi that he’s about to be devoured, to be completely taken over, and there’s nothing he can do about it. 

He wouldn’t want to escape it, even if he could, because he is utterly dazed by the clumsy fingertips trailing up his thigh beneath the covers, teasing the skin hidden beneath the fabric of his pajamas. Rolling to his back, a quiet groan radiates from his chest as Eren leaves kisses at the collar of his shirt, hot breaths into the fabric as he presses his face into Levi’s chest. If only he didn’t put on so much clothing before bed, then Eren would already be gracing his skin with heated touches, dampened lips, controlled teeth. But there’s no time to think about that, no time to wish or regret, because Eren tugs the hem of Levi’s shirt up on his chest, revealing the skin of his abdomen, bearing it in the chill of the air for only a second before he leans in and his lips are fumbling against skin.

Brown hair sticks every which way, ruffled atop his head, but Eren still manages to stop Levi in his tracks, heat radiating from every inch of his skin as he slips his palm over Levi’s hardened cock, drawing a quiet moan from deep within Levi’s chest. Digging his nails into the flesh above Levi’s pajamas, Eren grabs hold of the tight fabric of Levi’s boxers, tugging it down as he moves his whole body up, burying his lips in the crook of Levi’s neck, tongue gliding against the skin, leaving dozens of wet kisses across his chest, his collarbones, his cheek, anywhere he can find purchase, anywhere that will coax another moan from Levi as he glides his hand over the man’s cock. 

When Eren finally speaks, not stopping his lazy movements, the gravelly tone in his voice sends a line of shivers across Levi’s skin, up his spine, drowning him in the timbre, soaking him in sweat. “You took such good care of me.” Heavy kisses lay into Levi’s jaw, line his chin, the deep resonance of Eren’s words echoing off of his skin, reverberating through his body. “Let me repay you.” 

And Levi is buried in a kiss as Eren moves himself on top of Levi’s tingling body, tongue persuading Levi, stripping away any shred of desire to fall back asleep. Eren already has him halfway undone, partway to release, diving headfirst into pleasure. His body is heavy, drowsy as Eren’s fingers bring a tingle with every touch. Drowning in the warmth of Eren’s skin, the heat of Eren’s touch, the weight of his body as he leaves wet, sloppy kisses down Levi’s chest, he can only lay back, sink into the pillow, sink into Eren’s touch, sink into the complete bliss of this energy. Levi’s boxers are tugged off as his tingling limbs fall back into the mattress and his cock is taken into the wet warmth of Eren’s mouth, graced with the pressure of his tongue, closing his eyes, feeling feather-light against Eren’s weighted touches, out of his head, out of control when he laces his fingers into Eren’s tangled hair, body begging to give in to this warmth, this heat, but Eren lets up before Levi has a chance to give in, delaying his release, the pressure of his mouth driving Levi into a moan as he slowly pulls off, a smirk perched on those perfect, pink lips. 

“Eren…” His voice is desperate, heavy with need, fraught with desire, threaded with every bit of energy his tired body has. “Please.” 

“Don’t move.” The quickest he’s moved all morning, Eren returns after barely a moment completely stripped of his clothes. Tracing his fingers up Levi’s legs, he leans into Levi, lips parting, fumbling with the lube without looking, focusing his attention on Levi’s lips, the flick of his tongue, the press of his lips slow, steady as he wraps Levi around him, sinking his fingers into the older man, stealing his breath, taking what little composure he has, catching his moan in the kiss.

“Mmm.” Eren’s groan shakes Levi’s whole body. “You’re so relaxed.” His breaths are heavy, shaky, heart pounding against his chest as Eren looks up at him, green, intense, like he’s about to be devoured in the slowest way possible, like he’s in line to be stripped of everything and given only pleasure in return.

How does he do it? How does he always do it? He has Levi unravelled with just a touch, undone with just one word, liberated with just the heat of his breath, detached from the world, and here... so firmly here. His grasp anchors Levi, positioning him with ease, dragging him off the pillows, wrapping his one leg on Eren’s hip, holding the other to the man’s chest.

Sighs slip from both of their lips as Eren pushes into Levi, and both of them sink a little further from reality, a little deeper into pleasure, a little more immersed in each other. Tension between them floods through Levi’s veins as Eren falls into an uneven rhythm, teeth sinking into his lip, palms denting the mattress on either side of Levi’s hips. His gaze falls somewhere on Levi’s chest, held by the folds of his shirt as he composes himself, moving up on his knees to press a little harder, to bring Levi closer to the edge, to drag another breathy moan from his lips. 

A smirk lines those dark pink lips, but he doesn’t look up even as he seems to gain control of himself, just moves into Levi again and again with long, slow movements, forcing chills up and down Levi’s spine. But Levi needs the security of Eren’s ever-present green, to be centered by a flash of calm behind dark pupils, it’s all he can think of, so he reaches up, turning Eren’s chin up, pressing his thumb into the plush warmth of Eren’s lips. Fiery, wild, Eren’s gaze meets his, and it might’ve been a mistake, because the way his body moves on top of Levi’s, the way they sway together, the energy of Eren’s eyes, it makes Levi’s heart pound heavily in his chest, makes his limbs weak, makes him want to give in, to feel everything Eren has to give. And he is met with an undeniable energy, an immovable force as Eren presses his lips against Levi’s thumb, pulls it into his mouth, teasing it with his tongue, before smirking and leaning forward, leaning into Levi, and covering him with a kiss. His lips meld with Levi’s, the warmth of his tongue delving into Levi’s mouth, taking his breath, taking his composure with every movement, pressing deep into Levi, moving harder, searching endlessly for the perfect thrust, one that makes Levi numb, one that sends him tumbling into heat, falling into complete collapse, stumbling over pleasure.

“Nnngh…” Every touch is catching up to him, building up the pressure in his body, sending heat over every inch of his skin. “Eren…” And Eren knows it, he can feel the heat radiating off of Levi, feel the throbbing of his every muscle, hear the need in every groggy, wrecked syllable that slips from Levi’s swelling lips. Ceaseless, Eren moves only with the intent of driving Levi into pleasure, of making just one more sweet groan seep from his chest, of draining Levi of every drop of energy he has. “Oh...fuck…” Levi can feel the heat of his face, feel the creakiness in his voice, clapping his hand over his mouth to retain a little decency, but Eren has a different plan, Eren is willing to do anything he can to unravel Levi completely. Wrapping his long fingers around the length of Levi’s cock, dragging a ragged moan from Levi’s lips, Eren meets Levi’s half-lidded gaze, drowns him in green, floods him with unmatched desire, overwhelms him with every touch until he bucks against Eren’s thrust, drags the sheets in his fists, gives in to his body, loses himself to the incomparable lust behind Eren’s eyes.

Body falling into a limp state, the rush of pleasure tingling at every nerve ending, shaking in his fingertips, shivering up his spine, Levi lets out a long breath as Eren settles next to him. Rain rattles against the roof, wind smacking the heavy drops against the windows, and it serves as a background to their panting. One week later and ten degrees cooler and those drops would be crystallizes flakes of snow, but even in their current state they make Levi want to take cover in his bed, to hide here all day in the warmth of Eren’s arms. 

“Rain.” Eren’s whisper is caught by the pillow, and it hangs heavy in the room, like there’s more meaning behind it than what he’s said. Peeking at the clock, he falls into the plush of the mattress with a sigh. “Not even enough time to sleep a little longer.”

“Do you work today?” Levi’s voice is so groggy, heavy with residual pleasure, weighted with sleep.

“Just classes at 9 and 5.” A displeased noise falls from his lips as he turns and wraps an arm across Levi’s chest, dodging the mess he’s made. “I don’t want to go.” 

“Then don’t.” He should slide out of bed, he should shower, he should go to work, but none of that sounds as satisfying as finally spending a day with Eren, finally having him to himself. Most of their time alone together has been spent between the sheets, locked in each other's arms, bare and naked and vulnerable, because that's just easier, that's just less complicated, because Levi doesn't have to guess Eren's feelings, and he doesn't have to express his own. They're just together. It's the realization, the panic brought on by being alone that ‘together' seems complicated. So that’s why he turns to Eren, locks away the weight of the anxiety, lets himself beg. “Stay with me.” 

Uncertain if it’s the exhaustion behind Eren’s tired eyes, the lingering headache, the weather, or his selfish begging keeping Eren, Levi ignores the questioning in the back of his mind and just allows himself to relax when Eren smiles and agrees. He doesn’t move when Eren cleans him off, doesn’t fuss when Eren collects him in his arms, just settles back into a heavy sleep beneath the covers with the rain as a background to his dreams..

 

It’s well past noon when Levi finally shakes himself from his sleep, waking to the buzzing of Eren’s phone on the night stand and turning to see an empty bed beside him. Panic dares to swallow him as he shifts beneath the covers, sitting up and springing from the warmth of his bed. “Eren?” Pulling on his discarded pajamas, he pads down the hallway toward the clacking of pans in his kitchen, stopping at the thermostat to bump it up a few degrees. 

He walks in quietly, listening to Eren hum as he flips bacon in the pan, causing a loud sizzling to mask his entry. Leaning on the fridge, he watches Eren move in the kitchen as if it were his own, using cookware that hasn’t been touched more than twice since he’s moved in. The tea kettle begins to whistle, and Eren moves to turn off the heat, catching Levi in the corner of his eye. 

A smile reaches across his lips, stretching out beneath his lip ring. “You’re up.” Bright green reaches out to Levi, though Eren doesn’t leave his station in front of the stove, tending to the food as Levi digs in the fridge, pulling out a packet of coffee he bought specifically for Eren by Erwin’s suggestion. 

Moving next to Eren, Levi digs in the cupboard for two mugs, reaching behind the cups to retrieve the cafepress he was gifted when he moved in. “I hope this is okay.” He turns the packet of coffee toward Eren’s gaze, receiving a hand around his waist and a kiss to the side of his head, enough force a blush across his face. 

“That’s perfect.” 

Hands shaking, he moves to prepare the coffee, turning from Eren’s gaze. “Your phone was ringing.” 

“Who was it?” Eren moves behind him, grabbing the egg carton from the almost empty fridge.

Grabbing a bag of tea, Levi swallows hard before answering, turning to see the look on Eren’s face. “Your dad.” 

Without missing a beat Eren changes the subject, but Levi sees the way his lips turn down at the corners, he can see the tension in the way that Eren turns his eyes down, glaring at the bacon. “How do you like your eggs?”

“Eren…” Nothing else comes out, no other words, no question, but there’s something behind Eren’s relationship with his father, something that makes Levi feel anxious, makes his throat tight, makes questions pose on the tip of his tongue.

A sigh forms of Eren’s lips, but he gives in, smiles a little. “Eggs first.” 

“Scrambled.” The act doesn’t calm Levi’s nerves, doesn’t help the shakiness in his hands as he steeps his tea and presses the coffee. But he waits at the table by instruction, hoping that Eren will be done before the steam stops spilling over their mugs. 

Stomach growling as the plates are set before him, Levi watches Eren sit down and pick up his mug, watches him take a deep breath, drawing the scent of the coffee into his nose before setting it down and adding cream and sugar to it. It seems so natural, the way he stirs the liquid with his spoon, cupping the mug in both hands and taking a sip. The sleeves of his black thermal shirt hang around the tanned skin of his wrists, his skin so warm and lively against the stark white of the mug in his hands. He’s so caught up in the way Eren looks, the pleasant smile on his face, the scent of the breakfast in front of him, that he forgets what he was supposed to be asking before picking up a piece of bacon.

“How is it?” Eren watches Levi eat for a long moment before picking up his own fork, a nervous energy radiating from his eyes.

A pleasant moan catches in his throat, body revelling in the warmth of the food. It would embarrass him, but he hasn’t eaten in almost 24 hours, so he doesn’t mind the short laugh that escapes Eren’s nose, or the fact that Eren has his head propped on his arm and is watching carefully. “I didn’t know you could cook.” 

He only smiles in return, something lingering behind his look as he eats quietly. “He's not exactly the most supportive person when it comes to my decisions.”

Pausing for a second, Levi brings himself back to reality, back to their conversation. “I feel like that's the understatement of the year.” Judging by the way just the mention of his father makes Eren seize up, there must be more to it than that.

“Yeah, you might be right about that.” Laughing again, a smirk perches on Eren’s lips as he speaks. “There’s just no way he was going to support me and my dead-end dreams, monetarily or otherwise. You'd think after three years he'd be over it, but every few weeks it's the same conversation.” He picks at his food, not looking up into Levi’s gaze, avoiding the judgement he assumes will be there.

“You're responsible, you're intelligent, you can make your own decisions.” That pulls Eren’s attention up, gives Levi a little space to breathe, a little time to think. “Besides, I work for a company that makes dead-end dreams come true every day.”

“Thank you.” 

Levi wonders if any of that actually helped, if anything he says has any impact, but the look in Eren’s eyes, the shining green looking back at him, makes his stomach flip, makes a smile creep across his face. “Thank you for breakfast.” Intensity never leaving those flexing irises, the air is potent, magnetic between them, pulling at Levi from his place a few feet from Eren. He watches the younger man finish his coffee, waits until he gives up on finishing his plate, and Levi finally pushes himself from the chair, closing the space between them as he rounds the table. The sound of his blood whirs in his ears, rushing through his body as he nears, pounding in his heart as he quickly decides the best way to get Eren up, get him back to bed. Because the dishes can wait, the day can wait, he needs Eren’s touch, needs the weight of his arms around his body, the tanned warmth of his skin to look as good as it did on his white skin as it did against the mug in his hand. 

All it takes is a kiss, the tipping of Eren’s chin, the touch of Levi’s fingertips sliding across his jaw, grazing his neck, grabbing a handful of his shirt. All it takes is a lingering finger as he releases Eren’s shirt, a prolonged look as he opens his eyes, the gentle bite of his lip. All it takes is a second before Eren is close behind, closing in on Levi as they pass through the doorway of his bedroom, enclosing Levi’s arm in his grasp, turning him into his arms, into his kiss. All it takes is Levi’s flighty fingers at the hem of Eren’s shirt, the way the shirt falls to the floor, discarded as Levi pushes Eren’s back into the mattress, climbing on top of him.

Breaths shake from each of their chests, energy spiraling out of control as Levi’s shirt is tugged from his body, as Eren’s fingers drag down his bare chest. But it will all be over too quickly if they get too caught up, if they give in too soon, so Levi plants a slow, structured kiss against Eren’s lips, one that slows their pace, slows the way Levi grinds on Eren’s swelling cock, but it couldn’t possibly slow the pounding in his chest, the quickened breaths from his lungs, the thoughts racing through his head. 

There’s just so much he doesn’t know, so much he’s never even gotten close to when it comes to Eren, but here he is, leaning into Eren’s kiss, finding energy in the plush, pink of Eren’s lips, aching to be closer, to be taken, lost in green, lost in black, lost in pleasure. The need is pressing, urging him to pull away slowly, to feel Eren’s hands on either side of his face, to take in the fiery look of Eren’s eyes, to let his body rule him for a moment, to forget his head, his doubts, to grab Eren’s hands and pin them over his head. 

He presses against the curled fingers, stretching them out beneath his own, fumbling over his thoughts, lips forming around words as he runs his finger along the inside of Eren’s, teasing the discolored burn mark there in an absent-minded motion. “What’s this from?” Their faces are so close, eyes locked, but the look on Eren’s face, the blush on Levi’s cheeks, the unexpected question stalls them.

“Making dinner with my mom. I slipped pulling something out of the oven and grabbed onto the rack to steady myself.” A short smile stretches over Eren’s face, as Levi’s fingers trail across the expanse of Eren’s wrists, cross the length of his forearms, edging in on the thick scar on the inside of Eren’s left arm, tucked away, hidden and pointless to unaware eyes. 

He’s curious. Will Eren tell the truth? Or was he wrong about it all along? “And this?” It’s a ticking time bomb, one that Levi has activated, one that he placed in the center of his chest. Eren swallows hard, the sound trickling by Levi’s ear. It was a mistake. The second he punctuated the question was a mistake. “Nevermind. I’m sorry.” Pulling away, giving in to his desire to get away, to retrieve the burden of the question, he sits up on Eren, devoting his gaze to the dark hairs trailing up Eren’s abdomen. “It’s none of my business.” He wants to gloss over it, to get back to where they were. The fact that the words came from him at all, the fact that he wanted to get closer to Eren, it’s all too dizzying, and he has managed to fuck up again, to push them further apart, to greaten the space between them, to rip what little light he had gained away for good. 

Barely a second passes, barely a breath between them before Eren’s got his hands on Levi’s face, before he’s got Levi pinned against the mattress, his gaze locked in, his words whispered against Levi’s ears. “It is actually...it is your business.” He can feel every beat of Eren’s heart against his chest, the quickening pace of its pounding, and it’s all too much, too heavy for the aching lacing his ribcage. “I don’t do that anymore. It’s been forever.”

Eren’s attentions are turned to Levi, the heat of his eyes setting the older man on fire, paralyzing him beneath Eren’s touch, because Eren knows exactly what he’s doing when he brushes his thumb against the scar on Levi’s eyebrow, when he peppers kisses across Levi’s chest, locking in on every visible blemish on the bare parts of his skin. Levi knows exactly what Eren is doing, exactly where this is going, and he’s the one that started it. “I want you to tell me when you’re ready.”

Swallowing hard, averting his eyes to Eren’s lips, there’s nowhere to go, but that doesn’t make it any easier. “I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.” Because there’s no way to say it without hurting both of them, no way to brush it off. 

“Why won’t you let me in?” Breathy, heavy, the words fall on Levi's ears, and the panic behind Eren’s eyes is startling, like he never meant to say it at all, but meant every word.

But how can he say that? How can that heavy sigh fall from his chest? He’s infiltrated Levi’s mind, wrapped his way into his every thought. He's broken down every last defense, torn away the illusion of Levi's independence, his enjoyment of solitude. Eren’s kindness is coursing through his veins, weakening his knees, scoring his heart, tearing him apart from the inside. How can he say that Levi hasn't let him in? How can he drag himself off of Levi, turn away, prop himself against the headboard? 

“I already have.” It sounds so weak when he says it, so he clears his throat and says it again, he sits up and faces Eren, says it clearly, says it with force, no matter how shaky his voice sounds. Watching, waiting, Eren lets the gears turn in Levi's head, lets him think. “I’m sorry if it doesn’t seem like it.” The room is so silent, so heavy, and Levi can hardly hear himself think over the pounding in his chest, wondering if Eren can hear it too. “I just don’t…” He doesn't want to shatter this vision Eren has of him, doesn't want the realization to come that he was never worth Eren's time. “You won’t like what made me, Eren. I can promise you that.”

“Not possible.” They're the first words he's spoken in what seems like forever, they halt the scattered thoughts in Levi's head, they force his babbling mouth closed, because just those two words muttered from Eren's lips, just the honeyed texture returned to his voice, just that… it's enough to silence him. “Nothing you say is going to change the way I feel about you…”

The space between them on the bed seems so great, like the expanse of the few inches between their bent knees is too far to cross. Levi wants to believe the words from Eren’s lips, but he can’t trust himself. He can’t be trusted with his own memories. He never put his efforts into fully forgetting. He didn’t want to forget, didn’t want to lose the lessons that have kept him alive thus far. He just put his efforts into not being traumatized by it anymore, not letting it get to him when the scent of cigarettes brought him a memory, when the shock of the cold made him feel like he was back in that house. The problem with remembering is that there is no forgetting the trauma. It lessens with every day between him and those nights that the car crept up the driveway, every day between him and Kenny moving slowly up those front steps. But every time the memories dig themselves up without Levi’s knowledge, take him by surprise, shake him from his sleep, he’s pulled back, buried, and no matter how strong he seems, no matter how much practice he’s had with wrestling those thoughts, he still breaks a little each time. But it isn’t enough to kill him. If there’s one thing he’s learned from being beaten senseless time and time again, it’s that he doesn’t want to die, he doesn’t want to be swallowed by the promise of darkness, not without ever seeing the light.

He just wanted to get out, to get away, but there is no avoiding it now, is there?

“I want to tell you. There’s just no easy way to say it.” 

He shifts in his spot, bending his knee to his chest, leaning on its stability, but Eren is motionless, breathless. 

“...no easy way to tell you that the only family I had left after my mom died wanted nothing to do with me.” 

He could stop there, couldn’t he? Stop the goosebumps from forming over every inch of his body. But he continues, feels the grogginess in his throat, the heaviness of the air in his lungs. 

“No easy way to say that her own brother blamed me for her death, or that he beat that reasoning into me for years.” 

He pinches the bottom hem of his pajama pants between his fingers, not looking up from the fixated stare he has on the stitches there, not even when Eren flinches a little in his peripherals. He wants to move far from the conversation, far from Kenny, from the memories of bruises and beatings. He wants to move away from pain, into happiness, into pleasure, into Eren. 

“I’ve let you in. It’s just, the words don’t come easily. I never know what to say. I’ve never known what to say.” 

He’s babbling, stumbling over his words, but he doesn’t care, he doesn’t think. 

“It always sounds so shitty and forced and nothing comes out right. I’m shitty with words...but I’ve let you in.” 

Finally turning to Eren, letting his knee fall, he holds his breath to take in the younger man’s expression, to turn this moment back around.

“I might not be able to express it...but I can...I can show you.” Even that sounds stupid. It’s more than that though. It’s more than he can articulate into words. So he lets his body take the lead, pushes Eren’s back into the headboard, crawls on top of him, looks down into the blushed face, and dives in. Eren’s face is still full of shock, like he already knew the answer but he didn’t want it to be true. Or because Levi’s true thoughts have slipped from his lips, his fingertips driving them into the flesh of Eren’s chest. 

Nothing you say is going to change the way I feel about you...

Would he still feel that way if he actually knew all that Levi has done? If he knew that Levi had fought back more than a few times, if he knew the state of Levi’s head as he scrubbed the dried blood from his skin, the way he iced his swollen joints, his bruised flesh, the way he fucking asked for it every time he opened his mouth, every time he screwed up at school, every time he misread Kenny’s mood, if he knew that, Eren wouldn’t see Levi as a victim. It was his fault. He got himself into that mess. He couldn’t leave, couldn’t take to the streets, couldn’t leave the house his mother raised him in, couldn’t bear the thought of leaving that man there with his mother’s belongings. That was his fault. 

Would he still feel the pleasure from the hands that run down his chest if he knew that those hands pulled food off of the shelves and stuffed them into his pockets more than once when he was old enough to know better? Would he still care so much if he knew what grimy jobs Levi had to take to put himself through school, if he knew what Levi had given up to make up the difference for tuition? 

Would he still smile into Levi’s eyes if he knew what Levi had seen?

If he knew, he wouldn’t be parting his lips around a moan, he wouldn’t be blushing, begging for Levi’s lips to move lower, would he? 

He can’t escape it now, can he? He can’t pretend it isn’t real. Can’t lose himself in the movement, because it’s all there, solidified between them. But Eren doesn’t care. Eren doesn’t mind it. Eren is focused on the movement, focused on Levi’s last words, because the important part to him isn’t that Levi’s past can reach into the present. The important part is that Levi is acting, he is undeterred by the daylight, he is kissing the sensitive skin of Eren’s ear, breathing short, shaking breaths into it, tipping Eren’s head, moving down his neck, letting his fingers trace Eren’s hairline, drawing goosebumps onto the skin.

He can focus on Eren, the heat of his touch, the undeniable energy from his eyes...he can. He can feel his mind losing control over his body, losing himself, leaving it in the air of the bedroom, breathing it out with every huff. He can give in. He can. The world moves around him but all he can feel is the pounding of Eren’s heart in his chest, the way his own heart slams against him. Their breathing is deafening. The day moves on, people working, clouds drifting, air cooling, but none of that can reach them now. 

None of that can reach them as Levi turns his attention toward the hardened cock in Eren’s pants, peeling away his clothes, drawing a moan from those perfect fucking lips when he drops his mouth down, dripping warm saliva down the sides of his mouth as he moves over it, pressing into it with his tongue. “Ahhhnnn…” Eren makes it easy on him, takes the weight, removes the doubt. He always does. He’s always holding Levi up. Always giving him strength. “I can’t wait any longer.” His voice sounds so wrecked, a quiet whine punctuating his sentence, but he tries to hide it, tries to hide just how much he needs it when Levi looks up at him. “You’ve got me so worked up.” 

It’s perfect, because Levi is shivering with anticipation, teeth digging into his lip as he crawls to the side of the bed to rid of his clothes and pull out a condom and the bottle of lube. Tearing away the wrapper, rolling the condom over Eren’s cock, he watches the way Eren waits, the way his muscles tense, the way his half-lidded eyes radiate heat, desire. It’s something a little terrifying, something untamed that he wants to take over, something he wants to take on. So he moves slow, despite Eren’s impatient breaths, despite the throbbing taking over Levi’s body. He moves the lube over Eren’s cock slow, teasing, working himself up into a tizzy, and Eren draws the sheets into his fists, pulling his lip between his teeth. Shivers crawl across his skin as he straddles Eren again, and they’re close, so close, breath mixing in the air, lips daring to meet. Their eyes don't break contact as Levi reaches behind him and positions himself over Eren's cock, breath caught in his throat as he leans back into it, gasping as Eren moves to holds his ass tight in his hands, spreading the cheeks, pressing his fingerprints into the flesh.

They're both shaking, both slaves to their bodies, the excitement, the waiting, the teasing, it all pauses them now, tugging at the fraying threads of their composure, begging to continue, for this to last, to share the heat of this moment for a little while longer, for it to never end.

Levi holds tight on Eren's shoulders, smearing lube into his skin, but it's the last thing on their minds. His shoulders are high, tense as he takes every inch of Eren inside him. “Fuck.” The word falls so heavy from his tongue, barely a whisper. Eren releases his ass, running his hands up either side of Levi's spine and makes Levi look up into heated green, the fever, the need, the desire so obvious in his eyes, reaching out from widened black pupils. It all builds up and Eren bites tight on his lip, releasing it only as a moan slips from his lips when Levi leans up on his knees, pulling Eren's length out and then falling back again, tossing his head back.

Then Eren's hands are on Levi's face, pulling him closer, transferring the heat into Levi through a kiss, wet, warm, totally and completely distracting. It dissolves all of Levi's composure, drawing an uninhibited groan from deep within his chest, one that makes Eren push back against him, burying himself in Levi’s ass, forcing another moan from the older man. 

“If you keep making sounds like that…” Leaving the sentence unfinished, working only to get Levi to break further, Eren wraps his arms around Levi’s back, digging his teeth into his chest, dragging his tongue across his hardened nipples. 

“Ahh...hah...Eren.” A sharp intake of breath follows Levi’s words, a surprised sound as Eren flips them, pressing Levi’s knees to his chest, his back into the mattress, his head into a daze. He wraps his grip along the edge of the mattress above his head, losing everything aside from the way Eren rocks his body into him, the way his short nails dig into the white skin of Levi’s thighs, the way Eren hasn’t stopped looking at him. 

Closing his eyes, hiding from vicious green, he is enraptured, heart pounding, breaths sharp and quick. All of the energy that was hiding behind those dark pupils, all of the tension of the last twenty minutes, it is used up, destroyed with every turn of Eren’s hips, every thrust, every miniscule adjustment he makes. He moves roughly, hard, relentlessly into Levi, slamming into his prostate at the perfect speed. “Ahh!” The perfect force. “Ohh fuck.” And he drops Levi’s left leg, wrapping his fingers around Levi’s cock, pumping it opposite his thrusts. “Fuck...Eren!” Eren’s touch pushes him over the edge, his orgasm crashing over him in heavy waves, shivering through his body, bringing a bright red flush to his skin. His breath catches in his throat, thoughts wiped from his mind, only pleasure, heat, green can get through to him as he grips the sheets in his hands. 

Collapsing into him, not ceasing his thrusts, Eren buries his face in Levi’s neck, letting his lips drag across the skin, letting his whispers send shivers down Levi’s spine. “I need you…” A long, drawn out breath as he sinks deep into Levi. “I need you to want me more.” And a quick breath in as he pulls almost all the way out. “...so much that you don't doubt it anymore.” Levi is throbbing around him, shivering, unable to keep the corners of his lips from turning up, unable to stop the moan from escaping his lips. “Until you can't bear to be without me.” And he tosses his head back, holding back his groan by biting his lip tight, pressing bruises into Levi’s shoulders.

Sinking into the mattress, into each other, their breaths tease goosebumps across their skin, and Levi feels a tightness in his throat because one piece at a time he’s giving himself to Eren, one piece at a time he’s divulging too much, Eren has him exactly where he wants him.

Pulling out and lifting himself from Levi’s sweaty body, a tired smile graces Eren’s face, only a hint of concern when Levi stretches out his legs, adjusting his hips with a wince. “Sore?” He receives only a nod in response from Levi, barely a mumble from his aching throat. “How about hot bath?” He doesn’t think much of it, doesn’t even fight when Eren returns a few minutes later picks him up from his warm spot on the bed, just lets it happen, because he’s so fucking tired, so fucking sore, and he knows Eren will take care of him, letting him down to step into the almost steaming water. 

He lets himself relax once Eren is settled in the bath behind him, holding him close, the touches barely discernable from the heat of the water, but it feels good, feels like a dream as Eren rubs every bit of remaining tension from his muscles. Tipping his head back, he lets Eren wash his hair, rubbing suds into the black strands, teasing the scalp, erasing every thought from his head. “You’re too much...too good to me.” But Eren doesn’t listen, doesn’t accept it, just smiles as Levi turns to him, offers to wash his hair, a pleasant look on his face as he feels Levi’s fingers rubbing the soap into his hair, swirling circles into the nape of his neck. Coming up from the water, face dripping with suds, Levi leans in close, pressing a tentative kiss to Eren’s lips, just enough to make those perfect, pink lips smile.

But that smile is wiped from his face when a sound comes from somewhere inside the apartment, shock and confusion filling his eyes. Levi only shakes his head, too relaxed to care about what’s about to come storming through the bathroom door, too docile to stop it. “Brace yourself.”

“Levi!” Hanji busts through the door, arms waving in the air. “You never answer your phone! I seem to recall that we had lunch plans, yet here you are, not working…” She finally looks at the two of them, eyes widening just a little before starting up again. “This is no excuse, you owe me and Erwin dinner.” 

Eren tries to sink into the bathwater, trying to suppress the shock on his face as Levi sends Hanji to the living room. “Looks like you’ll make it to that late class after all.” Pulling himself from the tub, he tries not to notice the disappointment on Eren’s face, tries to mask that same look on his own. “I’m sorry about this.” And he leans over to Eren, drawing him into a kiss, feeling the forgiveness of his touch.

He tries to subdue his anger as he pulls on his clothes, to keep the soreness of his hips hidden as he walks out to talk to Hanji, to ignore the way Eren looks enviously at Hanji, if only for a second. He can hardly hear the quiet conversation they make as Eren pulls on his coat, ties his shoes, he can hardly focus on anything at all besides the way Eren loops his scarf around his neck, pulls a hat over his wet hair. He can’t focus on anything as they say a subtle goodbye from across the room, because it’s not enough. It’s just not enough.

He can’t even hear his own thoughts as he tells Hanji to wait, can’t even make sense of it all as he follows Eren out into the hallway, calling for him as he stands partway down the stairs, dragging Eren’s jacket into his fist, pulling his face into a kiss. “Free up your Saturday.” 

He can’t hear anything besides his heart pounding. Can’t feel anything but the heat rising in his body. Can’t see anything but the smile that stretches across Eren’s entire face. “I can do that.” Can’t do anything but watch as Eren closes in on him, kisses him again, turns away. 

He can’t stop the worrying that wells up in his gut when he hears the rain falling on the pavement as Eren opens the door to the street. “Drive safely, please.” Can’t do much of anything at all when Eren flashes another smile at him. He can’t even decipher his thoughts, is it happiness? Or is it the calm before the storm? Because there is only one thing, one idea clouding his mind. 

It’s not enough. He wants more. More time, more heat, more light, more of Eren. He has to make Eren his, and only his. 

More, until there’s nothing left of himself, until there’s nothing left.

That won’t break him completely, will it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay on this update! Hopefully this lengthy chapter made up for the wait!   
> Thank you all so much for the support. Every kudos and comment you leave me makes all the work that goes into this worth it. 
> 
> More on the way!


	9. Nowhere Left To Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dreamy feeling washes over Levi, his body feels heavy in his chair, weighed down with the prospect of plans, of a future, of a place that feels more like home than any place he’s ever known, a place on the receiving end of Eren’s smile. His body is heavy, but his insides are light, fluttery, and his head feels like it’s in the clouds, like he’s dreaming of some unlikely place, writing himself into a better situation, like he’s too hopeful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle in...it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

**** Approaching quickly, remaining just out of reach, just out of Levi’s grasp, Saturday can’t arrive soon enough.  Because he'll stare off into the distance for what feels like an hour, only really letting him slip by a few minutes, only really letting him off the hook of reality for a moment.  Because he’s lost all control over the situation, he’s lost what little hold he had over himself, and all he really wants is to stop overthinking it, stop picking it apart.  All he really wants is to give in wholeheartedly, but the distance of time is the most damaging thing to his head, his confidence, the moments between now and then are crippling, deafening, and he feels every second slowly passing in anticipation.

Work really isn't enough to keep his attention for more than a few hours. His head is elsewhere, his head is... in a dreamy memory, a cloudy version of his bedroom. His head is between the sheets, gently held by the warmth of his blankets, his mattress. His head is so firmly not here. He's tuned in on quiet conversations, on the gravelly tone of Eren's voice against the pillow. He's locked in on the warmth of Eren's breath, the energy that seeps from his bare body, the way his face looks so pleasant sunken halfway into the pillows, the way the mattress seems to hold Eren there.

He's got no energy to put toward meetings, lunches, extra work, because his mind is somewhere else entirely, somewhere where bedhead is unbearably sexy, where fingers fumble across lips, where lengthy pauses and muted words and heavy hands aren't the least bit threatening, somewhere where instructions aren't intrusive, aren't demanding. He's stuck in a place where the scent of breakfast cooking wafts from the kitchen, a place where he is treated with kindness, compassion, where he is looked on like something...something special.

All he thinks about all day, all he's thought about all week, is getting back into bed, falling face first into the pillows, into the warmth and safety and all the things Eren makes it... but without Eren's presence, it's nothing more than an empty bed with the vague memory of his scent remaining beneath the fresh sheets. But he couldn't just call Eren over, couldn't just have him fill that empty space on the other side of the bed, couldn't go back on his silent promise to himself.

Because Eren's words still linger in the back of his mind, still create a twinge deep in his stomach, a weight in his chest.

_ I want you to need me more. _

But there isn't any more, isn't anything left to give, because every cell in Levi's body aches for Eren. He wants to be near him, to be close enough to feel the warmth of Eren's energy, the heat of his smile, the desire behind his eyes. He needs Eren, that's one thing he's sure of.

_ Until you can't bear to be without me. _

But he has to work up to it, can't get ahead of himself, because it has to come out right, it has to be perfect when he says it. So they agree to see each other on Saturday and wish each night that the other would have enough gall to just show up in their pajamas with dinner and a movie, but neither of them dare push it, neither of them dare step on the fragility of the situation. Every day he wakes up closer to Saturday. And somehow, some way, sleep reaches him every night.

His head is swimming with webpages of date spots, confessions, practiced speeches. He's drowning in good morning texts, late night conversations about liking sushi or about nothing in particular, the way Eren's whispered voice sounds coming out of the cellphone, the image of the younger man tucked into bed with his phone balanced on his face, a smile stretched across his lips. It makes four nights seem like an eternity, it makes Saturday unreachable, it makes the self-prescribed distance between them seem unnecessary, complicated, but it sets him on fire. He wants to do this right...for once, he wants to do this right.

He wants to spoil Eren, to give him the dates they should've been going on this whole time, to watch the smile spread across that face at every surprise revealed to him in the passenger's seat of Levi's car. He wants to take him to the art museum, to the park, a proper restaurant, an actual movie theater, to do all these things without doubts, without anxiety, without wondering if they want to be together. He wants to hold Eren's hand while walking, to ignore nosy onlookers and focus only on the warmth of that hand and the way their fingers intwine, he wants to sit close, make eyes across the table, to kiss amidst the people under the glow of the streetlights.

It's dreamy and romantic and entirely uncharted for Levi, and it brings a heavy anxiety to Levi's chest, but seeing Eren like that...seeing him smile, seeing him inspired and excited...it's worth the anxiety, worth the apprehension.

So he is unable to hide the disappointment when his lazy Saturday morning begins with a fleet of unread emails, can't shake the feeling of defeat when he reads the new urgent deadlines punctuating his boss' request, can't swallow the collapse of his mood as he dials Eren's number, unable to erase the anger manifested as a lump in his throat, not even when the younger man’s pleasant voice graces his ears.

“Levi.”  It’s an interesting thing, the way Eren always answers the phone to him with his name, like he’s making sure it’s actually Levi, like he can assure the older man with one word.

It stops him in his tracks, ceases the lines he’s pacing into his freshly vacuumed carpeting, allows a breath fall from his chest.  "Eren."

"I was just about to head over."  A rustle of papers and the click of a pen serves as a background to his words.

"Eren..." He should just call it off, do this a different day, or save himself the embarrassment and call it off for good.

The shuffling stops and Eren is silent, his words uneasy, shaky as they reach Levi.  "What's wrong?"

"My boss just changed a deadline on me. I have to finish the edits on our project today so the main editor can go over them before our meeting on Monday.”  

"Oh."  

Oh.  It's such a disheartening word, and it's barely a sound, barely a thing, but it drops Levi's heart in his chest.  "I had more time...I just need a few hours, but I swear we're going on this date...we just won't go to-"  Words falling from his mouth, he’s babbling, searching for an answer in a place that heeds nothing.  There is no easy answer.  Beating heavily in his chest, Levi would swear Eren can hear his heart pounding from the other side of the phone.  Anger, frustration, Levi expects any of the emotions that boil beneath his skin to come to life on Eren’s lips, but the younger man just makes a pleasant sound, one that hums from deep in his chest, one that settles Levi’s mind a little as Eren tells him not to worry, to do his best on his work, to expect him in a couple hours.

The bell rings just past one o’clock, followed by Levi cursing himself under his breath for being too distracted this week to do anything resembling editing.  A silent war rages behind his eyes as Eren climbs the stairs, a breath caught in his throat at the image, the single thought that’s been chasing his consciousness for days stalled on his tongue, caged by his teeth, unable to find a voice.

Because Eren is bundled in his coat, grocery bags in hand, backpack hung on his shoulders, and the top of his coat is unzipped, scarf loose and revealing the tanned skin over Eren’s collarbones.  A knit, maroon had slouches against his head, pressing little brown hairs to his forehead, outlining his flushed cheeks, a perfect smile perched on those dark pink lips, and energetic green beaming up at Levi as the younger man closes the vast distance between them, pressing into the doorway.

Slipping his fingers beneath the plastic handles, Levi relieves Eren of the weight of the groceries, setting them on the table and peeking inside, listening to the rustle of a coat being hung up and a backpack being abandoned on the floor.  “What is all this?”

“I’m making you dinner.”  Thudding against his ribcage, the sound of Levi’s heart mutes Eren’s footsteps, only the timbre of his voice, the sweetness of his words, the energy radiating off of his skin giving him away as he nears.  “You don’t need any extra stress.”  Warmth creeps through Levi’s body from where Eren’s hand lays on his shoulder, the pressure of his fingertips grazing the textured black of Levi’s shirt, a shiver crawling across his skin when the hand runs down the length of his spine, settling at the small of his back.  “You can plan the next one.”  The words settle in his ears, but their implications, their meaning are lost on him as Eren’s warm breath brushes against his skin and microscopic movements in his body finally result in him turning toward the man that’s got him so completely worked up.  “Just let me-”

His words never make it out of his chest, because the look in Eren’s eyes is one of warmth, concern, and it ignites something hidden deep within Levi, something indescribable, something hungry.  It begins as a short press of lips, the stretching of Levi’s legs as he stands on his toes to meet Eren’s face, the lacing of his fingers on either side of Eren’s face, drawing into the hair beneath his hat, the slight bend in Eren’s back, the way his hands steady Levi as their chests touch.  It grows into parting lips, teasing tongues, wandering hands as Levi presses the hat from Eren’s forehead, pulling it from his head and bunching it in his palm.  It’s an erasure of disappointment...a kiss of forgotten plans and missed reservations, a kiss that holds back buried questions, abandoned admissions, because it can wait.  They’re too caught up in the warmth of each other’s kiss, the press of Levi’s hands against Eren’s chest as they release, the barely suppressed panting escaping their chests.

Pulling away with a surprised smile, wiping the back of his hand over his mouth, Eren clears his throat, and despite the heat emanating from shining green, he ushers Levi back to his spot on the couch before his open laptop.  “The sooner you finish your work, the sooner we get to do the date part.”  A final kiss is pressed to Levi’s cheek as he feigns annoyance, but he settles into the couch and leans over his laptop as Eren unpacks his groceries.  

It seems so...natural to work while he listens to Eren humming in the kitchen as a background to a knife systematically hitting a cutting board.  It seems so domestic, so much further than where they are, as Eren pulls his backpack to the kitchen table and flips through a notebook, scribbling away, biting his lip, intent on finishing whatever idea is running through his head.  Watching Eren stare into the distance, glare at the pages before him, fight with them, it’s unbelievably endearing.  He rolls over the words in his head until they submit to him, or he submits to them, pen scrawling against the paper.  They work in the quiet, just the tapping of keys, crumple of paper, and soft breaths breaking up the silence, and it all seems so familiar, so practiced, so normal to work beside Eren, to be around him, to be alive and energized even when their attention is pulled in two different directions.

But none of that really eases his mind, the relaxed muscles in his body giving way to the anxious energy of his brain.  How is Levi supposed to turn this around?  How is he supposed to tell Eren that he wants to be with him, only him?  How can he close this space he's created between them by walking away again and again?  How can he approach Eren, fix what he’s been so bent on destroying, ask for closeness when all he’s done is keep Eren at arms length?  How is it that people like Erwin can commit to something like marriage but Levi can’t even ask Eren to be his boyfriend?  Why is it that he lets everyone get under his skin?

Sending the changes to his project manager, letting a sigh permeate his lips, Levi falls further into his hunched posture.

_ Be my boyfriend. _

How hard is that to say?

_ Eren...ask me again... _

It seems impossible, too much to handle, too much as Eren pads across the carpet, attempting to close that distance, sliding his body behind Levi, legs wide around him, his hands daring to grab him, but Levi doesn't move, doesn't pull his eyes away from his laptop screen, the unchanged view of his inbox.  "Are you at a stopping point?  Or should i start dinner?"

How is it already four?  How did he get anything accomplished with all of these thoughts running through his head?  He simply nods, feeling the toll of his exhausting thoughts aching through his body. "I'm done."

Eren runs a finger up the length of Levi's spine, making him straighten his back as his other arm wraps around Levi's waist. His voice reverberates in Levi's ear, the breath brushing his hair, teasing his neck. "You shouldn't slouch like that." He's been sitting like that for so long that he didn't realize how badly it hurt, so when Eren starts kneading his shoulders he groans at the touch. "Why are you so tense?" His hands skirt Levi's back, long fingers wrapping around his sides as Eren presses the heels of his hands into the taught muscles on either side of his spine, rubbing goosebumps into the skin beneath his clothes.

"Stressed." It’s all he can manage, all he can give up, but he melts into the touch, feeling rigid muscles give way to Eren's fingertips. Eren mumbles, lips against the nape of Levi's neck. His heart pounds, body heavy under the attention of Eren's thoughtful fingers. "I'm sorry about our date." He hangs his head, swaying a little as Eren rubs circles into the junction of Levi's shoulders.

"It doesn't matter what we're doing. This is perfect to me." Eren's fingers lace around, sliding on either side of Levi's right ear, turning his head to the left as Eren leans in. "As long as I'm with you." Their faces are so close, their eyes both drifting down, distracted by each other's lips. Eren's plump lips hang open, dark pink giving way to the soft, wet, red behind them, and his teeth come forth to bite that damn lip ring, pulling it in, teasing it with his tongue. It sparks sweat across Levi's body, heat beneath his skin, need in his chest, need to close that distance, to bridge the expanse, to get those lips, that tongue, those teeth to grace every inch of his body, to tear him apart, to leave him completely wasted but wanting more.

So he leans in, taking those lips for himself, seizing them with his own. He wants to turn, to straddle Eren on the couch, to fall deep into his kiss, rub himself on the hardened cock he feels growing behind him, but Eren doesn't budge, doesn't release his hold on Levi. "I do know how you can make it up to me." He's got plans of his own, he'll make Levi wait, make him fall apart completely before giving him what he wants, and he knows Levi will love every agonizing second.

"Anything." Levi's voice already betrays him, he's already begging, already giving in.

"Anything?" It sounds like a challenge, like a threat coming from those heated lips, and Levi only whimpers a little when Eren whispers in his ear. "Let me give you a proper massage." Then he kisses Levi again. He lets himself fall victim to the heavy touches, his resistance withering away. He's panting by the time Eren releases his mouth, dizzy as Eren releases his hold on him, almost tripping when he stands by instruction, heavy and light as Eren's words sink in. "Get undressed and get into bed." His words deceive him, shaking from his lips, but if he undressed Levi, he wouldn't be able to control himself, wouldn't be able to go through with making Levi wait.

So Levi makes his way to his bedroom, leaving a trail of clothes behind him, smirking when he turns back to Eren in only his unbuttoned jeans hanging around his tight black boxers to see the younger man turning his lip white between his teeth, anxious energy in his eyes, excitement behind his tongue. Levi tears back the covers, laying himself out on the sheets on his back, defying Eren once again.

"You..." He wants Eren to make a mess of him, to peel away the doubt, the anxiety, the nervousness that's taken hold over his muscles. He turns the light on in the dimming apartment, and a short growl emanates from his chest as he closes in, working Levi's jeans off of his body, throwing them to the floor. "Turn over."

He doesn't dare disobey now, rolling to his stomach and crawling up so his feet barely hang off the bed, tucking his arms beneath a pillow and propping his shoulders up, feeling goosebumps raise on his skin as he listens to Eren snap the lid of a bottle, and rub his slick hands together, planting his knees in the mattress on either side of Levi, sitting his weight on Levi's hips, only a few layers of clothing separating them.

Wasting no time, Eren rubs his palms into Levi's back, running circles and lines into the skin, melting Levi away with every touch, destroying him with every aching second. "You're still so tense." Levi only moans into the pillow, not wanting to acknowledge the thoughts spinning in his head. "What's on your mind?" He only shrugs his shoulders in a limited movement. "Work?" He nods. "Well you don't need to worry about it. You always get everything done on time and you always do your best work." He relaxes a little in Eren's hands until he speaks again. "Is something else bothering you?"

It's so understated.  If it was just bothering him, Eren would've melted it away.  This is so much more, this is eating him up from the inside out, devouring every piece of sanity he has left. But Levi stays silent. He could say it right now, couldn't he?

"Well whatever it is, let me take care of it." He doesn't ask for more, doesn't dwell on it any longer, he just rubs at every tender muscle, works out every pesky knot, melting away Levi like he's nothing. He reads Levi's body, brings heat and pressure to the tension in Levi's shoulders, slick and focused fingers rubbing away the manifestation of Levi's doubts, letting his shoulders fall. Some of his vertebrae snap into place as Eren pushes his palms into Levi's shoulder blades. He works every inch over, kneading until Levi is completely relaxed under his hands, until short groans escape his chest. Running his hands all the way back up, sliding up Levi's arms where they lay wrapped around the pillow, Eren's breath teases Levi's ear. "Did I get it all?" Levi only groans again, turned to complete mush under Eren's weight. "Tell me what I missed." Eren climbs off of him, kneeling between Levi's open thighs. He rubs his fingers down Levi's spine, slowly, waking him up, making heat rise over his body.

"Lower." He barely says it, but Eren moves lower, drawing his fingers down past Levi's boxers and onto his thighs, making Levi jump a little as he rubs against the sensitive skin, running his fingers beneath the cloth of Levi's boxers, teasing the junction of his ass and thigh, turning Levi bright red, pulling soft, impatient moans from his chest. Then he grabs Levi's ass in his hands, dull fingernails digging into the plump flesh. Levi pulls the pillow in his hands, breaths panting from his chest, relieved when Eren gets off the bed, pulling off his clothes, the soft sounds driving Levi crazy in anticipation until his own underwear are tugged roughly from his body, releasing his already hardened cock into the air.

"Uh uh." Eren hums displeasure when Levi moves to roll over. "I'm not done with you yet." He pulls Levi's ass cheeks apart, brushing his thumb against Levi's tight, throbbing entrance.

"Nnnngh...Eren..."

"So perfect." His breath is against Levi's skin, dancing on the small of his back as Eren leaves wet kisses on the small of his back, tongue dancing on each plump ass cheek, teeth digging into the flesh, making Levi squirm.  "So...fucking perfect."  Eren's fingers hook around Levi's hips and he is dragged up to his hands and knees, digging into the mattress with a gasp. He doesn't dare turn to see the heated look in Eren's eyes, doesn't even breathe, because Eren is closing in, and Levi is about to burst. He presses bruises into Levi's ass, pulling them apart with his thumbs. "I can't help myself..."

And a shiver wracks through Levi as Eren's breath reaches him. Just the flick of the tip of his tongue, then the pressure of Eren's lips against his hole, warm and wet.  "Nnnn..."  And his lips part to his tongue, pressing gently against it. "Eren..." His entire body is on fire, stricken with embarrassment, but not really wanting it to stop. And his tongue dives in, warm saliva dripping down Levi's balls, trailing down his thighs. "Jesus, Eren." It's a whisper, wrecked, messy, and he twitches at the attention of Eren's mouth, holding tightly onto the sheets. "Hnnn..." His tongue dives deeper, lips leaving unbearable pressure against the outside, tongue twirling inside him, ripping his thoughts away, when he pulls his tongue out he runs it slowly around the outside and then presses back inside, a groan vibrating through Levi's body.

"Fuck...nnn…”  Then a finger joins his tongue, saliva covered, stretching, moving, dissolving Levi's remaining hold over himself.  "Ah!" His limbs buckle, arms giving in as he leans forward, ass in the air, giving Eren full access, giving in to the pleasure, the heat of Eren's tongue as he draws his finger out, tracing down Levi’s balls, cupping them in his hand, tongue pressing as deep as possible into Levi's ass, hot breath on his skin.  "Oh fuck."  And Levi can hardly contain himself as Eren wraps his fingers around Levi's cock, never ceasing the hot pressure of his tongue, the unbelievable pleasure driven into Levi by just the touch of his lips, the flat of his tongue tight against his hole. "Eren..."  His voice is broken, moaning at each lap of his tongue, twitching at every press of his lips. "Ahh!"  It's something he's never experienced, never been doted on quite like this, never allowed it, but Eren isn't a threat, Eren isn't looking for power, he's looking for pleasure, for a new way to make Levi weakened, hot, flushed red, and completely his. That's somehow better, mostly because he can hardly think at all, because he can’t form more than broken syllables.  “Nnnn…”

The heat of his skin, the clench of his stomach, Levi feels himself ready to give in, but Eren pulls away. Levi looks behind him to watch Eren pouring lube on his wrapped cock, stroking it slowly. It's such a sight, the younger man with his lip bitten tight between his teeth, his long fingers wrapped around himself, pumping the lube over himself. Their eyes meet and Levi is taken over, mewling when Eren finally presses two fingers to his opening, reaching, and Levi can't stop watching over his shoulder. He loses his breath watching Eren clench his jaw, not wanting to move too fast, drawing his fingers out and pressing in a third.

It's so much stimulation, so much build up, it has short whimpers aching from Levi with every push in, heat every time they're pulled out. Breaths heavily panting when his fingers are removed, groaning when the tip of his cock presses against Levi's throbbing hole, Levi is so fucking carried away, body eager and ready.

But Eren takes his time, taking in a deep breath in the quiet air, slowly wrapping his left hand roughly around Levi's waist, pausing until Levi can hardly take it.

"Ere-" His breath is caught in his chest as Eren slowly pushes in, halting his impatience, burying every inch inside Levi. He pulls tight against Levi's hips, forcing a breath from the older man's chest. He'd complain about the teasing if he hadn't gotten exactly what he wanted, if he wasn't already hot, burning up, begging for release. He can't focus on anything but the growing intensity of Eren's touch, the rhythmic pace of his thrusts, the rough, controlled movements. It's all so tantalizing, it's all such a tease, and Eren knows exactly what he's doing, knows just how to move, because he wants Levi frustrated, forced to the end of his patience, he wants Levi hanging just at the edge of bliss, so that the end result is that much better, so that when Eren pulls out and instructs Levi to turn over, he doesn't hesitate to flip his shaking body, doesn't falter even on aching limbs, because he's desperate as Eren presses Levi's knees to his chest, hooking his arms behind his knees, he's desperate as Eren poises his cock at Levi's entrance, he's... he's in trouble.

He's in trouble because something burns hot behind Eren's eyes. Something intoxicating that seeps into Levi's gaze, something that tells him Eren has only just begun. It's flexing, vicious green outlining alluring, dilated black. It's creeping, silent words poised on a swiping, wet tongue. It's magnetic, distracting, so fucking overwhelming as Eren bites down on that perfect, pierced lip, dark and pink and ready strike, ready to envelop him, smother him, drown him.

He's in trouble because one short breath passes through those lips, one unexpected sigh from between them before he clenches his jaw and plunges into Levi once again. He's in trouble because a smile stretches across Eren's face, his eyebrows are low, eyelids are heavy, and those long, brown eyelashes flash before his eyes, because Eren's body is slick with sweat, plastering his hair against his forehead, and their skin sticks where it meets.

He's got Levi pinned. This is bad. He's in so deep, completely overtaken, blank and wasted and barely breathing as Eren quickens his pace. Using his whole body as leverage, hips turning, jolting, muscles taught in his arms at Levi's sides, neck throbbing as he tips his head back, throat straining with a groan.

Unraveling beneath Eren's touch, breath hitching at every thrust. This is bad. "Nnnh...ah!"  This is...bad. Levi is weakened, body heavy as Eren brings the older man's legs around his hips, his legs are so pale, so stark and white against the tanned skin of Eren's chest, but the thought barely remains for a second, because Eren is ceaseless.  Eren is...everything.  And Levi is alive with energy, brought to life with sweat and heavy breaths, worn down and exhausted, but awakened.  Because he’s on fire, burning up from the inside out.  He’s fighting himself, losing control.  He’s...so fucked.  Because one minute they're having sex, fucking, the next it's like this... it turns from a vague heat to a burning fire, hot to the touch, from intoxicating lust to an unbearable need. Every inch where their bodies meet is numb, fired with an excess of energy sparking off of Eren's skin.  

Because it’s so obvious.  It’s so clear to him when Eren meets his eyes.  It’s so fucking obvious...because this could be the beginning of it.  He can feel himself absorbing Eren’s energy.  He’s opened himself completely to this man.  The wound hasn't fully healed over yet and here he is tearing at the edges, here he is pulling back the flesh that was barely held together by the ripe scar tissue. Here he is opening old pain, welcoming new pain, again and again.  Every time they meet, every time they touch, every time Eren’s eyes trap him in their gaze.  

Hips up, body bent into the perfect position, following Eren’s every instruction, barely holding onto consciousness, Levi’s heart pounds in his chest.  "I want you...want all of you."  Eren folds into him, arms tangling, never stopping his movements.

_ You have me. _

The words hang on Levi’s tongue, but he can't manage it, can’t manage much more than impatient groans, indecent moaning as Eren bends his back, finding the precise angle, digging his fingers into Levi’s flesh, drawing lines over his skin.  "Fuck."  Crisp, clear against Levi’s ear, Eren punctuates the word with a particularly hard thrust, slamming directly into Levi’s prostate, repeating the movement without fail, without hesitation.

"Ahh...Eren."  It’s too much.  It’s all too much, and he’s too far gone, arching his back, latching shaking hands onto any part of Eren he can reach.  “Nnnngh.”

Hanging his head, hands pressing dents into the mattress, Eren closes his eyes, clenches his jaw, holds back every last second.  "Oh fuck."  Releasing burning green back into the space between them, Levi stands no chance against the heat behind those eyes.

"Hah-ah...nnnnn..."  The slow torture of Eren’s every touch, the tease of the last hour, it all escapes him now, hot threads of cum spreading across the flushed skin of his abdomen, the end of his moan caught in his throat as his entire body throbs around Eren’s cock, tension and stress of his muscles giving way to ease and relief.  Skin crawling with goosebumps, he’s hot and sweaty, the chill spreading across his body, and his voice is strained, wrecked, but he can’t stop the quiet moans with every remaining thrust, can’t stop the feeling flooding over his body, can’t stop the smile from spreading across his lips.

"Oh fuck. Yes. Levi."  The thrusts slow, but the intensity doesn’t waver, the breaths aching from Eren’s chest until he buries himself deep inside Levi,  and rests his face in the crook of the older man’s neck.  Chest heaving, Eren pulls out slowly, letting deep breaths out against Levi’s skin.  

Shiver racking through him, Levi can't shake the feeling of emptiness that washes over him, can't shake the aching, the need that drives him to place a kiss on the expanse of Eren's bare shoulder, to run his tongue along the sheen of sweat that glows on Eren's tanned skin, to suck the flesh between his teeth, kissing and kneading and biting until Eren squirms.  It's a small step, a silent declaration, but it's enough for now.

Enough because Eren kneels up on shaky arms, shooting a heated glance into Levi that only solidifies his anticipation, something heavy and green and entirely intoxicating.  Turning Levi's head with a light touch of his thumb, he bares the light, sensitive skin of his neck and starts in.  Eren turns the attention of his tongue against Levi's skin, trailing heavy lines from his collarbones to behind his ear, down and up the center of his chest, nipping at the skin, turning Levi's naked flesh shades of pink and red.  He cleans off every inch of Levi's cum, sucking at the tip of his cock until Levi flinches.  

It's so...perfect.  The way Eren turns his anxiety into energy, his exhaustion into desire.  It's maddening and aggravating and so far from fair, because Eren's swollen lips are so enticing, the dark pink so alluring, that when he closes in on Levi's mouth, he almost forgets where that mouth has been, clapping a hand over Eren's lips before they touch.

"Oh right. I'm sorry. I'll be right back."  The words are genuine, said with a playful smirk as he unhinges himself from Levi's stiff legs and slides from the bed.

"Hurry."  He doesn't move, doesn't cover himself, just waits patiently for his kiss as he listens to Eren fumble around the apartment, making noises in the bathroom and kitchen before returning to the bedroom.  Climbing over Levi's body, their bare skin sticking, Eren laces his fingers into Levi's sweaty hair, meets his muted grey eyes, and for a split second the words seem so close, the confidence and question seem attainable.  For a split second in the warmth of shining green, Levi could say it, could lay his claim, could give in completely.  Then Eren dives into his mouth with a greedy energy.  And Eren has taken over.  He's reduced Levi to a groaning mess of a man beneath his kiss, panting and shaking and wanting more with each passing second, caught between awakened desire and not being able to take any more. 

His body is on fire, skin crawling with heat in the cool air of the apartment, because Eren has him in such a way, Eren has him losing his hold on reality, forgetting everything he meant to say, everything he meant to do.  Because Levi has a weakness...and Eren knows it.  He exploits it every chance he gets.  Levi knows that Eren can see it...his distracted gaze when they’re close, when they’re near enough to touch, it probably gave him away months ago.  So Levi is weakened by every purse of those pierced lips, every movement, every gentle press of them on his own, and everything he wanted to say is abandoned with each flick of Eren’s tongue, each dash of that minty, warm flesh into his mouth.  The words are unreachable, lost, completely overrun by the feeling of Eren’s thumbs gently rubbing his face, the way his lips hang open a little as he pulls away, the way he looks into Levi from behind smiling eyes.

When the oven beeps, a smirk crosses those dark pink lips in the limited space between them, and right now, that smile is everything.  That smile allows Levi to pull his aching body from the mattress, to start the shower, to peek down the hall at Eren putting a dish in the oven in just his underwear.  Stepping into the warm spray of the shower, he feels the water on his chilled skin, the breeze as the door is opened, the fluttering in his stomach, the weight of his body as he is curled into Eren's arms, back pressed against his chest.  Their soapy hands wash away sweat, spit, the water rinses away the suds, but his touch…his touch anchors Levi to the floor, his touch is laced with a numbing energy, tingling against Levi’s bare skin, sparking anxiety deep within his chest.

And those perfect lips grace skin, slide easily on the dampness of Levi’s neck, just a trail of short kisses as he tips up Levi’s chin, edging in against his jawline, stopping just before reaching Levi’s mouth.  He can’t stop the blush that takes over his body when their eyes meet, energetic, flexing green slowly turning up to take him in.  “I’m going to finish dinner.  Take your time.”  His voice is gravelly in such a tight space, so muffled caught between the walls of the shower, and it all but mutes the thoughts racing in Levi’s head as Eren leaves the bathroom.

He hesitates in the spray of the shower until it runs cold, steps out onto the cool tile, stands before the foggy mirror.  Distorted reflection staring back at him, he lets the chilled air dry his skin, lets the figure lurking behind the mirror stare into him.  Why is this so difficult?  The pounding of his heart silences the world outside his head, but he can’t wrap his head around this feeling as he quickly moves to his bedroom, can hardly understand why it’s hard to swallow as he looks down at his bed, freshly tucked with clean sheets.  Everything makes him so uneasy, so aware of how he’s running out of time, but his mouth is dry, his heart is heavy.  What can he do?  What can he say?  

Because this is all too good to be true.  To feel the energy of those green eyes, the heat of Eren’s touch, to be object of his affections...it’s dizzying, dazing.  Realization doesn’t hit him until he’s sitting across from Eren at the table, until he’s looking at the younger man over the dinner he’s made, until Eren’s eyes flit up and meet his gaze, until he stops nervously biting at his bottom lip, until dark pink curves up, lines form at the edges of his lips, eyes squint gently.  It’s silly and silent, and Levi can feel the heat on his face, but at the other end of that stare is the only thing he could ask for.

Being in the light of that smile, it’s all Levi wants.  

He’s never wanted anything more.

But can he be someone to make that smile keep coming back?  Can he be the one to bring the curve to those lips?  

It’s been so long...so long since he’s wanted something like this, wanted someone so close, wanted to give himself away...so long since he’s had someone cook for him, only him, so long since he’s sat across from someone and thought about what their plans would be for the next day, for next week, for next semester, and it makes his heart unsteady in its beating, makes his hands shake as he watches Eren serve the food.  But still, it’s different.  It’s Eren, the one who has shielded him from himself, the one who sparks heat beneath his skin...the one who has awakened the better part of him, the part that would do anything to make Eren smile.  “Thank you...for everything.”  It’s not enough, not the right words, but it’s all he can manage without his voice breaking.

Faint, soft, Eren’s lips turn up, turn Levi’s doubts to a moment of clarity.  “Thank me after you’ve tasted it.”

Ignoring his aching stomach, Levi manages to eat for the first time today, working to dull his anxiety, fill his empty gut.  Comfortable silence falls over them, and he is overwhelmed by the heat that permeates his skin, the blush over his body, the warmth of dinner, the energy behind Eren’s eyes.  And he doesn’t notice until he’s finished, until he’s cleaned his plate, but Eren hasn’t stopped watching, hasn’t stopped smiling.  “I guess I’ll keep that recipe.”

A dreamy feeling washes over Levi, his body feels heavy in his chair, weighed down with the prospect of plans, of a future, of a place that feels more like home than any place he’s ever known, a place on the receiving end of Eren’s smile.  His body is heavy, but his insides are light, fluttery, and his head feels like it’s in the clouds, like he’s dreaming of some unlikely place, writing himself into a better situation, like he’s too hopeful.  

But it’s so hard to stay grounded as they rinse the dishes together, washing them and putting them away with gentle brushes of shoulders, fingertips, and hips.  It’s so hard to stay anchored, so hard to stay realistic when Eren turns to him, a dish towel draped over his shoulder, and presses a kiss between the hairs on Levi’s forehead.  Because when he’s with Eren, he’s living in a daydream.  When he’s caught in that green gaze he’s breathing in the reality of a misguided fantasy, a premature thought dreamed up by his idle brain during class.

It’s so hard to stay focused, because dreams aren’t so easily achieved, life doesn’t fall so easily into place.  But it’s so hard to find the catch, to see the faults at the edges of this reality, because his body, his mind, fantasy and reality, they meet here in his dizzy form, they anxiously fall into place as Eren finishes putting the last dish away and turns to Levi.  If he wasn’t without voice, without reason, he’d take this moment, this future, this man for himself.  Instead, he wraps his shaking arms around Eren’s steady waist, sinks into the warmth, begs silently for the strength to restore his chest, the rhythm to return to his heart, the force to revive his lungs.  

They unconsciously sway, standing as one in the kitchen, Eren’s arms tight around Levi’s shoulders.  “What are the plans for the rest of the night?”  The words are muffled by Eren’s shirt, tight and soft and red against his chest.  He’s hoping for comfortable clothes, stupid movies, bodies curled up on the couch, tangled in blankets.  He’s hoping for silence, for whispered words, but the promise of facing his feelings, of admitting his intentions, it takes the breath from his chest, the strength from his body, the sense from his head.  

Soft buzzing on the counter shatters his thoughts, repeated and patterned against the solid surface.  “Well, I guess step one is turning off my phone.”  It continues to ring as texts come in and light up the screen, relentless and ceaseless until Eren moves.  Reluctant, he drops his arms and steps over to his phone, shaking his head.  “I guess word got around that I’m not going to my friend’s party tonight.”  Frowning at his phone, concern draws lines in his face in his raised eyebrows, his turned lips, his low eyelids, and his thumbs pad against the glass.  

Stationary on the tile, he wants to move closer, to touch Eren’s arm, to do anything to make that smile return.  “Because of me?”

“I’d rather spend time with you.”  Setting his phone down, he leans against the counter, holds a hand out to Levi, looks down at him with a forced smile as the vibrations continue.

Neither the words nor the smile convince Levi, his cheeks don’t turn up, his lips are tight, so Levi leans into him, buries himself in the fabric of Eren’s shirt.  What can he do?  What can he say?  “What if I went with you?”  It’s out of character for him, suggesting something that would normally be out of the question, but he says it anyway, lets Eren move him with the hold on his shoulders, looking down at him with confusion in his eyes.  Avoiding eye contact, avoiding another forced smile, he clears his throat.  Anything.  He’ll do anything.  “We’re throwing a party for my friend’s engagement next Saturday at that new club downtown.  Come to that and we’re even.”

But he can't avoid that gaze for long, can't keep his eyes away when Eren wraps his long fingers around Levi's chin, tipping it up, staring down into him.  “I'd love that.”  And the corners of his lips turn up, revealing his set in smile lines.

“Would that make you happy?”  Eren looks into him, and it churns Levi's stomach.  What does Eren see behind the stormy grey that makes him keep coming back?

Chewing on his lip, searching Levi's face for something, he leans in close, eyes closed, lips nearly touching.  “Very.”  And he presses a short kiss to Levi's lips, brings a blush to his cheeks, and a mirrored smile to his face, not as brilliant, not as stunning, but it makes Eren light up, makes him lean in again, closing the space, drawing him into another quiet  kiss, one that leaves Levi wanting more.  Standing between Eren's wide stance, leaning his head into the younger man's chest, Levi listens to the deep rumble of his words through his body.  “It will be fun.  We can walk with Armin from my apartment and both of us can drink.”  Squeezing Levi in his arms, he presses his lips to the top of Levi's head.  “And we can leave whenever you want.”

Maybe he could've had this kind of night, one with Eren in his soft tshirt and tight legged running pants, but he chases after this dreamy feeling, chases after Eren, pulls on suitable clothes, ties a white scarf around his neck to cover the dark marks Eren left indented beneath his skin.  Bundling up against the cool wind, waiting for the next signs of winter, Levi crawls into Eren’s car, pursuing the surreal feeling of Eren’s hand on his thigh, seeking after the illusory energy behind his eyes, the intangible warmth of that smile.

Magnetic, seductive, irresistible, he’s following after that unreachable force, because Levi is letting the greed get the best of him, letting himself want, need.  So he lets Eren lead him up the stairs to his apartment, makes surprisingly easy small talk with Armin and Annie in the kitchen, waits as Eren changes in his bedroom.  He lets himself fall into the background when Eren returns, watches the way the three of them move together, feels warmth spread through his body as they tap shot glasses, tip back something that tastes like pie.  It feels...so good when Eren grabs his hand as they make their way down the sidewalk, so good to be quiet with Annie, to listen to Eren and Armin chatter on about last year’s party, to feel the warmth of his skin buzzing against the cool air.

Slowing as they near an apartment building, Eren holds the door open, pulling Levi aside as the other two walk toward the party.  “Ready?”  Unzipping his coat, pulling off his hat, Eren reads Levi’s face, satisfied when the older man gives a short nod.

This would be a good moment, wouldn’t it?  To grab Eren as he turns toward the noises down the hall, to lay claim to his feelings, to make Eren his...he could do it now, drag him home, take his time, his attention.  He could…  Two quick steps between them, that’s it.  He could close this space, delete it forever, fill the emptiness that has crept up in his chest.

His fingers envelop Eren’s elbow, crinkle the material of his coat, stopping Eren in his tracks, stopping Levi’s heart in his chest.  He looks down at Levi, turns to him, but no words come from Levi’s mouth, nothing escapes his lungs, nothing rolls off of his tongue.  And it looks like Eren is about to fill the space, to release them of this silence, but Levi moves closer, steadies himself with a hand on Eren’s shoulder, steals Eren’s lips, hopes for words to form in his head, but nothing comes, nothing emerges from the mess of his thoughts.  So he acts like that was all he had on his mind when they pull apart, follows Eren into the party, feels himself give in, give up, allows himself to be absorbed by the atmosphere of the room, hoping that a little more alcohol will free up his tongue, release his thoughts.

Watching Eren move with ease through the people, Levi tries to disregard the confused looks, tries to ignore how good Eren looks in his dark blue jeans, how good his arms look with the sleeves of his solid, maroon button down folded up near the elbow, tries not to notice other people noticing too, but it’s impossible.  Next to him, Eren is bright, energetic, colorful.  Next to him, Eren draws attention from everyone he passes, good and bad.  Levi is dull, body, mind, clothes, he is blacks and greys.  Eren is color.  Eren is red, and no amount of alcohol can let him overlook his mistakes, let him forget how that energy could be his if he could only spit it out.

So he sticks close by Eren’s side, and Eren never tries to shake him.  He stands near, within reach, being told names he won't remember tomorrow paired with blushing, smiling faces, accepts handshakes, tries not to blink when Eren introduces him as his friend.  He takes shots every time someone new arrives, taking part if only to lessen his own awareness of his awkward behavior.  He stays quiet, stays in the background, stays where he is comfortable, but when he does speak, when he does move forward, the effect of the alcohol is apparent, driving him to loosen his scarf around his neck, airing out his flushed skin and revealing the marks on his neck and collarbone.  He can’t keep himself from noticing how quiet Eren is, even in the noisy apartment, as he watches the younger man sit on the armrest of the couch and pat the space next to him.

“That is quite the kiss mark you've got there.”  The voice is so close, coming from next to him on the couch as a warm hand graces his neck, pulling back his scarf.  He moves his hand to cover his neck, to brush away the touch, but it is already removed.  

“Personal space, Reiner.”  Eren’s voice seems so distant, so shaky, or maybe it’s just Levi, maybe he needs to stop drinking.  He turns toward the man next to him, taking in a sly smile, light hair, stocky and way too close.

Turning his gaze from Levi up to Eren, the blond moves his upper body to face him, smirk on his lips.  “Someone's jealous.”

Jealous.  Why would the person that left those marks on his body be jealous?  Levi lets a puff of air out of his chest and through his nose, almost a laugh until he turns to look at Eren.  Lips tight, straight, jaw clenched, eyebrows low, Eren doesn’t pull his gaze away from Reiner, doesn’t confirm or deny, because he's so aware of it.  Reaching for him, wanting to shake him from this moment, Levi brushes Eren’s leg with his fingertips, but he doesn't lighten up, doesn’t even look at Levi, just stands and walks away.  “I'm getting another drink.”

“He's so easy to rile up when he's drunk.”  Reiner laughs, but Levi can barely hear it over the music, can barely comprehend it as he follows Eren to the near empty kitchen.

Avoiding Levi’s gaze, staring down the rim of a cup of water, Eren chews his lip, leans against the counter.  The space between them is bigger than it’s ever been, and Levi dares a step closer, almost crossing the line, because Eren is so withdrawn, so detached, so far away from Levi’s touch and blocked by the other people in the room.  It’s silence in the middle of a noisy party, heavy, empty silence, and all Levi wants is for Eren to look up, to smile, to plant a kiss on his forehead, to break this quiet.  Because the words that don’t fall from his mouth make Levi uneasy, the pain poised on Eren’s tongue is unsettling.

Letting out a deep breath, Eren turns his eyes toward Levi when everyone leaves the kitchen, but they are so far from alone as Levi takes another step closer.  “This is...bad.”  His fingers shake a little as he takes a sip of his water, and he swallows hard as he sets the cup down heavily on the counter.  Levi is glued to the floor, anchored in confusion, but he can hardly breathe, hardly see.  “If I say what I want to...this will be ruined.”  Ruined...Levi can’t bring himself to ask, can’t do much of anything aside from let his eyes flit back and forth between Eren’s shiny green, but Eren fills the space, and though his voice serves to calm Levi down, Eren’s words only begin to tear at him, rip him apart.  “This day, this date...things between us…”  

What?

“This is harder than I thought it was going to be.”  Staring down at his shoes, Eren’s eyes give no comfort, his words are shaky and gravelly, and all Levi can think about is the space between them, the thickness of the air, the heavy words slipping from Eren’s mouth.  “...Watching people talk to you...touch you…”  This doesn’t make any sense, he can’t really be jealous, can’t really be blind to how much Levi needs him.  “I can’t even tell them to back off.”  

He has to say something.  If he doesn’t say something now, he’ll never have a chance.  If he had just spit it out earlier, just told him...they wouldn’t be having this conversation, Levi’s heart wouldn’t be pounding against his ribcage, daring to break free.  "Why don't you just tell them that we’re dating?”  He just wishes that Eren would look up, would give him a little, meet his eyes with his usual energy.  If he looks up, it can all be saved.

Shaking his head, Eren turns his eyes toward Levi, looking straight at him, but it’s not his usual look.  It's weary green, glassy, wet, exhausted and he just looks...empty, worn down, and it comes through when he speaks.  "It’s not enough...it's just not enough anymore.”

This is Levi’s fault.  He should’ve said it earlier, should’ve told Eren...should've done anything besides what he's done.  People move through the kitchen, his body feels so heavy, head is so dizzy, and he needs to fix this, fix this before it gets too far out of control.  “Can we go somewhere quiet?"

Eren moves without warning, barely touching Levi’s elbow when he passes, Eren urges him to follow, makes his way down the short hallway, peeking into a bedroom and entering.  Stepping in, Levi clicks the door shut and takes in the room, outlines every detail of the space, every book on the shelf, everything except the look in Eren's eyes.  Because his best laid plans have gone to shit, his good intentions have been smothered, and all the practiced words, the hopes, they've been thrown out, lost somewhere unreachable.  They stand in silence for a long time, swaying a little on drunken legs, and Levi can't form the right words.  "Maybe we should talk about this."  It's all he can manage, all he can say with the anxiety ripping through his gut.  He can feel it in his face, shaking in his bitten lips, furrowed eyebrows, widened eyes.

"Judging by your expression, I don't think I want to hear it."  The movement happens before the words can even register in Levi’s head...Eren reaches for door handle, pulls at it, but Levi presses his weight into the door, back flush with the wood.  His body is hot, but inside his chest is cold...empty as his fingers lace over Eren’s on the door handle.  Stalled, slowed, their faces are so close, bodies almost touching, but they are distanced, isolated from the party, from one another, and Eren’s words ring in Levi’s head, the words removed of meaning, erased of reality.  

"Eren, please."  Levi leans into the door, using everything he has to keep Eren here, keep him close.  As long as he’s close...this can be erased...because he’s reading this all wrong, he’s misunderstanding everything, he thinks Levi is going to leave him, thinks that Levi wants out.  "Let's go back to your place and talk about this."  And Levi can’t even fix it.  Levi can’t even get the words out, because everything in his head is standing in the way...everything he’s faced shakes through his body, flows through his veins, seizes up his limbs.  Even if he got Eren home, sobered him up, Levi’s tongue wouldn’t cooperate long enough to let him know, to let him in...

Because he should’ve called this day off at the first signs of failure.  Should never have come here.  Should never have been so selfish to think that this could work, that this dream could be reality, that he could be happy…  Because Eren retreats, falls away from Levi, sits on the bed, props his feet up on the frame, his elbows on his knees.  Silence creeps between them, and Levi finds stability in leaning against the door, pressing his shaking hands into the wood, stretching out his fingers against it.  It steadies him, holds him up, because what comes next is sure to quake the earth beneath his feet, sweep his legs out from beneath him.  What comes next is sure to knock the wind out of him, to knock him back into reality.

Quiet, hoarse, Eren’s voice is so far off, so distant as it falls upon his ears.  He is as far away as he can be, but so close to the hurt that lurks behind Eren’s eyes, behind Eren’s tongue.  “I know your heart isn’t in it.”  

His heart… isn’t in it?

Completely silenced, not even a breath of air escapes Levi’s lips.  His chest is empty.  Hollow.  He repeats the word over again and again in his head, like it’s the only solid word he can grasp onto, like it’s the only thing holding him up against the door, the only thing keeping him from dropping his knees to the carpeting.  Everything else is just dazing, dizzying...everything else is...nothing compared to this.  Someone who wasn’t so empty inside wouldn’t treat Eren this way, wouldn’t have reduced Eren to the silent form before him.  

This was never his intention...never what he wanted.  All he wants is to make Eren happy, to see that smile again, those flexing green eyes, the single dimple indented in his cheek, freckles dancing on that tanned face...he wants that smile more than anything else, more than anything for himself.

His heart is...beating out of his chest, plummeting into his stomach.  

This is what he’s doing.  This is what he’s doing to Eren.  He isn’t the one to make Eren smile...he’s the one that’s taking that smile away, the one taking Eren’s energy, absorbing his light.

Stumbling forward on uneasy legs, crossing the bridge between them, Levi looks down at Eren, watches him run his fingers through his hair, breathe heavily.  No thoughts cross Levi’s mind as Eren firmly places his feet on the ground, looks up into Levi.  No thoughts as Eren’s hand presses against his own chest, long fingers grasping at his shirt, fist straining against his ribs.  "It hurts, Levi."

He isn’t being unreasonable.  He’s afraid.  He’s alone.  Levi can recognize it in his voice. It’s unmistakeable.  

This is what it feels like to break someone.  

“Please…”  Eren pats the spot on the bed beside him with his other hand, not releasing his hold on his shirt, his hold over himself.  Moving out of instinct, out of reflex, Levi sits beside him, feels his body moving without permission, without thought or coordination, and their bodies turn toward each other.

Moving in the sky outside the window, the clouds part long enough to let the light of the moon creep in the window.  It draws lines on Eren’s face, illuminates glassy green, and the clarity aches beneath Levi’s skin.  He’s exhausted, heart heavy, he’s aching, breaking, and his lips won’t form the words, won’t allow him the satisfaction.  Because it isn’t the fear of the decreasing space between him and others, it isn’t that he’s sweating over proximity, over attraction, over closeness, and cuddling and happiness.  Gripping at him, he’d swear he can feel the ghostly fingers of his past around his wrist, pulling at him, dragging him down.  Because it was never about him getting hurt...it was about hurting someone else.  He can handle it.  He can handle it alone.  But hurting the only person who has shown him kindness, the only person willing to give anything...it’s unbearable.  “Eren-”

But Eren slides his hands over Levi’s, fingers gently wrapping around his wrists.  “Please...don’t say anything.”  And he leans in, tentative, weary, but he doesn’t take Levi’s lips in his, doesn’t move, doesn’t breathe, just lets those eyes trace over Levi’s face, take in every detail.  

That must’ve been the way Levi looked the last night he spent with Farlan...the one and only time he was allowed to visit during the internship.  He didn’t want to talk...didn’t want to hear the excuses, the lies.  Silence was better.  Silence during the car ride to his apartment.  Silence as they walked up the stairs.  It’s the same look Eren gives him now, the one he gave Farlan when he dragged him to bed, begged him not to talk, not to ruin it.  

Because it doesn’t matter what the intentions were...doesn’t matter what was going to be said, if the words don’t come out, nothing has changed...if he can’t say it, it isn’t over.  So Eren closes the short distance between their lips, locks the words inside Levi’s chest, makes him bear it for a little while longer.

_ I want you. _

He slides his hands up Levi’s arms, spreads his warmth into Levi’s skin, and the older man accepts every movement...revels in every touch, because this is it.  Laying Levi out on his back, Eren crawls over him, letting his full weight press against Levi’s chest, takes his breath away with his kiss.  Tongues tangle, fingers slip at the edges of clothes, pulling at the hems of shirts, tugging at buttons, searching for purchase wherever skin can be revealed. 

_ I need you. _

And he doesn’t do anything to stop it...doesn’t do anything to stop Eren’s touch, because this is never what he wanted.  He never wanted to do to Eren what Farlan did to him.  But it's inevitable if this continues.  He'll shatter Eren's incredible persistence, ruin him forever, take everything he has to offer and leave him with nothing in return.  Nothing.  It's less that what Farlan left him.  He is, undoubtedly, worse than Farlan ever was.  He isn't being fair.  He was never thinking.  Never considering anything but feeling good wrapped up in Eren...

_ I love you... _

In Eren's warmth... Eren's light...  his smile, bright, shining green.  Eren's happiness.  He's been stealing it all for himself, and now look at Eren...he's a mess.  He's empty, and broken, and it's Levi's fault.  So he gives Eren this one last thing, keeps the words locked away, lets them eat away at his heart, tear at his chest.  They’ll only hurt Eren more...only break him...so he pulls Eren in when the younger man’s kiss is directed as his lips, drowns in the heat, drinks in the light, wraps his arms tight around his bare neck, teases his nape with his fingertips.

_ But I can’t bear to be the one to break you _ .

It’s easier this way.  Sooner rather than later...because if it hurts him this much right now, before the confessions, before they get any closer, when they weren’t even officially together, then the inevitable end of their relationship would ruin him later.  It’s unavoidable.  The pain is unavoidable, so now is better.  Easier.  It’ll be easier for Eren.  So when he pulls away, hastily tugs the shirt from his back, tossing it to the floor, Levi bites his tongue, he’ll keep it in.  Leaning back down, readjusting, Eren’s hands come down on either side of Levi’s face, gently, swiftly, but the movement triggers a reaction in Levi.  It’s unintentional, unexpected, but the reflex was beaten into him, to shield his face, to block the blow.  It’s the alcohol, the nerves, the buildup of anxiety, but it’s so obvious, so clear when he opens up his eyes, lowers his hands.

"Did you just?"  Pain aches from Eren’s chest, laces itself into his words, because Levi flinched, Levi flinched at the subtle movement of Eren’s hand, and the recognition is rooted deep in the darkest parts of Eren’s eyes, the dilated pupils, the widened eyelids.  “Did you think I was going to hit you?”  Eren stays perched over him, halted in shock, stalled in disbelief, but Levi can't move, can't breathe, can hardly speak.

"Eren, no."  But it isn’t convincing to either of them, his heart pounds in his chest, his throat is tight, and everything moves around him, leaves him behind.

The world moves on without him as Eren scrambles off of his motionless body, covering his mouth with his hands.  He’s a million miles away.  He’s gone, seated at the foot of the bed.  "You should go."

What has he done?  What the fuck has he done?  "I'm not leaving you like this."  Sitting up, grabbing his shirt, Levi reaches out to Eren’s shoulder, feels the heat in his throat.  How has he only ever managed to fuck everything up?  How has he only ever managed to put more space between the two of them when all he wanted was to be closer?

Brushing away the touch, retreating, Eren shields his eyes, buries his face in his hands.  "You need to get out of here."  How has he only ever managed to hurt Eren further...make him feel responsible for this not working...for this hurting so badly?

"Is that really what you want?”  If it is, if this is what Eren wants, then there’s no going back...there’s no hoping that his words could change the outcome.  He should’ve known that he could never be enough...could never be so whole, so healed, could never be there for Eren when he needed Levi the most.  He should’ve known that he could never have the life he daydreams about, that he can’t put so much weight in a fantasy, because he can’t be the one that Eren needs...can’t be the one that Eren turns to, because he’s so selfish, so self-absorbed that he didn’t realize what he was doing…never thought of Eren’s heart, the damage he has done with every step, the pain he’s caused, the harm he’s done with each kiss, each touch.

"You don't want to be with me anyway."  

But he does...he wants nothing more.  It makes this impossible...makes this too much to endure, makes his body so heavy as he pulls himself from the bed, makes his limbs ache as he puts one leg in front of the other and closes the door between them.  Every person he passes on the way out the door of this party is listless.  Every word muttered, every time he bumps into someone, it feels like nothing against his numb body, because he is already broken beyond repair...already too far gone as he steps out of the building and heads to the main road.

Every inch between them is killing him, but he presses forward on the sidewalk, pulls farther away.  It’s weighing on his heart, aching in his chest, but he keeps walking, puts distance between them, does as Eren says, loses himself with every footstep, because he can’t hurt Eren...can’t bear it.  

He’s managed to weaken Eren, tear him down completely.  But Eren will heal, he’ll move on, find someone new, someone worth his time, his kindness, his kiss.  He’ll find someone who will accept him from the beginning, someone who knows what they want.  He’ll be happier this way.  It’s the only thought that keeps Levi moving, keeps his heart beating, his blood pumping, because as long as he can’t make that glassy look grow in Eren’s eyes, as long as he never has to see Eren hurt, he can keep going.  

He can ignore the gravity pulling against his body, the chill of the air on his skin, the icy tears that dare to well up in his eyes, because Levi doesn’t care if he breaks, doesn’t care if he falls to the pavement, stops his erratic breathing altogether...he doesn't care.

As long as Eren will move on.

As long as Eren will be okay...be happy.

Because Levi was never cut out for the job, never made for the attention, the closeness.  His heart was never full enough...never big enough to hold Eren up, to keep the light in those eyes.  His body was never strong enough, so he distances himself from Eren, lets the cold air burn in his chest, lets the vapors form before his eyes on every exhale, lets his muscles ache, his head spin, his stomach churn as he pushes his pace, smacks his shoes against the sidewalk.  He lets himself feel the pain spread beneath his skin, ache over every muscle, he lets himself feel every bit, lets it drown him.  

The darkness closes in on him, snuffs out the light, smothers every bit of energy Eren gave him.

And he’s alone as the dense cloud takes him over.


	10. Stay With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because there is no apology worth Eren’s smile, no admission worth Eren’s heart, no part of him worth Eren's happiness. So he'll give him up, let him go, let him move on. Eren will be okay, he'll find someone new, someone smiley, young, someone who can commit, someone who can give him their heart without so much reluctance. Eren will forget about him, hate him, resent him, but he'll be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hold on tight.
> 
> Bonus points if you're feeling extra angsty:  
> Somebody Else - The 1975  
> Into You - The Cinematic Orchestra  
> Lover, Please Stay - Nothing But Thieves

**** Late in the season, every day aches closer to December, to Winter. The trees are already bare, the grass already fading to a dull green, the world clouded, grey. It's fitting...the way the sky looks bare, empty, but it's completely covered in seemingly motionless clouds. Every day grows colder. Every day grows darker.

And Levi does the same.

The whir of heavy rain on the pavement serves as background to his thoughts, serves as a wake up from his daze as he stands on the doorstep of his apartment building, barely shielded from the rain by the awning. He holds a hand out, pulling back his sleeve, catching the heavy drops in his palm, feeling them cooling his skin, dampening, dripping. Watching the beads of rain splash against him, a car pulls into his field of vision, headlights catching the drops as they fall, and he draws his hand in, flicking the water to the ground.

Hanji waves through the window, beckoning him to her car, and he complies without question, opens his umbrella, and steps into the rain. He has half a mind to go without it, to feel the rain soak his clothes, to stand beneath the cold water, feel himself be swept away by a gust of wind, lose himself in the rainfall, but he doesn't have time to change, doesn't have the energy to argue.

So he doesn't resist or grumble when he slides into her car, doesn't move away when she touches his shoulder, just offers a tired smile in response to her genuine one, closes his eyes as she drives off, sinks into himself.

He feels like he could fall asleep here in the front seat of her car, because sleep actively evades him when the sun goes down...or he evades it. Because his bed is too full of memories of Eren. Because his bedroom is the place they've spent the most time alone. Because finally falling asleep there is fine, but waking up alone...waking up in a cold sweat, it's too much for him to handle. Especially when Eren should be there, Eren should be on the other side of that bed...his body should be weighing down the other side of the mattress, taking up the blankets, crossing the center of the bed, brushing Levi's skin, holding him tight when the dreams shake him awake, pushing the hair from his face, the sweat from his skin, the shakiness from his limbs...

He catches himself before the thought gets too deep, before he gets caught up in it. Because he's so used to escaping into a daydream when things get shitty, when things feel dark, but his daydreams have turned into a fucking nightmare. He's unsafe in his own thoughts...he's digging himself deeper. He presses his fingers into his knees, pulls himself into this moment, this time, opens his eyes and looks out the window as Hanji rolls into a parking space at the dry cleaners.

Now he's wanting something that he's actively ruined, nostalgic for something that's never existed. He had a taste of it, and his mind slips away to those moments, to memories mixed with thoughts of the future they'll never see. It's not fair, finding comfort in Eren's memory, being warmed by just the thought of his kiss, being calmed by the inkling of the beat of his heart, so he doesn't put up a fight. He doesn't fall away from the pain, he welcomes it, leans into it, rests his head in his hands, lets his heart pound against his chest. Because Eren is alone. Eren is less than 20 miles away, but he is unreachable, at least to Levi. He's alone, dark, and it's Levi's fault. This is what he's done, so he forces air through his aching chest, feels the tight hold of darkness around his lungs, lets the weight of it all come crashing down around him. And though the air is wracking through his body, heaving in his chest, his lungs are on fire, he's drowning. Sharp and dull, his pain doubles him over, forces him to cover his mouth to stifle the noise that aches from his chest. And he feels the beginning of tears from the ache in his throat, something he hasn't experienced in so long, something he hasn't allowed himself to experience. But the tears don't fall. He aches into a certain numbness, feeling the nothingness pulse through his veins.

Taking a deep breath in through his nose, he sits up straight, leans back into the seat as Hanji opens the door, gathers what little he has left of himself together. He fixes his tie, straightens his suit coat, and slowly lets out his breath, closing his eyes for a moment, taking in the darkness, the sound of the patterning rain against the roof of the car.

"Okay, we'll only be a little late." She rustles the bags of dry cleaning in the back seat before adjusting her own clothes, running her fingers down her dress pants.  "You're quiet."  He has no energy for a snappy remark....no energy for anything at all. Not the usual banter, the usual fake scolding. He has nothing. And nothing has him. "Levi..." Breaking through his silence, Levi turns to Hanji, searches for the warmth in her voice, but he's too far gone to feel it.

He pulls the folded fabric of his pants into his fists, drawing lines into the thighs, releasing and flattening it back against his skin and breathing again. "I know...I'm sorry."

"Wow. You're really not yourself today." Glancing over at Levi, Hanji traces knowing eyes over him, pausing over his shaking hands, turning back to the road. "Is this a normal amount of anxiety or something else?"

Surprise sparks in his gut, but it is stifled in seconds. She is his oldest friend, the one that keeps him grounded, the one that keeps him afloat, because his silences are more than quiet to her, are more than his actual words. "Something else." Her head is always going, crunching numbers, possibilities, running through his thoughts before he even has a chance to consider them.

"Is this about seeing Farlan?" And sometimes she is way off-base. If that were his only issue, he'd be in much better shape.

"No." Because he really has no choice. Farlan grew up with Erwin, stuck by his side through university, of course he'd come to Erwin's engagement parties. "It hadn't even crossed my mind since you mentioned that he was coming." He's been so wrapped up in himself, so distracted that he doesn't have any energy to be upset about Farlan.

Nothing more comes out of his mouth. Silence weighs down the car as they pull up to the bar, but Hanji doesn't rush to go in, doesn't panic about being late, she just turns to Levi, watches, waits for the right answer to slip from his tight lips. Normally, the silence wouldn't bother him, it wouldn't eat away at his composure, but even the dull sound of the radio and the rattle of rain against the car isn't enough to muffle his thoughts. He's losing his grip...losing himself, falling into the unexpected warmth of nothingness.

Crossing his arms, fixing his gaze on the vent on the dashboard, he finally starts to speak, voice quiet against the rain. "Eren and I..." It sounds weird, putting them together like that when it's already over, when it never really began. "...we're done." It's the first time he's said it, the first time he's admitted it out loud, and the weight of those words fall heavily from his mouth, release something inside him, spill more words from his lips. "It kinda feels good...knowing that it's actually my fault."  With Farlan he had to convince himself, told himself that he could've done something to save it, that it was his fault that Farlan left, but it wasn't. Farlan made his own decisions, and Levi is doing the same now.

"What did you do?" Turning toward her, he traces the lines in her face, the outline of her glasses, the turned down corners of her lips. The concern is obvious in her furrowed eyebrows, glassy eyes, but it doesn't reach him. He's too far gone.

"I gave up." It's so plain when he says it, so crisp and clear, and Hanji's eyes are wide. But it's true, he gave up...on trying to feel better, on trying to be better. He loves giving up, lives for giving up, because it's so much easier than giving everything he's got, so much easier than getting his hopes up, so much easier than going through the pain. Giving up now is easier than ripping Eren apart, easier than watching Eren grow to resent him. "I'm not so selfish that I'd let him give his happiness for mine."

Narrowing her eyes, she squints at him through thick lenses, shifts in her seat. "That's not how it's supposed to be-"

"You know me though..." Of course that's not how it's supposed to be... of course it's not, but that's how it is for him. That's just the reality of it. "I was never made for this." Never made for the affections of another person, never made to accept the only person he so desperately wants. It only ends with him feeling like this...alone. Empty.

"Levi-" She tries to reach out to him, but Hanji's words can't change him, nothing can, so he puts up his hand, lets his lips curve up into a sad smile.

"Please. Save me the lecture. I've already made up my mind...and so has he. He hasn't contacted me in a week." The texts have stopped all together, Eren's pushy behavior has ceased entirely, he didn't even show up to their class, and the silence weighs heavy in his head. But what did he expect? What did he honestly think was going to happen? He was right all along...being involved with Levi was ripping Eren apart, turning him into someone he's not.

Something like pity crosses Hanji's face, sympathy in her tight lips, but he's too hollow to care. "Have you tried to call him?"

Shaking his head, he leans back into the seat, closes his eyes. "Why do more damage?" If he calls, if they speak, if Eren doesn't answer, this will all be over...no more wondering if there's some way to change the outcome, no more hoping that he can pull himself together long enough to accept his feelings.

Dismissing the thought, brushing it away, he finds himself silently thanking Hanji's phone for ringing, for reminding them that they're already over an hour late, that there are more important things to tend to as the clock drifts toward 9 and the sky lingers in the firm darkness. So they leave the conversation locked behind the foggy windows of the car, swallowing whatever words were creeping up his throat, burying whatever hope was swelling in his stomach. He follows Hanji through the rain, through two sets of doors, and represses the tingling in his fingers, muffling his thoughts with the noise of conversation, of music hushed by chatter, of the clinking of glasses, of footsteps, and anything but the thought of Eren.

He thinks of anything but the burning in his chest, the fire that spreads out behind his ribcage, uncomfortable heat taking over his lungs, tightening his diaphragm, hoping Erwin won't be able to read it on his face. He thinks of anything but the emptiness in his heart as he approaches the bar, anything but green eyes as he orders himself ice water, hoping it will quell the heat in his gut, freeze over his barely beating heart, block out his thoughts. But it does nothing to stop it, does nothing to cease the underlying anxiety that has a hold over his body, so he takes the shot of whiskey that Hanji orders him without question, and lets it set the rest of him on fire instead.

It doesn't help...it never does, but he still tries to drown out his the tension with alcohol, tries to smother himself with music, with watching his friends talk, laugh, smile, tries to pretend that he isn't breaking, that he isn't barely holding himself together. Because this is a time for friends, for celebration. He can see it on their faces, can see the joy behind Erwin's eyes when he's looking at Mike, when they're shaking hands with colleagues, when they're accepting congratulations.  He can read the curve of their fingers as they touch, the proximity of their bodies as they hug friends, greet people from college that Levi should recognize but doesn't.  He knows there is happiness in the room, knows that he’s passing for his usual, quiet self, but he can’t feel anything but the warmth in his cheeks, the ache of mistakes in his throat.

Slipping away from the downward glances, the repeated touching, Levi makes his way into the bathroom near the entrance.  Washing his hands in the sink, patting the cool water against the hot skin of his face, he gives a tired look in the mirror.  He doesn't feel like himself. But maybe that's the point. He isn't himself. He's empty. And maybe if he does this, if he can shake this off, he can escape himself for the night, he can do something stupid, something out of character... His hair is slicked back, but the rain has rustled a few pieces loose in the front, letting them touch his forehead. His clothes are new, crisp, black and white and tucked perfectly, jacket the perfect length, perfect cut. His reflection is startling, the clear view of his eyes, his pale face blotchy with blush brought on by alcohol, his dark circles, even in the warm light of the bathroom, he looks horrible, exhausted, worn down.

Maybe a few more shots will help him lose himself entirely.  Rid himself of the feeling completely.  Maybe a few more shots will allow him to fall asleep without trouble tonight, without feeling alone, without wondering what Eren is up to.  Is he alone?  Is he okay?  The water does nothing to cool him, nothing to allow him to breathe, so he heads for the door, for the chill of the late November air, for the wind and the water and the darkness outside the doors to wake him up, to bring him back, to bring a bit of reason to his mind.  Trying not to hyperventilate, not to make a scene, he stands against the wall of the building, away from the trickle of people walking in.  

The cold air seeps into his body, chills his skin, but it doesn’t stop his heart from pounding, doesn’t stop his eyes from meeting the gaze of a man a few feet away on the other side of the crowd, doesn’t stop him from melting into himself, wishing he were anywhere else.  His clothes are tidy, dark red button down tucked into black pants, black tie lying neatly around his neck, collar looking surprisingly dull against the skin of his face, the deep brown of his hair next to the soft, black wool of his coat.  He isn’t here with anyone else, isn’t here by chance, because their eyes meet again, green reaching out to Levi from across the walkway.  How long has he been standing here?  How long has he been wondering if he should enter?  

Eren keeps his distance, hesitating to approach, and his lips don’t turn up into a smile, don’t acknowledge Levi with a smirk, he just works his bottom lip between his teeth, nervously tugging at his lip ring.  Hands tucked safely in his pockets, he wavers on his feet, swaying on the sidewalk, but he doesn’t come closer, doesn’t close the gap, 

And Levi can’t even hear the thoughts racing through his head, can’t hear anything above the thrumming of his heart in his chest, but the closer he gets, the further apart they’ll end up.  Every step toward Eren is an erasure of closeness, the tearing down of what they’ve built together, the elimination of all they’ve done, everything they’ve said, every touch they’ve shared.  But he can’t stop his body, can’t cease his footsteps, because he’s moving in on Eren, because his heart can’t bear the distance between them, but his head knows that after this, it will all be over, and he’s not ready.  He’s not ready for this to be over, to be officially wiped away, but he gives himself no choice, he stops with a few feet between them, opens his mouth, waiting for something to come out, waiting for anything at all.

Focusing on the fold of Eren’s tie, the button holding his collar down, Levi can’t speak, can’t look up into Eren’s eyes, can’t begin to formulate the words that jumble behind his lips.  Because there is no apology worth Eren’s smile, no admission worth Eren’s heart, no part of him worth Eren's happiness.  So he'll give him up, let him go, let him move on.  Eren will be okay, he'll find someone new, someone smiley, young, someone who can commit, someone who can give him their heart without so much reluctance.  Eren will forget about him, hate him, resent him, but he'll be okay.

It's all he could ask for...that the man who has his heart is happy.  That's what makes this so hard.  Eren doesn't even know it, but how could he?  How could he know that Levi's heart is breaking, that when he sends Eren away he'll be losing himself, breaking away from the part of himself that Eren awakened, the part of him that wants connection, love?  

Silence thrives in the space between them, and they are background to the rain, the people.  They stand looking everywhere but into each other's eyes until the cold seeps into their skin, shudders in their bones.  “You're shivering…” When Eren finally speaks, when words shake from his lips, it startles Levi from his thoughts.  “Can we talk inside?”  And he holds a hand out to Levi, like he wants to take him into his arms, hold him up, escort him inside, and Levi almost accepts it, almost takes his hand, but it is withdrawn before he can act, tucked back into Eren’s jacket pocket.

Levi says nothing, swallows his misguided disappointment, his confusion, and follows Eren inside the building, stopping between the two sets of doors in the only quiet place in the bar.  Beside the main walkway, out of the way of anyone entering, the two find slippery footing on the tile, the distance between them is apparent, but neither of them close it, neither of them move once Eren’s back is pressed against the wall.  This is...not how he imagined things ending, in the entryway to a bar, rain soaking the world outside.  This is not how he imagined this day going.  He opens his mouth to speak, staring down at Eren’s feet, the red of his vans at the edge of dress pants.  It’s so firmly Eren, stupidly charming.  Nothing comes from his mouth, air doesn’t pass through his lungs, he is stalled with dissolution on his lips...but a confession in his heart.

Eren is the first to speak, his voice so quiet, so unsteady as it comes out.  "I'm sorry."  What?  Why is he apologizing?  What does he have to apologize for?  "For the way I behaved last week." Levi’s gaze jolts up into Eren’s, finding nothing but sadness evident in the green of his irises, the bags under his eyes, the turned down corners of his lips.  "I'm sorry-"

How is this happening?  How is it that whenever Levi screws up, Eren comes to his knees before him?  It needs to stop.  He’s not worth this, not worth anything Eren has given him.  "Ere-"

"Wait. Please. I'm sorry for not letting you talk...again...but please let me just say this."  He takes a step forward, pressing off of the wall, but he doesn’t get any closer, he just looks over the distance down at Levi, keeping his hands in his pockets.  "I was...scared."  Throat tight, he bites his lip before continuing, breathing a long sigh between them.  "I'm terrified of losing you."  No...this is, this is bad. Levi’s eyes trace the lines of Eren’s shirt, moving with the way his chest heaves with every breath, avoiding Eren’s eyes, avoiding the kindness he knows he’ll find there.  Because when their eyes finally do meet, Eren poses a soft smile, offers a simple chance, and it’s too much.  "I'll do whatever you want."

He can’t pull his eyes away, can’t look anywhere but into the energy drawn behind black pupils, the damp eyelashes lining his eyes.  “What?”  The word rips from his chest, tears from his lips.  How can he do this to himself?  How can he always give everything up for Levi’s sake?  He’s on fire, he’s burning up, drowning in his own body.

"Levi..."  

And there is no more safety in silence.  Taking a deep breath, Levi watches the words formulate behind Eren's lips, waits for them so slip off his tongue, to stop the ceaseless beating in his chest for good.  

“If you want to go back to dating, I’ll be happy to.  I’ll stop trying to move forward…”

Eren's eyes drift down, draw lines against Levi's clothes, linger over Levi's hands where they're clasped tightly around the hem of his jacket.  

“If you want to just be friends, that’s fine too.”  

And his eyes fall to the floor, away from Levi’s muted grey.  

“If you want to call me when you can’t sleep...when you’re alone...when you need someone, I’ll be there.”  

Why?  Why give up everything?  How is he supposed to do this?  How is someone so selfish presented with someone so caring?  And just how the hell is he supposed to walk away?  

“And if you never want to see me again, if you never want to see me after this semester...I don’t want that, but I’ll do it for you.”  

And those glittering green eyes finally look up, finally make contact, and Levi is as cold as ice.  

“I’ll do anything you want.  I just want to know the reason…”

"The reason?”  The words fall from his lips, but he doesn't know what they mean, he can't grasp anything, can't quite feel his legs holding him up, so he leans his hand on the wall, presses his fingers into the rough brick, pushes until it should hurt, but he doesn't feel anything...he is so numb, so out of reach.  

“Why don’t you want me?”  His chest stings,  throat tight.  He really doesn't get it.  He really thinks Levi doesn't want to be with him…and he wants a reason.  The reason that Levi doesn't want to be with him… How has it come to this?  "You want to date other people?"  This shouldn't hurt so much.   "There's someone else?"  This shouldn’t feel like his heart is being torn from his chest.

Searching Eren’s eyes for something...for anything to tell him this is a joke, this isn’t real, Levi pushes his weight into the arm holding him up, looks for a little ground to stand on.  Because Eren is serious, his lips are tight, eyebrows furrowed, and Levi can feel the pain laced in his irises.  "It's only you…”  It could only ever be Eren...but he can’t say that now.  He can’t say it.

People shift through the room, passing glances on the two of them, but they are just listless, faceless people, they are nothing in this moment.  "What then...you don't want to date some spoiled kid like me?"  The words come out angry, but Eren’s face doesn’t change, doesn’t shift.

"What?”  If he were steady on his feet, if the alcohol wasn’t dizzying his head, he’d step forward, grab a hold of Eren’s shirt...and then what?  Allow himself to fall into Eren’s arms?  Let Eren hold him up when all he’s ever done is tear Eren down?  He’s never helped...not even once.  “You’re not spoiled, Eren.  And you’re not a kid.”  It’s all he can manage, but the words don’t reach Eren, they don’t phase him.

Finally leaving his pockets, Eren’s hands stay stationary by his sides, fingertips shaking against his legs.  “Then you're embarrassed of me?  Your friends think I'm only trying to get with you because of your job?”  

Shaking his head, Levi tries to swallow the sickening feeling in his gut, to soften the rigidity of his throat.  “Where are you getting this from?”  This can’t really be what he believes Levi thinks of him, can it?  Of course it is.  In the week they’ve been apart, Eren has come up with every possible reason why Levi doesn’t want him...why Levi could never love him.  Every possible reason but the actual reason.

Running his fingers through his hair, Eren tousles the brown strands, a deep breath radiating from his chest as he lets his hands fall heavily to his sides.  "Then what?  ...You only ever wanted to hook up?”

“No!”  Levi doesn’t hesitate this time, doesn’t give the question a second to breathe in the space between them.  Eren has this all wrong...he really doesn’t know...he really never knew...

And Eren bends a little further, makes himself a little smaller.  His voice is so sweet, so broken and warm in the cold air of the room.  “It’s okay...if that’s-”

“Stop.”  Levi's voice surprises him when it comes out, shaky, strangled by his own throat.  “Stop.”

“Then just tell me.”  

And that feeling creeps up again...that choked feeling, his eyes daring to water up, so he clasps his hand over his mouth, tightens his every muscle, focuses his energy around staying composed, staying upright, staying conscious.  Because Eren has it all wrong.  From where he’s standing, Levi has done nothing but walk away...Levi has done nothing but drag him along.  He’s been indecisive, he’s been using Eren.

Because there’s no way Eren could’ve known.  There’s no way.  Levi never gave him an inkling.  There’s no way Eren would know that he’s saved Levi, piece by piece, week by week.  There’s no way for him to know that he’s single-handedly brought a smile back to Levi’s face, a flutter to his chest.  There’s no way for him to know that Levi can’t get Eren out of his head. That for some reason, this classroom crush turned into something all too serious, something that he couldn’t ignore, something that fights back against the greedy, hungry, darkness of his past no matter how hard it tries to swallow him up.  Eren was so willing to fight a battle he didn't even know he was in, pushed that ghostly hand away, replacing that sadistic grip with a warm embrace.  There’s no way for Eren to know that he’s entwined his way through Levi's veins, seeped into Levi’s every nerve ending.  There’s no way for him to know what he’s done, or how he's turned Levi back from someone who just lives to get through the day, to someone looking forward...someone who aches to be whole again.

Somewhere along the line...he fell for Eren.  It was so gradual, so steady, but he could feel that light changing him, that smile softening him, the words from that pierced mouth drawing him in, waking up pieces of him that he promised would never come back.  He's fallen so completely...so entirely.

And it's terrifying.  If Eren ever felt this way about him...Levi would destroy him, unintentionally, decidedly, he'd break Eren’s spirit, turn him cold.  That's all he's ever done, it's all he'll ever do...because love hasn't saved him yet, because he's been taught that love makes you hurt people.

So there is no option here.  There is no going back.  He has to tell the truth, to end this before he turns out like Farlan...like Kenny.  How disappointed would his mother be if she saw him now?  Would she think she failed him?  

If he opens up...if he lets down his defenses... he'll be so vulnerable, open to whatever Eren throws at him, whatever Eren has to say. But that won't happen...will it? Eren won't even take a step forward, won't even release his hands from their space flat against his chest...his heart...is it beating as hard as Levi's? Is it so heavy that it feels like it will sink into his gut? So light that he can feel it creeping up his throat? Is it shattering? Lodging throbbing pieces along the inside of his body? Is it eating him up from the inside out?

Shuddering from his chest, leaving him empty of all sense, of all thought, he takes a breath, releases his hold over his mouth.  “We can't be together…”  The words won't come out, physically stuck as a lump in his throat, but he has to say it clearly, has to say it right, so he clears his throat, lets the words escape him.  “Because you're too sweet to me. You're entirely too patient. You're warm...and thoughtful."  

Looking up unto Eren's eyes, his breath is seized from his lungs, his heart ceased in his chest.  With those watery, green eyes gazing down at him, he can't quite make it out.  

_ And when you look at me I feel like I can be whole again.  _

But the cost is too high. The cost for Levi's happiness is Eren's pain, and he can't move forward, he can't move on knowing that _.  _  Because he can feel himself giving in...he’s intoxicated by the possibility, dizzied by the want.  He's a monster...because he could still turn this around, he could wrap himself around Eren, dig his fingers into the wool of his coat, bury his face in Eren's chest.  He could...

But he takes a step back, he severs himself from Eren's invisible hold, buries that monster.  “And I don’t deserve a single thing you’ve done for me.”  Why does the truth weigh so heavy in his throat?  It's not like Eren hasn't realized it...it's not like he doesn't know...all Levi has ever done is let him down.  So he swallows hard, drowns himself in misty green.  "...you deserve so much better than me."  And he lets his gaze fall, far enough to hide from the inevitable anger in the deep black of Eren’s pupils, far enough to hide himself from the impending glare, because the fury to follow is certain, the disappointment...the inescapable grasp of white knuckles around his shirt, his throat, his consciousness...it’s what he’s been taught, it’s all he knows, it’s what he expects, so he shivers away from where Eren stands, braces for the contact.

But it doesn’t come.  Eren’s voice doesn’t grow louder, threats don’t spill from his lips, he just stands calmly, the timbre of his words shaking from him, fingers pressing into his chest.  "I won't accept that."  And Levi snaps from his frozen form, rigidity leaving his muscles.  This is Eren.  This is the man that has brought him nothing but pleasure, nothing but relief.  "If you don't want me, then fine. If you don't want to be with me then just say so."  This is the man that he has single-handedly torn apart, the man that he has brought nothing but pain, uncertainty, bitterness.  The one who has given too much and taken too little.  "But I want you to actually say it...don't keep me guessing anymore."  

Motionless, hopeless, Levi can’t feel his heart in his chest, can’t feel the air filtering through his lungs, but he speaks, his mouth moves on instinct, without direction.  "That isn't it."

"Then lie! At least come up with a good excuse."  

Stagnation...of thoughts, of everything in his body, of all the progress he’s made.  Nothing flows through his head, nothing makes sense.  "Will that make this easier?"  Unease runs through him, and he can hardly hold himself up, but his body doesn’t waver, his lips don’t stop moving.  "If I lie...will that make it easier for you to hate me? For you to forget about me?"  He silently curses the drinks he couldn’t turn down, wishes he could control himself, wishes he could change the outcome of all of this, wishes he was different from the beginning, that he was in a better place when they met. "If I say I was leading you on this whole time…”  A sickly feeling washes over him.  This is never what he wanted, those words feel wrong coming from his lips. “...will it erase how much I care about you?"  Will it erase the nights they've spent together, the touches they've shared, the words they've whispered in the darkness of their bedrooms?

Eren shifts in the edges of Levi's vision, brings his hands to his face, shields the pain of his eyes.  "No..."

And there is nothing but silence for a moment, no people passing by, no doors opening, just Levi staring at the dark grout between tiles on the floor.  Eren might not even be there anymore, because Levi can't feel him there, can't feel much of anything besides the aching in his chest, and it makes him numb to everything else, numb to his past, the mistakes he's made, the one he continues to make.  But a lie won’t negate everything they’ve done, the truth won’t wipe out the memories of Eren’s touch, the feeling of Eren’s lips on his skin...nothing...not time, not space, nothing will lessen the comfort Eren brought to Levi, even if it lays dormant in the back of his mind.

What he feels right now, the unbearable heat that spreads across his skin, the love awakened in his chest, it will hold onto him when he walks away, when he finds the strength to leave, to fight, to give up.  The truth will not save them...not even the smallest detail of it, so he lets it fall from his lips, to sink into his body.  "I want to be with you."  His voice doesn't sound like his own, doesn't hold any weight, but he isn’t himself...he is the drunken shell left behind by his better judgement.

A step forward, barely a few feet of space between them, Eren moves in, lifts his hand to Levi’s chin, lifts Levi’s gaze to his.  "How can you say that with such a sad look on your face?"  

This is the closest they’ve been all night, the closest they’ve been in a week...the closest they’ll ever be again, how could he be happy with that?  How can he say anything with a smile?  Because Eren’s face mirrors Levi’s, dark pink lips turned down, eyes wavering back and forth, eyebrows furrowed.  He is falling away, falling apart, and not even the comfort of Eren’s touch can reach him.  "Because...I thought that's what I wanted more than anything."  Unwavering green eyes look down into him, but there is no comfort to be gained from Eren’s gaze, no security in the confusion on his face.  "But more than that...all I want is for you to be happy, to smile."  

Pursed lips part around Eren’s words, and Levi can’t tear his eyes away from the way they move, the way they hang open slightly, the way they lie.  "You make me happy, Levi."

But he is unreachable, he is blank, he distances himself from Eren’s touch, shakes his hand away.  There is no place for him here, no place for him in the light of Eren’s every action.  He is so undeserving...and he’s known it all along, he’s know it, yet still pushed forward, still accepted Eren’s advances, let him in, and tore him down.  "...I'll only make you miserable."  Eren’s hand falls between them, and the space is severed, the space is solidified.  "And hurting you is killing me."

Shaking his head, Eren’s gaze falls too, his breath heaves from his chest, and Levi can hardly breathe.  "Then stop."

For the first time, Levi pulls his gaze away from Eren, blinking away from the dark corner they’ve been standing in. He glances at the people walking in, the people paying them no attention, the one person that turns back to see him, locks eyes with him. He's with a few other familiar faces, but he's the only one that turns back through the door, waves his friends away.  “I’ll be in there shortly.”  He’s the one who breaks the barrier of the silence, the one who approaches with a concerned smile on his face.  "Hey, Levi!"

"Farlan..."  Standing between Eren and Levi, he enters their space, ruffles the dishwater blonde hairs on his head, gets them to lay properly on his forehead, shorter than what Levi was used to, and his icy blue eyes cut into Levi when he looks down at him, shooting a glance at Eren. 

"Is everything okay?"  He props a hand on his hip, outlines his thin waist, bunching the fabric of his coat beneath his fist.  

This isn’t good.  Levi is dizzy, barely capable on his feet, but he takes a step to the side, closer to Eren, watching Eren straighten his spine, pull back his shoulders, watching the recognition spark in his eyes as he notices the rigidity of Levi’s muscles. "Yeah. Just having a conversation. I'll be inside in a minute."

The tension is heavy between them, tight behind Eren’s clenched jaw, wicked behind the green that lands on Farlan’s shoulder as he turns to Levi, placing a hand near Levi’s neck.  Farlan’s voice is so light, so unfamiliar against Levi’s ear when he speaks.  "I can tell that you're upset." He's close, uncomfortably close, but he’d rather have him close than turning to Eren, but Levi can’t stop him as he turns, meets Eren’s gaze.  “And who are you?”

“Eren.”  He looks so calm, withdrawn, but they size each other up, meeting eyes without hesitation, standing face to face with little height difference.

And Farlan steps completely between them, blocking Levi’s view with his slender body.  "Eren, I think it's time you leave."

"You're Levi's ex, aren't you?"  

This is not how he expected this night to go...this is not how this was supposed to end...

"That doesn't mean I don't care about him."

Doesn’t mean...what?  Levi moves to Farlan’s side, trying to keep his mouth from falling open, trying to keep his temper.

But Eren does no such thing, he pulls his fingers into fists, keeps his hands by his sides, doesn’t hesitate for a second.  "I think you've lost your right to decide what's best for him."  He’s...he’s standing up for Levi after all he’s done.  Why is that?  Why is everything so...so fucked up?  Why can’t he get a hold of himself?

Farlan steps closer, chest almost touching Eren’s, threatening his space, his composure, his control, the edge of his voice pressing against Eren.  "That's pretty comedic coming from someone who is clearly trying to hurt him."

It isn’t Eren who acts, it isn’t Eren who moves, but Levi.  He grabs tightly around Farlan’s arm, pulls at him in an attempt to break their focus, to cease their gaze.  “Farlan, that’s enough-”

"Boys..."  Hanji’s voice breaks them all from the tension, overpowering them as she steps in, assesses the situation in a split second, turns on that wicked smile of hers. "Levi, Erwin needs you. Now."  But Levi can’t move, can’t believe what has become of this night, can’t trust himself to go without falling to the floor.  "You too Farlan."  And his needs are answered in the worst way possible, Farlan hooks his hand around Levi’s right elbow, tight enough to hold him up, firm enough to drag him along, and Levi moves to the weight of his body being pulled through the doors, moves away from Eren, leaves him behind by the demand of his ex.

“I said  _ enough _ .”  He pulls his arm away, slips from Farlan’s grasp, hisses at the blood rushing back into the space Farlan’s fingers pressed in.  Raising his hands, retreating, Farlan walks away, makes his way toward Erwin with a smile on his face like he’s done nothing wrong.  Nine months apart and he’s still unapologetically acting like a jealous boyfriend, an overprotective friend, though he’s none of those things.

Finding his way back to the bar, Levi watches Farlan mingle with those celebrating Erwin, watches him meet new faces, greet old ones.  He smiles with ease, works his way through the crowd, remains likable to everyone else...and Levi is uncomfortably alone in a busy room.  Mind racing as he waits for Hanji to return, filtering through the faceless crowd, nothing seems right.  He doesn’t want to be alone.  The realization weighs heavy on his shoulders as he turns toward the bar and waits for the bartender to notice him, waits for the reality to wash over him.  

The bar moves around him, time moves without him, and he stares at his phone, reading the same emails again and again, waiting for something impossible, wishing for something, anything at all to pull him away.  The screen remains dark once he sets it down on the counter, and he stares uninterrupted into that darkness until the barstool to the right of him is abandoned by one body and filled by another.

Ordering his drink, he takes a long moment before turning to Levi, probably half expecting him to get up and walk away, half expecting him to say something passive agressive and storm off, but Levi doesn’t move, he doesn’t do anything.  He’s got nothing left to lose.  “It’d be nice for Erwin if we could get along.”

Rolling his eyes, Levi takes a sip of his drink and slides his phone into his pocket.  “I’m not the one picking fights.”  

“I was just surprised to see you with someone…”  It sounds so innocent when he says it, like he didn’t imagine Levi moving on, like he silently hoped Levi would be alone.

And he is...he’s alone, but he’s so far from available, so far from feeling anything toward the man who built him up only to tear him down.  “You were being nosy.”

“I can’t wonder what you’re up to?”  It’s a harmless question, one that casually falls from Farlan’s lips as he looks down into the foam at the top of his drink.

“No.”  Glancing over at Farlan’s face, he finds surprise in those light blue eyes.  He was never so forward, never so direct, but this Levi isn’t one Farlan ever knew, so he simply nods and Levi watches as he drinks half of his beer in three long gulps.

Motioning for another, he slips the suit jacket from his shoulders, hangs it on the back of his chair and rolls up the sleeves of his shirt, a gesture that would have had Levi staring a year ago, begging him to take him home.  But Levi is numb to it, inspecting the dark blue of his vest, fitted, tight against his white shirt, and this time it’s Farlan with bright blush forming on his cheeks.  “What time does the formal lunch thing start tomorrow?”

“Three, I think.”  Levi tears his eyes away from the pattern on Farlan’s vest, getting caught in his crossing glance.

“Good.  I'll have time to help my mom around the house before we go.”  Messing with his hair again, he looks away, focuses on his drink.  “She misses you.”  Farlan’s home...it was the first place Levi felt welcome when he moved to Washington, the first place he was accepted.  It was the place that their friend group hung out the most, because Levi wouldn’t tolerate hosting people in his shitty studio apartment.  It was the first place got drunk, the first place he kissed a boy, the first place he fell in love with his best friend.  And Farlan’s mother, she was the first one to cook for him since his mother, the first one to invite him into her home without reservation, the first adult to accept their relationship...to accept him.  But they’re no longer undergrads, they no longer live at home, they’re no longer together, and the thought of seeing the pity in her eyes tomorrow makes a chill climb up Levi’s spine.  “You should’ve heard what she said to me when we broke up…”

Levi drinks from his glass until there is nothing but ice left, until he can’t feel the heat in his face, the aching in his chest.  “Sounds like her.”  Would she still listen to what he has to say?  Would she still pull him into her arms, tell him he can always come to her?  Chewing on his lip, he works through the questions in his head, wondering if he should order another drink to firmly bury himself until Farlan’s voice pulls him back, drawing his gaze back toward cold blue.

“I miss you.”  The words fall from Farlan’s mouth without an ounce of indecision, light pink lips curving around them, and Farlan doesn’t look away, doesn’t look embarrassed, but Levi can’t read the meaning behind his pleading eyes.  “Losing you was my biggest mistake.”  He’s clueless.  He’s completely clueless to what he put Levi through, isn’t he?  Levi swallows, watches the words churn through Farlan’s head, because he knows exactly what he’s done.  

But Levi is completely numb to it.  He's become numb to everything...the pain behind Eren's words are just a dull throb in his ears now, a ringing in his head.  He gives in to it...it's alienating, distressing...comforting. It's familiar.  So even when Farlan reaches out to him, he can’t find it in himself to care, can’t find it in his heart to forget everything else, because what slips from Farlan’s lips next snaps something in Levi’s mind, makes everything a little bit clearer.

“And now I’ve lost to some brat.”  And his thick eyebrows turn down, his lips purse around the word.

“You didn't lose me.  You threw me away.”  There is no hesitancy in his response, no holding back, so even when Farlan deflates against the bar, rests his crossed arms against it, Levi doesn’t feel bad.  “And you didn't lose to Eren.  You gave up.”  He’s got nothing left to give, no patience for Farlan’s misplaced jealousy.

“I guess I deserve that, huh?”  Finishing his drinks, he turns his body toward Levi, knees brushing against Levi’s thigh, eyes begging Levi to look at him.  “Does he feed you?  Does he make sure you're sleeping?  That you're not working too hard?”  His right arm rests against the bar, hand reaching up to brush away the dark hairs that have fallen out of place on Levi’s forehead.  “Does he treat you right?”  And his fingertips draw down Levi’s face, gently touching the scar at the edge of his eyebrow.  “Does he even know anything about you?”  

He knows exactly what he’s doing, and Levi is so aware of it, so aware of the little scar there unhidden beneath his dark eyebrows, aware that Farlan knows precisely where to touch, knows exactly where less than gentle hands had previously brought him pain...but Farlan never made it any better, he just pressed different bruises into him, scarred him in different ways, made trust unreachable, belief unfathomable, love…inaccessible.  Even when Levi closes his eyes, searches for something deeper in Farlan’s words, looks for something meaningful in his touch, some warmth in his fingers, he can’t think about anything but Eren, can’t bring himself to take comfort in the facade of worry on Farlan’s lips.  

Though he looks so earnest, though he seems to be straightforward, Levi sees nothing in those eyes, nothing as Farlan tilts his head to the side, letting his shoulders sink as he gazes at the scar.  Levi sees nothing but the glancing eyes of the only person who has managed to get close to him, managed to get through to him.  He sees nothing but Eren’s slouched frame only a few feet away at the bar over Farlan’s shoulder.  He sees nothing but hurt in deep green, low eyebrows, heavy eyelids.  He sees Eren watching, waiting, turning away.

It’s only a look, only a second’s glance, but it wakes something in Levi’s chest, it makes his chest feel like fire when Farlan’s skin didn’t even phase him, his touch unable to wake anything beneath Levi’s frozen exterior.  “I can take care of myself, Farlan.”  Pulling away, Levi bites his lip, holds his breath, closing his tab with a sloppy signature, pulling his dazed body from the barstool.  “If there’s one thing I’m good at...it’s being alone.”  Levi leaves Farlan at the counter, making his way past the people waiting to order, people watching sports above the bar, because all he can see is Eren’s slouched frame a few feet away, all he can see is his mistakes lined out in front of him.  He walks toward the door, pulls on his jacket, moves quickly, carelessly, begging his body not to turn and look, not to see Eren sitting there, not to see Eren ever again…

Because Eren does...Eren does everything.  Takes care of him, checks up on him...worries over him.

Eren gives Levi his best...gives Levi his all without hesitation, without reservation, and he closes the gap, approaches, reaches out against the tension between them and brushes the fabric of Levi’s coat with his fingertips.  And his touch is unmistakable...uncertain, like the space between them is insurmountable, like he can hardly believe that it stops Levi in his tracks.  His touch is...unparalleled, and it’s gone in a second, drawn back before Levi gets a chance to turn around.

He doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know how to move on from this, how to move forward...because he should just keep walking, he should push through the doors and find a cab.  He should fumble with his keys at the door, crawl into bed, struggle to fall asleep, wake up tired and hungover...and he should do it all alone.  

But he turns around instead.  He turns at the prospect of just one more touch, just one more word, because Eren will never know of the impact he’s made.  He’ll never know of the throbbing in Levi’s fingertips, the pulsing panic radiating from his heart...he’ll never know.  He turns with the intention of saying goodbye, of reaching his hand toward Eren’s, of feeling the heat of his skin, feeling it seep through the ridges of his fingertips, letting it wake him up, give him the strength to walk away...just one touch would be enough.

Nothing comes out when he opens his mouth.  He moves no closer, makes no effort to reach toward Eren, because he is stalled, he is still, he is...weak.  He is weakened by the heated look behind half-lidded green, the flush in his tanned cheeks, the pull of his lip behind his teeth, drained by the folded red of Eren’s sleeves, the loosened knot of his black tie, the jacket hung over his forearm, the disheveled hairs on his head, because Eren’s a little undone, a little wasted, and Levi is so caught up, so beyond mistakes, so dumbfounded when Eren moves closer and speaks over the music.  "Come home with me."  

“What?”  A laugh catches in Levi’s throat, choked by the shock of Eren’s hands, the heat as his right elbow is enveloped by the light grasp, fingertips brushing, smoothing over the folds in fabric.  There is no breathing, no thinking, because Eren is so close, Eren is giving him an out, Eren is...Eren is bending over backwards for Levi.   "Nothing has changed."  He’s still broken, still afraid, and his voice barely comes out.  He’s still incapable of accepting, still undeserving of the man standing before him, inching closer, reaching for him.

"I don't care.”  And his thumb brushes the warm skin of Levi’s face, lines his eyebrow, not wavering in the hold of Levi’s arm.  “Come home with me anyway."  He touches exactly where Farlan did, spreading heat across Levi’s skin, blush across his face, and a tightness in his throat.  

Is that what this is about?  Shrugging away from Eren’s touch, drawing his gaze away, he fixes his eyes on the hand he placed on Eren’s arm, the way his fingers fold into the fabric of his shirt, pushing him to arm’s length, but not letting him fall any further away.  Is that really all he can think about now?  Winning against Farlan?  Being the last to touch?  "Because you want me, or because you think if I don't go with you, I'll go home with Farlan?"

"Because I'm selfish. Because I don't want you to go home with anyone else.”  Long eyelashes flash over his eyes, deceptive, green, greedy, because he hides his hurt with jealousy, but Levi can read it in his averted gaze, the glassy sheen over his eyes, the words that labor from his tight lips.  “Because I want you to be mine…”

If only he could accept it.

“Even if it's just for tonight…”

If only he weren’t so careless.

“Even if it's temporary…” 

If only he weren’t so drunk.

“Because maybe I can actually get some sleep if I don't have to worry about you tonight."

If only he had any resolve when it comes to Eren.  If only he could’ve kept him at arm’s length.  "I don't want you to worry about me anymore."  But his arms are bent in front of him, clutched tightly on Eren’s shirt, dragging him in, dragging him down.

"Then please give me peace of mind...even if it's the last time."

Levi is the selfish one, they both know it.  He’s greedy, hungry, excessive.  Because if they can pretend it’s for Eren, if they can pretend it’s him doing Eren a favor, he’ll accept, but he’ll do it because it’s all he really wants, it’s all he really craves...to get Eren alone, to see him happy one more time.  He does it just to see the soft smile spread across Eren’s face, to see the dark pink stretch beneath that stupid lip ring.  He does it because he can’t shake the familiarity of it all...he’s so aware of it.  

It is not lost on him when he offers his apartment, when Eren calls them a cab, when they step out onto the sidewalk together, crawl into the back of a car together, brushing knees.  It’s just...this time the rain pours down on the world around them, shakes the windows with a rattling sound.  This time, the energy in the car isn’t laced with the excitement of the first time, the uncertainty of whether or not they’d be physically compatible, no.  This time, the nervousness shakes in their fingertips, their bodies are unnecessarily close, the road between them and the apartment simultaneously too long to bear and too short to stomach.  Because this isn’t Levi taking home the guy he coincidentally met at a bar, the guy he’d been daydreaming about for months in class...this isn’t Levi bedding his crush.  This is Levi taking home the man he’s gotten close to, the man he’s let in, the man he’s promised to stop seeing.  

But they walk slowly up to Levi’s front door all the same, letting the rain absorb into their clothes, soak their hair, cool their skin.  They move through the heavy drops, and Eren pulls Levi by the hand, like if he doesn't, he'll slip away from him that much sooner.  Like if he doesn't, this will all be over.  Levi’s hands shake all the same as he fumbles with his keys, as Eren holds his hand steady to turn the doorknob, as they climb the stairs.  It’s all the same as Eren shrugs off his sopping wet coat, pads onto the carpeting, turns back to Levi who stands frozen on the landing.  Levi questions his actions all the same as Eren looks at him, running his hands through his wet hair.

How did all of that come to this?  How did that first night lead them here?  Same positions...same place...but so much closer, a little more damaged.

This time, they barely make it to the bedroom.  Levi moves until the distance between them shrinks to nothing, until he’s wrapped around Eren, until their limbs are tangled against wet clothing, until their lips crash together with force, until Levi’s knees give out and he’s scooped into Eren’s arms, carried off down the hall tucked against Eren’s chest.

Chests heaving, breaths panting, Eren lays Levi out on the bed, leans into him, letting out a soft groan as Levi wrap his legs around the younger man’s hips, his arms around his neck.  He’s momentarily lost in the press of Eren’s lips, the way they move against Levi’s without caution, the way plush, pink part to his tongue, the way they melt Levi beneath them.  The light of Eren’s touch pours into him, dizzying his head, tingling across his body as Eren releases his lips, traces wet lines with his tongue down Levi’s neck, fumbles with the tight white buttons of his shirt.  He moves to unbuckle Levi’s pants, to untuck his shirt, but Levi’s unrestrained fingers wrap around Eren’s tie, drag him back in, plead silently to sink into another kiss...to drown him out completely, to erase the things he’s said, to wipe out all he’s done, until he’s nothing.

Without hesitation, without pause, Eren gives him what he wants, anchoring Levi with heavy kisses, gentle fingers on his face, wrapping into his damp hair, rustling the strands.  And Levi can’t even think straight, because it’s all too much...it’s hot breath and swollen lips against his cold skin, it’s unrefined fingertips at the edges of Eren’s clothing, it’s the hold of alcohol over his body as he loosens Eren’s tie, the shivers that wrack over their bodies as clothes are pulled away, tossed to the floor, lost to them.

It’s the energy that radiates from Eren’s eyes, the groans that slip from those dark pink lips, the rain pattering against the rooftop, the wind brushing it into the windows, the flash of lightning that brightens the room in a cool blue, and the darkness that follows.  It’s the breaths in the long seconds that pass before a heavy crack of thunder rumbles the building, shaking the windows, resonating in the moan that shakes from Levi’s chest as Eren slips his arm beneath Levi’s back, hauling him with a grunt to the pillows.  

Restraint is lost on Eren as he pushes up Levi’s undershirt, composure slipping from his fingertips as he holds the fabric in place, turning his attention toward Levi’s hardened nipples, leaving wet marks over his shivering chest, the memories of kisses tracing his skin, the promise of more as he sinks his teeth into the flesh.  Fingertips fall down Levi’s torso, blunt nails drawing pink lines into the soft, white skin, drawing down until Eren’s shoulders are pulled back, back stretched out, fingers digging into the cloth of Levi’s boxers and tugging them from Levi's body.  

They are just a bitten lip away from losing all self-control, just a moment from muddled touches, just seconds from dizzied words.  They can’t get there fast enough, can’t hold themselves from their own destruction, their own dissolution, so when Eren slips from the bed to hurriedly remove his remaining clothes, Levi does the same.  Anticipation rising as goosebumps on his skin, as a shudder from his chest, Eren returns with a heated look in his eyes, jaw clenched in focus as he spreads lube over his fingers.

And Levi can’t watch anymore as Eren slides his fingers down Levi’s thigh, slipping them under his knee and pressing it to his chest.  He can’t watch anymore as a breath catches in his throat, as Eren runs a slick finger over his hole.  His body trembles around Eren’s fingers, sensitive to the touch...but he feels numb, he’s not feeling much of anything at all, because his chest is on fire, clasping his hand over his own mouth as the panic sets in.  Not now...any time but now...but he can’t stop it.  He can’t stop the tears that spring into his eyes or the tightness in his throat.  They fall without sound, without a sob, without warning.  Months worth of forgotten tears roll heavy from his cheeks, soak into the pillowcase, because Eren hasn’t even looked at him...focused green refusing to meet his gaze since they entered the bedroom.

The realization is too heavy...too familiar, but he never thought he'd be treated this way by Eren.  Being used, body before anything else...it's not the first time.  Not the first time he's been called for one more night, one more fuck, one more chance to hurt him the way he's hurt them.  But Eren?  He never expected it from someone so close, someone so important, no matter how much he deserves it. 

He's so lost, so out of reach, he doesn't even realize that Eren has stopped, that he's perched above Levi with wide eyes.  “Am I hurting you?”  He releases Levi's leg, presses his hands into the mattress on either side of Levi's waist.  “...Levi.”  There is unease in his voice, kindness in his eyes, and Levi isn’t worthy of any of it.

So he shakes his head, silently vows to take what's coming to him, to receive his punishment, to do as he's told, as he's been taught, to take what's given to him without tears.  Because tears only brought a harder second punch...tears only pissed Kenny off.  It’s the lesson Levi learned again and again at the back end of a slap, a lesson he repeatedly recalled when it was already too late, one deeply ingrained in his mind, one that begs him to take it like the man his uncle made him, one that has kept any tears from falling in front of anyone else for so long that he can’t remember

But Eren is not Kenny...not one of his touches has been laced with mal intent, not one of his glances has carried anything but desire, happiness.  Fingers grazing Levi’s jaw, slipping his hand from his mouth, Eren’s skin radiates heat into him.  Eyes wide, glassy, his face is the reflection of Levi’s, the other side of pain...he isn't here to get back at Levi, he isn't here to break him, and Levi’s muddled brain, his drunken thoughts, can’t grasp at the reason why he’s here at all, can’t grasp why he looks so sad, why his whispered voice carries heavy apologies.  “I’m sorry…”  A breath shudders from his chest as Eren swipes his thumb across Levi’s cheek, catching the droplets as they fall across his flushed face, but more fall effortlessly with each one wiped away.  “I forced you into this...all of this…”

“No.”  That’s not it at all...that’s not it, but he can’t say it, can’t say anything at all.  Forcing his eyes closed, shutting Eren out, he can barely breathe, barely think… because he was never forced, he was reluctant and shitty and hopeless, but Eren didn’t give up.  Eren refused to see the worst in Levi, refused to see what Levi presented.  Eren refused to let him go...but he never forced Levi.  Levi was the one forcing, the one pushing away, the one begging for more, the one pleading for Eren to leave, to walk away before Levi’s darkness ate him up...to come back, to save him, to melt away his cold demeanor, to shine a little more light on Levi’s shadowy heart.  “I want you.”  This is his last chance...his last chance to see Eren this close, to be the figure of his attention, to feel the weight of his body, the heat of his skin.  This is his last chance to be selfish, to feed his needs, to focus his efforts on making Eren feel good, on making one last smile stretch across those lips.  “Please.”  

One last chance at feeling the warmth at the end of Eren’s gaze...it seems so hopeless as he opens his eyes.  But his thoughts are interrupted, his doubts are cut short, his breath is suspended in his chest as Eren looks down at him through soft, green eyes.  And he’s not feeling much of anything at all until Eren’s lips curve up, until he moves in, until his voice fills the cold space between them.

“Then don't think about tomorrow.”

He nuzzles against Levi’s face, letting the timbre of his voice raise goosebumps on Levi’s skin as the older man lies beneath him, paralyzed by his words, stunned by the kiss Eren leaves on his cheek.

“Or the next day.”

And he places those soft lips against Levi’s other cheek, catching a tear, breath spreading across the skin. 

“Or a week from now.”

Warm, wet, he places another kiss on Levi’s forehead, smiling against his face as Levi slips his shaking hands onto Eren’s hips, pulling him closer.

“Just be here with me now.” 

It’s all Levi can do, all he can manage as Eren kisses the tip of his nose.

“Think about me.”  

His lips are so close, millimeters apart, brushing, teasing, tantalizing as their eyes meet under heavy lids, their breathing heavy against the background of the storm, and Levi lets his eyes fall shut, waits for the final kiss to take him over.

“Think about how much I love you.”  

Smothering Levi’s lips in a kiss, blocking any answer, impeding any thought, Eren leans his weight into Levi, grinding against his naked skin.  It takes him over, it sets him free, breaks him down.  This can’t be real, the shakiness in his limbs, the fuzziness in his head, his heart beating heavily against his chest, the words echoing with the rain...it can’t be real, he’s drunk and delusional and this is too much.

“Think about how badly I want you.”  

Heavy, weighed down by labored breaths, Eren’s voice is laced with hesitation, eyes barely open, focusing on the pink of Levi's lips, the way they fall open for him, and he plunges into his mouth.  The heat, the way Eren's tongue moves with his, way he digs his fingers into Eren’s flesh, the inevitable marks left layered on his skin, it's all real, it's all happening… and Eren's heart, the way it pounds against his chest, the way it beats hard against Levi as they kiss, the way it lets them get carried away, the way it holds his uncertainty as he pulls away...it’s all real.

“Can you do that for me?”  

The world is dark, cold, stormy around them. But he is here in the light of Eren’s eyes,  here with a man that has heat trapped beneath his skin, has touches that lick like flames, and a kiss that melts everything away.  The world outside the window is miles away, the world outside this bed is unfathomable...there is safely here in Eren's arms, a hideout from the heavy rain in eyes that breathe late summer, and those eyes are looking right at him, waiting for him.  

So he nods, accepts with a wary smile, with a tingle of electricity on his skin, lets himself get lost.  His entire body moves to be touched by Eren, watching as the younger man leans in again, takes his lips in another kiss, takes their pleasure into his hands with fingertips grazing the skin of Levi's chest, nails digging in, leaving lines for his mouth to follow.  Every bit of him is aroused, his skin pulled tight around goosebumps, nipples hard with the attention of Eren's tongue, chest heaving with every breath, with every time Eren's kisses turn to bites, every time he kneads throbbing red marks into the skin, every time he eases them with a kiss.  He responds to every touch, to every word that has slipped from Eren's mouth, sighing as Eren runs his tongue over Levi's stiffened cock, throbbing, groaning in feigned impatience as Eren takes his time pulling on a condom, rubbing lube over his cock, holding back with every ounce of restraint he has left. 

Levi moves without prompting, holding the backs of his knees, pulling his legs to his chest, biting hard on the inside of his lip as Eren positions himself.  He can barely breathe, can barely contain himself, but a short moan slips from his chest as Eren slides a heavy hand up his thigh, holding him in place as he positions himself.  And Levi expects it to end faster than it takes to begin, expects it to all be over before he can process any of it, but Eren looks down at him with a quiet energy in his eyes, waiting for permission, waiting for impatience.  “I want you.”  It’s all Levi can make out, all he can handle with Eren looking at him like that, all he can manage with all of his other thoughts begging to slip from his tongue.

Eren positions his cock at Levi’s entrance, holding his breath as he presses in, and Levi feels the heat wash over him, the blush over his skin, the tightness of his muscles as Eren sinks into him.  And a sigh passes through his lips, short, stifled by Eren’s kiss, interrupted by Eren’s smile as he wraps Levi’s legs around him.  

Love…

That’s what he said, isn’t it?

If this is Eren’s love, Levi wishes he could accept it, wishes he was strong enough to admit it himself.  If this is Eren’s love...Levi’s heart wouldn’t be able to take it, his body wouldn’t be able to handle it...because it’s too much.  It’s too warm, too perfect, too pure.  If this is Eren’s love he’ll remember every second of it...he’ll put every bit to memory, every breath, every moan, every touch.  If this is Eren’s love...he’s happy enough just to experience it tonight.  It’s enough to keep him sated for the rest of his life.  It’s enough.  Because one moment of this...it’s a lifetime’s worth of happiness, a lifetime’s worth of kisses, of sex, of caring and compassion.  One moment of this...it’s more than he’s ever gotten.  One moment of this can erase every empty second, every lonely night...it will make this so hard to let go, so hard to give up...but he wants Eren to find that too, to find someone that will make all of this fade away...

So he focuses all of his energy on Eren, on hoping that his drunk mind won’t forget the way that this feels in the morning, on noting every single detail, on holding on just a little bit longer.  The wind picks up, spattering heavy rain into the building, and Eren’s intensity rises, the heat of his touch growing out of control, the tight hold of his teeth over his swollen lip increasing as he moves Levi’s leg to the opposite side of his body, pressing the older man’s knees together as he pushes deeper.  The wind, the rain crashing against the windows, the pattering on the roof, the thunder, it muffles their voices as Eren melts his fingerprints into Levi’s ass, squeezing the flesh as he doubles over.  

Time passes endlessly with the storm,  each lightning flash is marked by their meeting eyes.  They don’t stop as the storm grow closer, as the thunder grows nearer, they go until the lightning and thunder hit together, until it all passes completely.  They go until they can’t hold back any longer, until sweat is literally dripping from his skin, every crippling, paralyzing touch bringing Levi to his knees.  

Anything Eren wants, any way he can bend Levi’s body, Levi takes it, wills himself to remember the warmth of Eren’s fingertips, the sound of where their skin smacks together, the squelching where their bodies meet, the weight of Eren’s body.  He wills himself to remember the kisses Eren presses into his arms, his legs, his fingertips, the way Eren’s lips hang heavily around his moans, the way the black of his lip ring looks against the red hot of his face.  He wills himself to remember the blush that spreads across Eren’s naked chest, the beating of his heart, the soft energy behind his eyes, the fierce energy that hides somewhere beneath.

It lasts forever, but it's still not long enough.

It’s still not enough as Eren presses bruises into Levi’s thighs, as he holds Levi’s legs in their place on his shoulders, as he turns his hips to slam into Levi just right, to make him lose control over the noises slipping from his mouth, over the pleasure that overruns his body, spilling across his stomach, throbbing heavily around Eren’s cock, pushing him over the edge.

Completely spent, unable to trust his own limbs, Levi only wants more.  Not even because his body needs it, but because his heart does, because once they stop, it’ll be over, because once they leave this bedroom, once they leave each other’s arms, they’ll be through.

Reveling in the care Eren takes in licking up the cum from his flushed skin, he indulges in the way Eren’s tongue slides against his body, the way his fingertips pull Levi on his side so that they’re facing each other, the way Eren pulls the blanket over their cooling bodies.  They’re so close, limbs entwined, and Levi draws his fingers up Eren’s chest, feeling the shakiness in his body, the neediness on his tongue.  It feels so different...wanting him, caring about him, loving him.  It’s so heavy in his chest, so thick around his heart.  It’s so different from anything he’s ever felt, the light that aches from Eren, the happiness that radiates from his touch.  He’d say it if it would make any difference...if his love could do anything like Eren’s...but it won’t.  It isn’t worth much...so he keeps it to himself.

He keeps it to himself as he feels the relaxed muscles of Eren’s arms go rigid around him, as realization shifts in his mind.  He keeps it to himself as Eren moves away from Levi, moves off of the bed, as he gathers his clothes from the floor, as he pulls them on seated at the edge of the bed.  He keeps it to himself, though he can feel Eren fading away in the distance between them, though he can feel himself sinking heavily into the mattress.  "Eren..."  His voice cracks, barely making out the word, barely able to say it, because this is probably the last time, the last time he’ll say his name.  The bed creaks a little as Eren looks back at Levi,  but Levi can’t look in his eyes, can’t bear whatever is reflected in darkened green.  "I'm sorry." 

Turning back, Eren pulls himself from the bed, moves to the doorway, voice low.  "I know."  He passes through the door without a second thought, and Levi is paralyzed in his bed, motionless and listening to Eren move down the hallway, move away from him, putting more and more space between them.  The front door opens and clicks shut without hesitation, and Eren is gone.

The emptiness is biting.

The darkness is heavy.

It weighs down on his chest.

And he lets the regret close in on his throat.


	11. Whether Near or Far

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Footsteps fall heavily on the stairs as he pulls the hood of his jacket over his head, pressing forward, pushing away. The air is cool, damp, and it reaches out around him, soaks into his chilled skin, latches onto his wet clothes, slows his pace. The world falls nearly silent around him, sound softened by the thickness of the fog, streetlamps outlined by a halo of light, every particle lit up around each glowing bulb. Dense, heavy in his lungs, Eren can feel it...the weight of the air, his decisions, the way it all materializes around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Valentine's gift from me to you. :)
> 
> The first of a couple chapters in Eren's point of view.

Trembling, doubtful, pale fingertips brush the olive skin of his chest, slide down in slow motion, sinking gently into the flesh of his abdomen, giving space for Levi to rest his head into the pounding of his heart. It radiates through his entire body, the incessant throbbing of his heart against his ribcage, the unsteady breaths forcing themselves through his lungs.

If it could all just stop... if his words would stop echoing in his ears, if his mistakes could just leave him alone for one more moment, maybe he could remember the calm that washes over his lover's body as he drapes arm around Levi's hip. If he could just stop the thoughts, he could remember the way Levi nuzzles into his chest when he traces his hand up the older man's spine, the way the soft, black hairs tease his skin. If he could just wipe out every questionable thing he said, every stupid push forward, maybe he could forget that the same hands with which he pulls Levi in are responsible for tearing him down. The same lips that begged him not to go would now be saying goodbye for the final time. The same heart that desperately aches to please Levi, to show him what it means to be held, to be treasured...that same heart is breaking in his chest...weak and selfish and rootless, waiting for him to leave, to release this pressure.

Why is this so hard? Why, even when Levi says he can't, when he pushes Eren away, why does he accept Eren's advances? Why does Levi fold into his arms so easily? Why did he tug Eren in? Why did he beg him for more? How can he be this stupid? How can he be this selfish?

Levi told him outright...Levi told him that this wouldn't work, but he never listened. He never fucking listened to the words coming from Levi's mouth.

Levi... his eyes knowingly open, lids heavy with exhaustion, as Eren forces himself to pull away.

Will Levi be able to sleep once he's left? Will Levi be able to breathe a little easier once he's gone? Will the weight fall off of his burdened shoulders if Eren is the one to put the distance between them?

How could he not notice it before? Because Levi tried to end it. He warned Eren time and time again, but they were already in too deep. This was Levi’s last attempt. This was honest and unstable...and for Eren. That's what he said, maybe it's time Eren starts listening.

So he drags his heavy body to the edge of the bed, begging his composure to stay with him a little longer as he gathers his clothes, pulling them on slowly. He wouldn't give up, wouldn't let up, wouldn't let go, and everything that happened is his fault. Everything.

"Eren..."

It's so quiet, muted by the heavy energy in the bedroom, weighed down by the darkness that spreads out between them. He shouldn't turn back, shouldn't risk falling apart here, shouldn't give himself the chance to be comforted by Levi, but he owes the older man at least this...he owes Levi so much more. So he turns, takes one last look into averted grey eyes, wishing that he hadn't come this far...that he could hold onto this a little while longer.

"I'm sorry."

Throat tight, he pushes himself from the bed. Sorry...Levi is sorry, apologies ache from his lips, but his voice is miles away at the other side of the bed. He's the one who has been up front, the one who tried to stop it before it began, before he hurt either of them. Eren should be the one begging for forgiveness...but here is Levi, using his last words to protect Eren, after all he's done. He's hurt Levi at every junction, pushed at every block. Can't he, at the very least, muster enough strength to end this when Levi couldn't bring himself to say no to Eren's ceaseless whining, his incessant begging, his endless attempts to break through?

"I know."

Half-dressed with his tie balled up in his hand, the first step is the hardest as he moves through the doorway. But it doesn't get any easier as he moves through the apartment, pausing to pull on his dampened clothes, the weight in his chest doesn't get any lighter, the aching in his limbs doesn't release with his breathing. It continues to hurt, to sting at his fingertips, to anchor him firmly here. But he can't carry the burden of one more second, not one more misstep, because every time he screws up he drives another bruise into Levi. Every time he comes back he tears at a scar, unearths a memory. Every time he crawls into bed with Levi...he takes another piece of the reparations, weighs him down, drowns him out.

Holding his lip between his teeth, he squeezes tight until he has the strength to lift his shaking hand to the doorknob, turning the lock on the handle and pulling the door shut behind him. This is it, the last in a set of mistakes he's made with Levi, the last in his unsteady attempts to get out, to do what Levi always wanted.

That is what he wanted, right?

Back pressed to the door, leaning into the cool damp of his clothes, he can't stop himself from wondering what would happen if Levi came to the door, came running after him... But that would never happen...never again. These childish dreams need to stop, because hoping for Levi to beg him to stay, to tear at his scars a little more, it's twisted.

Footsteps fall heavily on the stairs as he pulls the hood of his jacket over his head, pressing forward, pushing away. The air is cool, damp, and it reaches out around him, soaks into his chilled skin, latches onto his wet clothes, slows his pace. The world falls nearly silent around him, sound softened by the thickness of the fog, streetlamps outlined by a halo of light, every particle lit up around each glowing bulb. Dense, heavy in his lungs, Eren can feel it...the weight of the air, his decisions, the way it all materializes around him.

It tingles against his skin, raises goosebumps into the flesh. It was never supposed to be this way...never supposed to end like this, with both of them broken and alone. If only he had paid any attention to what he was doing, if only he hadn't been chasing after a feeling, searching for comfort in someone stunted by his own assumed fragility. If only he had done things differently...or not at all, if only he'd left it alone.

This never would've happened if his eyes fell on a different empty desk on the first day of class, if he wasn't unconsciously pulled to sit near the window, if Levi hadn't caught his eye. But his clothes were tidy, professional, brought a quiet authority to his small frame, his voice was deeper than expected when he stood and introduced himself, his words carefully chosen, jotted down on the notebook in front of him. And those eyes...they rarely ventured from his desk, barely strayed from the professor as she added to his introduction, they didn't even look up when she suggested that everyone exchange emails with a classmate.

None of this would've happened if Eren hadn't traced over Levi's body with prying eyes and an inquisitive mind, if he didn't make a habit of noting clothing style, observing facial expressions, if he didn't hide his curious, intrusive nature behind the guise of writing. Because then he wouldn't have been drawn in by the sharp edges of Levi's features, the pointed look on his face. Every inch of the man lived in contrast, the stark white of his skin only made more apparent by the blackness of his clothes, the crisp edges of his jaw and perfect fold of his collar against smooth, pink lips, the toned muscles peeking out at the fold of his sleeves on his slouched posture, the indifference on his face only undermined by the softness of his gaze upon the papers on his desk.

Those eyes...what impulsive nerve running through Eren's mind made him want to see it...if only he could get Levi to look up, if he could just see the whole picture, then he could stop thinking about it. Neatly scrawling his name, number, and email onto a post it and holding it out to the quiet grad student, he got closer, inched in, waiting for the indifference in Levi's expression to turn toward him. Feigning disinterest in his face as he took the note, tight lips, straight brows, eyes flitting up beneath long, black eyelashes to meet Eren's, the softness in his gaze remained, grey and stormy and pulling Eren in.

That was the first...the first time their eyes met, the first in a string of Mondays that he felt the shiver of those eyes on his skin. Why did Levi spend so much time looking, staring? Why did he bother when Levi’s mouth remained wordless, when his gaze always fell away as soon as Eren turned to look at him?

It seems so clear now with the world swaying beneath his feet, the air uneasy around him, the darkness breathing heavy at the edges of his vision. Looking. Not talking, not touching. Levi wanted to stay impartial, uninvolved. Everything else was just things that Eren pushed on Levi...because he's always pushing, always jumping in without thinking. Levi has been telling him no this whole time, resisting with every move...right? Not making eye contact, not starting conversations, not wanting to hang out outside of class. But Eren kept moving forward, dragging Levi along with him.

If only he hadn't noticed it when Levi first texted him during class, the nervous energy in his bitten lip. If only he didn't read between the lines when Levi started making eye contact when they spoke, when he mentioned he arrived early before class every week, when he pointed out the readings he enjoyed. If only he hadn't seen the way Levi's lips turned up a little when they walked to their cars in the dwindling sunlight, the way his dark hair fluttered in the late summer breeze. If only he didn't realize that Levi's words had him thinking, had him up late, had him distracted...had him writing. If only he hadn't felt the thudding in his chest, the way his heart beat hard against his ribcage whenever he fell into the gaze of the grey of Levi's eyes.

But he romanticized the thought, turned unintentional responses into unrealized desires. He only saw what he wanted to see, only heard what he wanted to hear, only focused on the growing heat, ignoring the looming dark, the icy hold it had over Levi's body, his mind.

Somewhere along the line his intentions of friendship became muddled...tainted by misguided feelings, fucked up by selfish dreams, ruined by the hidden blush on Levi's face, the look in his eyes...the need in Eren's heart. It all made him wonder if Levi would be that timid tangled in the sheets, if he'd be that quiet with his body wrapped around Eren, that's why he jumped at the first shot, that's why he let his drunken mind drive him that night at the bar, let his daydreams fuel him, let his curiosity, his heart, his body lead him to Levi's bed, to bury his fingers in the fabric of Levi's clothes, to dive into those eyes, delve into that lithe body, get a little bit closer...

Closer. All he wanted was to press at the space between them until it was erased completely, to be there to hold Levi up...and now? Mindlessly, he walks as far as his legs will take him, moves slowly down the sidewalk toward nowhere in particular, as long as it's away from Levi, as long as he gets there before the sun rises on the horizon, before he can feel the shame in its light.

Because even after he admitted his feelings, Levi had no interest in being together...but Eren thought that would change, just like everything else...that Levi actually wanted it, that Levi wanted his affections, just didn't know how to accept them, just didn't know how to love. But he's been forcing himself on Levi this whole time...forcing Levi, and he wasn't listening. Because he was too caught up, so distracted...

Did he ever think of Levi when he was falling for him? Did he never notice that every moment of happiness he brought to Levi's heart also brought the weight of anxiety? He swore that he was paying attention, that he wanted what's best for Levi...but the look on his face...the tears falling onto his cheeks...they were fraught with pain, not understanding, not love, just pain. Pain for letting go. Pain for thinking that what he's done has hurt Eren.

If he could've said anything...anything at all when it mattered, maybe he could've helped. If only he had said something when Levi said he was happy...maybe his words could've stopped Levi from thinking he felt any differently. Because when it counts...his mouth can't form the words, his throat can't put power behind the thought. When he needs to say something...when it means more than he could imagine, the words don't come out.

"Dammit." It falls from his lips into the emptiness of the sidewalk, the weight of the darkness. If only had said something, anything when it mattered most. He never stops, he can never keep his mouth shut, until what he says can really make a difference. Instead, he spews stupid, selfish things like it will matter at all, like it will heal the wounds pressed into Levi's skin, like it will mend the cracks in his heart, the repeated hurt in his mind, like it will fix the space between them.

If his love could make a difference, it would have.

If those words could've reached Levi, if they could've made him understand...they would've.

If they were any more than a last ditch effort, any less than a selfish confession, it would've meant something.

That's probably what hurts the most, thinking that he could reach Levi. Thinking that he could be enough.

But all he really wants is for Levi to be okay...to be happy...even if he isn't the one to make him smile, to make him laugh...

That's why he left. That's why he walks with a heavy heart down the sidewalk, why he tries to not be hurt by Levi's actions, why he wipes the tears as they fall, smearing the evidence of his pain into the sleeves of his jacket. That's why his body moves to put distance between them, to minimize the ache of his actions on both of them.

If he could've done literally anything right...maybe then they wouldn't be in this mess. Maybe then they could still be friends, move slower...move not at all, but at least he'd have Levi close, and Levi would have him. At least he could be there. At least then, when those eyes would fill with water, drown in pain, he could always wipe the tears away. At least then he'd know Levi wasn't alone... even if he couldn't hold him in his arms, even if he couldn't press kisses into his skin, even if he couldn't tuck Levi into the covers as he falls asleep. He'd do it even if he couldn't wake to the sound of Levi showering, or smell the fresh scent of shampoo in his hair, even if he couldn't watch Levi get ready for work, or be the person he texts during his lunch break. He'd do it even if he couldn't make Levi breakfast, or pay for his meals, take him out, even if he couldn't physically be there, he could just be a call away, always reachable.

Even as friends, seeing him smile would be worth it. Seeing him at all would be worth it. Because something is better than nothing.

But nothing is all that's left.

The chill, the nip of the cold, the icy wind against his cheeks, the bite at the end of his toes, the tips of his fingers, it's nothing compared to the ache in his chest, the barely-there beat of his heart. The pain on the inside drowns out the pain of his skin. It's nothing. If only it could take him over...if only it could freeze him completely. If only it could eat him alive. Then he'd never have to feel this way again. And he hates to think this way, sinks his fingernails into his thighs, hoping to pull himself out of it, but it doesn't help, it doesn't stop.

Pounding against his skull, his brain is blurry, his head is dizzy, and all there is left of him is the swollen throbbing of his eyes, the sickness in his gut. And his heart...is it even there anymore? He can hardly tell. Is it aching, or just completely muted, paralyzed in place?

He always does this...tries to rationalize feelings into words, tries to find the right structure, force it into a sentence, into something that makes a little more sense. But it doesn't translate well, doesn't quite fit...it's all to overwhelming, too much, too foggy for words, and that makes it unbearable, that makes it uncharted, it makes it intimidating.

But he doesn't want to forget it...the emptiness in his mind, the heaviness in his heart, but the words don't readily come to him, drown out by the sound of his breath, the shiver creeping across his body. Doesn't want to forget the way his body drives him away, the way his fingers wrap into his coat, bunching the fabric against his chest, the way that he can't feel it beating anymore. He can't feel anything anymore. But the numbness...he'll never forget how it weighs into him, how the emptiness is so stalling, how it suspends his breath in the air before him.

Doesn't want to forget...the softness of Levi's kiss, the gentleness behind his fingertips, the warmth of his skin. Doesn't want the memory of the relief on Levi's lips to fall away, or the quiet sighs in the passing moments, the tension lifting from his body splayed out beneath Eren...the times he seemed to settle into Eren's arms, when the heat eased him to sleep, when he slept soundly through the night. If he can just hold on...hold on to the thought of the calm washing over Levi's face when he woke, hold on to the way the sun crawled in the window, stretched over his face, brought a sparkle to his scaly grey irises. Because in those seconds...he was alive under Eren's fingertips, awake at the call of the sun, he was...happy, preserved from the pain of his memories, protected beneath the sheets. In those seconds, in those minutes before he had to leave bed, before he had to return to the world, before Eren had to loosen his grip on him, dark grey flexed with muted blue, danced with crisp silver, moved around deep black, radiated a peaceful pleasure that knocked the breath from Eren’s lungs.

And it brought a deep warmth to Eren's chest, a cold shiver to his hot skin...it brought calmness to his thoughts, and intensity to his heart. Levi is...Levi is perfect, and he doesn’t even know it. He doesn’t know how deeply he touched Eren, how much Levi means to him...and he’ll never know. He’ll never know the way his very existence has shaken Eren to his core.

He's losing his grasp on himself, losing his fucking grip, because there must've been something he could've done, something to preserve it, something to save him from this hollowness in his chest. See? He's the one who didn't deserve a single moment of happiness with Levi...he's the one who didn't deserve it. He's selfish...he's always been selfish when it came to Levi...always chasing his own desires. So which one of them was really worse for the other? Which one was looking out for their well being?

But if he could just get one more moment with Levi...one more moment in those stormy grey eyes...if only one moment could be enough, because a lifetime with those eyes looking at him still wouldn’t be enough. A lifetime with the paleness of his skin, the softness of his touch, the heat of his love...it wouldn’t be enough, because lifetimes end, they come to a close, and not being able to see those eyes anymore...it reaches around his throat, chokes the air from his lungs...that’s a reality. Sooner...if only he had noticed it sooner, then he could've had it just a little bit longer, he could've looked into heavy grey, been swept away by the howling wind, been drenched in the gorged drops of rain, lit up by lightning as it sliced through the sky, shaken by endless cracks of thunder. 

Levi...he’s a storm, a wicked, living, thriving raincloud.

And Eren never really liked the rain. 

Never really liked the way the sky would breathe heavy with humidity, the grey blanketing blue. It reminded him of childish fear, of weakness, of a place better left behind, a place better left in the deep past. The grumble of the sky was never something he looked forward to, rather, something anticipated with regret, or the guilt of knowing he’d regret it.

Apprehension melted away though, because he was enveloped by the feeling. He gave in to the dewy sensation on his skin, looked up toward the greyness, waited for the rain to grace him, to roll down his face, press against his lips, to soak him so deep that he could never really get dry… 

Unease dissipated, because he can still feel the storm moving through him...he can still feel the tickle of water, of Levi’s fingertips against his chest, the goosebumps raising at the sway of Levi’s hands. He can still feel the way Levi’s body blanketed his, the dampness of their skin, the way he dove in without question… 

Dread disappeared, because Eren was completely caught up in the storm, begging for it to drench him...to take him away, to give him life again, to spark inspiration in his heart, to drown out his doubts…

And Levi did just that… let him see the incredible beauty in stark darkness, let him see what’s really behind his shielded eyes. Not the clouded grey sky, not only the promise of rain, but the promise of sun, the promise of vision, of inspiration, of a reason to keep moving, a reason to keep writing.

But none of that really matters now, does it?

Because the fog promotes a certain stillness in his heart. 

It feels so familiar, like the recesses of his mind when he's searching for the right words, when he's trying to reach something that he can't quite grasp, like he's straining to see something that isn't there anymore, like he's trying to understand something that he'll never quite get...it's unsettling...the way it feels almost identical to the inside of his head, his thought processes...the comforting, cold, damp, darkness…

The loneliness takes shape in the air around him, closing in on him, clouding his vision, muddling his thoughts until it's just him on the sidewalk. 

It’s just him...and it’s, it’s so heavy.

Weighing down on his shoulders,

Pressing him to the earth,

Grinding his knees into the pavement,

Driving his fingertips to the gritty concrete.

The world above him sways, clouds drifting across the light of the stars, but there is no clarity, just the misplaced desires in his head, the misguided needs in his chest, the misled hopes in his heart.


	12. I Am Always Yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had already felt Levi's embrace long before the smaller man wrapped his arms around Eren's neck, before he had held Eren close in the darkness of his bedroom, limbs entwined...he had already felt it when Levi offered a sly smile, a short movement that flexed in silvery grey irises, that caused little wrinkles in the sides of his eyes, barely visible beneath stray black bangs...he had already felt the warmth spread like arms around his chest, the weight creeping down from his collarbones, the beating of Levi's heart, heavy enough to feel against his own. He had already felt it filling up his heart, breathing life into him, awakening his whole body in the realization…

December moves in with barely a notion, with hardly a sound. It creeps into being by the hand of chilling air, pushes away the dreams of warmth, the thoughts of sunshine, the need for comfort. It wafts in, carried by the frigid breeze, drifting in across the water in the port. It feels so distant...so near...like it has such a profound hold over Eren's body, but such a loose grasp over his heart, his mind. It tries to hold him down, tries to weigh him into his spot...and it's working, it's slowly gaining control over his limbs, freezing over his fingertips, crystallizing his blood as it flows through his veins. Bitter, the breeze nips at the skin of his face, brings blush to his cheeks, but he can't bring himself to walk through the doors, can't push himself to enter the building just yet.

So he watches through the window instead, watches the people moving in the busy university hallway, watches them scatter as time ticks slowly closer to six. Slowly, but all too fast. Moving, pressing forward, his body swings the door open in front of him, walks him at a brisk pace to his classroom with barely a minute to spare. Carefully tracing the room, his eyes quickly line the desks to his right, keeping far away from Levi on the other side of the room, sitting behind several people to block his tempted gaze.

His jittery frame slides into the desk as the professor makes her greeting, gluing his eyes to the direction of his hands, consciously making an effort to not look across the room at Levi...Levi and his probably black clothes, his meticulously parted hair, his papers laid out on the desk before him...he's not going to look to see it, he already knows exactly what he'd see. There's no need. But the tightness in his chest, it knows how near Levi is, it knows how many seconds it would take to cross the room to get to him, to fold the older man in his arms. Not that it would change anything.

Fuck...he holds the word at the tip of his tongue as his fingers flip to an open page of his notebook, scribbling it at the top of the page in tight cursive letters. Not enough time has passed, not enough minutes since they last spoke, not enough seconds since they last touched. Not enough, because Eren can still feel the indents of Levi's fingertips on his skin, the pressure of pink lips against his, the weight of whispered words in his head. Not enough time has passed for those things to move from Eren's memory. And too much time has passed...because this week feels harder, this week feels heavier. Probably because he knows he'll hear Levi's voice today, without question, because they'll be discussing seminar topics, because the grad students will be presenting their essay questions for the undergrad's final.

Seven days...seven days from now will be the last time they're forced to be in the same room, the last time Eren have to be this close to Levi. Seven days will be the final class of this semester, the final week of this seminar, the last time he'll have to hold his breath to keep from saying something stupid. One more week and then they won't have to see each other again. One more week and every last chance to salvage this...slips from his fingers. Seven days since he's last laid eyes on Levi, since he last forced himself to go to class. Nine days since he's heard Levi speak.

He swallows hard, brushes the thought away, trying to focus on the pages set out before him, but the typeset just isn't right, just isn't visible to his watering eyes. His throat is tight, and his swallow hurts as the pressure builds behind his eyes, because the words on the page, the assignment, the very desk holding him here, it doesn't feel real. He can't even hear what the other grad students are saying, even though the words are right in front of him, he can't hear anything but the shaking of his desk as he bounces his knees, pressing his toes into the floor to try and reaffirm himself here. But the world is spinning a little, the floor isn't quite steady, the room is too fucking hot, so he pulls his hat from his head, placing it on his knee, squeezing it in his fingers.

This place has been home for over 3 years. He's worked here, gone to school here, lived here. All of his friends are here, the majority of his support system, all of his belongings. Never has he felt so at home in this place as when Levi was by his side, looking up at him through those stormy grey irises...never has he felt so alienated as when Levi left him standing on his own, never has he felt so estranged as when Levi swore he'd do nothing but hurt Eren. But he's so fucked up...he doesn't even want to be at home here, he doesn't want to feel at ease. He wants to feel every second of this guilt, this doubt, this pain, because that is real, what happened between them, it was real...

He gets it now...the reason Levi stormed out that other time a few weeks ago, because his head is ringing with words and his leg is bouncing nervously on the floor, helplessly, hopelessly, he closes his eyes, tilts his head down. Pressing his hands to his knees to steady them, he counts the seconds of his breathing, tries to slow his heartbeat, but it isn't enough. It just isn't enough...

Until Levi starts talking.

The memory just doesn't do it justice...it's something even that supposedly creative mind of his can't get right...can't quite match the inflection points, the dips in power, the deep breaths between sentences. He reads the words directly from the page, brings them into focus under Eren's gaze, washing away the blurred black into sentences against a white page. The words capture no meaning, though, the questions asked by the other students don't phase him, just the quick answers Levi spits out in reply, the stumbling over his words, the honesty in his voice when confronted with answering them...that's what stands out. That was always different when they were alone...he wasn't trying to force it finished, wasn't trying to end the conversation as quickly as possible. No, he took his time, thought carefully between sentences, like the conversation between them meant something.

But no matter how many times Eren heard it, no matter how much, he could never accurately capture the honey-sweet tone of Levi's rarely heard voice, the way his sentences always start out strong, sultry, like he's got a hold of his thoughts, but as his mind goes, his voice is quiet, breezy, airy, still holding every bit of that deep timbre. And it's absolutely fucking suffocating, because he's heard that up close, heard it quietly hum at the first bite of breakfast, heard it in a broken whisper, a strangled moan, a thoughtful confession, he's heard that voice cracked behind tears, fractured behind an apology. He's heard it soften in reassurance, firm in encouragement.

After this, he won't hear it at all, without even a proper representation in his head.

And the class moves on like it isn't the most crippling moment Eren has faced all day. They turn the pages on their desks in disjointed unison, a broken background to the sigh on his lips. Some other grad student starts talking, and the room moves on, they move on...but Eren lets the emptiness in his chest sink him into the seat, double him over, he lets the aching of his air deprived lungs find shallow rhythm with his heart. Throat tight, he flips through his notebook, looking for something to hold onto, laying it flat, clicking his pen and drawing the ink to the page.

Fucking breathe.

But he can't, he can't get a hold of himself. The only time he's breathed easy in the last two weeks was a brief moment veiled in Levi's sheets, a quiet second when he breathed out that hopeless confession, laid his lips over Levi's, drew a relaxed moan from his tongue. Preserved clearly in his memory, that moment, that second in time, it remains when the rest of the night is shrouded by drunken emotions, fuzzy and clouded by a single thought...it was never supposed to be this way. Levi's words echo in his head, but he can't remember how he got home, the look on Levi's face when he left is undimmed, the way his black hair fell on his forehead in the forefront of Eren's mind, but he can't remember fumbling with the keys to his apartment, can't remember crawling into his own bed in his dampened clothes.

Important details are lost in the fabric of Levi's bed, little pieces of him left behind in Levi's apartment, because that man so seamlessly made him forget that he never wanted this. He wasn't ready for this, wasn't interested in dating, in seeing anyone...he wasn't interested in any more one night stands, because the chatting, the games, the nonsense, it was getting in the way of his writing, in the way of the only thing that made him feel like he wasn’t losing his grip.

He needs to be reminded of it, that he didn't want someone to go out with, someone to distract him...he wanted to stay in, to spend weekends at home, week nights in bed, on the couch. Until he found himself writing about something else, until he found himself daydreaming about that quiet man from class, because then he wanted to spend mornings cooking, begging for more time between the sheets, one more minute pulled close, one more kiss before he walked out the door. He wanted someone content with sitting side by side focusing on writing papers, on reports for work, someone happy to let him write...someone he'd happily set his writing aside for.

He wanted that...but not when he started this semester, not then. He wanted that, but nobody was willing to give it to him...so he had given up. He wanted that...but not so soon. He wasn't looking for it when he found himself next to Levi every Monday. He wasn't looking for it until they'd arrive early to class each week, until they sat in silence working on drafts for papers, until he tapped quietly at his keyboard while Levi scribbled edits over someone's manuscript. He hadn't even noticed he wanted it until they felt the need to talk, until they'd both close their books and look at each other, talk about free time, talk about tea, talk about nothing important like it was the most important thing in the world. Until their conversations bled into class time, until their typing was full of messages back and forth instead of lecture notes, full of comments on the readings, thoughts about the weather, personal questions about work that day, about nothing and everything all at once.

He didn't want it. Didn't need it. He wasn't looking for this. That's what he thought. Maybe it'd be easier to go back to thinking that way, to go back to thinking he needs no one, wants no one. Because all he really wants to do now is write. To let the ink release frustration onto the page, but instead he flops the pen into the fold of his notebook, feels the aching in his chest as it settles between the sloppy half-filled pages. And the words avoid him, the thoughts too heavy to dislodge from his head, too messy to form into sentences. They sit tight in his throat, breathe in his discontent as he runs the corner of the page between his thumb and fingertip. His livelihood, his lifeline...they avoid him, work to stay away from him. And he's nothing without it. He's been hiding behind it, hoping for it to take him somewhere, but all it does is hold him back, allows him to feel contented without a purpose, without a drive toward a career.

Levi let him forget that for a moment, that art won't pay the bills, won't impress anyone, but he’s given up. So what's the point of pursuing it? He should've noticed it earlier. He's nothing with it, he's nothing without it. And his parents have always known that...they always wanted more from him. Always wanted successful children, but Mikasa was always better suited to give them what they wanted, to follow the rules. It's like she thought she owed them something, but the expectations weighed on him, dizzied him, left him knowing that he’d never quite live up to it. They wanted better for him, didn't want him to struggle to make a living...claimed that they didn’t think he was incapable of doing well… He stopped telling people that he wanted to be a writer, stopped correcting them when they asked if he was planning on becoming a teacher, he stopped believing in himself. Maybe he'd just fall into line one day, maybe he'd just grow up, buckle down, make something of himself in a traditional way...

Because what the fuck is he doing? There is no encouragement, there is no future in this. He should've realized that a long time ago...he should've known this would happen.

But Levi’s voice breaks through, releases the tightness in his jaw, brings a chill to his spine, an ease to his breathing. Identity, inspiration, he reads from his paper again, careful not to trip over his words...author to person, author to group, he brings importance to the assigned literature, encourages personal reading in so few sentences. 

Levi drew it out of Eren with the ease of a breath, the simplicity of a word. Curiosity sparked at such a quiet question, a thoughtful gesture, a gentle lean near Eren’s shoulder, and the soft intake of air against Levi’s lips. Those things incited the pages already filled, the ones with deep pen indentations that dance along his fingertips, the ones that have already lived, already breathed, the ones given life by passion, by the thought of greyness, the thought of pale skin marked with kisses, lined with scars, those pages feel like accomplishment, those pages feel weighted with the words, exhausted by a missed opportunity. Levi breathed a little life into Eren right from the start, prompted words to flow from his head, and he never even knew it. With that, he beat the drought of the preceding months, he could bring life to a moment in time without hesitation, immortalize a second without doubts...with that he could bring his characters to life between the lines, bring Levi to life, bring himself to life, if only for a little while.

And he fell in love. Not with the person he created, not with the fictional body based on Levi's mannerisms, Levi's words, no. He fell in love with the feeling...with the inspiration. He fell in love with the man responsible for the words moving effortlessly through his body, for the pages of notes ready to be turned into something beautiful, ready to take form, to stretch from the page, take flight behind someone’s eyes. 

How long ago had he noticed it? How long has it been since he'd started staring off into space, running over their conversations, dreaming up explanations for Levi's actions, thinking up details of his past, working them into a backstory, weaving a plot? How long ago did he catch the quiet smile on his face while he wrote about things Levi had done? How long has it been since he started to realize the pieces of Levi wrapped in all of his characters, in the poetry of the scenery? How long has it been since he began to notice Levi in the brush of the falling leaves, in the warmth of his skin, in the thud of his chest?

How long did he love Levi without knowing?

And how long after he left did Eren realize he lost Levi without even having him?

He thought maybe...he could do for Levi what Levi did for him. But Levi's already adjusted, a working adult, a competent student. What could Eren have possibly done? What could some misguided kid bring to light? Levi doesn't need somebody meddling in his life, hurting him, but Eren is nosy...selfish...he wanted to see Levi smile. He thought maybe someone else gets that part of him, maybe he hides the best of him...but in reality, he smothers the best of him, pushes it down until it can't breathe, he hides it. Because he think's he's poisonous, he thinks he'll hurt everyone...he thinks he's cold, unyielding...

Shifting around him, the room moves, stealing Eren’s attention away from his heavy stare, away from the words he finds no comfort in. Emptying, the classroom is left by the majority of the students, void of chatter as the break begins. But he doesn’t move a muscle, doesn’t even flinch, because there’s no need to go on break now, no need to wander the halls, no need to remind himself of another thing he and Levi used to do. Levi doesn’t budge either, doesn’t look up from his desk, doesn’t change his slouched position, doesn’t move in Eren’s peripheral vision. The room is opened up between them, spotted with a few students, a few words between them and the professor, but the air between them is silent, untouched. 

Letting his eyes drift, holding his breath, he steals a glance at Levi, allows the weight of the last week to anchor his gaze, to lag over the bend in Levi’s left arm as it hangs on the top corner of his chair, to pause over the tip in his shoulders, the unevenness of his slouch, the way thick chunks of black hair lays on his forehead with the tilt in his head, the gentle hold of his pen in his right hand, the soft movement of his knuckles grazing his lips, the flit of his eyes, half-lidded, back and forth against the page before him. Whatever Levi is working on has his undivided attention, probably someone’s book, someone’s words, they’ve got him holed up somewhere else right now, locked away in a completely different world, a world without Eren, without the stresses of work, of class, of the past. 

Fire of jealousy aches around his lungs, burns the tissue between them, feels tight against his ribs. He wants that...more than anything else. He wants to captivate, to create a world with his hand against the paper, to make something of a few words strung together...something worthy of Levi’s attention, something deserving of Levi’s respect, something that could take him away from all of this… but he is getting nowhere with his eyes glued to Levi, nowhere with the pounding in his chest, so he picks up his pen, chews at the inside of his lip, and tries to embody this moment, tries to put it all on paper with the few minutes he has left. Because there is no guarantee that Levi will remain in his seat the whole ten minutes of break, no guarantee that he'll stay the full class period, but for now, he's here, he's safe, he's everything. For now, he's Eren's, even if he doesn't know it. 

It's heavy handed, possessive, but it's all he's got. So he lets the pen tear against the page, lets the sloppy writing form in lists, in choppy sentences, in unanswered questions, because even if this doesn’t reach Levi, even if this never makes it any further than this notebook, it draws from him now as the class returns, as everyone discusses their seminar paper topics, as everyone is blind to their energy buzzing across the room. 

How can someone like this leave an imprint on his heart?

Others think Levi is nasty, angry, that his face warns of an oncoming storm. But dammit, those eyes tell a different story. 

They pulled him in, broke through the space he was trying to maintain with everyone around him.

He's callous, distant, abrasive, but only when he can keep people at arm's length, only when he can keep people from entering his personal space. But he made a mistake. He let Eren in, let him get too close, let the younger man rest a hand on his shoulder, brush his arm while they walked down the hall. He opened his mouth, spoke about more than just class, snacks, the weather, he opened up, piece by piece as Eren stepped closer, took him over inch by inch. From up close, that attitude doesn't translate, the abrasive nature of his words doesn't even burn. 

The distance of Levi’s heart was harder to close. Maybe he never really touched that barrier. Maybe he never really got close enough. But even then, harshness and caution gave way to discomfort, anxiety, the memories of being unwanted, and dammit...Eren could feel it between them, he could feel it aching from Levi's skin when they touched, even if only for a second, he could see it when they exchanged glances, when they exchanged words, jokes, when they finally kissed…

When they finally closed that biggest distance, Eren could taste the need on Levi's tongue, could feel the pain seeping from the man's every pore, sparking into Eren's fingertips as they eased into every muscle. Levi wanted more than just sex, pleasure, he wanted more, but he had no idea how to ask for it...is Eren wrong for thinking that? Had he miscalculated from the beginning? Levi had spent so long evading Eren's advances, being completely oblivious, that when Levi moved in a little, when Levi pushed forward, Eren could hardly believe it, could hardly breathe, because even if only for an hour, he could make the pain hidden behind Levi's eyes subside, make the tension in trained muscles melt away, make the usually tight lips on Levi's straight face turn up, curve around a moan, tip into a smile.

And that was enough.

But Eren had to push it. He had to drive his fingers into Levi's chest, tear at the repaired flesh, crack into fragile ribs, force Levi to bear his heart. With every movement, every inch forward, every desperate thought of something serious between them, he pushed Levi away. And Levi forced that space between them...because he wasn't ready, wasn't healed enough when they met. 

Even if he was…there's more to it than a broken heart, more than the fear of an empty bed, than the ache of an abandoned home. No...it's an unforgettable lesson lashed into pale skin, a seed sown beneath his heart that sprouted into the muscle, budding with each beat, each beating. It's an enduring education, the way the hurt rooted into his veins, encased his chest, wrapped tightly around his ribs, itching, burning, embedding in the space between his lungs, stretching into every cavity. He was sheltered in darkness, shaded from light, flooded, drown out by the one person who was supposed to foster his growth, the person that led him to believe that he is fruitless, pointless. And despite all that, he twisted himself, despite all that, he grew gnarled and contorted around the pain, tangled in the weighty vines, leached by the memories of the voice that told him he'd never be good enough. But he was given life in rich soil, cultivated by that which gave him love before he even knew the name, which gave him just enough warmth before he had it taken away.

The words stare back at Eren from the page, but he can't glean anything from it, can't differentiate the real reasons for any of this from the shit he's constructed in his head. Because maybe it was his own damn fault, maybe he did push too hard, but the space between them, it's so vast, so distant, because Levi put it there. And the weight of it...it's innumerable, pressed down by the hand that senselessly laid into Levi, the hand that left him scarred, bruised, the hand that still holds heavy and ceaseless around his throat.

And still, through labored breaths, from burning lungs, he’d rather take it all on himself than let Eren help him. He still sees through it...sees through the hurt entangled in his timeline, he gets up every day, does what is asked of him, he holds onto things that he can’t disappoint, because those things can’t feel the hold it has over him, can’t see the effort he puts out just to show up, but Eren can. Weakened and weary, Levi’s single intention remains sparing those around him from feeling his hurt, keeping the burden off of their shoulders. Maybe that’s what Hanji meant when she held Eren back that night at the bar, maybe that’s what she meant when she apologized, when she looked at him through thick lenses, frowned around her words. “He would never forgive himself if he hurt you.” Like it’s inevitable, like straining Eren is unavoidable...and he never wanted anything to do with it in the first place, because that’s just easier.

Giving up is easier...that’s why Eren remains seated as the class makes its way toward the door, as the time runs out and the clock hands ache endlessly forward. Eyes stationary, he loses sight of everything before him, lets the lines blur, because all he can see is the person moving toward Levi across the room in his peripherals, all he can see is Levi tilting his head to listen to them...everything is so messed up. He is at a complete standstill while the world moves around him, while students walk past him, daring him to step forward, begging him to move on, to do anything at all, but it hurts...it all just hurts too much...and the numbness is too heavy on his limbs for him to go anywhere, to do anything. Levi looks fine, he looks fine as he gazes up at the girl before him, nodding as she points toward a part in her book, and here Eren is...stone faced and falling apart as Levi leans forward, just another dark shadow in his memory.

“Eren…” Quiet, a harmonious voice reaches his ears, pulls him from his thoughts, forcing him to take a breath, to draw a curve in his lips, to force a smile as he turns his head to look. But he doesn't need to see the face to know the voice, doesn't need to see the dark hair parted down the middle into matching pigtails, playful and spirited against freckled skin. 

“Hey, Mina.” Quickly folding his notebook shut, he slides his things into his backpack, hoping she didn't see anything lingering on the page, hoping she doesn’t see anything idle in his eyes. The space between them is too little as he stands, pulling his jacket from where it hangs on his chair, slipping his arms into the sleeves. “How are you?” He asks the question, but he doesn’t really care about the answer, can’t really focus on keeping the fake smile on his face while he watches someone else join the conversation with Levi across the room. Hollow, he can’t find it in himself to care about anything else.

But she is no better, stepping back, she avoids his eyes, pushes her agenda. “I’m doing fine...just really stressed about getting everything done.” And here it comes, the reason she came over here, the begging to swap shifts at the writing center paired with the over-explanation...but he doesn’t really care that he sees it coming, doesn’t really care, because a fellow grad student brushes his hand on Levi’s shoulder, smiles at him through pale eyes. “Would you be available to take my shift tomorrow? I moved all my appointments, so it’s just walk-ins from one to three.” 

And Levi smiles back at the other man...a short smirk that doesn’t reach his eyes, an effort to fake it in a place he’s never bothered before, and it burns embers in Eren’s gut, sets him on fire from the inside, reason giving way to let it completely consume him.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll work.” He can’t be in this room a second longer, can’t feel anything but his heart beating heavily in his chest, sinking, drifting, dropping in his gut. Each beat radiates through him, thumping in his empty stomach. “Just text me the hours so I don’t forget.” Because pulling out his phone to type them in his calendar is too much to handle right now, too much for his shaking fingers to be responsible for, so he pulls on his backpack and accepts the touch of her hand against his arm, accepts her unrefined gratitude, keeps the smile plastered on his face as she waves and walks out the door.

He needs to leave...but his feet are anchored to the floor, his mind drives to move, but his body is motionless, halted by the sickening beating of his heart...if only it could just stop, quiet down for a little while. Standing only a few yards from the door, his eyes fixate on the back wall of the classroom, the white painted cinderblock, the pits and divots in the jointed blocks, marked with pencil lines, tape left from flyers that have been since torn away. It offers him nothing by way of comfort, but he can’t do much of anything else, can’t hear the words being spoken around him, can’t push past it, can’t really breathe with the thought of Levi just out of reach, just out of sight. It’s normal for him, sometimes he’ll slip away into his mind, focused on something no one else can see, but this is different, this is deafening, and nobody would even know it.

Because it's never occurred to them that there might be something else going on...it never occurred to them that it was a front, that the space within his head is reserved for more than just writing, that he's rotting with every second, because there's nothing fucking wrong with him. There’s nothing...but his head is so fucked up, it's always been so fucked up, and he can't escape it no matter how brightly he smiles, no matter how much he pretends to be happy...but it fools everyone else. It fools those who just aren't close enough to see the real him, who just wouldn't understand why he's so different in his head...because it doesn’t make any sense. Nothing has happened for him to be this broken, for him to be this misguided.

Not that he wanted anyone to see in anyway, that's why he started hiding behind the smile in the first place. And he’s surrounded by people that understand, people that go through this, but half of what he says is relayed back to his sister, his mom, half of what he feels gets thrown back in his face. So he keeps himself secret from even those closest to him, because knowing they couldn't help...it would only hurt them, and he doesn't want any more hurt...so he holds it in, hides behind moments of anger, aches from behind a smile, puts up a wall of silence. It's been so long, so long without words, he doesn't even know how to say it anymore… 

But he didn’t have to say a word, never had to explain himself… because without even trying, without even thinking, Levi saw in, looked past the cheery exterior and onto the sometimes darkened core. He is the illusion of light over a forgotten darkness, concealing the hidden truth, and Levi…Levi is the opposite, he is a shadow eclipsing the warmth, shaded by overbearing leaves. Somehow, Levi saw through him...saw something else, something other than what he offered. Levi saw the real light peeking through the cracks, undeterred when Eren was panicked about his family, he understood the struggle in his head when he wasn't writing, he saw through it...saw his vulnerability without exploiting it, lifted the weight in his heart, gave him someone to lean on, and Levi didn’t even know he was doing it. 

Unaware of the confidence Levi put behind Eren’s hand, oblivious to the calm breath settled in Eren’s lungs, the steadiness in his chest, the palpitations in his heart, Levi was there to hold him up with only a word, with only a touch, a look. But adding to the pain, causing the anxiety, it was too much to bear, too much to take responsibility for. And how could he be blamed for that? How can he be blamed for the shutter in Eren’s fingertips, or the shallow beating of his heart? How can he be blamed for Eren’s frozen form, or the ever running tide of thoughts crashing in his head?

Indifferent to the passing of a long moment, Eren moves his fingers against the sleeves of his jacket, wakes himself up piece by piece, hoping to move, not wanting to walk away from Levi again… And nobody turns an eye, because it’s nothing new to anyone else remaining in the room, over the weeks, Eren would wait for Levi to finish talking with the professor after class, Levi would wait for Eren when he talked to people about the writing center...and week after week, they never missed a day of walking to the parking structure together, never left the building without one another. He spent several evenings sitting in the hall waiting for the grad students to talk with the professor, back leaned up against the wall, knees holding his notebook up, pen working at the page, earbuds drowning out the sound of students walking by. He’d wait for the familiar brush of Levi’s shoulder against his as the older man crouched on the floor next to him, wait for the gentle pull of the corners of Levi’s lips as they turned up around his words, wait for the same line, the same encouragement, the same closeness of the previous weeks. “Can I read it yet?”

“It’s still not ready.” Not ready because editing creative work was Levi’s job, constructive criticism was his job, and he was sure to find something wrong. Not ready because the feelings inside hadn’t solidified, because the feelings hadn’t been reciprocated. 

He’ll never see it. He’ll never read anything Eren has written, never be taken away from this place by Eren’s words, and it weighs heavily in his throat.

Swaying back on his left foot, he makes the first move to leave, steps forward on unsteady legs, grabs the door handle with an empty chest, and pushes through with a breath held in his lungs. Lured back, he lets his eyes direct his gaze over his shoulder, because it’s unavoidable, it’s inevitable...because every chance could be his last to take in the man’s small form, the narrowness of his shoulders, the precision of the white scarf tied around his neck, the way his hair falls into his eyes when he leans over to pick up his bag, the way he brushes the thick black pieces back into place with one movement of his hand...the arch in his eyebrows when he turns his head toward the door, the straight shape of his soft, pink lips, the lines beneath his eyes drawn on by unnumbered sleepless hours, the light color of his eyes too far to see clearly. Except that they’re looking this way, that they’re locked into Eren, saddened, widened as the moment moves by, lower lids raise in a split second, the hint of a smile on his lips...except that the realization hits him, forces his eyes down, away from Eren.

And the action stops Eren's heart in his chest, it pushes the door closed between them, drags him through the hallway, down the stairs, out the door before the thought bubbling in his gut can surface. Slapping him in the face, the cold chokes his throat, pulls the words to the forefront of his mind as he moves against the sidewalk. This is just as hard on Levi as it is on him...this is tearing at his heart, eating at his mind. He moves against the wind that whips through campus, past the dusting snow that won't survive until morning, running a hand along his bare neck, the space where the soft, red fabric of his favorite scarf should be. But he can't even feel the panic, can't even feel the disappointment or the regret when he notices his scarf isn't wrapped around him, that it isn't stuffed in his coat pocket. He can't feel the loss, can’t go back to look for it, because losing the damn scarf is better than seeing that look on Levi’s face again, better than seeing Levi turn away. So he pushes forward, drives home in near silence, unfocused on anything but the road directly in front of him, because every other thought that begs to invade his mind is too alluring, too dangerous.

Ignoring everything else, he only moves from the cold air into his apartment, peels back his coat, heads for his bedroom, seeks refuge from his own head in the cushion of his comforter. There is only him and the bare, white ceiling, only him and the soft warmth of his bed welcoming him back, only him. There are books he could be reading, writing he could be doing, essays he could be starting on, but his mind is elsewhere...his body is here, heavily anchored in his bed, but his head can’t even be distracted by mindless scrolling through the infinite internet feeds, not even scoffing at the news headlines interests him...because he just can't get his thoughts together, just can’t shake one simple thought…

Reaching across his bed, pulling the fabric into his fist, his thoughts are clouded, because his bed is smaller than Levi’s...but twice as empty, twice as lonely. He is here...alone and wide awake and breathing heavily, here, running his hand up his chest, beneath his shirt, causing shivers over his entire body, chilling his skin. He’s here, but he’d rather be somewhere else, rather the thoughts he can’t keep from crossing his mind be a reality. Because he’s running cold fingertips against his lips, he’s drawing lines against his chest with blunt fingernails, he’s closing his eyes, wanting to wipe the thought away, to do anything else but this...wanting to dive in, to retreat to his misguided fantasies, to give in to this feeling that's overcome his body, the need hidden just below his skin, the fucking inescapable heat in his gut, the thought that won't be erased.

But this is wrong, isn't it? To think of him now, to think of him this way after all that’s happened...it’s counterproductive, isn’t it? To keep his eyes closed tight, to imagine the pull of the blanket beneath him under the weight of Levi’s knee, to envision the warm shadow over Levi’s face as he slips his body over Eren’s, crawling on top of him...it’s bad...isn’t it? To slide the weight of his palm over his stiffening cock the way Levi would rest his ass against it, feel it pressing against his jeans, to tilt his head to the thought of Levi sinking his face into the crook of Eren’s neck, pressing a short kiss to the goosebump covered skin, to think of the older man moving in, to move his own fingers the way Levi would against his skin, to feel the tingling from the sensual touches, to think of the soft moans emanating from Levi’s chest, the smile spreading across his lips. 

This is bad.

“Eren…” The voice is fresh in his mind, still lingering in his ears from hours of class, and if there’s one thing Eren can remember, it’s the way Levi says his name, the way it trickles off his tongue, the way it moves through his entire body, the way it sounds falling from his lips...the way those lips dance across the younger man’s skin in his head, the way they part to the words against his chest. “I’ve missed you.” 

This is...wrong.

But he has no intentions of stopping, not after he’s this far gone… so he takes no care in undressing himself, just unbuttons his jeans, quickly pulls at the zipper, slips his hardened cock from his boxers. And he’s tearing at Levi’s clothes in his mind, feeling the warmth of soft skin beneath his fingertips. He wants it over as soon as possible, but he wants this illusion to last for hours, to be like the real thing where he can’t bear to let go, won’t give in until after Levi’s voice has turned to a plea for pleasure, won’t give up until Levi is satisfied.

If he could just...get Levi beneath him, if he could just...get Levi where he wants him, he would bury himself in the soft, soapy scent of Levi’s skin, drown in the sound of his beating heart, give all of himself to that reluctant man. But that won’t happen...this will have to do for now, his delusion driven mind will have to do for now, the deceptively realistic look on Levi’s face, lips hung open with breaths, heavy and choked. “I want you.” The heat from shining grey eyes in this fucking fantasy will have to do...the fallen strands of thick black hair hanging over Levi’s face, the misplaced dashes that he doesn’t even care to fix it because he is only begging for Eren to press inside of him, begging...begging with the look in his eyes, begging with the hold he has over his lip. “I can’t wait any longer.” And the moaning...the twinge in Levi’s voice as Eren slips the head of his cock between his fingers, teases it, thumb against the slit, rubbing the warm drops of precum over it...biting his lip between his teeth with force...the thought of pressing it against Levi, of getting a frustrated reaction from the older man’s lips...and the thought of Levi’s soft sighs once he’s pushed the entirety of his cock into the tight space of his ass, stretching, throbbing, hot and slick and…

“Fuck…”

This is going to end fast, so he pushes toward relief...pushes toward orgasm, running his hand tightened in a fist slowly down the shaft, and then quickly, bending his knees and thrusting into the hold of his fist, choking back the groan bubbling in his chest. And Levi...Levi with his knees pressed to his chest, his hips flexible, ass full and firm in Eren’s palms...Levi with his eyes closed, head tipped back, eyebrows tipped up, relaxed and slack under Eren’s touch, panting breaths brittle and rough slipping from his lips...

If he could just hold onto the image until all he can see is Levi’s face move around an airy moan, around Eren’s name, until all he can feel is the intensity of his hand around his cock, until all he can do is breathe out the name in response. “Levi…” Moving hard and slow, ruthless, relentless, the way he finishes off Levi, slamming into him with hopes of precision, luck… and he controls the sound of his voice until sweat is peeked from his hairline, damp and sticking his shirt to his collarbones, dripping slowly from the dips of his knees. “Ahhh...Levi!” Quickening his pace, ignoring the guilt in his gut, the regret in the back of his mind, he lets go, lets go of reality for a moment, gives into the heat spreading across his chilled skin, the itch at the back of his neck, the memory of Levi tight and pulsing beneath him, Levi in his arms, and the heavy heartbeat that shakes his whole body until it’s all he can hear. “Hahh!” 

With a sharp intake of breath, he presses forward, lets his body shudder at his own touch, lets his cock spill over his own stomach and chest, feels the warm threads land on his skin as he slows his movement, lazily stroking the remaining drops of cum from his trembling cock. And a long breath out, a sigh into the empty light of his room, it punctuates the thought, interrupts his fantasy, drags him back to the reality of his bed, the stickiness of his skin. Not even a brief moment can be spent in fulfillment, the weight of his body sinking into the mattress as his muscles relax, cool air drawing his body back in the real world, pulling goosebumps into his skin. But the disconnect of his mind and body, the fogginess that keeps hold of his thoughts, it keeps him occupied, keeps him blind to the pain aching over his chest, keeps him concealed from the haziness he just can’t seem to get rid of...the persistent haze that’s fallen over him it has no intentions of lifting, but it keeps him shielded, keeps him from doing something unnecessary. It keeps him unaware, keeps him from wondering what Levi’s up to, keeps him focused on the hot water of the shower as it erases the forgotten lust from his skin.

Quiet shuffling from the kitchen moves to the forefront of his attention as he moves through the hallway, pulling on a tshirt and fixing the hem over his pajama pants. Groggy, he stands in the doorway watching Armin pulling little plastic containers from a bag, ruffling the thick brown paper with his elbows until the blonde catches him. “Mmm!” Gesturing with his hands at two boxes on the counter, he quickly finishes the first bite of his sandwich already torn open and left on the counter, ushering Eren to take what was bought for him. 

Moving to the corner of the counter, he opens the plastic to the fresh smell of bread, thick and homemade, around chicken breast and ham, swiss cheese, romaine lettuce, drawn together with a spicy mustard and mayo, his favorite sandwich from the little deli they discovered the same month they moved into their apartment. The other is a carrot cupcake from their bakery, decorated perfectly with cream cheese frosting and a little carrot drawn into the top. He looks down with a tightness in his throat. Armin knows, he always knows, so even when Eren didn’t remind him that he’d be seeing Levi today, even when he tried to not make a big fuss about Levi ending things, Armin already knew. He had already seen the way Eren talked about the older man, the way he involved himself so fully, the way he came back a little more deflated each time things got worse. Armin knows, so he stays quiet, he doesn’t fill the space with useless greetings or incessant questioning, just acts like he isn’t watching Eren’s every move.

But he knows Armin too, he’s holding his breath on the other side of the kitchen, waiting for Eren to move, waiting for anything at all. He knows Armin, so he eats because he knows his oldest friend won’t be as worried if he does, he takes a bite and satiates his growling stomach, takes a bite to hear the quiet exhale move from Armin’s lips, to see him settle his back into the kitchen wall with ease in his muscles. Stray blonde hairs lay against his forehead, not yet long enough to be pulled back into the little bun that sits on top of his head, soft teal crewneck magnifying the bright blue eyes looking back at him, intensifying the questions behind his lips.

“You saw Levi today?” 

Eren only nods, doesn’t dare say anything, doesn’t trust his mouth to form the words without cracking. 

“Are you okay?” 

No...he’s not okay, though Armin knows that, there’s no point in lying. “I will be.” 

And it’s Armin’s turn to nod, letting the silence fall back between them as he searches for the right words, the right thing to say. But nothing he says can really help, nothing can really make it go away. Maybe it is for the best. Maybe he does deserve better. Maybe he’ll find someone that will treat him way better, someone ready for commitment. But that’s not what he wants to hear. He wants to hear that Levi will be back, that he’ll realize his mistake. He wants Levi, and that’s just it. Too bad that’s too much to ask.

"I'm sorry." Armin’s thin lips form apologies, and the words only sink into Eren’s gut, only make the heaviness of his chest that more apparent. “I feel partly responsible for how this turned out. If I hadn’t pushed you to tell Levi how you felt, maybe things would’ve turned out differently. I just, I never expected this outcome after seeing the way he looked at you...I didn't think you would end up with a br-”

“Don't.” Armin’s words pause in his throat, and tired blue eyes look up at him. Taking the blame, as always, taking the weight of the pain like he’s always done. “Don't apologize.” Eren doesn't want to hear it...any of it. Not the part where Armin saw the flattery in Levi’s face when he told the older man what Eren was saying about him, not the look in distant grey eyes when they fell on Eren, not the chemistry or the logic behind their relationship working, and especially not the part about his pathetic broken heart. “This isn't your fault.” It’s not Levi’s fault either. Eren is the only one to blame.

So he offers a reserved smile, a hushed thank you, a muffled goodnight buried in the heat of Armin’s shoulder, accepts a gentle hug with eyes closed tight. He holds himself together, only for now, only for a little while.

He holds himself together as he closes his bedroom door behind him, turning off the light, standing in near darkness. He pulls back the curtains, draws up the blinds, lets the little light from outside his window pour in, lets it draw a thick line over his carpet with the sliver of moon lifted high in the sky. Laying down at the end of the bed, his weighted body forms into the mattress, legs hanging from the edge, positioned perfectly to look up and gaze out the window onto the darkened sky. A little empty, a little lonely, his body aches for comfort, but does nothing to fix it, leaves himself uncovered, bare to the moonlight. 

But his heart isn't broken...no. It's not that he feels unlike himself...he's more like himself than he's felt in a while. His heart is full, heavy in his chest. It beats slowly against his lungs, relentlessly pounding, until all he hears is it throbbing in his ears, the sickening feeling of it flushing blood through his body. His heart isn't broken. He's only just begun growing, they've only just begun. It wasn't falling...that makes it sound like he's believed some sort of scheme, that he's gullible. He didn't fall for Levi, no. The realization crept into him inch by inch, like he began to feel Levi's presence, Levi's existence, Levi's reach piece by piece. 

It was uneven, unplanned, each incidental moment bringing the sensation to his attention, the memories so clear in his head. Fingertips...that's where it started, with the brush of a hand over some documents handed out in class, warm, accidental, alluring. Lips came next, cheeks scrunched in a smile, eyelids lifted, because it began as a way to get Levi to smile, to get him to reciprocate, but ended up as something else. Shoulders...that was the most intoxicating, the most obvious, the deliberate placement of his palm, fingers wrapping around the front of his shoulder, soft, gentle, so momentary, passing so quickly, but it was the first touch initiated by Levi. And it spread heavily across his back, drew lines down the sides of his spine, lit up the shivers in his neck, the tingling on his scalp. Hearing the words against his ears, the quiet questioning about his writing, it fired neurons in his head, brought ideas to his mind, awakened his hand, his whole arm alive with words, scrambling transfer them to the page. Then it was the shaking in the legs, the nervous tick hidden beneath the desk, out of sight, preoccupying his body, preoccupying his stare, the desire burning in his gut, the attraction sparked in his groin, inciting the bite of his lip. 

He had already felt Levi's embrace long before the smaller man wrapped his arms around Eren's neck, before he had held Eren close in the darkness of his bedroom, limbs entwined...he had already felt it when Levi offered a sly smile, a short movement that flexed in silvery grey irises, that caused little wrinkles in the sides of his eyes, barely visible beneath stray black bangs...he had already felt the warmth spread like arms around his chest, the weight creeping down from his collarbones, the beating of Levi's heart, heavy enough to feel against his own. He had already felt it filling up his heart, breathing life into him, awakening his whole body in the realization…

So no...his heart isn't broken. His whole fucking body is broken...frozen in time, paused, aching to move, to feel that liveliness again. Fractures run through steady bones, veins collapsed under the weight, gut tingling with emptiness, and his heart...his heart is weakened, throbbing gently in his chest, letting him know he’s still alive enough to feel that pressing emptiness suffocate him.

If he could just...write something that feels this way, write something that has people crippled, something that has them breathless, muscles clenched without even knowing, holding back a sob. If only he could capture it…write something that haunts them, that has them up at night, staring at the ceiling, wondering, wishing for more. Something that leaves an emptiness in the space where their heart should be, a tightness in their gut, a choked back set of tears, an inexplicable awareness pressed into their minds, an inescapable impression etched into their skin. Something that makes them question everything they know, every feeling they've felt, something that leaves them in the dark. Something that leaves their chest with a heavy sigh, a relieved breath, something that makes inspiration shake in their fingertips, makes want spread through their veins, and light seep from their pores.

If he could accomplish any of that...maybe he could even show Levi what it’s like to love him, what it’s like to know someone so deserving, so worthy of the touch sunlight, the freedom of happiness, the intensity of pleasure. If he could get it right...he could make Levi understand, give the ghostly fingers of his memories traction, the intoxicating shadows of touches against his skin a hold in reality...he could bring Levi to life under his fingertips, show what it is to have grey eyes haunt the ridges of his mind, what it is to have that pale touch endure in the blood that flows through his every vein.

If he had one more chance he’d tell Levi that.

That he could never blame Levi for withdrawing, could never blame him for turning away, because he could doesn’t need to touch again to remember feeling the pain pulsing beneath his fingertips. He doesn’t need to touch again to recall the hardened defense Levi put up, or the way it felt crumbling with every touch...or the weight of his own defenses, the way they started to chip away, the way they opened up to accept the older man. He doesn’t need to touch again to remember the hurt rooted inside Levi, the way it felt when they first touched by accident, when their lips finally met, when he vowed to make Levi feel good, if only for a little while. There is no forgetting when it comes to the way they fell into each other’s arms, the way they shuffled beneath the sheets coming down from their pleasure, accepting and giving gentle touches, kisses to the dewy skin. There is no forgetting the way Levi fit perfectly in the mold of his body, the dips and curves of muscle, the bend of knees, like they had been crafted for it. 

Like the pains inside them had grown together, twisted in unity, entangled and graceless.

Like the pleasures inside them had grown together too, hopelessly mingled between the vines, taking root in the same darkened, rich soil. Their hearts grow in the same light. 

Raveled and knotted and tangled,

Bonds unbroken despite the pain,

Undeterred despite the distance, the reluctance

Irrevocably changed.


	13. So Take From Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It should be crushing, suffocating his lungs, but he's grown a certain fondness for the darkness, the unexpected warmth that comes with the memory of black hair, smoky grey eyes, the hazy past that surrounds them. It's the closest thing he's got. This is the nearest he can get to Levi without breaking the distance between them, without shattering the only defenses Levi has left to protect himself from the need submerged just beneath the surface of his pale skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got this done early for Eren's birthday ;P

Weighty fingers of exhaustion press into him, creep across his skin, building accumulation in his limbs, securing Eren's motionless body in the plush cushions of the couch. He is slowly welcomed into the darkness of sleep, the heavy burden of dreams that will never be realized, thoughts that will never come to fruition. But it's better than fighting at the gravity any longer, better than struggling against the dense weight situated on his chest. Unable to bear the burden of his mistakes, his guilt, his falling eyelids, he lets the warmth of uncertainty surround him, because it's bound to undertake him no matter how much he strains against it. He's done all he can, tended to his responsibilities, all but the dragging feeling of lost sleep, of forgotten dreams. Those things ache at his fingertips now, here in the space between waking and sleep, dragging him under, deep into the darkened waters until the compressing weight comes to envelop his body, his heart, his mind in a shadow.

It should be crushing, suffocating his lungs, but he's grown a certain fondness for the darkness, the unexpected warmth that comes with the memory of black hair, smoky grey eyes, the hazy past that surrounds them. It's the closest thing he's got. This is the nearest he can get to Levi without breaking the distance between them, without shattering the only defenses Levi has left to protect himself from the need submerged just beneath the surface of his pale skin.

Need...if only Eren hadn't let his break the surface, if only he hadn't let it get the best of him, because his desires stare him in the face, creep from the corners of the darkness, take hold over him. It's an insatiable pain in the back of his throat, the pounding cravings that grow with each beat of his heart. It's a greed that can't be overcome, something that has told him at every turn to leave marks on the soft, white expanse of Levi's body, to claim him, to overcome him with lust, with love. It's a yearning, a passion that waned into loyalty, devotion...something that brought him strength with proximity, weakened him with distance. The need demands something from him, expects something from him, but he can't provide it...

So he offers himself to that crippling black water, lets himself sink deeper until it dampens him in sweat, until it seeps into his lungs, until he can't breathe, can't see. Encompassing him, he gives himself willingly to it, shrouded in the soothing dark as it wraps itself around him. It's so warm, so familiar, so near.

Until he wakes with a jolt, a jarring reaction to the quiet click of the front door, shock moving through his body as he gasps at the air in the apartment, grasps at the couch to pull himself up. The difference is so stark, so deafening, because in his dreams the pain of darkness comes forth like the touch of a lover, but here...here the pain is remembering the touch, the gentleness. Reality is watching the concern raise in the tilted dark eyebrows of his best friend, the wide-eyed blue, the bend of his lips curved into a frown, the quiet calm of the energy around him.

Leaving Eren, Armin's eyes eyes skirt the table beside the couch, focusing in as he wraps his fingers along the rim of Eren's coffee mug, filled and untouched. "Want me to warm this up for you?"

Brushing past him in the corner of his eye, Annie steps quietly around them, every movement marked with purpose, punctuated by the sharpness in her voice. "I've got it."

Standing over him, Armin watches as he places his feet firmly on the floor, slipping his arms into the opposite sleeves of his hoodie. "How are you feeling?" Armin's voice is so quiet, like he doesn't want to startle Eren further, like he doesn't want to be overheard.

Eren's head isn't quite clear of the hold of his dreams, his body is still numb with the weight of sleep. "I'm fine." No authority holds in his voice as his hands draw tingling lines up his forearms, the ridges of his fingerprints finding the uneven edges of the scars on his left arm. Rippled beneath his thumb, the skin that never quite returned to its original state throbs back at him as he glares into the individual strands of the carpeting. But Armin doesn't look away, doesn't hide the worry poised behind his eyes, doesn't even move until Eren meets his gaze. "Really, Armin. I'm fine."

Trailing down the slouch of Eren's shoulders, the bend in his elbows, lingering on the movement of Eren's fingers beneath the cloth of his sweatshirt, a sigh falls from Armin's lips, a quiet declaration for the truth invisible to his eyes. And Eren can feel the end of that gaze burning beneath his skin, doesn't have to hear the words to know, but it's been so long...so long since Armin last asked him to pull up his sleeves, to show the skin of his arms unbroken, unharmed. The action is so foreign now, so far from him in his head, but he tugs at the fabric, bares the soft skin of his arms without breaking eye contact with Armin.

The man Armin has grown to be still carries a soft spot for him, still takes the flesh of the inside of his cheek into his teeth, bites down on it in the silent anticipation. It's almost invisible to those who don't know him, a trick to prepare him for what comes next. It's the face he made when he scolded Eren going home with a stranger, the face he made when Eren argued with his sister or fought with classmates. The face he made when he stumbled into the bathroom that listless night in response to Eren's broken call, the frozen face, the wide eyes, taking in the droplets of red that fell to the beige tile, the streaked red reaching toward his hand, the new gash drawn across fading scars pressed tight beneath his fingers. But Armin didn't flinch, didn't panic, didn't swear, because Eren's widened eyes held enough shock for the both of them, the heaving in his chest moved enough air, the blood moved enough pain. It's always the same, he takes a moment, one deep breath, eyes looking through whatever is in front of him. And then he blinks, he takes a step forward, drives into action, because in that second, that long moment, he's run over each possibility, thought of every outcome, if he isn't sure of himself, he has options to fall back on.

Sharp in his mind, the memory runs across his skin, too dull to hurt as he watches long eyelashes pass over blue eyes, too dull as blue flits to the scars too distant to hurt him. Faded ones pointed in every direction, ones that weren't pressed in with enough intention, ones layered, cut deep, scarred wide and puffy.

But it doesn't hurt. Nothing hurts. “I’m fine.” The repetition falls heavy between them. "I haven't even thought about it." And the lie settles in to bring another sigh from Armin's lips. Above all else Armin needs to stop worrying, above all else he needs to keep his friend happy, so although it has crossed his mind, although it might feel good to feel anything at all, it's better to not entertain the thought. It's better to ignore that itch, to ignore the fact that he could at least feel something, ignore the thought of reconciliation, the hopes of returned feelings, because that pain is a little too addicting, the possibility of comfort in pain lying dormant in his heart.

Returning with his coffee, Annie sets the cup in Eren's outstretched palm, steam spilling over the edges of the green ceramic. The warmth hits him with the same force as her words. "Looks like you’re still sulking to me."  Sharp, the cut of her voice is so quick that he hardly notices until the hurt is already there. But he bears the weight of the mug, shifts it into both hands. "I don't understand what you see in him..." He bears the weight of her grating words on his ears, the way they fall onto his shoulders.

"No, I suppose you wouldn't..." Bearing that too, the burden of his feelings for Levi, he can feel the precise weight of his body begging for him to stand against the gravity, but he doesn't move. Nobody...nobody else has seen that side of Levi. Hardened exterior, glaring glances, the straight eyebrows and tight-lipped face, it hindered anyone in his way, dissuaded anyone with the gall to lay their eyes upon him. It really worked against everyone else...really deterred everyone else. But they didn't see it, the hurt perched deep behind distant grey eyes, flexing through silvery irises and seeping through heavy black. They didn't see it...the scars hidden beneath layers of clothing, the bruises healed up, whisked away, concealed by repaired sinew, by tight, pale skin. They never dared to get that close, and he'd never ask to get any closer. They never dared to touch, to pull back those layers of clothes, to dive into the warmth of his hands, his kiss, his love.

They'd never know the gentleness behind his fingertips...he is so gentle...isn't he? Memories seem to be slipping from his fingers, every minute between them, every bit of pain begging to be dropped from his hold...it all falls away slowly, and he'll forget everything Levi had to offer, although it feels like Levi was just here, just dreaming with him on the couch, holding him while he slept. No, no...Levi's voice is magnetic, words are a fire incited in Eren's chest. His touch is unforgettable, his hands, his lips, the weight of his body, the light behind his smile. Eren won't forget it...won't let it slip away.

It's better this way...isn't it? Better that only Eren can see it, better that only Eren can see how worthy that man is of happiness, of light, of love, because that way, nobody can take Levi away. If Eren had him...nobody would be able to take him away. It's a sick thought, but he can't keep himself from thinking it, can't keep himself from wanting that man to be his. If his friends only gave an effort...if they only saw a little bit of that heat buried beneath his icy demeanor, maybe it would've worked out. Voice shaking, he stares into the cup at the rich brown liquid that tremors with his voice. "You never even gave him a chance."

Looking up at Annie, he watches blonde bangs dust her face as she tilts her head to the side, watches tight, straight lips turn up into a wicked smirk, parting to a straight-toothed smile, a scoff. "Really?" And she laughs, actually laughs before coming back down into that trained, straight face, fitting back into her tied up emotions, her buttoned-up appearance. "Because from where I'm standing it looks like he's the one who never gave you a chance."

And Eren can only stare, can only lay deadened eyes upon her, can only make sure that it is actually Annie standing before him and not his twin sister, because it feels the same, being scolded for his feelings, being told to pull it together. It's that heavy-handed anger, those aggressive, pointed words aimed to hurt, that misplaced hatred, his home away from home. They dig deep, know exactly where to hit to hurt the most, to make him think this was all his fault from the beginning.  But he's always thought it was his fault, he's never been so disillusioned, so there's nothing more she can say. "He never cared about anything but getting you into bed."

That's not it. That was never it, but he just doesn't have the energy to argue, to stand up for himself, to save the nothingness left between him and Levi. If that were it, if this were only about sex, this would all be so much easier. It would've ended quick and easy with nothing more than that first night, nothing less than sweat and heartbeats and panting against each other.

This is so much more than that. It's so much more. This is...enough to have him completely stalled. This has his heart twisted and heavy and hoping for something to change. He's never fallen quite this hard, never been so determined to not let go, no matter how much holding on continues to burn him. "He's not as bad as you're making him out to be." Leaning back into the couch, taking a long sip of coffee, he lets the feeling warm him, lets the distance between himself and Annie hold him up.

Icy blue glares down at him, but doesn't soften as he relaxes into the couch. "You always do this-"

"Annie, please." Armin steps in to stop her, lays a gentle hand against her shoulder, but they both know it isn't going to stop, not yet. Eyes meeting, Armin pleads with her small frame, her calm nature. They look like they could be brother and sister, that's probably what drew Eren to talk to Annie in the first place, but she bickers like Mikasa, protects her friends like Eren...hides herself like Levi.

"No...I'm not this nice person who isn't going to say anything." Shaking off Armin's hand, she turns back, staring at the middle of Eren's chest as Armin leaves the room with a sigh, the memories of dozens of mediated fights between the Jaeger twins driving him from the argument.

"You give all of yourself even when you get nothing in return." Burning a hole in the center of his shirt, her eyes don't move, her voice doesn't grow any louder, but she still hides the hints of concern behind the guise of anger, but she knows nothing, she knows nothing that went on between them. "You give yourself away to people who aren't even worth your time." And those cold, blue eyes find him, reach his gaze, the intensity of her voice waning when she finds nothing but emptiness there. "And you look for the best in people to justify it." Defending him...she's defending him the only way she knows how, but she's only hurting him now, she's only saying Levi isn't worth his love...but she's wrong.

"I don't do that." He hardly even looks at anyone, hardly ever pursues anyone, because he's been hurt, he's been burned, and nobody has woken him up to it, nobody has made him feel this way. He had given up by the time he met Levi. He had given up, and Levi was just so...so different, so hidden from the people around him, barely holding back the hands of his past. "He's a lot like you, you know." There's something behind her eyes attempting to be blinked away, but she doesn't let her eyes fall. "Quiet, misunderstood...hurt by the people who were supposed to love him."

Sigh leaving her lips, she leans over, pushing her fingertips into the coffee table to steady herself. Crossing her legs and settling into the carpeting, she breathes in the space between them, all coarseness alleviated from her voice. "If he's anything like me, then you should've given up a long time ago." And his heart beats hard against his ribcage at the most sincere thing she's said all evening. "He isn't going to come around."

It reminds him of how heavy his chest is, how empty his mind is. "You came around..." That's not nothing. But what they don't say, what they don't mention is that the pain continues, that every day isn't somehow better just because she has Armin. Every day is still a struggle, still a fight within herself. And Eren knows that. He knows, but that changes nothing.

"And you saw how long that took." How long it took them to come together, how much meddling he had to do, how long he had to keep his mouth shut. How many days did it take? How many months? How many years? But he doesn't have years, his time is dwindling, and the space between him and Levi will grow until he can't even see the man who captured his heart through the thick, foggy distance. "Armin is so worried about you." She looks over her shoulder to find him, but he remains out of sight. "I hate to see you two this way." She only wants to look out for them to save them from further pain, the way she has since they all became friends.

"I don't want him to worry." Neither of them should worry. Anything that happens now is his own fault, anything that conspires now is due to his actions. They shouldn't worry, because it's pointless, it's a waste when all he's doing is worrying about Levi. Is he getting enough sleep? Is he eating? Is he alone? Burying his face in his hands, he brushes away the thought of Levi smiling at someone else, Levi alone, hurting himself. "It's not like I want to feel this way."

"Then what's step one to feeling better?"

That's right...there is no going back to the beginning, there is no starting new, no starting over. There is only moving forward, moving on. If he can't find a way to reach Levi, he has to move forward. But step one? Buzzing from his pocket, Eren's phone breaks his stare from Annie's form, crossed and small before him. Step one is getting up from this couch, dragging himself from the comfort of darkness. Step one is not breaking a promise.

_ Erd: You're still coming out tonight, right? _

Looking up from his phone, he finishes the coffee in his cup and stands, setting the mug on the table with a thud. And with a half forced smile holds his hand out to his friend. "Distraction."

Because his chest is hollow as he pulls a black crewneck over dark jeans, his heart is barely beating as he washes his face, his eyes are an unyielding green as he looks at himself in the mirror. He's not even there, he's being suffocated by his own body, snuffed out by his heart, he is empty, everything that matters has been carved away. He’ll do anything to relieve it, anything to break himself from the hold of his head, to rid himself of this vacant darkness. Following the ache in his body, he sits in silence in the back seat of Armin's car, listens to the blonde talk about his presentation tomorrow morning, gazes out the window into the passing lights against the dark horizon. He moves as they step into the crowded bar, taking in the smiling faces, the warmth of the bodies as they brush against him. Distraction...can this be a big enough distraction to leave the bare feeling in his chest behind? It's not the best idea, to drink until the void inside him is filled, but it's the best he can manage right now, it's the best he can do.

It’s better than the alternative, right?  Better than sitting in his dark bedroom, staring at the ceiling, wishing for some sort of inspiration to hit him.  If Jean were here, he'd babble something about finding a rebound, and even if Eren had done that kind of thing before...he just doesn’t have it in him to bare himself to a stranger, to fall into the arms of someone he doesn’t want.  Whittled away, his presence is hardly felt, even by himself, still, the first eyes he meets are dark blue, curved up with a bright smile that reaches through his entire face.  Cheeks flushed, Erd waves the three of them over to his table, soft blonde hair falling in his face as he pulls out the empty seat beside him.  The room is alive with laughter, blushing smiles, music, and Eren passes by all of it to fall beside his co worker, because even in the dim bar, even by the light of the televisions on the walls, Erd’s smile is warm, his energy is intoxicating.  

Two years, two years of working beside each other, hanging out in the corner of the bar watching the hockey game instead of socializing, and after next semester he’ll be gone, moving on to the graduate school of his choice.  "Congrats. You should be proud."  And Eren smiles, but he knows it doesn’t reach his eyes, he knows it isn’t convincing as Erd slides a wide mouthed glass over to him poured with a shot of amber liquid.  "What's this?"

Erd only smiles, holding up his own glass toward Eren, pulling him in, sparking something deep within his chest.  "I couldn't have done it without you."

Shaking his head, Eren draws his middle finger around the edge of the glass, pressing his fingertip into the rim.  "I didn't change a thing when you asked me to check over your portfolio."

"No, but you gave me the confidence to move forward."  Raised eyebrows beneath blonde bangs, he doesn’t move until Eren has picked up his glass and tapped it against the wall of Erd’s.  "Plus you need to catch up."

He wants nothing more than to catch up, because the warm liquid ignites a part of him that’s been dormant for weeks, sets fire to his stomach, and all he wants is more, to feel more, to feel like he was never empty in the first place.  “Come with me to the bar?”  Nodding, the two of them find a space standing at the bar for Eren to catch the attention of the bartender and order two doubles for himself, only egged on by Erd’s blushing face, his full smile.  

"I was trying to figure out why the writing center has felt so dull the last few weeks.”  His voice is low, sweet, so near to Eren’s ear that it almost gives him goosebumps as Erd looks down, watching him take both shots without hesitation.  “At first I thought it was just the end of the semester stress, but something else has been missing."  Leaning against the bar, elbow resting against the cool surface, Erd turns to him and tilts his head.  “Seeing you smile now, I realize it was you.”  He always does this, snaps Eren back to reality when he’s so stuck in his head, keeps him focused at work, keeps him laughing, and the realization hits him as the alcohol spreads warm fingers throughout his entire body...he’s smiling and he didn’t even know it.

Hours pass with the two of them standing at the bar, shifting on their feet, conversation moves between them backgrounded noise, focusing on Erd’s plans and pretending that Eren isn’t graduating in a few months with no plan at all.  They talk about students they’ve worked with, about writing, about nothing at all, and Levi still lurks in his head, in his heart, no matter how many laughs they exchange, no matter how many drinks he forces into his body.  He doesn’t need to be reminded of Levi, because the man is present in him, he is the cause of Eren’s emptiness, the one person bearing the ability to make him okay.  His heart is heavy, his mind is stuck, so he tries to drown out Levi with the warmth of whiskey, tries to shake him off with the sound of Erd’s voice, tries to forget about him for just a moment, just a second, that would be enough.

“Congratulations on getting into your program, Erd.  Sorry we didn’t get to talk, Eren stole you away.”  Armin and Annie bridge the small space between them, hugging the man.  Dizzy, his vision is clouded with bright blue as Armin turns to him with a subdued smile, heavy eyelids.  “Looks like you found your distraction, I hate to take that from you, but it’s already one.”  And his presentation is in just a few hours, he waited for Eren as long as he could.

But before Eren can step in to leave, before he can even comprehend going home to his empty bed, his lonely room, Erd’s voice gives them a moment of relief, just a little while longer.  “Gunter is my DD, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind dropping Eren off on the way home, it’s not far.”  And he smiles over their heads, wide and full.

Unmoved, Armin tilts his head at Eren, unsure of what to say, what to do, and Eren can feel it between them.  “You’re coming home right?”  Eren only nods in response, leaving the unasked question to fall away.  He’s coming home.  He’s not going home with Erd, despite the smile on his face, despite the relaxed warmth in his muscles, despite the momentary feeling of warmth and weight in his chest, because that’s not Eren.  It shakes Armin from his artificial calm, lets the breath fall from his chest as he wraps his arms around Eren, pulling him close before leaving.

Watching Armin as he makes his way around the table, as he talks with Gunter, no doubt securing Eren’s ride home, Erd lets out a little laugh before turning back to Eren’s relaxed form.  “He seems worried about you.”   


“He can’t help himself.”  Maybe he should be worried...maybe Eren should stop turning him away...because Eren orders another shot, because he’s already lost count, because there is nothing to stop his unruly thoughts, nothing to keep his impulses in check.  Because the alcohol hasn’t drown out his emptiness...hasn’t filled the void in his chest, it’s only made it a little more bearable, made it a little more manageable...a little more hungry.  So he lets his eyes wander, looks for a better distraction than the one present in his mind, the one with dark hair, light skin, the one with a deep timbre that turns flighty, airy with enough persistence, the one he’d give his all to...the one that isn’t his.

It's not like he hadn't noticed it before, the tight muscles of Erd's arms tucked beneath the sleeve of his sweatshirt, the broad reach of his shoulders, but he never really looked at it too closely, never really inspected further.  But now...his drunken eyes drift down from Erd's face, passing the dark blonde stubble at the edge of his chin, the old hockey scar breaking the smooth growth of hair, the sleek line of his jaw, his Adam's apple prominently sticking from his neck.  Thoughtless green follows the loop of his shirt across the bridge of his collar bones, around the tanned skin, stray blonde hairs laying gently against his neck, fallen from the little bun tied tightly against the back of his head.  He’s nothing like Levi...maybe the exact opposite...tall, wide, smiley, and right in front of him.

“Who takes care of you?”  Breaking Eren from his thoughts, drawing his eyes up from where they’ve fallen at the fold of Erd’s shirt on his hips, Erd’s voice is breathy, calm, smile perched on his lips. 

And Eren swallows, turns his body toward the bar, away from Erd, away from the wild energy in his chest, the monstrous heat behind his eyes, he can’t quite pin down the feeling, can’t quite rein in his intoxicated thoughts.  But he focuses on the question, turns his energy to that instead.  “I think all of my friends actually believe they’re my mom, so I’ve got plenty of people taking care of me.”

“That’s not what I mean.”  Of course it isn’t...it’s more complicated than that...because he can see Erd’s eyes in his peripherals, can see the way they skirt down his curved back, if only for a second.  “I think everyone who has worked with us in the past year has had a crush on you at one point.”

This...isn’t good.  This is enough to start the hot blush in his face, enough to shake in his fingertips.

“Eren Jaeger...always worrying about making everyone else happy, yet completely oblivious to the people who have feelings for you.”  Leaning his elbows on the bar, Erd slouches, talking with his eyes fixed on the empty glass in front of him.   "I figured someone must be taking good care of you for you to never bat an eye at anyone in front of you."  Taking care of him, meeting his needs, keeping him satisfied…giving him their heart?  No...he’s not deserving of anything like that.  “And you’re either taken or not looking, so I keep missing my chance.”  Not looking...not willing to give up on the person he wants most.  “Are you...seeing someone?”

The truth hurts too much to admit, the truth is too heavy to leave his tongue, too sharp to let pass through the dull energy of his body.  So he lies...to Erd, to himself, preserving the small chance that the fire in his heart won’t be completely drenched, won’t be snuffed out by the cruel darkness in his mind.  “On and off.”  Even that hurts, even that feels like too much, but he can’t take it back once it’s lifted from his lips.

Defeat almost breaking through his voice, Erd speaks again, barely audible over the music, over the ringing in Eren’s ears.  “And right now?”

“Off.”  Permanently.

But the pain is lost on Erd, lost on him because this could be a beginning for him...this could be so much more than the end of one relationship.  “Then I don’t feel bad saying this.  I’ve liked you for a long time, Eren.  I don’t want to leave for grad school without ever telling you.”  His mind is blank...completely erased of any thought as he turns his head to look at Erd, to look into deep blue.  What the fuck is happening?  “And if someone is stupid enough to let you go…they don’t deserve you.”  

But he’s got it wrong...it’s the other way around...he doesn’t deserve a single thing Levi has ever offered him.  He doesn’t deserve this attention right now.   He is so fucking selfish, so fucking rude, and the only thing he really deserves is the emptiness in his body, the way it feels throbbing in his gut.  Moving to speak, to deny, to say anything at all, nothing comes out.  No words move from him, because he’s nothing.  He’s drown out by indifference, by apathy, saved only by the voice of the bartender announcing last call and the movement of Gunter grasping his shoulder.

“You guys ready to go?”  

Moving like an admission didn’t just fall from his lips, Erd calls to close his tab with a smile on his face, takes the keys and promises to wait in the car while Gunter locates their other roommate, and Eren is close behind him.  Quiet, they slide into the back seat without a word, shivering against the leather as the car heats up.  Every cell is alive in Eren’s body, heightened and waiting for something stupid to come spilling from his lips, something impossible to move his body, but he only stares at the condensation forming on the glass growing and blocking his view of the outside.

The distance between them seems so far, though their knees are almost touching, the world seems so quiet, messed up, and his head is so unruly as Erd speaks, drawing the space with his words.  “I wish your ex could see you special you are.”  

“Me too.”  But all he really wants it for Levi to see how much he’s worth...how much he deserves...how much Eren can give him.  Heart pounding in his chest, sending shivers across his body, throbbing heat through his stomach, he turns his shoulders toward Erd, leans into the seat.  He moves without permission from his brain, moves without thought, eyeing the tall blonde beside him in the dim, green light shining from the screen of the radio.  

"Well if I can't take his place, the next best thing would be to steal a kiss from the best guy he's ever given up."  Blue eyes flit back and forth against Eren’s face, waiting for a reaction, an answer, but Eren is so dizzy, so fucking stunted that he can’t even tell himself to move, can’t even remind himself of the person he’s holding out for.  “I’d just really like to know what it feels like...to be at the end of all your attention, to kiss you.”  Fingers grace the side of his face, gentle, calm, cold as they draw the line of his jaw, curving around his left ear, up into his hair and back beneath his lips.  It's wrong...to accept his affections now is wrong...isn't it?  But it's like he knows it, like he wants to be used by Eren, like he doesn't mind as long as it makes Eren happy.  As long as he can make Eren smile… The familiarity of it all sends shivers crawling up his back, draws lines up his spine into his hairline.  He was willing to be used by Levi, to be a distraction, and now here he is, reveling in the shivers Erd’s cold hands draw against his skin...  “And for you to know what it’s like to kiss someone that really wants you.”  But who is taking advantage of who?  Who is the damaged one here?  

And what if...what if he really does want Eren?  Would the kiss feel different coming from him?  Or would it be the same as Levi’s thin, pink lips?  Would it be wrong to find out?

Their lips brush as Erd speaks, but the distance is still there, merely a breath between them, eyes half-lidded, thoughts muddled, inhibitions cracked and broken.  And Eren leans in, presses his lips against Erd’s for a quiet second, just long enough to feel his heart stopping in his chest.  What the fuck is he doing?  But their lips are still close...Erd’s hand slips into Eren’s hair, pulls him back in, parts Eren’s lips, dances against his tongue, lazily letting go to watch Eren sink into the seat.  

Drawing his pants into his fist, his lip into his teeth, Erd holds himself back with little effort. “Go on a date with me Saturday.”

Haggard breaths ache from his chest, deflection is better than an answer, leaving his decisions for his sober self.  “Ask me again tomorrow.”  Responding with a smile, Erd jumps a little when the car doors open, and Eren settles into the seat as time lurches forward and the weight of his failures pinches deep in the flesh of his shoulder.

He could say that he's done everything in his power, he's given his all,  but it's still a lie...what about his obligations to himself, what about not giving up?  He’s so worked up...because Erd’s kiss...it was gentle, as expected.  Warm, thick lips, soft and slow.  It’s different than Levi’s...like Erd’s lips move with uncertainty...and Levi?  

How did Levi’s kiss feel?  

Eren’s stomach drops.  Is it really that one mistake marks the erasure of everything they’ve done?  He presses his fingers to his lips, staring out the window with water forming in the corners of his eyes.  What the fuck has he done?

It’s not if he goes one more night without sex...it’s if he goes one more night without Levi, one more night without feeling him come alive with his touch...but it’s not only sex.  He wants connection.  He wants to drown in the scent of Levi’s laundry detergent, to be laid to rest between the sheets of his bed, to find his grave in perfectly tucked corners and fabric softener and Levi’s shampoo, to be buried in Levi’s arms.  Nobody else will do.  Nobody else can satisfy him, body and mind, the way Levi can, relationship or not.  So maybe he could kiss Erd until there’s no difference, maybe he could be someone else tonight, take advantage, but he won’t.

“Eren, which way?”

Left and he’ll go to bed alone.  Left and he’ll allow the weight of that kiss overwrite him, let it sink into his lips, let it forcefully tear him away from his memories, let the ghost of Levi’s lips be wiped away.  Left and he’ll accept that date tomorrow with resentment in his head, move on with guilt in what’s left of his heart...that’s what he should be doing, right?  But Levi’s place is the opposite direction, Levi...he isn’t ready to leave the feeling of loving that man behind just yet.  He isn’t ready…  “Right at the light.”

Mistakes...mistakes rule him tonight as he steps out of the car, thanks them for the ride, waves from the sidewalk as they drive away.  Looking into the night sky, peppered with stars, feeling the globe of the earth curving above him.  It's centering, like he's a part of something so much bigger than himself, but he's so small here...he’s so insignificant, so one more fault, one more misstep, it won’t matter.  Mistakes are all he has left as he walks up to the door, breathing the icy, cold air into his lungs.  It’s sobering, the cold, the dim, orange light shining down on him, the list of names...names that don’t matter, names that mean nothing, except one.   _ 2B - Ackerman _ .  The name that makes his heart thud heavily against his ribcage, makes him feel like he’s going to be sick...but mistakes are all he has.  He can make one more tonight, one more that he’ll never forget.  One last shot at this feeling that he can’t shake, one last attempt to get Levi to understand, and this time, he’ll make sure to remember every second of it.

If only he could just get back to that...the beginning, the feeling of the rain on his face, the late summer storms that served as a background of their meeting. If only he could just get back to that, this would all be worth it.  So he bites his lip, runs his finger across Levi’s name, presses into the button for a long second, once, twice, and lets his hand fall heavily to his side as a long silence fills his ears, his chest, his heart.

“ _ You are aware that it’s 2:30 in the morning, right  _ ?”  Tiredness apparent in his voice, irritated, soft through the intercom speaker, crashing into Eren, washing over him, the impact wavers the stability of his body where he stands on the cement.

And Eren didn’t think this through...didn’t plan what he’d say, didn’t think any further than the front door, any more than his goal of seizing Levi’s lips one last time.  Pressing the talk button, he forces the shakiness out of his voice.  “You are aware that I know you don’t sleep, right?”

“ _ Eren  _ ?”

“Let me in...it’s cold.”  Starting off with demands is unwise, but the door immediately clicks open, and he wastes no time pulling it open and stepping inside the warmth of the building with a heavy shiver grabbing hold of his body.  He knows it by heart now, the climb up the stairs, the short steps down the hall, the perfectly clean welcome mat, the tilt in Levi’s head as he stands at the open door.  “Can I come in?” There is no hesitation in Levi’s movement, only a bit of confusion as he moves aside, the visible vein in his neck throbbing, the audible swallow as Eren passes through the threshold.  

Scanning the apartment, Eren breathes out a sigh.  No strange shoes, no unidentifiable jackets or bags...nobody has been here.  Now what?  What is he supposed to say?  Slipping off his shoes, he steps onto the carpet with his jacket still zipped tight around him, hands stuffed in the pockets as he turns to Levi.  And a mistake is a mistake.  How can he tell Levi what’s going on, how can he get what he needs without hurting the person he’d do anything to keep safe?

Trying not to find comfort in the soft look of Levi’s pajamas, the warmth of his apartment, the worry raised in his eyebrows, the widened grey of his eyes, Eren lets his gaze fall to Levi’s socked feet.  This...is harder than he imagined.  Letting out a short laugh, his breath falls into a sigh before he speaks.  Which part of the truth will hurt the least?  “I’m sorry.  I promise this will never happen again.”  Choked in his throat, the words won’t come out, his organs feel heavy, weighing into the pit of his stomach, that part might hurt the most.  He’ll never be back here, never get to see the soft light of Levi’s living room, never see the man who lives here swaying gently on the carpet.  “I just…”  Fuck...this is hard.  When he speaks again, he averts his eyes to the table, the glass sitting there, bottom covered with clear liquid, he looks at the slouch of Levi’s shoulders beneath the black fabric, looks at his hands.  “I was out drinking with friends...my coworker kissed me…”  

And their eyes meet, eyebrows low over his eyes, creased wrinkles beneath his lids, steady and vacant with the impact of Eren’s words.  “I didn’t want to go home with him so I had him bring me here.”  He is unmoving, except his bottom lip moves, his mouth opens a little before it’s pulled tight and straight...and Eren?  Eren is sinking with every word that falls from his own damn mouth, Eren is breaking knowing that these words move from the lips that he pressed against Erd’s...he is severing the last chance he forced between them, watching the emptiness spread from him to Levi as his eyes fall back to the floor.  “If I can just sleep on your couch...it'll be the last time.  I won't bother you again.”

Backed down, backed off, he takes a step back, poised to leave, to accept pain, anger, anything to come out of Levi's mouth. After all, he deserves it, deserves to be thrown out after showing his face, after coming here on a selfish mission to steal Levi’s lips without even considering the older man’s feelings.  At least the feeling of emptiness has been filled...guilt is better than nothingness. 

But Levi moves around him, moving into his vision, keeping his distance, reaching across the space for the zipper of Eren's jacket.  “You're not a bother.”  Grasping the zipper, tugging it slowly, Eren can see the shaking in his pale fingertips, can smell the alcohol on his breath, can feel the unease in the space between them. What did he say?  “You have class early, don’t you?” 

“At eight, so I’ll be out of your way before you even get up.”  And Levi backs away, watching as Eren slides the coat from his shoulders, reaching a hand toward it, relieving him of its weight and hanging it beside the things on the rack.

“You should at least try to get a few decent hours...sleep in the bed, I’ll stay on the couch.”  

But Eren could never do that...he's already taken advantage of Levi's kindness, already exploited his feelings.  He's come too far again and again, and it's time to back down. “No, I’ll be fine out here.”  It’s best to keep the distance...despite how badly he wanted that to be untrue.  It’s best.  Levi...he’s moving on, leaving everything there was between them with the rest of his painful past.  He’s leaving Eren behind.  

Blinking away something warm from behind lively grey, Levi nods and moves down the hallway.  The linen closet door clicks shut and the older man returns with a folded blanket and pillow tucked against his chest, and he comes closer, holding his arms out for Eren.  Swallowing hard, not letting his emotions get the best of him, he slips his arms beneath the blanket, feeling the textured grey, the soft, cool material, and the brush of Levi’s skin, the warmth that radiates from it, the smoothness of his arms, the way his eyes jolt up to meet Eren’s.  But he pulls away, takes the pillow and blanket from Levi’s grasp with a tired smile.  This is really it, isn’t it?  If he can’t do anything...this is over.

He’s thought that so many times...but they still end up this close, they still end up entwined, still end up leaning on one another, looking for support.

But he won’t be so selfish this time.  Levi has no intentions of fixing this, no intentions of accepting Eren’s love...he can’t do it.  Levi has put his efforts into forgetting the way they touched, the way they talked, the way they fit together.  So Eren stands, unmoving, unreachable, watches Levi back away, watches the bit of a future they had together shatter, but neither of them blink, neither of them breathe as it falls away.  But he won’t forget...he won’t forget the soft swish of Levi’s gait, the way his skin looks so pale against the jet black of his shirt, wide around his neck, revealing his collarbones.  He won’t forget the way the sleeves fall around Levi’s wrists, or the way those arms sit at his sides, he won’t forget Levi’s small frame, or the way his hair moves as he turns away.  He won’t forget the way Levi begins to disappear into the darkness of the hallway, the way he places a hand on the corner of the wall, turning to look over his shoulder.  Fuck.  He won’t forget the dizziness in his body as Levi lifts his soft, pink lips into an impossible smile, the way that voice echoes through his head, now and forever.  “Goodnight, Eren.”  

He will not forget.  He can’t afford to lose any more of this man.  This...after all this time, he still has nothing he could ever say...nothing that could make Levi understand.  Because how could they ever get from here...to a place where they are close, inseparable?  How can he say it...that he came here, he came here because he forgot what it’s like to feel Levi’s kiss?  He came here because he thought he knew what he’d say...he came here to stare at the white ceilings of Levi’s apartment, to sink into the grey leather of the couch, to marvel at the spotless glass table, the dust free paintings of clouds poised over a landscape, the bookshelves filled with colored spines, embossed covers.  He came here to sift through the crisp whites, the stark blacks, the dull greys, to try and figure out why all of that, the lack of photographs, the way it looks like it’s not even lived in, why...why does it feel like home?  Despite the ache in his chest, regardless of the distance between him and Levi...it feels like home.

Would anything change if he told Levi that?

If he told Levi that he came here to try to show Levi what he’s worth...would he listen?  Would he accept his kiss, his touch...his heart?  

He came here to change the opposite paths they’re headed, to keep their future from crumbling completely...and he stands to leave for the same reason.  Levi is moving on, and Eren is moving for his jacket, leaving the folded blanket on the edge of the couch, he’s reaching for the cushioned fabric, brushing against the thick wool of Levi’s coat.  Pounding in his ribcage, his heart crashes against him, breath shuddering from his chest, he runs his fingers along the sleeve, grips it into his palm.  Rewriting his wrongs...fixing his mistakes...how could he think coming here would do any of that?  The very least he can do now is this...take a deep breath, let his hands slide down the heavy black material, and let go.  But his fingers catch in looped yarn, tangle in the frayed ends of the knit scarf sticking from Levi’s pocket.  And it's deep red, handmade, worn.  It’s a piece of himself that got left behind in the classroom only a day ago, a piece of him that Levi picked up, brought home, a piece of him that Levi holds onto…

Red...the heat that moves like rivers through his veins, the warmth of blush in his cheeks, the  embarrassment of giving up.  Levi feels so close...dormant in his body, sleeping and aching and waking, wanting to get out, wanting to point Eren in the right direction. 

Overwhelming...the shiver that traces up his spine just at the thought, draws lines like fingers up the sides of his neck, flowing heat down his shoulders, raising goosebumps on his skin.  Weightless, thoughtless, he moves his body down the hall, passes the closed door to the bathroom, the quiet hush of the sink running, quietly enters Levi’s room.  This doesn’t feel real, so he’s grasping at the only thing he’s got, reaching one more time toward the man he can’t shake from his thoughts, can’t pull from his veins.  The lamp pours dim light across the room, stretches across the dark bedspread, illuminating the book on the nightstand, drawing warmth over the corner of the sheets turned down with the comforter.  Levi’s spot...the pillow propped up against the headboard, the highlighter stuffed as a bookmark between the pages of his book...it looks so inviting, so enticing.  

And his body is driven by heat, moved by the fire in his chest, stoked by alcohol, by anticipation, by a hunger he hadn’t even noticed until now...a need to reach Levi, to reduce the space between them, to press at it until it breaks, until there is no turning back.  

Words can wait.

Because they’d be too messy falling from his mouth...they wouldn’t be right.  So he’ll wait...he’ll wait until the morning, until his body is exhausted, his brain is rested, until he’s done everything he can.  He moves on impulse, on action, on emotion, because that’s what Levi does...because that’s what Levi can accept.  Fractured, fragmented, he’s grown to know that words...words don’t mean shit.  Words can fall from a liar’s mouth without so much as a second’s hesitation, love can be declared, can be taken advantage of, can be taken away...it’s the only time that words have failed him.  They both know it, both know the sharp edge of the things people have said, but approaching Levi like this, his intentions are known.  

Words aren’t so easily accepted.

But Levi can feel this...right?  The heat of his touch, the gentleness of his kiss, the adoration coursing through his body, it will be understood by someone driven on instinct, someone so closed off, someone so deserving, it’s all he can hope.  So he quickly sheds his jeans onto the floor, dropping his sweatshirt over them and slipping beneath the covers in just his underwear, his tshirt.  Spreading out between the sheets, a chill settles over his body, the cool air brushing at his abdomen where his shirt has lifted up, and it anchors him here as he waits.  

Unable to stop the panting in his chest, he bites his lip, closes his eyes to the quiet room as the bathroom door opens, as the soft pad of Levi’s footsteps near, as the gravelly, sweet voice reaches his ears.  "You're in my bed."  

It’s so near...forcing Eren to draw his heavy eyelids open, to take in the vision that has appeared before him.  Leaning over him, palm pressed into the bed beside him, Levi looks down at him, black bangs fallen in his face, suppressed heat in his eyes.  "The couch is too cold."

"I'll sleep out there then."  Jaw clenched, he pushes against the bed to gain steadiness on his feet, trying to blink away that energy hidden behind flexing grey, but it doesn’t move, it flexes, grows, widening with dilated pupils as Eren grabs his wrist before he can slip away.

"Stay."  It’s only one word, but it chokes in his throat, it weighs him down as he releases Levi’s arm, pleads with the quiet ferocity staring back at him.  "Warm me up."  But he isn't cold, his body is on fire, heat prickles against the back of his neck, draws down his shoulders, aches from him with the soft panting falling from his lips, and they both know it.

They both know it...yet Levi stays by his side, slips his right knee onto the mattress, the movement awake against Eren’s hip, but he gets no closer.  Grey flits between Eren’s eyes, falling to the lip he has pulled into his teeth, watching carefully as Eren squirms under his gaze.  "This is a bad idea." 

"I know."  But that doesn’t matter now. He’s too far gone to care about that now...too carried away, and he can feel his grip on his control loosening.  He’s already hard...already two steps ahead, already tripping over himself, so he slips his arms beneath the comforter, away from Levi’s knowing gaze to release his cock from his boxers with a heavy breath.

With a heavy swallow, Levi breathes between them, he feels so close, but he hasn’t moved in, hasn’t even touched Eren.  "You're drunk." 

His voice is enough to send shivers across Eren’s body, to make a quiet groan slip from his lips.  "I know."  And he watches Levi’s eyes drift to the movement beneath the sheets, the slow stroking of his cock that’s enough to set Levi off.

"I'm drunk."  And the heavy panting resumes in Levi’s chest, marked by the movement of his shoulders, his mouth fallen open slightly.  

“I know.”  So he draws his right hand up dragging fingertips up his own chest, grabbing the collar of his shirt, pulling it tight.  All he wants is Levi to touch him...for that man to feel the need radiating from his skin, the desire poised on his tongue.  “It's just sex, Levi...it means nothing between us, we both know that…”  

Neither of them say anything, neither of them want to tip the balance.  He wouldn't be here if it meant nothing.  They both know that.  If it meant nothing he could've taken Erd home.  If it meant nothing his heart wouldn't be beating out of his chest.  Levi’s expression doesn’t change, just the flushed skin, the tipped eyebrows, the hanging jaw, so Eren lets his hand wander, lets it crawl up Levi’s leg.  Slowly, alluring, he slides his fingertips against the soft fabric of his pajamas, thin, warm, he can see the heaving in Levi’s chest as he moves his hand closer, ready to move over his awakened cock.

“Wait.”  Breathy, Levi’s voice drags him back to reality, back to his face, and Eren pulls his hand away.  

And it’s so dizzying, the lines those enticing grey eyes draw over him, paint the collar of his shirt, the edge of his jaw.  He never wants to forget the way Levi looks at him, the way they take in every detail, every mistake he’s about to make.  Hitching in his throat, his breath is bated as Levi’s fingers grace the left side of his face, as they lace into his hair, thumb moving against his jaw, turning his head.  And that thumb brushes against his lips, making him breathe heavily against it, because Levi...he moves in to replace it with his lips.  Tender, long, their lips crash together, and Eren defaults to Levi, letting him set the pace, letting him pull his lips away, letting him stare into him through heavy-lidded eyes.  The second time their lips part, Levi dives in, no hesitation, no holding back, and their warm breaths dance across their faces.  His hand, his lips, his tongue, they’re so hot...so fucking intoxicating...and he doesn’t stop, doesn’t slow for a long moment, possessive and ceaseless and breathtaking. 

Pulling away with a heavy sigh, Levi drags his thumb against Eren’s lips again, moving against the soft wetness, and Eren swipes his tongue against it, drawing it into his mouth, still working his cock beneath the heavy covers.  Fuck...the look in Levi’s eyes, the intensity behind his kiss...how could he forget that?  There are no similarities...no likenesses, because Erd can’t compare to this...that’s the difference between idleness and intention.  Levi moves with a goal to please, a motive of heat...his touch so hot that it threatens to burn Eren up, and he wants more of it.

Pink, soft, Levi’s lips are still so close, but they’re out of reach, and Eren doesn’t budge against the hold as those lips move to speak again.  “You're a shitty liar.”

“I know.”  He is...this could never mean nothing...not with a kiss like that, not with the insatiable fire behind Levi’s eyes...fuck...this means everything right now as Levi holds his bottom lip open, looks down into him.  “I only want you...and I think you only want me...that’s not nothing.”  

When Levi draws his hand away, Eren can hardly breathe, can hardly stop himself from dragging Levi on top of him, but he waits, he focuses on the heat of Levi’s gaze, the want beating endlessly in his chest, the gravelly voice that demands he hold on.  “Let me see you.”  Without hesitation, Eren pushes off the covers, dragging the shirt up into a pile of folds on his chest, pushing down his boxers further, letting his cock lay hard against his abdomen.  “Don’t stop.”  Levi looks so calm staring down at him...waiting for him to resume touching himself.  How can he be so composed?  How is he not panicking?  Eren wants to strip him of his clothes, his composure, to force ragged breaths from his chest, to break that voice.  He'll do anything to accomplish it, anything he wants, so he continues touching himself, wrapping fingers around it, refusing to break eye contact with Levi despite the needy look on his face, the desperate tone in the groans that ache from his chest.

This is...unbelievably hot, so he makes sure to keep a grip on his sanity, keep his strokes slow, because this can’t end so soon, this needs to last hours, needs to last until morning.  Levi slips from the bed, dropping his pajamas to the floor as Eren quickly discards the rest of his clothes, crawling into the bed between Eren’s knees, watching his every move, keeping control of his every breath.

Frigidity...the knowledge of it is what drives Eren to push forward.  Levi knows himself to be cold, broken, the giver of pain.  Because his past has him frozen over, a shadow of what he dreamed of being.  It has him at a stand still, because maybe moving forward with this will only make things worse, maybe allowing Eren into his apartment, into his bed, into his arms tonight, maybe that's the worst thing he could've done, maybe he should've sent Eren away, but Eren begs for it.

But it just can’t be true, because Eren’s heart is on fire inside his chest as Levi climbs into the bed, his skin is sparking with sweat as Levi’s eyes line his every move, not drawing away.  It can’t be true because the back of Eren’s neck tingles and burns as Levi bends his knees, his lip is white hot with the pain of his teeth digging in as Levi settles between his legs...weary, wary.  Does he even see?  It can’t be true because his eyes draw searing lines from Eren’s face, move down his heaving chest, filling with unhinged desire as they land on Eren’s hand wrapped around his cock, throbbing at the attention.  

He is everything…

And he doesn’t even know it.

“I’m gonna touch you.”

“Please…”  Eren’s voice is dangerous...daring to break as Levi moves in.

Because Levi’s touch carries the heat of the late summer sun, fingers splaying out against Eren’s abdomen like the bright rays over his sin.  Levi’s soft panting moves over him like the heavy breeze of impending Autumn reminiscent of when they met.  The moans that ache from his pale chest like the quiet hum of passing traffic, the sweet melody of songbirds.

He is being.  He flows through the motions, pulls back his hands and discards his shirt with the soft swish of falling leaves as they got closer, as they got to know one another.  He is the promise of warmth when the sky falls to grey, when the air aches into cold, and the clouds drop snow from their gentle grasp.

He is a guide in the darkness, a silent spectre as the world fades gently into night, giving way in the blackness, the shadow, to bring depth to the twinkling stars.

Freeing his own cock, Levi lets out a sigh, bites his lip between his teeth.  His hands are so warm against Eren's cold skin, sliding up his thighs, setting fire to his entire body...he didn't even notice that he was cold, he didn’t even notice how much he needed this until Levi graced him with it.  “Let me.”  And his hand slips around Eren’s cock, taking over the short strokes, replacing them with long ones, touching himself with the other hand.

“Fuck…”  The visual is enough to have Eren giving in, but he holds back, watches Levi take their pleasure into his hands, stroking them with the same movements, the same speed.  

“Do you want it fast or slow?”  

Digging his teeth into his lip, he tries to forget the need laced into Levi’s words, tries to hold himself back.  “Slow.”  But it’s hard to do, watching that man arch his back when a shiver runs down his spine, watching him close his eyes, tilt his head down, watching his black hairs fall messily into his face, watching him focus on the movements.

“Ahh...I’m gonna cum.”  Broken, needy, his voice crashes against Eren’s ears…meeting his eyes with a determined look, eyebrows low, lips hanging open around almost inaudible moans.

He’s already so worked up, so far gone, he can tell by the request that falls from his lips, but he doesn’t care, as long as Levi doesn’t pull away, as long as he doesn’t take his touch away.  “Cum on me.”

And Levi’s intoxication is apparent too, not from the alcohol, but the heat, the lust radiating between them, the unprecedented desire, the unmatched want.  So he does as Eren says, pulling Eren closer and closer to the edge, he watches Levi’s strokes speed up, watches him focus on himself for a moment, watches hot threads of white spread across his other hand, across Eren’s cock.  “Nnngh Eren…” 

And he doesn’t miss a beat, doesn’t hesitate, just wraps both his hands around Eren’s cock, rubbing the slick, sticky cum over him, taking him over.  Clasping his hand over his mouth, Eren watches as Levi bends over him, drawing his cock into his mouth, hot, wet, drooling and moving and moaning over him.  “Fuck...Levi…”  He can’t keep his mouth from dropping heavy groans, can’t keep his desire hidden, because Levi...he’s sucking and stroking and begging him to cum without even saying it.  “Levi...I’m gonna-”  And Levi doesn’t stop, he sucks pressure against his head, tongue flitting against his slit, moving his hands until Eren gives in, until he can’t take any more, letting Eren spill into the warmth of his mouth.  He moves until Eren is spent, until he’s out of breath, swallowing every drop and pulling away with a sly smile on his face.

“Shit, Levi.”  Covering his face with both hands, heavy breaths move from his chest, heat creeps into his cheeks as Levi lets his knees fall back down to the mattress.  And Levi...he crawls over Eren, hovering over his recovering body, his moving chest, pulling Eren’s hands from his face.

“I hope that wasn’t enough to satisfy you…”  Awake, alive with energy, Levi’s eyes flex as they stare down into him.  Moving in, he places a tentative kiss against Eren’s lips, then another, and another, parting them, delving his tongue deep into his mouth, pulling away with heaving breaths.  “I need more…”  

More...that’s all Eren needs to hear, all he needs, because he wraps his arms around Levi, turns them, pins Levi to the bed, glaring down into Levi’s challenging smile.  “Do you have any idea what you're doing to me?”

And Levi nods...bites his lip and fucking nods, squirming against Eren’s hold, daring him with everything he’s got.  Patience waning, Eren slides his hands down Levi’s thighs, hooking his hands behind those pale knees and bending them in, pressing them to Levi’s chest.  The want, the desire, the fucking need that moves through both of them...it’s so apparent...it’s only magnified as the alcohol courses through his veins, numbs his inhibitions.  Every piece, every inch of Levi is perfect, he is...perfect and he wants to worship that pale skin, those healed scars, that fragile heart, he wants to grace every bit of him with pleasure, until Levi feels the heat moving through him, until colors blur his vision.  So he pushes further, bends Levi into himself, demands he hold his legs, slides long fingers along the black fabric over Levi's ass...soft and silky under his fingertips and he wants it off...as soon as possible.  So he pulls at the waistband of Levi’s underwear with resistance, just enough to reveal the entirety of his plump ass, his tight hole.  

And Eren wants to pamper him, to give Levi everything he wants with no hesitation...but he wants Levi frustrated, he wants Levi begging, mewling, panting.  Needy fingers run over pale skin, palm sliding over the plush flesh, squeezing it gently, lightly, but he can feel the energy behind his eyes, can feel the unstoppable heat as he looks down at Levi.  Levi…he's watching through half-lidded eyes, waiting, losing his patience, letting go of control.  “Don't tease me.”

But he has to, he has to hold on a little longer, or he'll lose grip of himself.  So he leans in, lines kisses across Levi's skin starting at his left thigh, trailing down, leaving wet spots and little red bite marks and scrapes.  Moving to the other side, trailing his thumb up and pressing it lightly against his hole, taking in the scent of Levi's skin, the fresh soap mixing with the alcohol seeping from his pores, the sweat, the soft shudder of Levi's body.  “Anything you want...just please…”  His voice is so airy punctuated by a short groan, marking his request with demand, Eren won't refuse now, won't evade.

Watching, eyes meeting Levi's, Eren draws his tongue against Levi's hole, drenching him in saliva, licking circles around the rim, pressing in.  And Levi is unable to maintain eye contact, hot blush filling his face as he closes his eyes, lets his head fall back, and Eren continues on, pressing against him, licking and diving in with only one thought in his mind.  Make Levi feel good, drench him in sweat, drown him in pleasure, let the heat of his touch wash over the older man.  “Eren...ahhh-”  Hands slipping from where he is holding his legs in place, Levi grabs Eren's hands, pulls him closer, grasping around him.  “I need you…”

He understands that all too well...it’s so fucking overwhelming, the shiver that runs across his body as he pulls away, as he looks down at Levi, dragging the older man to the edge of the bed.  And everything is as he left it...the drawer untouched from when he was last here, messy and cluttered in disarray...everything is as he left it, and Levi is watching him, waiting with legs hanging from the side of the bed, breathing heavily with impatience on his lips.  He is weak...weightless, barely able to focus, so he moves quickly, pumping lube over his cock, moving for Levi with the excess on his fingers.  It’s been so long...so long since he’s heard the sigh that seeps from Levi’s lips, so long since he’s been this close, this near, and even the way Levi moans around his fingers, the way he reacts to every movement, it’s got Eren so worked up...so out of control, cock throbbing in anticipation.  

His head is already such a mess, he’s not used to being this out of control...but none of that matters right now.  All that matters is this...the inky black of Levi’s hair splayed against the white sheets, the flushed pink of pale skin, the bitten red of his swollen lips, the movement of his chest around his heavy breaths, the arousal apparent across his entire body, and his eyes...those unimaginable, flexing greys, they’re looking back at Eren, waiting for him.  

It’s only the two of them moving to the background of a sharp intake of breath as Eren pushes into Levi, moving slowly, barely maintaining his composure.  It’s the two of them with Levi’s legs wrapped tightly around Eren’s waist, pulling him closer, burying him completely inside the older man’s shivering body.  It’s the two of them and a long second, a long pause before Levi loosens his grip, before Eren begins to move, gently, deliberately, watching Levi’s face for cues.  It’s the two of them...it’s Eren’s body moving in the loop of Levi’s legs, it’s Eren’s fingertips starting at Levi’s knees, drawing lines up his thighs with blunt fingernails, it’s one word that slips from Levi’s lips, tipping the balance.  “Harder.”  It’s the bruises that will be left on Levi’s thighs by Eren’s fingers as they wrap around the pale flesh, tugging him in with a rough thrust forward.  

It’s the low grunts that seep from Levi’s chest with each move forward, the heat staring up at him…and all he wants to do is capture that heat, to make it his, to lay claim to it now and forever...and that fact is too intoxicating...too electrifying.  Bending his back, planting his palms on either side of Levi’s waist, he moves a little harder, a little faster, working into a rhythm, an unstoppable pace, only a foot of space between his mouth and Levi’s.  

Each time...each and every time Levi touches him, it’s unexpected, the gentle nature of Levi's fingertips, the soft energy of his palms, the pleasant heat as those hands wrap themselves around Eren’s elbows, searching for purchase in the movement.  And Eren doesn’t stop, doesn’t falter, just tips his head back as Levi’s hands trace up his arms, up his shoulders, the heat...if he touches too long, Eren might melt, might burn up completely, but he doesn’t care, he’ll gladly take it.  Because Levi tugs him down by the shoulders, pulls Eren in, draws his fingers into the sweaty hair at his neck, and Eren watches as Levi wets his lips for the impending kiss, watches as he waits, remembers the way every inch of him moves as their lips meet.  

The simple friction of their lips, the slick wetness of their tongues, the grating of their hips…fuck… it’s way too good, way too much.  Nobody has ever made him feel this good before… and nobody ever will again, so he moves a hand to the side of Levi’s head, drawing fingers into his hair, brushing against his ear, moving closer, diving deeper.  Until Levi’s breathing becomes erratic, until Eren pulls his lips away to hear the moans echoing off the walls.  

“Nnngh...Eren!”  The perfect tilt of Levi’s hips, the perfect thrust, he aims to do it again, pushing Levi to the center of the bed, slipping his arm beneath his lower back, tipping him up.  “There...right there.”  And Levi’s back arches, his fingers wrap tightly around Eren’s biceps, fingernails digging in.  Unable to look away, unable to stop himself, Levi lets the breaths heave from his chest, lets his broken voice ache from him with every movement...heavy, low, Eren’s name moves through his lips in whispers, in grunts and moans, punctuated by breaths that choke him.  

“Levi…”  The very sight of it, the sound of it all, it’s enough to push him over the edge, and his own voice is more gravelly than expected, more guttural as he thrusts into Levi, wrapping his hand around the older man’s cock, stroking and moving and aiming for pleasure to wash over both of them, to drench them...drown them.  “Don’t cum without me.”  It’s underlined with a growl...animalistic, monstrous as he buries his face in the crook of Levi’s neck.

He doesn’t stop to question it, doesn’t let up, because Levi’s body, his quivering, lithe body, wrapped up in his arms, shudders with a breath in Eren’s ear.  “Hurry.”  And Eren can do nothing but oblige as Levi throbs around him, a shiver moving goosebumps across his skin...Eren can do nothing but give Levi what he wants, pushing heavy thrusts into Levi until they’re both unable to move.  “Eren!  Ahh-”  He doesn’t cease his movement, his breathing, his thrusts, doesn’t stop until his fingers have surely marked fingerprints into Levi’s skin, until he can’t even think anymore, until nothing but heat and warmth and heavy grey surrounds him completely.

Falling into each other’s arms, they sink into a mass of panting, sweaty skin, sticking to each other, breathing against each other’s necks, drawing shivers across each other’s limbs.  They’re so close, so graceless, but it’s so perfect...and Eren’s heart beats heavily in his chest against Levi’s, pounding and throbbing, filling his body with warmth, with weight, shaking the emptiness from him with every second, with the realization that Levi is placing soft kisses against his shoulder, again and again, moving up to his neck, just below his ear, and then giving up with a deep breath, relaxing into the mattress.  

They’re covered in sweat, marked by wet lips, lines of spit, spots of cum, sticky fingers swiped across each other’s skin.  The bed is a mess, blanket thrown to the floor, sheets wrinkled, stained.  But none of that really matters.  None of that really matters when he lifts himself from Levi, looking down into warm, flexing grey, into the soft, tired smile on Levi’s face.

None of that really matters...because he never knew someone could make him this happy, this fulfilled, this alive.  He wants to tell Levi that, but he leans in instead, taking those smiling lips into a kiss, the kind of kiss that could sustain him for the rest of his life, the kind of kiss that he’ll never forget, one with a gentle heat that smolders between them, one with short breaks, soft breaths, deep sighs.  It’s one that moves through him, tingles in his fingers as they brush Levi’s face, ignites a heaviness in his limbs as he pulls Levi from the bed, grows a flutter in his chest as he goes to leave Levi in the bathroom to shower, as he moves to put fresh sheets on the bed, as he’s stopped by Levi’s hand around his wrist.  “Stay…”

It’s all he has to say...because Eren would just as well stay by his side, he’d just as well slip into the warm spray of the water with Levi close beside him, it’s where he’d rather be.  Levi moves sleepily, tilting his head into the water, letting it run over him and it’s so sweet, so pleasant when the older man doesn’t shy away from Eren’s touch, doesn’t heat up from embarrassment when Eren rubs his soapy hands all over the body he dirtied.  And Levi does the same, pushes gentle fingertips into Eren’s every muscle, brings a smile to his lips with no effort at all.

And this time they strip the bed together, they pull the sheets on, tuck them with perfect hospital corners that Eren had to look up tutorials to get right the first time he made Levi’s bed, they turn down the comforter, fold over the top of the sheets.  Eyes meeting across the bed, Levi looks up with a weary smile.  “You’re staying, right?”  This is how easy this would be if they were just together, just a nod in response, just the quiet shuffle as they tuck themselves into the sheets, bodies brushing as they fall into the pillows.  It could be as simple as that…

It's still possible, isn’t it?  This could all be real for them. But when the sun graces the sky and begins the day, when the alarm rings, when they step from this bed, will this all be over? That's what he promised, to never come back here again, but that reality seems so far away from where they are in this moment, so far from this bedroom, so far from the warmth between the covers.

But their expectations...are they different?  Could Levi really expect Eren to walk away again...after all this?  The question weighs into Eren magnified by the space between them.  Levi has turned his back on Eren, curled up on his side, and Eren can only lie on his back, stare up at the ceiling with his arms crossed above his head, his fingertips gently tapping the headboard.

Sleep...it seems so distant now, because his mind is twisting up thoughts, drawing imaginary things on the ceiling, thinking things that might stop his heart from beating altogether.  He runs his fingers through his hair, pulls knots from the dampened strands.  What the fuck was he thinking?  This would be so much easier if Levi acted like he didn't want it, if he acted like he didn't want it to work.  But he so easily accepts Eren's pushing, so willingly allows him back into his bed.

Levi...his breathing speeds up, dragging Eren’s attention from his head, and the older man shifts beneath the sheets, turning and inching closer...closer until his head is poised on Eren’s chest.  He must be sleeping, there's no way he'd do that if he were awake...would he?  But he rubs a fold in Eren's tshirt between his thumb and finger, plays with the wrinkle for a moment before flattening it out against Eren’s abdomen.  He’s awake...he’s awake and cuddling into Eren after all this time, breathing short, shaking breaths against his shirt.

Pulling the covers over Levi’s bare shoulder, tucking them in, locking in the warmth, he breathes into the quiet of the bedroom, the unsure energy between them.  "Are you okay?"

"I thought…”  Figiting under the covers, he moves closer, pressing the line of his thigh against Eren’s.  “I dreamed that you left." 

"I'm here."  His voice is barely a whisper, but he manages at least that...because their heads are such dangerous places, such deceiving, painful places...if only he could make that go away, tear the doubt away.  Eren slowly lays down his arm around Levi, pulling him closer, pulling him in, not letting him go.  "I'm here."  Because feeling the rise and fall of Levi’s chest, the heat of Levi’s jagged breaths against his chest, the way Levi pulls Eren's shirt into his fist, it kills him. 

He wraps his other arm around Levi, draws his fingers into the soft hair at the nape of his neck, takes in a deep breath.  How could he have done this?  He did leave.  He left.  He walked away when Levi needed him.  Because that's what Levi wanted.  But he’s here now...and he’ll stay as long as Levi wants him to, as long as Levi can accept him.  He’ll stay until Levi understands.

"Your heart."  Quiet, soft, that’s all Levi says, listening to the way Eren’s heart beats in his chest.

His heart is overflowing...his heart is so full that it might break under the pressure.

Levi’s breathing slows, his fingertips draw soft circles against Eren’s chest, his shaking stops...and it doesn’t matter if it’s Eren’s words, or the tight hold he has of Levi’s body, or the steady, heavy beating of his heart, it doesn’t matter, because Levi drifts to sleep against Eren’s chest, wrapped in Eren’s arms.

And Eren feels the weight of sleep tugging at the corners of reality.

Because Levi’s breath while he sleeps is the wind brushing along fields of grass, it's the shuffle of leaves, it's watching the breeze press waves into the rolling hills.  Levi’s touch is the heat of the sun as it sets, his presence is the thought of a place Eren has never seen with his own eyes, a place only pictured in movies, imagined from the pages of a book...Levi makes those things real. And here he is folded into Eren's arms, here he is with steady breaths, sleeping with ease.  Here he is.  Only a few words separate them, only a few words could close that distance forever.  The words...they're somewhere lost in that sunset, somewhere clasped between their palms, laced between their fingers lying upon Eren’s chest, somewhere carried by the wind, rushing through his bloodstream.  But they're a little out of reach as Eren feels himself drifting into the silent hold of sleep. 


	14. Whatever You Want, Whatever You Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is no promise in the movement, no declaration, no admission...Eren knows that. But he can't help the feeling welling up in his chest. He can't fucking help it. Because Levi...his kiss is back, and it's so warm, slow, his hands drag across Eren's chest, his heart beats so loud. It's poisonous...the broken words on Levi's lips, the cautious begging, the plush of his fingertips as they press against Eren's chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hold on tight.

Painted in cool blues, outlined in deep navy, the room comes to life as Eren opens his eyes, and though the city moves to wake up before the sun and the world moves to work before the dawn, the bedroom is quiet. They've already ignored a distant alarm, already stirred softly beneath the covers, already shifted and settled into the fading tinted blue of the early morning. It's so quiet here, so warm brushing against Levi's skin between the sheets, and he slowly moves into waking with the background of Levi's heavy, sleeping breaths. Those breaths, they sway in Levi's chest as Eren moves closer, leaving barely an inch between himself and Levi's bare back, drawing air into his body, raising his shoulders, his ribs. Tired eyes drift across the hills and valleys of Levi's skin, the dip between his shoulder blade and spine, the soft, visible scars, the three little, dark freckles that spot the expanse of his back. The muscles, the bones, the frame that holds Levi together, it doesn't shy away when Eren reaches up, placing his hand flat against Levi's hip.

Sound asleep, Levi doesn't resist Eren's touch, just breathes a quiet moan from his chest, soft and sweet and intoxicating as Eren moves closer, presses himself to Levi's back, buries his face in Levi's hair. Surrounded in warmth, drowning himself in the scent of Levi's shampoo, the memories of last night, the dreams that live in the short breaths he leaves against Levi's neck, it doesn't feel real. It doesn't feel real until the alarm rings on Levi's phone, buzzing against the nightstand, until Levi moves for the phone, leaning up on one arm, swiping the annoyance away. This feels more real, because Levi will get up, he'll drag himself from the covers, shake himself from the grip of sleep, remove himself from the hold of Eren's arms...he'll go, begin his day, and expect Eren to keep his promise, to leave without a trace.

Letting out a muted breath, a hushed sigh, Levi runs his hand through his hair, brushes it from his face, and time stalls as Eren watches with bated breath, with tired eyes and a heavy chest. But with one movement Levi lifts the blanket and turns, burying himself in the sheets, pressing his face against Eren's shirt, humming softly as Eren pulls him close. His heart...it's beating so heavily, ramming hard against his ribcage, but he can't bring himself to care as Levi nuzzles against him, pressing at him until he rolls to his back. He can't bring himself to care how loud his heartbeat is, or how it drowns out his thoughts, because Levi lazily crawls on top of him, thin and light in only his underwear, pressing bare knees into the mattress on either side of Eren's hips.

And he leans in, lips parting softly around his words. "I know it's getting late but..." His lips are too close, his hands slide up Eren's chest, his eyes...they're awake and alive despite the clumsy movements of sleepy fingertips. "Just for a little while?"

Eren nods, parting his lips to speak, but Levi dives into a kiss, stopping the words, stopping the thoughts, stopping anything that isn't this...because this is all that matters right now. Innocent at first, just the touch of lips, the brush of skin, Levi moves to drown Eren in heat, in the pure, calm, warmth...but his hands loop around Eren's head, digging into his hair, and Levi opens his mouth, thrusting his tongue in with a drowsy energy. Levi...he falls into Eren, sinks into him, moving his body over Eren's, rubbing at him with the gentle movement of his hips.

He isn't cautious, moving like Eren belongs to him, like the body beneath him is his to touch, to feel, to draw pleasure against. And Eren does the same, kissing, biting at Levi's neck when he comes up for air, nibbling at his chest with no regard for the coverage of work clothes or any onlooking eye. He moves only to decorate Levi's skin with purples and blues, with indentations of teeth and splotches of pink, rows of red left by dull fingernails trailing down his pale back, little curved lines of his nails as he slips his hands into Levi's underwear, squeezing his ass.

There is no promise in the movement, no declaration, no admission...Eren knows that. But he can't help the feeling welling up in his chest. He can't fucking help it. Because Levi...his kiss is back, and it's so warm, slow, his hands drag across Eren's chest, his heart beats so loud. It's poisonous...the broken words on Levi's lips, the cautious begging, the plush of his fingertips as they press against Eren's chest.

"Mmm...more?"

It's poisonous...the way Levi pulls Eren's shirt into his hands, the magnetic force of his eyes when Eren nods in response. And Eren would willingly sign up for that poison, he'd give his life for the taste of Levi's tongue, the heat of his skin, the safety behind his eyes. Because the space between their lips as Levi pulls away, the breaths left brushing against skin, the moment it takes for Levi to reach into the drawer beside him, it takes Eren's breath away, makes him ache to be closer, to eliminate the space between them, eradicate the doubts.

He'd give anything to experience the passion he finds in Levi's eyes, bright, alive with energy, alive...he's alive at the other end of Eren's gaze, looking down at him, moving beneath the covers, watching, waiting, like he might melt away any second. And every second that he looks at Eren like that...it holds tight around Eren's chest, his throat, his heart.

Sliding beneath Levi, Eren sits up against the headboard, watching as Levi rids himself of his underwear, turning to Eren and tugging his boxers down just low enough to spring his cock from the cloth. He feels the same...hasty, hurried, wanting to strip away the air between them, so he watches as Levi tears at the wrapper of the condom, carefully rolling it over Eren's cock with his lip pulled tightly between his teeth.

"Fuck...Levi..." He can hardly stand it, the space between them fluctuating as Levi pours lube over his palm, his fingers, wrapping his hand around Eren's cock, covering him until he's slick. And Levi draws those silvery, grey eyes up Eren's body, meeting his face with fire, with heat, leaning forward to reach his arm back, pressing slippery fingers into himself with a soft moan on his lips. Hot blush flushing into his cheeks, Eren swallows hard at the sight, the thoughts of pleasure cloud reason in his head, and all he wants is to make Levi feel good, to get him closer. "I want you..."

Moving forward, Levi situates his knees on either side of Eren, pressing up against the pillows, and he's so close, so near that when he speaks again, the words dance across Eren's ear, spark heat in his chest. "I want you too..." And a smile stretches across Levi's face, lips turning up, and his tired eyes ignite something strange between them, a passion, an urgency, a desperation.

So they move together, Levi's body responding to Eren's touch with goosebumps raising across his thighs. The older man holds Eren's cock in his hand, poising himself over it as Eren draws his hands up Levi's thighs, digging fingers into plump ass cheeks and holding them apart. And each of them have a breath held in their chest, a burning in their lungs, words locked behind teeth as Levi leans into Eren, pressing himself down over Eren’s cock in a long, slow movement.

And Eren's slouched form watches the way Levi smears the lube from his hand onto the pale skin of his thigh, watches as he stops moving to let heavy breaths shake through his chest, to adjust, accepts the way Levi leans down to him, fingers brushing away stray brown hairs from his face, the way Levi's eyes beg Eren to look at him, to see him as he moves in. Caught in a kiss, captured by the light pink lips moving against him, by the sweetness of Levi's tongue, Eren takes in every feeling, every moment as Levi takes the initiative, takes their pleasure into his own hands. His heart...it beats so hard that Levi must feel it as he slides his hand over Eren's chest, touching the fabric of his shirt, tugging it into his fists as he pulls away from the kiss and begins to move.

Relief moves past Levi's lips, groaning from his chest, and Eren can feel the heat spreading through his body, stretching beneath his skin at the sight. The tip of Levi's shoulders, the bend in his spine, the splotches of hickeys already turning purple on his bare chest, his neck, the perky pink of his nipples heaving with every breath, the trail of dark hair from his belly button down, the stiffened movement of his cock as he thrusts himself over Eren. It's all...so fucking dazing, dizzying, so intense that Eren questions if he's still drunk, or if Levi has awoken something else...something from deep in his chest.

Only Levi could manage rolling his hips like that...moaning like that...while maintaining the gentle hold of his fingers against Eren's chest. Only Levi could have him this far gone so soon, this hot, this carried away. "Nnn...fuck." And Levi's movements are staggered as the word escapes him, stunted for a moment as he clasps one hand down on Eren's shoulder, one around the top of the headboard, breathing out Eren's name from gentle lips...until everything resembling gentleness falls away to urgency, to want, until Eren presses back against him, coaxing broken moans from Levi's chest with arms wrapped around his body, heat seeping between the pressure of their skin.

Already so worked up, already swollen and sensitive, Levi groans with every bend of his knees, every tilt of his hips, biting his lip to stifle a moan when Eren brushes his thumbs over the hardened pink nipples. It's all so intoxicating...the way Levi reacts to his touch, the sounds he makes, the unbreakable gaze between them, it makes Eren forget the dizziness in his head as Levi rocks himself against Eren, throwing his body into Eren's cock, each thrust coaxing another moan from his chest, another shade of red on his face. They’re both so close, so fucking close, and Eren lets a shiver course through his entire body as Levi's body squeezes tighter around him.

"Eren...nnngh." Dark hairs fall over Levi's face, barely shielding the desperate energy aching from behind his eyes as he pulls Eren's shirt into his fists. "Take over...please." And Eren moves without a second’s hesitation, holding Levi close and moving forward, pinning Levi to his back, tossing the covers to the side, splaying out pale, compliant arms against the mattress, lacing their fingers together. Because every moment of Levi in control plays behind his eyes, pushes him to bring pleasure to every inch of that man’s body, to push him to the edge, to move with him until there is nothing else. "Ahh...yes-" Cutting off his words, Eren smothers Levi with a kiss, creaking the bed frame under his thrusts, pushing heavy breaths from Levi with each movement, reveling in the way Levi wraps his legs around Eren’s, the way pale fingertips press into Eren’s back, pulling him closer, tighter, harder.

And the room is overcome by their groans, their ragged breathing, the sticking and smacking of sweaty skin. Blue fades to warming yellows and golds, words fade to unintelligible begging, and lazy, sleepy touches turn to movements with intent, grazing, groping, kissing to push them both over the edge with each other's names on their lips.

Moaning softly, Levi sinks into the mattress, reluctantly releasing Eren from his arms. His eyes are closed and breaths shake from his chest as Eren trails kisses across the flushed skin, dragging his tongue over salty sweat and sticky cum until Levi is clean, until the condom is carefully discarded. Wrapping his fingers around Eren's wrist, Levi holds on, silently begs Eren to fall back into him, to smother him in heat, breathing out only when Eren crawls over him, burying his face into the crook of Levi's neck.

There's no time to think about what comes next, no time to hope, to question, because Levi's voice shakes from his chest, it holds a nervous energy against Eren's ears, a heavy unease blanketing their skin. "You're too good to me." It shouldn't worry him...Levi has said those words before, he's said those words and still wanted to move forward, still wanted to try to accept the things Eren insists on doing for him. But this is different.

Trying to brush it off, to retain some piece of his dignity, his optimism for the situation, he speaks with a tired smile against Levi's skin. "You deserve more than what I've given so far..." Don't let this slip away again, don't let it fall away. "I want to give you so much more."

"Eren..." This is different because Levi holds Eren's shirt steady between his fingers, lets uneven breaths shudder from his chest, and Eren is frozen in place, Eren is completely still, waiting for the next words from Levi’s lips to stop his heart from beating, to cease his jagged breaths. "I'm sorry."

And his body reacts even before his mind can find the words. His fingers go numb as the fear of impending pain sinks into his gut, his body is pricked with goosebumps, skin cool and damp, cheeks flushed and hot. How could he do this to himself again? This was only a temporary fix...a temporary solution, he swore he knew that...so how could he get his hopes up? Trying to keep his voice level, calm, he works to keep the panic subdued in his chest though his heartbeat throbs in his neck. "Why are you apologizing?"

"It's not fair..." Voice low, tentative against Eren's ear, Levi speaks, but Eren can hardly make out the words over the thudding in his chest, the panic racing in his head. "How can I expect you to let me go when I can't let go of you?” Levi’s fingertips...they shake against Eren’s skin, and he makes no attempt to stop it, too preoccupied with pulling Eren in to repress the trembling of his chest. “No amount of time or space between us will let me forget you..." The feelings of not wanting to be alone fall away to not wanting to do any harm...why does that always end them up here, with Levi retreating?

"Then stop trying to push me away..." But he isn't pushing away. Levi’s body deceives his words, and he pulls tight on Eren's shirt, keeping him near, keeping their bodies pressed close with barely a breath of space between them. Moving to look at him, to see the hurt looking back at him from watery grey, Eren touches their foreheads together, noses brushing, heartbeats pounding against each other's chests.

Levi turns his head away, blinking away the tears that have welled up in his eyes, swallows hard in the silence of the room. "You want to spend the rest of your life with a selfish, broken man...someone so stunted he can't even accept your feelings?" Turning his eyes, but keeping his head facing away, Levi tries to remain distant, to seem out of reach...but his lips, they speak of forever, they dance with the thought of a lifetime, and his eyes shake with energy, chasing after the unfathomable warmth that comes with plans of a future neither of them knew they had.

So he rolls beside Levi, turning them both on their sides, moves into his line of sight, pleads with him one more time...because it's all he's got, pleads with him because he can feel the world alive in Levi’s gaze. "If that means spending the rest of my life showing you how incredible you are…” He can feel the heat of the sun emanating from Levi’s pale skin. “Showing you how kind and caring you are…” He can hear the Earth in the heavy beating from his chest. “Showing you how much I love you…” And all he can think to do is hold on, to feel the way the universe moves in Levi’s arms. “...then yes."

But Levi doesn't even listen, does he? He lets tired grey fall down somewhere below Eren’s face, drawing heavy lines against his chest with low eyelids. Will he even consider it, the premise of their relationship, the idea that Eren easily accepts the promise of forever, or has he already made up his mind? "That's not how this is going to work." Quiet, calm, Levi catches his breath before he presses his palm to Eren’s chest, runs fingers along the fabric of his shirt, moves with the contours of his body.

Eren tries to focus on that, on the heat behind Levi’s fingertips, the unsure energy in his eyes, he tries to focus, to not lose his head, to not be choked out by his fear. “It will if you let it.” Because if he lets Levi’s doubts rule him, they won’t make it...because he’s breaking with every word, every breath.

Widened eyes shoot back up, meeting his gaze, but they soon fall again, giving way to a straight face, puffy, wrinkled eyelids painted purple with lack of sleep. "You need to understand, Eren. Either you go now or you stick around long enough to see me become a monster." Sliding his hand up, he presses it against the center of Eren’s chest, fitting his palm into the dip of Eren’s sternum.

And Eren’s heart beats hard against it, pounding against his ribcage, aching to meet the man, to feel his touch deep inside his chest. "You aren't even giving us a chance." Hoping is pointless, isn't it? Wishing...believing things will be better...it's all so pointless. Because Eren is nowhere to be found...he makes no appearance in Levi's heart...is that it? Their lives...they were only supposed to connect for a fleeting second, a passionate moment. They were only supposed to scar one another, only supposed to use and be used...is that what he's supposed to believe? 

That's not it, is it? No...

Then why...why did Levi let him in in the first place? Why let him into his house...his bed? Why continue looking from across the room, why keep the scarf in his coat pocket? The answer should be simple...it should be right in Eren’s grasp as he slides his hand over Levi’s. Because it’s the same reason he came here instead of sleeping with Erd. It’s the same reason he stayed the night in the bed, the same reason he’s still here. Because after all of that...after everything...there is no way he could ever erase Levi from his heart, no way he could ever undo what they have done...and Levi can’t erase him either.

Levi’s voice...it pulls Eren back, drags him back from his thoughts. "I'm giving you every chance to get out before I seriously hurt you." Back to this reality...the one where Levi is naked, half tangled in the sheets with his legs entwined in Eren’s, the one where the pale skin of his left hand is squeezed tight around Eren’s shirt again, the one where he holds on with everything he’s got despite his mind telling him to let go.

So Eren inches closer, searches for purchase as he pries Levi’s hand from his shirt, wrapping their fingers together instead. “Then why are you holding on to me so tight?”

The words move from Levi’s lips without hesitation, like they’ve been poised, ready to slip from his tongue for days. “I don't want to be without you…” And it catches Eren’s breath in his chest, it nearly stops his heart from beating altogether. “But I can be alone...just knowing your love is enough.” His gaze remains on their locked hands, refusing to look back up into Eren’s eyes.

“But what does that leave me?” Words fall from behind his teeth, eager, pointless words that won’t get him anywhere, but he can’t stop himself from saying them, he can’t stop himself now. He’ll do anything to keep Levi by his side, selfish and greedy and hungry, he’ll tear himself apart for this. “It leaves me alone...lonely...wondering how you felt about me after all this time.”

Heavy, excessive, Eren’s words visibly weigh into Levi, they come in the form of a lip bitten white between his teeth, raised, pale shoulders, scrunched, dark eyebrows...and flexing, aching silvers and greys. But he can’t take it back, he can’t fix pain that has surfaced just below Levi’s skin. "You gave me happiness when I thought I couldn't feel that again, Eren…” The world is quiet, still to the background of their breathing, their heavy heartbeats. “All I ever give you is pain...I'm hurting you with every move I make. I hurt you when I let you in, I hurt you when I send you away." Tucking his chin to his chest, Levi lets his hair fall into his face, squeezing Eren’s fingers tight, pressing his other palm over his mouth.

Whatever Eren says, it has to be enough to change Levi's mind about the whole thing...enough to pull him back in. Because otherwise this is going nowhere, this is...it's suffocating him to know that the person he wants most can't decide if it's worth it to be with him. Can't shake off the feeling of the hold his past has on him. He can't shake it, and won't let Eren brush it off of him. "I'm gonna hurt.” All he wants is to be closer...to stop this back and forth, to shake them both from this limbo, this silent standoff between broken stares. “I'm gonna hurt if you stay with me, I'm gonna hurt if you make me leave.” He tugs gently at Levi’s wrist, releasing his tight, pink lips, getting shining grey to look up, meet Eren’s green in the short space between them. “It's not something I can avoid...just like you, those memories and pains don't just go away, the panic...the depression, it doesn’t just disappear.” Brushing fingertips against the pale skin of Levi’s face, drawing goosebumps into the skin of his neck, Eren watches, waits, because Levi is fully attentive, fully listening. “But being with you makes those things bearable, Levi...being with you makes it seem manageable.” 

Something unlocks, flexes behind Levi’s irises, shifts deep inside blackened pupils, and his mouth falls open, but nothing comes out, nothing moves from behind parted lips, nothing escapes his blushed cheeks. So Eren just runs his fingers up that paused face, brushes the thick black hairs back into place, breathes in the warmth of Levi’s touch against his hand, his hip as he watches those eyes flit back and forth against his face...searching for words, for excuses, for anything at all.

"I thought I was pretty clear from the beginning, but I feel like you just aren't going to get it if I don't spell it out for you." Running his thumb against Levi’s lips, feeling the shuddering breaths that move from his quiet mouth, Eren leans up against his elbow, moving closer. "I want you...no matter what the cost.” And their lips meet, barely brush, gentle and wary and soft, swollen and bitten from their morning of desperation, their morning of touching. But this kiss feels different. It’s short, sweet, but it sets Eren’s entire body on fire, seeps warmth out beneath his skin, sparks a fire in his chest, an embarrassing blush on his face. “Levi...I love you.” More kisses, more heavy thuds in his chest, he places his lips on Levi’s cheeks, his forehead, draws fingers into the mess of thick black hair on his head, tucking Levi into his chest. “Every broken, unsure piece of you.” 

Holding tight against him, Levi is unmoving except the breaths that shudder from his mouth, the heaving in his chest. He is wordless, quiet, but his arms wrap around Eren’s waist, searching for something solid to hold onto.

But Eren is not solid. He is wavering under the weight of the silence, he is searching for something to say, anything at all, searching his mind for words, but nothing has meaning right now. Nothing...nothing he can say now will change anything, and forcing Levi, forcing him to make a decision isn’t right. But this...it feels a whole lot like nothing. Like the warmth, the energy, the entire point of his living has been sapped from his body. And he is...he is...what is he? Hollowed out, carved away, he is empty and needy and terrified...and he's losing everything he's hoped for, he's losing himself as they part, and there's nothing he can do about it. He's done all he can, said all he can manage, stripped away at himself, but the decision is not his. The decision lies in the heart of the man that’s buried himself in Eren’s chest, inside the body of a man beaten and bruised, a man destroyed by someone else’s version of love again and again. 

There’s nothing left to do...because every second that breathes between them feels like the end. So he holds Levi until his chest can no longer bear the space that grows between their hearts, gently pulling away from Levi’s hold. “I won’t force you anymore.” And the teardrops have already welled up in his eyes, already forced their way out, blurring Levi’s pale, white face, obscuring his expression. “I’m gonna go.” Wiping away the tears from his eyes, stretching a short smile on his face, he looks down into the man huddled in his arms, the man with streaks from his own tears staining his face. “Call me when you’re ready. Ask me to stay...and I’ll never look back.” Levi slips his arms from around Eren, grasping the collar of his shirt firmly in his fists, pulling Eren into a kiss, slowly fading into himself, sinking into the bed, letting go.

And Eren drags himself from the bed, tugging on his clothes, taking his time leaving, aching with every moment that passes. He clicks the door shut with a sigh, sniffling into the quiet hallway of the apartment building, walking down the stairs to settle on the bottom step. Calling a cab, waiting in the silence, every second makes his stomach churn, every missed call and text from Armin making him shake with a nervous energy. 

But he takes a breath...steps forward, lets the tears stream down his face...because his heart, his heart is empty. His heart...he left it lying in the bed upstairs, huddled beneath the sheets, broken and alone, with pale arms covering his crying face.

His heartbeat is so shallow, barely there, because this feels like the end. Because this time they parted with words. Because this time Eren put it all on Levi’s shoulders. This time...will be the last time.

 

The distinction is not lost on Eren. It could never slip so quickly from his fingers, could never leave him at peace, because the world spins on, his heart keeps beating, and he keeps moving just like he always does. He keeps moving...keeps breathing, keeps waking up every morning, keeps attending classes and showing up to work, just like before he met Levi. And just like before...before he met Levi, he can’t find it in himself to care. His vision skirts over people's faces, blurs out the details, the clothes, the lighting, the breeze in the air, nothing really manages to reach him.

Because his best efforts...they've amounted to nothing. His words never managed to reach the one person he really needed to...so how could his words ever reach anyone at all? Effort...it doesn't really matter in the end, does it? He tries not to be drown out by it, but he can't really locate himself in his own head and he can’t even feel his own shallow heartbeat anywhere in his chest.

Because Eren usually pays attention to detail, analyzes every movement, every moment. He notes the color of the light peeking through his window, the squares in the carpeting, the stray thread in his blanket...he lets his eyes fall over everything without a judgement, lets his feet feel the floor beneath him, his palms slide over the looped fabrics, his fingertips roll and curl the thread between them. It is solid...real...undeniable. He wants to roll the details into his mind, to describe the feeling, the solid floor under his feet, the heat against his skin, the misplacement. He usually sees the world so differently, actually sees it, takes it in, churns it in his mind. But it doesn't make much sense on the outside...it's there, but it's too much to fully comprehend, too much to take in.

Usually...he thinks in words...in clear, concise words...fighting being muddled, fighting being misunderstood. And he feels...he feels in color, feels in description, in lists, in warmth and light, in cold and darkness. He feels the world beneath his fingertips, experiences the world at the tip of his pen, the smoothness of the untouched paper, the squareness of the keys...he usually feels the world beneath his fingertips…

And Levi? There is no color when it comes to Levi...because he thinks of himself as a shadow, dark, colorless, but he doesn't see it from Eren's point of view. Because through sparkling green, Levi is so much more than simple grey, so much more than inky black atop pale white. Every inch of that man is a masterpiece, built to perfection even before Eren laid his greedy eyes on the canvas. He was already made with creamy, light skin, reddened by touch, marked and torn, repaired, remade, his scars and breaks etching him with puffy pinks, pale purples. 

It began with the dusted blush on pale cheeks, light pink lips bitten white at the hint of a touch. And with the peeling back of clothes, the unbuttoning of blacks and unzipping of whites, the folds of greys and the giving way to Levi's chest marked with rosy, perky nipples...just the memory of it is enough to draw a line of shivers up Eren's spine. Because Eren made a point to dye Levi in splotchy reds, in bitten purples, kissed magentas, to pigment Levi's skin with the attention of his teeth, to tint him with deep blush with the lash of a tongue, to stain white thighs, slender hips, plump ass cheeks with fingerprinted bruises and the shallow crescents of indented fingernails. 

To make a darkened heart call out for more, to shine a light into the shadow, to reveal the sharp crimson, dark scarlet, refracted azure, vivid coral, that's all he wanted to do...to expose the bright yellows, the breezy, skylit blues, crisp, clean whites, and flourishing, grassy greens. He never really noticed it when he was doing it...but maybe he was only painting Levi in his own colors...maybe what he saw behind Levi's eyes was just never there, a projection of himself onto a man that wanted nothing to do with this from the beginning. Maybe he only spoke kind words because Eren forced him to, maybe he only smiled as a reflection of Eren's feelings, an easy appeasement...maybe their entire relationship has been a lie, just Levi exposing his blank expression to Eren's projecting light.

In the quiet moments at work on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, that's all he can think about...in the lull between classes, the breaths between lectures, if his attention isn't focused on words, on input, on someone's homework, someone's paper, his head drifts back to this...the lingering thought that maybe Levi was right about being too broken, maybe everyone was right. 

Maybe he and Levi were simply passing by each other, a split second in each other's timeline. And maybe Eren read too much into it. Maybe he thought he could repair Levi's heart, maybe he was foolish to think that Levi wanted to repaired at all, or maybe Levi was only looking for a distraction, a temporary plaything with a lapse in judgement.

When did he become like this? The empty shell of a man going through the motions, of work, school, living...how many days has he been something barely resembling himself? It's only been two since he last saw Levi, but he's been wearing down, wearing away at himself since things started between them, because no matter how much energy he got from being with Levi, being sent away sapped it all from his body, from his mind, from his heart. Even if Levi wanted to accept him, at this point there's not much left of him to accept...he's been worn out by expectations, leveled by his own foolishness, flattened again and again. Because there's no way Levi really ever wanted him...he only saw what he wanted to see. Right? 

But that reasoning only sticks in the face of distraction, only helps him get through the day, but as soon as work comes to a close, as soon as he realizes that he'll be alone with himself for the entirety of the day tomorrow...he can't vow to convince himself. Because it's complete bull shit.  
The image of Levi's face streaked with tears sticks in his mind, begs him not to believe the doubts he's burdened himself with...Levi has no reason to lie, no reason to act like a nice guy if he were really only using Eren. And Eren offered to be used, offered to just be someone to call when Levi needed sex, but that wasn't what he wanted...those scars, those repaired bruises and broken bones, those memories, they've marked Levi in a way he can't shake, a way he thinks has ruined him. So no matter what Eren offers, no matter how tight Levi held onto him, no matter how much Levi let him in, that man can’t find it in himself to forgive, to move on, to put his heart in Eren’s hands the way Eren so fully offers his own.

Three days, two nights, and every moment of silence only solidifies the space between him and Levi. Every moment begs for him to give up, to move on, but all he wants is to get back...back to that dreamy space that outlined Levi in a gold light, the space that lifted the dark hair from his face to flutter in the breeze. Nothing will change...he knows that. But if he could just get back to that...maybe he could hold on for just a little while longer.

So he retreats to his bedroom, falls to his bed, thanks the week for coming to an end on another listless day, sinking into the mattress, closing his eyes to the room until the buzzing of his phone in his pocket drags him back to reality. Armin’s picture smiles back at him from the screen of the phone, begging him to answer. "Hey, Armin, what's up?"

"Annie and I are meeting Jean for dinner, wanna come?" His voice sounds warm, sweet, but the concern is hidden in his words, the plans for distraction, the attempt to get Eren out of his bed for the first night since Tuesday.

But that’s not going to happen. Turning to his side, balancing his phone on his face, Eren settles back into his pillow, closing his eyes to the room. "Nah. I'm not really feeling up to it." 

The sounds of the call are clear, crisp, the radio turned almost all the way down, the rumble of the car, Annie’s quiet voice mumbling behind Armin’s wavering confidence. "Maybe getting out would make you feel better?" 

“Feel better…” Sighing, he resists the urge to grumble, to yell, to do anything, because there is no feeling better. "You can stop hovering. I'm just gonna order some pizza and watch a movie or something." Or bury his face in the pillows and never come out.

Annie's voice comes from the phone, unexpected, unannounced. "You haven't heard from Levi at all?" 

Fuck...his name hurts, seeps into him, takes hold of his chest, and it's obvious in the way his disappointment punctuates his words. "No." And Annie makes a scolding sound with her tongue, a puzzling noise lifted by a long sigh. "Go have fun. I'll be fine.” And he hangs up the phone, tossing it to the other side of the bed, flopping face down into the pillow, finding comfort in the silence, the emptiness, the heavy beating of his heart.

Maybe he should've been clearer, maybe he should've stayed until Levi had something to say, because maybe then he'd have an answer. Maybe silence is his answer. Maybe he should stop holding on to these misguided hopes...the ones that he should've let go at the start. But how can he let go....how can he even begin to forget after the words that Levi said. If those words were true...if Levi really feels that way, how could Eren ever let go? How could he ever move on?

It’s becoming increasingly obvious…the paths they’ve taken, the lives they’ve lived, they’ve been pruned for lonesomeness, raised and torn down and left to be alone. Maybe nothing can save them...maybe the thought of a love they could both gain from only tricked them this far...because now, stuck between melancholy and passion, it’s pretty clear...the hurt, the pain rooted in Levi's heart, it seemed so familiar, so near to him that when he reached out to touch it, he could've mistaken it for his own. Years of being alone, a lifetime of being mistreated, he was stupid to ever think that love would be enough to break through that kind of barrier. He was foolish to ever even say it...but it's never felt like this before, being with someone, it's never felt so...warm, so healing. He should've remembered it while it lasted, should've committed the feeling to memory, no matter how much it begs to hurt him now, he wants to feel the soft touch of Levi's skin, the hot breath from his lips, the insecurity washing away with every smile, every word. If he could just drown in it…

But he can't even keep his head clear, can't even have a steady thought process, because the vibrations of his phone once again disturb him, make him pull himself away from the pillows. Armin, his mother, whoever it is might just be ignored, because there isn't a single person he wants to see come across the screen, not one. Reaching for his phone, turning it over, it isn't any of those names, it's the only one he never expected to see again, the only one he wants, and his thumb slides to answer before he even has a chance to calm his throbbing heart or catch his heaving breaths.

Don't let this be a mistake, don't let this be some huge mistake. “Levi?” Propped on his elbows, his body is contorted, twisted with his pillow pulled tight to his chest, but his reality is in a standstill, his heavy heartbeat, his weakened fingers, his hazy mind, none of that is really reachable, none of that really matters. None of that matters, because Levi is quiet, paused, but his breathing still comes from the other line, and time still ticks on as the phone call stays connected.

“Eren…” Breathy, quiet, Levi’s voice is so soft, so sweet, punctuated by a sigh, and it’s too fucking hopeful, too faithful, but Eren’s eager heart can’t help but beat a little faster.

But his hopes are too high, his expectations too clouded by his unstoppable imagination, because even with the threat of the end, even with the worry poised on Levi’s tongue, Eren wants closeness, he wants every thought from the past two days to just leave with the words that could come from Levi’s mouth. “Is everything okay?”

“No.” 

If only he could see Levi’s expression, if only he could read what his face says, or see him hide himself when he speaks, because this is too much. This is...painful, the way Levi’s breathing cuts into Eren’s chest, makes his heart plummet into his gut. “Where are you?”

“My kitchen.” Rolling himself to the edge of the bed, placing his feet firmly on the floor, Eren steadies himself here, pulls the blanket into his fist, searching for purchase or bracing for the impact of Levi’s doubts, his pains, his decisions.

So he holds his head in his hand, listens to the quiet huffing of Levi’s breath, the little sniffles that come every few minutes. There is no easing into this, no comfortable way to end everything that’s gone on between them, but what's left? “You want to tell me what’s wrong?” There's no power in his voice, no stability, no hope as he sinks into himself, body begging to fall back into the mattress, to give up for good.

“Don’t…” Stopping, taking a breath, searching for confidence, he makes Eren wait, makes Eren hold his breath until it burns in his lungs. “Don’t give up on me.” 

And Eren could inhale the words, could let them sustain him forever, feeling a giddiness bubble from deep in his chest. “I won’t.” 

“Eren…” There's something about it, something in Levi's voice that Eren wants to read into, something that makes him stand, makes him move through his apartment with a fever growing beneath his clothes, spreading across his skin, igniting in his heart. He just needs to get there, needs to close the distance, to see him. “Don’t kiss anyone else.”

And Eren pauses at the door, slipping the shoes onto his feet in a huff. Is that what this is about? The thing with Erd has bugged him this much? But he doesn't care, doesn't care what the reason is, or what finally changed in Levi's mind. None of that matters now. “I won't, Levi.” And he tugs on his coat with some difficulty, grabbing his keys from the place they were hastily discarded on the table, slipping from the door and bounding down the stairs. “What else?” He needs to keep Levi talking, keep moving, keep going, because he starts his car and pulls from the parking lot with his chest light, his heart heavy. 

“Don't meet someone else...don't fall for them or talk to them or make them smile…” And Eren takes no time to adjust the heat, no time to do anything but push the speed limit a little further, holding his phone tight to his ear to hear the sound of Levi pacing in his apartment as he continues his rant. “Don't meet them at a bar...or get them to take you home. Don't look at them with those eyes, don't make them feel like they're the most important person in the world when you look at them.” Clearing his throat, Levi pauses again, and Eren taps his fingers against the wheel at a red light. 

“I won't. I promise.” And he pushes the gas pedal with the green light, driving off with a smile on his face. “What else, Levi?”

“Don't touch them, don't bring them pleasure with every brush of your fingertips...don't worry about how much they're sleeping, don't make sure you're there when they have a nightmare.” 

And through the pauses, the breathing, Eren pulls into an empty parking space, listening closely to the shaking in Levi's voice. 

“Don't cook them breakfast, or make them dinner, or take them out. Don't...don't care for anyone else the way you do for me…” Breathing heavily on the other line, he waits for Eren to say something, to agree, to yell, but Eren is quiet, sitting in his car trying to stifle the tears that well up in his eyes. “I'm sorry...I'm so selfish. I want you all to myself.”

But what's the point? Why not let them fall, why not let them roll over the smile perched in his cheeks? “That's what I've wanted all along.” Opening the door, shoving his keys in his pocket, he moves from the car, looking up in the direction of Levi's window, standing in the cold of the parking lot with no regard for the breeze nipping at his fingers, his face, daring to whisk away the tears.

“I know… I… I'm sorry. Shit.” And his voice is so choppy, so empty of confidence.

Moving toward the door, standing beneath the awning, he presses his hand to his chest, pulling his coat tight in his fist. “Levi...tell me what you want, or I'll never understand.” And he closes his eyes, blocking out the world, blocking out everything aside from Levi's voice.

“I'm trying...my words are just...insufficient.” He's not good at this...that's what he said, but Eren's heart says otherwise, the tears in his eyes say otherwise. “‘I want you...whatever the cost.’ You said that right?”

His own words sound like heaven coming from Levi's lips, heavy and sticky with a promise of forever. “I did.”

“Well now I'm saying it. I need you...the rest should be said in person.” And Eren can't quite catch his breath, can't quite see straight, pressing his hand to the wall for support, leaning into Levi's building and falling into his words. His breaths...they escape him, dizzy him as Levi’s voice makes the world stop turning beneath his feet. “Eren. Come to me, please. Come to my place...I know you might not trust me…” Laughing through tears, Eren drowns himself in Levi's words, lets them surround him until he can't even breathe. “But I promise I won't send you away again.” Because his heart is pounding in his chest...his body can hardly take it anymore, the weight of his emptiness lifting from his limbs. “But I won't let you go, either, so…” 

And his finger is pressed into the button next to Levi's name before he can speak any more doubt, before he can finish his thought. The doorbell shocks them both, wakes them up, and Levi is silent now, only his breath awake against Eren's ear. “Hurry.” Eren's voice lets on to the shakiness in his chest, wavering with his words. “I've been waiting for so long…” So long to come in, so long to be accepted, so long for Levi to come around. Urgency runs through his veins, shaking in his fingertips as Levi presses to unlock the door, and Eren moves into the hall, looking up from the bottom of the stairs to the landing above. 

Levi...he's already there, standing there with his phone to his ear, breaths heaving visibly from his chest. The stairs seem like such a small feat when his hand reaches out, palm pale and fingers outstretched toward Eren. His sleeves are rolled up, the fabric of his grey button down folded perfectly around the black loops of his sweater, and the collar of his shirt peeks through the neck hole, unbuttoned at the top, probably perfectly tucked into his dark jeans, hidden away beneath his sweater. He looks so put together, so buttoned up, if it weren't for the black socks sticking from the bottom of his jeans, or the look in his eyes...the look that tells Eren he might just fall apart if there's one more second of space between them, and Eren probably looks about the same.

But there is no more space, no more as he places his hand in Levi's, no more as they move together to his apartment. And there's so much left to be said, so much to be mended, but this moment, this second, they breathe together in the space of the doorway, they move tentatively as Eren watches Levi. Uncertain, hesitant, the man steps forward, closing the space, burying himself inside the heat of Eren’s unzipped coat, shivering into the hold of Eren’s arms.

And it’s everything...the way he comes in,  
The way he bears every break,  
Every bruise,  
Wanting Eren to leave marks of his own.

He approaches  
Shattered,  
Damaged,  
Ready to be torn apart.

Drawing near  
Alone,  
Lonely,  
Hoping Eren will leave him wanting more.

He comes in...  
Letting Eren kiss every scar,  
Break every doubt,  
And stand by him forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This marks the end of the Eren POV chapters for now! So Levi will be back in his brooding brilliance in the next chapter. :)


	15. But, Lover, Please Stay With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I love you...you know that, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Deep breaths.
> 
> Extra feels playlist:   
> Loneliest - Incubus  
> Stranger Ways - Anberlin  
> Through - N u a g e s  
> Echo - Incubus  
> Nightfall - Anchor and Braille  
> Particles - Olafur Arnalds ft. Nanna Bryndis Hilmarsdottir

Shallow, sinking, Levi's empty heart throbs a hollow pain in his pitted ribcage. It aches with each beat, heavy, hot in his chest, spreading a dull frost beneath the fibers of his skin, the inescapable chill of loneliness. Growing, twisting, rooting itself in his every vein, weakening his muscles, his bones, his hold over himself, the emptiness eats away at him. It's nothing new, nothing he couldn't handle, he's been sculpted for being alone, perfectly carved into cold, lifeless stone. So it shouldn't weigh on him this much...it shouldn't press knots into the muscles of his shoulders, shouldn't bring a tension to either side of his spine, shouldn't make his chest feel taut, tied up, bound...but it does.

He's been fighting it since day one, the fluttering feeling in his gut, the smile he couldn't quite resist, the warmth in the touch of Eren's fingers, his smooth palms, his heavy arms...but his stubborn head, his wary heart, his ceaseless determination, they were no match for steadfast green, for driven heat, for the light that poured from Eren's lips with only the turn of his smile.

The way it feels...to be present in Eren's heart, to be held dear inside someone so incredible, so sweet...it's intoxicating beyond anything else he's ever encountered. It's dizzying, buzzing through his skin like electricity, and it's got him doing foolish things, chasing after that energy. It's got his jaw unhinged, tongue moving, lips unlocked, saying things he's always thought, but never had the courage to say...it's got Eren on his doorstep, standing at the bottom of the stairs looking back at him.

Barely a second passes before Eren begins to close the space between them, but it feels like eternity as he stands there with his phone held up to his ear. But that's okay...he wants to remember every detail of this moment, resolving to note every fold in the puffy material of Eren's black coat, the way it hangs unzipped, open to the black hockey sweatshirt that Levi has seen him in so many times before, the one laced with the thick, white strings of a skate. Every breath that heaves from his chest, Levi wants to commit it to memory, to replay it with every crease in his dark wash jeans, cut straight, sitting perfectly around the muscles of Eren's thighs, bunching up around the ankles at the top of his usual deep red high tops. He wants to remember the way Eren's arm sways to his side, the way he stuffs his phone into his pocket, the way he tilts his head, a smile perched on perfect, dark pink lips.

Holding out his hand, he reaches for Eren in the only way he can, waiting on unsteady legs for the man who has infiltrated his every dream, his every thought, to make his way up the stairs. Vision blurred by tears, throat tight with panic, he holds himself together, letting his heartbeat drown out his ears, distract from the shaking in his hands, anchoring him to the floor. So close...he can feel Eren nearing even as he wipes his tears in the crook of his arm, and there's no time to question if he's made the right decision, no time to wonder if he's made the right call, because Eren is here...standing before him with a smile on his lips and tears streaking down his cheeks. Eren was here before Levi even told him to come, before the words managed to slip past his teeth...could it really be caused by the clumsy words that fall gracelessly from his lips? Could his uneasy heart really be pulling Eren back after all he's done to push him away?

Anxious, apprehensive, on edge, his heart barely beats hard enough to keep him steady as Eren slips a hand into his outstretched palm, lacing between jittery fingers, aiming to steady his shaking frame. And Eren is restless, moving through the doorway of Levi's apartment, closing himself in, tension clear in his high shoulders, the distance he keeps from Levi. Unsure, uncertain, unwilling to move, to scare Levi away, Eren's eyes fall to their locked fingers, squeezing tightly, trying to regain his composure. The movement sends electricity up Levi's arm, makes him fidget in his spot, his unquiet mind begging him to move, to do or say something, anything at all, so he steps forward, unsteady on his feet, tripping over himself. 

And he falls into Eren, wrapping his arms into the warmth of his puffy jacket, all the way around his waist, pulling tight and burying his face until he can't breathe, taking in the soft scent of Eren's laundry detergent, his deodorant, his sweat after a day of classes and work. But the burning in his chest couldn't make him let go now, the shakiness in his knees, the pit growing in his gut, it can't tear him away when Eren wraps his arms around Levi, steadying the older man in his grasp, leaning back against the door for stability.

Comfort...it's something he shouldn't be allowed to feel from the warmth of Eren's touch, something he shouldn't allow himself, but he can't help it, can't manage to gain control over his body as Eren laces his fingers into Levi's hair, rubbing little circles into his scalp, and they just breathe, just stand, and Levi loses himself completely to the heavy thudding of Eren's heart in his ribcage, the whir of his blood, the hands that hold him close. Eren holds them both up, takes the weight of Levi's body against him, bending further into the older man, leaning his face into the top of Levi's head, breathing against his hair, entombing him entirely in the warmth of his body.

Will it be the same once he knows what Levi has done? Will these arms so easily embrace him once he's said what weighs heavily in his chest, the truths that have been pulling at the coattails of his consciousness? Or will they fall away, leave him empty, alone to stand on his own feeble frame?

These hands...the same ones that press palms flat against the small of Eren's back, they've caused more pain than pleasure, the same fingers that draw lines against the muscles, the vertebrae of his spine, they've done unforgivable things, and the lips that breathe relief into the fabric of Eren's shirt, they've said things Eren surely could never forgive. Those things, those memories, the thought that they have to be said, they have to be laid out before Eren...it's enough to shudder a breath from his chest. Clearing his throat, he gently pulls himself from Eren's hold, watching Eren take off his coat, his shoes, creep quietly onto the carpeting and into the living room.

Without Eren beside him, without the reassurance of his touch, Levi wavers on his feet, feeling the emptiness return in the hollow space of his chest. Making a spot for himself in the corner of the couch, Eren leans his shoulder into the back cushion, tucking his right foot under his left knee, letting the right leg sit up on the couch. He was the one that pulled away, the one that turned Eren down time and time again, and it hurts, the timid look in Eren's eyes, the pause he holds over his body, because it's Levi's fault...why would Eren give him strength now? He doesn't deserve the help, doesn't deserve anything Eren has done for him thus far...but still, the younger man reaches before him, pats the couch with a quiet smile on his face, a tired look behind hopeful green, calling Levi to him. And it's magnetic, unforgettable, the way that he always does it, the way he pulls that energy out of nowhere, the way he draws Levi in. It's something Levi could never match, but he sits in front of Eren, letting their knees touch, letting his panic dull in his chest with the warmth of their connection, feeling a sigh leave his lips.

And Levi is supposed to speak, supposed to say something, but it might change all of this...it might ruin everything they've built over the last few months. So he memorizes the way Eren looks, the deep brown of his hair, the way it sits perfectly disheveled on his head, the way it looks against the warm tan of his skin, the way he bites nervously at those dark, pink lips, adjusting the black ring at the corner of his mouth. He memorizes the warmth radiating from Eren's leg, the unmatched colors of his socks, the uneven strings of his sweatshirt, because he is undoubtedly perfect...flawed and goofy and fucking perfect all the same.

Eren is...love personified, the living, breathing, smiling picture of what it means to be in love, what it means to care so deeply, so completely, that nothing else matters. Energy spikes behind his warm, green irises, drawing scenes in Levi's heart of the glowing sun and the way it shines against long blades of grass, the way it lines the ground with dozens of shadows, creating brilliant colors against the Earth, fostering growth and warmth and happiness at the ends of its rays. That's what it feels like to be at the end of Eren's gaze, because he radiates heat, he feeds compassion, encourages a tender gentleness in Levi...he melts away the icy hold of Levi's past, draws him in a warm light, brings him back to life with just a glance.

He's never read anything about love and believed it fully, never considered it without doubt in the deep cracks of his mind, the hollow space in his veins, the emptiness in his heart, not even when he was with Farlan. No...his body is full of cavities, craters, cracks, broken and beaten and empty...so how could a love like those printed in the lines of a book ever reach him?

How could he give all of himself to someone when all he is made of is a shattered foundation, a remodeled frame, a heart tossed into a sunken hole? He is a damaged, shredded soul, crushed like glass, just barely covered by fractured, pale skin, sharp and cold to the touch, fragmented by each gentle caress.

He's repaired himself with tape and rope and filled the cracks with words he can't believe, words from people he'll never know, never trust, and the pages, they lose their meaning once they're stuffed inside of a shell that can't understand what it is to love....to love someone so fully, to love with every pulverized cell in his body. So how could someone love him? How could someone look at him as anything resembling a whole person, anything deserving love?

Because the thing is...he's not. And Eren...Eren knows that. Eren sees every lesion in his skin, every effort he's made to repair it. He sees the emptiness hidden beneath the injured flesh, tucked away behind brittle bone, trained muscle...and he sees something else, something Levi can't quite understand. But he wants to...fuck does he want to.

Because Eren flakes away at the tape, pulls at the knots...he unpacks sopping pages of books with words that mean nothing to him, of newspaper with obituaries, tossing it all aside. And Levi is bare to him, undeniably and unquestionably bare, peeled down to the very core of himself, the twisted, mangled core. And Eren embraces Levi like water rushing over him, around him. Eren is a river, etching away at Levi, trickling and dripping and smoothing out sharp corners, meandering through the darkened corners of his body, chipping away at the memories, dislodging them into the stream. Eren crashes over him like the wave of an ocean, passing far over Levi's head, washing over him...

And all Levi wants to do is dive deeper, bathe himself in the warmth, the light, all he wants is to be smothered, to drown in it until it's all he can see, until he can understand what it means. He wants to be infiltrated, pulled apart, pieced together, he wants to be repaired with every painful memory intact, with every break, every harsh word, because those things...they made him, they built him...but they do not dictate the man he chooses to be.

They do not rule him...because Eren's heart splays light against Levi's chest, seeps into his pores, reaching deep within his lungs, brushing away the shadows, washing out every blackened thought. Even after everything he's done...after accepting himself as the darkened cloud, one carrying a heavy rain, an unforgettable storm, this thought reaches out to him as those weighted drops fall, mix into Eren's warm, deep waters. Eren might just absorb him completely, in the best way possible, if he lets it happen...if Eren can accept Levi for who he truly is, for what he's really done...

But why...why is it that the end of his last relationship might mark the end of this one? Why is it that the things he's done have to end this before it's even begun? Why does he question it after all this time? It's no mystery...it's been beaten into him, written into the infrastructure of his genes, cracked into the foundation of his bones, the lesson was taught to him again and again...so it makes sense.

How many moments have they sat in silence? How long has he been staring at the folds of Eren's shirt? "Eren..." His voice is so powerless, so quiet as the sun sets early in the wintry sky, but the younger man still points his attention toward Levi, watching him with widened eyes and thin, raised eyebrows. "I know I said I wouldn't let you go...but I have to tell you something that might make you change your mind about...everything." About their relationship, about ever laying a hand on his filthy, twisted body, about ever attempting to touch his shattered, muddy heart. Lips falling open to say this, to let Eren know that his decision to leave is almost inevitable, Levi is paused by Eren shaking his head, lips pulling into a quiet smile.

"Let me decide for myself." And lively green watches from across the couch, waiting for whatever it is that Levi has to say.

 

But Levi...he is stalled, his outlined speech interrupted in his head by the thought of the icy blue glaring back at him over the table at the campus coffee shop just yesterday. Only after she made herself known did he feel Annie's presence, watching her sit across from him at his table, setting her iced coffee between them. Poised to strike, motionless eyes watched him as he closed his book, and he felt himself being drawn into her sharp features, the straight line of her rose tinted lips, pointed jaw, long nose, blonde bangs hanging in front of her blunt edged eyebrows and cold gaze. Long, quiet, she let a moment pass before easing the tension of the silence. "He deserves someone so much better than you."

Heart pounding heavily in his chest, Levi couldn't even control the shock shaking into his fingertips, wavering his words, but he wouldn't let himself be provoked, wouldn't be torn down by her biting words. "You think I don't know that? He doesn't take that as an answer..."

If only for a second, her expression changed, lightened like she was hearing something for the first time, making her shift in her seat. "I don't know what happened to you..." Looking away, turning her eyes toward her cup, her voice was quiet, tight coming from her throat. "But don't you think you're becoming exactly what they wanted you to be?" His heartbeat throbbed in the vein in his neck, mind searching for something to say to get her to stop, to quit edging closer to something she knows nothing about...but her eyes, when they turned back, met his gaze, they were wide open, saying something her mouth couldn't manage. "Denying yourself...happiness."

And it was Levi's turn to look away, staring down into his mug at the halfway finished tea, wrapping the string of the tea bag around his finger and dunking it into the water. There was nothing else to say but the truth, so that's what he let slip from behind his teeth. "I'm trying to protect him."

"You don't think you're good enough to be with him? Then make yourself better. Don't be a pawn for the person that hurt you." When he looked up, the indifferent stare had returned to her face, impatient fingers tapping at the edge of her cup as she looked straight through him. "But stop lying to yourself...you're not being selfless by walking away from him. You're afraid of being left, afraid of him proving that you're not worth it, so you don't even want to try."

Afraid...afraid didn't even begin to touch the aching he felt in his chest. Terrified, completely frozen in fear, shaken to his very core, those came closer to how he actually felt...but it wasn't just his fear of being left behind, but the fear of being left behind by the only person he ever really opened up to. "Why are you telling me this?"

Standing, pushing her seat back into the table, she looked down at him through that sharp glare, those ice cold eyes softening around her words. "I owe him my life...I don't want to see him torn apart over this anymore. I have to have some faith in him...he must've chosen you for a reason."

 

"I'll do what's best, Levi." Faith, trust, all this time he's believed that he's given Eren at least that, but now, looking into the patient energy behind his eyes, the gentle smile on his face...he knows he's still been hiding himself. "You can tell me." And he leans forward, wrapping the warmth of his hand around Levi's knee, letting the heat seep beyond the black of his jeans, into the pale skin of his leg, spreading out between the muscle. After all of this, will Eren have the strength to accept him again? Or will their budding relationship fall away to the cold of the impending winter, be swept away by the chill of snow?

"Up until now..." Choking his words back, holding them on his tongue, Levi breathes heavy between them. He's misled him this whole time, said sweet things to get Eren here, and now he'll only break his heart by showing the younger man who he really is. "The last sixteen years...love has only seemed like a weapon, something you feign to get people to do what you want, a way to manipulate." Eren's smile...it fades into his face, turning down into a tight frown, his eyes search Levi's face for a bit of hope, but there's nothing to be found.

"Love to me wasn't safety..." It was an apology from drunken lips as the man that beat him wiped away his tears, washed away the blood, wrapped up the swollen limbs. Maybe it would've been different, would've been better if every touch was laced with malice, but he never really knew what to expect, never really knew which uncle he'd be coming home to, at least at first. "It was an excuse to hit me...because I looked so much like my mother." Unable to look up at Eren, Levi only stares at the gentle hold the younger man retains over his knee. "And I fought back." Every chance he got, every time Kenny came near, once he figured out he could fight, he squirmed beneath his uncle's weight, hurting himself further. "Even when it only made it worse for me, I fought back. It's like I was asking for it..." Eren's fingers squeeze Levi's leg a little, his way of showing that he's there when Levi refuses to look up. "He took care of me, kept me alive, loved me..."

"That's not love." His voice is so stern, so close, bringing Levi back to his place on the couch, drawing him into their present, away from that broken home. "That's abuse."

But he still can't bring it in himself to look up, to see the look on Eren's face. "It's all I knew." From then on...it's all he knew, all he could remember, because he wiped away so much of his mother, erasing her existence, her gentle touch, the melody of her voice, the smile on her face, the care in her heart. "He destroyed so much of the memory of my mother..." Even through the covers of the books he buried himself in, even in the comfort of the libraries where he could hide his bruised face between dusty bookshelves, he couldn’t find anything resembling his mother in the characters and stories he read. He couldn’t find anything resembling himself either...the escape was only momentary, because as soon as he pulled himself from the spine of a book, as soon as he detached himself from the heart of a warm, kind character, he was only left with himself...the empty shell of the boy his mother left, carved out to be filled with resentment, doubt, indifference.

Not much changed when he got himself away from Kenny, because not even thousands of miles of distance could replace what had been erased from him. Work, school, friends, he only searched for something to fill that cavernous hole that had been dug out in his chest, giving all of himself to the task in front of him, growing his book collection, keeping the words of others close. And Farlan...he was more of the same, a spark in his chest, a way to fill the gaps in his heart, whether temporary or constant, he gave himself to it without much questioning.

“I didn’t know what to expect from Farlan.” But was it love or just care he felt for his friend? He anticipated the manipulation, the pain, dreaded the inevitable end. He figured that he would be used a little, that he would use Farlan all the same. “But I didn’t want to hurt him, so I kept my distance.” Tried not to be upset when Farlan took his career choices more seriously than his relationship. Not that it was much of a relationship. He left Levi without a choice in the matter, moved to a different city in a different state with only the promise that they weren’t finished, they weren’t so weak that this would be enough to tear them apart.

And Levi...he had no confidence, no hope for himself so he kept his head down, didn’t put up a fight, he didn’t cry or make a fuss, just watched as Farlan drove off with his belongings packed into his trunk, focused on his work, on his internship at the publishing company, sinking back into a comfortable emptiness, into a familiar loneliness...a place that allowed him to explore the possibility that Farlan was cheating, to prepare himself for the truth, but hearing the words fall from Farlan’s lips, hearing the detached fact of the matter...it made his chest ache in a way he didn’t know possible, made his throat feel tight around his broken breaths.

“When he cheated on me after he moved...I wasn’t surprised.” No, it wasn’t that they rarely spoke, or that Farlan only allowed Levi to visit once, or that he was sleeping with someone else...but that he said nothing. “But it didn’t make it any easier to hear.” Scaly, blue, his eyes were so cold, so far away when he took Levi to his bed for the last time, touched his body like there was no one else under his sheets, held him tight while they slept. Waking, stretching naked in Farlan’s bed, Farlan’s room, he was already out of place, already vulnerable with the thoughts of someone else swarming his head. 

Farlan approached, stood over Levi, made him smaller than he already was, his voice cold, distant. “Maybe if you cared about this at all, I wouldn’t have slept with that guy.” He pushed forward, anger laced in usually calm blue. “You’re emotionless...even now you can't even get pissed about it.”

“I am livid, can't you see that?” Voice ragged from the night before, raised in a heavy anger that sparked in his gut. But he couldn't stop himself, couldn't calm the heat beneath his skin, couldn't stop his body from moving from the bed, pulling on his clothes.

Eren...he shifts in his place on the couch, and this time Levi turns his eyes up, taking in the calm demeanor of his face, the patience behind low eyelids, relaxed eyebrows. And he just looks back, waiting for Levi to continue on, but his heart drowns out his words, his throat feels tight. This isn't about Farlan, it's about what he did, about that fault in his heart, the blood on his hands. “He felt guilty...so he wanted to put the blame on me.” Unable to maintain eye contact, he falls away from Eren's gaze. “He said I never cared...that I was detached.” And he turns his body, moving away from the comfort of Eren's touch, holding his head in his hands. “He pushed me...pushed until I couldn’t think straight.” Because how could he accept Eren's comfort now? “I know it’s no excuse…” After all he's done… “I hit him...more than once, hard...until I calmed down.”

Closed fist, right swing directly to the side of his face, just the way Kenny started out, then one to the gut, to double him over. But it didn't go further than that, because Farlan backed up against the wall, slid down it with his hands clutching where Levi had jabbed. It didn't go any further, he didn't take a handful of Farlan’s hair the way Kenny always did to him, he didn't drag him to the ground, he just crumpled to the floor and clasped his hands to his mouth. Their relationship, their friendship, punctuated by the blow of two punches, by their heavy breathing as they sat on the carpeting, by the one sentence he never wanted to hear. “You really are just like him, aren't you?”

“He told me I was no different from my uncle…” Strength, courage, whatever it is he needs to turn his head, he doesn't have it, he can't face Eren, can't get near him. “He was right, Eren.” But the younger man has moved closer, inched away the space between them, placing his hand on Levi's hunched back.

And his voice, it dances against Levi's ears, flutters in his chest, pulls tight around his throat. “Judging by the way Farlan acted when I met him, I'd say he's forgiven you...and maybe taken a little responsibility for it.” Thumb running against Levi's spine, Eren's touch seeps into his skin, entwines itself around his ribs, stretching into every fiber of his muscle. Eren is here...close, and he's not running away, he's not retreating, not taking the danger that lives in the cavity of Levi's chest seriously.

“That's not the point.” The words feel harsh coming from his lips, they feel hot leaving his throat, and compared to Eren's hand brushing softly against his broken frame, it seems like too much. 

But he can't take it back, he can't retract the anger in his words, and Eren shoulders the weight for him, taking the blame away like he always does. “I know, I know it's not.”

“Everyone else…” His breaths huff from his chest, barely holding the air long enough to keep him upright. “Hanji, Erwin, I keep them far enough away from me. If I gave in they wouldn't end up hurt.” Staring at the way his elbow meets his knee, the way his leg bounces with the nervous energy, his words pour from his mouth, and he takes no care in stopping them. “But you...you're already too close.” He couldn't stop his brain from letting go if he wanted to, so he lets the words roll of his tongue, empty the weight from his chest. “The way you love...it doesn't feel like a weapon. It feels like…” Like summer sunshine on dewy skin, like a warm fireplace on a snowy night, like a story that latches in deep your chest, like a place he thought was erased forever. “Like home.” 

Eren's hand stops moving against his back, paused in place with outstretched fingers, flattened palm. This man, he treats Levi like he's worth so much more than he ever believed, like he's more than just a monster hiding in the shell of a man. “So if I ever hurt you-” Caught in his throat, his breath holds back his words, making his heart pound out of control in his tight chest. “I would never forgive myself.” Tight...so tight that he can't even feel the air in his lungs as he forces it in and out, like the unforgiving hold of his uncle's arms is squeezing him tighter, drenching him in a dense, black fog. And his eyes are already full of tears as the claws of panic dig into his lungs, heaving breaths from his body, dragging him down. How has he avoided it this long? The vision of Eren bruised, bloodied, broken by his own hand, how has he kept it at bay? “I can't-” And the edges of his vision blur as he closes his eyes, cupping his hands over his mouth, and every breath just fills his chest with hazy darkness, crushes him beneath an impossible weight.

“Hey…” Quiet, Eren’s voice reaches out to him, begs to pull him back from the edge of his panic. “Shhh...you’re going to make yourself pass out.” And a wary hand clasps around Levi’s trembling shoulder, gently tugging until he’s released from the grasp of his tension, turning his body toward the panic in Eren’s eyes. “Come here.” But Levi could just as well sink back into the hopeless hold of his anxiety, watching Eren guide him in. “This helps right?” Clasping a hand at his chest, pulling his shirt into his fist, Eren pats against his chest before pulling Levi in, holding him close. Curled into Eren’s lap, Levi can’t help the anxiety that has taken hold of his body, can’t shake the tremors in his chest, the silent sobs wracking through his crumpled frame. “Just breathe with me. Listen to my heart.” Eren...his voice is level, calm, and his breaths move evenly through his chest, swelling on each deep intake, shrinking with every exhale, and his arms squeeze tight around Levi, the warmth of his body wrapping around Levi’s every nerve, releasing tension with every second. Thrumming quickly behind Eren’s ribcage, his heart beats rhythmically next to Levi’s ear, drawing him closer to calm.

Pliable, docile, Levi moves with Eren, lying between the back cushions of the couch and the warmth of Eren’s hold, letting a final shuddered breath from his chest, regaining a bit of composure in the space Eren carved out for him between his arms. “I’ve screwed up at every junction with you...why do you still comfort me?” 

Tears have fallen from his eyes, soaked up by the thick black fabric of Eren’s sweatshirt, but it doesn’t seem to matter to the younger man as he takes in a deep breath, searching the silence for what he wants to say. “Because that’s what you do for the person you love.”

Love...the word moves so easily from Eren’s tongue, falls so gently on Levi’s ears, but why? How could someone so sweet fall for someone so bitter? “How can you still feel that way about me despite all I've done?” Pulling Eren’s sweatshirt into his hands, crumpling the fabric between his fingers, Levi ignores the static of his left arm as it begins to fall asleep beneath his weight, ignores the ache in his shoulder, just listens to the honeyed warmth of Eren’s words reverberating through his chest.

“Would you still want to protect me if you knew how many fights I got in during high school? If you knew the things I’ve said to my parents when they couldn’t support me, or the things I’ve done in a desperate attempt to feel important?”

“Of course…” None of those things could change the way he sees Eren, the way he perceives the heat of his touch, because every minute, every aching, agonizing minute that Eren endured, every happy memory that he holds dear, every bit of that brought him here, made him into the gentle man that Levi got lucky enough to meet.

“Levi, you’ve never even raised your voice at me...never lifted a finger to do anything but bring me comfort, pleasure.” Entwining into the knotted, straight locks of dark hair, Eren lets his fingers wander across Levi’s neck, up against his scalp, spreading his warmth everywhere across Levi’s body. “Those things made you who you are, but you choose every day to be kind and gentle and sweet.” Intoxicated by the words that fall from Eren’s lips, the way they radiate from his chest, Levi breathes heavily into the space between them, relaxing the tension from his muscles with a long breath as Eren continues. “Sometimes...we fall in love with people who bring out the worst in us.” Uninterrupted, Eren’s fingers draw a quietness into Levi’s hairline, easing the stress, the strain of his memories as he lets his own thought trail from his lips with a simple energy. “They expect too much, expect perfection, and unwavering confidence...and they give insecurities, they make you think it’s your fault that nothing is working out...they want you to be able to fly while secretly hoping you’ll fall.” 

A deep breath, an almost inaudible hum from deep inside his chest, Eren continues with a tightness in his arms as they wrap a little tighter around Levi. “And sometimes...you get lucky enough to fall in love with people who make you want to be better…” What does his face look like right now? Is the hint of a smile that Levi hears really present on his dark pink lips? Are fiery, green eyes really lit up with energy like Levi hopes? “They don’t expect anything from you, except maybe your time, your smile, your heart...they don’t expect you to fly, but hell, they make you wish you could…” Because Levi can feel every movement of Eren’s hands, can feel their warmth reaching deep beneath his clothes, absorbing into his cold skin, his listless heart, bringing him to life with a fire waking in his every muscle. “And they make you want to chase after dreams you thought you’d given up on, make you want to be a better man than you ever thought you could…” Spreading out against his lower back, Eren’s hand pulls Levi closer, his words aching in the minuscule space between them, moving like electricity between his fingers. “They make you want to never skip class, just so you have a chance to see them during the week.” Short, small, a kiss is placed on the top of Levi’s head, moving shivers across his scalp, crawling down his spine. “That’s what you do for me.”

And Levi...he’s already made his choice...already made up his mind, already convinced his hesitant heart. Before this, he never thought of the implications of his actions, only the rush of being so close, so intimate with someone so warm, so bright. He only thought of the heat of skin on skin, the energy of words unspoken, the want behind their lips, under their clothes, uncertainty and questioning torn away by hasty fingertips edging under the hems of shirts, meaningful grasps on zippers, buttons, scarves. 

But this...this feels so different. Loving Eren...it feels so different. It's like he could dive into him, let Eren absorb completely, let himself be torn apart, let Eren rebuild him. And he would...wouldn't he? Wouldn't he soak Levi to the bone, wash him clean, make his memories just that...fight off his doubt, light up every darkened corner of Levi’s past. Eren...he isn’t whole himself...he’s tortured by the doubts of his family, tamed by expectations, pacified by his desire to please others. The younger man suppresses his heart, forgets about his own needs in pursuit of everyone else’s smile...but Levi doesn’t want to take advantage of that, doesn’t want to wear Eren’s undying energy out, no. He wants to be the one to set Eren free...to be the one to return energy to Eren’s tired bones, to give him a place to rest his overworked muscles, to recharge his humble heart, his disciplined thoughts, to preserve the creative world behind shimmery green.

He’s already made his choice. He wants to let Eren take him over, to let Eren give him life, and he wants to do the same. There is no turning back, no second guessing, so he takes a deep breath into his shaky chest, feels the weight of Eren’s words press out the reluctance behind his heart. And Levi speaks, making sure his words are firm, full as they fall from his mouth into the space between them.

“I love you...you know that, right?”

No longer having to guess, no longer having to wonder what Eren’s face looks like, Levi looks up as Eren pulls away, watches the shock move through the soft features of Eren’s face, watches tears well up in wild, green eyes. Propped up on his elbow, plump, deep pink lips hang open around his words. “Say it again.” 

And Eren's heartbeat races steadily in his chest, pounding against Levi's palms, but Levi can hardly feel it over his own heart, his own disbelief, his own giddiness. “I love you. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to say it.” Sorry it took so long to realize just how invaluable something like this could be, sorry it took so long to release the truth, to trust someone enough to bare his flaws.

But time means nothing now, days and weeks and months move like energy between them as Eren moves over Levi, his body pressing Levi into the couch. “Again.”

Months...months of pining, wishing, dreaming, months with thoughts of a bright-eyed man with the light of the world in his heart and the weight of the world on his shoulders. Months of wishing he was whole enough to crack his chest, to expose his darkness, to embrace his feelings. And it all comes down to this… “I love you, Eren.” To the groggy tone in his voice, the heavy beating in his chest, the tears that have spilled from Eren's eyes down his smiling cheeks, and the warmth of the younger man's forehead as he presses it into Levi's, meeting his gaze. It feels too good to be true, like he's still stuck in a daydream, lost in a thought of a hazy warmth, an undying acceptance, like reality is just on the other side of the truth. “And you?”

“You still have to ask?” Sultry, sticky with energy, Eren's voice draws him in, fills his ears with a harmonious timbre as he nods. Neediness fills his mouth, thoughtless begging dancing on his tongue, but Eren won't make him wait...Eren won't leave him hungry, starving for warmth, thirsty for attention, he's been waiting too long himself. “I love you, Levi.”

“Kiss me.” It’s been days. Days. But it feels like a lifetime...a lifetime of should-haves, of regrets, of guilt, a lifetime of anxious fingers, tight chests, pounding hearts, of tight throats and dry mouths, of sickness, emptiness...a lifetime’s worth of loneliness. So when their lips meet, it doesn’t feel like they were together days ago. When their tongues move past parted lips, it feels like it’s been forever since he’s tasted the sweet tinge on Eren’s tongue, and he’s surprised by the intensity, welcomes it, uses every bit of his energy to remember it, to store it away. And his fingers, they struggle to stay steady as they pull Eren’s sweatshirt into his fists, but Eren doesn’t notice, just focuses his kiss, holds Levi’s head in his hands until neither of them can breathe anymore, drowning in heat, in panted breaths. Through those heavy breaths, those stunted thoughts, Levi begs with all he can manage, holding tight against Eren. “Stay with me.” 

And the split second it takes for Eren to answer feels like an eternity, but the answer is enough to stop Levi’s heart in his chest, enough to keep him breathing forever. “Always.” Dark pink lips, they hang open around his breath, and half-lidded green stares down at him with fever, with released intention. 

The weight of Eren's heart, the intensity behind his tongue, the impossibility of his words, Levi wants to feel it through the ridges of Eren's fingertips, in every crease of tanned skin, in the weight of large palms and the hold of steady arms, he wants to press at the space between them until there's nothing left. “Touch me.” His chest is rattled, breath barely pressed from his lungs, because he wants to be absorbed into Eren's body, graced with light and heat until the sting of his mistakes can no longer hurt him, until his memories, his scars are nothing but a side note to pleasure, to acceptance, to the neediness in his heart. And Eren bends to his request without obligation, drawing heavy kisses against the soft skin of Levi's neck, leaving wet marks from teeth and tongue, hot breaths and heavy hands holding Levi down, anchoring him in reality, in anticipation, in desire with the weight of his entire world pressing against him. Jittery fingers and pale hands lack the strength to communicate his desperation as they press into Eren's back, holding him close. “Don’t let go.”

“Never.” Rough, gritty, Eren's voice soaks into Levi's skin with the scrape of teeth, the arch of Eren's back, the sliding of his hands down Levi’s chest, fists full of his shirt.

Eren tugs at Levi’s sweater, his shirt, untucking them from his pants, drawing heavy fingers against his abdomen, and the heat of their skin, the spark of their sweat, it pulls a groan from his needy lips. “Ahh-nn, Eren…” Straight, tall, Eren pulls his shoulders back, fiery eyes looking down at Levi's heaving chest, his patience waning beneath his skin. And Levi can only grasp at Eren's shirt as he runs the backs of his fingernails up Levi's thighs, scraping against the fabric of his jeans as he wraps himself around the younger man. “I need you...closer.” Because he's falling apart with every second, melting at the brush of Eren's fingertips creeping past his belt, moving goosebumps over the skin of his hips, aching in his muscles as Eren slips his hand under Levi, pulls him up by the small of his back, dragging him closer, pulling him into his pelvis. “I can’t wait-”

And Eren draws his hand up Levi’s spine, making him bend to his will, bringing his lips closer with intoxicating words on his tongue. “I want to do this right.” Deep in his chest, unearthed by feigned control, a growl moves from Eren’s throat as he grinds their bodies together, incites the friction of jeans and the tugging of clothes. “I’m losing my grip…” Because Levi isn’t the only one dismantled at the very core, isn't the only one wasted on possibility, voice wrecked, passion and heat and neediness buzzing at every connection of skin.

“Take me to bed.” Not a second of hesitation impedes Eren's movements as he drags Levi from the couch, and Levi wraps himself around Eren, sucking and kissing on the younger man’s neck as he’s carried clumsily through the hallway, tossed heavily onto the bed. And neither of them is thinking, neither of them driven by logic as Eren crawls on top of him without discarding any clothes. It's unbearable, the little space between them, barely a breath of air in the inch between their chests as they pant. It's too far, the seconds between kisses, the pulling away to tear at clothes, the soft whir of Eren’s sweatshirt and tshirt in one swift motion, the frustrated tugging at Levi’s sweater. They're tangled in bunched up clothes and folds of blankets, limbs hooked, fingers entwined into belt loops and the buttons of shirts, laced in soft hair, in each other's hands, and it’s the most enticing thing Levi has ever experienced.

“I need you…” But it isn’t sex...it’s intimacy, it’s closeness, it’s Eren. It’s feeling every living cell in his body being rejuvenated by light, fed by warmth. If all of his other actions were to show Eren he was making a mistake, to push him away, this is one formed to make him stay, to trap him here. No, that’s wrong...he’s so fucked up, so turned around. He doesn’t want to trap Eren here against his will...he wants Eren to stay because that’s what he’s always wanted. He wants Eren to stay because being without him makes it hard to breathe. Levi is bent as Eren gently unhinges every button of Levi’s shirt, placing a kiss on Levi’s skin at each new opening. And Levi unbuckles Eren’s belt, along with his own, working at the buttons of jeans and the zippers holding them back. 

Finally, Levi is freed from every button, removed from himself as Eren leans in, hands weighing into the mattress on either side of Levi’s chest. Words aren’t so easy to come by, the truth is so heavy falling from his tongue, but the space, the distance between them, he wants it gone, ripped away and discarded forever. “Eren…” Fierce, feral, lush green looks down at him, flexing around deep, dark black, soaking up Levi's doubts, feeding on his every need, filling his face and chest with a hot blush. “...make love to me?”

Dark pink lips curve into a smile, plump and bitten and perfect as Eren looks down at him, easing his embarrassment, solidifying his need with the words that fall seamlessly between them. “I always do.”

Light splays across the ceiling, warm and bright from the lamps on the bedside table, drawing shadows in the corners of his vision. And he is stalled with his heart pounding a dizzying rhythm against his ribcage, the anxious energy daring to carve out a place in his gut, wrap numbing fingers around his organs, stretch an itching heat in his diaphragm, lace into his every cavity, his every cell until there's nothing left. Any other time, he'd let himself fall prey to that darkness, that crippling hold of the unseen panic inside his body, he'd let himself be devoured by the anguish in his head...but he reaches out, wraps his fingers into Eren's hair, allows himself to search for comfort, to ask for help, to beg to be pulled from the danger of his mind by the one person who ever could. “Again...please.”

Vulnerable and bare and exposed, panic and fear ebbs, time and distance exist only in the back of their minds as Eren nods, and the world falls away to the green-eyed gaze tucked behind stray brown hairs, the Earth sways and stills beneath the pressure of a kiss, and Levi...his desire to be wiped away by the weight of Eren’s body, to be melted by the force of Eren’s energy, to be someone’s everything...it swells beneath his skin, wracks from his lungs in a deep sigh. The momentum doesn't dwindle, the intensity doesn’t wane, because between blushing faces, flushed chests, and begging, bitten lips, one thought remains. One thought...it moves them without logic, without rationality or reason, it drives Levi to a groan as Eren roughly tugs the jeans from Levi's body, ridding him of his underwear, leaving him ruffled in only his unbuttoned shirt against the pillows to reach for the drawer. One thought...it hasn't subsided, hasn't left them for a second, hasn't moved from their buzzing skin, their heaving chests...just close the distance, erase the space, crush their failures, their mistakes, their time apart beneath a weighted touch, a gentle brush of tanned fingers over a pale thigh, a purposeful hand hooking the back of his knee and pressing it to his chest. 

Quick, deliberate, Eren’s every move is marked by a clenched jaw, a bitten lip, a forced breath, tearing at a condom with his teeth, rolling it over his cock with a sigh, popping the cap of the lube with a struggle. And Levi could beg, could let the filth fall from his tongue, but he defaults to Eren's tempo, his rhythm, because the younger man falls into him, pressing his leg tighter against his chest, smothering the groan from his chest with a kiss. Because he's lost between patience and pleading, racing toward the height of pleasure with only the slick pressure of Eren's fingers, the weight of his body, the nuzzling of his face into the crook of Levi's neck. Lost in the details of every movement, every pause, every breath...because the energy takes form in the sweat shining on their heated skin, moves like air, cool against his neck, as Eren holds himself above Levi, forms like a bit of emptiness inside him when Eren pulls out his fingers, a core that’s always existed inside his heart, a space he’s always been too crippled to fill. Marred and mangled and twisted, he closed any entry, blocked off access with shattered glass, frayed metal, sealed it with scar tissue. But there were cracks, fractures in the barrier he half-heartedly constructed, and although the shadows growing inside him couldn’t seep out, streams of light peeked through, splayed into him, reaching like fingers around his broken frame, tearing him into consciousness, into reality and out of his head.

It all seems so unreachable now, because Eren watches over him with a heaving chest, a tilted smile, an undying patience, because strands of green and flecks of gold come alive around deep black pupils, tracing every bare piece of Levi's body, landing with fever right in his gaze, because every bit of Eren pours with light and heat and passion, aching and inching and swelling toward the thing they both need most...connection, comfort, consummation of everything they've been leading up to.

And there is no verbal warning that slips from Eren's lips, only the tactful movements, the way the younger man has wrapped their bodies, entwined their limbs, presses their chests together, the digging of Eren's fingers into Levi's ass cheeks, spreading them apart and pressing in just enough to catch the breath in Levi's throat. Teasing, tantalizing, Eren draws himself all the way out, pressing in again and again until he's got Levi in a huff. Restraint falling a little with each thrust, Eren grips onto his control with tension in his shoulders, a held breath, holding back with a cruel consistency, resigning himself to winding Levi up so tight that he can’t hold back his voice, so worked up that he can’t bear anymore.

Because the teasing, the agonizing swipe of Eren’s tongue against his neck, the unhurried touches, it all makes this so much more satisfying, makes the heavy weight of Eren’s hands pressed into the mattress all the more dizzying, makes the curve in Eren’s spine, the tilt of his head, the soft lids falling over his eyes, the lip bitten white between his teeth as he buries himself completely into Levi… “Ah-Eren…nngh yes.” It makes every quake of pleasure beneath his skin so clear, makes the collapsing space between them so sharp, makes the heat of their bodies overwhelming and staggering and absolutely fucking perfect. And there is no more difference between reality and the daydreams in his head, there is no more difference between his desire and what Eren will give him as the younger man’s dark eyelashes part to the fire of his gaze, the enormity of the lust in his eyes. The chill of the air outside the darkened windows, the sweat soaking wrinkles into his shirt, the hot blush of his face, none of that matters as a sigh moves from Eren’s chest, as something snaps behind his stare.

There is no fear sparked in Levi’s chest, no reluctance, no hesitancy as he wraps his legs tight around Eren, pulling him closer until he is overcome by a dull pain, a sharp pleasure, until he can’t tell the difference between the two, until he feels the cold sweat on his skin with the shift behind Eren’s eyes, the movement of his hips. He’s seen it before, the caged ferocity held at bay by expectation, the untamed energy pinned beneath Eren’s smile, restrained under his polite demeanor...the restless pain, the viciousness of passion...and Levi wants all of it. Because to be devoured by that monster, to succumb to Eren’s will...to show Eren it’s okay to be selfish, to chase after his own pleasure...it will be the easiest thing Levi has ever done, to indulge the heat beneath Eren’s skin, to lure out his unkempt desires, because their pleasure, their connection, it’s one in the same. 

“Ah...nnngh Eren-” So he lets his voice shake from his chest, press from his lips with every thrust of Eren’s hips, feels the fingerprinted bruises being roughly pressed into the skin of his thighs, revels in every second of the attention, the rolling of Eren’s hips, the curve of his back, the tension in his shoulders, the look in his eyes when the words roll from Levi’s lips between heavy breaths. “I love you.” Every inch, every freckle, scar, and fold, every unforeseen memory, every hidden pain, he loves every detail without question, without doubt, without reluctance. “I love you-”

Overcome by Eren’s lips, he drowns in the heat of Eren’s kiss, the sweetness of his tongue, loses himself to the rhythm of the younger man’s thrust as he grinds into him, the warmth of his breath, the heavy growl in his chest. And every inch of Levi is swept away as he lets that undying heat overcome him, as he feels the hot blush radiate through his face, his chest, feels the sweltering warmth of Eren’s touch, the blaze in the connection of their skin, the scorching of Eren’s tongue trailing against Levi’s neck, the scraping and biting of teeth against his collarbone, his shoulders, his chest, anywhere Eren can find purchase, every fucking bit of him burns with a fever that he never wants to come down from. So he digs his fingernails into Eren’s shoulders, tugs against his movements, lets his head feel dizzy with heat, foggy with delirium as he engraves lines into the curve of Eren’s back, embeds his own marks into Eren’s skin.

It’s clumsy...needy, the way he clings to Eren, but it’s welcome, it’s safe as he blinks away the shadows in his vision. Those things can't touch him now, the voices can call out to him all they want, can try to lure him in, because the words fall on deaf ears, the doubts, the uncertainty, the loss and pain and anguish...it's all fallen from his consciousness. Threats that slipped from Kenny's mouth have dislodged from his head, the certainty of his failure in any relationship, the constant berating, it's all seeped like sweat from his skin, moved from his pores, taken and whisked away by the breaths from Eren's lips. Criticisms, faults, the words he convinced himself of, they've all ached from his chest on the edge of moans, fallen listless against the threads of the sheets beneath their bodies. And the beast within his chest, the one alive in his gut, the one he thought responsible for his fears, his rage, it shakes in his body, all but subdued by the heat in Eren's eyes, the affection on his tongue. Urgency, need, the monster isn't a piece of his pain lodged between the ventricles of his heart...it's a pressing lack, a hunger so deep, a yearning so profound. It's the only feeling he can pinpoint, the only movement he can manage when he reaches up and pushes his palms into the headboard, driving himself into Eren's thrusts, holding as steady as his shaking arms will allow to feel the way every touch, every movement fills his neediness, his insatiable desire.

“Nnngh...ah!” And the impact of Eren’s movement brings the abrupt curve to his spine, the way Eren slips his hand beneath his back, maintaining the curve, the bend, the perfect position paired with the perfect touch, and Levi’s fingers slip from the headboard, his hold betrays him, his voice aches in breaths and halts in his throat. “So...so good. Eren-ah!” All he can do is hide his face in the crook of his elbow, hold on a little bit longer when all his body wants to do is give in to the jolting heat of Eren’s touch. “Ahmmm-” Ceaseless, only driven by Levi’s undignified calls, his unrefined tongue, the broken syllables and pieces of words stretching through his raw throat. “Mmmm.” Eren is unstoppable, unrestrained, uncontrolled...pressing endlessly into Levi, harsh and quick and heavy, bearing down into him, grinding at his swollen prostate, unrelenting, incessant.

But there is no holding back as Eren closes in on him, as he gently removes Levi’s arm from his face, meeting his gaze. “I love you…” And his smile tugged with a bitten lip as he wraps his hand around Levi’s cock, rubbing the tip and pushing deep inside with Levi’s dissolution on his lips. “Cum for me.”

Chopped by harsh breaths, a dull moan creaks from his chest as Eren moves around him, inside him, every touch devoted to unraveling the tension in his muscles, every tilt of Eren's hips dedicated to unhinging the remainder of his control, pushing and pressing and overcoming Levi's every cell, drenching him in sweat, drowning him in light, burning him up until there's nothing left. “Ahh-hah.” Nothing left but the heat spreading from Eren's body, the way it radiates beneath Levi's skin, awakens his every nerve ending in a fiery pleasure that only Eren could ever achieve. “Eren…” And chills move through his spine, ache in his hips as goosebumps scatter across his skin when Eren looks into him, energy gleaming from illuminated green.

And his body, his heart, his entire being is overcome, consumed by the strength of Eren’s presence, his command over the room, the alertness in his face...because the smile lines worn into the corners of his lip punctuate his smile, deepen with the white of teeth digging into his lip, the way dark pink parts to a gasp as Levi feels his body tightening around him, the way his whole body is swept away by heat, throbbing and shaking out of his control. But those eyes...they flutter behind long, dark eyelashes, they watch Levi, sifting through every detail in a split second, drawing lines over his face, his rattled chest, his exhausted body, green and gold moving, alive...etching life into Levi’s skin, letting it seep into his bloodstream, ache through his veins, crash through his heart.

Those arms, they ease Levi back into the mattress, heavy against the pillow, against reality, but those lips, soft and swollen, part against Levi’s as hot breaths dance between them, the pressure of his tongue, the weight of his body as he lays into Levi, it all lifts him up. And his chest, dizzy and light, pounds heavily with his heartbeat against Eren, throbbing for him as he pulls away to rid of the condom. “Let's get this shirt off of you.” Dampened with sweat, anchored by pleasure, Levi lets Eren pull him from the bed and peel the shirt from his arms, empty and cold without the heat of Eren’s skin.

But Eren is close, hovering over Levi as he lays back into the pillows, breath whisking chills over pale skin, eyes pulling blush into Levi’s face and chest, and the touch...slow, weighty fingertips pressing gently against the forming bruises brought on by unrestrained teeth, unchecked desires. “Sorry, I went a little overboard.” Guilt flexes in shimmery green as he looks at his work, a fear of being a reminder of pain, but pride moves through dilated black at the sight.

Levi can see it move within him, can see the balance tip further toward regret, but there is no fault in the splotched bruising, no pain in the pleasure brought on by Eren’s tongue, his teeth, no disgrace in the way he’s making Levi his. “More.” The word slips from his lips, falls into the space between them as Eren looks up. It’s so simple, the ease of the word, the effect of its gravelly warmth against Eren’s ears. “More...” The curve in Eren’s lips, the warmth of his hands spreading out over pale skin, the impossible heat emanating from ferocious green as Eren moves in...it’s dizzying as teeth grace skin, dazing as pain is pressed into his flesh, nipped against bone, colored into muscle, kissed away by soft lips and a slick tongue. Every second, every tantalizing touch, every twinge of soreness and ease of breath run together as Eren cleans off every drop of cum, revives his cock, ignites his chest.

Because his need has never subsided, his desperate want aching under his skin as Eren moves over him. "More...I need more." And his body will give out before he's had enough of this heat, enough of Eren's touch, enough of this love to dull the fear of emptiness in his heart.

But the same energy moves through Eren's fingertips as he coaxes Levi onto his right side, caging the older man between his steady arms, drawing his bottom lip against Levi's ear and forcing a chill through his bare body. The same energy shakes in his voice, hot and sweet next to Levi's ear, dancing against his neck. "Me too.”

It doesn't matter how needy he is, because Eren is the same, he is ruled by the heavy beating in his chest, driven by fear and lust and love. So he bends to Eren's touch, angling his left knee by the instruction of Eren's fingers, turning his chest, watching Eren roll on another condom from over his shoulder. Their limbs tangle as Eren positions himself, their skin sparks as the younger man holds his hip steady, and Levi fights the urge to bury his face in the pillows as Eren bites the corner of his lip and presses in. And there is no pause, no break in the movement as their eyes meet, just the warmth of tanned fingers pushing bruises into the flesh of his ass, the bone of his hip, the sticky sound where their skin meets, the visible sweat formed beneath Eren's hair, and the hum emanating like a growl from Eren's chest. 

And Eren moves closer, hand sinking into the mattress near Levi's back, the energy behind his eyes reading every movement in Levi's face. It's present in the way his eyelids hang lazily open, the way his lips part to his breath, the way his face is hot with blush and his hair has fallen out of place...and all he wants is to be devoured, to be engulfed in the flames that rage where their bodies meet. Eren's voice is as thick as the air around them, weighted with hunger. “It's hard to go easy on you when you're looking at me like that.”

“Don't hold back…” He’s said it before, begged Eren not to hide anything from him, to touch and tear and feel every inch of his body, to bury himself in this intoxicating heat, to give himself to the movements, the moment. But that was so long ago...before Levi realized what he was sending away, before Levi decided to give himself away, wholly and fully. “I want all of you.” Wants to be taken over, to be dissolved under Eren’s gaze, made a mess at the end of his touch, fucked until he can’t take it anymore, loved until he knows nothing else. 

Only Eren can achieve it, only Eren could pair such a rough hold with such a long, precise thrust, only Eren could lose himself in the movements while still completely aware of Levi’s needs, only Eren could look so perfect with shoulders shrugged, arms pressed hard on either side of Levi’s body. And the turn of his hips...the increased speed of his thrusts, the way he uses his entire body, the leverage of his knees, the pull of the sheets beneath his fingers...fuck. It’s too much, too perfect, and it edges obscene noises from Levi’s mouth, digs them up from deep inside his gut, dislodges them from his lungs, catching every course syllable in his throat. Grabbing the pillow beside him, tugging it into his chest, burying his face, he loses himself to the heat, the uneven rhythm of Eren’s thrusts, letting the indecent noises absorb into the pillows, the sheets, the air of the room as a background to the sound of Eren’s breathing, the lewd smack of skin, the controlled rumbling from deep inside the younger man’s chest.

Composed, contained, Eren holds the discipline of desire tight between his teeth, pulling out of Levi, coaxing him up with a soft touch, a firm word. “Up on your knees.” And Levi moves as fast as his trembling body will let him, straightens his back with a long breath, holds tight onto the headboard as Eren moves behind him. Legs tangled, hips held steady, Eren pushes until their skin is flush, heaving their bodies together, letting out a pleased hum, as Levi uses his hold to press back against every movement, forcing Eren deeper, closer.

Why does something they’ve done so many times feel so different? Because this...it’s never felt quite like this before. Breath teases the back of his neck, swirls like smoke around every vertebrae down his spine, hot, chilling every pore, running shivers of pleasure across his shoulder blades, his hips, his ribs. And every lurch of Eren’s body, every brush of skin, every time Eren presses himself as deep as possible, Levi’s throat is overcome with a groan. Limbs, fingers, voice, they waver under his control, shaking, exhausting themselves with every sudden curve of his spine, every drive of Eren’s cock. Reality might just fall away as he grips hard onto the headboard, because as far as he’s concerned, the world has stopped turning, time has stopped moving forward, but he can still feel it buzzing against his skin, it vibrates in his bones, pleasure tearing through him with every movement, forcing a tremor in his chest.

“Ah! Nnnn...fuck.” Hold faltering, elbows buckling, Levi does all he can to hold himself up, rasping breaths moving from his chest with hunched shoulders, fingers going numb with their hold over the top of the headboard, pressing the top of his head against it. How many times have they come together, torn the clothes from each other’s skin, fallen into each other? How many times have they escaped the world together, held each other up? Clinging to the headboard, searching for stability against Eren’s movements, a gasp moves from his chest as the heat of Eren’s hands moves from his hips, wraps around his torso, hauling his weakened body up, pressing his back firmly against Eren’s chest. 

“Hold onto me.” Breathy, wrecked against Levi’s ear, Eren’s voice moves Levi to grasp onto the younger man’s arm, to feel the shock of pleasure radiate through his body as Eren pushes him closer to his limit. He ignores the world around him, ignores the pain aching in his hip, just latches onto Eren, lets himself be surrounded by the sultry heat of Eren’s groans, the way they vibrate his entire chest, the way their bodies shift and stir and shake together. “Levi…” And it’s so sudden, so unexpected, how quickly he stumbles over the edge with Eren’s touch, his perfectly placed grip, the stunning electricity behind grazing fingertips, the constant, consistent heave of hips, drag of palms, the impact of the thought that crawls up his spine with a chill...

Shaking through him, a breath punctuates his downfall, nails digging into Eren’s arm, heart beating endlessly in his chest, heat drawing lines of goosebumps over his skin, both of them dissolved to the broken cry of each other’s names. It’s so different...so new to him, because for once he isn’t alone. He is carried, toppled over the edge followed close behind by the pleasure of his lover, and there is no delay, no halt in his thoughts...Eren won’t allow it now, so as they pull apart, Eren’s lips grace him with a kiss, his tongue moves to soothe his anxious thoughts, and his arms wrap tight around Levi’s exhausted body. “I love you, Levi.”

Seated among the crumpled sheets, the discarded clothing, Levi leans his weight into Eren’s arms, unafraid of judgement or teasing, letting his words fall carelessly onto Eren’s bare skin. “So good…” Because his body is heavy, but his chest is airy as the light flows like energy through their skin, seeping warmth into the parts of his body rendered useless a long time ago. “Loving you...feels so good.”

Patience and kindness and acceptance, it seeps from Eren’s pores as he tilts Levi’s chin up, heat and care and love aching from the deep, dark greens in his eyes. “You make me so happy.” And truth, devotion, the sum of the last few months, it all turns up in the curve of dark pink lips, the way they part for a kiss, the way they press gently against Levi’s, his heavy heart pounding in his chest. “How about a bath?” He needs no convincing, no persuasion, because his body is heavy with the exhaustion of the past few weeks, worn out by tension, fatigued by worry and doubt and loneliness...and he can imagine Eren’s is more of the same. So he uses what little energy he has left to take Eren’s hand, to lead him to the bathroom, faltering in his steps on his strained body, holding onto Eren for support.

And support comes in the form of a smile, a look from gentle eyes, alive and awake, it comes in the form of quiet words, the timbre of Eren’s voice, the movement beneath his tanned skin. “Stay right there.” So Levi does just that, he lets his dazed thoughts roam as he watches the bathtub fill, breathes as he feels the water flow hot over his fingers from out of the tap, returning to his aching body as Eren returns with the dirty sheets and puts them in the hamper in the corner of the bathroom. Unwearied hands help Levi into the tub, gripping the side before sliding himself into the hot water, and they settle in the heat, watching over each other as muscles are eased and minds are left to wander.

But something has been left unsaid, certainties left untouched, so Levi accepts Eren’s hand, turns his body to lean his back into Eren’s chest, tucks himself into the tight hold of Eren’s arms. And he just can’t get his thoughts straight...can’t form the words over the worry in his head, because every time he thinks he has a hold on it, every time he thinks he's figured it out, it trips him up, grabs him from the deep recesses of his thoughts, reaches out from the darkness, calls him in. It can’t reach him though, not here, not now, because the weight of Eren’s touch, the movement of fingertips rubbing comfort into his legs, it eases the knot caught in his throat, loosens the insecurity from his lips. “Eren…” Steadying his voice from his chest, he waits as Eren hums an acknowledgement of his name, leans on Eren for the courage to unearth the words from deep in his chest, finds energy in the soft hold of Eren’s arms to let the selfish words breathe from his body. “You’re mine, right?” 

Dampened fingers raise to tilt his head back, to reveal the worry ever-present in his eyes as his heart pounds in his chest. The answer couldn’t possibly slip from them now, could it? Warmth comes in the form of a smile, comfort in the blushed red in the curves of Eren’s cheeks, the bridge of his freckled nose, relief...it comes in the tone of Eren’s voice, the way it reverberates through his chest, echoing through Levi’s body. “I’m all yours.” Happiness...it comes as a promise, a swelling energy from dilated green. “For as long as you’ll have me, I’m yours.”

And he has no way of knowing where the sensation begins, only that it overcomes him like the embrace of the sun, the warmth of the rays blushing his pale skin, the twinge of life surging deep within his gut, breaths surging their way to the surface. To be wanted, to be cared for, loved, happy...could he make Eren feel the same with so few words? Could the truth that moves like goosebumps across his skin radiate across the space between their lips, pull Eren in, draw more happiness in the corner of his mouth, the folds of his eyelids, the heat of his eyes? “What if I want you forever?” 

Inexhaustible, the energy shines from heavy-lidded green, beams through a bitten lip, emanates through every connection of their skin, the light that breathes life into him, forms giddiness like bubbles in his gut. “Then you’re stuck with me forever.”

Stuck…cemented and seeping deep within the cracks of his foundation, filling the framework, steadying his bones. Stuck like the pieces of his shattered heart, his broken confidence, held and glued together with precise hands, devoted fingers. Two lives fixed to one another...entombed in each other’s arms, sheltered in care and comfort and warmth. “Good.” Stuck, affirmed in the bliss that holds his chest as Eren places a kiss on his forehead. 

Heart light, head dizzy, he revels in every touch, every instruction from Eren’s lips, letting the fatigue and tension escape him as Eren gently scrubs shampoo into thick black. How did he grow to be such a gentle man? How did he gain such a compassionate tongue? “Tilt your head back for me.” Such a tender force behind his touch, such a pleasant method in his hands as he rubs fragrant bubbles from Levi’s soapy hair, such an affectionate smile laid beautifully beneath peaceful green...how did Levi get so lucky to see the kind-hearted look in his eyes, to get to soak up the extra energy he puts forth? 

Reveling in the warmth, the light friction between his scalp and Eren’s fingertips, he closes his eyes, feels the way his body sways in the water, the way his face is cool against the air as the rest of him floats just beneath the surface, holding himself steady on Eren’s knees. Safety wraps around him as he opens his eyes to Eren’s smile, security binding him with the hold of Eren’s arms, protection and certainty blanketing him with the heat from Eren’s eyes.

They remain there until each of them is clean, until the water runs cold against their skin, until their fingers are wrinkled and goosebumps prickle their skin. Every moment feels heavy, weighted with their breaths, the way Eren moves, the curve in his elbow as he rubs his hair dry, the dips in his abdomen underlined by the towel tied around his waist. Leaning up against the counter, he feels the cool drops of water fall from his hair, draw shivers against his skin as they land against his shoulders, his neck, just watching as Eren meets his gaze, brown hair sticking every which way on his head. 

Closing in, Eren crosses the bathroom tile on bare feet, grabbing the other towel he set out and placing it over Levi's head, gently soaking up the water from deep black. “You’ll feel better when you’re dry.” This moment...Levi could lose himself in this moment, forget everything else with the view of Eren's tanned skin through the movement of the towel, the dip between collar bones, the soft movements of his arms as he lifts the towel away.

Blotting away the drops on Levi's face, Eren pauses, frozen as the words spill from the older man's lips. “I don’t think I can feel much better than this.” Because his chest is so full that it might burst, it was never made to contain this much warmth, this much happiness, never meant to take such a beating from his thrumming heart. It's wrong to feel this good, uncharted and unknown and wrong, because there must be a limit, must be some downfall...the backlash from feeling this good is all he's ever known.

But all he's ever known is slowly being filled up with thoughts of an inexhaustible energy, an untapped happiness, a future at the end of this smiling, green gaze, a lifetime wrapped up in the warmth of Eren’s words. “You can...I’ll show you.” A forever embraced by a kiss with the heat of the summer sun, an existence marked with a new beginning as Eren takes his hand and leads him down the hallway.

Belief, trust, it drives Levi forward, relaxes his anxious thoughts, because Eren has set him free more times than he can count...Eren has released him of his doubts, washed away his pain, stood up against his past. It could only ever be Eren, so why wouldn’t he believe? Comfort...it comes in the form of watching Eren retrieve clean sheets from the closet, watching him search for the proper corners in only a tshirt and underwear, watching brown hairs fall in his face, listening to the sweet tone of his voice as he slides a finger down the crease directly in the middle of the sheet. “How are they always so perfect?”

“I iron them.” Reaching across the bed, tugging and tucking the sheet beneath the mattress, Levi turns his eyes toward Eren’s tilted head, the smirk on his face, the clean, white linens between his fingertips. 

Light-hearted, sweet, Eren’s laugh fills the space between them as he teases. “Levi...you said that you’re twenty six, but I swear you sound like my grandmother.” They pull at the sheets, lay the blanket flat over top, and Levi feels the hot red in his face as he climbs on the bed, crawling over to where Eren stands, gently pressing a finger into his chest. 

“Make fun all you want...isn’t it nice to sleep on a wrinkle free bed?” Eren's lips are turned up in a smirk, but his eyes are full of fondness, warm and bright and enticing as they look down at him. 

“It is.” Tugging him in, Eren wraps his arms around Levi, hands gliding against the soft fabric of his shirt, fingertips brushing beneath the hem, drawing shivers on the small of his back. “And I’m not making fun.” Lips press gentle warmth into Levi's shoulder, his neck, his forehead. And he sinks, falls deep into the hold of Eren's arms, holding on tight to the embrace of his lover, his boyfriend...his everything.

 

Quiet, they are captivated by the moment, the heavy pounding in their chests, the sway of their bodies as they breathe into each other’s skin, the only thing pulling them back to reality is the words that fall from Eren's mouth. “What happens now?” 

It’s not meant to be a loaded question, not meant to make Levi’s mind race with possibilities, not meant to overrun him with thoughts of an open future, and only the growl that moves through Eren's stomach can keep Levi grounded, keep him here in the safety of this moment, this cool December night. “Leftovers in bed?” Because Eren’s smile is full of beginnings...it curves up at the sides with the mention of an uninterrupted night, bitten white with the thought of waking up together, and Levi can feel it move between them, the energy of the sun radiating between their skin, the solemn beauty of quiet snowfall, the thoughts of firsts daring to overcome Levi’s body in the form of a dizzying warmth.

But their actions feel...so familiar, so comfortable as they heat up Levi’s untouched dinner from the night before, crawling into bed with shoulders close, backs pressed up against the headboard. It’s so easy, so peaceful as they eat with a background of Eren’s contented hums, no movie queued up on the laptop, no music, no distractions. Still, the world beyond Eren’s eyes holds so much more, so many things for Levi to watch unfold before his eyes, and he doesn’t want to miss a second of it as Eren’s voice teases his ears. “I’m surprised you eat in bed.”

“I’m not messy.” Turning his head, he watches Eren drop a piece of chicken into the blanket over his lap with widened eyes. But Eren doesn’t miss a beat, doesn’t blink, just jabs the chicken with his fork and slides it into his mouth with a lively smirk to match Levi’s face. “That’s disgusting.” Sticking out his bottom lip, Eren’s face is animated, lively as he pouts, coaxing Levi to move, to nudge the younger man with his shoulder, unwittingly letting a noodle drop from his fork. Picking it up with his fingers, he watches Eren tuck his lips together, hold in a laugh, eyes dancing in the warm light of the bedroom, watches Eren open his mouth to eat the noodle from Levi’s hand. “Now I’m going to have to wash the blankets again.” 

“Are you going to iron them too?” Playful, perfect, Eren presses his shoulder back into Levi, smiling down at his food, feigning innocence at his remark.

Lighthearted, amorous, they tease each other, flirt with each other, feeling the goosebumps raise on their skin. “As a matter of fact…” It’s just like before...before the confusion, the pain, the waiting. Before...when all they were to each other was classmates, friends with unexpected desires. 

But it's so much more than that, because he gets to take in every detail, every new discovery, every moment with Eren...and he wants to keep all to himself, wants to keep these selfish intentions, to be the cause of the sweet sound of Eren’s laughter. “Stop, I’m gonna puke.” Because without this, he'd never see the tears form in the corners of Eren's eyes or watch the way he doubles over, covering his face as the laughter bubbles from his mouth. Without everything they've been through he'd never know that Eren can laugh so hard that he can make himself sick, or that he snorts when he’s run out of breath, or that his laugh could light up a room. All those things, they belong to Eren, but they also belong to Levi, simply because he gets to witness it all, because he’s trusted enough to get closer, to get so close that there is no turning back.

Returning from putting the dishes in the kitchen, Levi flops into the bed, lets his groggy body find a comfortable spot in the hold of Eren’s arms, grumbling with impatience as Eren turns off the lamp. And he sinks into Eren’s chest, feels the beat of his heart thrumming against his ribcage, letting the drowsiness finally overcome his mind, feeling it aching through his every muscle as he listens to Eren breathe. It’s been so long, so many restless hours, so many sleepless nights, and all he wants is to feel himself capsize under the weight of Eren’s heart, descend into darkness with the hold of Eren’s arms, drown in the ease of sleep without the threat of nightmares.

If he could just...hold on to this moment a little while longer, hold on to this warmth before he falls asleep, before he loses the chance to love...his head already falls prey to the shadows of doubt, fingers shaking as they grasp onto the fabric of Eren’s shirt. “Are you okay?” Warm, light, the sleepy whisper from Eren’s throat forces a shiver down Levi’s spine as he opens his eyes to the blackened room. Eren...he pulls at Levi, presses his hands into the older man’s back, holds him close as the breaths shake from his chest.

If he can let go of his words, will it let the tightness in his throat release into the space between them, spill his fears, keep him from losing his composure? He grasps at Eren’s chest, holding onto the man in his bed, to the world they’ve created, to the warmth and heat of this surreal feeling. “I don’t want to wake up to find that this was all a dream…” Doesn’t want to find that the shadows that creep across his brain have found a better way to hurt him, a quicker way to break him, something worse than fragmented memories of his past.

“The only thing you’ll wake up to find is me here in your bed.” Honeyed, sticky with the weight of exhaustion, Eren breathes into the room, lets sweetened words grace Levi’s ears. “I’m yours, Levi, remember? I’m not going anywhere.” But the tension doesn’t release from Levi’s muscles, the heavy breaths don’t ease their way from his lungs, so Eren holds him a little tighter, a little closer, searching for something to ease Levi’s mind. “I love you...that’s real.” Real...like the heartbeat that moves beneath Levi’s ear inside Eren’s chest, like the weight of the blankets and the warmth of Eren’s arms, like the pressure from Eren’s fingertips as they travel up Levi’s spine, draw goosebumps on his neck, get lost in thick black hair. Real like the gentle brush of Eren’s breath as he whispers into Levi’s hair. “I’m right here.” 

Real...like the idle touches that make him aware of every spot they come together, the comfort that begins to lure him to sleep. It’s a gentle undertaking, the way the tension slowly melts from his muscles, the way the rigidity eases from his tendons, slow, graceless as he gives in to the caress of the sheets around his legs, the sway of Eren’s body as he breathes. He settles into Eren’s chest, breathes in the scent of tanned skin, dips into the crashing waves of soft, sleepy noises, submerged in the weight of the arms that have lifted him up, the arms that have steadied him. 

Soaked in warmth, saturated by Eren’s every cell, Levi sinks into the hold of the darkness, the comfort of pressure, accompanied by the thrumming of Eren’s heart in his chest, giving in...but holding out for the drowsy smile that warms Eren’s face in the morning sun, for the light that peeks into the windows, draws lines into the carpeting, brushing fingers of waking against their skin. He holds out for the fullness in his heart, the thoughts racing in his mind, slipping beneath the surface, falling away until it is only him in the soft caress of the light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (And if this was all a dream...if you wake up tomorrow morning and I’m not here…come find me. Tell me you love me. I can promise you that I’ll be waiting for you.)


	16. Here I Am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because their need is the same, overwhelming and staggering, paralyzing them both before every breath, every move, so despite the desperation that brought them this far, despite everything they've said, they tread lightly, they hold back, keeping their need caged up, locked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you haven't forgotten about me -- I haven't forgotten about you!

Gentle, persistent, the hands of day and night take turns pulling away at the weekend. Whispers of waking would tingle against Levi's skin, draw warmth into his muscles, seep heat into his bones, the touch of the sun reaching out to him from beneath the sheets. The touch doesn't come in illustrious rays, but the brush of his fingertips creeping up Levi's spine, the movement of sleepy lips against his ear, the gravelly timbre that escapes Eren's chest. It would come as a promise of breakfast, of another day devoted only to entire seasons of a show, to sinking into the couch under the weight of a blanket, to distracted touches, smiling lips.

And the hands of the moon, the darkened skies, the product of sunset, they would come by way of pale fingers skirting exposed skin, of gentle undressing, of long, drawn out moans, quiet sighs, needy kisses. It chased them across the carpeting, into each other's arms, into the comfort of skin and spit and sweat in any way their aching bodies would allow.

They spent all weekend like this, taking turns doting on each other, refusing to leave the apartment, they ignored their calls and emails, ignored the real world, forgot responsibility, forgot everything but the sound of each other's voice, the warmth of each other's touch, the beat of each other's heart. A dreamy forty eight hours interrupted only by the knock of food delivery and the pull of sleep, the reminder of the impending week as Eren reluctantly left for home Sunday night.

But Sunday was the only night they spent alone, the only night Levi crawled beneath the covers and stretched out on the mattress, searching for a hint of Eren's scent in the pillows. He realized it before then, realized the emptiness in his chest, the neediness in his heart, but this was different. This...this was crippling. How had me not noticed it before, creeping beneath his skin, taking root in his lungs, suffocating his thoughts? How desperate did he look during that Monday night class to prompt Eren's voice to yield such kind words? Did he mean it? "It feels so weird being without you." Did he know what he was getting into when offered Levi his home, his bed, his company for the busiest week of the semester?

Even Levi's twisted mind could feel the energy behind Eren's eyes, even his tattered chest came to the conclusion that maybe...just maybe, Eren's heart is in the same shape as his. Maybe the need isn't only his.

How easily has he fallen into this?

How quickly did the transition take him over?

Because his needy head, his greedy heart, they beg to keep Eren from leaving his sight, his tense muscles, his worn out nerves all driving him to swallow the mild discomfort of intruding on Armin's evenings, the anxious energy in simple conversation, the feeling of being too much in lieu of letting the darkness get the best of him. But he received no resistance from Armin, only a thoughtful smile, a gentle peace as they all worked quietly at the kitchen table. It felt so natural...so dreamlike to go home to Eren instead of his empty apartment.

But Levi doesn't care about being Eren's focus, he's spent every evening with the younger man, worked across the table from his as the sky moved into listless black, been so close, so near. He's spent every night somehow drifting to sleep laid across the pillows waiting for Eren to grow weary, curling up atop the covers in the soft light of the lamps, the weight of his book wrapped gently around his thumb, pages and eyelids fallen limp to the bedroom. Heart beating a calm rhythm in his chest, mind left to wander in the soft hold of sleep, knowing that Eren is just beyond the limits of his eyelids, working beneath the light of his lamp at the desk. It's so easy, falling asleep to the soft scratch, the quiet scribble of Eren's pen against the pages of his notebook, the shifting of papers and scouring of research...it's so easy with the sound of noisy fingertips tapping at the keyboard, diligent, deliberate, a reminder of the last fifteen weeks they've spent together side by side in class, a reminder of the space their relationship began.

It feels so good...so natural to be wrapped up in the covers as the sun presses light into the sky, so familiar as Eren wakes him with a warm cup of tea, so domestic and new and perfect to walk down the stairs of Eren's building together, to hold open the door for his boyfriend, to receive a soft kiss on the cheek, and a weighted kiss on the lips before they part for the day.

It feels so...empty to watch Eren go, to see the chill of the air paint rosy marks against his tanned cheekbones and across the bridge of his freckled nose, empty to watch the younger man leave all bundled up against the cold, the ends of his scarf tucked away into his coat.

It was all so good, so comforting. It makes everyday work feel so pointless, makes the inside of his head a little darker, the twisted firing of his neurons begging him into shadows, luring him into blackness. There is no hiding from it when he's on his own, no way to keep it away from the light of his new memories. No... it dares to eat away at the edges of his thoughts, to tear at the seams of their newly formed relationship, to break the spell over his body. Those thoughts, they feel like a dream... unreal if it weren't for the fluttery feeling in his chest, the warmth in his heart as the day begins.

It feels like a dream, if it weren't for the shallow thrum of his heartbeat, the twisted tension in his gut, the apprehension that moves against him, draws shivers over his abdomen, piercing the skin, wriggling and reaming into his body, spreading out its chilling fingers, scraping against his ribcage, laying pressure into his lungs. He knows it's real, because the relief Eren so diligently whisked into his body has been replaced...tension woven back into his muscles, tied tight into his shoulders with each slash of his pen, weighing into his chest at each new paragraph, wrapping around his neck as the sky aches into dusk.

They've been together all week, every night, they've slept together, woken together, left for work together, but they haven't really spoken have they? They haven't been alone and awake at the same time, they haven't indulged in each other's bodies since the weekend. And he's so damn selfish, he can feel the greed rise in his chest, can feel the need aching at the back of his mind. He's done nothing but cause Eren trouble, done nothing but take up his time and he's done so happily, without question... just being by Eren's side has felt so good, but why do they feel so distant? Why do they feel so far apart when they should be the closest they've been since they met?

Closing his laptop, standing to leave, he shakes his hands, pushes a labored breath from his chest. The office is quiet, near empty on this Friday evening, the only sound is the ruffle of his jacket as he pulls it on, the soft swish of white fabric as he ties his scarf around his neck, the heavy breaths he can't stop from slipping from his lips. There isn't a part of him untouched by apprehension, not a muscle that hasn't been scraped to nothing, built up with tension, not a nerve left that hasn't been eroded away by the anxiety that takes root in his heart.

Selfish... the word aches in his mind as he moves down the stairway of the office, pressing through the doors into the cold December air. Eren is busy with work, busy writing papers, and all Levi can do is feel the darkness moving through his veins, working a heavy heat around his lungs. It doesn't matter how far he runs, how much he keeps his head down, those hands of night, of darkness, they reach him now, all alone in the empty parking lot. Why does it feel like it's over now that he's finally given in?

There isn't a breath through his lips that manages to quell the heat in his chest, isn't a push of air that brings relief to his lungs, but it doesn't stop him from panting the cold air until it hurts his throat. Closing his eyes to the night, walking on unsteady limbs, he blocks out the sound of car doors, the movement of the office buildings, the breath of the city, looking up to the clouds moving across the darkened sky. His heart is vulnerable, mind is elsewhere, but he listens to the sound of his footsteps across the asphalt, eyeing the glowing lights of the car beside his, the red of the brakes gleaming against the dark black of the December night.

He outlines the shape of the light with his eyes, draws lines against it, resists the urge to run his fingers along the cool plastic as he walks slowly past it, gaze falling to the figure stepping from the running car. There is nothing but the throbbing beat of his heart, the heavy weight is his throat. Anguish and agony echo in his chest, resonate in his heart, ache through his veins, the memory of pain and loneliness alive just beneath his skin. And his restless heart is stopped in his chest, his unquiet mind halted as suddenly as his shoes on the pavement. Face bathed in the streetlights, outlined in heavy red, the smile that crosses the man’s lips is bright against the darkness.

"What are you doing here?" Levi bites the corner of his lip, keeping his smile contained as he turns his body, feeling the shiver creep across the skin as Eren moves closer, nearly closing the distance between their chests.

An audible swallow emanates from the younger man's throat, a nervous bite of his lip, pulling it white between his teeth. "I couldn't wait any longer to see you..." Half-lidded green stares down at him, eyes flitting across Levi's face, and he can feel every goosebump drawn against his skin beneath the gaze, can feel the warmth of Eren's words taking him back over. "I know this is your workplace, but can I hug-" All at once, Levi is enveloped in Eren's arms, falling into the fabric on his chest before the question leaves his lips, sinking deeper into the hold, the hands pressing into his back, the shaking of his fingertips. How could he have been so stupid? After all they've been through, how could he forget the need that brought them here, the desire behind Eren's eyes, the tattered shreds of Eren that he has unwittingly woven back together?

Because their need is the same, overwhelming and staggering, paralyzing them both before every breath, every move, so despite the desperation that brought them this far, despite everything they've said, they tread lightly, they hold back, keeping their need caged up, locked away. Digging his fingers into Levi's clothes, pressing into his skin, Eren holds tighter, pulls closer, breathing hot waves against Levi's hair as he releases his control, whispering into the cool air. "Please tell me you're free tonight." And Levi can only nod, can only breathe into Eren's chest, wishing it wasn't so cold, wishing Eren didn't have his jacket zipped up, wishing he could hear the steady heartbeat in Eren's chest. "Let me take you out on a date." Releasing Levi just enough to look down into his eyes, Eren swallows hard, choosing his words carefully.

Is he looking for a spark of fear in Levi's gaze, watching for a visible sign of anxiety to creep into expressive grey? "Just you and me?" Relief is the only thing flooding through him as Eren nods, the only thing between them as Levi lets his lips turn into a small smile, stretching onto the tips of his toes, dragging Eren's collar down to meet him for a kiss. "I'd like that." Soft, gentle, his lips remain reserved against Eren's, because if he lets his desires get the best of him, if he lets his body move without thought, lets his unruly mouth set the pace for their night, they won't take two cars to his apartment, they won't go out, won't get dinner, or talk.

So he presses his lips to Eren's once more, cautious, composed, letting his heart pound heavily in his chest at the quiet sigh that aches from Eren's throat as he pulls away, releasing the younger man's coat from his fingers, leaving him pressed up against his car. "Pick me up at my place." And Eren only watches, swipes his lips with his tongue, as Levi gets into his car, following close behind, waiting patiently as Levi runs inside, leaves his laptop in the doorway, changes out of his work clothes.

Fingertips shaking against fabric, he flips through his closet as the realization moves through his body. This is their first date, their first official date as a couple, and he can't keep his chest from turning to a bundle of nerves, can't even choose what to wear, settling on a big cable knit sweater, the off-white loops falling warm and heavy over the top of his black jeans, loose turtle neck peeking from his jacket as he pulls on his boots, tucking them into his pant legs. Unease moves through him as he steps out into the cold, quickly sliding into Eren's car. Their first date...they've done everything so backwards because of him, the tightness in his chest reminds him of how much he's stalled them, how much time he's wasted to get to this moment.

But it wasn't wasted...if it got them here, it wasn't wasted, because Eren welcomes him back with one of those crippling smiles, one that reaches across his face, tilts wrinkles beneath his eyes, pulls that dimple into his cheek, one that makes the green of his eyes shine in the soft light of the car. Levi is pulled so firmly, so gently back into the satisfaction of reality, the energy radiating from across the car as he sinks into the heat.

He doesn't ask where they're going, doesn't ask for a plan or a time or an itinerary, because it doesn't matter, as long as he's with Eren it doesn't matter. But that doesn't stop his mind from drifting to tomorrow, worrying over when Eren will have to leave him for work, for the students at the writing center, for his responsibilities. "Do you open the writing center tomorrow?" Tight around his words, his throat aches as he swallows, giving in to his fear as he looks at Eren's face in the passing headlights.

Eren only smiles, glancing at Levi across the car as he moves through a green light. "Nope. I'm all yours." It's a tightness in his throat, a weighted pounding against his ribcage, a heat so heavy that it sinks blush into his cheeks, because Eren... he so easily brushes away the darkness lurking behind clouded grey, breathing him in, easing his apprehension, working him up. There isn't a thud in his chest that he doesn't owe to Eren's light, and the reality of that fact is frightening, intoxicating, calming. Because Eren knows exactly what he's doing, knows exactly what he's said before, so even when his words seem innocent, seem gentle and routine, Levi's gut twinges at their quiet promise, the assurance laced in Eren's every utterance, his every move.

But it still feels unreal as they roll to a stop in a space between buildings, still feels like a dream as they step into the December night, walking together down the alleyway toward the glow of the streetlights, the bustle of the sidewalks, the soft swish of tires against pavement. Everything seems so steady around him, buildings stretching stories above his head, traffic lights shifting, changing, wind ripping through the alleys, entangling in his fingers, wrapping around his palms, chilling his bones.

Warmth...it comes as a sudden jolt, the brush of Eren's fingertips at the heel of his hand, stretching in against his palm, fitting effortlessly against him. The wrinkles in his knuckles, the folds in his skin, the tendons beneath, he can feel all of them as he tightens his grip around Eren's hand, letting his nerve endings come alive under Eren's touch, letting it remind him that he's not alone in the middle of the city. Their pace is slow against the sidewalk, the connection of their skin spreading heat against Levi's cheeks, nose nipped red by the breeze as they round the corner. Worn down by nerves, by worries, Levi lets the warm air of the art museum fill his lungs as Eren holds the door for him, because the younger man takes the lead, holding him steady with only the warmth of his hand, the energy in his eyes, releasing him only to slide the jacket from his shoulders to be given to coat check, to pay their entry.

He's never done this before...he's never been on a real date with anyone else, never been taken somewhere other than a college house party, a dimly lit bar. This...he's never done this, never been taken by the hand and lead through a hallway full of people, never been claimed and cherished and steadied by someone so publicly, never been so happy to be all alone in the quiet of an elevator, behind closed doors with someone so bright. And he's surely never been looked at quite like that, never been reflected so honestly in the black pearled pupils of someone's eyes, never been regarded so genuinely by someone so perfect. But those eyes, they've taken in every detail of his body, they’ve dilated, flexed, moved over every inch of him, holding him up, tearing him down...he’ll never get used to it, never quite understand why someone like Eren is so content with someone like him. It makes unease crawl from beneath his skin, makes warmth move across his chest, heating him up beneath his sweater as Eren presses the button to the third floor, turning to look at him, squeezing his hand. 

Can he feel it? Is the contradiction seeping through the ridges in his fingertips, soaking into Eren's palms, making Eren wish he never brought Levi here? Can Eren read the uncertain giddiness moving through Levi's veins? Are the words poised to call this off hidden behind those dark pink lips? Dread spreads across Levi's throat as Eren lets those lips fall open, tight and raw and suffocating when he moves to speak. “I’m glad I finally get to spend some time with you.” And his face brightens with the curve of his lips, the tilt of his smile, the raised lower lids and the freckled spots of skin on his cheeks lit beneath energetic green. Quiet, a laugh spreads through Levi’s chest, passing in short breaths through his nose, a smile aching to set into his lips. How does he always do that? How does his voice fill up the space between them with this magnetic heat. “What?” Pulling his lips into a straight line, he holds back his smile, watching Eren tilt his head, pulling the dark pink of his lip white between his teeth. “Tell me…” Squaring up their shoulders, the younger man slips his hands over the bones of Levi's hips, pulling the loops of his sweater into tanned fingers. 

And Levi is cornered, pressed up against the wall of the elevator with the energy of flexing blues and greens staring into him. His voice shakes, unable to keep under control, but he lets it come out anyway. “You always do that…” He doesn't need to hide it, doesn't need to keep it in, but that doesn't keep the heat from spreading across his face, doesn't keep the blush from creeping beneath his skin, so he looks away from his lover's eyes, stares at the jagged white line of thread on Eren's shoulder. “You always bring me back to Earth.” Always settles the unease in his mind, always pulls him back.

Eren...he leans in, fingertips crawling up Levi's sides, gracing cool, pale skin with energy, with warmth, tickling goosebumps into the skin of his neck. The world moves around him, and his body weighs into his feet as Eren moves closer, almost close enough to pin him to the wall, almost close enough to drown him in a kiss, lips plump and wet with the swipe of his tongue. Unbearable, unnoticed, his fingers shake as they reach out for Eren's sweater, begging to pull him in, to strip him down, to lift him up... The elevator chimes and the doors open, Levi has half a mind to let the doors close, to take this moment, to pull some energy from Eren's kiss, but it'll have to wait, because Eren is already moving away, pulling back with a smirk on those perfect lips, a challenge hidden behind long eyelashes. 

He'll have to hold out, have to play the game to get what he wants, have to hold himself together as he watches Eren walk down the hallway with a hop in each step, a spring of excitement beneath his shoes. What he wants...what he wants is to be close, as close as possible, he wants to remember the way Eren sways on his feet, to put every detail of this to memory, to let Eren know how he feels. So he takes a few quick steps, catches up to Eren’s pace, slipping his hand back into the younger man’s grasp. “Is that impressionist exhibit still here?”

Keeping his gaze forward, keeping the flustered heat behind grey eyes and away from Eren, Levi watches the his boyfriend turn his head from the corner of his eye, watches light shine from his face when he speaks. “Yeah. It's only got a few more weeks, I figured we should see it.” It’s light in the form of tilted lips, the flash of straight teeth, the energy moving through the space between their palms.

But it doesn’t stop the guilt that weighs into his gut, doesn’t stop the twinge of shame that stuns his heart or the prickle of anxiety in his every nerve ending. He doesn’t need to say it, doesn’t need to let the words fall heavy from his tongue, but Eren moves to question as Levi’s pace staggers, and his face moves to worry as Levi’s hand shakes in his hold. Is he that obvious, that easy to read, or does Eren see right through him? “I wanted to take you to it when I had our date planned.” Airway narrow, throat rigid, voice strained, he makes no effort to pull away when Eren stops in some listless doorway, makes no conscious decision to turn away when Eren looks into him, reading every minuscule detail of Levi’s face, diving comfortably into Levi’s hidden panic, easing him with one word, one line, one breath.

“Then let's enjoy it together now.” Sweet, sticky, Eren’s voice pulls him in, eases a bit of the tension in his chest, the pressure in his lungs, the ache in his heart. How many times will he apologize before he realizes that Eren doesn’t care about the missed opportunities? How many times will he let the regret move freely through him at each moment they spent apart? They’re together...they’re together now, huddled in the entrance of the first room, and Eren watches, waits as the thought sufficiently seeps into Levi’s body. Patient, peaceful, that green gaze falls upon Levi, sinks into him as the people, the time, the world progresses around them. 

Moving with a breath, a single word through his lips, Levi squeezes Eren’s fingers, turning toward the room. “Ready?” Even the easiest things are difficult, even the time he should be happiest is threatened by shadows, but Eren holds him so firmly, leads him so securely, begging him to let it go, to ignore it, even if just for now, even if just for a few hours before they can get home, before he can smother Levi in his arms, drown him in a kiss, break Levi with his love. And he does just that, breathing in the soft, warm lights that line the walls, taking enjoyment in such simple things, such simple moments, like the way the light catches Eren's eyes, the way they move through the rooms, the way their hands remain clasped.

He could easily find himself lost in the rolling hills, the paint peppered on the canvas, the spotty leaves, splotchy flowers, the wispy clouds and the moving skies. He could free himself of this building, of the cream colored walls, the frames and the lighting, only using reality to move from world to world. He could forget the flighty anxiety in his chest, the heavy weight anchored in his gut, the tension in his muscles. Instead, he gives himself up to the feeling, capturing this momentary warmth, this moving, weaving creature at the end of his hand, the one holding onto him, gently leading the way through the rooms, pausing at each piece. He gives himself to the valleys carved behind Eren's collar bones, the ridges of his shoulders, the folds in his sweater around the muscles of his forearms, the blues and purples and blacks of woven threads shifting with each movement. He gives his attention to the stray browns of Eren's hair, deep and rich, teasing the collar of his shirt as he tips his head back, his eyes up, his attention toward a painting hung high, the way his eyebrows tilt above his gaze, ever moving, ever shifting as they move through rooms they've already seen, waiting for a quiet moment as the room thins and they are alone. And his eyes, those damn eyes, they dance around widened black pupils, blues and greens more brilliant than anything these artists could mix, taking in Levi's face, flitting back and forth against him. Dark pink, plump and dampened and pulled between his teeth, no artist could ever do Eren's lips justice, no one could ever capture the energy that radiates from his skin, or the gentleness in the creases beneath his eyes, or the playful nature of the freckles left spotted on his nose, his cheekbones, kissed by the sun. And the way it feels… the way it feels to be looked at by someone so sweet, someone so attentive, it could never be shown by someone who doesn't know him this deeply, someone who hasn't looked this closely. He wants to be closer… So close that it pushes away the doubt from behind his ribcage, so close that he doesn't have room to wonder if this will last as long as they hope, so close that he can feel the way Eren's voice reverberates through his chest when he speaks, close enough to let the vibrations shake him free.

“This one's my favorite.” Soft, sweet, Eren's voice draws goosebumps across Levi's skin, he wants to be closer, to feel the warmth of the younger man's breath against his skin, his touch to seep into his bones. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he turns to the painting hanging before him, lets his eyes take in the colors that have captured Eren's attention, the strokes of paint that move so gently beneath Eren's gaze.

Wispy, blotchy clouds of grey and white move layered over pale blues, dancing with the light of the low hanging sun, refracted with oranges and yellows and pinks. Ripples of water move the reflection of blackened sailboats waiting in a harbor, tall and dark and tucked away. Does the sun promise sunrise or does it ache to fall below the horizon? Why does the moment seem to come to life with each visible stroke of the brush, and seem to move and sway like gentle waves when Eren looks at it? It's beautiful and moving and alive, but what about it caught Eren's eye? Closer… he wants to be closer, wants to know every thought that moves behind those brilliant eyes. “Why is it your favorite?”

Releasing Levi's hand, Eren moves behind him, pressing him as close to the painting as the space will allow, hands brushing Levi's hips, breath on his neck, voice in his head. “It reminds me of you.” Goosebumps raise against his skin, shiver coursing through him at the timbre in the younger man's voice. It reminds Eren of him...so he stares at the corner of the frame before looking at it again, fear prickling the skin of his neck. What will he see that Eren sees in him?

It would make more sense if it were a moment captured in the aftermath of a storm, the crash of a natural disaster against a beach, the impending wave promising to swallow a boat beneath its weight. But it isn't...it's calm, quiet, and he can feel the tightness in his throat, the anxious energy in his muscles. It is the opposite of him, the person he might've been if his mother had stayed just a little while longer. The thought creeps like fire against his skin, one broken second, a hitch in his breath… maybe he's kidding. But Eren points a hand over Levi's shoulder, gestures to the top left corner of the canvas, letting his words sink in. “That's the color of your eyes, almost exactly.” Turning to look at Eren over his shoulder, he finds the younger man inspecting flexing greys and muted blues, confirming his statement. “The waves look gentle, calm. It feels the same when I look at you.” And he watches Eren take in the painting, watches the curve in dark pink lips, the low tranquility of relaxed eyebrows. 

A feeling… the way it feels to look at him. Could he accurately express it in words? Will the same heat that spreads through his own cheeks grace Eren's face if he tries? “I have one for you.” Slipping his fingers into Eren's, Levi turns away from the bitten smile on Eren’s face, leads him across the room to the landscapes, stopping before the flower beds. “None of the colors even come close to your eyes, but…” But that's not the reason it reminds him of Eren. Heavy, distracting, he can barely hear his own thoughts over the beating of his heart against his ribcage. He should stop, should cage the words behind his teeth and let it go, but Eren moves closer, tilts his head, lets unbelievable eyes search the canvas for some sort of answer, peering into the layered blotches of paint. Clean white, rich blues and purples and pinks, oranges and yellows, they move from the dull ground on beds of green leaves, pale clouds almost covering the blue skies. The words are caught in his throat, unformed on his tongue, is this too ugly?

Glancing at the plaque beside the frame, he triple checks his facts, swallowing hard as he steps beside his lover, his boyfriend. How much closer can he get? “Hyacinth. They were my mother's favorite, I don't really remember why.” Can he secure his spot by Eren's side if he lets his guard down a little more? Can he believe in forever if he erases every bit of space between them? “But they remind me of sunshine and rain and spring.” Of the way they stretch from the ground in green, growing up, aching into color in the April rain. Of picking them from the yard, letting the scent fill the house, the color brighten the kitchen table. It reminds him of a time so long before Eren, a time steeped in layered memories, of a promise to move forward, even when the world seems to stand still, even when the ground freezes over and the sky is dark. “Of life…” Not his life, not the life he was given, but the life in the promise behind unwavering green, the heat on his skin beneath Eren's gaze. “And you.”

Why does he find himself so brightly reflected back from Eren's face? The bitten lip, the set in smile lines, the dip of a dimple, and it's all his, it's all for him as Eren moves to a bench near the center of the room, sitting with his body turned, his right ankle tucked beneath his left knee, his hand patting the space next to him. Unaware of the weariness in his bones, the tension in his muscles, Levi sinks into the wood of the bench as Eren's voice draws him closer. “How have you slept this week?”

Somehow, he found a bit of peace laid out between the sheets, felt the comfort of the mattress pulling him in. “Good, actually.” Even weighed down by sleep, his body felt the soft tug of the quilted blanket being tucked over his shoulder, even in the space between waking and dreaming, he felt the lean of the bed and saw the bedroom fall into darkness as the lights were turned off… and even in the dark, Levi could feel the energy from Eren’s skin, the brush of a touch, the press of a comforting kiss against his forehead. Eren was right there, worrying over Levi’s quiet frame, tossing gently under the covers with thoughts and stress undoubtedly flowing through his head. “You haven't though.” And he’s done nothing to help it, nothing to get Eren to bed earlier than two in the morning, nothing to ease his mind. 

Leaning forward, pressing the heel of his hands into the bench hunching into his shoulders, he watches Eren shift in his peripherals, feels the warmth of the younger man’s hand breaking the space between them with only a momentary touch of his fingertips. “The last two weeks of the semester are always hectic.” It's so understated, so small, but Levi can see the way it weighs into Eren's shoulders, the way he offers all of himself to what's in front of him, other students’ grades depend on him getting his work done, and his own grades depend on him saving time for his own work.

Compassionate, kind, he gives all of himself… that's how he is. Shredding off pieces, letting people tug at the threads of his energy, the frayed ends of his sanity, Eren’s heart is full, warm, willingly giving away his time, his mind, his heart. And everyone does it, his coworkers, his friends, they ask favors he can’t say no to, they ask for his attention, for him to take their shifts, and Levi… Levi is the same. "I'm sorry for taking up all of your free time."

“Sorry?” Warmth spreads through Levi’s leg as Eren wraps his hand above his knee, fingertips spreading to the inside of his thigh. Tugging at Levi’s rigid body, he beckons the older man to turn his body toward him, to look into begging green. "I was going to say, ‘thank you for being there with me.’"

Letting his gaze fall, his body lean away from the heat, his grip on Eren’s attention loosen, he wills his voice not to shake. "I don't want to add to your stress." Doesn’t want to be another thing on the list of Eren’s responsibilities, so even when tanned fingertips slide over pale knuckles he doesn’t look up, he only pulls them tight and white around his grip. It’s exactly what he didn’t want from this relationship, he never wanted to cause more trouble than he’s worth.

“You’re not a stressor.” Slouching his shoulders, leaning down, Eren moves to meet Levi’s eyes, a soft smile on dark pink lips as he moves to speak. "Levi, you are my relief." And his heart is pounding against his ribcage, sinking into dilated green, into raised eyebrows and freckled skin. How could he be the relief of a man who so easily breathes away his stress? How could he ever be the same for Eren as that faithful man is for him?

Strands of brown fall in long eyelashes, catching against Eren’s face, blocking his vision, prompting pale fingers to move without thought, to brush away the hairs. He draws the edge of Eren’s hairline with his fingers, light, soft, touching just enough to feel the warmth of the tanned skin, pressing his thumb gently against the black ring around Eren’s lip. Flitting back and forth, Levi watches the way heavy-lidded green watches him, the way shiny eyelids close as those lips press a quiet kiss against his thumb, the way Eren straightens his back, makes himself tall and wide before the older man.

Spreading like fire under Levi's skin, Eren's eyes draw fever over his body, and he can feel it creeping up his spine, can feel the snuffed out desire reignite. Now is not the time or place, but relief....relief is poised on Eren's tongue, relief is the sound of Levi's breath when their skin meets, the bend of limbs and the press of fingertips into flesh. Relief is the borderline erotic movement of Eren's lips, the soft, dark pink outlined and light, protruding from his face, dipping deep above his chin. Fuck… those eyes are searing into his body, aching into him, and all Levi wants is to succumb to the flames, if he can't get those eyes off of him, he just might.

Clearing his throat, he wills green eyes to turn away, begs his voice to stay steady, hopes the normal color will return to his face. “You aren't looking at the art.” But it’s a futile attempt, a fruitless effort, one that he can’t give his heart fully to, no, because there’s nothing more worthwhile than being in the light of Eren’s gaze, nothing he wants more than to close this space between them.

Tender, sweet, anything but tame, Eren doesn’t turn away, just moves an inch closer, letting heavy lids slit his darkened eyes. “Neither are you.” No, he's got something better poised before him, something intriguing and sexy and perfect, something he can touch, be touched by, and hell, does he want to be touched, torn apart, pieced together, fucked and loved and tucked gently into bed. Anything, as long as it’s Eren...and it must show, it must darken the blood flushing into his face, must be begging in the space between his lips, because Eren’s breaths move heavily from his chest, his throat audibly aches when he swallows, his voice is thick and sticky when it escapes those perfect lips. “I can barely think when you look at me like that.” Right… not here, he can’t be chasing after these thoughts here. He lets his head fall a little, focusing his eyes on the tight hold of his pale fingers, feeling the warmth of Eren’s hand against the side of his neck, the firm movement of the younger man’s thumb lifting his chin, the breathy whisper of his voice. “Don't look away.” 

Tongue swiping against dark pink, Levi watches the energy behind heated green move against his face, watches the decision churn behind his bitten lip. Leaning his face into Eren’s hand, exposing his neck, he holds the air in his lungs, feels Eren’s breath hot and damp against his skin. Slow, long kisses pepper his body, one at the junction of his shoulder, one against his jaw, one behind his ear as he sinks further into Eren’s hold, closing his eyes to the movement. Only when Eren’s thumb presses gently into Levi’s lips does he open his eyes, watching Eren pull back through heavy eyelids. It twinges something deep inside him, something buried down beneath his skin, as he draws his gaze against the edges of Eren's lips. Since when is just a few inches of space between them too much? Since when is the thought of just a kiss so incredibly frustrating, so undeniably arousing?

And Eren must feel the same, must be feeling this strange energy between their skin, because his mind aims to push away, to hold off until later, but his lips move closer, his eyelids fall further until there’s merely a breath between their lips. “We probably shouldn’t...or we’ll never finish this date.”

He’s right, he can read it straight from Levi’s face, but there’s no turning back, he’s already too far gone, already letting his mouth beg for attention. “Just one…” Merely a second passes, just enough time for their mouths to crash together, for Eren to lean in, to take Levi over, and he doesn’t let up, doesn’t pull away. Need, desire, which one of them wanted it more? Which one of them is to blame for the way Levi’s fingers drag Eren’s sweater into his fists? Which one of them parts their lips first, diving into the other’s mouth? Which one is responsible for the soft moan that echos through the room?

Pulling away, listening to the soft footsteps in the hall, the quiet voices in the next room, Eren lets out a breath, biting his lip. “That didn’t help.” Voice punctuated by a short laugh, Eren brightens before him, letting fingertips roam against Levi’s thigh.

“Not at all.” Glancing over Eren’s shoulder, he watches a couple walk through the doorway, silently cursing and thanking them for their entrance. He can’t be trusted, can’t be left to his own devices, one more moment and he would’ve been crawling onto Eren’s lap, diving deeper in, begging to hear that intoxicating laugh, to see that incredible smile.

Eren moves from the bench, offers a hand to Levi, tugging the older man up before brushing off his clothes. “Dinner, then home.” It’s a promise made in a hushed tone, a deep breath, and Levi replies with a nod, walking behind Eren to the main hall, watching the sway of Eren’s body, the way his sweater is tucked gently behind the museum map sticking from his jeans pocket. And they wind through the hallways, descending the stairs to the main floor, walking through the decorative iron gate at the entrance of an enclosed courtyard. 

The room opens up before him as he lets his eyes roam across red and brown brick walls, rolling over animal faces etched in stone outlining windows lit from the other side. Stretching two stories up, the ceiling reveals the darkened sky, the promise of chill and snow on the other side of the glass, but here beneath the warm lights of the café, the world doesn’t seem to reach down to the stone tile floor, the little tables covered in books and papers or the students worrying over them. They walk past quiet lips, drawing hands, past a twisted metal gazebo in the center of the room, walk beneath the little circles of white string lights past soft, cushy chairs to the corner with the café and coffee bar. Green eyes flit over the chalkboard menus as they wait in line, voice low and airy against Levi’s ear. “Which one looks good?” 

“Hmmm…” Is it wrong to say that he wasn't actually looking, that he wasn't thinking about the emptiness of his stomach or what he wants to fill it with? No, he was too busy counting the inches of space between their elbows, too preoccupied wondering if he could feel the energy spark from Eren's skin through the thick wool of their sweaters. His head is dizzy with the sticky, thick smell of brewing coffee, weighed down by the realization that a scent he never found particularly pleasant now tingles the inside of his nose, draws warmth against his skin, wakes a giddiness in his gut, because those fresh roasted beans hold a fragrance rich and sultry, it reminds him of gentle goodmornings in the rising sun, of kisses sweetened by creamer, of late nights and dim desk lamps. But he doesn’t need to retreat to that cozy warmth in his head, he doesn’t need to dream up a memory, because Eren brushes his elbow against Levi’s arm, just enough to spark energy against his skin, firms his feet on the ground, his mind in this moment. “How about that?” Pointing to a new menu item advertised on a little sign without much thought, he presses back at Eren’s arm, searching for that light through the brush of skin.

“Perfect.” Light comes in the form of a smile stretched across dark pink lips, the curve of Eren’s dimple, the glow of green eyes...it’s vibrant and alive and smoldering in the space between them. “Want to find us a table?” It’s his way of taking out the guessing, his way of telling Levi that he’s trying to take the lead, to treat him, so Levi nods, willing the blush away from his cheeks, turning to choose a table as Eren scoops the crook of his elbow into tanned fingers. “Black tea, right?”

“Real tea?” Raising his eyebrows, feigning shock, Levi takes in the soft smirk on Eren’s face as he nods. He’s been at Eren’s mercy all week, bending to the younger man’s will as he’s gone out of his way to purchase and make Levi chamomile tea every night as he got ready to read. Of course, these circumstances are different, these circumstances are… needy, fraught with desire, charged with craving. “Are you trying to keep me up all night?”

And dark eyelashes flutter over doting eyes, low lids, dipped eyebrows, lips dark and tight and almost unnoticeably bitten. “That’s the plan.” His voice… fuck, his voice sounds full to the brim, almost choked with yearning, almost overcome with a hunger that can’t be quelled with dinner or coffee… and Jesus, the energy is almost intolerable, almost too much to swallow for the next hour. But hell if he’ll look away, hell if he ever gains the power to turn from that gaze without pushing back a little first, without securing the hitch in Eren’s breath, without driving him absolutely mad. Just one move, just the raising of one eyebrow, and he turns away, moving for a hightop table close enough to watch Eren shake his head, order with a smile on his face, fidget with his sweater while he waits. Placing two pale green plates between them, Eren moves their dishes from the tray, setting it aside, gingerly setting the cup of tea before Levi. The scent wafts into Levi’s nose, draws a pang of hunger in his gut, smelling the bacon from Eren’s plate, the avocado lining the inside of the soft pita bread, the spicy pepper jack and turkey between pressed bread of his own sandwich. 

Taking a sip of tea, he watches Eren shift in his seat from the other side of the table, moving and waiting in the steam that rolls over the side of Levi’s cup. There must be something on his mind, something that’s causing the stall in his voice, the shake in his fingertips as they touch the sides of the blue coffee cup in his hands, but no words fall from Levi’s lips, no words help Eren move to his conclusion, he just widens his eyes as his mind races and heart begins pounding in his chest when Eren finally speaks. “Do you celebrate anything over the holidays?”

Right...people have already gotten itchy over the holidays, already started to worry over things that don’t really matter, chasing after nostalgia and memories that he never had the chance to make. But Eren tips his head to the side, sparse brown eyebrows raised over flitting eyes, a tight swallow in his throat. It's not the expectant gaze he usually gets from his friends, not the scolding glance, no...it's got a gentle kindness that moves in the little glare at the edge of dilated green, it’s a hopeful softness in the slow movement of Eren's lips, the adjustment of his lip ring, the squirming in his seat.

Bitterness, that’s what Hanji always insists, that his thoughts are laced with some vacant, listless distaste for a time of year that brings cheer to the people around him. But that’s not really it, he just never had the heart to tell her, never had it in him to say it...there isn’t a Christmas or a birthday memory intact in his head, only the shredded pieces of recollection of his mother singing while decorating thrown away like scattered wrapping paper, just a conscious awareness of candles being lit over his favorite muffins… and the thought being brushed away by repeated memories of quiet winter nights at home interrupted by an eggnog induced rage, the greens of trees replaced with festering week-old bruises, the reds of shining Christmas bulbs reflected in droplets of blood, deep and dark. “Erwin always throws a Christmas party at his place, Hanji usually forces me to go to it.” So maybe he has the right to be grumpy around the holidays, maybe he can pretend it’s because he’s always been alone, even when he was with Farlan, and hates being so acutely reminded, but it isn’t the truth, it isn’t the real truth. That’s why he lets Hanji drag him to parties, that’s why he watches with open eyes, taking in the whimsy over something he never got the chance to understand. Is that whimsy still intact behind Eren’s eyes? Could he experience it up close, the wonderment in gold-flecked green, see the way those eyes reflect the warmth of string lights, the way they trail down following flurries of snow...could get Eren to go with him? Or maybe they could just stay home, maybe they could just sit by the fireplace in his apartment and watch old movies. Would Eren want to spend that time with him, or is this the lead up to his own plans? He looks away, picking up his sandwich, clearing his throat. “Then I get dragged out the next day for my birthday-” 

“When is your birthday?” Would he come to that? Would he make the time? He's busy, and needed and...and his voice is full of life, of a promise that Levi can’t quite understand.

So he draws his eyes up, breathes softly against the heat laying into his lungs. “The 25th.” Why is he so damn worked up? Just what has Eren done to him that he's expecting this much so soon? 

“You’re a Christmas baby?” Excitement draws Eren’s voice a little higher, his eyebrows a little more arched. And a little smile crosses his lips as he stares down Into his coffee mug, arms crossed, fingertips rubbing the fabric of his sweater. “Well that makes this easier. I usually go back to Oregon to see my family during Christmas…” Of course he already has plans, of course he has family things to take care of, that’s what normal people do for the holidays when he’s sitting at home working until the world is fast asleep. He takes a bite of his sandwich, chews at it, but his throat is too tight to swallow, his doubts too heavily clench around his stomach as they come to realization. “Just for a long weekend.” But it’s not like he’s on his own, it’s not like he’s really alone anymore, it would just be a few days away from Eren’s side, but even that seems like it’s a little too much to bear as his eyes trace the knots in the wood table around Eren’s plate. “My mom said she’d love to meet you.”

A jolt of surprise rolls up the vertebrae of Levi’s spine, tingling along either side of his ribcage, and he has no control over the speed in which he turns his eyes upward, the immediacy he’s sure is buried behind tilted eyebrows and darkened grey. The impact of widened green is heavy against his body, fuzzy and blanketing his brain.

“And my sister would love to question you relentlessly…” Did he know Eren had a sister? Or that his family lives a state away? Was he ever even listening when Eren spoke? “Of course, I’d love if you’d go with me.”

Surely anyone worthy of meeting his family would know he has a sister, or where he’s from or where he grew up...surely someone more put together would’ve asked Eren about his family, his hometown, about his life before. “I don’t know…” He’s no good with family, no good with meeting groups of people who actually function together...he’s no good for their son, their brother, no matter how much Levi cherishes him, it won’t be enough to prove his worth. Family is still important to Eren, even after everything his father puts him through, family matters to him, Levi will only be the wedge that Eren forces between them. That’s not right, though, that’s not true, it’s not that family is a foreign concept to him, it’s not that the love is unknown...Hanji and Erwin are family, even Mike and Moblit are more like family than acquaintances. Because family is the people who haven’t shaken him off, the people he hasn’t been able to force away, the people who were there when he’s needed them most. But Eren’s family… how badly would it hurt to be rejected by them, to be rejected by him?

Just the thought is enough to cease Levi’s breathing. After everything, this can’t be the end, not now. But Eren is smiling from across the table, deciding with a short breath, a steady head. “I get that it seems a little soon, so either you come home with me, or I stay home with you. It doesn’t matter to me.” And he picks up his food, assuming the discussion is over, hoping Levi will happily lean toward a decision. Could he really be happy either way? Could he really be willing to put Levi first?

“What? No, you shouldn’t miss the holidays with your family.” Levi can do without family, it's never done him any good anyway… he can live without support, but he can’t ask Eren to do the same, he can press on, dive into his work, lose sleep and lose everything and work himself into the ground, that would be better than dragging Eren down with him.

Stubborn, searing, Eren shakes his head, let's out a gentle sigh as he watches over the space between them. “Well I’m definitely not missing our first Christmas together, and double that for your birthday.”

Energy radiates from fiery green, encouraging words fall from Eren's lips, because if anyone will treat Levi gently, if anyone will cherish his broken body, his damaged frame, it's Eren. And he’s not worth a second of this, he's never been worth it, so he turns his eyes away, gives him an out, deflects the energy as best he can. “It’s fine, it doesn’t really matter anyway.”

“It does to me.” Why does hurt seem to weigh down the sound of his voice, dragging it into a whisper, punctuated by a thickening silence? Why does this feel so long… why does the space between them seem so empty? They eat quietly, Levi finishes his cup of tea, wrapping the string from the tea bag over his knuckle, refusing to look up for fear of finding disappointment in those green eyes, for fear of Eren coming to the realization that this was never worth all the trouble. Thick, tight, his throat dares to close up around his breathing, his bones dare to give out under his weight. “Levi, you have to tell me what you’re thinking…” He's not really thinking anything at all, he's not really here. “Or else my stupid brain will decide it’s because you don’t want to spend time with me.” Doubts spill heavily from dark pink lips, flood the cavity around Levi’s heart, forcing him to look up, to see the deflated slouch in Eren’s shoulders, the way his eyelids hang low over his eyes. “Or that you’ve already decided you don’t want to move forward…”

Stumbling over his words, Levi’s lips can’t move fast enough, barely taking a pause between his words. “That’s not it. You know me, I’m bad at this.” He’s nothing without Eren. Can he say that? Can he let the truth of the matter fall between them? He’s never cared about making Christmas memories to replace the one’s left scattered and forgotten in the back of his mind, he’s never cared about growing older or being celebrated or being loved...but the life in Eren’s eyes makes those things seem within reach, the warmth of his skin and the brush of his hair, his every move draws Levi closer, pulls him in, even with the space between their chests. “Eren, I want nothing more than to be with you.” Because Eren doesn’t let Levi go, doesn’t let him stray too far, and even when Levi repeatedly turned him away, denied him access to his heart, Eren waited patiently, let the warmth of his affections sink in until Levi couldn’t refuse it any longer. The realization weighs heavy in his chest, because how could he miss it? How is he always the last one to figure it out? Eren… Eren is his family, even before they finally got together, even before they promised forever, Eren had planted something of himself in the darkness below Levi’s heart, begged it to take root, to grow and live and thrive. Even the thought of ripping Eren away, the thought of giving him up, the thought of Eren doubting his commitment, it makes an unmatched apprehension swell in his body, dizzying his frame. “Please, don’t let me fuck this up.”

Hushed, a breath of air presses through Eren’s nose in a short laugh as he shakes his head. “You’re not fucking it up.” Fiery light streams from those eyes, bright and warm with lower lids creased by raised cheeks, the room is stilled around him when he smiles, and everything else is muffled, dim and faint compared to this. 

And it draws a beam of light into his murky head, his shadowy heart. Right… that’s how Eren gets him to do anything that brunet head can dream up, that’s how he drew him in. He’ll do anything for that smile, and Eren isn’t asking for much, so Levi gathers their crumb covered plates, their empty mugs, putting them on the tray as he speaks. “I’ll go with you.” Eren looks like he’s going to protest as Levi stands, dark pink lips fallen open, raised eyebrows, but the older man rounds the table with the tray steady in his hands, stopping with their shoulders merely a millimeter apart. “I’ve already made up my mind.” He wants to know everything about Eren, wants to know how that smile grew on top of such a gentle heart. “If you want me there, I’ll be there.” He wants to sift through every detail, every picture, every sentence those lips have ever muttered, to dive into Eren, sink deep into his heart, breathing him in and letting him fill his entire body with warmth, with light. So he presses his shoulder into Eren’s, feels the energy in the small space between their faces, lowering his eyebrows, his eyelids hanging heavy. “But we spend New Year's at home...alone.”

Choked behind a smirk, a bitten lip, a tight swallow, Eren’s eyes trace the contours of his face, his jaw, his neck, and Levi can feel every the way it draws shivers against his skin. “Deal.” 

“Now take me home.” He wills himself to keep a hold of his composure, to walk away from those dark pink lips, to rid of the tray, to not get ahead of himself. Because this is too good, the way their bodies sway together down the hallways, the way Eren holds the heavy wool of Levi’s jacket, eases it onto his arms, adjusts the collar, the way they walk down the sidewalk, unrushed by the chill at their fingertips or the aching of the darkened sky. He doesn’t want to forget this, the gentle whir of the car against the pavement, the calm that settles over his body with Eren behind the wheel, the quiet hum in the younger man’s chest, the tanned fingers that drape themselves over his leg, warm his skin, claim him with such a gentle weight.

The nerves don’t hit him until they’re both inside the doorway, until they’ve shed their coats and scarves and shoes, and he can’t quite pinpoint the reason, can’t quite catch up, because his mind is racing with thoughts too quick to grab onto. Eren sits in the center of the couch, dropping his backpack on the floor beside him, and Levi follows slowly, stopping before their knees touch, standing before Eren as the anxiety hangs heavy in his chest, beats a dull throb behind his ribcage, an anchoring weight against his heart. Decreasing space, shrinking between their bodies, their hearts, their lives… it’s so incredibly dizzying, painting a soft haze over his every neuron, firing jitters into the ends of his fingers, a dullness into the tips of his toes. He doesn’t want to fear it, doesn’t want to let the apprehension grab hold of him as Eren looks up with energy in his eyes, so he slips his knees on either side of Eren’s hips, sits on top of his thighs, aching closer and closer until there’s barely a breath between them, letting his voice seep out, soft, unsure. “What if they think we're moving too fast?”

And he watches the way his hands draw up Eren's chest, pressing his fingertips gently into the threads of his sweater, begging the shaking to stop. He lets unworthy grey find a quiet peace in tanned collar bones, a warmth in freckled cheeks, a comfort in the words that move from pierced lips. “I don't think we are.” No, they've moved so slow, committed over so many weeks, so many meetings. They should've moved faster, should've come together sooner, but Eren's fingers still trail up Levi's legs, palms lying flat and hot against his jeans, wrapping around his thighs. “You're the only one I've wanted for months.” And shimmering green flexes over dilated black when their eyes meet, soft and gentle and encouraging with every second of contact. “I've been loyal to...you.” Deafening, the pause between his words falls heavily in the quiet apartment, and Levi can see the color dull in Eren's eyes, the heavy throb of his heart skip beneath his hands. What has he done? “And I ruined it with that kiss...dammit.” The last word barely makes it out of his lips, too muted by disappointment as he lets his eyes fall and his chin turn down. 

And Levi's heart sinks a little further, his chest feels a little bit more empty and his fingers a little more tingly against Eren's chest. He was only looking for a little optimism in Eren's eyes, a little push forward with Eren's words, a little hope on his lips, but all he managed to do was drag Eren down to his level, insert doubt into his veins, bring tension and apprehension into his muscles. Can he erase what he's done? Can he bring a little strength back to Eren's body, a little bit of energy to the younger man's eyes? Trailing pale fingers up, drawing feigned strength onto bare skin, lining passive thumbs against Eren's jaw line, he tips his head to the side to meet doubtful green. “Are you still worrying about that?” His voice comes out too harsh, too cold, and he watches it weigh into the younger man beneath him with a scolding in his head.

Falling again, Eren’s gaze traces over something far off, something beyond Levi’s shoulder. “I made you worry... I made you think there is someone else out there who could ever take your place.”

It would be a lie if he says he hadn’t thought about it, if he says the thought of that coworker hadn’t crossed his mind this week. But Eren is loyal...Eren is caring, and above all else, he always makes sure that Levi is happy, that he’s taking care of himself, so that’s what Levi clings to, that’s what he thinks of to soften his voice, to will warmth in his fingertips as he urges Eren to lift his chin. Eren does everything for him, maybe he can do the same. “Where did you go after he kissed you?”

Flashes of confusion move through tight lips, scrunched eyebrows, flexing through big, green eyes before Eren speaks. “I came here.”

“You came here and told me. And then?” Watching closely, Eren’s eyes flit over Levi’s face, burn away at his composure, so he takes a deep breath, hopes his face is as relaxed as he wants it to be. “Then I erased it...” Pressing Eren’s shoulders up into the back of the couch, Levi sits the younger man up straight, looks down into the plump, pierced lips that have fallen open ever so slightly, lips that were pressed beneath another man's, parted by someone else's tongue. And he feels a surge of jealousy looking down Into Eren's widened eyes, his eyebrows high and his cheeks dusted pink...is it the residual chill from the December air, or is it the heat from Levi's eyes that burns red into Eren's face? “Have you already forgotten?” Has Eren forgotten the possessive weight of Levi's lips that night, the way he pulled Eren in like gravity, wiped away the memory of his coworker’s kiss with his own? Close...so close, Levi watches the swipe of Eren's tongue against pierced pink, the anticipation alive in the inches between their lips...he can’t help but move closer, bend his spine forward, lean so close that he could steal Eren’s lips with only a breath. But he doesn’t, no, he lets the electricity brew between their mouths, watches Eren’s eyes fall from fiery grey down to pale pink. “Do you want me show you again?”

“Yes-”

Hesitation flows away from his heated skin, nowhere to be found as he takes over Eren’s lips with his own. It’s the kind of kiss that could rewrite a moment, rework a memory, the kind that makes heat trickle on the back of Levi’s neck, because he moves with purpose, with fever, taking Eren’s face into his hands, parting those perfect lips. Closing off his mind to the rest of the world, nothing else matters but the sound of heavy breaths dancing across each other’s faces, the way they part for barely a second, turning their heads, crashing back in at a different angle. Why does something so simple feel so good? This is...absolutely intoxicating, the way Eren’s hands slide up Levi’s thighs, wrapping around his back, pulling him closer, tighter, the way his body responds with heat, with tingling and numbness and shivers...the way Eren’s tongue feels against his, the way their lips brush. They don’t stop, pulled close together until their chests ache for more air, until they can’t bear it, so they catch their breaths though heaving chests, gazes latching as Levi finds it in himself to speak again, to lay claim, to protect the person he’s fallen so hard for. “Your lips are mine now...no one else’s.”

Smiling from only inches away, a surge of happiness flexes through those stirring green eyes, pushing a deep blush into Levi’s cheeks. “You're so sweet…”

“I’m not sweet.” And it’s Levi’s turn to look away, letting his hands lay steady on Eren’s shoulders as he feels the warmth spread through his body.

Slipping behind his neck, Eren’s fingers pull him in, press a gentle heat into his spine, tug him a little closer into those dark, pink lips. And a breath moves through Levi like a sigh, a relief in his chest as Eren speaks. “Yes you are.” Leaning his head into Eren’s hand, the younger man holds him there, presses soft lips into his jaw, drawing a quiet timbre against Levi’s ear. “You’re my sweet…” And a kiss is placed behind the older man’s ear, sending shivers across his skin. “Compassionate…” Wet marks are left against Levi’s neck from soft nibbles of teeth, gentle soothing of his tongue as Eren buries himself in the neck of Levi’s sweater. “Loving boyfriend.” Prominent collarbones are splotched with heat as Eren slides his finger over Levi’s open lips, their eyes meeting as Levi takes Eren’s thumb into his mouth, pressing it with the tip of his tongue. 

“I think you’re getting me confused with you.” His voice slips from him without a thought, the words heavy and thick as they fall from his mouth, but he’ll take anything he can get, he’ll take the split second of widened green eyes, he’ll take the curve in the edges of Eren’s lips, he’ll take the heat of his lover’s kiss, and the heat of those hands tugging him in, he’ll willingly give up all control of his body, as long as Eren doesn’t pull away, as long as he doesn’t have to wait another week, another night, another minute. 

“I’m not.” He can barely keep a hold of himself, barely hang on to the shoulders of Eren’s sweater, sliding down the knitted fabric as he weighs into Eren’s kiss, can barely breathe when Eren pulls away enough to let his voice fit between them. “You’re shaking.” Sliding up his own body, Eren lays tanned fingers over Levi’s hands, steadying the tremors beneath his grasp.

What else is he to say but the truth? It seems so simple, like it’s been poised on his tongue, waiting to come out. “I’ve missed you.”

He doesn’t need to explain, doesn’t need to reword or rework, because his throat is tight around a loud swallow, his body is jittery beyond control, and his skin is hot beneath his clothes. “I’ve missed you too.” And Eren understands without further inspection, without a second, because he is the same. Desire and lust and this inexplicable need to be close to each other, to be freed of these clothes and these feelings and just give in to each other, Eren feels the same, and Levi can see it growing behind those darkened eyes. Despite that, Eren will make him wait until he’s almost fallen apart, tease him until he can’t hold it in any longer, fuck him and touch him and love him until he forgets what it’s like to be alone. So Levi will hold out just a little bit longer, will himself to hold on, because the fall is that much better when it starts held up in these tanned arms. “You seem relaxed, but I can see the tension in your shoulders.”

Short, quiet, Levi lets his shoulders fall with a long breath out as Eren slides his fingertips up Levi’s sleeves. How is he supposed to relax with this inescapable need coursing through him? “They've missed your attention too.”

“I'm sorry. I promise I'll make it up to them.” He doesn’t miss a beat, slipping his fingers over Levi’s shoulders, moving them to the junction of his neck beneath the oversized collar of his sweater. All he wants is for Eren to make it up to the rest of his neglected body, to fill him with unbridled tension, to make him ache and throb and wait until his desire spills over. “Stand up and turn around.” He does what Eren says without a second thought, slipping from the couch and facing the room, feeling Eren’s hands on his hips as he’s guided back down between the younger man’s legs, entombed in the heat of Eren’s chest on his back, Eren’s arms wrapping around him. “Which part of you needs me the most?” And his voice...fuck, it forces shivers down Levi’s spine, breath dancing against his neck as tanned fingers breach the other side of his clothes, pulling up the edge of his sweater and sliding against his skin. 

“Don't joke.” His own voice is choked in his throat, barely audible over the heavy beating in his chest, barely noticeable as plush fingertips trail their way around his waist, climbing up against his ribs. Every touch is so light, so gentle and soft and claiming all the same, because energy radiates from Eren’s skin, draws ripples of light and goosebumps along his body.

“I need to know where to start.” And he wants to give in, to break down and beg Eren to stop this insanity, to strip him of his clothes and his dignity and his thoughts, to press into his needy body, to release the pressure that’s already built up in his chest, the need that’s grown in his head. “Which part?” But he might not have to beg, not just yet, because Eren’s voice drips with a sharp need, a crucial, captivating want that stops Levi’s breath in his lungs.

Just a little bit, he can give in a little bit, and Eren will oblige, he doesn’t need to resort to begging. Relief moves through him with the words, glad that Eren can’t see the blood that has flushed his entire face, the heat behind needy, thoughtless grey. “All of me.” Every inch of this undeserving body, every millimeter of scarred skin and tender muscle, every coarse black hair on his head, he wants Eren to light him on fire with this crippling pleasure that he can’t quite get a hold of, can’t quite get used to. He wants Eren to grace unrefined lips and unworthy eyes with plush heat and an uninterrupted gaze. Every bit of him, every pointless, weakened part of him wants to be smothered in Eren, to be drown out by Eren’s voice as it comes out in words, in groans, in breathy laughs.

Levi is so tuned into it, so even when Eren presses his forehead into Levi’s neck, talks into the fabric covering his back, he can hear the voice clearly, can feel the smile around Eren’s words. “You need me that much?”

“Yes...” God, yes, isn't it obvious? Isn't it clear through the muted moan that escapes his lips? 

Lacing up beneath Levi’s sweater, teasing heat into his skin, Eren circles hardened nipples, brushing against them with just the tips of his fingers. And a quiet laugh emanates from Eren's throat, low and gritty as he speaks with his lips grazing Levi's ear. “Good, because I need you so much more.”

“Not possible.” Falling from his mouth without a thought, the words don't feel like enough, don't convey the need, but there’s no time to think of something better to say, something more meaningful, because blunt nails dig into his chest, draw hot, red lines into pale skin and goosebumps into Levi’s straightened spine. Wrapped up in Eren’s arms, he is pulled back into the younger man’s chest, both of them leaning back into the cushions of the couch. Overcome by deliberate hands, calculated fingers, Levi only listens to the heaving of breaths from Eren’s chest, the ones that pass through tinted lips next to his left ear, he only watches as Eren’s arms snake down his body, his right fist full with the creamy white threads of Levi’s sweater. Soft, tan, Eren’s skin looks so good wrapped around the knitted material as he pulls it up around Levi’s chest, holding it there as his left hand goes to work, but it looks a hell of a lot better as his skin brushes Levi’s abdomen, they come together, scarred and blemished and perfect all the same. 

Without difficulty, with only gentle breaths, Eren unbuttons and unzips Levi’s pants, drawing his fingertips back up against Levi’s stomach, tracing the line of darkened hairs beneath his belly button. He’s watching so closely over Levi’s shoulder, breaths gracing his ear, tearing at Levi’s attention, because both the fiery lust in Eren’s eyes and the heated movement of skilled hands pull at the older man’s consciousness as goosebumps form against his chilled skin. Plunging his hand between Levi’s jeans and boxers, Eren’s palm brings an unbearable heat against Levi’s hardened cock and a soft moan from Levi’s chest. Losing himself to the possibility, Levi lets himself be overwhelmed by this encompassing heat, feeling the weight of the breath in his chest and the heaviness of his body as Eren releases the sweater, wriggling Levi loose of his jeans, kicking them to the floor and relaxing back into the warmth.

The room is dim and dizzy around him, hot and cold and lonely, but he is not alone, he is steadied in Eren’s arms, giving in to Eren’s complete control willingly, easily, unable to stop the groan that aches from his chest as Eren tugs down his underwear and his cock springs free. His head...his head is full of want and need and is unable to grasp onto any way to convey it, unable to form the words on his tongue, so Eren’s voice guides him through the light, showing him how to navigate in this thick, sultry pleasure. “Show me again...how you do it.” Sweet, exacting, the timbre of Eren’s words resonate chills through Levi’s body, action through his head, so he obliges, taking his cock in his hand, rubbing his thumb over the tip, moving over the length, but all he can feel is the heat of Eren’s hands holding back his underwear, the warmth of his thumbs beneath the fabric. All he can feel is the way Eren watches him over his shoulder, the way he turns to look into limitless green, the way their lips gravitate together, moving and parting to tongues and moans as Levi strokes himself. 

All he can feel is the heat in his face as they pull apart, as Eren grabs the back of Levi’s thighs, lifting him so his feet are on Eren’s knees and his ass is planted on Eren’s cock still caged behind clothing. “Keep going.” And he doesn’t stop, doesn’t miss a beat once he’s back against Eren’s chest, working himself slowly, begging not to get carried away as Eren wraps his hands around Levi’s ass, squeezing the cheeks apart through his underwear. Teasing, touching, Eren presses a finger against Levi’s hole, separated only by a piece of fabric, surprising a soft noise from Levi’s chest, something that doesn’t sound like him, something pleading and pleasing that makes Eren move, offering his fingers to Levi’s mouth. In a daze of anticipation, Levi takes the them into his mouth, feels the tingling of his tongue against the tips of Eren’s fingers, grabbing Eren’s wrist to ease those fingers further into his mouth until they’re buried to the knuckle, watching with half-lidded eyes as Eren raises his eyebrows, pulling his lip tight and white between his teeth. 

Losing his grip on his patience, his control, Levi slides the fingers from his mouth, watching a trail of spit fall against his chest, a relieved breath moving from his lips as Eren slides his right hand over Levi’s, taking over stroking his cock, instructing him with quiet words to hold his left knee to his chest. And dampened fingers slip under Levi’s boxers, sliding the length of his middle finger against it the older man’s hole, pressing in slightly with a moan caught in his throat. Hardly breathing, hardly thinking, he is tipped at the edge of his consciousness, slave in his blurred body, his dizzied head, slave to Eren's hands, the way his arms span Levi's entire body, the way he moves slow inside him, against him, urging a frustrated moan from Levi's untamed mouth. Reduced to pleasure at the end of Eren's attention, and he wants nothing more than to fall into it, to give in, breathe out the anxiety, the doubt...

What was that feeling from earlier? That emptiness in his chest, that dull throb of loneliness he felt parting from Eren...he can’t quite remember what it felt like, can’t even grasp onto the thought of the shadows that lurk at the edges of his mind. Because nothing can get past this gentle undertaking, this sweltering, piercing heat that radiates from Eren’s skin, the concentrated, overflow of light from the places they come together, the unhurried sound of Eren’s voice giving away to a desperate word, a quiet demand. “I can’t take anymore.” Gratefulness aches through Levi’s body as Eren releases him, his hands and knees pressing into the carpet, because he’s losing a hold of his control, releasing his grip over his need. “Let me see you.” Following the gentle orders, he turns to his back, feels himself sinking into the soft strands of the carpet, watching Eren move in the low light, watches as his sweater is tossed aside, as shadows cast in the valleys of muscle and under the hills of bone, as focus takes over deep green and his lip is pulled tight between his teeth. 

It is...fuck...it is absolutely unbearable, the space between their bodies, the throbbing deep inside his ribcage, the dizziness that moves through his veins, the sound of unhinging belts and the soft shred of clothing as he closes his eyes to the room, the sound of a cap and the tear of a condom, the heaving in his chest...the fire beneath his skin, the one he wants to take him away, it begins to ignite in his chest, to burn away at his flesh, scorch the bone. It could incinerate his harrowing mind, cauterize his healing heart, leave him smoldering ashes, and it will be fine...as long as Eren doesn’t make him wait any longer, as long as Eren doesn't go… And he might just follow that thought, might just let that chilling shadow eclipse his heart, because just when he thinks he can't break over it anymore, just when he thinks he's got a hold of it, he feels the tightness in his chest, the chill in his fingertips, the embarrassment run red through his face. 

Eternity passes in barely a moment.

And the only thing that can draw him back, the only person who can find him in that darkness, reaches out to him, latches tanned fingers around his thigh, mumbles heavy words against his weary frame. “I want to do so much more…” He moves fluidly, his molten touch wrapping up Levi’s leg, tugging the askew underwear the rest of the way from his body, his eyes watch from above, lids low, lips hanging open around dissolving words. Those fucking eyes...they stare energy into Levi’s body, melt him down to nothing beneath them paired with the slow movement of those hands, the tease of his fingers against Levi’s hole. “But you’ve got me so worked up I can hardly stand it.”

Yet somehow Levi is the one reduced to shivers as sweat sparks against his skin...Eren knows exactly what he’s doing as he leans over Levi, he knows just how close he has to get as he plants his palm at Levi’s side, just how much skin needs to touch and just how much time he can wait before Levi falls apart completely. He can see the heat that moves to evaporate Levi’s body, drench him in sweat, and whisk him away, he can gauge it because he’s the one that caused all of this, he's the one hovering over Levi's frame, he's the one forcing these choppy breaths from Levi's lips, watching intently, stretching three fingers into his opening, refusing to move further.

All he has to do is ask, all he has to do is tell Eren he can’t take it anymore, that he's at his limit. So he wraps his fingers around Eren's shoulders, tugging him closer without resistance, close enough to sink into those lips, close enough to burn up at the heat of those eyes, close enough that he can feel the energy of Eren's bitten smile tinge against his skin. “Then don’t make me wait any longer.” For fuck’s sake don't leave him in this limbo between unwarranted doubts and fulfillment, don't leave him weakened and weary from anxiety and fear, no. All he wants is to be swallowed whole by Eren's desire, to be worn down to nothing under his touch, to be torn from his roots, to be replanted and raised up, to bloom under the light of lively green eyes even in this darkening winter.

And that's just what Eren does, he presses a moan from Levi's lips, one punctuated in a kiss, sloppy and heated and perfect, one that racks its way through his body at the tips of Eren's fingers buried inside him. Weighing their bodies together, pressing against his chest, he loses himself in the way Eren's breath tingles against his face, the way a simple kiss has his mind racing and his chest heaving, the way Eren is already pulling away and posing himself to continue as the begging breaks from behind Levi's tongue. “Eren...please. Ahh-" And his knees are pressed to his chest, his breath halted in his throat, his thoughts completely stunted in his head as Eren buries himself completely in Levi's ass. 

Relief forms on their lips, a sigh so sweet and a touch so hot that Levi closes his eyes to the sight of Eren's gentle features softening around his pleasure. “I'm sorry…I'm sorry I made you wait so long.” Quiet, gritty, Eren's voice tingles in his ears, ripples goosebumps against his skin, and all he can do is thank fuck that the pause in Eren's body has worn off as he moves, pulling out slowly and pressing back into Levi's shivering frame. 

Levi doesn't acknowledge the apology, doesn't have the time or control to craft anything clever to say, he's too overcome with the pressure, too preoccupied with getting Eren as close as possible. “Come here.” Voice heavy, weighted with need, he watches as Eren releases pale legs only to have them wrap around him, he watches as Eren's chest moves with his breath, as he holds tension in his shoulders to keep his rhythm. It's not enough, it could never be enough, he wants their chests to heave together, for their skin to plaster together with sticky sweat, for Eren to stop this slow, tantalizing movement and to just bend him into the perfect form in his arms. It's not enough...he wants Eren buried so deep inside him that he can't breathe, wants to be smothered in his kiss, to be held tight and dragged over the sharp edges of his pleasure. So he can't stop his demanding tongue from getting what he wants, can't stop his needy, insatiable body from wrapping tight around Eren, from pulling the younger man in with force in his legs. “Closer.”

Eren lets out a little sound, a quiet groan with a bitten lip, holding back his movement as Levi forces their bodies together, holding back his tongue as Levi lets an undignified moan ache from his throat. He just wants this to last, wants to be weighed down by the touch of Eren's body for as long as possible, but he can't stop himself from chasing this feeling, can't stop himself from wanting to find release in Eren's touch. And Eren keeps holding out, sweat springing from his forehead, tacking brown hairs dark and wet against his face, his voice coarse and rough around a whisper. “Careful…” Close enough to drag down into a kiss, close enough to disassemble Levi with only a breath, Eren’s words fall thick, grainy, needy from swollen pink lips as he adjusts his knees beneath his movements. “You are…”

Harsh, graceless, Eren thrusts against Levi, interrupting his silent pleading, brushing away his composure, tugging free the unfettered need in Levi’s throat as he pushes a shiver into the older man’s spine, a buck in his body. “Nnn-ahh!” 

“Really testing at my patience…” Wraps his arm around the small of Levi’s back, pressing neatly spaced nail marks into the pale skin of his side, tipping him up, dragging him in, he forces that lithe body as close as Levi wanted while keeping those lips too far to reach, too plump and too perfect hanging open around hitched breaths.

Clumsy, pale fingers hook around the backs of Eren’s knees to hold himself steady, hold himself down as his back is propped up against Eren’s thighs, and he watches the way reliable, tanned hands trail up against his skin, drawing lines with the backs of fingernails, painting his tongue in spit with a quick swipe at the edges of his lips. Those tingling fingers take a hold of Levi’s shoulder, just hard enough to hold him still, just gentle enough to hold him here and now in this moment that won’t slip away from his consciousness. “Ahh Jesus...fuck-”

Clenching his teeth, he can’t stop the unhinged groans from aching from his chest, from moving through his throat as a grated moan with each precise thrust against him, with each word that graces his ears from his lover’s tongue. “Eating away at my composure…” But he seems so restrained, so controlled and muted and commanding as he moves with Levi’s body, grinding a little further, forcing a bend in Levi’s spine, the further tip of his hips, bending him into himself with a precise thrust to the spot that makes him lose his grip.

“Eren!” Makes him lose his hold over his voice, his hold over Eren’s knees, and he just might get carried away, just might lose all sense of his composure, might be completely fine with the loss. Levi...he has gained no tolerance for this heated touch, no resistance to the spark of their skin or the heat of their connection, it dismantles him at the core every time they come together, every time they strip away the clothing and the thoughts and the doubts, every time they look at each other, every time they kiss, every time Eren presses into his body. And he loves it, can’t get enough of it, won’t give in until he’s completely pinned, until he realizes the hot scrapes the carpeting is leaving against his back, until his body is slack and his mind is unbuttoned and Eren can no longer hold himself back. “Mmm ah-”

It’s so close, so intoxicating as those eyes trace all over Levi’s chest, mark an unmatched heat against prominent collarbones, goosebumps into the skin of his neck, flushing his face with blood, lips hanging open, parted to a moan, parted for attention. Those eyes move into his gaze, bright and green and flexing with energy, with fever, with an overwhelming dip in that steadfast resistance. “I might lose a hold of myself.” And Levi can see it, can see the short twitch in the muscles of Eren’s arms, the tightness in his jaw, the sheen of sweat on his skin, the promise of their complete collapse on his tongue. “Is that what you want?” But his focus is still Levi, still bent on fucking Levi endlessly until he gets what he wants, letting his hand trail back down the older man’s body, grabbing Levi’s cock, pausing to receive his answer. 

“Please...” As long as he doesn’t fucking stop… as long as Eren melts away at Levi's lips with an unbroken kiss, as long as he doesn't stop stroking and thrusting and kissing. There is only one moment, only one unbearable pause, as Eren takes in a sharp breath between them, throwing his free hand next to Levi’s head, digging his fingertips deep into the carpet, dragging claw marks into the the strands with a feral energy in half-lidded eyes, an untamed groan on his lips as he falls back into Levi’s kiss… “Mmmn yes.” That’s right… that light eats away at everything… how could he have forgotten that ferocious intensity, or the weight of his body, or the way his own damned heart flutters tameless inside his chest? Slipping apart, slamming back together, their kisses become unruly as Levi is bent further beneath Eren’s touch, mewling and grunting and gripping onto Eren’s body for a little strength as he slips over the edge with a heaving breath in his chest. “Er...en haa fuck…”

But Eren gives no strength, following close behind, still burying himself inside Levi’s throbbing body, still moving until every drop of cum has spilled from both of their unrestrained bodies, still moving until Levi’s name falls gently from those perfect, pierced lips, until he lays a heavy head into the crook of Levi’s neck, holding their limbs in perfect tension with breaths hauled from their chests. “I love you, Levi.” The words tingle across sweaty, pale skin, the timbre shaking in his bones, the meaning throbbing in his heart as Eren’s bright smile moves before his tired eyes.

“I love you too.” And he’s taken over by a short kiss, just the press of swollen pink, the gentle pull away, the overwhelming feeling that there’s more to say. “Eren… I love you.” His name feels so important, so heavy on an ungrateful tongue, but it is received with a soft smile, returned with another kiss, and another at the edge of his jaw, the base of his neck, the goosebumps on his abdomen graced with a hot tongue as he is licked clean. Steady hands lift him, bring him beneath the spray of the shower, wash him and dry him and lead his drowsy body to his bed, sit him beside their laid out clothes, leave him to pick up their mess. And he’s...he’s so fucking tired, so worn out from the constant ups and downs of doubt, of buried anxieties and unspoken hunger, all he wants is to sink into Eren’s hold, to tell the man how precious he is, how close he is to Levi’s heart. But words aren’t easy, they don’t form easily in his head, they don’t make sense, and just how is he supposed to ask for closeness when they only just came together? Sex… sex is an old fall back between them, the way he let himself get close to Eren, the only thing he allowed himself to do to feel Eren’s warmth before fully giving in, still now it’s so hard to ask for attention, to ask for intimacy, proximity, affection.

Tracing wrinkled fingertips against the threads, Levi takes Eren’s sweater into his hands, outlines the white diamonds and the black lines, the purple and blue triangles, the gentle wearing in the fabric around the elbows, and he slips his arms into the holes, tugs it over his head, ruffling dampened hairs back into place. Soft, an almost inaudible hum of content moves through his chest as he looks down at the hem of the sleeves stretched out around his widened palms, the extra baggy material hanging around his elbows, rolling into comfortable folds around his slouched frame, the wafting scent of Eren’s soap and deodorant gracing his nose as he pulls the itchy material to his chest. 

Leaning against the door frame, Eren clears his throat, drawing Levi’s eyes up to Eren’s taunting smirk, his wary eyes, his barely clothed body standing in the doorway. “You’re so cute.” And Eren moves past him, behind him, crawling onto the bed and wrapping tanned arms around Levi’s shoulders, holding him tight. “I never thought I could be this jealous of a piece of clothing.” 

Eyes meeting over Levi’s shoulder, Eren’s lips turn into a smile, pulling that dimple into his lightly freckled cheek. “Jealous?” How could he be jealous? All he wants is to be closer, to lean back into the arms holding against him because he is the jealous one, jealous of friends and work and coworkers, jealous of the space between them.

“I want to be that close to you…” He really has no clue, no inkling of just how important he is, does he?

Because that’s exactly what he wants… so he breaks their gaze, pulls the sweater from his body as Eren releases his arms, crawling up into the turned down sheets, settling into his pillow with an expectant look on his face, high eyebrows and tired eyes and subtle smile. Eren moves close behind, falling into the pillows, shutting off the light, inching closer to Levi as he pulls the blankets over their nearly bare bodies. And Levi breaks the breath of space between them, leaning his back into Eren’s chest, feeling the warmth of his skin, letting the younger man adjust his arm beneath the pillows as he churns the words through his head. “I can’t get enough of you.” Does it sound as pleasant coming from his lips as he practiced in his mind? 

Soft, gentle, a breath of air moves through Eren’s nose as he pulls Levi close, pressing his palm flat against Levi’s chest, feeling the heavy beating of his heart. “Good...I have so much more to give.”

There is no retort in Levi’s mind, no doubt about the energy in Eren’s heart as it beats heavily against his back, he’s too tired to question it, utterly too exhausted to wonder if he’s deserving of that kind of attention, so he settles into the cove of Eren’s arm, sways in the breaths that move like waves into his back, breathes soft and gentle like the air against his ear. He sinks into Eren, releasing himself into forgotten goodnights, into the promise of gentle words, because he wants to explore every detail of the eroded seabeds, every molecule that makes up foamy water, he wants to find the darkest parts of Eren, to hold them down, to soak them up, to wash up on the shore, to find himself worthy of unburdened light and undimmed green.

He can do at least that much, can’t he?


	17. Floating In Emerald Sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why does he have to be this way? So needy, so demanding, so…utterly crippled by the things he has done, the things done to him, but Eren steadies him anyway, stabilizing him with a simple touch, a quiet word. And he is suddenly so far from unwilling, so close to giving in, feeling the sway of the tires along the freeway and the soft movement of the music, the heat from beneath Eren’s palm.

Shaken, there is no stopping the startled shivers that move across his fingers, the prickling heat that draws up against his shoulders, the unease dropping heavy in his gut as Eren's name comes across his phone. He's not ready to leave the quiet comfort of his lonely apartment, not prepared to sit with his own awkward, uneasy silence in Eren's car for five hours, not even remotely prepared to meet the young man's family, or to face their questioning about himself, his goals, his life, his commitment to their son. Eren...his voice is so gentle on the phone, his energy held in check as he offers to come up, to carry Levi's suitcase, but he isn't even fully packed, he's spent too much time with his clothes folded in piles upon his bed, too much time pacing across the carpeting, pressing footprints into fresh vacuum lines. Too much time staring at his backup plan, the gift for when his number one plan inevitably goes horribly wrong, or he backs out of it all together, the meticulously placed desk tucked beside bay windows, standing symmetrically beside Levi's. It's the same build, the same shape, the same hardware, the same curved edges, but it stands out, rich with reds and knotted browns, etched from some wood he can't name, some wood Mike wouldn't shut up about when he dropped it off.

But the gifts don't matter if he doesn't make it past meeting Eren's parents, the gifts don't matter if he fucks this up bad enough to lose Eren's smile, his trust, his love. None of this preparation matters if they don't accept him, none of his fleeting hopes or pointless plans matter if they don't like him, and that realization weighs in his throat as he quickly zips up his suitcase, double checking for everything as he walks down the stairs. The weight of the situation seems lightened by the smile perched on pierced lips as he moves through the door, and he surely isn't worth it...surely isn't worth the pleasant sound of the hum in Eren's chest as he pushes himself from his slouched position against the car, or the gentle voice that moves from his mouth. "Good morning." And he isn't worth the nice things Eren will say about him when he expresses his worry, so he buries it down, holds it tight in his esophagus, lets it dwell in his chest as Eren's hand slips over his, taking the weight of the suitcase to slip it into the trunk beside his. And he is stripped of his laptop bag, relieved of the coat draped over his arm, left almost weightless on an unsteady frame as Eren tucks his things safely into the back seat. Eren will take all the weight if Levi lets him, will burn up a little of that bright energy to expel some of the darkness in his heart, and it's not fair.

It's not fair, so he moves to open the passenger side door, to get in the car, to slip into this ride with the shadowy fingers of doubt edging in on the corners of his mind. But his elbow is caught in the hold of Eren's fingers, warmth wrapping into the crook of his arm and the folds of his black thermal shirt, pulling at him gently from his stalled space on the sidewalk. And heat overwhelms him, starts as a spark at his arm, a wave across his shoulders as Eren pulls him in, tucks him close into his chest, a puff of hot air as he breathes out into Eren's shirt. And he couldn't deny it if he wanted to, can't hold on to the shreds of anxious energy that slip from his fingers, so he digs them into Eren's back, pulls him closer, tighter, burying himself in the soft fabric of Eren's shirt until he can't breathe in the space between them. Weight and pressure and tension of unspoken doubts ease from his shoulders, replaced by the hold of Eren's arms, the spread of fingers into his hair, the press of heavy breaths until the cold bites and they have to pull away, until the call of their day begs them forward, and the quiet gravel of Levi's voice slips from his lips. "Good morning."

Entering the car, shielding themselves from the bitter cut of the wind, Levi settles into the seat with a gentleness in his chest as the intoxicating smile stretches across Eren's lips. Tremor in his fingertips, he buckles the seatbelt across his body, accepts travel mug from Eren's hold, feels the warmth from its contents seep into his palms as the younger man's voice moves across his skin. "There's your tea, your breakfast." And he takes a sip, lets the heat trail down his throat as Eren moves through his checklist, let's the soft energy of his lover's voice sink him into the seat with a quiet smile on his lips. "Bottled water and sandwiches in the cooler for later." Reaching, stretching into the backseat, he grabs something from behind Levi, tugs it closer into Levi's peripherals and leaves it just within reach. "I brought your favorite blanket from my bed." The soft one woven with reds and purples that Eren wraps over his shoulders when he's sitting at his desk, the one he tucks Levi into when they're huddled close on the couch, the one that Levi runs his fingers over when he wakes in the middle of the night, tugs into his chest with Eren pulled close behind him. It's just another bit of home and the safety of their connection apart from everyone else, apart from expectation and meddling. "And made the perfect road trip playlist." Settling back into his seat, he fiddles with his phone screen, starting the first song and letting the music move gently behind his smile. "You ready to spend five uninterrupted hours with me?"

That's right, Eren's energy is alive beneath Levi's skin, his excitement apparent in his voice, and Levi doesn't deserve it, not one second of it, but he'll soak it in anyway. "Yes." Even if the destination is anxiety inducing, he can be happy about this time with Eren... he should enjoy it, should remember the way Eren returns his smile, the way he hums quietly with the song as he pulls the car out of the parking lot, the way his eyes flit from mirror to mirror, the way tanned skin and gentle fingertips look brushed up against the dark plastic of his gearshift, and pray he doesn't fuck this weekend up enough to have to let all of that go.

Let Eren go... the words repeat in his head, move heavy through his throat, sink low into his stomach. There will be no choice when Eren's family makes their inevitable decision about their relationship, about him, he won't allow it, won't allow the words to leave Eren's lips if his foolish heart decides to choose Levi. Eren has promise and a future and a personality. And he won't let it get to that point, he won't let Eren choose him, won't let it go that far if it comes down to it. So he picks crumbles from the muffin Eren brought him, lets them stuck in his throat, lets them weigh into his gut. Silent to the background of a song he’s never heard, the sound of the car moving against the pavement, he wills the tea to warm him, the breading to soak up the anxiety in his body as they move without resistance down the freeway.

Cement walls and pillars give way to patchy yellow grass, the varied greens in the trees, the wave and wane of the hills beside them, around them, the glimpse of far-reaching flatlands between hoarded forests, the windmills peeking over far-off farms. And it’s all blanketed by the uniform grey of the sky, the homogenous constant of clouds that pop the deep needles of the evergreens and flatten the neutral etched browns of leafless frames. 

Manifested in his chest as a rushed set of breaths, a heavy heart knocking, thrumming, pressing against his ribcage, the worry is hot and tight as time aches forward and they speed toward the inevitable end, the unavoidable destruction of this little piece of happiness he's acquired… and he's alone. He's alone and barely a foot away from the man who has built him up, the man who threatens to tear him down with one act, one trip, one family visit, and Levi's the idiot who agreed to it. They should've waited, not because they'd accept him more if he and Eren had a longer history, not because Eren would probably stay with him even if it went poorly, but because he'd have more time. More time to soak in the rays of light that shine from tanned skin and persistent fingertips, more time to listen to Eren’s favorite music, watch his favorite shows, more time to eat his cooking, more time to note the gentle stretch of Eren’s body as he moves into waking in the quiet mornings, more time to feel the sway of his breaths as he drifts into sleep beside Levi at night. That’s what he’s facing with this weekend if he isn’t impressive enough, attentive enough, good enough… and if his thoughts ever catch up to his body, if his doubts ever spoke louder, quicker than his anxious body, maybe he would’ve just asked Eren to stay home after all, maybe he wouldn’t be here with this thick space separating him from Eren, maybe he wouldn’t be here staring at the folds of his pants around his bent knees wishing he had done everything differently. Differently, invited Eren up to his apartment this morning, stopped him in the doorway, dragged him in by his coat, begged him to do everything in his power to wear Levi out, set them back an hour or two. Fuck- 

Bridging the gap, Eren's hand reaches over the center console, gently brushes the knuckle of his index finger against Levi's thigh. It's just enough, just enough to pull him back in, to bring him back to now. Gravelly, quiet, Eren's voice moves through him in a shiver, goosebumps prickling against his skin. “Are you regretting your decision yet?”

But he isn't the only one with unease moving through him, he isn't the only one with doubts and worries and needs...he's making Eren uneasy, bringing a shake to perfect fingertips, a nervous bitten lip to the once glimmering smile. So he hooks his finger into the bend of Eren's, feeling the warmth seep into the ridges of his fingerprints, feeling the younger man glance over as he gathers the words in his throat. Regret...he could never regret the inexorable gravity between them, the inexplicable pull between their bodies, the soft thrum of Eren's heart behind his ribcage, the weight of his lips, the ease of his kiss, the freedom behind his touch. Levi could never regret the way the space between them melted away, and it wouldn't be fair to admit his fears now, his decision was made, the hope of getting to know more about Eren more important than the threat of ridicule, the possibility of the end. Eren would never believe them to be so fragile, would he? Does he even know anything about Eren's heart at all? “I'm just...worried they'll think I know nothing about you.” 

Because he doesn't, he doesn't know anything, doesn't deserve the attention of Eren's light, but he begs for it anyway, takes a breath when Eren squeezes his finger with a calm energy in his voice. “It's not like you have to take a quiz to get into my house.”

It's meant to be a joke, punctuated by a quiet smile on pierced pink, but even Eren's playful tone is too far from his ears, unable to reach across the cold space between them. “If I did, I don't think I'd pass.” He'd surely be sent away, be at the other end of the disappointed look in gleaming green, low, brown eyebrows, lips pulled tight, dismissal on a caged tongue.

“It doesn't matter to me if you don't know what elementary school I went to or what I wanted to be when I was seven.” Instead, he gets Eren's overturned palm, the offer to soak up a little more warmth, to feel the heat from tanned skin, the soft expression of the younger man's glance, brows raised, eyes wide, encouragement on his lips. “You know the person I am now, the person I want to be, you know what's important to me.” How can he be so sure? How is it that warmth spreads from between their palms, stretches up the inside of Levi's arm, draws shivers against his skin? “That means much more to me.” And Eren squeezes his hand, a smile gleaming at him in a split second, one bright enough to begin to quell the chill of his doubts. “Besides, you're going to know far more than you ever wanted to by the end of this weekend, naked baby pictures and hockey stats and all.”

“But I want to know all of that.” Levi wants to know the origin of every scar etched into Eren's perfect skin, the space he spent his time, the places he went when he felt alone, the people that kept him happy, any and everything to understand where this impossible heat was forged. 

“Then you'll know me the best out of everyone.” Second only to Eren himself, the person that knows how to make a smile cross those lips, the person that knows how to comfort him to sleep and wake him in the morning… he wants to be as good for Eren as Eren is for him, could that ever be possible? Turning to Eren, he watches as the younger man swallows hard, pulling his lips tight between his teeth. “I want to know you that well too.”

But he does. He might not know everything that Levi went through, but he knows the lasting fractures it left in Levi’s frame, the hangups in his heart, and despite all that, Eren still wants to be closer, to reach into Levi, to brush fingertips over untouched scar tissue, to reach into the cavity of his chest and fill him with light. Light...he is light in his seat with a joke on his lips. “Naked baby pictures and hockey stats and all?”

Soft, gentle, a smile passes dark pink lips, a quiet laugh in his chest. “Yes.” That’s it, the reason he puts himself in these situations, the reason he’s here.

“Sorry...I didn't play hockey.”

And that smile opens to bright teeth, the warm trickle of Eren’s laugh, the curved up crescents of his eyelids, prompting a pinch from Eren’s fingers and a squirm from Levi retreating from the touch but not retreating from the warmth that comes next as Eren lays his palm flat against Levi’s thigh, drawing fingers against the inner seam of his jeans. “What's your full name?” Levi leans back into the seat, turning his shoulder to comfortably look at Eren. “I feel like I should know this.”

“You do. Levi Ackerman. No middle name.” Eren nods, eyes flitting between mirrors as he changes lanes. “What about you?”

“Eren Grisha Jaeger.” And those eyes flit to Levi, only for a passing second to take in the soft smile the older man can't wipe from his face. “It's my dad's name.” There's a spark of something in his voice as he continues, something that churns in Levi's stomach as he remembers the look on Eren's voice when his father has called. “Grisha Jaeger m.d., Carla Jaeger ph.d., Mikasa Jaeger soon to be m.d.”

Running over the names in his head a few times, Levi works over the titles, the way they come out of Eren's mouth, not like jealousy, more like a soft disappointment. Like the name is something he feels like he doesn't fit into, feels like he isn't good enough for. Eren chews at his lip, breathes heavily, through his nose with a heaving chest, holding himself back from saying any more, like it wasn't meant to come out that way in the first place, but there's no way to erase the words or the way he said them. 

Realization falls heavy in Levi’s throat, this is the reality for Eren, living overlooked by everyone, fallen behind in the shadows of his name, lost in a space where letters and degrees and titles mean more than bright smiles and a kind heart. If only he could spill the words that run through his head, the warmth in his heart… Eren Jaeger, a drop of water in a drought, the first sip of tea on a winter morning, a ray of light in crippling darkness, the scent of fresh bread after a lifetime of hunger, a living, walking, breathing relief. Eren Jaeger, a warm touch in the cold, a soft word in a memory full of scoldings, a gentle hand gracing a body weighted in anger and anguish. Eren… he’s safety housed in a human, he’s comfort and pleasure and satisfaction rolled up into one messy head, he’s a graceful undertaking in tanned skin, he’s a fierce wholesomeness in dark pink lips, a mindful rapture in golden green. Could Levi’s clumsy lips ever let Eren know that? Or will he always settle for something safer, something easier? “Did your seven year old career dreams live up to their standards?”

Is it the words or the soft look in Levi’s eyes that make Eren’s face brighten with a smile? Is it the anxious energy in the car, or this mutual need that moves through their touch that makes Eren’s voice move so gently? “No I'm pretty sure I wanted to be a cheese taster.” Laughter bubbles from both of their throats, forming somewhere deep within their chests, a hilarity only deepened by the blush that moves through Eren’s face, the little teardrops that form in the corners of his eyes, the way he releases Levi’s leg to clutch at his tensed stomach when the final giggle moves through him. A sigh moves through them as they relax back into their seats, a bitten lip on Levi’s face as he tries to quell another outburst and Eren’s voice moves him into a quiet solace. “What did you want to be?”

Nothing… he wanted to be nothing. Deflection is his first instinct, his first reaction, but in truth, he didn’t want to be nothing, he wanted to be a kid, he wanted to watch his mother make dinner and help her clean up the dishes, he wanted to surprise her with new words he learned, he wanted to keep living like they always had… or maybe that’s just hindsight creeping up his spine. What did he want to be, before the trauma, the beatings, the loss? “I think…” It’s been too long since he’s spoken, his voice creaks from a raw throat, catching Eren’s attention in the quiet. “I think I wanted to be a teacher like my mom.” Fuck… he can’t grab a hold of his voice, but it comes out level, calm as the younger man glances at him. How do they go back? They could go back to the laughter, the smiles, but this means so much more, this means something to Eren, this brings the warmth of Eren’s hand back to Levi’s thigh. “But that was before I knew anything about social awkwardness and anxiety.” Before he lost his best role model, before he lost hold of himself.

Chewing his lip, Levi watches Eren work over the next question for a long second. “What was her name?”

Which of them is more afraid of the question? “Kuchel.” It’s been so long since he’s said her name, so long since she’s been the topic of conversation. Does she think he’s forgotten about her after all this time?

“Kuchel.” Faint, gentle, Eren whispers her name, repeats it for himself, and it sounds so sweet moving from his mouth, so sweet that it almost lessens the weight of the next words to fall from pierced lips. “And your father?”

“I don't know.” It’s so understated, he doesn’t know, doesn’t care, doesn’t know how he can harbor so much indifference for someone that he’s never met. Apathetic, listless, he lets his eyes fall to the seam of Eren’s sweatshirt, the way it lines the edge of his shoulder, the way it falls and sways down his arm. “I don't think she knew either.” And he can’t look up from the seam, can’t check Eren’s face, can’t stand the silence. This is why he doesn’t talk about these things, he’s surely only managed to make Eren uncomfortable, only managed to make it harder for the younger man to look at him. “But we made it just fine on our own.” And then she slipped away from him, left him in Kenny’s capable hands. 

“There was nobody else who would take you in?” So close, so near, the words would be invasive of they came from anyone else's mouth...too close to something he's pressed down beneath the surface, something he's willed to stay in the darkened corners of his thoughts.

There's no nice way to put it, no gentle way around the fact that his grandparents were disgusted by his mere existence, no softened way around the fact that he had no one to turn to. The words stay wrapped up in his throat, twisted behind his tongue for a long moment until the quiet is louder than the thought, until he can see Eren glancing over in the corner of his eye. “Nobody wanted the youngest daughter's bastard child.” It feels harsh when the words fall from his mouth, harsh and morbid and true, so he keeps his eyes forward, fixed on the infinitely approaching horizon, keeps his breath held in his chest, keeps his expectations between himself and whatever Eren decides to say. 

“I want him.” And Levi's gaze tears away from the world beyond the windshield, turns to the softened green of his lover's eyes. “I want him.” Even as he watches the road, Eren's voice sinks deep into Levi's ears, crawls stiff down his spine and draws goosebumps over his skin. It's ridiculous, the heat that pours into his cheeks, the squirm of discomfort at the gentle tone, because the words don't change him… he is still a frame built from shards of metal over cracked cement, still supported by rotting wood and remodeled bones, the beginnings of a home raised and broken and beaten by wind and rain and snow. He's still the same, still armed with abrasive words, still marked and damaged by the scars etched into his skin, his bone, his heart… Eren's words could never change his past, could never fill the pitted concrete or replace the shattered glass. No… Eren’s company only draws light against the deepest scars in his heart, only moves through broken windows in interrupted beams, only reaches deep into his flesh, his cavity, his core, flecked with dust particles. Eren's words, his existence, his presence, shed light into the parts of him he never dared turn his eye toward, brings pain in realization and comfort in acceptance to the world beneath burn marks and scars. He is… a tree torn through cement, grown twisted and gnarled through an industrial exterior, he broke himself, tore himself down, cracked through the confines of his ribcage, draped tattered foliage over unfinished architecture. 

But Eren’s love makes him palatable, makes every knick and scar acceptable, every mistake inviting, and every broken word a chance at redemption. It's…it's an impossible feeling, a strange heat that burns from the pit of his stomach, a pleasant pain at the reopening of old wounds, the mention of old memories. It's exactly how he loves Eren… down to every last detail, every swallowed word, every curious quirk. But how could he ever accept a love that piercing, a feeling so deep that it reaches down into him and digs into his heart? How can Levi keep up? “And I want you…” The words fall heavy from a staggered mouth, if only they meant more, if only they could carry the weight of his feelings, if only they could bring a smile to that undeniable light. “With or without the degrees or the titles or any of that.” It's not quite enough, not quite the extent of his thought, but it's the best he can do with the space between their bodies… maybe if he were closer, caught up in a tangle of limbs, soaked in sweat, exhausted by Eren’s touch, maybe then he could prove his intentions, demonstrate his desires. “I want you more.” 

Tight, audible, Eren’s swallow pushes Levi a little further, grants him the strength to place his hand over Eren’s, allows him to lace his fingers into the heat, lets him accept the smile that radiates from dark, pink lips. Tucking away the rest of the thought, he keeps the remaining words for later when they’re tucked between the sheets, when their breath dances across each other’s skin and the gentle pull between them is drawn into movement. Because Eren’s voice moves the conversation, his cheeks dusted with blush, digging deeper as he speaks. “What is your favorite food?”

“Hmm…” And she’s already so close, her memory warm and almost foreign as he drinks the remainder of the tea in his cup, lets the liquid bring heat to his stomach. Something his mother made when he was sick, something she cooked slow on the stove, simmering heat into the house on cool winter days, something some might see as childish, but he hasn’t thought of it in so long, hasn’t had in what feels like a lifetime. “Homemade chicken noodle soup.” 

Pleasant, soft, a sound hums in Eren’s chest and his gaze flits over the windshield. “Favorite... time of day?”

“Midnight.” Because the darkness has already firmly settled over his little corner of the earth by then, because his mind works best when the sky matches the energy, because for the past few weeks he’s in bed by then, pinned and restrained by Eren’s body, secured and protected by his touch, teased by his breath, warmed by his kiss, coaxed to rest by his presence. “What about yours?”

“Dusk.” Closing his eyes, Levi breathes softly to the thought of walking beside Eren on one of the nights their professor released them early, watching directly before his steps on the sidewalk in the diminishing light. It's quick in his recollection, the words on Eren's lips as he marvelled at the sky, the way he drew Levi's attention up to the world gilded in soft, golden light, glowing warm against Eren’s skin, the way he caught the glimmer in dilated green... he could learn to like that too, could fall for every time of day through Eren's eyes, through an undamaged heart. “Favorite thing about Washington?”

Distance, the way it put an entire country between him and the place he grew up, proximity, the way it drew him closer to something he never knew existed, but he can't say that. “Rain.” Because it pulls him back, it keeps him remembering what little he can about his mother, it keeps him remembering the things she loved, the way the world pulled her away. Tilting his head, he watches Eren expectantly, waiting for a drawn out answer, a feeling captured in a thought, some profound simplicity he’s overlooking.

“You.” Not the smell of the air, not the chill of the world aching into winter, not the flower baskets that hang on the bridge between their apartments, not the pull of dew on blades of grass, but Levi. 

Echoing in his head, the word replays until the implications seep into his mind, overcoming his cheeks in a deep blush, inciting the knot in his throat. Objections fill his mouth, words forming from a hollow body, too broken and beaten and unworthy to accept Eren's constant, consistent love. But it gets in anyway, passes undeserving ears and sinks heat into his chest, and it can't be true, but he doesn't put up a fight, doesn't deflect, doesn't worry over proving Eren wrong. “That's not fair.” Because he would've said that if he knew it was an option. He would've said that if he knew he could admit it without scaring himself. 

“It's entirely fair.” Anything goes when it comes from such a genuine smile, any word can sound believable backed by such a gentle tone, any word, hell, any compliment seems viable when it slips from those perfect, pierced lips, so Levi will take it. He'll take all of it, every last unbelievable word, every kind touch, he'll soak it in until he can feel the numbness ache away from his tired muscles. “Favorite color?”

It's a bit harder to get the same reaction from Eren, to turn his cheeks red and his voice into a tremor, but Levi tries anyway, letting a surprised tone tease Eren's ears. “You don't know my favorite color?” 

“It was never discussed!” Visibly flustered, Eren glances over at Levi, eyebrows high and lips pulled tight as a return to the older man's feigned disappointment.

Pushing further, tilting his shoulders forward, Levi mirrors Eren’s expression, lets his voice tease a bit more. “I know yours.”

“Really, Mr. I-don't-know-anything-about-you knows my favorite color.” Squeezing, pinching, Eren kneads his fingers into Levi's leg, gently pressing at each word from his lips.

Settling back into the seat, a smile creeps onto his face at the heated energy of Eren’s voice. “It's not hard, you wear it almost every day.” And he pulls the sleeve of Eren's shirt into his fingers, slides the fabric between the ridges of his fingertips, the perfect mix of red and purple, the exact match to Eren’s favorite pair of shoes, the loops of thread in his scarf strewn across the backseat. Not a doubt passes through Levi’s mind, he knows he’s right… the color has become synonymous with the younger man, it carries the warmth of Eren’s touch, sparks something light within Levi’s chest, pounds hard against his ribcage.

Pulling his hand from Levi’s thigh, Eren runs tanned fingertips through the chestnut strands on his head, letting the touch fall to his neck, holding it there as he churns through the possibilities. “Then by that logic your favorite is what, black?” Maybe at one time, maybe when he better identified with the darkness so ingrained into his skin, the shadows cast over the valleys in his mind, but not anymore. “Grey? White?” 

Levi only shakes his head, holding back the smirk from appearing on his lips when Eren’s gaze flits to him. “I don't look good in this color, so I don't wear it. But I still see it almost every day.” It still graces his mind with a calm energy, still brushes his vision between the wind of batting eyelashes.

“Pale blue.” Clearing his throat, a note of displeasure aches in his chest when Levi shakes his head again. “Burgundy.” Hand falling to his chest, Eren pulls his shirt into his fist, they could have the same favorite, but it's closer than that, something purely Eren, something shifting and changing and aching, something unalienable from the young man even when he's stripped down to his bare skin.

“Good guess, but no.” And he waits, waits for Eren to glance over, to make eye contact for a second, that's all he needs. That's it. Those complex blue green irises, the faded, unidentifiable memory of leaves shifting against the backgrounded blue, sunlight gracing some green until it comes light and pale, shadows forcing some dark deep, the flexing, ever shifting focus of wind and gaze. “Your eyes.”

They sink into him, watch with low lids in a passing, repeated glance. “My eyes?”

“Are my favorite color.” And he didn't even know it before they met, didn’t know it until the space between them diminished piece by piece, didn’t know because it was slow as the realization came into being, it was quiet as it crept in glance by glance, week by week, beautiful and stirring and ever present as they got to know each other. It developed in crossing gazes, in gentle smiles over stretched out arms and passed out papers, flourished over weekly walks to the parking garage in the fluorescent white of the streetlights, cultivated between lectures, subtle and quiet and swelling all at once, overwhelming him, overcoming him.

And Levi is graced with a soft look, a gentle stare, passing by each part of his face, drawing goosebumps into his skin before those gentle eyes move back to the road. “Really?” 

“Really.” Because the world is beautiful reflected in those eyes, they dilate, flex, work over every miniscule detail, every inch beneath their gaze. Unmatched, Eren’s eyes work to admire brokenness, cherish scars held below the surface of tainted skin, paint a heated blush over pain, draw praise and reverence and uninhibited adoration over everything they see. “I have no reason to lie.”

Dusted pink stretches across Eren’s cheekbones, but he doesn’t turn away, doesn’t hide his face, only bites at his lip to hold back the curve of his lips. “Now that's not fair.” 

“It's entirely fair.” Repeating Eren’s answer to his objection, he watches the younger man shake his head in the corner of his peripherals. It’s fair, the push and pull, the gravity of their bodies, the back and forth. No doubts surface, no hesitation in his movements as he turns his palm up, holds it open to Eren’s gaze, no uncertainty as the weight of Eren’s hand slips into the space between his fingers and settles back into his lap. Closing his eyes, heat moves through his hand, brings his awareness to his clammy hand, but he doesn’t care, doesn’t move, just moves like a breath of wind, relaxes in the cloth of the seat, lets his lips move on their own. “What's it like?” Presence shifting, Eren moves in the quiet dark behind Levi’s eyelids, clarity, he wants clarity in the words. “Amity… what’s it like?”

“I want you to see it for yourself.” Tingling his ears, Eren’s voice feels so close with his eyes closed, so near with the pressure of their hands squeezed together.

“I will…” This is all new to him, the sensation of tingles in his limbs, the heavy thudding of his heart in his chest. It has… never hit him like this before. Much of his life he’s worked so hard to stay gone, pressed forward to stay lost in someone else’s vision of the world, he’s given himself to printed pages and thought out manuscripts, he’s lived and moved and breathed between covers of books. He’s taken so much care to bury himself within the words of someone else, given parts of him away, hidden his abrasive attitude, done his best to keep from cutting and scraping and burning away at everyone else with the shards of his heart, he’s used their phrase to tilt his eyes to the world, used their words to see the flimsy, passing beauty in the brush of wind and the hush of silence. But he never really saw it, never really opened up to see it, because his eyes, stormy and shaded, didn’t deserve to see such refreshing sweetness, his heart, scarred and shredded, couldn’t really understand it anyway. The temporary vision given to him by the things he’s read never helped him through the night, never woke him in the morning, never remained after the throes of panic or the terror of his dreams. None of his vices quite cut it for long enough to make a difference, but there’s something about Eren’s voice, something about the words that flow so gently from his pierced lips, it makes Levi want to believe, makes his vision a little clearer, a little lighter. “But I want to know it through your eyes.”

“It's difficult to pin down.” And Eren's voice doesn't come for a long moment, but he doesn't open his eyes, just waits in the chorus of quiet breaths as he gathers his thoughts. “I don't want to give you the wrong idea. The memories i have can either make it feel like home or like a place I wanted to run from.”

He stays quiet, waiting, but Eren doesn't continue. Is he waiting for acknowledgement? Waiting for a sign that Levi doesn't care how accurate his vision of home is? “That makes sense.” And Eren seems to relax at the other end of his words, the stiffness in his fingers aching away against Levi's palm.

“It's… really very beautiful, there are places where I used to walk where the wind flows through just right and the path is a little overgrown and the flowers are shifting and it gives you this feeling of... of, I don't know, this feeling that everything is okay. The trees change in waves of reds and oranges and yellows and winter comes in so slowly… like perpetual fall.” 

It’s such a gentle undertaking as the world gracefully unfolds behind Levi’s eyelids of places he’s never seen, a world he’s never dreamt of, and the sound of wind blows in his ears by way of Eren’s breath. 

“Amity itself is small, quiet, but the people are big and loud. Our house is backed by the woods, surrounded by trees, it's kind of tucked away back off of this dirt road just on the outskirts of the city.” The house is faceless, undetermined, skirted over as Eren continues, weaving his words into sentences with a quiet voice. “Salem is a bit more like where we live. Wide set streets and tall, beautiful buildings, lit up windows, and reflective metals next to historic looking brick with these arched window ways.” His words get ahead of him, spilling from his lips with unburdened ease, all Levi can do is picture pieces of the places he knows stitched together. “And they have Christmas festivals held on the stone walkways, everyone set up with twinkling lights. That's where we went to school, played hockey, hung out on the weekends.”

And the words drift in Levi’s mind, an incomplete picture outlined in color and meaning and feeling that he soaks in from Eren’s skin. Eren’s memories of the place are peaceful, quiet, but something is missing, blurred edges and shadows of confusion covering pieces of the world he’s created. “It sounds beautiful…” The question lingers on his tongue, caged behind his teeth. Does he really want to know? Does he really want to know what their meeting hinged on? “Why did you leave?”

“It was, it is beautiful. I just couldn't see it until I got a little further away. I think if things at home were different I would've stayed.” Home… that’s right, memories of the people are dark, shrouded in expectation and pain. “I was either at practice or locked up in my room studying, or getting tutored so I had decent enough grades to get into the schools Mikasa and Armin were applying to. I tried to be a good son, I didn't sneak out, I didn't fool around, I did exactly what was asked of me.” Everything this side of giving up himself to follow his family’s dreams, to become another Jaeger with a degree big enough to shield him from the world. “But it wasn't good enough. I didn't even tell my family until after I changed my major so they couldn't talk me out of it.”

Selfish… everyone in his life is selfish, and Levi is no different, he is just as bad, just as needy, just as demanding as the rest of them, opening his eyes, turning to Eren with shaky words and unsure lips. “So you were originally pre med?” Eren only nods. They would've never met, they would’ve never crossed paths, and his chest is tight, his throat is stalled. Eren… Eren is the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and he’s just on the other side of all the wrong decisions Eren has ever made. Is that what he already looks like to Eren's family? Is that all he'll ever be?

“We probably wouldn’t have met like we did.” 

And Eren would be much better off, wouldn't he? The thought crosses his mind without a second’s hesitation, without question, and his mouth, that stupid, selfish mouth, the one responsible for getting him into trouble again and again, the one that only got him another smack to the face, another hand to the throat, it begs to release those painful words from a choked throat. Maybe he'd be better off. But he can't, the thought is caught by caged teeth, retracted by the thing that begs him to not hurt or burden Eren any further, halted by the soft timbre of Eren's voice. 

“And I wouldn't be this happy.” But he doesn't get harshness from Eren's hand, only a soft nudge, a gentle, contented look under low eyebrows, tilted lips, flitting, flexing eyes. And the selfishness is only reflected back into him, the words he said to hurt himself only reaching out to ache into Eren's ever-giving chest as he looks down, notes the bend of their fingers, the tightness in his throat, the guilt in his chest. “You saved me…” 

Levi, the man who only brought him pain, selfishness, nightmares and late nights and hours worth of wearing out and wearing down… how could he have ever saved Eren? No, it's the other way around, Eren broke through the dullness, brought sharp contrast to color and greyness, details to a clouded mind, fresh blood and beating to a tired heart. He hadn't given up, but he had already resolved himself to a lifetime of working and waiting and losing sleep, of heavy eyes and a heavy body when Eren first crossed his vision. Could he ever say anything worthy of the attention he's received, anything worthy of the love that seeped into remodeled bones? Maybe… maybe they saved each other, could he accept Eren's words then? 

His body is so heavy, weighted by exhaustion and anxiety, but Eren's smile pulls him in, moves through his veins and arteries until it's permeated his entire body. “You really did. You have to know that.” And his hand is lifted from his lap by the hold of Eren’s grasp, pulled gently to pierced, pink lips, pressed against a kiss to the back of his hand, the joint of his thumb, the junction of their fingers. Maybe he could believe it, maybe each kiss could leave a love shaped bruise somewhere beneath his skin, embed piercing care into tendon and stretch tangible tolerance into aching sinew.

“Eren...” Closing his eyes, blocking the tight knot in his throat from inching any higher, he leans his head against the back of the seat, will this worn emotion to keep from slipping from his lips, pouring from his eyes. It’s quiet, like there’s more to say, but concluded, like a silent thanks, a repeated, repressed gratitude, an unspoken appreciation. What has gotten into him? What has allowed him to be this close to crying, this close to begging and pleading to turn back for home? Words move through him, tug at his consciousness, activating neurons until he’s overwhelmed by the beating of his heart hard against his ribcage and the words dissipate on his tongue. Could he say it? Could he let the words fall carelessly from his tight teeth? Eren… Eren changed him. Could he feel it? Could he feel the shift in Levi’s chest, the energy growing behind his eyes, the tingling at the tips of his fingers and the junctions of his neurons? Could Eren feel it? The revival of a place buried deep within his chest, the digging and tearing and aching of fingers clawing at dirt and blood and bone? Every step forward, every night spent pressed against each other between the sheets, every morning spent with confused goodbyes and every day spent with hopes in his heart, Eren changed him. Every kiss, every gentle touch, every soft look, there has always been safety in those things, there has always been something… something deep and aching and quiet in those things, something that brought him home. Home. A concept torn and tortured and ripped from pale, feeble hands. Home. A feeling returned to numb fingertips, a sensation revived in frigid skin, brittle bones, icy muscles. But there is no turn of phrase that could properly convey it, no perfect word that could keep him afloat. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Levi.” Why does it sound like enough when it comes from those perfect lips? Why does it sound like too much to handle when spoken in Eren’s honeyed voice? Why does it still feel like the after-effects of a fever dream when Eren points those words in Levi’s direction? Why does his skin burn hot and itchy with blush at only a few words moved through a quiet smile? Why does he settle into this broken body, sway with unbroken breaths, relax into the the hold of Eren’s hand against his own? “You can take a nap if you want. I’ll be fine driving.” 

How long has he been sitting here closed off to the world, struggling against his weary body, his noisy mind? He’s never been able to before, the tension in his body too high to allow him to relax and let the person driving be in full control. “I don’t think I can.” Anxiety always gets the best of him, racing tightness to his chest until his lungs no longer accept air, but this is Eren, this is… different, somehow when his gentle voice graces Levi’s tired ears.

“You can. Just close your eyes.” Pulling his hand away, Eren goes to reach for something in the backseat, but without looking, without thinking, Levi grabs onto his forearm with shaky fingertips, sinks his palm into the soft fabric of Eren’s shirt. “It’s okay. I’m here.” Of course he’s here. There’s nowhere he could’ve gone. He could never just leave after all they’ve gone through to be together, right? If Levi really saved him, he won’t let his family’s vision of the older man dictate their end, right? Warmth begins to silence his thoughts as Eren lays out the blanket from his bed on Levi’s lap, eating up his reluctance as Levi moves it over his arms, settles into the seat as Eren’s hand returns to his thigh on the other side of the blanket. 

Why does he have to be this way? So needy, so demanding, so…utterly crippled by the things he has done, the things done to him, but Eren steadies him anyway, stabilizing him with a simple touch, a quiet word. And he is suddenly so far from unwilling, so close to giving in, feeling the sway of the tires along the freeway and the soft movement of the music, the heat from beneath Eren’s palm.

And it… reminds him of something, of wind and chill through cracked and shattered glass, of stalled breaths and sputtered engines, of the aching of torn metal and the way it moans as it gets pulled apart, of darkness and uncertainty and fear, of the scent of impending winter captured by the bitter cold. Of the coughs of lungs too punctured, too full of blood, too far beneath the surface to sputter any air. Of the soft groans brought on by the sharpened pain, or the heavy beating in his chest that drowns all of that out, the way glass imbeds into his palms, the way it crackles beneath his weight as he crawls into the front seat, the way his fingers shake, shudder, stall over bruising skin and blistering blood, over the deflation of the airbags, over a still chest, a forgotten memory, an abandoned body.

And the breaths escape his lungs, hot and dull and dry in his chest, dragging him awake in the diminishing light, pulling him into reality in the red glow of the stoplight, yanking him forward only to be stopped by the safety lock of his seatbelt. And there is… no air. The breaths are moving through his lungs, tearing through his throat, but they don’t go anywhere, they don’t bring life to his blood or beats to his erratic heart as he scrambles for the button of the seatbelt, scrambles to tear the heat of the blanket off of his lap. Breathe. Breathe, dammit. And his chest is released from the hold of the strap, the belt recoiling across his body as he grabs hold of the dashboard in front of him, the edges of his vision fuzzy and grey and the sound in his ears like wind and static. “Haaah… shhh.” He can’t even hear the sound of his voice over the pounding in his chest, the whir of the blood in his head, the movement of the car as it moves through the intersection and pulls to the side of the road. He can’t hear the sound of car door slamming, can’t see the man pass before the windshield, can’t feel the chill of the air when his door is pulled open, but he knows what’s next, he knows he’ll be pulled from the car, tossed onto the pavement, shaken by the collar, dropped to the dirt, he knows he’ll be berated, criticized, reprimanded by a kick meant to calm his panic, a kick to knock the remaining air from his lungs. Blame. That’s what he’ll get. Blame. It wasn’t slick conditions, or careless driving, or winding roads at fault, it was him throwing a temper tantrum in the back seat, wasn’t it? 

Cold. The air is cold as it enters his lungs, cold as it flows into the heat of the car, and he shivers away from it, braces himself for the rough hand around his arm, braces himself for the heat of forming bruises and the ache of soreness. But he isn’t thrown from the car, he isn’t forced to turn or stop his breaths. 

“Shhhh…” Heat graces his back, but not from pain, not from a rough, calloused hand. “Levi…” Words grace his ears, but they aren’t charged with rage, aren’t laced with hate and contempt, and it snaps his vision to his right, moves him to take in the man kneeling with his knees against the doorframe. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m here.” Wind blows through thick tufts of deep brown, moving the hairs into Eren’s face, his eyebrows reach up into his forehead, eyes widened as they flit back and forth against Levi’s face. Worry, fear, care, it encapsulates his senses, moves him to turn in his seat with shaky limbs and heaving breaths. “Come here.”

“I’m sorry.” Dipping into the tight hold of Eren’s arms, breathing into the fabric of his shirt, Levi rests his forehead on Eren’s shoulder. Eren… it’s Eren, and they’re across the entire country from his hometown, they’re so far, but the memories seem so near in his head, just beneath the surface of his skin, dreams bringing them to the surface of his thoughts. “I’m sorry.” How much further can he set back this trip? How much more can he drag Eren down by the seam of his shirt? 

“It’s okay. Just breathe.” Tight, Eren holds him close, the breaths from his chest moving against Levi, regulating his unstable lungs, releasing only after a few moments as Levi’s heart stops from pounding. The pressure eases from his chest as Eren loosens his grip, running his fingers along each vertebrae of Levi’s spine until he sits back, taking in the dilated green of Eren’s gaze. Hands, steadfast, tender hand, wrap around either side of Levi’s face, hold the weight of his head by the curve of his jaw, aching warmth into his cheeks and drawing fingers into thick black. 

“Nightmares and anxiety attacks.” Eren’s left hand trails down Levi’s chest, falling over the middle of his sternum, pressing his palm against the beating of his heart. “How do you deal with me?” And Levi runs his hands over Eren’s, fitting his fingers into the spaces between tanned knuckles, letting tired eyes land lazily against the younger man’s gaze.

“You mean how did I get so lucky to be able to meet you? How did I get so lucky to be able to be here for you?” Plump, dark pink lips turn up into a smile, one that radiates into Levi’s face, one that tilts up the edges of his lips. “How did I gain the privilege of being yours?” Brushing the stray hairs from Levi’s eyes, Eren looks into him, draws a different kind of tightness in Levi’s throat, a different kind of heat into his face. “I don’t know.”

Cars move carefully around them, alerted by the click of the hazards, and the wind blows heavily through the trees that line either side of the road, racking a visible shiver through Eren’s body. “You’re cold.” Eren only shakes his head in response, but Levi can see the goosebumps that form over Eren’s neck, the discomfort in his face over the cool breeze against his skin. “I’m okay, get back in the car.”

Quickly making his way back around the car, Levi watches through the window at the approaching headlights, making sure they maneuver around Eren on the other side of the car, letting out a breath as he climbs back into the heat. “We’re only about five minutes away.” And he might be a little too worn out from the last fifteen to get worked up over the diminishing time, too worn down to fully asses the thoughts lingering in the shadowy parts of his mind, so Levi spends those five minutes scrutinizing himself in the mirror, adjusting the part in his hair, making sure every strand is falling into place, pressing his fingertips into the dark bags beneath his eyes, brushing the crusts that have formed at the edges of his eyelids. Turning his gaze, staring down the center of his pupils, he expects the energy behind cloudy grey to be deadened, still, but they reflect back at him, twist around his glare, alive. He’s alive, even if the person that passed those eyes to him is not, sometimes that fact escapes him.

He’s alive, so he closes the mirror, the visor, watches as they make their way down a dirt road, the remainder of light and color in the sky fading below the horizon, eyes passing over every house they drive by until Eren slows the car and pulls into a driveway. Lit up by headlights, by the soft warmth of little post lights, the house comes into view, white and clean with big front windows, navy shutters and front door, two stories with matching dormers, a smokeless chimney peeking from the roof. They pull to the left, away from the main drive, into the circle before the house, close enough for Levi to see the ghosts of vines on the short picket fences beneath the windows, the empty flower beds, and the headlights brighten the side of the yard, the property line edged with perfectly plotted evergreens. It’s all put together, neat and tidy and matching, but it isn’t enough to keep the calm beneath the surface of his skin, it isn’t enough to ease his mind when Eren speaks.

“Ready?” And Levi only nods his head, staring out the window into the lights beside the door as Eren gets out. It’s normal to be nervous. It’s normal. But he can’t internalize it, can’t stop from grabbing the hem of his shirt and running it between his fingers. Maybe he should’ve worn something less… casual, something more colorful, but he has no choice now. He’s stuck with the low neckline of his favorite black thermal shirt, stuck with black jeans and black hair and a grey personality. Eren slides his bag over his shoulder, drapes the blanket in the strap, grabs everything he can as Levi rounds the car with their coats and his laptop bag, reaching for his suitcase with a shaky hand. “You want me to carry It?”

“No I've got it.” And he reaches for Eren's hand, breathing a little when his palm is met with warmth and his tired eyes are met with a smile. He’ll be fine. This isn’t the end of them. But his feet are heavy, his bones too wobbly beneath the weight of the shadows that latch onto his shoulders, and he pulls to a stop in the middle of the driveway. He knows the feeling well, what it's like to be so anchored that he can't move, to be so crippled by anxiety that it stops him in his tracks, to be so weighed down by his doubts, be stalled by his fears, clenched by his past. And he can't move another inch… he can't. His arm extends out as Eren takes another step, the wintry chill spreading between their bodies as Eren turns back to him. Is this what it will feel like if this doesn't work out? Eren's firm hold on his hand, taking a piece of him forever as the cold eats away at what remains?

But he can't follow Eren any closer to the house, can't willingly give himself away to it for fear of crumbling the very shield that had gotten him this far. Because this could shatter everything between them. This could be it. Their entire relationship has been lined with the pressure fractures of his doubts, only a harsh breeze would be enough to move them to shambles. And Eren must see it, must see the fear locked behind his eyes in the dim light, because it crosses his face for a split second, mirrored in tight lips, furrowed brows, closing the short distance between them. If Eren's family doesn't approve of him, the whole thing, the struggle, the pain, the love and acceptance and warmth, it will all mean nothing. 

“I just... I've never needed something to work out this badly.” And that is… that is utterly and completely terrifying. Having nothing to begin with is one thing… being given kindness, compassion, acceptance only to lose it all at the end of one comment from Eren's family? There would be no coming back from that. Dropping his gaze, eyeing the way their fingers intertwine, he swallows his need for pride, his need for distance, he needs something, something to get him through this, something to make this unspectacular body, this broken mind, this trampled spirit beg to go on, to impress people he doesn't know. “What if...what if they hate me?”

“I can promise you two things, my mom will love you.” At least he's honest, but the uncertainty of his father, his sister, it's unsettling. Still, he allows himself the pleasure of looking into Eren's eyes, of seeing his lower eyelids curve up with his smile. “She'll swoon over you and try to hug you and ask you too many questions, and think you're brilliant… because you are.” Right. And with her acceptance Levi's presence is only scrutinized by half the family. “The other thing is this…no matter how this works out, I promise you that you and I will leave Oregon on Tuesday.” And his throat is tight, full of words that mean nothing as Eren smiles down at him. “We'll go back home to Washington, and we'll go back to our peaceful, lazy lives together. We'll be okay.” Why does it sound like the truth? Why does it seep into his aching chest and wrap tendrils of warmth into his veins? Moving closer, Levi curses their full hands, swallowing hard as Eren presses inches closer, presses their foreheads together, looking into Levi with something sobering behind his eyes. “And my mom is the only one here right now so it will be an easy way to break you in.”

Eren's voice is so close, so warm against the cool air, prompting a smirk to pull at the corners of Levi's lips. “I need to be broken in?”

“Yes, you're like a wild animal.” And his smile, bright, full, fades into a subdued look, softens into something sincere, something honest and painful and real. “I'm not backing you into a corner. Please don't run away from me.”

“I'm not running.” Holding Levi against the cold, Eren places a kiss against his crooked nose, his pale forehead, his undeserving lips, a kiss like they've been doing this forever, a kiss of stability and warmth… a kiss of home. “I'm ready.” And he basks in the warmth of Eren's returning smile as he turns to the front door, pulling the younger man up the steps and into the covered archway, taking a breath as Eren opens the unlocked door and steps in. Climbing up before them, a flight of stairs stands directly across from the front door, etched in rich hardwood and clean white backs. Levi inches closer to the right, nearing the darkened room behind spotless French doors, waiting for someone to appear from somewhere to the left. Taking off his shoes, he lines them up with the other pairs, hanging their coats on the hooks drilled into the wall. 

“I'm home!” Eren's voice matches the warmth that radiates from the house, his smile widening as he hears his mom yell something from the kitchen. 

“I'm coming, I'm coming.” Moving through the open living room, she comes in with a matching smile, tousled chestnut brown hair parted and pulled over her right shoulder. And she sweeps up Eren in a hug, wrapping her arms around his chest, not quite as tall as her son, but definitely standing taller than Levi himself. “Oh, my Eren. It's been too long.”

“I know, mom, I'm sorry.” Backing away, she fixes the ruffles she put into his shirt, smiling that same smile he's seen so many tones before, the raised cheekbones, the lifted eyelids, the smile that makes him not regret his decision to come. 

And that smile makes its way to Levi, her eyes beaming at him as she approaches. “You must be Levi.” Keeping a short distance between them, they may look similar, but her voice moves through him in a gentle wave, the soothing voice of a mother. “Welcome.”

“Yes it's nice to meet you.” She looks so put together, bright blue jeans and a flowy lavender blouse, is his voice sweet enough? Is it shaking as much as it seems like in his head? “Thank you for welcoming me into your home, Mrs. Jaeger.”

“You're so polite. Come here.” Holding out her arms out for a hug, she steps forward, waiting for Levi to oblige, and Eren moves beside her, looking like he's going to protest, to save Levi from unnecessary contact. But something draws him in, something moves him unconsciously to allow himself the warmth of her hug, to accept the smile that rivals that of her son's as she pulls away with her hands pressed gently on his shoulders, and it feels… comfortable, easy, dusting a line of heat across his face. “I hope you like turkey, mashed potatoes, broccoli cheese casserole? Any of that sound appetizing?” And Levi can only nod, can only agree, anything she has to offer him will be fine, anything kindness she has to extend will be accepted. “Good. It will be done soon.”

Pointing Levi to the stairs, Eren moves behind him, urging him along with the pile of stuff in his arms. “We will be down in a few minutes.” 

And Levi is halfway up into the darkness of the stairway when Carla’s voice calls back, flipping the switch at the bottom of the stairs to light the way.“Eren, I have your room and the guest room ready for you two.”

“Mom…”

“Son.”

Stopping on the stairs, turning back to his mother, Eren grumbles quietly back. “You can't be serious. I'm not a teenager anymore.”

“Exactly, so you can stand a couple nights in separate rooms.” Oh… three nights in separate rooms. Three nights without Eren's warmth next to him, three nights without the person who calms him from his nightmares. But three nights is nothing if it means making his mother happy.

“Mom-” What more can he say when she's already made up her mind?

“Eren.” Tapping his shoulder, he waits for Eren to turn to him, waits to spread the smile across his face. “It's okay.” They'll be alright, he'll be alright, Eren has to know that. “Show me your room.”

Slouch in his shoulders, Eren starts back up the stairs, pausing in the hall before walking into a room and throwing everything from his arms onto the bed. “I didn't think she was going to do this.” Eren shakes his head, looking down at his suitcase as Levi's gaze lines the room, forcing his focus on the soft, subdued sea foam paint on the walls, the clean white of the trim, the beige runners laid against the wood floors. The possibility of this crossed his mind, the thought that maybe they'd be a little less than accepting of them, or that they're old fashioned, or that he and Eren aren't married, aren't engaged, aren't… straight. So he draws his eyes against the thin navy lines of the comforter, the lighter, duller blue of the blanket folded in thirds at the edge of the bed, and not a single thing on the walls or the shelves by the window to claim this as Eren's old room. 

“It's only a few nights.” Does he sound convincing? Does he sound like the expectations of their relationship aren't bubbling up in his throat? “We slept alone last night, it was fine.” And now that feels like a mistake. Now it feels like he should've never asked for the night to work. 

Turning to him, Eren tilts his head, lips pulled tight around his words beneath the furrowed line of his eyebrows. “Did you actually sleep?”

“That's beside the point.” Sleep isn't going to be an easy feat here, it isn't going to fall into his lap the way it does when Eren is beside him.

“No, that's exactly the point.” He knows it as well as Levi does, he knows it, it can't be anything but old values, old customs if that's what he's worried about, right? He hasn't been sleeping through the night for years, why would it change now? A couple more nights won't kill him, won't drown him completely. The bed sinks slightly beneath Eren’s weight, the blankets caught in folds at either side of his thighs as he sits at the edge of the mattress. His gaze is somewhere below Levi’s chest, trailing the movement of the other man’s hand as the grasps at the strap of his laptop bag. Standing above Eren, watching him, all Levi wants is to touch him, to relieve the tension from between them, just a claiming selfish touch to ease the tight energy that’s formed between the fleshy junctions of his ribs, to soothe this space in his chest.

Reaching his hand out, running shaky fingers into the soft hairs on Eren’s forehead, he tousles those chestnut locks, ruffling them with the heel of his hand rested lightly against Eren’s skin. And he can only smile as Eren leans further into his hand, letting Levi drag the backs of his fingernails gently against the younger man’s scalp, moving twisted circles into his hair. The world behind those caring, flexing greens, the world beneath his hand, locked behind straight, thick hair, tucked away under a stubbornly thick skull, the world carved into the folds of his cerebral matter, that world is full of worry, full of fear for Levi. Despite all that Levi has done, all the doubt he has brought to life with the flick of his tongue, Eren is concerned, driven by the thought that maybe he can protect Levi from his own mind, his own past. 

Levi can ease that mind a little, he can massage out the worry with the sound of his voice, with the kindness of words like those Eren always reserves for him. “I'll be fine.” Is his voice sweet enough, his tone gentle enough? Just how does Eren's voice move when he speaks such gentle words? “Just promise me that we'll sleep together when we go back home.” Home. That's what Eren promised, that they'll return home, that they'll resume their lives without injury, right? Ruffling Eren’s hair again, watching as the younger man lifts his head, his eyes meeting Levi’s gaze with a soft look, a serene energy as Levi lifts his hand.

“I promise.” Is it really thanks to him? Is the smile that lifts into freckled cheeks really for his selfish heart, or the dimple that indents into that tanned face really for his anxious mind? Is it okay to believe those things are really for him? Is he allowed to accept this?

Will his fractured frame support it?

“Then I promise I can survive a few nights in separate rooms.” And he slides his hand down to Eren's shoulder, squeezing it with a smirk on his lips. “Now, show me your room.”

“This is the guest room, it has its own bathroom, so I figured you’d rather stay in here.” Pushing himself from the bed, walking down the hall, Eren moves through a doorway at the other end of the hall and flips the light to another bedroom, holding his hand to let Levi in first. “This is my old room.”  
Caught, his eyes move across the layered shelves to his right as he walks in, he skims the dozens of books at eye level, the piled medical journals, the anatomy textbooks, the miniature model of the car they drove here in, hockey medals dangling from the shelves above, an Eren he doesn’t know. Turning, taking in the rest of the room, he moves on the creaky floorboards toward the dormer at the end, touching the slants of the ceiling that reach down to meet the walls, walking past it into the cubby marked by a darkened window that looks out onto the driveway. Perfectly snug between the walls, a desk sits beneath the window sill, books of poetry tucked in the corner, he runs a finger across their spines, lets his hand linger at the edge of the desk before he moves to the bed, tossing his things onto the pale blue of the bedspread. “I want this one.” Different, foreign, there is still something firmly Eren in this room, pieces of the young man that he hasn’t seen yet. “Then I can snoop around in teenage Eren’s stuff.” 

A matching smirk passes dark pink, a playful energy behind flexing green. “Okay. You can still use the shower in the guest room, if you want more privacy.” It’s the perfect excuse, the quiet justification to come see Eren if he needs to, so Levi nods, lets his lips turn up into a smile, wishing he could step into the space between their bodies. “I'm going to help my mom finish up dinner.” Right, no diminishing spaces here, no close contact, it moves Levi to turn his eyes away, moves him to surprise when Eren closes in on him, breaking the distance, hooking the edge of his finger beneath Levi’s jaw. “Thank you.” Lips, dark, thick, they’re so close to his own, close enough to draw all of Levi’s attention down to the plush pink against the smooth surface of his lip ring. “For being so understanding.” And doubts dare to spill from his mouth, dare to push him away, but Eren leans closer, brushes him with a soft kiss, a torturous, quick touch that spreads a blush across Levi’s face. “So gentle.” Eren’s words draw goosebumps against his skin, Eren’s kiss pressing against him again, beating his heart heavily against his ribcage. “I’m so happy you’re here.” No kiss comes after that, no kiss as Levi opens tired eyes to watch Eren bite the flesh of his bottom lip white between his teeth, no kiss as he takes a step back, no kiss as he extends his arm, no kiss as he finally lets his hand fall from Levi’s jaw.

They have to stop, they can’t push this any further, so he watches quietly as Eren turns away, bringing his fingertips to his lips as he listens to the younger man bounding down the stairs, waits there in Eren’s old room for his heart to stop pounding in his chest, for the blood to quiet down in his ears, for the certainty of his feelings to quell the anxiety that tightens around his throat. Preparing to make himself useful, he makes his way down the stairs too, quiet, slow, turning into the living room and heading toward the sound of dishes and muffled voices. 

Startled by the soft swish of the front door, Levi stops dead in his tracks at the shuffling of someone entering behind him, wishing Eren was at least visible in the conjoined dining room. There is no other choice now, he can’t move toward the kitchen or pretend he didn’t notice, he’s stalled too long on his feet, waited too long to hear the voice that will tell him just who he’ll have to meet on his own. “Mom, I'm home!” Dropping her bag on the floor, the young woman walks in as Levi turns on his heel, meeting her surprised expression with one of his own. “Oh. Hi.”

“Hi, I'm Levi.” Idiot. He doesn’t raise his hand to receive a shake, doesn’t take a step closer, doesn’t offer any more than he has to, and neither does she, they just stand a yard apart, watching, waiting, examining.

Taller, thinner, sharper than him, she sways on her feet, tilting a thin eyebrow at the silence. Lying flat on her head, her hair is thick, dark, skin is pale, fair, unblemished, eyes dark and wide. Does she look more like her father? Does she always stare daggers at the people in front of her? Her body is a harsh, angled beauty, dressed in perfectly ironed and buttoned blouse, dress pants, a long, eggplant sweater wrapped around her shoulders. “You’re my brother's…” Her voice comes out soft, genial, tender, unmatched to her pointed look, her sharpened words.

This feels like a test, like there’s a right way to answer to not be berated, to not be run over by the tough tension behind her eyes. But there’s only one way to answer, right? “Boyfriend.” 

Eren's voice is present behind him, speaking something to his mother in the dining room. He's not wrong. He shouldn't be questioning it now, shouldn’t be worrying as the presence of the younger man fills the space behind him, the gentle tone of his voice unusually harsh as it graces Levi’s ears. “And this…” Eren puts a steadying hand on Levi's shoulder, reaching across the space between them to grab the young woman's nose. “Is my insufferable twin sister, Mikasa, who has apparently been studying so hard to get into med school that she's forgotten how to introduce herself.”

“Right. Nice to meet you.” Grabbing Eren’s wrist, she barely looks at Levi as she pulls her brother toward her, pinching at his sides until they're just a tangle of limbs and pointed words and giggling.

They seem so far away, so disconnected from him, forcing him to turn away, saved only by the voice of their mother. “Kids.” And they all turn their attention to Carla, all stopped in silence as she summons them to the table. “Dinner.” 

Lagging behind, Levi waits for the three of them to take their places before he intrudes on anyone’s regular spot, watching as Mikasa rounds the table to wrap her arms around her mother’s shoulders. “Hi, Mom.” And they both turn to the table at the same time, only the middle four seats set with dishes and silverware. “Where’s dad?”

“Night shift tonight.” Daring a glance at Eren, he finds only a gentle smile looking back at him. Another day to wait before he meets the man responsible for the doubts in Eren’s chest, but tonight? Tonight he’s seated next to Mikasa, across from Carla, diagonal and all too far away from Eren as he pulls out his chair and takes a seat as the anxiety tingles in his fingertips. “Eren picked that wine for you, hopefully it’s suitable.” Carla points to his glass, filled partway with a dark, thick red, and he takes a sip of the bitter, dry wine against his tongue, lips turning up a bit at the taste. The younger man smiles at the edge of Levi’s vision, enough for him to see without looking, enough to fuel the quiet smirk on his face. Quiet clinking of silverware and contented sounds of eating relax the tension in his shaking hands, allow him to breathe, allow the realization of just how hungry he is seep into his gut. The table is spread just like holidays at Erwin and Mike’s house, everything made by a careful hand, set and served in warm casserole dishes, the scent and the flavor daring to press a hum through his chest. It's peaceful, quiet, just the gentle conversation about Carla’s physical therapy patients, the changes in the town, the graceful look in her eyes as she turns to her son. “So, how did the semester end for you, Eren? Work still fulfilling for you?”

“Work ended up being tougher than my classes.” But he never turned a single assignment in late, never came to class without something to say about the readings. Did he reach his stride after choosing a major that better suited him? Pausing over his food, he looks up at Eren, finding warmth in heavy-lidded green. “Actually one of the students I worked with emailed me today. She thanked me for helping her get an A on her writing intensive paper.” 

“Really?” Carla chimes in as Eren nods, but he’s still looking at Levi, still smiling at him like it was a piece of information just for his ears. All the hard work has paid off, and those tilted lips tell him so as the conversation moves forward. “Mikasa, how about you?”

“It went fine. I’ve already been accepted into med school so as long as I keep it up everything will be fine.” Confident, quiet, she picks at the remaining food on her plate. There’s no doubt in her mind about failing, there’s no option to fail, no option to change her mind. Automated, mechanical, her voice is level, response is thought out, and she couldn’t be more different from her brother.

“Did you decide which school?” Because there is warmth in Eren’s tone, energy moving effortlessly behind his words, pulled tight with worry on his tongue.

“Yeah…” And the two of them share a look across the table, a quiet conversation within their gaze that moves quicker than their speech. “I’m going where dad teaches.” Biting at the inside of his lip, Eren holds his opinion tight behind his teeth, but Levi can’t keep the thought from running through his head as he looks at them...the daughter who will give her father everything and the son that can’t bear to give himself away to it. “I’m just worried because everyone is going to think he’s going easy on me when I’ll be the one getting the brunt of the work.”

“Your father only wants you to succeed.”

Cold, disenchanted, it’s just a front, out of anyone he should understand that, but he’s been too busy picking sides, too busy pitting them against each other just like everyone else has. Awareness tightens around his throat as he turns his full attention to her… he is no better than their parents, claiming to be supportive, claiming to be encouraging. “I know.” She’s holding something back, swallowing it down as she props her elbows against the table, featherlight pieces of black hair falling over her shoulder as she catches Levi looking at her in the corner of her eye. “So what is your job?”

It's not like it's a hard question, but the beat of his heart speeds up all the same. “I work for Legion publishing firm as a junior editor.”

Does she wonder if that's why they're together? Is it because Eren can actually gain something from this relationship if he uses Levi's work? Because Levi is utterly unspectacular in every other way, and nowhere near the level of this family's achievements. Throat tight around a swallow, he expects more, expects a knowing snicker, another pointed glance, but it isn't her voice that moves through his ears. “Wow at so young?”

Unspectacular and definitely not as young as Eren. Does she know that? Do four years really make that much of a difference? Of course… of course it does, because Eren was still underage when Levi was starting college. “I'm actually… almost twenty seven.” Unlocking his glare from the crumbs on the tablecloth, he is caught in amber eyes, and while Mikasa swings her head from Levi to Eren in his peripherals, Carla just watches him through the crescents of her lifted eyelids, her gentle smile.

“Twenty seven and you already have the beginnings of a career at a firm. That's impressive.” That's luck, that's knowing just one right person with a life altering recommendation. It isn't impressive, or incredible, he walked into It, begged for it, worked his insignificant internship running coffee orders and hoping his work would be noticed or decent enough to keep around. “It took three internships for me to get a full time job, none of them panned out until I was 30.” There is no honor in being given his job by the words of his ex's mother. He just happened to fall into the right person's bed… that's how that worked, right? “Your mother must be proud.”

Proud… proud of him dropping everything she owned and moving across the country. Proud of him enduring years of physical and emotional abuse just to walk into another fucked up situation. Proud of him doing whatever it took to keep the only job he managed to get on his own. His gaze is so far away, lost in flitting thoughts of questionable actions.

“Mom…” Eren, he warned his mother about Levi's age but not the subjects he believes to be untouchable, not the subjects he has avoided at all cost since bringing them up the first time. But Levi prepared himself for this. It wouldn't be meeting the family without bringing up the awkward end of his own.

Eren watches Carla with arched eyebrows, holding a protective barrier up between Levi and everyone else. Eren… would she be proud of him for letting Eren in? For treating him gently, kindly? For letting him wrap his fingers deep into Levi's heart, forcing it to beat? “My mother actually passed away a long time ago, but I like to think she'd be proud of me.” But not for those other things. Not for his job or his apartment or his car. For not becoming the man he was taught to be, for not letting his gnarled and twisted frame dictate the breadth of his shade, for not letting weakened branches fall when the weary boy with his wandering mind decided to rest at his side.

Widened eyes, pursed lips, the usual reaction. “I'm so sorry.”

“If you’re already working at a firm, why did you go back to school?” Just as good at deflecting as her brother, Mikasa moves forward, tilting her head at Levi. “You don't like your job?”

Cautious, Levi moves only to set down his fork, to lean back against the wooden frame of his chair, pulling his shoulders back and his spine straight. What is this energy that moves between them as he meets her eyes? “I think they thought I was bored after I got my promotion, so they offered to pay for part of graduate school if I signed a contract to stay on with them.” 

Searching for something in his face, something in his words, she’s calculating, circling in, and more guarded than her brother has been since the start. “You get bored that easily?” Overprotective. Unduly but justifiably protective. Is the shock hidden on his face as he looks to Eren, but Eren isn’t looking, he’s sharing and uncomfortable look with Mikasa over the table, letting energized green fall back to the plate before him. The ridges of his fingertips are numb to the way he presses them into the fabric of his jeans, the shaking in his hands quelled by pressure, but he is horribly aware of it. Acutely and severely aware of it as the blood pours through him, his heart pounding against his ribcage. He’s already proven himself to be untrustworthy, already believed to be uninterested, noncommittal, is that it? 

Is that why Eren looks hurt, watches nothing in particular with eyebrows low, lips pulled straight and tight? He might… he might actually believe it after all that Levi has put him through. These are the things they haven't talked about, the things Eren wouldn't think to ask. “I wasn't bored at all.” He was depressed, anxious, alone, work was all he had to hold onto… he'll have to keep that information locked behind his teeth, to tell Eren that later. “I’m not very social at work, they just couldn’t gauge what was going on in my head, but I actually love working there.” Turning his eyes back to Mikasa, away from Eren’s unchanging expression, he chooses his words carefully, chooses the the words that move through his mind on a daily basis, the words that creep up on him in moments of doubt and dread and darkness. “I'll stay with them for as long as they'll have me.” It’s not quite the same, not quite as impactful as the words Eren used to promise him, but they get his point across, they move Mikasa’s eyebrows into arches as she looks away, they make Eren shift in his seat with a subdued smile on his lips.

Is that satisfactory?

“Dinner was delicious, mom. Thank you.” And the table is taken over with a fierce energy, the twins in a silent competition as they quickly clear everything from the table and start on the dishes, refusing help and leaving Levi and Carla at the table. 

Quiet, he can hear Eren and Mikasa bickering at the other side of the kitchen door, barely muffled by the sound of running water, speaking only to keep himself from listening to the protective growl in Eren's voice. “Thank you again for dinner, it was really incredible.” 

“It’s my pleasure to have you here with us.” He couldn’t avoid her eyes if he wanted to, the deep, rich color flexing when their eyes meet across the table. “Thank you for coming such a long way with Eren. The extended family is so spread out that we rarely see them, it means a lot to us that the kids still come home. I’m sure you have your own family that’s missing you.” Shaking his head, he lets a little smile cross his lips. Only his friends back home are missing him, but they were almost too happy about him coming here for the holiday. “Your family isn't big on holidays?”

“My family isn't big on being a family.” Swallowing hard, he tries to take back the words that slipped from his foolish mouth, saved only by the opening of the kitchen door, a safety net, an allowance for them to drop the subject.

Mikasa walks in with two matching mugs in hand, setting one with a rich fragrance in front of Carla on the table. “Mom, your coffee.”

“Thank you, sweetheart.”

And she sets the other one before Levi, keeping her eyes averted from his as she speaks. “My brother said you like tea, hopefully he wasn't lying just to make me look like an ass.”

“He wasn't lying. Thank you.” The smile on his face stays secret when she doesn’t look up from the table, just turns and walks back into the kitchen. Pulling the mug closer, wrapping his fingers around the base, he looks down Into the burnt orange liquid, lets the spicy citrus tingle his nose as he watches the caged tea leaves float inside the infuser. Soaking the heat through his palms, letting it crawl against his fingers as he waits for it to cool. 

“Well... “ The soft intake of breath brings Levi's eyes up, makes his heart drop to an almost indistinguishable beat. “You've got a family here.” She doesn't even know him, she doesn't know anything he's done, doesn't know the things he's allowed to occur, so why? Why does she tilt her head to the side, let her dark hair fall in softened folds over her shoulder? “You mean a lot to Eren, so you mean a lot to us.” Why do her lower eyelids lift up into her eyes? Why do her cheeks curve up as her lips pull into a smile? 

Why… does she have that same, single dimple that pulls into her left cheek? Why does she have that same smile, the one that makes him feel like he could believe the words falling from peaceful lips, the one that makes him feel like he could be whole, solid, sound? And why… why does she have to have that same tone, the one that pulls words from deep within his chest, the one that makes his shadows ache and spill from his uneasy mouth?

“Thank you. I'll do my best not to screw it up.” Do his best to deserve the sincerity in her voice, do his best to be entitled to the love that has found him, stalled him, wrapped up around him.

He can't think of the odds stacked against him, can't think of the shadowy fingertips of pressure that weigh him to the floor, or the ghostly chill of hands creeping up the back of his neck. He can't think of the tender bruises or the marks they embedded deep in his tissue, can't think of his life drawn in blood stains and scars, no. He has to focus on the edited portions, pain rewritten at the end of hickeys and teeth marks, lashes overlaid with the brushing of skin, and broken lips trained and focused and caring to match the dark pink of Eren’s, the curved smile painted into pierced perfection. 

He can focus on that… he can, because Eren pushes through the kitchen door wiping his hands in a towel, beaming an unmistakable smile, that ridiculous, steadying, stabilizing smile. The one that aches and flows through him, the one that pleases something buried deep in the pit of his stomach, soothes the thoughts that race in his head into idleness, the one that warms Levi further than the heat of the tea between his palms, permeating throughout his every cell, his every vein. So although the only thing he wants is to talk to Eren, to let the touch from tanned skin wrap coils of heat and warmth around his weary bones, he lets the thought of that smile placate him, relax him as they sit barely inches apart on the couch, as they watch a movie, climb the stairs, prepare to part.

Lingering in her doorway, Mikasa waits patiently for them to say goodnight, if only he couldn’t tell, if only he couldn’t see it, the shielded look in Mikasa’s eyes, the desire to talk to her brother alone, but it’s unmistakable, it’s the same look that he wears, isn’t it? He isn’t oblivious to it, isn’t so dense that he can’t understand, so although his desire to stay out of the way, to be liked by Eren's family, is less than his desire to be alone with Eren, but he pushes the need down, snuffs it out to a dull ember in the back of his throat. So he doesn’t follow Eren to his room, doesn’t sit at the edge of the bed, doesn’t watch him change into his pajamas, doesn’t make the mistake of crawling beneath the covers for just a few minutes, no. “Goodnight.” 

He just looks up into that pierced smile, that shiny flash of black against dark pink lips, and he'd give just about anything to pull at Eren’s collar and take those lips into a kiss, a long awaited conclusion to their day, just about anything, but not the anxiety of taking that kiss in front of Mikasa, or asking her to go when she hasn't seen her brother in months. So he slides his hand against Eren's chest, presses his palm gently against his sternum, tries to remember what the beat of Eren’s heart sounds like against his ears, turning and making his way through his bedroom door. Caught by the arm, tucked safely behind the trim of the doorway, Eren’s hold washes over him, chokes the words in his throat, cages them behind a kiss. And this is why it’s best that he doesn’t get what he wants, because he only wants more once Eren pulls away, only wants to be smothered by Eren’s body on top of his, to be extinguished by Eren’s undivided attention, to be doused in sweat and drown in pleasure, to be fucked into submission at the end of Eren’s attentive touch, weakened and wearied and worn out by his body, his mind, his words whispered gently beneath the sheets.

But it’s all too unreachable now, it’s all too far from his grasp, so he wills the blush away from his face, watches as Eren backs out of the room with his lip bitten tight between his teeth, doing his best to ignore the dusted pink across Eren’s cheeks. “Goodnight, Levi.”

He's never searched for a peaceful way to sleep, a comfortable sound, a warm bed, it never did him any good. It never did him any good. So why… why does the need ache through his entire body, the dependence move a sharp pain through his chest? 

The moon is just bright enough beyond the window pane to illuminate the edges of the ceiling, the corners of the walls, the shapes and slopes and shadows that dance alive across his vision, the active need for widened pupils to find something recognizable in the dark, something resembling a place he knows, a place he is used to, a place comfortable enough to quiet this insufferable nagging at the back of his mind...a place familiar enough to halt these noisy breaths from his chest, the pounding and aching and throbbing of his heart against his ribcage, pulsing in his ears, drowning out any sense of reality in his head. And it only takes one reach, one movement of his arm, as he clicks the lamp back on, illuminating the room enough to press back against the darkness, enough to hold him steady as he sits up against the wall. 

Eren is so close, merely a few rooms away, only a few yards of gently placed footsteps on creaky floorboards, only a few words carefully constructed away from being here, being close enough to ease Levi into a dream, to lure into his arms, into his words, into the gentle hold of sleep. But he can't allow himself the pleasure, can't allow himself to lean on Eren any more than he has to, because he is unworthy of the comfort of sleep, undeserving of the heat of Eren’s touch, unsure if he’ll have the pleasure after the end of the weekend.

Living, breathing, taking shape in his chest, moving through him in shuddered breaths, the inescapable thought of the impending calamity of the remainder of this weekend catches in his throat. Finally… he’s finally found someone valuable beyond all else, finally found someone worth losing, someone worth the anxiety and the fear and the worry. Because this… this could all end. This could all come crashing down, his weakened, crippled arms could come crashing down around Eren as this inexplicable silence heeds housing in his heart. Careful, deliberated darkness watches over him in shadows and lines and unexplored spaces of the room, because his frame, his rotting, broken frame, the very darkness that Eren claims to love, claims to counter, it presses at the space behind his eyes, knots a crick into his neck, and a thorough, meticulous grief squeezes caution into his bloodstream, presses a poignant, sharp distress around his throat, welling tears to dry eyes, draws doubts in goosebumps against his skin.

And the darkness descends upon him, weighs him down, draws the breath from his lungs, staggers, suspends him in the embodiment of his fear… alone.


	18. Keep Me Dancing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe that's it... maybe Levi is the fleeting moment, the thing nobody else would think to look at, the thing nobody else dare find value in. He's a weed growing around something stable, using it to his advantage. He's a stop in the middle of a busy day, a busy year, a promising future. A passing glance, one that makes whatever it falls on feel meaningful, significant, one that makes its absence feel like a heavy weight. A fleeting touch, he's seen it before, the way Eren runs his finger along the edge of a leaf as he passes by, learning its shape, its give, its fragility. And then he's gone. How long does Eren remember those details? How long until they're lost amongst the others?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving to all my US dwellers!
> 
> ((Christmas eve chapter! You can expect the followup on 12/25))

Creaking beneath his weight, announcing his movements to the quiet house, the floorboards and his breath echo against the stairwell, his heart beating loud enough to wake those sleeping softly behind closed doors. Darkness makes way for the soft lamp that spills light over the floor on the other side of the first door, illuminating his way past Eren's parents room, pausing somewhere between steps to the sound of voices, the soft shut of a dresser drawer, the quiet ting of a belt clasp coming undone. There is no time left to wonder if he waited long enough after Grisha gently climbed the stairs, to time left to wonder as he steps closer. Exhausted to the point of paranoia, delusion, he ignores the shadow aching at the back of his mind, the crippling voice that tells him to turn around. It doesn't feel real, the tingling in his fingertips as he presses them to the cool wood of the door, the heavy weight of his body as he slips into the darkness of the bedroom, closing it with a quiet click behind him. If he actually managed to fall asleep, he'd believe this to be a dream, the quiet guilt moving through him as he stalls on the rug in his socked feet. The blinds are closed to the near light of the moon outside the window, only the bottom blind unable to fall uniform with the others leaving one long streak of light to fall across Eren's sleeping form.

It doesn't feel real, and even Eren's presence doesn't soothe the jittery energy in Levi's arms, the shallow, shaking breaths that emanate from his lungs, the low pounding of his heart that shakes nausea into his gut with every beat. Not real... because the voice in his head, the one marked with his own damned timbre, it breathes insecurities into his bloodstream. Anxious, illogical thoughts, that's all they are, right? Eren... he is alone, right? He won't send Levi away... right?

Stalled, the thoughts race as he walks around the bed to the spot he'd usually take at Eren's side. Dishonesty, guilt, it keeps him locked away from the warmth of Eren's touch, and the darkness begs him to go, to not indulge his needy heart, his insatiable body, but Eren stirs, letting out a quiet breath as he pulls the pillow beneath his arm closer to his chest.

And Levi wants nothing more than to take its place, to have Eren's arms wrapped around him, to be tucked and tuned into the beating of his heart. It's selfish and needy and impossible, but he pulls the shirt from his back, tosses it to the floor without a thought, strips the socks from his feet and leans toward the bed. Pressing shaky fingertips into the soft cushion of the mattress, sinking into it on his knees, he reaches out to touch the pillow in the younger man's hands, to wake him gently, quietly. 

"Eren..." Adjusted to the lack of light, his eyes fall over Eren as a deep breath moves through his chest and drowsy eyes open to his face, blink a few times in the silent room. "Eren..." Can he see in the heavy shadows? Does he know it's Levi by the sound of his voice, the tenderness of his touch?

"Levi." And a pleasant smile moves over his lips in the single ray of light. "C'mere." He doesn't care where his parents are, doesn't care about consequences, he just moves the pillow from his grasp, opens the covers, and lets Levi crawl into him, pulling the older man flush against his chest.

"Tighter." Tight enough to stop these heaving breaths from escaping his lungs, tight enough to quell the shaking in his body, tight enough to anchor him here, to block out his past, his doubts, his guilt. And Eren does just that, wrapping one arm against the distance between Levi's shoulders, pulling their bodies flush with the length of his fingers pressing against the small of Levi's back, resting his chin over the top of Levi's head. He doesn't have to say anything more, doesn't have to beg or plead or whine, just takes in the scent of Eren's shirt through hitched breaths, finds a piece of salvation in the heat radiating from Eren's arms into his bare back, a bit of redemption in their hooked limbs, and a lasting reprieve in the sway of Eren's steady breathing.

The heat trapped beneath the blanket seeps into his pores, relaxes his tired muscles as he eases into Eren's hold, every long breath bringing him back down to a quiet stasis. And Eren loosens his grip, but he doesn't let go, he doesn't turn away, just hums into Levi's hold on his shirt, running his fingers through thick black, drawing gentle curves against his scalp and unforgettable shivers down his spine. "It's okay." Gravelly, hushed, Eren's voice reverberates through his chest, drawing against Levi's hands, his forehead, his heart. "You can sleep....I'm here."

And he's already halfway there as Eren's voice beckons him to rest, already taken by the heat of tanned skin, already captured by the curve of their bodies. And he doesn't deserve it, the thought rattling against his skull in the space between waking and sleeping, he doesn't deserve it, but he'll take what he can get. He'll soak in every breath, every quiet hum, every gentle movement of Eren's body while Eren is still his.

But even left ignored, even pushed down, swallowed, forgotten by any conscious thought, that realization draws dull nails against the inside of his ribcage, tearing at flesh and muscle and tendon, the living, breathing anxiety thriving in the cavity of his chest, stretching and spreading crooked limbs around his lungs, pressing back at his bones, squirming and easing to rest in the echo of Eren's words. "I'm here."

Consumed by heat, melting away into the mattress, he falls heavily into sleep, thoughtless, seamless sleep. Hours and days of exhaustion pile onto his back, weigh into his muscles, so even as Eren moves to a comfortable position beneath him, he can't move, can't control his body, can't even think to hide as a soft tap falls on the bedroom door.

Levi's body is too heavy to move at his own command. "Come in." Eren doesn't move either, doesn't try to peel Levi from his spot laid out against his chest, just pulls the blanket to cover Levi's bare shoulders to the sound of the door opening. He clears his voice, but it doesn't help erase the gravelly warmth from his throat, it only wakes Levi further, only makes him aware of the space he's occupying draped completely over Eren.

"Morning." Mikasa's voice would startle him further, but honestly she's the best option at this point, the one who probably cares the least about the questionable position they're in.

And Eren must think so too, doesn't even acknowledge it as he lays his hands on the blanket, the heat radiating through to Levi's back. "Why are you whispering?"

"Dad's asleep." Eren nods, moving soft sounds into the pillow beneath him. "I figured we could go to Fowley's since mom is out delivering donations." Guilt must wake earlier than his body, because his throat tightens as his thoughts run over that fact again and again, she's out being charitable while Levi is here lying on top of her son, perfect.

"Mmm. Sounds good." Food, it could only be food that tempts Eren out of bed right now, only food could make Eren's voice ache like that through his chest, wake tingles against Levi's skin. Fuck-

"Can we leave by ten?" It’s still before ten? What time was it again when his desperation drove him into Eren’s bed? Even that memory fades into the cratered folds in his mind, just a distant dream.

Eren turns to look at the clock as Levi opens his eyes to the room, taking in the way the light ripples in shadows across the folds of the sheets. "Sure."

"You'll bring him, right?" She actually wants him there? What the hell did they talk about last night to make her change her mind about him? Eren only nods, attempting to clear the gravelly nature of his voice again. "Is he really that heavy of a sleeper?" Maybe if he had a little longer to sink into his dreams, maybe if he had a little more to drink last night or a little bit of energy drained from him by her brother, but she doesn't need to know that.

Shaking his head, Eren runs his fingers across Levi's shoulders in a soft motion. "He's listening."

"Good morning, Levi." What could Eren have said to her about the older man? Nothing too personal, right? “Merry Christmas eve.”

"Mmm." Levi wills his body to move, but it won't, he can't even turn his head to look at her. "Morning."

Maybe she’s just being nice, maybe it’s just easier to accept his existence in her brother’s life than to try and push him away. "Breakfast?" Maybe she’s only planning to manipulate him, get under his skin, tear them apart, maybe she's already recognized the shadows that weigh at him, the unworthiness etched into his skin.

"Mhmm." It's the best he can manage, the best he can do, and it warrants a quiet laugh from Eren's chest.

"You have half an hour. Please don't make me wait."

"Got it." Mikasa leaves the room with only the soft sound of her footsteps, the quiet click of the door, leaving them alone with the heat between their bodies, with the impossible tingling under Levi's skin. Lowering his voice, the gravelly energy behind Eren's voice is turned in his direction. "I'm sorry. I know you only got a few hours of sleep."

"Mmnn." This is bad. He lets the moan ache from his chest, lets the goosebumps take over his body, and he needs to get up before it overcomes him, needs to push himself from Eren's chest, but one movement is all it takes for Eren to flip them, one movement to pin Levi to the mattress. "Hahh..." Feigning struggle, he squirms beneath Eren's weight, mistakenly rubbing their swollen cocks together. Fuck...

And Eren draws his lip between his teeth with Levi's drowsy body laid out beneath him. "Please don't make those noises." Retaining his control over the situation, that's all he's doing, right?

Levi shouldn't read into the way feral green flexes around consuming black, shouldn't give himself to the heavy throbbing of their chests, shouldn't try to stretch his arms from beneath Eren's hold on his wrists. Without a doubt, without question, he shouldn't push this any further, shouldn't long to dismantle Eren's steadfast control, shouldn't need to see the balance tip, but he lets half-lidded eyes look up into Eren, lets one more desperate sound seep from his mouth. "Hmmm."

Not a second passes before Eren's hand is placed securely over Levi's lips. Right...this is not a joke, this isn't his bed, they’re not at home, this isn't appropriate, they're supposed to be adults in an adult relationship that can refrain from things like this for a few days. But Eren's lips don't scold, don't chastise, no, they only move to deteriorate him further, bitten and red and all too far away. "30 minutes is not enough." Released from Eren's hold, Levi leaves his hands obediently above his head, grabbing handfuls of the pillow beneath his grasp, because Eren won't leave it at that, no, he's already moved those swollen lips to the side of Levi's neck, already started trailing down to his chest, already let needy words spill against his skin. "Not enough to really satisfy you." Levi shakes his head, acknowledged only by the hand still roughly holding over his mouth, because Eren's eyes are closed and his tongue is busy teasing the hardened pink of Levi's nipples between words. "Or me." He's right...it would only be enough to hold them off for a little while, only enough to tide them until the next moment they get alone. "But it'll have to do." Opening his eyes to Eren towering over him, back straight, cock already released from his underwear, and his hands release Levi's mouth, move to the waistband of his pants with a stall in his heaving chest. "Tell me what you want."

"Touch me." Fuck him, completely overwhelm him, for fuck's sake just don't leave him like this. And he doesn't have to ask twice, doesn't have to wait, because the remainder of his clothes are completely stripped from his body in Eren's frustration, their naked skin pressed together beneath the cover of the sheets. The first movements are frantic, the way Eren takes Levi's cock into his mouth, leaves an excess of spit dripping down all the sides as he pulls away, spitting into his hand before pressing himself against Levi. "Mmm." Unbreakable, the energy between them doesn't wane, doesn't fall, they're taken over by the way Levi's legs are hooked at the back of Eren's knees, the way Eren pulls the hem of his shirt into his teeth, the way his hands work their hold over both of their cocks and his hips thrust them into each other. "Nnn..." The way the world falls dizzy to its knees, and everything beyond Eren's body is out of focus, out of time, outside his centered attention. It's just the sharp wave of pleasure with every movement of Eren's tactful hands, just the sheen of sweat that has sprung from their pores, and the way the covers fall from Eren's shoulders without notice, without care. "Mmm fuck-"

There's no reason something so simple should have him behaving like this, falling apart at the end of a touch, no reason for his fingers to be shuddering to touch Eren, curling around the plush of the pillow, no reason for his mouth to keep forming these wanton fucking moans, no reason for his skin to be tingling or his chest to be heaving around his breaths. Except this... this unkempt energy that radiates into him from Eren's skin, the movement of Eren's thumb in a swirl over the head of his cock, the way he holds tight on the shirt in his mouth even as the breaths huff from his lungs, the way furrowed eyebrows keep him in check, keep him from pushing this any further, the way ferocious green watches down at Levi's body, sparking shivers across pale skin, trailing up his chest in a pressured gaze, falling onto heavy lidded grey.

"Fuck-" It's too much, too loud, to uninhibited for the hushed tones they were using before, so he pulls the pillow from beneath his head and shoves it over his face, muffling the string of moans that he can no longer hold back.

But the pillow is ripped from his grasp, tossed listlessly to the floor as Eren leans closer to him. "I want to see you."

It's so breathy, so needy, and it only brings Levi closer to this unavoidable destruction. "Shut me up." And he tugs Eren's collar roughly toward him, pulls Eren into a sloppy kiss, one that Eren drives forward, one with broken moans slipping from disobedient lips as they throb through their orgasms, splaying hot threads of cum over Levi's bare chest, one that falls into a soft, tender tangle of tongues as their breaths slow and Eren's movements stop. "Shit..." Covering his face with his hands, willing the blush to recede from his cheeks, Levi lies sinking into the mattress as Eren's tongue laps up every drop of their cum from his burning skin, leaving wet marks in their place, licking the drop that had yet to fall from the older man's twitching cock. "Mmm."

"Done with 18 minutes to spare." Eren’s words blow goosebumps across Levi’s stomach, his chest, tightening pink nipples and making him squirm beneath Eren’s hold. "That might be a record for us." Perched between Levi’s legs, the younger man smiles down at him, running his fingers down pale thighs.

“Hmm…” He’s probably right, and the discontent sinks into Levi’s chest with the release of a breath. It’s not enough. He'd rather fuck for hours until he's worn out, rather drown in the pressure of Eren's lips, rather burn up in the heat of his touch, be stripped away with the flick of a tongue and let his doubts fall away with every moan from his chest. Even when they have sex before work he gets more than this, at least he parts from Eren with a sore body, a gravelly throat, something firm and real to hold onto.

He's been so spoiled by the man who smiles softly down at him, corrupted by the usual unending energy, indulged and entertained and satisfied at Eren’s expense. “Come on.” Holding his hands out to Levi, waiting for the older man’s grasp in his, he urges Levi on with the reminder that they aren’t parting, they aren’t going to work, they’re going to spend the day together. "We're running out of time." It only makes the guilt a bit heavier in his chest, only moves the dread in his stomach, only leaves his body throbbing and begging for more. But he can’t say it, can’t admit it, because disappointing Eren would be much worse than this, wouldn’t it? "I promise I'll make it up to you."

Promises. Why does he keep making promises? What is this sinking feeling in Levi's chest? This creeping, aching emptiness that builds pressure behind his ribcage, the heat in beneath his skin, the tightness in his throat around his words. "You better." There. What was that churn in his gut? Like they'll never have the chance to make it up, like they'll never make it back, never share the same bed, never share the pleasure of each other’s bodies, never return to their lives before this trip. 

Leaning down, pressing a hand shaped dent into the mattress beside Levi’s waist, he runs his thumb along Levi's jaw, loosens the muscles clenched beneath pale skin. "You're too cute." And a kiss is pressed to the tip of his nose, the furrowed space between his eyebrows, the blushed heat of his cheeks.

He's not capable of accepting these words, not built to take them in, or if he was, that part of him is long since broken. If anything, Eren is the cute one, the one with the laugh that rolls like bubbles from his throat, the one with an unstoppable wonder behind his eyes, the one that stops on the sidewalk on a busy day to note the vines wrapped around a fence post, the one that leans into at a gentle touch, and gives everything for a smile. The one that listens when Levi speaks, and listens closer when Levi is quiet, the one with patience beneath his skin, persistence on his tongue, a yielding and shattering and exhausting warmth on his fingertips.

Maybe that's it... maybe Levi is the fleeting moment, the thing nobody else would think to look at, the thing nobody else dare find value in. He's a weed growing around something stable, using it to his advantage. He's a stop in the middle of a busy day, a busy year, a promising future. A passing glance, one that makes whatever it falls on feel meaningful, significant, one that makes its absence feel like a heavy weight. A fleeting touch, he's seen it before, the way Eren runs his finger along the edge of a leaf as he passes by, learning its shape, its give, its fragility. And then he's gone. How long does Eren remember those details? How long until they're lost amongst the others?

Why...why now? Why does this weight make him stationary? Why is he paralyzed in his spot, body tipped by the weight of Eren's knee in the mattress? He doesn't want to be left behind. Please...please.

He wants to stay forever. Not to stall Eren on the sidewalk, but to retain a space beside him. He wants to be the wind that brushes Eren's fingertips, the sun that lays gently against his skin, the warmth and the chill and the breeze that lives and moves and aches to be with him. Why can't that be true? Why does he have to be a fallen leaf, fluttering, floating, wanting to attach to the back of Eren's coat, to stay with him for a little while longer?

And why does it have to feel as if Eren has already turned away when he's still looking right at Levi?

Why is the anxiety in his heart already calling it quits when his weekend to fail this relationship hasn't finished yet?

"Help me up?"

Eren smiles and scoops his hands around Levi's arms, gently tugs at him until his weighty body is sitting up with a heavy curve in his spine, stopping as he turns to get up only when he glances in Levi’s direction. “Are you okay?”

Why is he asking that? Why does he have to see the watery movement of Levi’s eyes? Clearing his throat, he moves to speak a gentle lie. “Yeah. Just a little dizzy.” A lie to keep them level, to keep things running smoothly… if he doesn’t alert Eren to it, the end might not come so fast, if he doesn’t point it out, maybe Eren will continue on with this slow, steady gait, the one that doesn’t force them apart, doesn’t add distance between them.

“I’ve got you.” Standing at his side, making sure Levi is steady on his feet, Eren moves them to the adjoining bathroom. Eren’s got him… but for how long?

They shower quickly together, sharing the heat of the water on their skin, the suds of soap, the scent of the shampoo Eren brought from home. It’s a comforting aroma, one that steadies the pounding of his heart to a dull throb even as Eren presses a kiss to his temple and exits the shower. He always moves a bit quicker, springs from sleep a bit faster, even this is normal despite the change in scenery as the younger man blow dries his hair on the other side of the frosted glass, brushing it flat with the towel tied around his waist. Stepping completely beneath the cascade of the water, his breaths are shallow as the warmth takes him over, as Eren exits the bathroom to get dressed. Home… it’s not just the place he and Eren met, the city that houses their workplaces, their school, their apartments, no.

Home is somewhere in the air between their lips just before a kiss, the push and pull of their bodies, the momentum behind their fingertips. It’s alive in Eren’s ribcage, locked in an embrace against his chest, tucked inside his every breath. It’s a flexing energy in comforting green, a radiating tilt in dark pink. 

And it’s all he can do just to get back to that, to will himself back beneath that gaze, shocked to life in the ridges of Eren’s fingerprints. Levi walks out to the empty guest room, to his suitcase moved and opened on the made bed, pulling his outfit from the neatly piled clothes, and drying his hair roughly with his towel before parting it into place. Pulling on his clothes, he double checks the tuck of his white button up in the bathroom mirror, picks at the stray fuzz on the shoulder of his black knit cardigan, checking his pockets for lint before leaning down to cuff his black jeans once, twice, until they’re even on both sides. Mikasa and Eren are talking in the kitchen when Levi comes down stairs, so he pulls on his boots, wraps his scarf around his neck, and shivers into the wool of his coat. However long they take will have to be enough time for him to pull himself together, for him to resign himself to his anxiety, for him to figure out just how he’s going to get himself close enough to Eren to breathe again.

Walking slowly, parallel to the mantle, he looks up at the senior photos placed on the painted wood, drawing his eyes against the lines of the frames, the positions of the figures. Two frames of Mikasa on the left, two of Eren on the right, formal clothes, a suit and tie, a long, black dress, each of them with their hockey jerseys hung behind them. The middle photo, the one centered in a glass frame, holds the four of them together, smiling with arms draped over shoulders and elbows close, the four of them smiling at the camera, the four of them looking like a family. Will there ever be room for him in a photo like that? He moves to step closer, to get a better look at Grisha before they meet in person, but he turns when he hears the twins coming, moving back toward the door.

Eren is wearing a sweatshirt he's never seen before, dark grey with a stripe of burgundy that reaches from one wrist, across his shoulder blades, and down around the other. He just wants to touch it, feel what it feels like wrapped around Eren's body, the way it's held in Eren's hand as he puts his arms through the sleeves of his jacket. But he can't. He just stands idly by the door, offers a quiet smile when Mikasa walks by, rests her hand on the handle of the front door, glancing back to see if Eren's ready to walk out the door. “Ready?” And his eyes follow her gaze to Eren's nod as she opens the door and pushes into the cold, watches as the opportunity slips from his fingers. 

Until Eren closes in on him, running tanned fingers over the fold of his collar, adjusting it even though Levi knows that it's straight, thumbs tracing over the crease, brushing gently against Levi’s neck, lacing heat through his scarf. There must be something inside him too, something that can feel this strange air between them, and it gives Levi his excuse to untuck the hood of Eren's sweatshirt, to lay it over the back of his coat, to fix the white strings of his hoodie so that they lie evenly against his shirt, to press his palms flat to the fabric if only for a second. Withdraw. Turn away. The thought presses at the back of his head as he stares straight forward, gaze unmoved from his fingers still stretched out on Eren’s chest, steadfast, still, because Eren’s hands slip over his, pulling palms tighter against his body. “I love you, Eren.” The words still seem so foreign coming from his mouth, still feel like he was never made to say them, never made to truly feel the sentiment behind them, but they fall from his unworthy lips anyway, a desperate attempt to grasp onto this one thing, this one piece of himself embedded into Eren’s heart. 

“I love you too, Levi.” Smiling, cheeks curved up into crescents raised into his eyelids, flexing, fiery green captures his attention. That's all he needs, he can hold onto that, can't he? He can hold on, so he laces his fingers into Eren's, lets the younger man lead him through the front door and toward a midsize black Volkswagen running in the driveway. Before they part, before Eren opens the door to the front passenger seat, he pauses, tightens his grip on Eren's hand with a breath held high and tight against his ribcage. “I love you.” And their hands release, their bodies slide into the warmth of the car. 

Please remember that. Please don’t forget those words. They're the only thing Levi can hold onto, the only thing ringing in his head, buzzing behind his eyes, pounding in his chest. 

But he couldn't stay in his head if he wanted to, couldn't give himself away to the thought, his body is too heavy, too present in the backseat of this car, too cautious as he buckles his seatbelt. So he allows himself to feel the way Mikasa takes on the road with a little more grace than her brother, not speeding through turns, not lurching through clutches with the stick shift. He listens to them talk about the changes in town, the roads that need fixing, and Levi just listens, lets his eyes drift to the soft grey of the sky behind the passing buildings, the tops of the trees, blinking away from the window only as they slow into the busy parking lot of their destination. 

Close. He wants to be close. So they sit beside each other in the booth at the restaurant, they touch knees as they order drinks, Eren presses his hand between Levi's shoulders to guide him to the end of the buffet line. Will Eren question it? The way Levi sticks close to him as they watch their food made in the skillet before them, the way he doesn’t attempt to shake Eren’s touch as they slowly make their way through the crepe toppings, the eggs, the aromatic meat, doesn’t try to leave Eren to sit down until both of their plates are completely and ridiculously full. And they slide back into their seats, letting Eren begin to take on his mountain of food as Mikasa speaks. “We used to come here the mornings after hockey games.” Eren only nods, drizzling syrup into the wells of his waffle. “It was always Eren’s favorite.”

It’s a quiet word, something meant for Levi as she turns her eyes in her brother’s direction, pulling her lips into a smile at Eren’s unplanned attack on his breakfast. Of course it is… breakfast is his favorite thing to make, his second favorite way to wake Levi up, savory and sweet and unlimited. "You're in heaven, aren't you?"

Eren turns to Levi, stopped mid chew for only a moment before he swallows his food. "Why do you say that?"

"He doesn't know." Mikasa is looking at Levi too, lips pursed in a held back smile as Eren looks back and forth at both of them with furrowed eyebrows and a full mouth.

“It's all of your favorite things.” Picking up his fork and cutting a line into his omelette, he masks a smile on his own face. "You don't have to choose between pancakes and French toast, or waffles and crepes, or sausage patties or links, or bacon-”

“They had sausage links?” Standing, ignoring the two ravens scoffing at his behavior around breakfast food, Eren goes back to the line with a new plate in hand. If he didn't know Eren's tolerance he might think the younger man was tipsy from that mimosa, but he's always been motivated by food, vending machine runs during break, dinners almost every night, he'd probably make Levi a lunch if he didn't spend so much time keeping them in bed each morning. The thought makes an uncontrolled, soft smile curl at the corners of his lips, but it fades quickly into his face as they fall into an uncomfortable silence, the space between Mikasa and himself very apparent as she watches him across the table. 

Biting the inside of her cheek, she glances at Eren across the restaurant, calculating how long he'll take to return, how long until she has the person she actually wants to talk to back at the table. “My brother...doesn't really tell me anything.” No, she doesn't want to talk to him, but talk about him. Letting her dark eyes fall over the fork resting in Levi's hand, the way he systematically cuts every bite, waiting for the words to form on her tongue before she continues. “He's always assumed that I'll side with our parents.” How could he be wrong to assume? Mikasa does everything she's asked, everything her father asks, doesn't she? “He didn't tell me when he was changing majors.” Is she just talking or is there a point to this? “I had to hear that he was hurting himself from Armin…” Oh. His quiet secret written in the scars on his arm, would she have recognized them if he gave her the chance? “I didn't even know he was in a serious relationship, let alone bringing someone home.” Serious relationship. Even she thinks it's serious. Why does that make him feel so uneasy? “But he hasn't stopped talking about you.” 

Because his failure here won't just be seen by Eren or Armin or his friends, it will be judged by his entire family, and Levi's every wrong move, every misstep, every broken word, it will only reflect poorly on Eren. Swallowing the thought, he forces himself to listen, to find the dull edge of her words ready to tear through his heart. 

“He trusts you…” There is no question attached, so Levi stays quiet, lets her churn over the words in her head. He trusts Levi, but she doesn't. Leave. Give up now. Stop toying with his fragile heart, stop pulling him down, stop ruining his chances at a good, safe life. “I just…” Willing his heart back down into his chest, clearing the tightness in his throat, he holds his breath through the pause the cold timbre of her voice. “I need to know that he's with someone strong enough to look out for him.” 

And that pulls Levi's gaze up, taking in the sharpened edges of her face. She's serious, concern is laced in her low eyebrows, her tight lips, so he sets his fork down, looks her in the eye, waiting for her to meet his gaze. “He hasn't hurt himself since before we met.” And she lets out a quiet sigh, hanging at the edge of the rest of his thought with muscles tight and high in her shoulders, lip bitten between her teeth just like her brother. She's only looking out for him, looking out for his best interests, but what if Levi can't offer enough to appease her. “I'll do my best to not let it get to that point again.” It might not be soothing, but at least it's a realistic promise. For as long as Levi is around, Eren will be safe, for as much as he can help it, Eren has someone to fall back on...for as long as Eren is willing to put up with him. But the weight doesn't lift from the corners of her mouth, from the space between tightly shaped eyebrows, from the breath held inside clenched lungs. It really has nothing to do with Levi at all. His existence cannot sway Eren's heart to stay, his love cannot keep him from leaving, Eren will go on regardless of Levi. “Your brother is far too strong to ever give up... and he's stubborn as hell.”

“I am not.” Eren's voice reaches him before the sight of the younger man reaches his peripherals, a quiet smirk on those pierced lips, plate in hand as he slides into the booth, pressing closer to Levi than he was before.

Their shoulders and hips are pressed close, only a breath of air between them, but he keeps his eyes on Mikasa, the soft smile etched into pale pink as Levi takes his win. “See?” And a short nod moves her as she picks back up eating, snicker moving through her nose as Levi grabs his fork and steals a sausage from Eren's plate. 

“And here I thought you two weren't going to get along.” Eren shoots a sideways glance watching Levi eat, sighing as his sister jabs another sausage link from his plate with a smile. “So do you have anything else in common besides torturing me?” 

Humming through a bite, she motions toward Levi with that pulled smile, a teasing tone in her voice. “Hmmm...reading?”

“Yes, reading” Levi nods and matches her look, pointing at her with his free hand.

“Good one, guys.” Eren's voice is deceiving, quiet and forced to make it sound like he's pouting but he's smiling down at his food in the corner of Levi's eye. This is going well, right? He hasn't quite fucked it up just yet, hasn't made a comment to demean his worth to Mikasa, hasn't made himself an enemy of the family. Is it okay to think it's going well? Sharing a soft silence to the background of silverware against dishes, the sizzle of the grills, the pleasant hum in Eren’s chest, they watch as Eren racks his brain for the similarities between the two of them. “You both really like sushi. And you both hate the cold.”

Aside from their looks, the dark hair, what might be described as dull eyes, pointed glances, there can't be much else. They both care about Eren, maybe to a fault, maybe to the point where they’ll get in his way, maybe to the point where they actually are torturing him. Clearing most of his plate, pushing it a few inches away from him, Levi lays his hands into his lap, letting the food sink a fullness into his stomach, the gentle silence ache a comfort into his chest. It might be a little true, because there’s something in him that wants to lay claim to that man, to push him until he can no longer hold back, so he slips his hands over Eren’s thigh, rests the tips of his fingers against the inner seam of Eren’s jeans, unrelenting until everyone is satiated, unmoving until Mikasa pays their bills and Eren leaves the tip like it was already discussed, like he had no choice in the matter, letting up on his grip only when they move to leave.

Climbing into the backseat, shivers draw goosebumps onto pale skin beneath his clothes even as the car heats up, even as they make their way back through the city. He’s already recognizing landmarks and buildings as they pass outside his window, already recognizing names of roads and the corners with gas stations, so he rests his head on the back of Eren’s seat. Closing his eyes to it, making himself blind to it, he doesn’t want to remember the sway of the trees in the wintry wind, or the way the buildings fall off as they near the outskirts of town. He doesn’t want to remember the dark teals and deep reds, doesn’t want to remember the faded browns and greys, he only wants to remember Eren...like it’s the last chance he’s got. He only wants to remember the way Eren’s eyes gleam like grass weighted down with morning dew, the quiet gaze and focused pupils as he watches the world move before him, the way those eyes feel tracing Levi’s skin, looking at him, looking into him. The way his smile moves through sun kissed skin, the thick, dark pink lips bitten and dampened and poised for a kiss. Deep, rich browns that fall in strands over his forehead, tease the back of his neck, press into messy bedhead against the pillow. 

Thick, unavoidable emptiness seeps into him, sinks into him, wrapping tight around his throat. Empty. His world will be so empty once Eren is gone. The thought crosses him in a fact, a reality, a truth. How much longer does he really plan on holding this light captive? How much longer will he be seen as a reliable suitor, someone worthy of Eren’s attention, his love, his promise? 

Sticking his hand between the seat and the side of the car, brushing the arm of Eren's jacket with his fingertips, he watches for only a second, prompting Eren to turn his head with a smile pulled into his lips, forcing Levi to press his forehead back into the seat, to close his eyes to the watery edges of his vision, to swallow hard against his tight throat. Eren reaches up with his other hand, tangling their fingers together, brushing his thumb against Levi’s, tracing every knuckle, reading every line in his skin. Can he feel it? The fragility in Levi’s bones? Is the frailty apparent in the build of his hands, or the flaws of his personality written into the flesh between his fingers, or the inadequacy of his every move, his every thought, drawn into his skin?

He just wants to be close, to sink into the assurance he finds moving against his hand, to use this unsure body of his to explore every inch of Eren’s, to understand what it means to know, to trust, to believe with unwavering confidence. But they pull into the driveway of Eren’s childhood home, they move from the car, and Levi follows close behind, holding his hands together, begging from the ridges of his fingerprints to hold onto that warmth, to remember he can always go back to it, to remember that he can always come back. Stripping away their coats, their scarves, their boots, Levi lets his eyes fall on the french doors to the right of the stairs, closed tight and lit from the inside, watches as Mikasa makes for the kitchen, stands completely still as Eren flops into the couch, props himself into the corner of the cushions. Does he have a place here?

Holding his arms out, Eren’s gaze is steadfast even as Levi’s flits across the room, checking for witnesses. Is it okay? Is it okay to be that close? Moving without permission, his body crosses the living room, sits near Eren on the couch, but his mind keeps them from touching even as his body turns his shoulders toward Eren. He’s already between Eren’s spread legs, already close enough to touch, but it just isn’t quite enough. “Come here.” Leaning forward, Eren’s voice is right in his ear, hands on his shoulders, approval and indulgence in his smile as Levi wraps his fingers around Eren’s waist, pulling wrinkles into the fabric as he settles into the couch, sinks into Eren’s hold. And he’s entombed exactly where he wants to be, tucked with his face in Eren’s chest, the younger man’s legs stretched out on either side of his body, holding him together, holding him from falling off the edge. Liberated by the confinement of Eren’s arms wrapped around the small of his back, across the line of his shoulders, a shuddered breath escapes his lungs, aches into Eren's shirt, bleeds from his chest. Let him stay in Eren’s arms a little while longer. Let his scent stay on Eren’s skin a little while longer. Let him keep a place in Eren’s heart just a little while longer. Please. 

Another breath shakes from his chest, fingers pulling tighter on Eren's shirt, latching on until those hands move against his back, rub a bit of ease into his muscles, draw quiet shivers up his spine. “How'd you like it?” The words settle into his ears, but no answer comes to mind, nothing moves in his head until Eren clarifies. “The breakfast place, did you like it?” 

“Hmm…” All he's felt so far this trip is full of food and starving for affection. This place means something to Eren, it was his favorite growing up here, it's important. “It was really good. I can see why it's your favorite.” He's talking into Eren's chest, mumbling, exhausted, but it must be enough, because Eren continues to run his hands on Levi's back. “Can't go wrong with crepes.” 

That justifies a short laugh from Eren's chest, a hum of content against Levi's ear. “And Mikasa's not too bad, right? She didn't threaten you or anything, did she?” Quiet, sure to not draw attention from his sister in the other room, Eren's voice resonates through Levi's body; deep, low.

Laughing into Eren's shirt, Levi settles his thoughts. “I like her.” And he sits up to see Eren's face when he lets out a short gasp.

“Yeah?” Thick eyebrows arch over glaring green, dark pink lips scrunched into a pout. “I'm kinda jealous. I wish you were so fond of me that quickly.”

Matching Eren's frown with a soft smile, he buries his head back in Eren's chest. “Trust me, I was much more fond of you in the same amount of time.” Attracted to him, drawn to him by some unforeseen force, something subtle in the way he moves, the way he speaks, something Levi can see in flashes of Mikasa's smile, the bite in her lip, the firm hold of her hands, something warm and endearing and familiar that brings Levi home, brings him to a stasis. “She's a lot like you.”

Eren only scoffs, shakes his head, maybe it's wrong to compare the two, maybe it's wrong to behave like everyone else when it comes to them. “Yeah she's just like me but like more together and more focused and she does everything right.”

Falling back into Eren's chest, Levi lets the words fall from his mouth before he can think to stop them. “She's doing her best, just like you are.” Does he really see her that way? Is their rivalry so ingrained in his head, so taught by his family that he's forgotten how hard it is to find yourself in obedience? “It might not mean much coming from me... but I think making your own decisions and following your calling is admirable.” That goes for both of them, that goes for Mikasa deciding to follow her father’s path, that goes for Eren searching for something else, treading on untampered ground, noting the way the leaves brush against his back, the way the branches snag his skin, the way the world moves in uncertain waves beneath his feet. “Doing what’s right for you is important.”

“You haven't even read my writing yet.” And Eren's fingers jab into Levi's sides, force a squirming laughter from the older man's lips. “It might be trash!”

Forcing his arms between them, pulling away from Eren's ticking, Levi lets the glare in his eyes defy the look in Eren’s. “I've read your essays...and the creative pieces you did for class.” Does he think Levi is completely oblivious? Or did he not know that Levi would be watching that closely? “Besides, who's fault is it that I haven't seen the rest?”

“It's your fault!” And this time it's Levi rubbing against Eren's ribs, forcing a laugh to bubble up from his chest, reaching closer to the sensitive flesh beneath his arms until his hands are halted by Eren's grasp. “I couldn't very well have given you a notebook full of my thoughts about you before I could tell you how I felt in person."

Could that ready have been why? Why he refused Levi's help, why he always insisted that his work wasn't ready for someone else's eyes? Is it okay to take it as the truth, to fall back into Eren's chest, to give himself into his heaving breaths, to ease into the quickened but steady heartbeat? “I probably would've just thought they were about someone else and backed off even more.”

“Exactly why I couldn’t risk it.” Slowing back to a quiet rhythm, Eren’s heart beats beneath Levi’s ear, his breath moves through his chest, moves Levi. They’ve squirmed enough that they’re both laying flat, both settled into the hold of their bodies, the warmth of their skin. “You can read them whenever you want now, you know how I feel about you.” 

Does he really know? No… if he really knew, he wouldn’t be caught worrying over their complete dissolution. If he really knew he wouldn’t be begging for the right answers, the right words to slip from Eren’s lips, the perfect phrase that will hang him between harmony and tension, the pure promise that will keep him above the water as the waves take him over. “I will when we go home.” Home to Washington, home to the little piece of comfort he’s etched out for himself. Home in Eren’s arms, home in his heart, alive and safe and eternal in his bloodstream.

“I wish we were home now.” That’s all he needs to hear, that they’ll return, that they’ll continue on, that this isn’t the end. “We could nap all afternoon and I could keep you up all night.” Eren’s voice… it’s so close, so near to his ear, seeping and stretching and soaking into Levi’s body. That’s all he needs, to submit his thoughts to his body, to defer to Eren’s confidence, to bend and bow and buckle beneath the weight of Eren’s touch. If only they could do that now, if only Eren could lay his claim to Levi one more time before Levi has to meet the younger man’s father. If only he could believe in this relationship, believe in himself, just a little bit more, just enough to let his hands release Eren’s shirt, to let his heart beat on its own, to let his mind move freely without awaiting the end.

They’ve just got to make it back home, make it through these next couple days. They’ll be okay after that, right? He’ll still be able to lay his head on Eren’s chest, still be able to let the strength of that heart beat a steady rhythm into his body, still be able to ask for more, still be able to ask for everything… right? 

Time slips from him, his moment to beg comes to an end as Mikasa comes back through the kitchen door, grabbing the top of the sofa and leaning over to talk to her brother. “Mom forgot the meringue powder…”

Why are they always embracing when she comes in? Should he remove himself from her brother’s arms? “Is that for the icing?” Wrapping his arms a little tighter around Levi, he covers the majority of Levi’s back, steadies his thoughts.

Nodding in the corner of Levi’s vision, she shifts her weight on her feet. “I'm going to grab what I’ve got at my apartment. Want to come?”

“Sure.” Moving out of Levi’s peripherals, Mikasa slips her coat on, making noise near the front door as Levi lifts himself from Eren’s body. “Ready for another field trip?”

It’s disgusting, manipulative, but he offers nonetheless, he plays on his advantage, works to stay in good favor of the family members he’s already met. “I think I’ll stay and help your mom.” And Eren’s face falls a little, the corners of his smile dipping into a subtle frown as flitting green takes in every detail of Levi’s face. “It’s okay. It’s pointless for all three of us to go. Plus it will give me time to get to know her, right?” 

Smiling a little for Eren, matching the soft curve of those perfect, dark pink lips, he offers a silent thanks to his selfishness, his scheming nature. “She’ll love that.” Noting the movement of Eren’s hands, the way they brush the sides of Levi’s face, the way his thumbs turn up Levi’s chin, the way Levi fits perfectly in the crook of Eren’s knee, the way his eyes close without prompting as Eren leans in, the way their lips press together. “You really are too perfect.” Guilt keeps his eyes from opening, shame from moving from Eren’s grasp. He’s only doing this to retain his space at Eren’s side… he’s selfish and needy and he’ll do anything to prove his worth, anything to remain here. And another kiss is placed on Levi’s lips, his nose, his forehead, another whisper lined in his heart. “I love you.” Watching Eren slip away from him, watching him move toward the door, Levi remains unmoving, waiting. “We’ll be back in a little bit.”

He can’t allow himself to watch Eren leave through the front door, can’t allow himself to back out, so he rises from the couch, moves toward the kitchen, holding his breath as the sound of the front door clicks behind him. I love you too. Why didn’t he say it? Why is his mouth so slow to answer? Why does he pause with his fingertips pressed into the kitchen door? Why does it feel like he won’t get another chance? Pressing the thought down, crushing it beneath a held breath, he moves into the kitchen, moves to distract himself from the fear that’s crept back into his tight throat.

Looking up from her space at the cutting board, Carla’s smile stops him in his tracks, the sticky sweet smell of meat in a crockpot, the quiet hum of holiday music on the radio, ingredients laid out over every inch of the granite countertops. “Did they forget something?”

“Ah, no.” Begging his voice not to betray him, not to quake beneath the pressure of those shadowy hands, he steps into the heat of the kitchen, letting the door close behind him. “I was wondering if you needed any help?” 

Smile, that bright, infectious smile draws him in, draws him closer. “I’d love some.” Setting the knife beside her workspace, wiping her hands off on the apron tied around her waist she moves across the room to grab something hanging on the other cupboard. “Wash up and you can take over here.” And he does as he’s told, avoiding the side of the sink with bright green beans sitting in a colander, turning to her and accepting the deep red apron in her hands over his head, letting her tie it behind his back. Embroidered into the top left corner, stitched into the fabric, Eren’s name looks back up at him eases him into his space. “Can you peel these potatoes?”

Nodding, he receives the peeler from her hand, turning to the rinsed potatoes. He’s done this before, attempted to help Hanji and Erwin with dinner, but they always ended up kicking him out of their way, always ended up frustrated with his lack of efficiency. Quiet, focused, he peels each potato carefully, letting the peels fall into the bag she placed before him, feeling her move around him, accomplishing things at twice his speed. Slicing and sauteing onions, preparing a sauce, checking her crockpots, cleaning as she goes, he listens to her hum away, wonders if she’s bothered by his speed, if she’d be able to finish this all on her own in far less time. “Sorry, I’m not very good at this.” 

When he places the last peeled potato into the pile, he turns to look at her, almost expecting to see his mother’s darkened hair pulled back into a sloppy bun, almost expects to see her pale skin and her gentle eyes, almost expects to hear her voice. But it is Eren’s mother at his side, her smile so welcoming, so comforting as she holds a hand out for the bowl. “You’re doing great.” And she motions for him to follow her, turning to the island and laying a few potatoes out on the cutting board. “Cut them all up like this.” Slicing through a few with ease, leaving the flat rounds out on the other side of the knife.

“Okay.” He watches as she moves to the other side, laying out onions in the casserole dish as he carefully cuts the rest. It seems so familiar, but not because of his mother, not because of his childhood, something closer, something he’s held near his heart, something recent. “Oh, I’ve seen Eren make this.” The thought slips from his lips as he slices away, pausing him with the knife held firm against the cutting board.

“Does he cook for you?” Levi only nods, looking up to see the smile stretched across her face. It only lasts for a moment, the deep set in smile lines, the curve of her dimple, and it draws blush across Levi’s face, warms his cheeks. “That’s my boy.” Eren is always taking care of him, he’s always been treating him, he’d like to see them work side by side, like to watch them prep a meal together, like to be the person who can work at his side. “This is his favorite, he always wants it when he comes home.”

“Then I have to make sure not to mess it up.” He has to make sure he remembers how it’s done, to help Eren the next time he offers to make dinner, to show him he’s good enough, so he continues cutting even slices, continues watching her prep.

“You two are so sweet on each other.” This time she doesn’t look up to smile, just keeps her eyes down, keeps her lips turned up, keeps Levi’s face flushed and reddened. “Then we lay them out like this.” She takes the completed slices and places them in a row, waiting for Levi to do the rest. “Perfect.” And that big smile doesn’t fade as she moves to the oven, retrieves trays of cookies and puts them on the table for cooling. Levi follows her silent directions, coming to her side at the stove where she mixes a warm, cheesy roux, listening well as she explains the contents, handing off an oven mitt to him and watching as he pours the sauce over the potatoes, wrapping the top in foil and pulling the oven door open for him to place it on a rack. “And it’s as easy as that.”

“You make it seem a lot easier than it is.” Slipping the oven mitts from his hands, hanging them back where he watched her grab them from, he scans the kitchen for the work that remains, the mess on every countertop waiting to be cleaned up. How long has it been? How long have they been gone? And how long has he felt almost comfortable working at Carla’s side?

“Well we've got another couple hours for the ham and everything else is prepped, how about we sneak some cookies and tea?” Nodding, he stands awkwardly leaning against the island, looking for something productive to do as Carla fills the teapot and sets it on the stove. “Earl Grey?”

“Yes, please.” And she sets their mugs beside the stove, sprinkling the tea leaves into the infusers. Clearing his throat, Levi gathers up the dishes and cutting boards and puts them beside the sink, wiping up stray peels and fallen flour off of the countertops before returning to the sink. 

“Washing those can wait.” Offering him a smile and a mug, she moves two cookies from the sheet onto a plate, gesturing for him to follow. She takes away the guessing, taking a seat in the chair at the end of the coffee table, letting him sit in the corner of the couch beside her, not too close, not too far, giving him some space before handing him a cookie. “So… I never got to apologize for bringing up your mother.”

“Oh. Really, it's fine.” Staring down at the cookie in his hand, he takes a bite, wills the tightness in his throat away. Eren was less than pleased about the situation. “He's just…” What is he? Scared of bringing up painful spots in Levi’s past? Unaware of the boundaries Levi keeps up between them? 

“Trying his best to protect you.” Drawing Levi’s eyes up, her face is soft, eyebrows high, amber eyes widened and dancing against his face, and her statement sinks deep into his skin.

“That could be it…” Eren’s always so busy making sure that nobody gets too close to Levi, that nobody offends him, that nobody touches him… he forgets how close Levi wants Eren to be, forgets that Levi wants to be eclipsed by that light, to give into the warmth of the sunshine, to be able to breathe in his darkness and come out the other end alive. Or maybe he never knew… maybe he never understood, maybe Levi didn’t make himself clear. “It's just that he never asks and I never offer. I guess that's my fault.” Eyes falling, watching the way the tea ripples in his cup at every shaky breath, he almost doesn’t hear her over the blood rushing in his ears.

“Getting to know someone takes a long time.” Right. They’ve only been together for a little while, they’ve only known each other for a few months. That’s Levi’s fault too. Maybe if he had let Eren in a little sooner, maybe if he had opened himself up to the idea, he wouldn’t be sitting here wondering how this dinner will press against them, how it will force them to act. “You'll get there.” And she smiles, one of those bright, toothy smiles, one that wakes the dimple in her cheek. Will they? Why is she so sure? “Reach down and grab those books.” She points to the photo albums beneath the glass of the coffee table, pulling out the stack nearest her and waiting for Levi to do the same.

Selfish, needy, the thought moves through him, enrapturing his heart, entombing his mind. He wants all of Eren, his beginnings, his firsts, his memories… he wants every means to every end, every last, and everything in between. He needs to tell Eren that. He needs to tell him. And just what would someone like him do with all of that? Just what would someone primed to be a momentary lapse do with a lifetime of promises? Unfinished, unstable, Levi is surely unable to receive the world that Eren could give him… But his greedy body aches for it, his hungry heart beats for it, needy fingers flipping through page after page, eager eyes taking in every photo. Memorizing, scanning, he wants to remember every detail, the blues and lavenders of silky flowers, the white lace of Carla’s wedding dress against the velvety black of Grisha’s jacket. He wants to remember tiny babies in incubated boxes, the blue and pink stripes at the edge of the hospital blankets, the tightly wrapped twins with flushed faces and tired eyes, the dark brown hair in soft waves on their little heads. He wants to remember the chubby cheeks of toddler faces, the way they slept on each other’s shoulders in the back seat of the car, and how similar they looked until middle school, the way Mikasa grew tall and lanky before Eren hit puberty. He wants to remember how long it took for that Eren to start looking like his Eren, the one he knows now, how he always managed to be missing a tooth for elementary school portraits, how goofy he looked in his middle school graduation gown, how gangly and tall he became the first year of high school.

The ache… he wants to remember the ache in his chest, the way it reaches out for the young boy in the photos, the way it wonders and worries over the nights that boy spent alone and confused and afraid. Turning the page, he wants to remember the choke in his throat seeing the straight faced photo of freshman year, the bruised and swollen young man at the other end of the camera, the whisper that slips from his lips. “Ouch…”

“He refused to do a retake that year.” Levi’s fingers touch the plastic covering the photo, running over Eren’s bruised eyebrow, his busted lip. “Fought a group of boys who decided to shove his friend Armin around.” It’s something he never wanted to see, something he’ll never be able to forget, willing the shadows lurking deep within his bones to remember the ache of seeing his heart broken and bloodied, for the demons asleep in his chest to dwell and die in the heartbreak of seeing Eren this way. “He stopped getting into fights after he started hockey.” But Levi isn’t listening anymore, he isn’t even really here, his space on the couch is no longer occupied, it’s merely haunted by his hollowed body. “I promise he’s not that much of a brute now.”

Reaching, grasping, her hand brushes his arm, a concerned look etched into amber eyes, low eyebrows, a tilted frown. Levi only shakes his head, trying to recall what she said last. “It’s not that.” It isn’t Eren’s temper that he’s worried about… Eren is gentle, soft. It hurts to see him like that, but Levi doesn’t look away, he wants to hold that pain in his gut, a warning to whatever piece of Kenny still breathes inside him. “I’ve just got a few school photos that look like this one.” Ones that didn’t make it to the yearbook, ones that were thrown aside because Kenny liked keeping up appearances, liked to keep their fights behind closed doors. But there were also photos from a few police reports, ones with matching bruises on his knuckles and Kenny’s face, times that other people stepped in on, dismissed as their sheriff promised it was just hormones pushing his nephew out of line, just his mental state pushing him over the edge.

“The amount of bullies in schools is disheartening…” 

“Um…” Shit. Why did he say anything? He could just lie, he could just lie and say the jackasses at school were his problem, but she’s looking at him with those eyes, a world he’s already been weakened to. Just say it, say it clear enough that no more questions follow. “Not bullies, a guardian.” 

“Oh…” And he pulls his gaze away from hers, watches her head tilt in his peripherals. “Family?” He only nods, only stares down at the edge of Mikasa’s adjoining picture from that year, the reigned in smile, the straight black hair cut just above her shoulders. “Does Eren know?”

Does Eren know what he’s getting into? Does Eren know the dangers of being with Levi? “Yes.” Does he know what those filthy hands are capable of, the reflexes etched into impressionable sinew, the bruises and blood and scars hardened over his heart? 

Turning the page of the album, on the photo, on the conversation, he glares down at the shaking in his shitty fingertips, faces down the heavy beating in his chest, begs her not to criminalize him before he has the chance to prove her wrong, to prove Kenny wrong, to prove himself wrong. “Levi, I’m-” Interrupted, her thoughts are dismantled, accusations torn away from her lips as Eren’s voice moves through the quiet air, the chill from outside reaching all the way into his core.

Cold radiates from Eren’s form as he leans over the couch just behind Levi’s back. Cold, it chokes Levi’s throat beneath a shaded tightness. “Aw you couldn’t have made it past the awkward teenage phase before I got back? I didn’t start filling out until after that.” Levi turns the page without turning to Eren, breathing until the redness in his face dissipates, focuses on the smile that reaches across Eren’s cheeks until the water that has welled up in his eyes falls away. “That’s better.” 

He may want everything, but he won’t be the one to break Eren, he won’t be the one to ruin that smile. If his existence is a danger to Eren’s safety, his happiness, his support system, Levi won’t hesitate. The decision was made a long time ago, a promise punctuated in his words. Can she see it? Can she read the expression in his eyes when he turns her way? Stronger than his past, stronger than himself, worry still laces the curve of her eyes, aches from deep inside blackened pupils. Has he already lost her trust?

“Who wants to help with the icing?” Rushed, pointed, Mikasa’s voice breaks them from their gaze, pulls Carla from her seat, allows a little space for Levi to breathe.

And Eren immediately takes that space, sitting behind Levi in the air between his back and the couch, looking over Levi’s shoulder. Was he always perched at the edge of the cushions, always poised to leave at any moment? Leaning back into Eren’s chest, he pulls the high school album onto his lap, flipping through the last few pages with Eren’s breath near his ear, calming him, holding him down. “Look at you…” It’s almost a whisper as Eren wraps his arms around his waist, resting his chin on Levi’s shoulder. Some of the last photos are the same as those on the mantle, some of Eren with a short smirk on his face, handsome and tucked nicely into his suit, or smiling wide while draped in his hockey jersey without the padding.

“I’m a dork.” Reverberating through his chest, the timbre of Eren’s voice seeps into Levi, tickles a shiver up his spine.

“My dork.” And Eren squeezes harder, makes his heart beat heavy in his ribcage. “This one is my favorite though.” Setting down the album in his hands, pulling back and older album marked with a coaster, he flips open another page to one of Eren stripping naked in the kitchen, wavy brown locks pointed every which way on his head. “Look at your cute little butt!”

A short laugh bubbles from his throat, falls away as Eren buries his face into Levi’s neck, breathing into the threads of his shirt. “I wish I could see the way my Levi was as he grew up.” His Levi, like they really belong to each other, like there’s really a space that Levi occupies in his heart. “Do you have pictures like this or…” Muted by Levi’s clothes, Eren’s words seem hidden against his skin, anticipating the answer.

“I can assure you that my butt was never little.” It’s not what Eren meant, he knows that, but he doesn’t want to give away his secret, doesn’t want to give away the surprise, Eren still wants to know him, still makes Levi feel warm and wanted. Eren still offers a response, a quiet hum in his chest, the hitched breath beside Levi’s neck, the lips brushing his ear, drawing another shiver up his spine. And it’s his own damned fault, he did this to himself, so he can only accept the kiss behind his ear, can only breathe as his skin pulls tight around goosebumps. 

“Eren.” It’s a voice Levi isn’t familiar with, low and full and resonating through the pounding in his chest, making them both jump in their places. “Come help finish dinner.” 

“Coming.” Holding Levi's shoulder, letting his fingers drag across his back, Eren slips from behind him, leaves him alone with the swish of the kitchen door. He's been here the whole time, hidden behind the doors of his office.

Replacing the albums on the lower shelf of the coffee table, he listens for the voices in the house, trying to block out the shadowy thought on the back of his head telling him to make it look like he was never here. But he fixes the pillows on the couch anyway, returns it all to the way it was before they sat down, turning when he hears the soft sound of the tablecloth being laid out on the dining room table. 

Quiet, they move the beige tablecloth together, hanging it even on either side of the table, fingertips running across the shiny embroidered leaves. “Are you nervous about meeting my dad?” 

Meeting him won't be the problem, the problem will be trying not to incriminate himself any further. “Should I be?” 

But Mikasa only shrugs, whispers her response. “Eren seems worried.” Grabbing the dishes from the China cabinet, she lets him set the plates and bowls as she pulls the silverware. “But he’s always like that when it comes to dad.”

“That doesn't make me feel better.” Nothing short of falling into Eren's arms, pulling him tight, refusing to let go, would ease the high heat stretching around his lungs, scratching at the inside of his ribcage. Nothing short of a long conversation, a sleepless night, the undivided attention of Eren's heart will save him from this sinking weight, the deep blue that crashes over him. 

Pulling her lips tight, she moves to say something, but the kitchen door swings open and Eren files in with hotpads and a dish crawling with steam. “Drinks?”

“I'll get them.” And she leaves him alone, folding the deep red of the cloth napkins, slipping them beside each plate. When will he stop being like this? When will he stop needing so much reassurance, so much encouragement to get through the simplest things? Table set, completed, he stands with his hands wrapped around the wood of the chair he sat in last night, leaning his weight into it, begging his body not to jump as Jaeger family joins him, each carrying the remainder of the meal. 

Taking her spot beside him, Mikasa places a short glass before his plate, poured halfway with a dark amber liquid, one that warms his throat despite the ice, one that lines his stomach with a giddy heat and draws a bit of confidence into his skin as he takes a seat, one that dares him to glance diagonally down the table at Eren and allows him to accept the short smile and wink on his face. It mistakenly gives him a bit of determination, just enough to make him turn to the head of the table, the man seated beside him with a quiet, unyielding demeanor. “It’s nice to meet you Mr. Jaeger.”

“Doctor.” And the older man turns to him with a tilted head, low eyelids, straight-faced and calm. It’s the first time Levi can really get a good look at him, the current him, not the smiling man from the photos, but the talented, brooding doctor, the one with long, straight, chestnut hair pulled back into a tidy bun, the circular, wire-framed glasses that sit poised at the bridge of his nose. 

Levi should’ve known better, should’ve thought this through, because it’s the same as it always was with Kenny, the insistence he be addressed by his title, the profound bit of power that comes from a name, a label. He’s so familiar with it, he’s seen it so many times before, so he clears his throat, pulls his shoulders back, and gives the man what he wants. “Doctor… I’m sorry. Doctor Jaeger, it’s nice to meet you.” 

“You too, Levi.” Eren shrinks in his chair at the corner of Levi’s vision, he’s already managed to fuck this up, and despite the anger that begins to boil at the pit of Levi’s stomach, despite the churn in his gut at the similarity between this man and the one he grew up knowing, he bites back what little pride he has for Eren, holding onto his temper for Eren, he has to make this work. And Grisha turns to the food, satisfied by subservience. “Let’s eat.” 

Dishes and conversation pass around the table, thanks and praise to Carla for her dinner, and Levi keeps his head down, his eyes low, because he’s already fallen out of favor with her, divulged too much. It’s only a matter of time before the boy with the bright eyes feels the same, and that fact falls heavy-handed on his throat, tightens with each swallow, fades in with a creeping darkness at the edges of his vision. It will happen, maybe it already has. Maybe the words that slip from Eren’s lips are already a lie, maybe the true meaning is already lost on Levi as he praises the work he did on his favorite dish. Maybe he’s already been left behind as the discussion moves through Mikasa, pushes a high strain into her voice that beats a panic into his chest, one that only magnifies as the attention is pointed in his direction. 

“Can you try to get to know your son's guest instead of berating your children?”

Whiskey doesn’t help, breathing doesn’t help, but every question he answers only passes the time further, so he sits tight, chokes out his answers to pointless thoughts. He's not so bad, right? Just an overbearing father. Maybe Levi can see eye to eye with him in this state. They already seem to have covered the basics, run over what Levi divulged yesterday, does that include what he said to Carla? Does that mean he already knows things none of them were supposed to know? But the only things Grisha wants to know are based on schools, salary, what side of town Levi's apartment sits on. Would he be disgusted or impressed to know what Levi came from? Probably disgusted, probably irritated that Eren would choose such a filthy person to bring home to his family, probably nauseated that Eren would choose such an unworthy person to touch, to fuck, to love. Does Eren already feel the same way? 

Levi is overall unimpressive compared to the others at the table, he doesn’t even need to lessen himself. And his shitty life isn’t even enough to keep Grisha’s attention for longer than ten minutes, pointing his sights on Eren across the table. “Your lease with Armin is up in what, 6 months? What are you doing after that?” Six months… Levi hadn’t even considered that, hadn’t even given a thought to what Eren was thinking of doing once school ended, he’s been too fucking wrapped up in the beginnings of a relationship to think about plans… 

“You know you can always come home.” Carla wears a soft smile, and Levi can’t even believe what’s coming out of her mouth. Home. He wouldn’t leave now, would he?

“I can’t come home. I have a life in Washington.” Right… he has friends and a job, and Levi… he has Levi there, does that even matter at this point?

Prying further, Grisha’s voice sinks low into Levi’s chest, and that hold on his throat, those hands on his neck, they pull tighter. “Have you given any thought to what you’re doing with your future?”

“Do you want the honest answer or the one that will make you at least a little bit happy?” Eren… he still sits up straight, still holds his ground, but Levi can feel the tremor in his voice.

“I wish they were the same thing.”

“So do I.” They’ve both stopped eating, glaring at each other from across the table, but the rest of them keep their heads down, picking at the food on their plates. He never asked Eren what he wanted to do after graduation… he wasn’t thinking that far ahead, he never thought he’d make it that long, despite the promises, despite the whispered forevers. “I’m going to take a year off. I’m just going to get a desk job and really give writing a shot. If it doesn’t go anywhere after a year then I’ll go back and get my teaching degree-”

“Listen to yourself, son.” And Grisha’s fist clashes with the table, clinking silverware with dishes as he takes a deep breath. “You need to think more seriously about this. There’s still time for you to apply to my program, I can pull some strings to get you in.”

“Dad…” Voice soft, stern, Mikasa speaks up beside Levi, turning everyone’s eyes toward her.

“Would you rather we talk about your failures in the program?” She looks down, retreating, gaze begging a soft apology from her brother. So that’s how it is, that’s why everyone stays quiet, to remain outside the crosshairs, to keep away from the words that cut quick and deep. “Didn’t think so.”

But Eren doesn’t back down, doesn’t mind taking the heat for a little while longer, doesn’t let his voice get ahead of him despite the glare in feral green. “I’m not coming back here. I already told you, my life is in Washington.”

“Yes, I can see that.” Glaring dark eyes fall on Levi, burn into the side of his head, but Levi only watches Eren, only watches the tightness grow in his jaw. “You think your life in Washington has much to offer you?” Does his life with Levi have that much to offer him? Eren doesn't dignify that with a reply. “Why don't you apply where Armin is going? It isn't too late for you to make the right decision here.”

“I'm making the right decision for me.” Picking up his fork, he goes back to eating, not returning his gaze to his father.

“You're giving up a great opportunity. Your mother and I gave our lives creating a name for you two and you insist on bringing it down. And for what? Your pride?” No reply. “My father forced me to become a doctor, and it was the best thing he could’ve done for me. I give you the option and all you’ve done is choose wrong.” Grisha’s voice grows louder, but Eren doesn’t look up, doesn’t plan on answering to his father’s whim. “I thought your friends knew better, but apparently you've surrounded yourself with people who want you to fail, people like this who want to keep you small, keep you dependent.” 

There it is. Another dig on Levi, another dagger pointed in his direction, one that tears Eren’s eyes up, one that draws his eyebrows down into a scowl, his lips cocked to words that have yet to fall. “Enough.” But it isn’t Eren’s voice, it’s Levi’s level word that stops them both in their tracks. It comes out without thought, slipping out from his tight tongue. Nobody is willing to take the brunt of the anger, so he’ll do it. He'll put himself in the middle for Eren. If it’s the last thing he can do, he’ll do it.

“Excuse me?” This time those eyes fix on Levi, flexing against his gaze as he turns toward Grisha’s words. 

Eren fidgets in his seat, but the decision has already been made, Levi’s voice moves from his lips, keep anyone else from stepping in. “I said alright, that's enough.”

“You think you know my children better than I do?”

In all his life of pain or indifference, he is angry. Angry. The word seeps into him and it scares him and fuels him. He's angry, and he can no longer hold his tongue. But he stays calm, he holds himself down, begs his voice to stay stable. “I can’t speak for Mikasa, I don't think she'd appreciate it, but I do know she does what you want without question, she puts herself in difficult situations to please you. As for Eren… shouldn't you be happy that he's intelligent enough, independent enough to decide that's not how he wants to live?” This isn’t confidence aching from his lips, it isn’t faith in himself, but nobody should speak to Eren that way, nobody should tear the smile from those lips. “Shouldn’t he be able to live without regretting his choices?”

“As expected from a boy without a family-”

“Grisha!” But he doesn’t flinch. Neither of them do, Levi just lifts his hand in Carla’s direction. He doesn't need anyone to stand up for him, he’s done this to himself. 

And Grisha continues, pressing his weight into his elbow, leaning toward Levi with a smirk on thin, pale lips. “You don't understand what it means to be loyal.”

“I understand loyalty just fine.” Loyal… he’s always been loyal. He lived between the tough love and a heavy hand for years, he stuck with it until he was old enough to leave. He found people that cared about him and promised to keep them safe, safe from others, safe from himself. He met Eren and never looked at anyone else the same, he promised to keep him safe too, promised to never let himself go too far, to never let himself be the one to hurt the one that offers him a little happiness. And family… he has a family, he has a family in Eren’s heart, even if the younger man doesn’t want him anymore, even if the younger man can’t find it in himself to love him anymore, Eren changed him, loved him, pieced him back together. “It takes quite a bit of loyalty to be committed to people who aren’t related by blood, that doesn’t mean they aren’t family.”

“You think you're special, so let me enlighten you.” Grisha argues more eloquently than Kenny. No incessant swearing, no dishes being thrown, no threat of bodily harm. Levi would’ve already been thrown from his chair at this point, already been pinned to the floor thanks to his unstoppable mouth, his thoughtless words. “You're not the first person my son has brought home claiming to love, and you're certainly not the first man he's brought home, but you're only a blip in his timeline.” But Grisha’s words still hurt, they still knock the air from Levi’s chest, they still burn hot against his skin, back him into a corner, force him to fight, to run. “One day, just like the others, you'll no longer find that lack of motivation sexy and youthful, you'll realize that it’s irresponsible, that he's going nowhere, and when you do, his family will be here to steer him back in the right direction.”

Bodies poised in mirrored positions, elbows pressed against the table, heads turned toward each other, Levi’s mouth moves without permission, his fingernails digging into the palm of his hand. “Maybe you're right.” He can feel Eren looking right at him, can hear the quiet intake of breath through those dark pink lips. “And hell, I hope he ends up with someone a lot nicer than me.” Someone who knows their place, someone who knows their worth and acts like it, someone who can provide a life, a home, a family, someone who knows how to love, how to live. “But I don't need to be around to know that he’ll save just as many lives with his writing as he would being a doctor.” He’s already saved one, already brought Levi back to life, even if just for a little while. Even if Levi doesn’t make it much longer, even if he never gets to see Eren again, that man gave him something he never thought was possible. Even if Eren leaves him, he can know that for these couple months Levi has lived… loved. “I don’t have to be around to know that no matter what path he chooses, he’ll be a greater man than you, and a better father than you ever were to him.”

Silence. Everyone at the table is completely and utterly silent, but he's tuned into Eren's breathing, his lungs full, bated, held, waiting for one of them to start up again. And Eren’s heart, it beats loud enough for Levi to hear it over his own. He felt it was right, he felt it was until his lips stopped moving, until his thoughts ceased at the end of his sentence. And the blush rushes into his face, his chest, he's sweaty and hot. Embarrassment, he's acted like a child in a house full of adults. He's overstepped, overreacted, declared war over someone that was never truly his, someone who was only passing his time. Is that how it’s always been?

He should've kept his mouth shut, should've secured his spot at Eren's side, should've stayed quiet, stayed on the family's good side, should've told Eren how he felt in private. They welcomed him into their home only for him to betray them, and Eren… Eren brought him here only to be humiliated. And it moves Levi to stand, pulls him relentlessly toward the door, begs at him to get the fuck out of here, get the fuck out before the tears decide to well up in his eyes. “I'm sorry for ruining your dinner, your Christmas eve.” He looks at Carla blankly, trying not to read the look on her face, trying not to let his wily eyes flit to Eren at her side. “I'll pack my things and go.” He can’t look back, can’t look at those forgiving green eyes, walking away from the table with haste in his step.

But his arm is brushed gently by tanned fingertips, just barely, just enough to make him turn his head back. “Levi…” Eren has his hand hooked at the edge of the table as he reaches for his arm again, but he's already too far, he’s already too far gone.

“I'm sorry.” Sorry for not giving them a full chance. Sorry for thinking he has any right to talk about Eren's worth. Sorry for assuming for just one second, one fleeting moment, that his love means anything to the dynamic of this family. But he's already turned away. He's already turned from Eren's face, from his body as he pushes up against the table to stand, as his voice prods at the people at the table, level, a bit louder than Levi's was, but he can't hear what they're saying, he can only hear the pounding of his footsteps against the stairs, the beating of his heart barely throbbing in his chest, daring to fall completely away. He'll have the whole family in uproar. They won't be able to come back from this, he and Eren… they’re over, aren’t they? 

Moving quickly with shaking hands, gathering his laptop from Eren’s bedroom, moving to the guest room, he piles his things back into his suitcase, fingers accidently grabbing Eren’s old hockey sweatshirt, pulling the fabric into a fist. What an idiot. What a shitty, fucking idiot. How could he be so stupid? How could he throw this away? What would be the normal thing to do here? Not argue, not say anything, just let Eren’s father tear into him for the whole weekend… repair the damages he makes into Eren’s heart after they return home? Is that what normal people do? “Fuck…” And he reaches into the zipper pocket of his suitcase, pulling out the little box tied with a lopsided bow, the metal of the key inside rattling against the box. He can part with this here. He can leave this piece of himself with Eren. He won’t need it without Eren, anyway, so he shoves it deep into the younger man's suitcase, layering it in clothes he’ll never see again, clothes he’ll never again get to pull between his fingertips, press his face into, steal and wear and make Eren jealous in.

Everything, it takes everything he’s got to not turn around when he hear his name as he reaches the front door. It takes everything he’s got to grab his coat in his fist, to close himself outside in the icy cold. How the hell is is going to get home? 

Home. He’s never had a home like the one in Eren’s arms. And he never will again. 

Slipping away, choking tears spring from his eyes, selfish, pointless tears. Dropping his bags onto the front step, tugging on his jacket, his scarf, wrapping it up around his mouth, he tries to catch the breaths that heave from his chest in condensing clouds. Lurching beneath his feet, dizzy and faulted and completely indistinguishable from his heavy breaths, the world aches on as the trees in the distance and the darkened sky fade into one. Maybe he wasn’t the thing Eren was always bound to leave, maybe he wasn’t the object in the passing glance of a curious man. Maybe he was the wind at Eren’s back, pushing him, constantly pressing him steadily away. Maybe now he can really blame himself, maybe now he and his stupid mouth can finally be at fault.

His face is warm and hot, his skin warm to the touch, but he’s cold. Alone. Everything he’s ever needed is just behind that door, everything that’s ever made him feel light and vital and wanted, everything that’s ever fought against the shitty parts of him, the parts that he always hated about himself. But that’s over. There’s no turning back now. There was no turning back the second he closed that heavy door behind him. But he doesn’t move, he doesn’t leave the front porch, his feet don’t dare drag him from this spot. There is no confidence in his chest, only a tight lump in his throat, only a heavy weighted emptiness with fingers like fire, spreading, stretching, scheming to tear him apart. 

He’s nothing. He’s nothing without Eren. And Eren has the ability to be everything without him. And that’s never mattered before. He’s never cared about missing out, never dreamt up a list of things he wanted to do one day. Was he even alive most days? Was he even living? He never made plans, never put too much weight in values, never gave it much thought. He didn’t plan on falling in love. He didn’t. He didn’t plan on making plans, but that didn’t stop him. 

He still wants to be there to see the way Eren stops mid sentence to write a thought down, the way his mind never stops racing, never ceases creating. He still wants to read what Eren wrote, to read what those bright green irises saw in someone as unspectacular as Levi, to understand what’s going on in that perfect head of his, to see the world through someone so loving, so forgiving. He still wants to take another class with Eren, to talk about everything and absolutely nothing at all, to go on vending machine runs, to hold hands in the hallway, to not pay attention to the lecture in exchange for texting with Eren for a few hours, to ride home together. He still wants to bicker over the city’s best Thai takeout, to help Eren clean the dishes, to fight over the blanket on the couch, to end up wrestling on the floor, to use kisses and bites and hickeys as gentle weapons, to tug at clothes and pull skin close, to surrender with soft panting, quiet ‘I love yous.’ He still wants to spend each night by Eren’s side, to wake from a fever dream with the comforting knowledge that he’s not alone, he’s no longer alone. He still wants the way Eren always creeps closer in the middle of the night, the way they give each other no space between the sheets, the way they fall together again and again until they’re exhausted, until they call in sick to work. He still wants the scent of coffee to fill their apartments each morning, the way Eren makes his tea just a little too sweet every time, still wants to keep getting used to it. He still wants to have Eren accompany him grocery shopping each week, to bring him to pick new sheets, new blankets, new throw pillows to pepper grey and white with rich reds, soft greens, he still wants to make his apartment perfect for Eren to live in. He still wants to give him a key to his place. He still wants to know Eren’s plans. 

And now he’ll never get the chance. 

He wants forever. 

How could forever come to an end so soon?


	19. Keep Me As Still As Can Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When did that change? What is that alive inside him, burning him up from the inside out, setting his heart on fire? Is it the knowledge that he was right, that everyone was fucking right? Because he can fake it all he wants, he can claim his love all he wants, but he wasn't made for this. He wasn't made for Eren. That's the truth, isn't it? So why now... why, after all of this is over, does the realization anchor his heart in his gut, why, now, does he only want be remembered? Why, now, does he want his memory to remain intact behind the warmth in Eren's eyes? Why is he begging this feeling to stay?

Everlasting, endless, his world, his timeline, his future, it all lays out in front of him by way of darkened skies, cast in the shadows of the universe. Light, there is no light, no warmth, because it's all cloaked behind the safety of the curtains, glowing soft, unreachable, unseen at the edges of Levi's perception. Water wells at the corners of his vision, pools into tears that stream down his cheeks, so he closes his eyes to the blackened landscape, allowing the familiarity of the cold seep into the fabric of his coat, to weigh him down as the air shifts hard against him. And it presses, moves him in agitated waves, pulls him down until he's lost in the dark, down at the bottom of the water, sinking, drowning, alone.

It's been so long... so long since he last felt the anxiety crash against him, so long... but life still pours from his unworthy lips like water coughed up from burning lungs, breath spilling from his chest, deadened eyes on the darkness. The way his inexperience felt dampened in alcohol, the way it only helped to pull him beneath the surface, to blow every pocket of air from his lungs, to drench his clothes, his body, his heart in the cool water. It isn't lost on him, the way the lake seemed to suck him in, wrap comfort into his joints, pool tiredness into a woozy mind, immerse him in a tight heat. He didn't want to leave this world, but he deserved to... he deserved to leave it without another trace, erase another scar from its existence, but his tampered body, his ruined heart, it pushed to the surface with that first breath in, coughing and choking and searching for air, left him alone, washed up in the dirt on the shoreline, watching as the moon crept out from behind the overbearing clouds to shine against the tears in his eyes.

But this... this is different. Emerging from this means surviving without Eren, leaving him behind, moving on, but all he really wants is to drown in it, to succumb to the waves, or to swim up to Eren... the way he shines like the rays of light reaching deep into dark waters, refracting and twisting and catching his eye. Is he still alive? Is he still breathing here at the edge of Eren's porch? Tucking his knees to his chest, he sits on the cold cement, feels it ache into him as the world overcomes him. It's a stretching, craning soreness edged in by a held breath, a contained whimper that shakes like fingers at the center of his ribcage, slipping beneath the bone, the cartilage, holding on tight, pulling and stretching and racking a sob through his body. It's not that he didn't know this was going to happen. Is that worse? That he never really felt confident, that he never thought he could sustain this relationship for as long as he wanted to?

Stretching off into the yard, aching against the dark, shrouding him in a soft glow, the porch light turns on above his head. Wrapping tendrils of interrupted rays around his limbs, he's the one making the shadows, eclipsing Eren's light, that's how it's always been. And footsteps, they move beside him, down the step to the sidewalk, stopped in silence before his bent frame. Goodbyes. He doesn't want to say his goodbyes, but Eren won't leave it at that, he'll tie it up tight, give Levi the scolding he deserves. And Levi... Levi will only beg, plead with the younger man to be good without him, to never let go of the pieces of himself that make him gentle, that make him kind. Don't let go. Don't get too worn down. Could he promise Levi that? Please. For all the promises they've made, for all the time they missed out on, for the person he could've been, don't show him too much anger, don't break him any further... don't let him think he was ever worth this.

But don't forget about him.

If anything else, don't forget how much Levi cared.

When did that change? What is that alive inside him, burning him up from the inside out, setting his heart on fire? Is it the knowledge that he was right, that everyone was fucking right? Because he can fake it all he wants, he can claim his love all he wants, but he wasn't made for this. He wasn't made for Eren. That's the truth, isn't it? So why now... why, after all of this is over, does the realization anchor his heart in his gut, why, now, does he only want be remembered? Why, now, does he want his memory to remain intact behind the warmth in Eren's eyes? Why is he begging this feeling to stay?

Maybe if he sits here long enough the frost will coat the inside of his lungs, line his throat, halt this pathetic excuse for breathing. But the inside of his body is hot, scorching like embers jammed in every cavernous space of his chest, bubbling, boiling, melting away at the rebuilt structures until there's nothing left. He can't catch his breath, so he holds it tight in his chest, pulls himself together if only for a moment, if only for Eren, wiping these selfish tears that have fallen listlessly down his cheeks.

But it isn't Eren's ferocious green staring back at him, it isn't the smiling or scowling of dark pink lips, no. It's gentle amber, softened, low eyelids, a quiet turn in warm cheeks, the pull of that matching dimple. He won't even get to see the real thing, only the parts of Eren reflected in the best parts of his mother.

"I'll be gone as soon as I figure out how I'm going to get home." Home... that word doesn't seem to have any meaning anymore, so he runs it through his head another dozen times, lets it completely fall away from his grasp. There's nowhere for him to go, there are no vacancies at the nearest hotels, the closest uber is 30 minutes away, but what could he really expect on Christmas eve? "I'm sorry for overstepping... I'm sorry."

"Are you sorry for what you said, or how you said it?" Even, hard, her tone breaks through to his racing mind, moves a shiver through his body.

"How I said it." He doesn't want to look, doesn't want to see the disappointment in those eyebrows, doesn't want to see those lips pulled tight. But he turns his eyes up anyway, watches the calm move through her as she nods, watches her shift in discomfort as the wind blows against her back, pushing strands of hair over her shoulder. "I was out of line."

"That's what happens when you get close, what happens when you choose to be a part of a family of strong-willed people." But he's more apart from the family than he'll ever be a part of it, and it's no longer his choice, because the only person he's ever wanted, the only person he's ever needed this much, he's behind closed doors, hidden, locked away from Levi's heart. "My husband is a good father. He's always been here for his kids." See, he really doesn't understand the family dynamic at all, he doesn't understand what she's doing when she kneels down before him, squats at the bottom of the step so that their eyes are level. "But that doesn't mean he always sees eye to eye with them. Families argue, but they also forgive each other."

Not where he comes from, not with what he's been taught, layers of scars, repaired flesh, remodeled bones, these are the things his family left him, these are the things that let him think the opposite. If only that meant nothing, if only the blood of his relatives only ran through his veins, if only it hadn't resulted in red, stained skin.

"Doctor Jaeger will get over it. Honestly I think he'll get used to the idea pretty quick..." Pulling him back with her voice, drawing his eye line back to her, she reaches out to him, wrapping a gentle hand around his arm pulled tight against his leg. "Of someone fighting for Eren the way Eren does for everyone else."

But the warmth does not reach him, the soft touch of her fingers blocked out by the chill in his skin, the turn of her lips into that intoxicating smile, the familiarity of her face... none of that really matters, because these words aren't what he wants to hear. Don't let him feel important, don't let him feel forgiven, don't let him start to think that Eren can still find a place for him in his heart.

"Does Eren protect you like that?"

From the things too hard to face on his own, from the shadows that lurk at the back of his mind, wrap around his limbs, pull him down. Eren protects Levi from himself, helps him block out the voices of his past, the pain of his scars, the tug of his anxious heart. "Always." And he only brings Eren loneliness, only doubts his choices, pulls apart his confidence, he's only ever hurt the younger man with every move he makes. Even with the best intentions, even with the fondness and care in his chest, his words aimed to comfort and protect merely succeeded in hurting Eren. "I'm sorry."

"Levi..." How long had his eyes been turned away when grey finally falls back to meet her? How long is she going to keep him here with this throat tight, his body numb, his heart falling to shreds of disbelief. "I may be out of touch, but I know my son. You make him happy." Don't... don't let such undeserving ears believe this shit, don't let his careless, pointless heart ache in throbs against his ribcage, don't let her see this tear fall from his eye without warning. But she does, startling Levi with the movement of her hand, pausing for a second before swiping it away. "As long as you can do that for each other, you'll be fine."

But his chances have run out, the cold of the Earth seeping into his bones, the realization aching into his every thought. Remember... he can't remember anything beyond the tension in Eren's voice, can't remember anything aside from that broken crack. Will it eat away every memory of that voice fallen from honeyed lips? Will it let him forget every word from a whispered throat, every murmur of waking in the quiet mornings, every quiet hum that rattled through Eren's chest? Levi's name... will he only every remember the way it felt on his ears, disenchanted with every stupid, pointless thought in Levi's head? Will he only remember the way Eren called out to him before he left, the way it was followed by nothing else, no keeping of a promise, no begging to wait, no magnetism. The way Eren says his name... said his name, it used to be so gentle, so enrapturing, but why can't these unworthy ears remember the way it felt radiating through Eren's chest, the way it pulled him in with heavy hands, wrapped tight around his broken body, held him steady and solid and safe?

If only that, he wants to remember the only gentle voice to have ever graced that undeserving name with love, with happiness and familiarity and promise.

If only one thing, he wants to hear the way that voice aches only for him, the way it falls low and sweet and slow for Levi, he wants to hear it again, to hear it every day for the rest of his miserable life... a life beyond just being alive, a life beyond shadows and scars and spliced memories, a life handed back to him by outstretched fingers, by olive tinted palms and curved knuckles and warmed skin, by a gentle word and the shift of his weight on stable feet. "Levi..." That name, that unseemly, unmerited name, it doesn't sound so bad when it comes from someone with a heart so strong, someone with patience in his movements, hand held out, still and steady. "Ready?"

The decision has already been made, time and time again he's allowed himself to seep strength from this man, so why does it feel so hard to pull his hand from the stiffened space on his leg, why does it feel so hard to grab hold of that warmth, why does it feel so impossible to stand? But the other hand, the one holding the strap to his bag, it wraps around Levi's back, seeps some warmth into him, steadying him, grabbing his hand and not letting go.

Carla, she wraps her arms around Eren's neck, hums a little when his free hand presses between her shoulder blades. "I better see you before you head home."

He's saying goodbye and not letting go of Levi's hand, holding him there on unsure feet. "You will." And it doesn't feel real, it doesn't feel real as he takes his first step on wobbly legs. He doesn't deserve this, he doesn't deserve the way Eren's fingers are entwined with his, the way their palms fit together like they were made to, the way Carla wraps a gentle hug around his body, the way mother and son exchange a smile in the light of the porch.

"Have fun. Be safe." He knows he doesn't deserve it, but he still wants it, he still wants whatever is on the other end of this plan, so he turns as Eren does, begins to move toward the car in the shadow of the night, letting Eren lead him, tug him.

Pace quick, gait long, spread, Levi stumbles with each step behind Eren. Oh... how many weary steps does it take for the realization to sink into his gut? How many seconds of silence does it take for the reality to strike him cold, motionless, on the frosted grass? This isn't safety. This isn't the usual energy that Eren holds him with... this is, this is crippling and painful and familiar to rushing veins, to aching joints. This is... the same ferocity with which Farlan last touched him, the same cruel grip on disgraced, pale skin, and Levi knows what comes next, he knows it all too well, his body has been trained at it, bracing for impact with the nearest solid object.

It's only been a few days, only a few nights since that reflex was tested last, still practiced as Farlan cornered him with sharpened words and dull blue eyes, still intact as he expressed his disgust with their friends cheering him on during dinner. 

“Are you really all endorsing this?” Wasn’t Levi asking for it though? Wasn’t he aiming to shut Farlan up when he told Erwin he’d be meeting Eren’s family in lieu of attending their Christmas party? “Maybe you shouldn't do that. You're going to ruin him. He's so young.” Maybe that’s why he did it, just to hear his own thoughts spat back into his face… to hear his doubts laid out on the table in front of Hanji and Moblit, to let his fears be known to Erwin and Mike by way of Farlan’s mouth. “Why not let him believe in love for a little while longer, Levi?”

Maybe that’s why it hurt so much, maybe that’s why the words pierced into his skin and tore into his flesh. Maybe that’s why his hands pressed hard against the table, pushing himself from the chair and tossing his napkin to his plate, moving down the hall toward the front door. “Stop acting like I broke your heart.” Did he ever really have enough pull to break Eren's? “He's not like you, Farlan.”

Maybe he needed to hear it… because he was right from the beginning, his heart is dark and his tongue is poison and all Eren ever did was try to convince him that those parts of him can still be loved, that those parts of him can still be changed. “Yeah, he's a whole lot more fragile than me, and he's not going to put up with you for as long as I did.”

But he was whirled around on his heel, tugged back into the hall, thrown hard and fast against the wall, shaking the photo frames hung near his head, spinning a dizziness into his mind. He was so close, too close, standing there Levi's shirt is in his fist. Riled up, a fierce energy in his usually apathetic blues, he pressed a certain unease into everyone’s skin as he pressed Levi into the wall, that’s why Erwin was already there in the hallway to stop whatever had set into motion, ready to pull him away, waiting for Levi’s eyes to beg for help. But Levi couldn’t pull his eyes from Farlan’s, couldn’t give permission to pull him away, only one thought prevailing in his chest. If Farlan hit him it would all be over with, he wouldn’t have to feel guilty anymore.

Farlan's eyes only drifted down into the space between Levi’s chest and his shirt. “You're covered in bruises.” Bruises, bite marks, scratches from fingernails, evidence of the previous night with Eren bared on pale skin. “I think I understand why people treat you so roughly… you get this look on your face like you deserve it.” Finally, after all that time, the truth fell from his lips heavy and overbearing like Erwin’s hand on Farlan’s shoulder, pulling him away from Levi’s wilted frame. “You’re going to turn him into a monster too.”

It’s something he’s expected from day one, something carved into remodeled bones and fragile skin. He was only brought here to eat at Eren’s resolve, to prove Farlan right, to prove Kenny right. He never deserved a love like Eren’s, and now all he’s done is replace it with the menacing darkness of his heart, all he’s done is turn Eren away from his family, from himself, venomous at the end of Levi’s fingertips. And it’s all Levi’s fault. Maybe now he’ll get what he deserves, maybe now he’ll get the Eren that’s left after too many expectations, the one incapable of deciding his future, the one that Levi always expected to pin him down with tumultuous strength, to bear into him with that feral glare, the one Levi single-handedly put there with repeated rejection, repeated disregard for what his actions do to Eren.

Maybe he does deserve to be treated harshly after all of this. Maybe he's just going to see Levi off, toss him on a bus, throw him away, show him exactly how little he's worth. Maybe he'll treat him roughly too. He's really always deserved this, hasn't he? "Eren... Eren, wait." But Eren drags him a little further, not listening to Levi’s pleading, not looking, not loving, just tugging Levi gently forward, turning him and pressing his back into the icy cold of the car door. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry.” 

The words fall from his lips so easily, something he never gave Kenny the satisfaction of having, an honest apology, an honest fear. But Eren doesn’t push him harder, doesn’t grab at his clothes, doesn’t let it get out of hand, he just drops his suitcase to the ground, freeing his arms to cage Levi in a hug, burying his face in the junction of Levi’s shoulder as a shuddered breath escapes his chest. "Did you mean what you said?" What? What is he saying? “...about being a good writer… a good man?”

What is this shiver that moves through his body? Why is it brought on by the warmth of Eren’s breath against his neck? Why… why is Eren clinging so close to him, breathing against him, allowing his shirt to be pulled tight into Levi’s fists. "Yes. Of course I did."

"Then please, please don't apologize. I'm so happy." Happy? How could he be happy? How can he be pulling away just an inch, just enough to look down at Levi with a smile on pierced lips, how can he be wiping away these burning tears from icy cheeks. “You’re always taking a chance on me, always defending me, you… you make it feel like it’s okay for me to be me.” Because it is… there has never been someone more worthy of that feeling, because every bit of Eren, the bend of his spine, the tilt of his head, the reflection of the moon behind parted clouds in darkened eyes, it’s all perfect, it’s all so overwhelming, so dizzying. "What's going on in that thick skull of yours?" Shaking his head, Levi could never say that, could never admit his thoughts, his doubts. He’d rather let those words lodge between his lungs and his ribcage, he’d rather suffocate in this breaking cold, this icy wind, than let Eren know how readily he believed he’d be thrown away. "Don't run from me. On this too, just... don't run from me."

But he never wanted to run from Eren, he never wanted to hide these thoughts. The weight of Farlan’s words, the way they slashed into sinew, wove mistrust into his joints, it all weighs into Levi’s shoulders, bends him forward into Eren’s chest. He lied. He hid. He didn’t want Eren to know what happened that night… but was it to protect Eren, or to protect himself from these vehement thoughts, these poisoned words? Was it all done to keep these stormy breaths from escaping his chest? Was it all formulated to keep himself from falling any deeper into this man?

It honestly feels so impossible now, tugging at Eren’s shirt, feeling the material invade his every thought, letting the heat beneath the fabric ache into his fingertips, warm chilled bones. There is no more energy to let his breaths get ahead of him, no more energy at all, just the quiet and the whir of distant cars against pavement, just the soft breaths from Eren’s nose brushing in his hair. It’s so matter of fact, the way it falls from his lips, so clear, so obvious. "I can't be the one that makes you unable to love."

"I know what love is because of you." Eren's words are so quick, so sure… but it’s the other way around, isn’t it? Eren kissed life into doubtful lips, breathed heat onto forgotten skin, laid fingers like rays of light into shadowy muscles. 

And he doesn’t want to ruin that love, he doesn’t want to push it away with selfish words, doesn’t want to lose it due to his own carelessness, doesn’t want to let go of something for the first time in almost fifteen years. Can he beg for that? Can he let the words fall between him and Eren once again, ask for a little strength, a little stability? "But I don't want you to throw me away..." Fuck. His voice drops out from beneath him, caught as a hitched breath in a tightened throat. "Eren..." Why, why are these stupid, pointless tears still falling, still soaking into Eren's shirt? "Don't-" Nothing else escapes his throat, just the choked sound of a tightened breath as he holds Eren’s shirt in his fists, pulling fabric from skin as the younger man forces space between them.

"Levi..." Heavy, low, the timbre of his name echoes through his empty chest, reverberates through him with relentless energy, ceaseless light, untamed belief, and that voice remains paused, halted, patient as a tanned finger hooks beneath his chin, tipping his eyes up. "I meant it.” Gentle green comes through only in a glimmer, only in the passing glare of the slivered moon, but it’s enough. “I meant it when I said forever." It’s enough to spark a bit of warmth in Levi’s chest, heat in his reddened cheeks, releasing relief to flood his system. “I’ll keep saying it until you believe me.”

Certainty, undaunted belief, it aches through every bit of Eren’s face. Levi doesn’t need to look to see the way the assurance holds in raised eyebrows, the trust in an unwavering stare, shadowy green flitting over every inch of Levi’s face, the tilted pink of plump lips in a curious smile. And he wants it all for his own, wants it all to himself, despite the uncertainty in his heart, despite the erratic, ever-shifting disbelief in his worth, he wants this, wants Eren, wants those lips to take him over, take him in. “You’ll be reassuring me forever.”

“That sounds like heaven.” Dropped down to barely a whisper, barely a sound, Eren’s voice creeps into Levi’s body as shivers move through him, the touch of a thumb across the edge of Levi’s lip, the way Eren pulls his own tight and white between his teeth. “Let’s get in the car, you’re freezing.” But it’s too rushed, too hurried for the gravity of Eren’s hand on his face, so Levi holds tight, tugging Eren in, letting the exhaustion, the heat, the cold, wash over him as the younger man leans in, replacing the weight of his thumb with the press of his mouth, the parting of his lips, the slick warmth of his tongue, the dizzying, stabilizing movement of those hands. And he wants more, wants reassurance in the consumption of his body, in the collapse of his limbs at the end of Eren’s touch, in the disintegration of this entire memory in his head by way of wearing him out completely. 

But it will have to wait, to simmer at the back of his mind, because Eren finally pulls away, finally releases Levi’s weary form against the car, finally gasping for air. It will have to wait, because the weight of Levi’s bag cuts into the flesh of his shoulder, moving him to lay his belongings into the back seat with haste, easing himself into the front seat, relaxing as much as he can with a body stiffened by the cold. It will have to wait, because Eren’s lips are pulled tight with worry, pulling the blanket from home onto Levi’s lap tucking it around unmoving limbs. How long has he been shaking like that, how long have these shivers hid at the edges of his attention? “I’m sorry for keeping you out there so long.” It will have to wait, because he can’t think of anything else, just the burning cold at every corner of his body, just the lack of destination at the other end of this car ride. They won’t make it the five hours back home, won’t find a place to stay nearby, and it’s Levi’s fault, it’s his stupid mouth that got them into this mess. And how could he ever open his mouth to apologize when he can’t even ask Eren where they’re going, when he can’t even open his eyes to watch the street signs pass in the glare of the headlights?

How long does he let his body sway with the swerve of the car, how long until the heat begins to return to his frigid bones, how long until they slow to a stop in a quiet driveway? How long until Levi is faced with the jittery undertaking of his apprehension? Because the uncertainty gracefully unfolds in fingers up his spine, stretching into worn muscle and aching into frayed nerves, as the gaze of tired grey falls beyond the window. Wooden cabins and scattered pines line the frosted ground, bathed only in the soft light seeping from behind the curtains and the bright white of the passing moon. “Ready?” Levi only forces a soft hum from his chest, he isn’t ready, he has no bearings, he has no idea what he’s walking into here, no idea who he’s going to have to deal with inside. “I know it just started to warm up…” 

Selfish. The word runs through his head until it loses meaning, until he recognizes the feeling in his gut, the clawing and craning and aching for more even after he ruined dinner and stormed out, even after he disappointed Eren's mother and disrespected his father, even after forcing Eren to leave, all he wants is more. He is selfish and driven by desire while Eren is motivated by concern for his comfort, so he falls into gentle green, lets himself be consumed by it. As long as they can sleep together, as long as they can share a bed, he’ll be okay, right? Is that too much to ask? To be able to hold Eren while he sleeps, to be under the weight of tanned arms, to feel the movement of a full chest in the throes of sleep, to have someone to hold onto when he wakes from the inevitable dream of Eren slipping away. It’s still selfish. It’s greedy and pointless, because he’s lucky he still has this chance, he shouldn’t test Eren’s persistence any further, he shouldn’t… 

“But I promise I'll thaw you out when we get in there.” What? Falling from a softened gaze, needy eyes drift past a tightly pulled smirk, one painted on dark pink lips, one punctuated with an almost unnoticed swipe of his tongue, taking in the keycard poised between Eren’s fingers. Tight with the realization, he swallows hard, quelling the electricity dancing beneath his skin, maybe that’s not what Eren has in mind, maybe he should keep his expectations in check, but this is a hotel key to a fancy fucking cabin. “Unless, of course, you're too tired.” And one eyebrow raises over searing green, goading him, allowing the bit of hope lurking in his gut to churn and spark and awaken.

“Don't fuck with me.” There’s no telling if the nervousness shows through his face as he pulls the keycard from Eren's fingertips, no telling if the redness of his cheeks is marking his arousal or just present from the wind that nipped him raw and cold. There’s no telling if he’ll be able to retain this composure as that laugh bubbles from Eren’s throat, warm and comfort and home all in one, no telling if he’ll be able to calm this heavy beating in his chest as he moves from the car, wrapping the blanket from Eren’s bed around his shoulders and grabbing his bag from the back seat. And he moves up the walkway with hands full, with dozens of thoughts moving through his head, pausing at the door with the card in hand, pleading with himself to not expect solitude, but wanting it all the same. 

And there is no time to wait, no time to contemplate the movement of the begging or the pleading in his mind, because Eren’s hands are occupied with luggage and colored bags and the rustle of grocery bags. There’s no time to wait, so he slides the card, pulling at the handle when the light turns green, and taking the first step into a darkened room before locating the lightswitch. Spreading out before him, reaching across the distance of the little cabin, the light moves from all corners of the room, the lamps at the bedside table, the fixture above the kitchen table. It all stretches across the navy blue bedspread tucked and folded to his right, illuminates the walls lined in rich wood and slated stone, the fireplace etched into the wall across the room, the full kitchen with matching table, the two cushioned chairs on either side of the mantle. “Eren…” What the hell is he thinking? Beyond the closet to the left, tucked behind tall double doors, sits a bathtub laid deep into stone, ready to be lit up by the twisted metal chandelier poised above it. Halted in his spot, turning back toward the rest of the cabin, he watches as Eren leaves bags on the table, tossing his suitcase to the bed, crossing the room.

“Before you say anything, this was my plan all along, I just wanted it to be a surprise to you.” There’s not much else he can do, there’s nowhere else for them to go, and Eren already paid for it. But this is...it’s too much. And Eren relieves him of his luggage, leaving him with only the blanket wrapped around his shoulders. “My birthday gift to you.” Oh… oh. He can’t accept this, can he? He doesn’t deserve this. So why is this excitement churning in his gut? Why is this giddiness raising the beat of his heart to unfathomable speeds? “Do you like it?”

It's too much, it's too involved. It’s beautiful and clean and tidy, already warm and cozy compared to the chill of the outside air. And it’s from Eren, a night alone, a night away with the man standing before him. “It’s… for me?” Clearing his throat, loosening his grip on the soft threads of the blanket, he wants to relax into the space, to relax into Eren’s arms, to let the warmth consume him, and that’s half the battle.

“I did plan on spending some alone time with you this weekend.” When did he get so close? When did those fingers take hold of the blanket? Creeping closer, edging in on creaking hardwood, Eren tugs at Levi, only slightly, only an inch, enough to move the older man from his frozen position, his disbelief. And Eren presses his forehead to Levi’s, burning, lacing heat into forgotten skin, whispering words against pale pink lips. “Forgive me.”

Forgiveness… forgiveness for what? For choosing Levi again and again? For repeatedly reaching for Levi with that inexhaustible energy? For bringing warmth to cold lips, melting frost from pale white? “For what?”

“For letting you think I’d ever throw you away.” So close, scaly greens flex in a blurry movement, just out of focus at the end of Levi’s gaze. “Now let’s get you warmed up.” But his cheeks are already on fire as Eren takes his free hand and leads him over to the fireplace, dragging the extra comforter from the bed and laying it out on the floor. His fingertips and toes are already in the uncomfortable burn, waking from a dead cold as Eren twists the knob to the gas fireplace and lets the warm light illuminate the room. But he honestly wouldn’t mind burning up completely as Eren turns off the overhead lights, only the soft glow of the fire and the lamp by the bed in the darkened room, he honestly wouldn’t mind seeping and melting into Eren’s voice as he nears again, kneeling before Levi’s cross-legged frame. “Hanji sent something with me for you.” 

Shaking his head, his eyes fall to the tightly wrapped box that Eren sets on the blanket between them. Why the two of them are making such a fuss over this is lost on him, but he pulls the box into his lap anyway, slipping his finger beneath the plain brown paper, pulling the tape back and admiring the tight corners that were no doubt folded and wrapped by Moblit’s gentle hands in place of Hanji’s brutish impatience. And he might deny it if he didn’t already know what it is, might force her to take it back, but he slips the matte mahogany box from the paper, running the ridges of his thumb against the printed words, quelling the twinge of excitement in his gut. Looking up with raised eyebrows, Eren awaits the verdict, trying to peek at the words beneath Levi’s hands. “Are there glasses?” 

Already moving toward the kitchen, Eren returns to the opened box, the striated bottle grasped in Levi’s palm, plastic torn and cork pulled. “No ice.” Eren tries to hide the worry in his gaze, setting the two glasses gently down, but Levi can see it move through his eyes. 

Hopefully he can stifle that worry, hopefully this will break the remaining anxiety from his heart. “No ice needed.” The bottle is already cold in his hand, foggy with forming condensation, from being in the trunk of Eren’s car. Levi pours them each half a glass, handing the younger man his portion of the amber liquid. “This is my favorite whisky, imported from Japan and way too expensive to justify buying.” This amount could last him weeks of savoring, or one bad night, but sharing it with Eren now will be far more enjoyable, letting him in on this little secret… even the thought makes his stomach churn with an excitement he doesn't understand. “But Hanji always gets it for me anyway.” Eren watches with a quiet fondness in his eyes as they clink their glasses, and greedy grey watches Eren’s every move, waiting to drink until he sees the younger man’s reaction. 

It’s one that stalls Levi with the glass at his lips, no bite, no wince, just the noise of Eren’s throat as he swallows, just the movement of his plump, pink lips as he wipes the edges of his mouth with his thumb. “That’s… dangerous.” But it isn’t the smooth liquid that’s dangerous, not the sweetened scent or the long finish on Eren’s tongue, no… it’s the lick of Eren’s lips, the heavy lidded look in his eyes, the second sip in Eren’s mouth as Levi takes his first. There’s danger in the ease with which Levi lets it warm up his entire system, danger in the promise at the bottom of this bottle, one of heat and passion and pleasure. This is the first time he’s drinking it for something good, not trying to drown himself out, no, he’s trying to set himself on fire, to set them both on fire, so he watches with a smirk as Eren shivers as it works into his stomach. 

They sit in silence beside the quiet burn of the fire, watch with heated looks over refilled glasses, both taking off the weight of their coats and tossing them aside. And the deep amber works its way through his body, clinging heat to covered skin and a gentle caramel taste to his tongue, but uncertainty still tugs at his heart, still aches to drag it down into his stomach. It wouldn’t be so bad if Levi could just open up, could just release his feelings into the air, could drop these hasty worries from a needy mouth and pray for a confident word and a gentle smile in return. “So…” Looking up at the sound of Levi’s voice, Eren’s eyebrows arch over shining green, looking out at Levi from his slouched position against the armchair behind him. “You didn’t get this hotel room because you knew I was going to fuck up this weekend?”

What will fill his flushed cheeks? Anger? Disappointment? But Eren only leans further back, tipping his head onto the seat of the chair, looking up at the ceiling as he stretches his legs out to the right of Levi’s body. A quiet laugh in the form of a short breath from his nose, a gentle word from too far away. “You didn't fuck up. You made it through dinner, you impressed Mikasa, you made my dad stop talking and actually think about what he's saying.” The tilt of his head as he draws his gaze back down to Levi, the deep brown strands that fall into his face, the soft smile perched on dark pink, it all makes Levi want to let the words sink into his ears, to convince him for once to just believe. “And you made me happy in the process.” After it all comes down, after everything, that’s the most important part, that he’s still got Eren by his side, that he can still stay with this warmth, this joy, this love. “There's only one thing you did wrong.”

He might get worked up, the pressure of his blood raising in his veins, but the smile on Eren’s face helps the calm remain in his heart, because there will be no scolding from those lips, the buzzing energy of the alcohol makes him sure of it. “Yeah?”

“You said you wanted me to end up with someone nicer than you.” Sitting up and leaning closer to Levi, fiery greens move like flames against his skin, igniting the tightness in Levi's throat. “But you're the sweetest, most caring person I've ever been with.”

“I don’t want you with anyone else.” He was wrong. He’s never been so wrong… because he wants nothing more than for Eren to end up with him, nothing more than to spend the rest of his days making himself worthy of this attention. “I want to be better for you.” And he takes another sip in the warmth of Eren's tamed smile, thanking the alcohol for releasing the hold on his tongue.

“You sure you won’t get bored of me?” And his gaze falls to the side, meeting the cup in his hand as he finishes off his drink. “You won’t stop finding my indecision youthful and sexy?” Lips mirroring his father's words, that half lidded gaze turns back to Levi, punctuated with a hard swallow, a gentle smirk.

And they're both searching for something in the space between them, a truth, a spark, so Levi finishes his glass too, setting it just out of reach. “Indecision is your sexiest quality.” And he matches the smirk, imitates the pull of Eren's lips, the raised eyebrow, holding it until Eren breaks, letting a laugh bubble from his chest. But it's the smile that comes after, the guard that falls as dark pink curves up, the gentleness in flexing green that makes the weight of the truth just heavy enough to fall between them. “No… really, you’re dependable and steadfast and noisy, and I love you.” Letting his hand fall from his lap, he rests it against Eren’s knee, too distracted by the warmth to notice the click of Eren's tongue.

“I’m noisy?” Quick, a long, tanned finger points toward Eren's chest, the height of his voice matching the arch of his eyebrows. “You’re the noisy one!” And a hand falls to Levi's knee, poised to hold the bent position of his crossed legs.

“I’ve never once been described as noisy.” It's a lie, he's been called noisy plenty of times by the man before him, quiet until he's got a little alcohol in his system, until he's pinned beneath the covers in the early morning trying to keep his voice low as Armin is getting up for school, until he’s riled up just a little too far.

“You… are the noisy one.” And Eren knows it all too well, spreading out his fingers with a little force, Eren forcing a squirm through Levis body, tracing up the ticklish skin at the inside of his thigh with one hand and jabbing, prodding, tickling into his side with the other. “I’ll prove it to you.” That’s all he wants, so he fights at the hands that tickle him, driving his fingers up Eren’s thighs to incite matching laughter, holding off the attempts to stop the movement. They both fall to a silence as Levi leans over, resting his head into Eren’s lap as the breaths heave from his chest. Teasing, tingling, tanned fingertips brush black hairs from Levi's face, leaving the beginnings of goosebumps on fevered skin. “Are you warmed up now?”

Nodding against Eren's hand, brushing against the heavy heat, his voice moves as a croak from his throat. “Too hot.” When did this warmth start its unhurried undertaking of the world beneath his skin? When did his blood begin to force this tangible, scalding energy to awaken at the end of Eren's touch? The surprise shouldn't creep up on him so suddenly, it shouldn't catch him off guard how easily he forgets the pain of the last few hours in exchange for the unbridled touch of his lover, but it does. Levi never thought he'd get to speak to Eren again, let alone be able to remain at his side, so he’ll give into this heat, lose himself in this dreamlike state as Eren’s hand lays upon his chest.

“Let me help…” Swift fingertips work the buttons open on Levi’s shirt, following an electric gaze from dilated green. It shouldn’t feel this good, shouldn’t tingle shivers against his skin, but it's nothing new, not for them. They've always moved like wildfire against each other, the spark in Eren’s touch, the ignition in a starving gaze, the kindling in Levi’s bones, the heat of their heaving breaths to fan the flames. Idle beneath Eren’s touch, focused on the way it wakes every inch of his skin, he lets the blaze in his heart devour his inhibition and the alcohol in his stomach burn holes through his restraint as Eren peels back Levi’s shirt. “Why do you wear so much clothing?”

Because it’s cold, because he wants to cover as much of his scarred skin as possible. “Because you like taking it off me.” Regret tinges on his tongue, if only for a moment… maybe the tshirt layered in a crisp button down and a soft sweater was a little much, but the determined look in Eren’s eyes make it worth it.

“Too much.” And a frustrated growl moves through Eren’s chest as he slips his hand under Levi’s undershirt, drawing long fingers against restless flesh. That’s right, he’s restless, he’s made up of an anxious heart, a hurried breath, an unruly neediness that’s slowly overcome every aspect of this relationship. But this time it doesn’t come as an irresolute lust, a nervous need, an unsettled thought that drives him to drown himself out in Eren’s touch… no this is different. It’s so strange, the way it rises within him, the quiet undertaking… what he’s been searching for, asking for, begging for all this time. He only wants to be worn out, to accept the longevity of his feelings, to touch and fuck and love through the doubt, until his thoughts are too far from his head, until Farlan’s words are too quiet beneath the sounds of his relieved gasps and fulfilled desires.

And why are Farlan’s thoughts so close to him now, why does he have to invade this moment with Eren’s eyes burning intent into the pale skin of Levi’s abdomen? Why do Farlan's words ring so loud in his head at a time like this? That’s why people treat him roughly… because of the look on his face, the one begging someone to pull him, bend him, break him, is that it?

Because love is… love is violent. It's unwarranted hands lain on a quivering chest, digging into rippled flesh and penetrable frame, unable to be denied, unable to stop whether it's wanted or not. It breaks in with swift fingertips and intense pressure, rearranging the body with uncontrolled heartbeats, destructive, twisting of organs, and ardent, inexplicable thoughts, needs, desires rising up into the throat. It is the impetus of dry mouth and a hand on an already tight airway, a vehement push from deep inside, somewhere laced in kindling and gunpowder, striking the head of a match with the unmatched force, setting and sending an unstoppable heat beneath reddened flesh. It’s a fighting struggle, a roughness between reason and passion, a frenzy between control and abandon, a push and pull between bodies and hearts and lips. 

It’s violent, the fall. Wind harsh against pale skin, turbulence rough against brittle joints and splintery bones. It’s unnerving, so just this once, just for now, just in Eren’s arms, he wants to be burned in heat and drown in lust and tugged over the edge, he only wants to be treated gently, to be loved and laid and lured into the dark… to be wrapped up in the forever that keeps falling from dark pink lips.

So he clears his throat, aims for what he wants, aims for the frustrated whines that will undoubtedly creep from their chests, for the skin marked in sweat and spit, for the aching of tired bodies and the silent pull of an exhausted sleep. “I seem to recall you saying you'd keep me up all right.” Turning his eyes up with a smirk, moving his attention up from Levi’s naked abdomen, Eren draws trained fingertips across Levi’s nipples to solidify the need in his body. “You can take it slow.” He should take his time… take his time in breaking Levi in, making marks that fit only his teeth, his nails, his grip, claiming indented flesh and retraining muscle, disciplining joints, and rewriting a practiced, proficient mind, heart, body, one good enough to accept this, accept Eren once and for all. 

“You're going to regret saying that halfway through.” 

Lifting up with his hands pressed into the floor beneath them, he scoots himself back until his hips are pressed at the side of Eren’s thigh, poised with his back hovering over the younger man’s lap. “I won’t...” And Eren wraps his left arm across his shoulders, holding his weight, letting Levi sink into him. Lips… perfect, pierced, dark pink lips, they’re so close, so intoxicating, dampened and bitten and his to take, and the warmth from the alcohol moves him now, pushes him to wrap his arms around Eren’s neck, to speak against those lips, to reaffirm his place in these arms. “Give me all of you.” Eyes meeting for only a split second, only an impossible, heated glance, their lips fall into place, gently fitting into one another for a long moment, and then crashing together, spreading for demanding tongues laced with desire and the sweet tinge of whisky.

They don’t stop, don’t come up for air until Eren’s fingers trace down, focused on unbuckling and unbuttoning and unhinging a gasp from Levi’s mouth as he slips a hand in, feeling Levi’s cock through his underwear. Eren, he slows the pace, ready to test the theory, ready to tease and torture Levi with every tantalizing movement of his fingers, every stunted hitch of his breath. “And what if I’ve already given you all of me?”

“Give me more.” It might be contradictory… to want it gentle, to want to be loved and burned to the ground, to be left barren in ashes and smolders, to let himself breathe in blackened smoke and suffocate in the heat. It doesn't really matter. As long as it's Eren, he knows he'll be nurtured back to health, torn apart and put back together, left in embers to be reignited another day. As long as it's Eren, he'll take it all. And he finds himself sucking and licking at Eren's neck as the younger man's fingertips skirt the hem of his underwear, begging to dive in as goosebumps form on skin reddened and hot to the touch. 

“It’s all yours… I’m all yours.” Eren's voice is in his ear, gravelly and thick laced with a need too deep to understand, too layered to unpack, he just does as he's told, slave to the timbre of Eren's voice, the way it rattles through his chest, reverberates deep into Levi's head. “Lift up.” And he pulls at Levi’s pants, slips them off his ass, leaving evidence of pressure from dull fingernails, pushing the fabric down around Levi's knees, lets the older man kick them off in a lazy huff. Why is it that Eren is so calm? Levi wants him frustrated, worn out and needy, wants their longing to match, for that unbridled energy to be burned up, released on a lithe body and pale skin. So he digs his teeth into the flesh of Eren’s neck, kneading the skin purple until a gasp is released from Eren’s lips and tanned fingers are wrapped up into thick black hair, pulling Levi’s attention away from his neck and into his mouth.

And Levi gives himself into it, every breath between swollen lips, every movement in the dancing of their tongues, every long, teasing, tantalizing stroke of Eren’s hand over Levi’s cock, the swipe of his thumb over the sensitive head forcing a shiver up the older man’s spine. It’s all too intoxicating, too overwhelming, as Eren pulls away all at once, bringing tanned fingertips to dark pink lips, parting them to his tongue before delving them deep into his mouth, watching, waiting, staring into Levi with lowered eyebrows and feral eyes. And he can't stop the moan that escapes his throat, can't fucking think straight, dizzy eyes focusing in on the trail of spit that stretches from Eren’s fingers as he pulls away. “Nnn-ah.”

And the smirk on Eren's face when the moan reaches his ears, the look in his eyes, the flexing, dilating, scheming green, it translates into every movement of Eren's body, the tilt in his head, the focus in his gaze, the dip and draw of the tip of his fingers marking lines of saliva up Levi's thigh. It's the bated breath behind bitten lips, the folds of fabric bunched at Eren's elbows, it's prominent muscles that stand out with the angle of his arm and sweat beginning to form in the valleys of skin. It's the tone of their skin in the warm light of the fire, Eren’s arm rich and warm outlined by pale white thighs and bent knees. It’s disheveled, deep brown that falls in Eren's face, the proximity of their bodies, the lick of his lips. 

And he can feel every last movement, the way his muscles tense at the touch, bracing himself through shivers as Eren burns his fingerprints into the memory of Levi's flesh, slick fingers worrying spit over his entrance, pressing in, the hitch in his breath at the spreading and stretching of Eren's fingers working circular motions into his molten body. “Hmm... It's been too long.” Fraught with need, sticky and heavy with want and pressure and belonging, Eren’s voice moves through him, into him, running rapid in his veins and aching through his bones.

Breathing him in, tucking his face into the bridge of Eren’s shoulder, he tugs the collar of his shirt between his fingers… and he relaxes into Eren's touch, ignoring the ache in his arms from the awkward position he holds against the younger man's neck, focused only on the fingers buried deep inside, indulging Levi’s held back desires at the end of Eren’s ravenous touch. Eyes closed, lip pulled white between his teeth, a gentle noise moves hungry and low in Eren’s chest, growing, engulfing the space between them at the turn of his wrist, the impact of his fingers that breaks down Levi’s withering composure. “Ah!” And instead of pulling away, instead of coming back in harder, he turns his wrist, resting a crippling pressure, coaxing a staggering breath, a hungry word. “F-fuck…” But it’s more than that as he tugs at Eren’s collar, more than that as he holds off another escaped moan with the parting of Eren’s lips… he already wants to beg, to get Eren out of those stupid clothes, to set himself on fire with the heat of Eren’s touch, the warmth of their bodies fighting against each other, searching for a pleasure that will only nourish his needy heart.

But he doesn’t have to beg, doesn’t have to plead when Eren pulls away… there is nothing but a jarring appetite in dilated green, one that dances with a desire to satisfy in the flexing of his irises as they’re consumed in black. “Don’t move.” Slipping away, Levi obliges the tight energy of Eren’s voice, only managing to pull the sweater and button up from his shoulders by the time Eren hurriedly returns, tossing the lube and condoms to the blanket beside Levi, throat tight as he takes in the view of Levi watching him, poised on the blanket with just his white tshirt fisted between his fingers, peeling it from his back and tossing it to Eren’s feet. And needy eyes take in the sight, watching the way dark pink is pulled between Eren’s teeth, the way his black tshirt lifts up a little when Eren pulls off his hoodie, the way it reveals the skin of his abdomen, tight and tan around valleys of muscle, bisected by dark brown hairs that reach up to his belly button, the way Eren’s belt is unbuckled and his pants unzipped, the way the outline of his cock is all too visible beneath the flashy blue fabric of his underwear… the way Eren slides his pants off, dropping them to the floor and stepping from the crumpled fabric, the tight muscles of his thighs, the soft, thick hair of his legs, it’s all too much, because Levi wants to touch and kiss and memorize every inch of that body, to feel every dip and curve beneath his fingertips, to taste the sweat from his skin and the whisky from his tongue. 

But it will have to wait, there are more pressing matters at hand, like the way Eren bends to his knees, erasing the space, the distance, the air between them, holding his jaw tight, his green gazed locked, teasing Levi with his every move as he inches closer. Heavy, hot, Eren grabs hold of Levi's shoulder, directing him with a movement, a faint growl, getting Levi to a position with his chest flat in the blanket, his hips cocked and left knee bent up to the side. It isn't rough, no, it's a touch laced with intention, coupled with gentle fingertips and a heavy handed need. Intoxicating, a giddiness creeps up Levi's chest as Eren hovers over him, a dizzying, bubbling need as lips, pierced and pink, leave spotted wet marks over Levi's skin, hot behind his ear, across his shoulder. Tongue drawing shivers down the edges of his spine, goosebumps into his hairline, the tingle of Eren's breath against pale skin, moving back up, the soft ache of a groan against his ear as fingertips paint red marks down Levi's arm, up his back, wrapping around his waist, brushing against Levi’s hardened cock and begging soft moans from his chest. Stifling the sounds, holding them back, his face is flush with blood and flooded with too much need to be embarrassed, looking over his shoulder so their eyes can meet through stray hairs of brown and black, half lidded, heavy with lust, wild and unruly with untapped energy.

And then the hands start, meaningful, pressured touches, rubbing at Levi's back, his hips, heat and relaxation in overworked skin and previously tense muscles. It's a long movement up with fingers spread wide enough to reach across the entire expanse of his shoulders, a pressing, dragging heat at the end of dull fingernails, and a soothing warmth soaking into eager flesh.  
It’s a hard hold of weighty fingers digging into Levi's ass cheek, squeezing tight enough to send tension through Levi’s body, releasing his hold and letting the blood go back to it in a soft wave of relaxation through poised muscles. Dizzy, dazed, the heavy, repeated panting of his breaths against the blanket move hot and hazy through his mind… is that what makes him turn to watch over his shoulder? Is that what begs him to keep watching as firm fingers spread his ass cheeks apart, to keep looking as Eren pops the cap to the lube? Simultaneous, the feelings move through him, the heated look from focused green running hot blush beneath his skin, the jarring cold of the lube being poured drop by drop straight between his cheeks, the shiver it forces up his spine. “Ahh-fuck.” 

A soft laugh emanates from Eren's chest, but there is no looking away now… no turning from the actions of the man behind him, the slide of his thumb up against Levi’s hole, pressing the lube in, the staggering look in his eyes as he reaches for something out of Levi’s vision, the white of his teeth against the wrapper of the condom, and the quick movement of a tense hand to tear it open. And a string of profanity falls just behind Levi’s lips, balances on his tongue, held back only by the jaunt of Eren’s body as he moves in, the angles of his arms holding him steady, the rigid cock in his hand, the white of his lip bitten tight between his teeth… the fever in a voice that moves through Levi’s every nerve ending. “I want you, Levi.”

“Mmm… I want you.” It’s so understated, so softened as it leaves Levi’s mouth, but it’s all he can manage, all he can think as Eren rubs the head of his cock down Levi’s ass, slick and hard against the lube, thrusting up between plump ass cheeks. Poising his arms beneath him, grabbing hold of the blanket in his fists, he prepares to be taken, opening his hips, begging with every inch of his body for Eren to just bury himself inside, to rip away any last doubts with his movements.

“What do you want me to do?” Though he knows full well, knows enough to press the head of his cock at Levi’s entrance, pressing his hand against Levi to keep him from lurching back.

Pleading, he wants Levi’s full attention, his full desire, so much that it comes spilling from his lips, aching from his tongue, so he gives himself to it, muffled by the blanket as his needy voice reverberates through his chest. “I want you inside m-” That’s all it takes, all he has as his breath hitches in his throat and Eren thrusts slowly, unrelenting until he’s completely buried in Levi’s ass. “Me… Nnngh.” Quick, shallow, Levi’s breaths move from his chest, the rapid pulse moving through his body as they settle into each other.

Unmoving, paused with his hands at either side of Levi’s hips, Eren’s voice moves strained from his throat. “You okay?” Comforting… the words, the way they labor from Eren’s lips… at least he’s not the only one at the end of his patience. 

“Yes… fuck, just-” At least he’s not the only one losing his grip on the threads of his composure. “All of you… give me all of you.” It’s so breathy and needy and embarrassing, but there’s no time to care, no time to second guess as Eren readjusts their bodies, putting his knees between Levi's and pulling him up on all fours with hands tight at his hips. No time… because Eren will oblige every request, will position Levi’s body as he drags the blanket in his fists, will satiate the famine in Levi’s heart and ease the neediness, if only for now, if only for a little while, promising to repeat these actions again and again until Levi is satisfied.

Slow, sensitive, pressured palms and nimble fingers move against Levi’s back, rubbing the muscles on either side of his spine, relaxing his every tension, fucking him slowly, meticulously, making Levi’s arms and legs shake beneath his weight as he presses into the floor with his palms, his knees, elbows buckling beneath him. “Stay up.” And he obeys Eren’s voice, shivers crawling up his spine with each draw of Eren’s fingers down the muscles of his back, combatant only to the slow, deep thrusts of Eren’s cock coaxing hot blush to overtake his body, to bring sweat to his skin, heat to his face. And Eren buries himself completely in Levi’s ass, pressing deep inside of him again and again. Every sound that seeps from Levi’s mouth is utterly and completely accidental, every grunt and groan slipping from his chest as Eren moves only inches, only millimeters, slow… tantalizingly slow, and Levi could beg, could cry out to be fucked hard and fast until he can’t stand… but fuck. This is… this is so much better. The tease in the ridges of Eren’s fingerprints, the aching, seeping heat that sticks black hair to his forehead. This is… utterly and entirely fucking intoxicating, because no one would ever do this. No one else would take this amount of time, this amount of measure to dismantle him minute by minute, to disassemble his complete will, his body, his everything.

And Eren presses relentlessly into him, hard, slow, meeting his prostate with the swollen head of his cock, breaking the first words from Levi’s clenched teeth since they began. “Oh, god.” It breaks from him in a breathy whisper, an unmistakable whine as Eren inches his knees closer, breaking more space between them, rubbing and pressing and unrelenting as he only thrusts further against that spot, calm and collected and fucking infuriating. “Fuck…” How does he do that? “Ah… fuck!” And he could cum like this, he could cum without even touching his cock, could let these heaving breaths carry him into this movement of pleasure. “Eren…” The name aches from his body, a heated, fractured moan. It’s a dull pain, a sharp tremble, a crack, but no words escape his mouth as Eren continues rubbing, washing hands like waves over the skin of his back, forcing shivers and tremors through him, goosebumps along his skin. 

He might actually catch on fire this time. He might actually melt from the inside out. He might actually lose all inhibition, all reasoning, and let himself fall. Really fall. Might let himself need and love and care with every cell in his worthless body, every thought in his aching head, he might let himself fall. It’s terrifying and liberating as the weight is alleviated from his chest, as the world releases the hands of reason from his throat, letting him breathe, letting him really fucking breathe, allowing the oxygen to overload his mind, bring a dizzying heat to his cheeks, falling to his elbows on weakened arms. 

What the fuck is happening? He already knew this, already gave in to this, already accepted the tingle of tanned hands, already promised himself to the heart with green tinted eyes, stained glass pinks, he’s already given himself to it, hasn’t he? Then what… what the fuck is this? He’s never known a love like this, never understood a love like this, but here he is anyway, dripping sweat from overloaded pores, poised on overworked limbs, willing and waiting for the entire illusion to just shatter before him. 

But it doesn’t. The world is so rightfully intact, so firm in the wooden floor beneath his fingertips, so he presses back against it, reaffirms his position on this rotating, revolving planet if only for a moment, if only for a second, panting and begging and aching for this feeling to stay, to seep into his entire being, to make itself part of him, to continue shaking in his joints, reverberating through a cemented heart, echoing through a cavernous chest, cracking from him in uncontrolled groans, unbridled shaking and shivering at the end of Eren’s touch. 

“Stay up on your hands.” And his body can do nothing but obey as he is lifted by the chest, left with bruising fingers, he’ll do anything as long as Eren doesn’t stop, as long as Eren doesn’t pull away. “Can you do that for me?” He can, but he can’t answer, there are no words in his head, no way to affirm his control, no way to halt the moan that aches from his throat as Eren snakes his arm around levi’s shoulder, wrapping his fingers into thick black and pulling him up into a tight hold, dancing breaths and words and fingertips against dampened skin. “Just a little bit longer.” It makes it hard to swallow, hard to focus, hard to hold on as those plump lips press soft kisses into his shoulder, his neck, that wet tongue drawing against salty sweat before letting Levi back down to the floor, leaving him to his own strength.

And Levi is in limbo, the air aching from his chest, the edges blurring in his vision. His lips hang heavy, open, aching around his uncontrolled thoughts, his unstoppable groans. Every tiny movement, every adjustment, every swipe of Eren’s hand, it drags him further off of the edge, pulls him tighter and closer and louder as Eren lets those hands slide to Levi’s hips, wrapping them tightly in his grip, pressing bruises into Levi’s skin and pulling his cock almost all the way out, taking a breath with just the head inside of him and losing all the air in his lungs as Eren thrusts back in.

“Ah!” Again and again, fucking his entire force into Levi. “Nnn… Eren!” And a drop of sweat falls from his face, splattering on the wood floor as he presses his hands into the earth, forces himself back into Eren’s thrusts, rocking into the waves of pleasure that dare to take him over. “Nnn...ah!” And his body clenches, muscles tighten, fingers drawing the blankets into his fists without warning, without reason. “Hahh…” And his entire body slips from his control, squeezing around Eren’s thrusts, thanking Eren for letting him fall to his elbows in a second of weakness, a second of ecstasy. 

Yeah… this is bad. This is… bad, isn’t it? To realize it now, to give into it in this moment, because Eren already had him, Eren already had him right where he wanted him, and now? Now there’s no turning back. Is it obvious? Is it clear in the groans that continue to drip from his lips? Biting down into the flesh of his forearm, begging to stifle the proof, hoping to hold it back just a moment longer, he moves and throbs around Eren, barely breathing in the heat of their fire, the heat of their touch. There’s no doubt in his mind that Eren will be able to tell the moment he looks into intoxicated grey, the moment their lips meet.

And that moment might come too soon, too quickly as Eren pulls out, coaxing him to turn on his back, repositioning him with his legs tangled against the younger man’s body, wrapped around him as he pushes back in, begs a groan from Levi’s worn throat. “I want to see you when you cum.”

“Ah!” That’s all he wants, to see the flushed skin of Eren’s chest, the dark pink of his nipples, the breaths escaping his unhinged jaw, even if it means he lets his inner thoughts out. Even if it means Eren knows what he means when he finds himself reflected back in fiery green. “Eren… please.”

Because that’s all it takes, they’re a tangle of limbs stuck by sticky sweat, a mesh of bodies as Eren finds a sustained rhythm, the press of Levi’s knee to his chest, the warm hand wrapped around his cock. “Cum for me.” 

Eren’s name breaks from his chest in syllables, fragmented with every bend in his limbs. Levi can only oblige as Eren beckons him over the edge, can only let this throbbing overcome his whole body, can only be overwhelmed by the way they move together, the way his body squeezes around Eren with every thrust, every touch, every shaken, unmistakable breath as he spills hot threads of cum over himself. Their panting doesn’t subside, doesn’t let up as Eren collapses into Levi’s arms, fitting their bodies together, mouths brushing with Levi’s words. “I love you.” Lips falling together, tired tongues dance against each other in lazy, exhausted movements. And Eren pulls away with a smile, one that awakens the single dimple in his cheek, one that curves his swollen lips up in the corners, bitten and painted red thanks to the last few hours. It’s a smile worth much more than what Levi can offer, much more than Levi can ever give, but he’ll give it his all anyway. He’ll return the favor, give Eren all of him in exchange. “I love you, Eren.” The repetition falls heavy between them, the words too fraught with need and want and desperation to be overlooked, but his own lips stretch into a smile, light and warm without the weight of his past to hold him down.

“And I love you, Levi.” Gravelly, rough, Eren’s voice moves in echoes through Levi’s body, lights every cavernous space with sound, shaking and thumping the roots of axons, reverberating through forests of dendrites, alive and awake at the sound, the words, their meaning. “What do you say we take a bath in that big, fancy tub?” Levi only nods, breathing through the heavy beating of his heart, the way it rattles his chest, throbs a dizzying rhythm through his arteries, hoping Eren won’t notice as he places a kiss on Levi’s forehead. “I’m going to get it ready, take your time.”

He could probably fall asleep right here, give in to this hazy feeling, except his heart doesn’t relax in his chest, his skin is sticky and sweaty, and he only wants to be close, close to Eren, close enough to touch him, gain a little composure from his steady hand. So he peels himself from the blanket to the background of water in an empty tub, dragging himself up on the nearby armchair onto legs too jittery to carry him. Close. The word repeats in his head, pushing him forward on jello legs, leaning on the doorway to the bathroom, rubbing circles into his twitching thigh muscles, releasing his weight from the overworked flesh. It’s close enough for now, watching Eren pace gently across the floor, bare feet on tile made to look like river stones, retrieving towels from the racks and placing them at the ledge of the tile built around the tub. 

It's close enough to listen to the checklist mumbled under Eren's breath, the gentle hum in his chest as he pours soap into the running water, close enough to watch every endearing movement of naked, tanned skin, every ruffle of deep brown hair. It's close enough to catch the attention of concerned green, the high eyebrows and grated voice as he meets him in the doorway. “What's wrong?” 

His hands are so near, ready to envelop pale skin, so Levi offers him a soft smile, hoping to ease the worry in Eren's face, lifting a hand and pressing a fingertip into the wrinkled space between thick, brown eyebrows. “Leg is just cramping.” 

And Eren's expression relaxes into a smile, an offering gesture of open hands. “Let me take you.” Shuffling Levi's weight, the older man gives in to the hold, looping his arm around Eren's neck for stability, letting a gasp escape his lungs when his body is swept up into Eren's arms. “Okay?”

“Mhmm.” It's so purely Eren, gentle and steady, so he can't find it in himself to mind, can only listen to the soft hum from Eren's chest, the huffed whisper as he eases Levi into the hot water of bathtub. “I'm sorry.” Slipping from his lips without direction, the words fall between them, seep into Eren's smile. Sorry for being such a handful, for being so needy, for requiring so much attention.

“Don't apologize. I'm just happy you're letting me help you.” A soft kiss is pressed to the top of Levi’s head, leaving him to himself in the silence of the bathroom as Eren disappears into the cabin, returning with two bottles of water, opening the cap and handing one to Levi. 

How long has he been gripping the edge of the tub? How long were his fingers cramped into bent positions, holding him steady in reality? He doesn't even realize when he's doing it anymore, doesn't recognize the breath held in his lungs and the tight pull of tension in his shoulders, but he stays that way until the water eases the soreness from his throat, until Eren is settled into the tub across from him, their legs brushing beneath the bubbly surface.

Stretching long arms above his head, running his fingers through knotted brown, Eren closes his eyes, leaning back into the warmth. “How's your leg?”

“Better without my weight on it.” And a hum radiates from Eren’s chest in response, quiet, lazy, calm, and Levi wants that, wants that for his own, so he adjusts his body, moving toward Eren across the sea of bubbles, praying their soft popping doesn’t give him away. This is fine, right? Eren is his to hold, to give his attention, to love, right? Testing that theory, his shaky hands brush the stray hairs from Eren’s face, waking a gentle green gaze to his presence, and his heart… his stupid heart, it pounds heavily in his chest, surely loud enough to hear in this comfortable silence. But he continues anyway, cupping the warmth of Eren’s face in his hands, draws his face closer, pressing his lips to the freckles on his nose, the dimple in his cheek, the corner of his jaw, pulling away only when a red blush creeps across Eren’s cheeks, retreating to his space on the opposite end of the tub with stubborn smile bitten between his teeth.

Because he’s back on Eren’s radar, back beneath the weight of unrestrained green, selfish and needy at the other end of Eren’s attention, leaning into the tub, overcome by the warmth of the water. And Eren offers a little more as their legs tangle beneath the water, his voice laced in an enticing timbre. “Give me your foot.” Confusion must read on his face, must come through with furrowed brows and tight lips, because Eren returns with one of those laughs that bubble from deep in his gut, one of those smiles that promise he’s not up to something. “It's not sexual, it's not dirty, just let me massage you.”

It’s fine if it’s Eren, fine because they’re in hot, soapy water, fine because those fingers work circles into his flesh, finishing what they started earlier, erasing doubt and pain and tension from the bottom up. He can only relax his mind with a long breath out, can only voice his opposition from lazy lungs as Eren begins his work on Levi’s left foot. “I want to make you feel good too.” To let this level of ease sink into olive skin, to pull the weight from muscular shoulders by the tips of his fingers, to edge a breathy moan from dark pink lips. 

“It's your birthday…” That deep timbre echoes in Levi’s ears, moves a shiver down his spine as Eren works his way up Levi's body, running thumbs up his shin, rubbing concentric lines between calf muscles, across sensitive knees. “Please let me spoil you just this once.” Pulling their bodies flush, tangling their limbs as he wraps his legs on either side of Levi, he moves goosebumps against pale thighs with pressured touches, quiet breaths, weighty words.

“You literally always spoil me.” There is no power in his breathy voice, no force to return the favor as Eren's hands move further up,brushing fingertips over the lines of scars at his hips. 

Continuing on, Levi's back arches at the touch squirming as Eren drags the backs of his fingernails up Levi's chest, spreading fingers far and wide over pale white landscapes and fiery red scratches. “It makes me happy… to see you feel good.”

The draw in his voice, it pulls Levis eyes up, lets him watch the tilt in Eren’s head, the pull of his lip between his teeth, the way he watches closely as his every movement aches a response from the man beneath him. It's all reflected in dilated black, all aching to grow and take over Levi's body… and he can grant Eren at least that. He can give in to this without a second thought, because it feels all too overwhelming to have his body overworked in more ways than one at Eren's hand, it's all too much, too good, too perfect, so he doesn't hold back the soft moan that aches from a wrecked throat, just closes his eyes and breathes pleasure from swollen lips at every touch.

Those fingers work up against relaxed shoulders, down each arm, working Levi's muscles with both hands, calm, collected, focused on a mission that only Eren knows. Left arm taken into those careful hands, ridges of fingerprints grace the puffy, pink face of the scar that decorates his arm, pulling tension from his forearms, turning his wrist. Running his thumb up each bone of Levi's hand, Eren works at Levi’s palm, straightening out each finger, running their hands together, then moving to the other arm, working it the same with a gentle focus in his heart, stretching out Levi's fingers with his own, letting them fall into the gaps of each other with palms pressed close. And the warm breath on wet skin brings Levi to open his eyes, to watch as Eren brings Levi's hand to his mouth, leaves kisses on each knuckle, on the back of Levi's hand, at the tip of every finger, intoxicated by the gentleness that never leaves Eren’s face, the calm movement of sated eyes, the hushed press of pierced lips.

They move against each other in practiced formation, Levi turning his body to face the opposite direction, Eren easing him into the water where the bubbles have dissipated, dampening and darkening the already black strands, rubbing fingers against the short hairs of his undercut, washing and massaging and rinsing with a welcomed clumsiness, splashing little droplets of water on Levi’s face. Levi does the same, propping himself on his knees to get a better angle, rubbing suds into the deep brown strands, smiling unwittingly at the soft sighs that move through Eren’s nose as he rubs the junction of his head and neck, breaking the pleasant silence with his own crackly voice. “Your hair's getting long.”

“Yours too.” Tipping his head back, holding himself partway in the water, Eren smiles as the soap is worked out by pale fingers. 

“I haven't trimmed the top in a while.” And he’s finished, cleaned and rinsed, but Levi just sinks back into the tub, letting Eren settle his back into Levi’s chest, rest his head on Levi's shoulder, their arms tangling together around the younger man’s abdomen. 

Watching Eren unwind into his hold, he brushes away the single wet strand that has fallen over a tranquilized gaze, raised eyebrows, pink lips turned up into a smile. “You cut it yourself?” 

“My anal personality knows no bounds.” Returning the soft smile as Eren pulls those lips into a straight line. 

“Be nice.” Reaching up, turning his head, he leaves a pressured kiss at the edge of Levi's jaw. “When you talk about my boyfriend.” Oh… his words ache goosebumps across pale skin, wake an erratic rhythm in his chest. “I love him and his anal personality.” Can he feel it? The heavy beating from within his ribcage? The overwhelming dizziness of a quickened pulse? Does it reach him at the other end of Levi’s skin? It's unfair, the way his words lash deep into Levi's flesh, the ease with which he let's the truth fall from his lips, the quickened decision to pull their bodies from the cooling water. “Come on, let’s get out, pruney.” 

The gentle laugh that bubbles from Eren’s chest burns a redness into Levi’s cheeks, flush his chest, ache giddiness beneath his skin as they dry dampened skin, brush their teeth side by side, dressing only in his boxes before turning down the covers and crawling in. Every inch between them is unbearable as Eren double checks the lock on the door, turning out every light except the one on the bedside table, but he settles his head into the pillows, feeling an involuntary groan ache from his throat as he tugs the blankets over bare shoulders. And Eren does the same, stretching out limbs between the sheets, finding his place beneath the weight of the blankets, turning on his side and facing Levi from the other side of the mattress. “You're too far away.” Scratchy and gravelly from his own throat, his voice beckons Eren to cross the space between them, begging him softly with as many words as he can manage. “Too far.” 

Needy and selfish and looking for attention, Levi reaches out his hand, receiving Eren’s body in his arms, compliant as the younger man pushes him to his back, laying his head on Levi’s chest. “This bed is too big for us, huh?” And he means to answer, to agree, to offer a gentle thanks for everything Eren has done, but nothing comes out, nothing moves from his throat as he wraps his arms around Eren’s body, holding him close, feeling the softening breaths against his chest. “Goodnight, Levi.”

There is nothing but the gentle sway of Eren’s breath, nothing but a sticky heat between connected skin, nothing but the click of a heavy wind against an unfamiliar landscape or the soft whir of the world that calls them to sleep.

 

And he wakes the same way, a fading sensation at the edges of his consciousness, emerging from a dream he can't quite remember, grasp loosening from the gentle hold of sleep. It feels so familiar, the warmth in the room that doesn't bite at his bare shoulder, the way he shifts beneath heavy covers, the soft scent of some floral shampoo against the pillowcase. Comforting. The word doesn't quite reach him, mind still scattered between fibers of soft bed sheets, no, he's hanging on to a quiet memory of a gentle awakening at his mother's hand, holding it close as he lets the world fade in. 

Her memory feels so close, so near, awake and alive in the scent of a preheated oven, the high whistle of a tea kettle announcing its readiness, the pleasant hum against the walls of the kitchen, but it isn't her voice that moves him to open his eyes. It's the soft timbre of a familiar, groggy, morning voice, the movement of gentle words in close quarters, beckoning him into the land of the waking.

“Happy birthday, Levi.” Those words have never sounded quite so good, never quite so enticing, as when they fall from the blurry vision of dark pink lips, like they've never really mattered until they were voiced by breathy lungs through a soft smile… they never mattered until they were brought to life by Eren's light. “I made you tea.” And there's a soft sound of the cup being set on the bedside table, the whir of disturbed sheets as he leans over Levi's weary form, the heavy thump of his heart against his ribs as Eren cages him in his arms. “You're such a heavy sleeper.”

“I'm not what you expected, huh?” Not at all composed or adjusted and reasonable, an insomniac with living nightmares. Rolling onto his back, he rocks with the weight of Eren’s knees in the mattress, letting his eyes adjust to the light as he looks at the man perched over him. 

“No…” Pinned beneath the blanket, held by the weight of knees and palms, there’s nowhere to go, nowhere to hide, so he lets that gripping green gaze fall upon his face, feels the warmth it incites in his cheeks. Because this… there’s no better way to wake up than this, nothing that could match the messy strands of brown that have yet to be combed into place, nothing as gripping as dilated black and as moving as the dancing flex of greens and tans and golds like wind peeking sunshine through leaves, nothing as important as pierced lips curved up at the edges, or the line that separates the plump pink flesh from freckled face, or the dip of his dimple… nothing, nothing at all but the gentle resonance of Eren’s voice that aches right down to Levi’s core. “You're so much better than what I expected.”

How does he always do that? There's no escape, pressing his hand to Eren's chest with a smirk on his face. “Too sweet.” This is the person that Eren honestly likes? The one with a coy sense of humor, a backwards way of flirting… how, how do these words move a laugh through Eren's chest? “You know I don't like sweet things.”

Pushing back against Levi's hand, falling closer and closer with a matching smirk painted on perfect lips. “You like me…” The words ache from him like a question, inflection in his groggy voice that flits a giddiness in Levi's stomach.

“I do.” It's so understated, but it's enough to flex energy in those eyes, enough to make him grasp Erens collar in pale fingers, pull those lips into a careful kiss. “You're the exception.” Voice in a murmur, gazes flitting back and forth between eyes too close to focus on and lips too far to reach, the space is intoxicating, hot and paused by breaths too low to register.

The exception. Eren is… the comforting warmth of sunshine on skin, the gentle heat of crawling back into bed on a darkened morning, the seeping, stretching, searing of tea on a cool night… while Levi is simultaneously too hot to handle and cold to the touch. Eren is the timidness of a calm breeze and the ferocity of a hurricane wrapped into one. He is scarred and marked by himself and others, but perfect all the same, he is intense and handsome, gentle and cute, experienced and sexy, and he comes at Levi with this sweetened love, one that he doesn't understand, one that he doesn't deserve. But he'll do whatever it takes to keep that love, whatever it takes to make Eren happy.

Lips part to lazy tongues, a gentle rhythm led by the grinding of Eren's body, moving and aching through needy muscles, waking goosebumps and shivers on Levi's skin, working him up in a dizzying, intoxicating breath. It moves him like a dream, hot and sticky, limbs heavy and stabilized by an unmoved force pressing and growing against him. “Mmm…Ere-”

Pulled away at once, broken at the tone of a timer in the kitchen, an angry alarm to pull them back to reality, pulling Eren from the bed, from his body, from his lips. “Breakfast is ready.” 

And he leaves Levi laid out between ruffled sheets, a heaving in his lungs and a disgruntled noise in his throat. Because he wants to be taken over by Eren's body, for the weight of his pleasure to press him down, sink him below the surface, rip the air from his chest and the consciousness from his mind, submerge him in deep darkness until all he can see are the rays of light, stretching, reaching impossibly down, illuminating flecks of dust against a stark background. 

“Stay right there, I'll bring it to you.”

But honestly, Eren can accomplish that without even trying, he could sink Levi down in the blink of an eye, the flutter of long, dark eyelashes over a blunt, piercing gaze… so he'll give in, swallow a bit of that selfish energy, focus that need into seeing that smile cross those perfect, pink lips. That's all he's ever really wanted, to be under the attention of unmatched greens, unrivaled golds, penetrating blacks, to be worthy of that light.

Sitting up against the headboard, he watches Eren move swiftly, softly on socked feet, rushing to dish out food as steam rises from the plates before Levi can leave his relaxed position on the bed, pulling those dark lips into a frown as soon as the older man moves to stand. Don’t frown, don’t make this sickening tightness roll through Levi’s gut. “I'm just using the bathroom, I won't ruin your plan.” The words sink in to Eren’s paused form, release the corners of his mouth to rise once again into a smile, to relieve the heavy, nauseating beating in Levi’s chest, to relax the rushing of anxious blood and worried thoughts. 

Cool and hard, the floorboards sink a chill into bare feet as Levi makes his way to the bathroom, solidifying a shiver as he stands on the cold tile, favoring his right leg and the tight joint of his hip. Bare, pale, he stares down his reflection, meets icy eyes with a stranger, someone a little more calm than himself, someone more composed, running his hands under warm water and splashing it on his tired face, ruffling hairs into their proper place and returning to the other room. Pulling on black socks and pajama pants, Levi repeats the silent mantra in his head, pulling Eren’s sweatshirt from the chair and tugging it over his bare shoulders. Don’t fuck this up. Eren went through a lot of trouble to make this all happen. Don’t fuck it up.

So he rounds the bed, passes by Eren’s stalled form where he sits halfway on the mattress with two plates in hand, leaning close to his favorite messy bedhead and letting his voice ache unchecked through his throat. “Merry Christmas, Eren.” And he leaves a kiss on the side of Eren's head, getting back into his spot in bed, propped up against the headboard.

Jaw clenched, throat tight, he waits for Eren’s reply, feeling a breath of light move through his lungs as Eren tilts his head with a gentle smile. “Merry Christmas.” Tanned hands offer the plate into Levi's grasp, paused with fork in hand, watching intently as Levi takes his first bite. “Good?”

And he looks as concerned as always, worrying over someone who is just happy to not have to eat takeout for every meal, surprising him with a breakfast casserole. “Mmm…” That’s all he can really manage, eating half of what is on his plate before Eren can even start, savoring every bite of sausage, egg, cheese, and hash browns all mixed into one, filling his aching stomach and ignoring the blush in his cheeks. Trading the plate for the teacup on the bedside table, Levi relaxes into his spot, watching Eren eat as the warm tea begs to wake him further. “What did you do, bring all this from home?”

Finishing his last bite, Eren lowers the plate into his lap. “I went shopping for everything with Mikasa before I checked in yesterday.” Too much trouble for someone like Levi, too much, so he stares into his cup, swirls the dark liquid against the sides of the mug. “Do you want any more?” Shaking his head, he watches Eren stack their plates together, letting his body relax into the headboard. “How about some more tea?”

He holds the cup close to his chest, raising an eyebrow at the smirk on Eren’s face. “Remember what I said about spoiling me?”

“Yes… turns out you were right.” Holding his hand out, he waits for the cup, waits for Levi to oblige with a gentle smile, brows low and eyes fixed on the older man’s face. “And I'd like to continue doing it.”

But he doesn’t hand over the cup, covering it with his other hand, watching Eren’s gaze soften through squinted eyelids. “And what about when I want to spoil you?” Because hell… he wants to. He wants to take Eren to cities he’s never been, to watch him run thoughtful hands along the bricks of old buildings, remember establishing numbers etched into stone with the ridges of his fingertips, walk with careful steps down streets he’s never known, and take in every detail. He wants to watch his lover’s eyes as they look at snowfall against the darkened sky, to see those eyes close with the taste of something new on his tongue, to watch dilated green flit over spines of books and packs of pens and empty journals… he wants to indulge every corner of that curious heart, to entertain Eren’s every whim, and feed every wonder in that remarkable mind. 

“I will accept it graciously.”

He wants to find the energy deep inside himself to bring Eren happiness and inspiration and love at all costs, to give every broken, shattered piece of himself to be cupped in mindful palms and laid against tender flesh, to bring ease to tired joints, to remain soft and cradled with the sharpest parts of him shielded from Eren’s flesh. So he hands the mug to Eren, places it gently in those hands, allows him to do his part. “Then I'll try my best…” Try his best in keeping that smile perched on perfect pink, try to keep the warm hum in Eren’s chest, try to remember every movement of deliberate hands as they handle cups and dishes and return with a little cellophane wrapper along with a new cup of tea. “What’s this?”

“These are from Mikasa.” Sliding up on the bed, Eren takes his place beside Levi against the headboard, watching Levi feel the package a moment before continuing. “She makes those big iced cookies every year, but when I told her you don’t like sweets she made you those.” For him? Unwrapping the twist tie, he pulls out a ball of dough dusted in powdered sugar… that she made specifically for him. “Russian tea cakes.” 

It can’t be too bad, so he takes a bite of the cookie, catches the stray powdered sugar in his cup, taking a sip to wash any dryness down. “It’s actually perfect.” Not too sweet, not too dry or overpowering, but what’s better is the glint in green eyes, the second of jealousy that moves through Eren’s face in a tightened jaw. “Thank her for me, that was nice of her.”

“I will.” And Eren grabs the pillow, tucking it against his chest and flopping down on the bed in front of Levi’s crossed legs. “So what's it like, having your birthday on Christmas?”

Another sip of hot tea warms his stomach, hoping to quell the tinge of anxiety that wakes to Eren’s words. He’s heard this question countless times, been subject to the prying curiosity of people that know nothing about him, and the answer has always been the same. At least he never had work or school on his birthday… it always got a laugh, always succeeded in deflecting more questions, always ended the conversation. But Eren isn’t prying, he doesn’t expect some thoughtless answer about not getting enough presents or never having a normal party, he’s lying there with widened eyes and bitten lip, looking for a bit of information that will pull him closer, grant him entrance into Levi’s mind. “It’s no different from any other day.”

“What about when you were young?” There’s a tilt in his head, one that weighs stray brown hairs out of place, one that holds as the words form on his tongue, not wanting to cross the line or this invisible barrier between them. “With your mom…”

Eren… he deserves the world, deserves every happy memory and every little thing Levi and his steady job can buy him, but he doesn’t ask for the world, doesn’t ask for much of anything at all. But the world beneath Levi’s skin, the one hidden behind locked doors and fortress walls, can Levi give him that world too? He's already given himself to this man, already formed cracks like scars on pale skin, already exposed lessons lashed deep into flesh and bone, he can show Eren the parts preserved in marrow and mind, the memories that can still bring a peace to the storm in his heart, thoughts remaining in stories like those printed on pages, shielded between hard covers. 

Clearing his throat, he moves to speak, unsure of what truths may come spilling out. “My mom always had the holiday off because she worked at the school, so we always got to spend winter break together.” It was the time of year she had no distractions, a time they spent reading and baking and watching old black and white movies, stringing popcorn on thread to decorate their tree, hung with handmade ornaments, gifts from students, a deep blue bauble with matte script spelling out the words ‘Happy Birthday.’ Memories, good, sweet, softened memories, they flood his mind as he watches the smile grow in Eren's face, the way he listens with his head propped on his hands. “And a bunch of her students always made her cookies and chocolate. I'd sit there and eat it so much I'd make myself sick.” 

Brightening further, lips parting in a grin, Eren perks up on his elbows. “Really?”

“Really.” There was, in fact, a time when Levi was a kid, a careless, foolish child with starlight in his eyes. “That's probably why I don't like sweets. I learned my lesson.” That laugh, that bubbling, intoxicating laugh, that's all he wanted to hear, all he needs to keep going, keep digging up gentle memories. “I think she got me book sets as my presents from the day I could read… that’s all I ever wanted.” To escape into another world, if only for a little while, to imagine himself strong enough to conquer giants and soft enough to fall in love. “And I was never disappointed with that.”

But those lips, that smile, they fall into a straight line, tight and light. “And after...?” After. The word is so light, the pause in harmonious timbre so small, like he could take it back if he wanted to, rewind the word, retain the easy atmosphere. 

Eren doesn’t take it back, doesn’t retract the thought or retrace the words that bring a hush over their breaths, leaving Levi to the subdued beating in his chest. He wants to know… of course he wants to know… because how can someone hate their own birthday? How can someone want nothing to do with the holidays? How can someone with such fond, sugary memories turn to such a sour attitude, left out to spoil? But Eren already knows that… save from the details, Eren already knows what lives at the other end of those scars. “Kenny…” Deep breath, throat cleared. He already knows. There is no danger in the memory. “He didn't celebrate the same way my mom did.” No… it was a trade up from hot cocoa to spiked eggnog, a voice like a melody for a booming growl, a comforting touch, a tuck into bed, a peaceful goodnight for a harsh hold, a pinned body, a final warning. “So I stopped celebrating all together.”

There’s no need to say more, no need to indulge it any further, because he watches the color drain little by little from Eren’s flushed cheeks, watches the flex of the tight hold on his jaw, the hard swallow in a dry throat as his lips utter a quiet word. “Oh.” Because it’s what he expected, but not what he hoped for. Listless, quiet, those eyes fall somewhere below Levi’s gaze, somewhere beyond this room, averted and glassy and all to far away. Eren… he shoulders it all, bears all the weight in tense muscles and focused fingers rubbing against the fabric of the blanket beneath him, the seam of the hemmed edge, holding it together. 

And Levi can only lean forward, slip his clammy hands into messy brown, rustle the soft strands between his fingers. There’s no need for that, no need for guilty, low eyebrows or regretful pursed lips, because Eren already carries too much, already claims Levi’s weight in neediness and memories. Turning his lips up into a smile, watching as Eren lays his head down into the crook of his arm, closing his eyes with little droplets in the corners, Levi rubs Eren’s scalp, brushing hairs away from his lover’s face. “And then I moved across the country.” Eren moves back against Levi’s hand, leaning into the touch. “And made friends with the biggest holiday fanatic ever. Honestly I'm surprised that moron Erwin didn't convince Mike to get married on Christmas.” And Eren grants that with a smile, a gentle breath. “He has a huge party every year because it was always a big deal for his family.” It’s not like he could ever get away with not celebrating. “And Hanji always makes a fuss for my birthday, probably just because she likes pissing me off.” Making everyone sing to him every year, insisting he take it back for himself. “Somewhere along the line I just stopped caring… there's a point where hope ends in pain. It was easier to not care than to be disappointed.” 

But this feels different, so… different as this tightness that wraps around his throat. What the fuck is that? This heavy, ugly skepticism, this jarrind doubt, why does it move with such ease into his body? Why does it take him over as a chill aches through him? It’s a thick disappointment, one that snuck up on him every year, despite not wanting to care, despite not wanting to… he hated it. More and more, with every year he puts between himself and the broken memory of his mother, he hates it.

Because that’s just easier. Holding on to hate is the easiest thing to do. It’s like grasping hard and fast onto searing hot metal, letting it warp and melt and mold compliant flesh and meek bone until what used to be hands can no longer grasp onto the phantom edges of hope and desire. It’s easier to feel disgust for the carols his mother used to sing, anger toward the fuss everyone makes about the holidays, distaste for any and everything that feels like home, it’s easier to wrap himself in indifference. 

No… he could only hold onto the things that remained familiar, the things that proved to stick around, stayed steadfast, constant, consistent. Like Erwin’s fanatic, childlike enthusiasm for having everyone over every holiday, or Mike’s odd infatuation with wood and architecture, Hanji’s studying eyes and rapidfire mouth, or Moblit’s gentle hand, the one that always moved to calm the person beneath his grasp… Or Eren’s presence, his very existence at the edge of Levi’s vision, tapping away at his keyboard, scribbling into his notebook, his voice in the noisy hallway, his silence in the quiet classroom, his gentle demeanor, his smile… that look, the one reserved just for Levi.

Certainties and hopes and dreams… they don’t always hold up, but these things do, these things persist. It’s not good to hold onto these traits, to hold others accountable for his stability… but these things never changed, these things are static and genuine and comforting. And they’re real, formed here in reality, something he can touch and see and feel, not idealized memories or current years that will never live up to expectation. It’s not quite hope, but it’s all he’s got.

Moving under Levi’s paused grasp, Eren looks up, puts his hand on Levi's knee. Just how long has he been silent? How long has he been completely stalled? “This was really selfish of me… to push this on you.” Apologies, always flooding with apologies when Eren is the one Levi wants to hold onto, the person he’d happily give every birthday, every holiday, every year to. “I'm sorry.”

“This, admittedly…” Tugging at Eren's arm, begging with heavy lidded eyes until his lover inches forward, uncrossing his legs so the younger man can lay there. “Doesn't feel like a birthday.” And Eren keeps closing the distance between them, burying himself in Levi's lap, humming when Levi wraps his arms around broad shoulders. “It's like something else entirely.”

“I'll take it.” That's enough for him, enough to make him smile and bury his face into his own sweatshirt on Levi's body, enough to get him to wrap his arms around Levi’s waist. “Our own little secret holiday.”

Tucked away from the world, far from responsibility, shielded in warmth, this could work, he could convince himself of this, give himself to it the same way he gave in to Eren…slowly, softly, permanently. Pressing kisses onto the top of Eren’s head, breathing gently into messy hair, he gives a little more. “Good thing I got you a gift then.” Eren looks up at him with a smirk on his face, one that sparks excitement in Levis chest. “It’s in your suitcase.”

A curious mind tilts in Eren’s head, a mild bewildered energy in the pull of tight, pierced lips. “My suitcase?” Amusement raises in thick eyebrows and straightened arms as he pushes himself from the bed, crossing the room with a spring in socked feet, bringing his entire suitcase back to bed with him.

Levi clears his throat, feels the words fall from his mouth before he can even think to stop them. “I put it in there after I left the dinner.” And there’s a bit of excitement that bubbles between them, an unidentifiable anxiety as Eren digs beneath the clothes, reaching for a bit of Levi the man buried there. This is suitable, right? He’ll appreciate this, right? Levi knows Eren better than Hanji anyway, knows there’s something better he can give to Eren than some pointless gift, something he’ll value, and when it all goes to hell at least he has that desk as a backup. “It wouldn't have meant anything to you, but I didn't want to leave without giving it to you. That doesn't make any sense, does it?” Dammit, shut up.

“You're babbling.” He’s right, Levi is babbling, he’s in completely uncharted territory, but it just felt important that Eren had this. And Eren doesn’t mind, he’s smiling, holding the little unwrapped box in his hand, the plain brown dull and boring in Eren’s hands as he slips the single red ribbon from the edges. There's a bit of wonderment in sparkling green as he opens the box, and Levi looks down too, follows that meaningful gaze even though he knows exactly what it looks like. Utterly unspectacular, a little bronze skeleton key lays diagonal in the box, laid on a bed of the string tied around the top.

It hasn’t seen the light of day for so long, tucked away in the bottom of his desk drawer, out of sight, far from dull grey or the panic attached to their very existence. “It's more of a symbol than a gift, I suppose, but I thought this would mean more to you...” Please don’t be wrong. 

“What does it go to?” Slipping the key from the box, it dances between tender, tanned fingers, the curved diamond shape pressed against his knuckle, thoughtful fingertips feeling the smooth edges of the unevenly worn metal. Every inch, every millimeter is taken into careful consideration at the hands of his lover as he breathes, moving to speak after a long moment.

“I’ve got a storage unit back home where I’ve kept her things.” Most of them anyway, the things his mom treasured more than anything else, locked up and hidden from Kenny. “This goes to the chest she kept all my stuff in. Baby pictures and school portraits and stupid projects.” He can imagine it perfectly, the way it sat at the end of her bed, covered in a quilt, filled with photo albums, scrapbooks, every picture he ever drew her rotated in from his space on the fridge. “You were interested in seeing those things so I thought… I’ll take you there… in the spring so you can see the flowers and the house…” See where he came from, see more of those good pieces he’s taken such care to push away.

“Levi…” That’s it, just his name, just the way the rope tied around it wraps around Eren’s fingers, dangles at his wrist, the way the key remains cradled in his palms.

“Is it bad?” His voice escapes him in a weakened whisper, only watching Eren’s hands wrap tightly around it.

“Is it bad… Levi, it’s perfect. I’d love to go with you.” Oh… and he turns his eyes up, meeting Eren’s widened gaze. “But what if I lose it?” And his hands pull close to his chest, shielding the key against his body.

“The lock is broken… it’s always been broken, but mom wore the key around her neck anyway.” Swinging, swaying gently as she walked, tucked safely into the fabric of her blouse, raveled up on her nightstand, already tarnished and worn out, but important nonetheless. “She said it was a little piece of me for her to carry around.” A little piece his selfish, greedy fingers tore from the bag of her belongings, a piece he wouldn’t allow her to be buried with… because she already had the rest of him, brought his future, his past, his present all to a screeching halt with tires on pavement and a broken breath. “And then it became a piece of her for me to carry-” A piece of her to keep him moving, empty and alone but alive.

A piece of her that got him here, got him this far. “But now you won’t have it.” But he will, won’t he? He’ll have a strength that he doesn’t have to pull from a drawer, someone to anchor him, to hold him close.

“I’ll have you.” Tame and warm and green, Eren’s eyes ache out to Levi, the key still clutched tight against Eren’s shirt, fabric bunched around his fist. “And you’ll have a piece of me to carry with you.” Those eyes don’t leave, don’t budge, don’t waver at all, just shake a bit, dilate as water pools at the corner of glassy eyes, blinking only when Eren places the key around his neck. “You don’t have to wear it if you don’t-”

“I want to.” Words and thoughts interrupted, Levi lines the way the thick cord draws against Eren’s collar bones, the way it lays over his heart, the way the younger man runs his finger over the metal, drawing a little line against his sternum. “I’m so happy.” Voice quiet, firm, Eren blinks away the tears formed in his eyes, smile pulling reddened cheeks into a prominent dimple. “And you’ll have a piece of me to carry too.” 

Another box, long and thin, is placed into Levi’s lap with nothing more than a smile, a bitten lip. “You said the hotel was my gift.”

“The hotel is your birthday gift, this is your Christmas gift… our secret holiday gift!” Overboard, he works in a constant state of overboard, and he knows it, can read it in Levi’s slanted eyes, raising his hands up. “No more, promise.” 

One layer of striped blue wrapping paper torn away, he pauses with his hands holding the matte black box. Why is he so nervous? With a breath he pulls the lid off, unearthing a watch with a pure white face, emboldened, silver dashes and hands, thick, black leather band, little tabs holding the gears from turning, frozen in time.

“If you want a different band style or color I can go back and exchange it…” 

“No…” He swallows hard and slips the watch from the box, begging his heart to steady in his chest. It’s light in his hand but heavy in his throat, sleek and simple and… and it's for him from the person who cares the most. “No, it’s perfect.” And Levi turns it over, peeling the protective sticker away to feel the lettering against the edges of his thumbprint, engraved into metal, etched into ore, permanent, something tangible and honest and real. 

L.A. + E.J.

“It’s practical and not wasteful and-” He’s still trying to convince Levi of something he’s already accepted, stopping his words with a breath in his throat when Levi pulls the plastic tag from the dial.

Silence seeps into his chest, a held breath in his lungs as he positions the hands, pressing the dial… and he sets time in motion, signified by the gentle tick of the hands, the sliver of movement, the thrum of his heart in his chest, dizzying and dazing, moving to intoxicate his every cell. Because enraptured grey turns up toward heavy lidded greens, meet with a tempted flexing and aching, handing the watch over to Eren's open palm. “Will you put it on me?” 

They do this all the time… the sated push and pull of bodies and lovers and intention, unable to discern just what they want most in the wake of desire, the rushing rapids of lust and need, the never-ending swaying in waves of trust and comfort and belonging. Is it the forward push, the momentum of time moving endlessly forward in all directions, the impetus of promise, of future, of a life together? Or is it these moments, the ones where Eren moves and time stands still before him, the ones marked with a brush of skin, a hard swallow, darting, flexing, tempted eyes, that always pull them together?

The spark of warmth, the movement of skin, it only presses that heartbeat faster, harder as Eren rolls up Levi's sleeve, turning his wrist, taking control as he fastens the leather band against pale skin, drawing goosebumps over hot flesh as he pulls away. “Does it feel good?”

Fuck… what the hell is that? What is that hitch in his throat, that gravelly tinted timbre that runs a shiver up Levi's spine. “What's with that?” 

“Is it too tight?” Eren only clears his throat, keeps his eyes down, his lip bitten white between his teeth.

“No.” And his voice shakes beneath tyre weight of his words, this unprecedented pull forward, this desire to close space, end time, occupy this pointless world with a bit of purpose on his tongue. “Feels good.” Because it does, it forms a comfortable warmth around his wrist, a gentle reminder of the man before him, the one who seeped into Levi's body, remodeled his bones, repaired his flesh, revived his heart. So he pushes forward, aims for the rapid rush of his lover's heart, the one that will overtake him completely. “How does it look?” Ruffling thick, dark strands through his fingers, he watches the world flex in hungry green, the focus of infinite black, the flip of the switch that holds them at arm's length. 

It transforms in the rift of a second, a hasty move of unhurried hands, nimble fingers wrapped around the width of Levi’s arm, pulling steadily in. Levi’s body makes no hesitation, leaning forward into Eren’s hold, inching on now bent knees and stalling barely a breath away from pierced pink. “It suits you.” Of course it does, it was carefully chosen, deliberate and planned with Levi in mind… and there is no time to consider the proximity of plump lips, no time to formulate the desires on his tongue because he’s already been given everything, already received all he can take, but he wants more, ignited by the gentle force of Eren’s kiss.

More. It’s a selfish call within his chest, one that simultaneously feels satiated… starved, pulled by anxiety and pushed by belonging. That fact shakes a jittery energy into pale hands as their lips pull away, as Eren releases his arm, as their breaths match and tangle in the inches between them. More. He'll always want more, so he moves forward, holding himself on steady shoulders, pressing his knees into the mattress at either side of Eren's hips, straddling, hovering over the younger man with a straightened spine, a bated breath. There's a pause, gaze flitting from eyes to lips and back, a second’s worth of clarity, of plans and schedules that won’t be tended to if they continue.

“If you have anything else planned you'll have to stop me.” Strained beyond tight vocal cords, his voice calls a warning, his fingers creeping across the seams of Eren’s shirt, begging a cautionary touch into the fabric around his neck.

Tilting his head, brushing away the words, the worry, Eren embeds heat into Levi’s thighs with unchecked fingertips, allows their gazes to lock with the weight of his voice. “Everything else can wait.” Pushing his hands into Levi’s back, pulling him closer, he draws his open lips against bare, pale skin, up the side of his neck, his jaw, breath trails goosebumps into skin as his words spark deep and hot in Levi’s chest. “I just want to make you mine.”

It’s permission enough, the way Eren looks up at him through heavy-lidded greens, the pause on those perfectly plump lips, the blush dusted in his cheeks. Fingers form fists around wrinkled fabric, pull tight and quick on collar and cord, lips crashing together with force, parting to heavy breaths, needy tongues, broken words. “Me too…” This is desperation, an anguish for confirmation. He’s felt it so many times before, ached for an answer to materialize beneath his fingertips, grieving for something real, something he never knew until he met Eren. It was just a gentle, ghostly touch, another compounded shadow there to darken every edge, every corner, every dip of tissue in Levi’s mind, something he couldn’t recognize through blurry, tired eyes, something indistinguishable from the rest of the seeping, growing darkness. Need. Need for comfort, for stability… for Eren. It’s a pressing, swelling need, one etched into pale fingerprints, one that pushes his body forward as his mind catches up, searching for the words that will ease this tightness in his chest, this wavering in his lungs. It’s somewhere in the space between fluttery, dark eyelashes, tucked away in flecks of gold and green and blue, somewhere in the pressure of long fingers at his back, holding him steady, holding him still, pulling him in, begging him to stay… a verification from flighty bodies, from broken minds and wary hearts. “I want to be sure of it.”

And there’s nothing left to be said, no words that could escape in heaving breaths or slip from busy tongues, just the weight of Levi’s hands as they cup Eren’s face, poise him again and again for kiss after kiss. Each touch is hasty, rash, but no less deliberate than Eren’s steady hands. Frenzied and impatient, Levi uses his weight to push Eren to his back, careless and feral and purposeful in every angle of his body, every grind of his hips, every sensation of arousal against Eren’s hardened cock.

Breaking in a heated gasp, Levi trails greedy lips down the heated skin of Eren’s neck, nipping and biting reds and pinks into goosebumps, marking the man beneath him with fingertips trailing beyond shirt seams and into coarse, dark hairs on Eren’s abdomen. “Oh, fuck…” Breathy, weighted with arousal, Eren’s voice falls hard on Levi’s ears, sinks into jittery hands and a restless chest, indulging his quickened pace. “Levi…”

What… the fuck has gotten into him? Just what is it that demands his immediate, complete cooperation? There’s no time to indulge the thought, no time… it all stands still, backgrounded by the rhythmic tick of the watch on his wrist, the breath pushed from his chest as he presses his palms into Eren’s skin, sitting up and tearing the sweatshirt from his back in one swift motion. Forcing his eyes from Eren’s gaze, blinking away the afterimage of flexing, fighting, feral green, he turns to the open suitcase beside their bodies.

Focus… fucking focus.

But his mind strips itself from all reason, all control, grabbing handfuls of clothing and tossing it aside, reaching for the strip of condoms tucked beneath the fabric and tugging it free. Only the sound of his hand slapping the plastic wrappers against Eren’s chest could wake him from this fevered dash for pleasure, only the embarrassment in his throat could pause him… and only the smirk on Eren’s face, the red tint of his flushed face, the temptation of his plump lip bitten tight and white, could reignite the already heated flesh and eager skin. But that smirk doesn't leave, no, it's paired with a faint growl from deep in his gut, one that reverberates through Levi's palms as he rolls off of Eren's body.

“Fuck…” The word feels kurt, short as it falls from his lips, but they both move hasty fingers at hems of clothing, stripping themselves of everything in their way. Crawling back over Eren, straddling tanned thighs, he watches shaky fingers roll the latex over his swollen cock, holds his breath to reach for the lube he left unearthed in the pile of clothes. Eren only watches, only waits, poised on his elbow, paused in time with curiosity piqued in thick eyebrows, hunger and need pressing pink crescents of fingernails into pale thighs.

Sticky, cold, Levi moves his slickened fingers against hurried flesh, dripping a line of lube up Eren’s cock. And the word gracefully unfolds from Levi’s lips, his tolerance lost somewhere in the folds of the sheets, exceeded with the heaving in the tanned chest beneath him. “Sorry…” It’s said through a breath, barely any force in his voice as he stretches himself under the heat of that green gaze. “Ah!” But what is he even sorry for? He only wants to overcome this space between them, to have Eren fill every vacant space inside him, to be a mindful participant in his own captivation, and for it to begin as quickly as possible. “I can’t wait.” It’s so obvious, so clear, humid and heavy as it falls from his tongue, daring a look into fiery green.

“Me either.” It’s… paralyzing, utterly incapacitating, to watch Eren fall to his back, to watch the shadows move on toned arms, and the length of needy fingers and gentle palms as they reach out for Levi. “Get over here…” And careful hands guide this clumsy, listless body over his own, retaining only an ounce of calm energy as Levi positions himself. Neither of them breathe until their bodies sink completely into one another, just the sound of time ticking forward as the background of tight pressure falling away to a hitched sigh. 

Relief, immediate, overwhelming relief escapes as a heavy breath, pressured nails digging into Eren's abdomen, begging, pleading to be lost, to be soaked up in olive tinted skin, torn and beaten and bruised, to remain repaired in Eren's body, his mind, his heart. And they're paused, stalled, caught up in Levi's panting, when a straightening shiver moves up his spine, aching a moan from his chest as he leans into Eren's cock. “Jesus...fuck-”

The shift moves with a subtle moment, a sudden intake of breath, gaining speed and traction with abrupt fingertips on a heaving chest, impulsive movements in already aching joints, heedless thrusts against this reckless, unhinged rhythm in Levi’s body. Insecurities, insensitivities, they dip and swell as waves of unburdened moans crash against Levi’s throat, pool on his tongue, drip from his lips. They clash against each other, move in this rhythmic harmony together, this squelching and slapping of dampened skin an overtone to Eren’s gravelly breaths, the way every sound from plump, pierced lips resonates in Levi’s ears, echoes in the cavities of his ribcage, knock loose the inflected whine of worry around a clenched, burning heart.

But Eren is his… not a possession, not property to hold dominion over, no, but Levi holds occupancy in the beating of Eren’s chest, his touch leaves spotted wet marks against olive tinted skin, busy greens take careful measure staring back up at him. Eren only looks at him, taking in every detail, every turn of loosened hips, every curve of Levi’s spine, every pointless bit of him remains in the focus of those eyes, his every move, every flaw, rolling immortalized behind long lashes, tucked away, a living memory at the end of pressured fingertips, soaking himself into Eren’s every nerve ending.

It’s all too much, daring to sweep him away, endlessly caught between this overwhelming pleasure at his every movement and making sure Eren feels the same. Unable to hold on to the thought for more than a moment, breathing a shifted focus from tainted lips, all else escapes him, everything but this… the way knowing hands press fingerprints into pale, plump asscheeks, bent hips, flushed thighs, the way his skin moves in pinks and reds, the premonition of blues and faded purples, the curve of his spine as he bends over, falling into a kiss that aches between gasps and groans. The way his body slams back into Eren’s cock again and again, the way his hands frame Eren’s face, digging into messy, brown strands, the way their tongues clash and bodies ache around every blow. 

It’s bent knees just at the edges of Levi’s hips, and a surprising touch from trained fingers at Levi’s stretched ass, soaking up the excess lube into tanned skin. It’s the look of that green gaze under lowered eyebrows, the shivers those eyes draw against hands clenched onto Eren’s chest, up straightened elbows, across this heaving rib cage, down this overworked abdomen. It’s the grasp of Eren’s slickened fingers around the head of Levi’s cock, hand held steady… and he’s got Levi pinned, bound by his own movements, fated by his own volition. Every heave back pressing Eren deeper inside, every lurch forward thrusting his rigid cock into Eren’s hand, caught in this whirlwind at ever damned move. 

“Ah!” Hooked into Levi’s hairline, around his ear, Eren positions Levi’s gaze, grazing his thumb against parted lips, catching the heat from the weighted moan that bubbles through Levi’s entire body. “Eren...nnngh.” There is no stall in his movements, no interruption in this heaving body, no hesitation, just the sharp heat climbing up his back, the words against Eren’s hold. “If you do that… I’m gonna cum.” And he hangs his head, panting humid, sultry breaths as Eren presses his thumb in against Levi’s tongue.

“Mmm… show me.” And that’s really all that matters in this moment, the lure of Eren’s voice, the temptation in timbre, the gentle siren’s song in every stifled moan that passes perfect, pierced lips, because it grows with every move Levi makes, exceeding that mindful green gaze into this captivated glare. Enraptured, he wants Eren at the end of this touch forever, using every bit of his body, every jointed angle, every curve of his spine, and sway of his hips, sucking and biting at Eren’s thumb, holding it steady with gentle teeth marks and a flitting tongue.

And he uses every bit of his unrefined, palpating body, the back and forth, the repeated hauling of his ass into Eren’s cock, leaning back with the force of parallel claw marks down Eren’s chest. “Nnn… right, right there-” And the gasp of his lungs at every slam of this weighted body pushing himself into that spot that culls him back, tense and taut. “Ah!” Then drops him into this dragging freefall of laxed limbs. “Eren-” Holding pressure with bent knees, both hands work at Levi’s cock, heaving and jerking until every drop of cum has fallen against flushed, tanned skin. Running his fingers through thick, black hair, he lets his fingers drag down his face, his chest, across his sides, fingers digging into his own ass cheeks, spreading them apart and slamming his body back again and again, moving his throbbing body over Eren’s rigid cock, voice drawing low and breathy from his lips. “Now you’ll cum for me?”

“Hahh… nnh.” And he moves himself faster, as quick as these aching knees and hips will allow, ignoring the pain, the sharpened sensitivity of his body as he fucks himself into Eren, begging to hear every broken moan, every bestial, grating noise. He wants it all, to take claim of that body, that mouth, that pleasure. “Shit… Levi.”

It's no use, there is no holding back his voice as Eren grips on top of Levi's hands, fingers hooked and feet planted as he thrusts up into Levi. “Oh fuck.” Head tipped back, chest heaving, he collapses forward with his arms pinned behind him, unrestrained moans aching against Eren's neck.

There is nothing else but this. Nothing but the way Eren's hand slides up Levi’s back, digging into coarse, black strands, holding him close, the feral groan that reverberates through Eren’s chest, and the softened moans that brush against Levi’s ear with every exhaled breath. Nothing but the care in Eren’s touch as he unhinges their bodies, guiding Levi to lay beside him, to drape his limbs across the younger man’s naked skin, to match their softening breaths. Nothing but Eren beneath his fingertips, filling his mind, swelling his heart.

It’s okay, right... to need someone this much? To hold tight to slippery metal, to anchor himself to this feeling in this life that’s always felt more like a riptide than a gentle rain. He’s always been washed away, always been told that his weakened grip would never be enough to keep him alive. But this is alright, isn’t it? Aren’t they both driven by this fractured possibility, this comfort, this promise between two needy hearts? They both cling to each other like it’s their last fucking chance, like every other reality is begging them apart… the grasp and grip of iron hands and magnetic skin, the enduring embrace of their pulling hearts and a need like gravity.

It’s almost enough to force himself to drag his body away, almost enough to give in to the spark of anxiety in his gut, but shaky fingertips meet the key laying askew on Eren’s chest, finding a gentle home in the dip of his sternum, warmed by fevered skin, swaying and swelling with Eren’s every breath. And the whole world is a background to the space here in Eren’s arms, every pointless thought falling away to the sound of Eren’s heart thudding against his ribcage, soft and rhythmic in competing time with the tick of his watch.

Fingertips trace the ebb and swell of shaped metal, the rise and fall of inflated lungs within a heavy chest. The world of Eren’s skin, laid into hills of bone and valleys of flesh, feels so accessible at the end of Levi’s touch… it’s a promise of quiet drives with no true destination, of hazy mornings and busy weeks, of softened interruptions from stressful deadlines. It’s a transferred calm through expanded pores, an equal assurance in puffy, red lines Levi left with dull nails, his mark, his vow, his word… a silent acknowledgement to himself of the way their bodies, their hearts, piece together. It’s a future of wasted evenings, of making up for every mistake he’s made, for dragging his feet, a future of goosebumps and seasons and sun-kissed skin, a contract etched into every beat of his heart.

**Author's Note:**

> Started as a oneshot, but quickly grew into something more.  
> I wanted to say thank you to you all, your comments make my heart sing, and kudos are so very much appreciated.


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